tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89259591045622509192024-03-05T18:30:33.695-08:00Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal ExperiencesMaryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.comBlogger360125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-79161095110195189792023-02-28T20:02:00.008-08:002023-03-03T15:41:29.780-08:00School Refusal & An Updated Diagnosis <p style="text-align: justify;">How ironic that in my last post (written almost 2 years ago exactly!) I expressed my frustration about supervising my kids in online learning due to the pandemic. In just a couple of weeks my youngest child (whom I refer to as "Jill" on this blog) will be completing the last term of her school year enrolled in an at-home online curriculum rather than in her regular public school where she's been attending for the past couple of years. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">Jill has had some challenges since she was about preschool age relating to ADHD and anxiety, but when she had her first neuropsychological evaluation done as a preschooler, the psychologist basically said it was too early to make an official diagnosis for ADHD and it would be more effective to wait until she started school to see if patterns such as lack of focus, inattention, inability to sit still. etc. were prevalent in a school setting as well as at home- or if she would grow out of it. Although her focus and attention span have improved since kindergarten, Jill still lags behind her peers in some areas, emotionally and cognitively. It's a good reminder to me that kids coming from traumatic backgrounds, including in-utero drug exposure, can sometimes be about half of their chronological age in some areas of development.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Last year we were thrilled and relieved to see some of Jill's ADHD symptoms improve thanks to medication. She also benefitted from counseling, not just to deal with ADHD/anxiety coping strategies, but to process some of her feelings of grief/loss/identity surrounding her adoption. I am so grateful for trauma-informed therapists and teachers! I breathed a sigh of relief when I learned that Jill's 2nd grade teacher last year was a former caseworker for DCFS before she started her teaching career because when I gave some background on Jill's particular challenges and shared that she was adopted from foster care, her teacher immediately "got it." Jill's current therapist is very patient and has helped her begin to create a narrative (with my help of what information I know) of her adoption story and to clarify some of the questions and misunderstandings she had about how she came to be in our home and family. I laughed out loud when, during a counseling session with Jill and myself, the therapist turned to her and asked "Who can you go to when you have questions?" (Inferring to go to me) and Jill immediately replied "Google!".</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Over the past year, Jill has shown some additional troubling symptoms related to sensory processing issues (not wanting to have her hair brushed, sounds being too loud, etc.) as well as defiance (towards my husband and I but, thankfully, not towards teachers or other authority figures) and sometimes aggression that seemed to appear almost overnight, so my husband and I were thinking <i>"What is going on now?"- </i>just when we thought things were manageable. I was honestly afraid that our daughter was developing Oppositional Defiant Disorder and I would imagine the worst-case scenario in my mind of her being in juvenile detention before she graduated from high school,<i> if </i>she graduated from high school, that is, or, given her genetics, becoming a homeless drug addict. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">Long story short, Jill had an updated neuropsychological evaluation completed in the Fall by a clinician whom I hand-picked as she had done very thorough evaluations on some of my former clients. Although some of the diagnoses and findings of Jill's particular evaluation didn't come as a surprise to me, and I was relieved that she wasn't diagnosed as having ODD, there was one diagnosis at the bottom of the page which I had never heard of before which left me scratching my head: <b><u><a href="https://psychcentral.com/adhd/pathological-demand-avoidance-adhd#:~:text=Pathological%20Demand%20Avoidance%20(PDA)%20is,also%20called%20Extreme%20Demand%20Avoidance." target="_blank">Pathological Demand Avoidance Syndrome</a></u></b> (or PDA for short).</p><p style="text-align: justify;">The most likely reason I was unfamiliar with this diagnosis is that it isn't officially recognized in the U.S. (and therefore, not billable, like Sensory Processing Disorder) but PDA is recognized in the U.K. as a profile of autism without a stand alone diagnosis of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Unlike other criteria for ASD and forms of autism, individuals with a PDA profile have little problems with verbal communication, using their imagination, but they do have a rigidity in following demands which is caused by anxiety. Anxiety- that is the most important thing for me to remember when Jill has a meltdown and goes into a state of fight or flight (yelling, hitting, throwing things, etc.): She's not just "being a brat" or defiant- she is in a state of panic and fear. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">Although logically I know that I need to calm my child down when she's in this kind of a state and empathize with her (or at least validate what she's feeling so that she can feel a bit safer) and model being calm myself, it is much easier than it sounds- especially when there's plenty of time announced ahead of time for making a transition and there's been a 25-30 minute battle brewing about brushing hair or getting dressed in time to make it to the bus stop in time for school (so that my husband and/or I can consequently make it to work on time after getting the kids off to school). Sometimes I remain calm during meltdowns, but many times I make things worse by yelling- or even in my body language- making an irritated or "mean" face which triggers my child further. It doesn't help when my child is hitting me or yelling at me, either.</p><p style="text-align: justify;">Thanks to <i>Flourishing Homes & Families</i> for these helpful graphics:</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOjWdEphsMCBrOlvNH1pVGVPcBIo-ftazbdXAUh9ZlYdLgb1Q9qH_BaYs5mefmEnLWo2HpUeCjNwia3t-zJZY6XGJSvwIXOhoxXIjPxG_xNq2xmTRN1qf7_xA24KduNOpy1W1YBI8O6R3XQLF48ZRO7g0s-FMQDvokv6UGXnY4OvP17k_QcRS9V2NaZg/s828/1.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" data-original-height="827" data-original-width="828" height="236" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgOjWdEphsMCBrOlvNH1pVGVPcBIo-ftazbdXAUh9ZlYdLgb1Q9qH_BaYs5mefmEnLWo2HpUeCjNwia3t-zJZY6XGJSvwIXOhoxXIjPxG_xNq2xmTRN1qf7_xA24KduNOpy1W1YBI8O6R3XQLF48ZRO7g0s-FMQDvokv6UGXnY4OvP17k_QcRS9V2NaZg/w236-h236/1.jpg" width="236" /></a><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk11jNopPQpUyTCLGac95p8uVgVg4R2MUfSyZDUv1bd0p6WtkjcRCL9NnRXpPlM7M7ZDZo7yLVbrDURSmgDl6Ox7xmXUNp81zLIRso9fil0f0W66V6ORgkSS179wp6OSDGt4clvseN_IA4T_5qtp_00-iJhwVk5MH0u2pRCd_lAG0KwaEfk99VnGC8pQ/s828/2.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="827" data-original-width="828" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjk11jNopPQpUyTCLGac95p8uVgVg4R2MUfSyZDUv1bd0p6WtkjcRCL9NnRXpPlM7M7ZDZo7yLVbrDURSmgDl6Ox7xmXUNp81zLIRso9fil0f0W66V6ORgkSS179wp6OSDGt4clvseN_IA4T_5qtp_00-iJhwVk5MH0u2pRCd_lAG0KwaEfk99VnGC8pQ/w242-h242/2.jpg" width="242" /></a></div><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx58o_S6JnFaPMHjDlTzyoFmYxqnm3G4he8cEOqASj-rb257Zy8fAqPdLefQCav-E_YrulFYlCk-cm6pScwGXDQmgc8cKRVuGtjCj-eEyo-FizOQdjCJT-1YBUE9l5pXw_HrocKixsf32kJLg4fccd0blfLgT_Qt-7u_7YUKBPJVjUOFi6KVIJhlDoPQ/s819/3.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="817" data-original-width="819" height="268" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjx58o_S6JnFaPMHjDlTzyoFmYxqnm3G4he8cEOqASj-rb257Zy8fAqPdLefQCav-E_YrulFYlCk-cm6pScwGXDQmgc8cKRVuGtjCj-eEyo-FizOQdjCJT-1YBUE9l5pXw_HrocKixsf32kJLg4fccd0blfLgT_Qt-7u_7YUKBPJVjUOFi6KVIJhlDoPQ/w269-h268/3.jpg" width="269" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPy5DnkvpbHR28uKY-1Ra1HUi71jZo99xm0hqD2-gEkGrnaYmy03FezjpC1qTD7I8dHNfZPg-GdhJUAkV0FVT8LCEhTngkq4tGrRGTv3ueN6ywN7sstfvUOUV7BBPXidgtu0osmIXmMlLFkFZjtQHseQxDEe7O9LiZ-zwbUARvlEnFdBdjlR9Ed7rtAg/s823/4.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" data-original-height="821" data-original-width="823" height="248" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjPy5DnkvpbHR28uKY-1Ra1HUi71jZo99xm0hqD2-gEkGrnaYmy03FezjpC1qTD7I8dHNfZPg-GdhJUAkV0FVT8LCEhTngkq4tGrRGTv3ueN6ywN7sstfvUOUV7BBPXidgtu0osmIXmMlLFkFZjtQHseQxDEe7O9LiZ-zwbUARvlEnFdBdjlR9Ed7rtAg/w249-h248/4.jpg" width="249" /></a><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjdF146DySiUaTXOSSsL6wu1OIb7jLm3pp8qDJOgmyBNfiiLRvPLPU2EibrYQtS8p4Q7c4Ax1vcjMSjB6hoYHupbvu06BH0c2Lzzny0H2x4rs8dl45nwFVh4CXMdAD0Lr0sn604IkcsZzTgtsL0USdCplIBr66GIiKOfFQkJhc-RpEn6b1VyzW_UyMeg/s828/5.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjdF146DySiUaTXOSSsL6wu1OIb7jLm3pp8qDJOgmyBNfiiLRvPLPU2EibrYQtS8p4Q7c4Ax1vcjMSjB6hoYHupbvu06BH0c2Lzzny0H2x4rs8dl45nwFVh4CXMdAD0Lr0sn604IkcsZzTgtsL0USdCplIBr66GIiKOfFQkJhc-RpEn6b1VyzW_UyMeg/s828/5.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="827" data-original-width="828" height="252" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjjdF146DySiUaTXOSSsL6wu1OIb7jLm3pp8qDJOgmyBNfiiLRvPLPU2EibrYQtS8p4Q7c4Ax1vcjMSjB6hoYHupbvu06BH0c2Lzzny0H2x4rs8dl45nwFVh4CXMdAD0Lr0sn604IkcsZzTgtsL0USdCplIBr66GIiKOfFQkJhc-RpEn6b1VyzW_UyMeg/w252-h252/5.jpg" width="252" /></a></div></div></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><br /></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzrAX27Qo3kHVdYob_vrKPQ69yuhxPCOWL38aKISWgg3oOPVwbfB19dPff0LELvZpY7XqSK2cndZNyhYXVClHAdX8UfLvdMhnMVq8v3-IsZku4Q0v156Ebuo9_MQ6_CxwjRgVWVOANKIW614rB2e8kh83ZFL8y8CJC01jBd_wFEUfJ4L1k1docMaOEmQ/s821/6.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><img border="0" data-original-height="819" data-original-width="821" height="242" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhzrAX27Qo3kHVdYob_vrKPQ69yuhxPCOWL38aKISWgg3oOPVwbfB19dPff0LELvZpY7XqSK2cndZNyhYXVClHAdX8UfLvdMhnMVq8v3-IsZku4Q0v156Ebuo9_MQ6_CxwjRgVWVOANKIW614rB2e8kh83ZFL8y8CJC01jBd_wFEUfJ4L1k1docMaOEmQ/w243-h242/6.jpg" width="243" /></a><div style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: justify;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpxqQu1jDSdFsTJKnpscz5aUFErZqa6MmRz0rv9we6FYIozZZ-rcSDrlOgH86YEnZbhd4c-i4iXb_I3wDjTZQIy7RFCPuJ9LzhT-jUWi2Jq7knPYjn_IM_JhuO5_iZvHNrmuc2Gh0q9XOY6jeLAZ3kgI_dFtUkYjNuWXol6tixqhtSih0n0WqRiXVlig/s827/7.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpxqQu1jDSdFsTJKnpscz5aUFErZqa6MmRz0rv9we6FYIozZZ-rcSDrlOgH86YEnZbhd4c-i4iXb_I3wDjTZQIy7RFCPuJ9LzhT-jUWi2Jq7knPYjn_IM_JhuO5_iZvHNrmuc2Gh0q9XOY6jeLAZ3kgI_dFtUkYjNuWXol6tixqhtSih0n0WqRiXVlig/s827/7.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="825" data-original-width="827" height="245" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgpxqQu1jDSdFsTJKnpscz5aUFErZqa6MmRz0rv9we6FYIozZZ-rcSDrlOgH86YEnZbhd4c-i4iXb_I3wDjTZQIy7RFCPuJ9LzhT-jUWi2Jq7knPYjn_IM_JhuO5_iZvHNrmuc2Gh0q9XOY6jeLAZ3kgI_dFtUkYjNuWXol6tixqhtSih0n0WqRiXVlig/w246-h245/7.jpg" width="246" /></a></div></div><p style="text-align: justify;">I have a mantra that "It will all work out" which I use especially when I'm not sure if I quite believe it yet. Because of Jill's school avoidance and subsequent missed school days this year, my husband and I have had to take turns missing work on the days that Jill refuses to go to school. I admit, I feel like such a failure when I have to call the attendance line at her school and excuse her absence when it's not a broken arm or the flu but "a meltdown"- because most people aren't empathetic to that reasoning unless it's something they've experienced themselves. It's equally embarrassing when I have to tell my supervisor at work that I can't come into work (again) because my youngest child is refusing to go to school and my spouse is unable to miss work that day. </p><p style="text-align: justify;">I am fortunate that although I do work outside of the home, I am not the primary breadwinner for our family and I don't have to work. Because of this and other reasons, I gave notice at one of my part-time jobs (hospital social work during daytime hours when my kids are in school) that I would be quitting soon. However, instead of taking some time off for self-care and/or adding more clients from my other part-time work (doing therapy), I will be staying home during the day monitoring Jill while she does online schooling. Although part of me feels it will be a good opportunity to connect with each other and for her to spend more time with me, part of me is also resentful when I think "I'll be missing out on seeing more clients/bringing in more money or even getting some exercise or sleeping in when my body needs extra rest." Parenting has never been about fulfilling one's own wants first, and I realize it's not so black and white and that I can have time for my wants and needs while supervising online learning again, so I need to remind myself "It will all work out."</p><p style="text-align: justify;">For any other parents or caregivers out there dealing with school refusal, I think this is a helpful guide if your child isn't too deep into fight/flight/freeze mode and feels calm enough to open up with you (and vice versa):</p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrSRhd0BHyDsmSXgbDjGfcBSo1SawoGXfQ6tT4kOiO1uNtWZS2ZmMVFNQyShSLvQj7h2AJipMORiXlSIV2pCFnl6ky2gbakjlniZybEZ3tTmoYHm9ag10K5yBnAneu5c91_UITR2FhrlpsBTcR5qYnoz940qoYLGS0coz9sEPCFM0ed_6j0CCgS_GWtQ/s1080/school%20refusal.png" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1080" data-original-width="1080" height="421" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrSRhd0BHyDsmSXgbDjGfcBSo1SawoGXfQ6tT4kOiO1uNtWZS2ZmMVFNQyShSLvQj7h2AJipMORiXlSIV2pCFnl6ky2gbakjlniZybEZ3tTmoYHm9ag10K5yBnAneu5c91_UITR2FhrlpsBTcR5qYnoz940qoYLGS0coz9sEPCFM0ed_6j0CCgS_GWtQ/w421-h421/school%20refusal.png" width="421" /></a></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-20003220785450578422021-03-02T10:49:00.006-08:002021-03-03T17:19:48.248-08:00Emotional Burnout from Online Learning<p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Remember when I used to
write on this blog regularly- or at least more than once a quarter?</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">Me neither!</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">I think I have a couple of good excuses though.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span> </span>Excuse #1- Since I last posted- 7 months ago-
I’ve had to study for and pass the most important test of my professional
career.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span> </span>Excuse #2- I started working at
a new workplace – initially meeting clients in person, then meeting virtually
when COVID cases rose, and now that I’ve been able to receive my vaccinations,
I’m meeting both in person and virtually for those clients who prefer to
continue meeting that way.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></p><p style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span> </span>Excuse #3- I’ve
been balancing working part-time with overseeing my children do online
schooling at home.</span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">I might also add that
ALL of my children have varying degrees and subtypes of ADHD- Good Times!</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsuhog1CIevE11x0iMT55q0vsHQgtf7WazTttqpbevUY_OAZ4kqIQatJ22iKtHQEgBUHk44k_gIuOFevSQWfo2jVupvSudRljJamouJVZWthgjRBPRrHDZBTnT6sG4NyYgbyHhGpO5jID9/s800/543D0516-8388-49E1-89DC-E5CE9E4A7052.jpeg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="800" data-original-width="800" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhsuhog1CIevE11x0iMT55q0vsHQgtf7WazTttqpbevUY_OAZ4kqIQatJ22iKtHQEgBUHk44k_gIuOFevSQWfo2jVupvSudRljJamouJVZWthgjRBPRrHDZBTnT6sG4NyYgbyHhGpO5jID9/s320/543D0516-8388-49E1-89DC-E5CE9E4A7052.jpeg" /></a></div><p></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">Everyone has been
affected differently during this pandemic.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Some have suffered financially, others have suffered physically or lost loved
ones and those around them to the virus, and many have suffered emotionally
with increasing levels of depression and anxiety.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One of the most difficult and unexpected
parts for me of 2020/21 has been parenting- more specifically, trying to balance
the physical health and safety of my children (and the health of those within
our household and others around us who are higher risk) with their mental
well-being.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is undeniable that whether
a child is particularly social or not, social development with peers makes up a
huge part of their identity formation and mental health needs.<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">Two of my kids and I made
it through three-fourths of the year doing online learning.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>By February (just last month) we were all BURNT
OUT.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, I’ve been feeling more secure
knowing that I’ve been vaccinated and that both sets of my children’s at-risk
grandparents were able to be vaccinated as well.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We made the decision to send our youngest
child, who requires the most supervision doing online learning and was showing
the most adverse effects of not being in an in-person school setting, back to
school just last week.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have to admit
that my own mental health was a contributing factor to sending her back to
school as well!<o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">We decided that our other
kids can push through another month doing online learning at home to make the
transition easier since it will be the start of a new term by then.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It is already SO much easier for me to be
involved in their studies with one less high-maintenance student at home! I am
also feeling some guilt lifted because I am able to spend more one-on-one time with
my middle child who has typically become accustomed to fending for himself or
taking the initiative to get assignments done while I focus my attention on his
younger sister who is in need of more direct supervision and guidance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That’s another thing I’ve discovered- each
child is different and there are some cases where a child might thrive, for
various reasons, in a virtual classroom or being homeschooled, while another
child could seriously suffer emotionally or fall behind academically.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">As for kids “falling
behind” in school because of the pandemic, I highly recommend heeding the
following counsel written by retired educator <b><a href="https://www.facebook.com/teresa.t.snyder">Teresa Thayer Snyder</a></b>, which went
viral.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If you don’t have time to read
the entire thing the biggest takeaway is “<span style="background-color: white; background: white; color: #050505;">“When the children return to school, we will need to listen
to them. Let their stories be told. They have endured a year that has no
parallel in modern times.”</span><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: courier;">“Dear Friends and Colleagues:<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: courier;">I am writing today about the children of this pandemic.
After a lifetime of working among the young, I feel compelled to address the
concerns that are being expressed by so many of my peers about the deficits the
children will demonstrate when they finally return to school. My goodness, what
a disconcerting thing to be concerned about in the face of a pandemic which is
affecting millions of people around the country and the world. It speaks to one
of my biggest fears for the children when they return. In our determination to
“catch them up,” I fear that we will lose who they are and what they have
learned during this unprecedented era. What on earth are we trying to catch
them up on? The models no longer apply, the benchmarks are no longer valid, the
trend analyses have been interrupted. We must not forget that those arbitrary
measures were established by people, not ordained by God. We can make those
invalid measures as obsolete as a crank up telephone! They simply do not apply.
When the children return to school, they will have returned with a new history
that we will need to help them identify and make sense of. When the children
return to school, we will need to listen to them. Let their stories be told.
They have endured a year that has no parallel in modern times. There is no
assessment that applies to who they are or what they have learned. Remember,
their brains did not go into hibernation during this year. Their brains may not
have been focused on traditional school material, but they did not stop either.
Their brains may have been focused on where their next meal is coming from, or
how to care for a younger sibling, or how to deal with missing grandma, or how
it feels to have to surrender a beloved pet, or how to deal with death. Our job
is to welcome them back and help them write that history.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: courier;">I sincerely plead with my colleagues, to surrender the
artificial constructs that measure achievement and greet the children where
they are, not where we think they “should be.” Greet them with art supplies and
writing materials, and music and dance and so many other avenues to help them
express what has happened to them in their lives during this horrific year.
Greet them with stories and books that will help them make sense of an
upside-down world. They missed you. They did not miss the test prep. They did
not miss the worksheets. They did not miss the reading groups. They did not
miss the homework. They missed you.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: courier;">Resist the pressure from whatever ‘powers that be’ who are
in a hurry to “fix” kids and make up for the “lost” time. The time was not
lost, it was invested in surviving an historic period of time in their lives—in
our lives. The children do not need to be fixed. They are not broken. They need
to be heard. They need be given as many tools as we can provide to nurture
resilience and help them adjust to a post pandemic world.<o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 3.75pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"><span style="font-family: courier;">Being a teacher is an essential connection between what is
and what can be. Please, let what can be demonstrate that our children have so
much to share about the world they live in and in helping them make sense of
what, for all of us has been unimaginable. This will help them-- and us--
achieve a lot more than can be measured by any assessment tool ever devised.
Peace to all who work with the children!”</span><span style="font-family: Times New Roman, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: normal; margin-bottom: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Another thing I’ve had to work on while my
kids have done remote learning this past year is chilling out and lowering my academic
expectations for my kids.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This has been
something that has been especially hard for me because I tend to be a
perfectionist about checking everything off of a “To Do” list.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unfortunately, sometimes my intention and
approach comes across as a “Homework Nazi” to my kids and backfires, causing
more stress and shame for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I am
reminded that any additional stress or shame they might feel is the very last
thing my kids need right now growing up in the middle of a global pandemic.</span><span style="color: #1c1e21; font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman";"><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "Times New Roman",serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">Back in Mid-November
(even before Thanksgiving) my family put up the Christmas tree and our decorations
and my kids made a paper chain counting down the days till Christmas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>We were in much need of early Christmas cheer
and something to look forward to after a year full of disruption and disappointments.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Today after my little boy gets his online
learning done he’s going to make another paper chain- this one counting down
the days left till he can join his friends and classmates at school again after
being separated from them for over a year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>For him, it will be like Christmas!</span></p>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-59184111351724674512020-08-18T13:39:00.000-07:002020-08-18T13:39:14.242-07:00How to Raise a Happy, Healthy Child Through Every Phase of Life<p><i>The following is a guest post contributed by Abby Holt of <a href="http://craftability.org" target="_blank">craftability.org</a>.</i></p><p><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_zPqUH3pzkysD98NLizGRWvPGHoNEpgcjlN2uuLmc75EWaSLMgPJueavdKGrezG6nWfEHUKox-4d-PejMDJyh1HTiHwUE2iaePYe6iYDvvZfuCjj1XAGcgzbWNWs6Ctqt7SUBRFN1XzKR/s1920/baby.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="1440" data-original-width="1920" height="246" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_zPqUH3pzkysD98NLizGRWvPGHoNEpgcjlN2uuLmc75EWaSLMgPJueavdKGrezG6nWfEHUKox-4d-PejMDJyh1HTiHwUE2iaePYe6iYDvvZfuCjj1XAGcgzbWNWs6Ctqt7SUBRFN1XzKR/w328-h246/baby.jpg" width="328" /></a></p><p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN">Photo Source:<b> </b><a href="https://unsplash.com/photos/5zp0jym2w9M"><span style="color: #1155cc;">Unsplash</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p><p></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: left;">Becoming a parent means diving into the
unknown. No matter how much you think you know about what it takes to raise a
child, your kid will somehow manage to completely surprise you at every turn!
Yes, parenthood means facing new obstacles, especially if your child has
special needs, but you don’t have to stumble your way through it all. We’ve
collected some valuable resources packed with advice on caring for your child
through every year of their lives.<b><span lang="EN"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></div><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN">Creating
Structured Routines<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN">Children benefit from having predictable
routines set by their parents, and even older children will need your guidance
on structuring their routines.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.healthline.com/health/parenting/baby-feeding-schedule"><span style="color: #1155cc;">Baby Feeding Schedule: A Guide to the First Year</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://localbabysitter.com/best-ways-to-help-children-fall-asleep-at-nap-time/"><span style="color: #1155cc;">Best Ways to Help Children Fall Asleep at Nap Time</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><span style="color: #1155cc;"><a href="https://www.womansday.com/relationships/family-friends/a5856/how-to-get-your-teen-up-for-school-123213/">How to Get Your Teen Up for School</a></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN">Teaching
Your Child to Love Learning<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN">Learning is a lifelong endeavor, and it
shouldn’t stop when your child leaves school!</span><b><span lang="EN"><o:p> </o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.healthychildren.org/English/ages-stages/preschool/Pages/Helping-Your-Child-Learn-to-Read.aspx"><span style="color: #1155cc;">Helping Your Child Learn to Read</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.homeadvisor.com/r/homeschool-math-resources/"><span style="color: #1155cc;">Tips for Homeschooling Math</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.understood.org/en/school-learning/learning-at-home/homework-study-skills/how-to-help-your-teen-develop-good-study-habits"><span style="color: #1155cc;">How to Help Your Teen Develop Good Study Habits</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><span style="color: #1155cc;"><a href="https://www.redfin.com/blog/how-to-safely-observe-wildlife-from-your-home">How to Safely Observe Wildlife from Your Home</a></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN">Encourage
Healthy Habits<o:p></o:p></span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN">It’s never too early to start teaching your
child about healthy everyday habits, from healthy nutrition tips to physical
exercise.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.whattoexpect.com/toddler-nutrition/toddler-eating-habits.aspx"><span style="color: #1155cc;">Toddler Eating Habits: A Few Golden Rules</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.greatschools.org/gk/articles/managing-your-childs-screen-time/"><span style="color: #1155cc;">9 Secrets to Managing Your Child’s Screen Time</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.sheknows.com/parenting/articles/1063494/how-to-get-your-teen-to-exercise/"><span style="color: #1155cc;">8 Great Ways to Get Your Teen to Exercise</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span lang="EN"><o:p> </o:p></span></b><b><span lang="EN">Educate
Your Child About Relationships</span></b></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN">Throughout your child’s life, they will turn
to you for advice on friendships and romantic relationships. These resources
will help you prepare to answer their questions.</span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://pathways.org/getting-preschoolers-share/"><span style="color: #1155cc;">Getting Preschoolers to Share</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><a href="https://www.parents.com/kids/development/friends/making-friends/"><span style="color: #1155cc;">How to Help Your Child Make Friends</span></a><o:p></o:p></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN"><span style="color: #1155cc;"><a href="https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-moment-youth/201904/teach-your-teen-set-emotional-boundaries">Teach Your Teen to Set Emotional Boundaries</a></span></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal"><span lang="EN">Many parents struggle with insecurity and
doubt when they start a family. After all, it’s common for parents to hear lots
of conflicting advice about what is best for their children. But with these
resources, you’ll be able to discern which tips will be most helpful for you
and your family. <o:p></o:p></span></p>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-21466219400134992102020-08-03T15:25:00.014-07:002020-08-04T09:59:11.519-07:00Trauma is "Too Much, Too Fast"<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">I’m considering this post my personal emotional check-in/answer to the
question I posed at the end of my previous post.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">Back in April I was feeling “overwhelmed” (if I had to choose
just one word) when I wrote <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2020/04/things-cant-be-awesome-all-of-time.html" target="_blank">this post</a>. Everything
was “too much, too fast”. I’ve been through
hard times before and I’d like to think that I’m more patient than the average
person, but lately rather than feeling overwhelmed I’ve found myself feeling annoyed
and irritable. I hate the uncertainty in
the world and I’m sick of feeling “trapped” inside. And then, of course, I immediately feel
guilty for feeling that way because suffering is relative and there are those
who actually <i>are</i> in a trapped situation- kids in abusive or neglectful homes
who could benefit from the safety net of public schools opening, women in
domestic violence situations who can’t as easily get away from their
perpetrator, or the children and families still <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2018/06/suffer-children-to-come-unto-me-unless.html">in detention centers</a> or living
in cages. A cage has got to be the
epitome of being trapped. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">My heart is usually drawn, first and foremost, to children
and youth who are suffering. I have admittedly never
been interested in working with the elderly- as needful a population as they
are. However, I must admit that I’ve
become much more aware of the mental and physical trauma that the senior citizes around
the world are currently facing- not to mention financial concerns. If anyone has a right to complain about lack
of connection, feeling trapped, or facing the realistic possibility of death
from COVID-19 it’s the elderly. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">I have two elderly parents right now in their late 80s who, fortunately, are
still able to be very much connected to and supported by their children, grandchildren, and
great grandchildren. Although my parents have
some risk factors in addition to their age, their health is currently stable. My in-laws, however, who are roughly the same age as my parents, have faced some unique
challenges over the past year including having to sell their home of decades and
moving into an Assisted Living Center where they could both have access to 24
hour care since their children were not realistically able to provide that to
them. [That’s the condensed version of the story anyway- omitting numerous falls, an emergency brain surgery, children taking turns to care for them in their home, and a convalescent period at a rehabiliation center before one of them was able to transition to Assisted Living]. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">My in-laws have adjusted well to their new living
situation, but they are both currently struggling with feeling “trapped” as
their facility has been on lockdown the past several months. As upscale and nice as their particular facility
is, I overheard my mother-in-law liken the helpless feeling she had of not
being able to have visitors in her suite or not being able to leave the
facility except for medical appointments and other necessities as being in prison.
<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">Last month I was having a conversation with my mother-in-law
(we can visit with them outside their windows or through glass if we want to go
in person) and it became evident to me that in addition to the new stress and uncertainty
she is facing surrounding COVID restrictions and precautions, she is also still
grieving her former independence and home. Speaking of her home she said, “I don’t believe I’ve ever shed more
tears over having to say goodbye to my home than I even have over a living
person who has died.” I hadn’t quite
understood the enormity of her grief and loss until I heard her say that. Because the circumstances leading up to selling
her home and moving into an Assisted Living Center were due to an unexpected event
and her transition happened within months without much time to process everything, it fell into the category/definition
of trauma being “too much, too fast.” <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">When I heard my mother-in-law express her grief I also
thought of the thousands of children in foster care who- at a moment’s notice-
are moved from their homes without time to say goodbye, are given a garbage bag
to collect their essentials, and are placed into a stranger’s home in cases
where they can’t be placed with relatives.
“Too much, too fast” certainly applies to refugee families who are
willing to leave their homeland under dangerous circumstances without much except
the clothes on their backs in order to escape poverty, violence, exploitation or
government oppression. <o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">On a personal level of experiencing “too much, too fast”,
since I wrote an update four months ago, a couple of significant things have
happened in my life. These aren’t necessarily
bad/traumatic things, but they have required much effort and encompass a lot of
CHANGE:<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpFirst" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><font face="inherit"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: Tahoma;">-<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> - </span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">I
finished up my Masters Degree in Social Work!
Which means, among other things, that I will have more time to read and
write just for fun than for a graded assignment or research.</span></font></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><font face="inherit"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: Tahoma;">-<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> -</span></span><!--[endif]--><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;">I had
a virtual job interview and I will be starting a new position in the Fall doing
what I did at my last internship- providing therapy to children and adolescents-
most of whom are in the foster care system or have been adopted.<o:p></o:p></span></font></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0px;"><font face="inherit"><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> -Our
family moved into a bigger home.</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">We’ve
been looking for homes for three or four years now so although our move wasn’t necessarily
unexpected or due to financial hardship or job loss, we certainly didn’t envision
that our next move would coincide with a pandemic!</span><span style="font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></font></p>
<p class="MsoListParagraphCxSpMiddle" style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;"><font face="inherit"><!--[if !supportLists]--><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; mso-fareast-font-family: Tahoma;">-<span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-indent: -0.25in;"><span style="font-size: 7pt; font-stretch: normal; font-variant-east-asian: normal; font-variant-numeric: normal; line-height: normal;"> </span></span><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-indent: -0.25in;">Because
we now have more space, we are in a position to house elderly parents, if
needed, or to host another foster child or two.
(The prospect of housing not just one but two elderly parents certainly influenced
our decision to start the school year out virtually rather than in
person). Although I still feel like we’re
getting settled into our house, I am also aware that other populations-
including the elderly, children in foster care, or refugees- are at particular risk
for going through “too much, too fast” without needed supports in place. I don’t know for certain who exactly will be
joining our household over the next year or two, but I’m a firm believer that if
you have more than you need, then you share. </span></font><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy2hvZ54utDS01XsQQeUwjuhL-1_dWfFcuKu-sFAFP88SBcfaMsh1S1oP_KAJA2LsSdvYIfwg2eugj4FHiYCshexP3zHM4oqSvRNYsQDexyUGG28_DylQQzLZYbAqJ46khX0EjNv5L9K5/s493/given+much.jpg" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em; text-align: center;"><img border="0" data-original-height="486" data-original-width="493" height="199" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjKy2hvZ54utDS01XsQQeUwjuhL-1_dWfFcuKu-sFAFP88SBcfaMsh1S1oP_KAJA2LsSdvYIfwg2eugj4FHiYCshexP3zHM4oqSvRNYsQDexyUGG28_DylQQzLZYbAqJ46khX0EjNv5L9K5/w202-h199/given+much.jpg" width="202" /><font face="inherit" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"> </span></font></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk055yeDepb1ifW6MGUYCz73TQL-9-03yhTUZUEXZ1VgwrhH0WGIoQVi7eFJg4qznO_R00igvYcbmi_bbNUeAmafOr2i6YRACR1lM9ofmD1vq0BtonJVBjoS5oIfXUn_XwZwvbjzCXJgpz/s658/table.jpg" style="clear: right; display: inline; font-family: inherit; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="646" data-original-width="658" height="206" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgk055yeDepb1ifW6MGUYCz73TQL-9-03yhTUZUEXZ1VgwrhH0WGIoQVi7eFJg4qznO_R00igvYcbmi_bbNUeAmafOr2i6YRACR1lM9ofmD1vq0BtonJVBjoS5oIfXUn_XwZwvbjzCXJgpz/w210-h206/table.jpg" width="210" /></a></p>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-64827712720637757122020-08-03T15:15:00.007-07:002020-08-03T18:57:22.482-07:00Collective Trauma & Collective Support<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">Hey Readers, How’s everyone holding up? I came across a quote last month which really
spoke to me and I wanted to share it now.
What struck me in this quote is the definition of trauma as “too much,
too fast.” which is such an accurate description of all of the changes that
have taken place in our world, nation, and our personal lives since mid-March
of this year.</font></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia3poSAVwOz7AHMMZNRnB-qEStClBvQVzdL8jSxaZiGiRim1PvL9TNMq5nlLGZ2pS9ebZp93RDVx-MFoeVb_jHPs71i3PYbXS9CQNaEkS79UG1nVW5_-wxI97w5U7-VYy-wx666yQCCo8i/s750/CROP.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><font face="inherit"><img border="0" data-original-height="693" data-original-width="750" height="378" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEia3poSAVwOz7AHMMZNRnB-qEStClBvQVzdL8jSxaZiGiRim1PvL9TNMq5nlLGZ2pS9ebZp93RDVx-MFoeVb_jHPs71i3PYbXS9CQNaEkS79UG1nVW5_-wxI97w5U7-VYy-wx666yQCCo8i/w410-h378/CROP.jpg" width="410" /></font></a></div><font face="inherit"><o:p></o:p></font><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">Another unique and somewhat
comforting aspect of this quote is the fact that we are all undergoing a
“collective” traumatic experience right now.
Many times trauma can be so personal in nature that very few people are
even aware of the silent struggles an individual may be going through. “In the quiet heart is hidden Sorrow that the
eye can’t see” is a line from <a href="https://www.churchofjesuschrist.org/music/library/hymns/lord-i-would-follow-thee?lang=eng&_r=1">a
favorite Hymn</a> of mine that describes this concept.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">What makes this past year and
global pandemic different from other kinds of trauma is that everyone is
suffering to some degree and it’s not something that can be kept hidden. One might think that because everyone is
having to adapt to change it would make us more united and sympathetic towards
each other. Sadly, I have observed many
instances where I’ve found just the opposite is true- especially in online
interactions and in social media where judgments, criticisms, debate, and even
conspiracy theories take precedence over empathy, encouragement, civil dialogue,
and problem-solving.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">Don’t get me wrong, I think
the internet can be a great tool for connection and many are craving that
connection and are especially in need of interaction right now. I’ve also found it interesting that although
both my husband and I would describe ourselves as introverts, we’ve both really
missed interacting with others face-to-face on a regular basis. I admittedly have not left the house much at
all over the past 4 or so months. Here’s
something I shared on my personal Facebook profile regarding that:</font></span></p><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoSMMqSS3TZP4zvZbgSg8GUO_fPm-k1XSGmdXD0GLld1F2FMvFitLXhkrqYzBvS03H-wyrFrlvEuUG4MyEEwscbRyneH2PJ_McnDz62ugm9WygblTL56XE35hyphenhyphenvIJKgui6-VbfO6Kozeyf/s906/farley.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><font face="inherit"><img border="0" data-original-height="906" data-original-width="721" height="410" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhoSMMqSS3TZP4zvZbgSg8GUO_fPm-k1XSGmdXD0GLld1F2FMvFitLXhkrqYzBvS03H-wyrFrlvEuUG4MyEEwscbRyneH2PJ_McnDz62ugm9WygblTL56XE35hyphenhyphenvIJKgui6-VbfO6Kozeyf/w326-h410/farley.jpg" width="326" /></font></a></div><font face="inherit"><o:p></o:p></font><p></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">Last week I had to get my driver’s
license renewed and my husband came along to do a couple of errands as
well. I scheduled my appointment with
the DMV early in the morning, so I decided to get a much-needed haircut before returning home. My husband needed a trim and he
and I were the only ones in the hair salon, and afterwards he was teasing me
about how gabby I was with the lady cutting my hair. I am usually much more of a listener than a
talker, but apparently I was so excited to interact with someone in person that
I guess I just kept going on and on- whereas other times I may have thought
“Just cut my hair- no need to ask me questions.” That was also definitely the first time I’ve
been asked to wash my hands before getting a haircut and had a mask covering my
face the entire time.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<p class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%;"><font face="inherit">Going back to the quote that
I shared: <b>“Of course you aren’t as productive, feeling foggy, or wondering
how you can possibly go through so many waves of emotions all in the same day.”</b> YES! I
love the validation that it’s natural to experience many different emotions in
such a short time. I know that my
physical energy, productiveness, and moods have greatly fluctuated from day to
day. It’s okay to have ambivalent feelings. For example, I love my children dearly and I
find it so ironic that earlier this year I was feeling so guilty/resentful for
not having more time apart from my schooling and work to spend with them. And now that we’ve been quarantined together
for almost five months there are days when they absolutely drive me CRAZY and I
just need to go in a different room to have my own space. School this year will be another huge
adjustment as we recently made the decision to enroll our kids in online
learning for at least the first term or two and then we’ll play things by ear.<o:p></o:p></font></span></p>
<span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12pt;">At the beginning of
this post I asked a question: </span><b style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12pt;">How’s everyone holding up?</b><span style="font-family: inherit; font-size: 12pt;"> It wasn’t a rhetorical question! I often hold a check-in at the beginning of my
counseling sessions with younger clients with the objective of them simply
being able to identify what they are feeling, often times with the aid of a visual chart. Let’s consider this a group check-in. Using the image below or however you feel
like- comment how you’re doing, what your biggest challenge or right now is, or
what you’ve found helpful to make it through each day.</span></div></span><div style="text-align: justify;"><span style="font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><font face="inherit"><br /></font></span></div><div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;"><font face="inherit" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"> <a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXwNyEcgAUxbwM5MRY6FNcvLSkV32PUJ8wqFv2ZPEpWaLaYN15O3fWfnc2RvDlZReFMPQ9Odo4OAtwSmZvckr9t61Lk_rC_VPj9XQ3lu5wQsqZHphzxq0NMWWu26tbQ9Ww5n9YCUINuxBY/s750/stress+levels.jpg" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="741" data-original-width="750" height="324" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjXwNyEcgAUxbwM5MRY6FNcvLSkV32PUJ8wqFv2ZPEpWaLaYN15O3fWfnc2RvDlZReFMPQ9Odo4OAtwSmZvckr9t61Lk_rC_VPj9XQ3lu5wQsqZHphzxq0NMWWu26tbQ9Ww5n9YCUINuxBY/w328-h324/stress+levels.jpg" width="328" /></a></font></div><span style="font-family: tahoma, sans-serif; line-height: 107%; mso-ansi-language: EN-US; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: Calibri; mso-fareast-language: EN-US; mso-fareast-theme-font: minor-latin;"><div style="text-align: justify;"><br /></div></span></div>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-63303354258900144812020-07-28T18:23:00.003-07:002020-08-02T03:25:29.584-07:00Ready to Start, Ready to Learn, Ready to Help<div style="text-align: justify;">Fifteen years ago my husband and I went through the training to become foster parents through our state. This summer my husband and I finished up the training (and are 90% done with the licensing requirements!) to foster through a private agency for a slightly different demographic than we have fostered in the past- I'm sure I'll write more about that experience sometime in the future. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Last year the following article was published in the December 2019/January 2020 issue of <a href="https://utahfostercare.org/foster-parent-resources/foster-roster/">Foster Roster,</a> a magazine sent out to foster parents in my region. The article was written by the man who was our trainer over a decade ago and as I read it a lot of memories came flooding back- specifically surrounding the word "nervouscited" which is a great way to describe how I was feeling back then and how my husband and I are feeling now as we embark on a slightly different fostering path.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I'm sharing this article now for anyone who may need to hear any part of its message- wether you're just starting out on your journey to become a foster parent or are a veteran or have been considering the possibilities of fostering, or you have found your way here for whatever reason.</div>
<br />
<b>Ya’ Know, I’ve Been Thinking…
By: Brian Young, Education, <a href="https://utahfostercare.org/training-for-parents/">Utah Foster Care</a> </b><br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Every month when I walk into a classroom for Class 1, at
one of our region’s DCFS buildings, I look around the
room at a group of new faces…. that have absolutely no
idea what’s about to happen to them. You all remember
that night, right? You were so “nervouscited” to finally
start your foster care journey, which I understand, that
you didn’t even notice that some of your spouses, if you
had one there, were glaring at me with a “I can think of
100 places I'd rather be” face, which I also understand. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
A few months ago, I had a couple looking at me with a
different face. It was more like a, “I think I remember you,”
face and they asked, “Wasn’t it you that was teaching 15 or
16 years ago when we went through this the first time?” I
nodded my head, smiled and thought, “I've been doing this
for 20 years and feel, really old.” </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It’s made me think about a lot of things; how much child
welfare has changed in our great state over the past 2
decades, how much more we know about how to better
help kids and families who find themselves dealing with a
situation and system they’d rather not be in, how
frustrating and sad it is that sometimes it doesn’t work
out the way we wanted or hoped, and how frustrating and
sad it is, in a different way, that sometimes it does.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I think what’s been coming to my mind the most is <i>all of
you</i>. With a little quick figuring and guesstimating, in the
last 20 years, I've met over 3,000 families, roughly 6,000
people who had one thing in common - they had decided
that sharing their lives with traumatized children and
their families was something they wanted to do, without
really even knowing what that meant. But there you were,
ready to start, ready to learn, and ready to help. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I say it every month in class, “People who don’t
understand fostering really can’t help you understand and
deal with the challenges of fostering.” But I also realize
that people who don’t understand fostering, can’t fully
appreciate those who do it either. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
You’re an odd bunch, you know that, right? You come to
this to help, usually not realizing that “helping” means
bringing these kiddos into your homes, lives and families,
with all the “stuff ” that comes with them. You give them
your heart, your time, your patience, your money, and
sometimes whatever was left of your sanity, with the idea
that if all goes well, you’ll be able to then watch them walk
back, with a piece of your heart, to the family they came to
you from. That’s if you have a “normal” case, whatever
that means anymore. Add to that the extra stress of a case
where it’s a constant battle with a bio-parent, a challenge
to work with agencies who are sometimes having to work
under a different set of rules than you, and sometimes
they, would like, situations beyond your control that make
you want to question the one thing you can control,
whether you keep doing this or not. And you do. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Now don’t go getting all misty-eyed on me, we’ll always
have more work to do to stay focused. I know when I sit in
meetings with DCFS and hear that foster parents are
frustrated with, or not participating in efforts towards
determining if reunification will work, or deciding way
before a judge does that adoption really is the best plan for
a child they’re caring for, or want a child moved, because
the very behaviors that made sense while we talked about
them in class, are now somehow unacceptable in actual
real-life practice, we’ll always have more work to do. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
With all that said, what it comes down to, for me, is that
I've had 20 years to work with some amazingly odd people.
Thank you for trying, even when it seemed like a waste of
time. Thank you for hoping, even when it seemed hopeless.
Thank you for not saying out loud, in that moment of
borderline rational thought, what you were thinking in
that family team meeting, knowing you would have
regretted it when you calmed down a bit. Thank you for
helping those children you brought into your lives know it
was ok to trust a parent again. Thank you for stretching
your parameters a little, deciding that 9-year-old boy you
said yes to really is kinda close to your initial request for
girls only, from birth to 3. And the fact he’s a package deal
with a 6-year-old sister, when you requested one child
only, really is kinda like one, kinda. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
See? I told you, you are odd. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Thanks and not just from me not that long ago I sat in a
meeting with Melonie Brown, our Regional Director, who
looked at me and said, “We love our foster parents! It’s
crazy what we ask them to do. To take these kids in and
love them like their own, give so much of themselves to
help them, and then give them back. It’s just crazy, but we
love them for doing it!” </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
That obviously doesn’t mean there won’t be
disagreements, challenges and frustrations, but know
your efforts, even though it might seem so, aren’t going
unnoticed. Even if you’re not hearing it, I am. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
One last time, thank you. I appreciate the opportunity to
be a small part of your journey through the craziness.
Even those of you who were staring at me that first night
of class with something other than a look of excited
anticipation on your face.
Thanks for still being here.</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-53559459824337530122020-04-16T22:12:00.003-07:002020-04-17T08:24:33.287-07:00Things Can't Be Awesome All of The Time<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: justify;">
Sometimes inspiration can be found in the most surprising of places. Tonight I let my kids stay up way past their bedtime and watch too much TV. I was trying to finish up one of my final papers of the semester and decided to stay in the same room with them and type while they were watching <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt3513498/?ref_=ttfc_fc_tt">The Lego Movie 2</a> on Netflix. I hadn't seen it before and wasn't paying much attention except to make an occasional glance towards the screen. I stopped typing mid-sentence towards the end of the movie when I was so unexpectedly touched by the lyrics to one of the songs (to the tune of "Everything is Awesome" from the first movie) that I literally made my 12 year old rewind the movie and pause it while I got all of the words written down on my computer.</div>
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Everything is definitely not awesome in the world right now. We are in the middle of a global pandemic which has drastically changed the economy and people's mental health- not to even mention the obvious fatalities and physical consequences of the widespread virus. </div>
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On a personal level I'm making the transition to unexpectedly homeschooling my kids while trying to finish up my graduate degree which won't even have an official graduation ceremony because numerous plans have been cancelled, put on hold, or turned upside down. </div>
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In addition to the world dealing with collective grief and loss surrounding this latest strain of the coronavirus, I had the heartbreaking experience of recently saying goodbye to my child and adolescent clients from my internship who have already experienced so much grief and loss in their short lives. I felt guilty for their sakes but relieved that I can have more time to focus on the needs of my children who must be my first priority right now.</div>
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I keep vacillating between worrying about my own concerns and then feeling guilty that I'm not in more of a position to help others who are in crisis- specifically those who don't have the luxury of staying home from work because work means putting food on the table for their families or those who are staying home when home is not necessarily a safe place to be. When it was announced that schools would be closed I immediately thought of the kids who count on school as their safe place (or at least a place to be fed when they may not otherwise be.) "Child abuse rates are going to be on the rise" I told my husband. Same with domestic violence. What must it be like to have to be told to stay safe at home when home is more like a prison for some people?</div>
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Last week I finished up a course of immunosuppressant medication to treat an autoimmune flare-up because apparently when I don't admit that I might be experiencing some stress my body is sure to tell me. I worry about people with underlying medical conditions and those who are more vulnerable, including my elderly parents and my in-laws in their locked down Assisted Living Center. I feel like my own immediate family and the members under my own roof are the only ones that I really have any semblance of partial control over. In addition to the anxiety and uncertainty surrounding COVID-19, members of my household and residents of my state have also been dealing with the aftershocks from a recent earthquake (which isn't a usual occurrence since this isn't California!) </div>
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All I can do is focus on what things I have control over and which blessings I can be grateful for. Some days I do better than others. It's just a fact that some days are going to be easier than others and I need to cut myself some slack on the days when I don't have the emotional or physical energy or motivation to get out of my pajamas, make three home-cooked meals for my family, find a way to be physically active, and organize every single cupboard or nook and cranny in my house while making sure that my kids complete their schoolwork in addition to keeping up with my own school assignments.</div>
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Some days you just have to let go of unrealistic expectations and come up with ways to go from "awesome" to "not bad" as these inspiring and reassuring lyrics from The Lego Movie 2 reminded me tonight:</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8SmpTmpjX-1JVCMg5ci-TtIIsyrzj9Wiq8fbExpq7qmMJVDwTOQlZ2T6NGawTyDVuxveJv8eETQfEMp9NVSOYbkDXpPKnuH7KVliu3ntFa1DsVAI4lQ6SCVe4trF9m4-rgf-LO80sEYBL/s1600/Lego+Inspiration.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="900" data-original-width="695" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi8SmpTmpjX-1JVCMg5ci-TtIIsyrzj9Wiq8fbExpq7qmMJVDwTOQlZ2T6NGawTyDVuxveJv8eETQfEMp9NVSOYbkDXpPKnuH7KVliu3ntFa1DsVAI4lQ6SCVe4trF9m4-rgf-LO80sEYBL/s640/Lego+Inspiration.jpg" width="494" /></a></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxuGZx3EEZVNhrKegSdrPIVcHxemyrsJePwF149YCyO7kVEpVBTaSN6oGjd1LTrnDrmovXAS_yyiCOjZrQnlf48dNvvHVM8V6yM3rd01AM9rBy2hqJpVEneq2Khz_lKUXLyP_B1TwuOv0a/s1600/Part+2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="899" data-original-width="695" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgxuGZx3EEZVNhrKegSdrPIVcHxemyrsJePwF149YCyO7kVEpVBTaSN6oGjd1LTrnDrmovXAS_yyiCOjZrQnlf48dNvvHVM8V6yM3rd01AM9rBy2hqJpVEneq2Khz_lKUXLyP_B1TwuOv0a/s640/Part+2.jpg" width="494" /></a></div>
<br />Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-84171225671609471912019-12-31T22:59:00.001-08:002020-01-01T18:01:41.151-08:002019 Hiatus & Update<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt;">You might be in your final year of graduate school if. . .</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">You have only written four blog posts IN ONE YEAR!</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Yep, I’m still here.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve just taken a brief hiatus as I focus on balancing my graduate
studies with my family life and working part-time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been made painfully aware that it’s impossible to be “perfect” in all areas
of one’s life- something’s got to give and be put on the back burner.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And this blog has definitely been put on the
back burner over the past couple of years.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The good news is that I am
starting to see the proverbial “Light at the End of the Tunnel” as this Spring
I will be finishing up my graduate studies and required hours of supervised internship
experience to receive my Masters in Social Work.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Eventually,
after 4,000 MORE supervised hours and passing the licensing exam I will be an
LCSW (Licensed Clinical Social Worker).</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>I am
currently working in my second internship placement and I am quite satisfied
with both the population I serve and the work I am involved with.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I felt a loss last year, as well as a bit of
guilt, when we came to the decision to <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2018/11/closing-our-license.html">close our foster care license</a> after 12
years of fostering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Then in 2019 I was
presented with a job opportunity (at my current internship) which seemed to
fill that particular “void” of helping children in the foster care system
without necessarily being a foster parent. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"> At my current practicum placement I not only get to work with children and
adolescents in the foster care system, but with their caseworkers, their foster
parents, their biological parents (in some cases), as well as a few Guardians
ad Liteums and judges on occasion.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>More
specifically, I have been trained to conduct mental health assessments and provide
in-home therapy to these children and their families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>To learn more about the type of modality I’ve
been trained in and use, which is both trauma-informed and attachment-based
refer to <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2019/12/using-attachment-regulation-and.html">this post</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Other modalities I
draw from in my work with clients are Trauma-Focused Cognitive Behavioral
Therapy (TF-CBT) Parent-Child Interaction Therapy (PCIT), and Trust-Based Relational Intervention (TBRI).</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Although I can’t
and won’t give details about my experiences for obvious reasons, I’d like to
provide some general observations (not necessarily in any particular order) of
things I’ve learned over the past year in my therapeutic role to children and
families impacted by being placed in state custody. I feel like I could honestly write an individual post for each one of these observations, but for the sake of space and time these summaries will do for now:</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Caseworkers
have a tough job- witnessing a lot of emotional pain and having high caseloads. It's challenging to work with clients who are court-ordered and don't believe they need any services. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s not surprising that child welfare workers have a heavy
turnover rate.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I
appreciate relatives who are able to step up and open their homes to becoming
Kinship Placements- especially grandmas, who forfeit their role as grandparent
to that of “parent” to their grandchildren in what could be their years of
retirement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In some cases, these
grandmas are the bedrock and/or savior of their family</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Parentification
isn’t just about taking care of younger sibling’s physical needs: (getting them
dressed or to school on time, and making sure they have enough to eat), but
there’s an emotional aspect a well where the child feels responsible for
their parent’s emotional needs.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Regarding
parentification and patterns I’ve seen, many children from early to middle
childhood (grade school) continue to worry about and feel false responsibility
for their parents who are or have been absent from their lives due to substance
abuse struggles and/or mental illness, and readily excuse and overlook any
dysfunction on the part of their parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>However, by the time these same children reach adolescence or young
adulthood they are more prone to be filled with resentment for caring for
younger siblings for so long and/or they become tired of having the roles reversed after constantly worrying about or covering for their parents for so
long.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Attachment
is everything.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Children can become hurt,
broken, and damaged in relationships (especially in family relationships) but healing
can take place with the proper interventions and resources, including supportive
relationships.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">So
many disorders can be preventable because of early traumas and one’s family
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>One semester when I had a class delving
into the DSM, I would find myself immediately jumping ahead to the section of “Risk
Factors” for disorders to find just how many disorders are influenced or precipitated
by neglect and abuse, including Oppositional Defiant Disorder, Conduct
Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, Reactive Attachment Disorder (which is
probably the most obvious) but trauma and stressor-related disorders and Depressive and Anxiety Disorders.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;"><span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I believe
it’s more important to treat a person than a diagnosis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And although diagnoses are helpful in formulating
a Treatment Plan or understanding which symptoms to focus on (and are necessary
for Medicaid reimbursement), a person is much more than their diagnosis.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I
wish Developmental Trauma were an officially recognized DSM-V Disorder because
although it has similarities with other traumas the attachment and trust
component require such specialized care and a unique approach.</span></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It is
essential to understand that someone’s developmental age may be vastly
different than their chronological age.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It was very insightful to me to read a very comprehensive
neuropsychological evaluation of one of my clients from a developmental
psychologist who measured different aspects of one’s IQ.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I realized that I needed to approach this
client in a different way based on his developmental age.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Symptoms
of ADHD and Trauma can look a lot alike.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Sometimes it’s hard to unravel the two- especially if both exist.</span></span></div>
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<i style="font-family: georgia, "times new roman", serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> (I got this graphic off of Pinterest- don't know where exact credit should go)</i></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Just
like “It takes a village to raise a child” , it takes a team to work together
for children in foster care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">I’ve been able
to attend Child and Family Team Meetings in a new role this past year- as a
therapist versus a foster parent- but my observations are the same:</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">There are so many facets of support to a
youth in state custody: physical health, mental health, schooling, other
opportunities- that the more professionals and caregivers can step forward and
come together in behalf of a child, the more hope and resources there are for
the child.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> I was touched to be able to
attend one CFTM where not only the teacher and after-school coordinator of a
client were present, but the principal of the school as well.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">In a different meeting, a Transition to Adult
Living Coordinator was there to help the youth who was preparing to age out of
the system.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">In other meetings nurses are
ready to make sure all appointments or physical concerns are followed through
with.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; text-indent: -0.25in;">I even discovered that my state
has a specific nurse assigned to oversee any youth who are prescribed
psychotropic medications.</span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">School
is children’s work- where they spend most of their day.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Because of that, I’m grateful for
trauma-informed classrooms and sensitive teachers.</span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span>
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<div style="text-align: justify; text-indent: -0.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Because
I’m a social worker, I try to get the “big picture” of what’s going on in a client’s
life: not just their mental health, but their physical health, their social
environment, their school, etc.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Having
said that, I would like to learn to incorporate more physically-based interventions
(besides just deep breathing and meditation- maybe somatic experiencing or sensorimotor techniques) with my clients who have sleep
problems- particularly insomnia, or who have a lot of muscle tension as a
result of past traumas or whatever reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I feel so frustrated for children and adolescents who can’t relax because
muscle aches and insomnia seem like “old person problems”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of these kids have tried melatonin which
may help them get to sleep but they cannot sustain restful sleep.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> And then they're expected to go to work (school) the next day and perform like nothing is wrong!</span></span></span></div>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"></span>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">-<span style="font: 7.0pt "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I use
various assessment measures when conducting Mental Health Assessments with
clients for the first time, but I recently started using the <a href="https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/aces/pdf/vs-1105-aces-H.pdf">ACE</a>s- not necessarily
because it will give me a diagnosis, but because it helps me to gather a more complete
social history of the client.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After one session this
year, I was both amazed and saddened that I came across one client who had an
<a href="https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2015/03/02/387007941/take-the-ace-quiz-and-learn-what-it-does-and-doesnt-mean">ACES score </a>of 9 (out of 10). He had experienced all but one of the adverse childhood
experiences.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> As I was driving home from work that night and the enormity of what my client had been through sunk in with me </span>I wanted to cry.</span></span></div>
<div style="mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; text-indent: -.25in;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> On a more hopeful note, here are some protective factors to help mitigate a high ACES score:</span></span></div>
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<b></b><i></i><u></u><sub></sub><sup></sup><strike></strike>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-14853227120220112022019-12-31T09:13:00.000-08:002020-01-01T10:01:39.731-08:00Using Attachment, Regulation, and Competency Modality with Foster Children<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-indent: .5in;">
<i>This is a summary/review of an assignment I did last semester.</i></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Background:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This year
I am doing my internship with an agency that contracts with DCFS to provide Mental Health Assessments
and Individual and Family Therapy to children and adolescents who are currently
in the foster care system or who have been adopted (in many instances) from
foster care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_Hlk23330847"><o:p></o:p></a></span></div>
<span style="mso-bookmark: _Hlk23330847;"></span>
<br />
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Employees at my work are required to read the book <u>Treating
Traumatic Stress in Children and</u> <u>Adolescents: How to Foster Resilience
and through Attachment, Self-Regulation, and Competency</u> written by two
clinicians, Margaret Blaustein and Kristine Kinniburgh.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Blaustein and Kinniburgh are a clinical
psychologist and a clinical social worker who both specialize in treating
complex childhood trauma and/or in incorporating trauma-informed practices into
a range of settings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These two women
were influenced by the work of Dr. Bessell Van der Kolk, among other
clinicians, who work with clients impacted by trauma and they have developed a specific
treatment framework called the ARC Modality which is used to treat developmental
trauma and accompanying problems in youth.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Before I explain the ARC Modality, I will summarize what <u>Treating
Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents</u> teaches about developmental
trauma and how that fits into my internship:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>The population that I work with would never have come into state custody
in the first place if they hadn’t suffered from abuse, neglect, or
abandonment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although the symptoms and
diagnoses of my clients vary, all of these children are suffering in some
degree from the affects of developmental trauma which can be defined as chronic
trauma caused by a child’s caregivers early in life which greatly affects,
among other areas, their ability to form safe and healthy attachments with
others.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>There are many other traumas
such as a car accident, natural disaster, or sexual assault which can result in
the victim developing acute stress disorder, adjustment disorder, or PTSD.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The difference between a traumatic event such
as a car accident or fire, for example, versus parental neglect and child abuse
is that they are not usually caused by an individual’s caretaker who has the
responsibility to care for them so the child’s ability to trust and form safe
and healthy attachments is greatly impacted, sometimes resulting in attachment
disorders such as Reactive Attachment Disorder or Disinhibited Social
Engagement Disorder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many children
suffering from early trauma at the hands of their caregivers also have trouble
regulating their emotions since so much of their energy and brain is stuck in
“fight, flight, or freeze” mode or they are triggered easily.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">ARC stands for <a href="https://arcframework.org/what-is-arc/arc-adaptations/">Attachment,Regulation, and Competency</a> which are the three different domains of their treatment.
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I develop treatment plans and
therapy goals with my clients at work I am required to use the ARC Modality.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Attachment refers to
being able to connect with people in a safe way which is hard for a lot of kids
if they never had the opportunity for their parents or first families to meet
their needs and model what a healthy, nurturing parent-child securely attached
relationship looks like for them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Regulation
simply refers to not only being able to identify emotions in oneself and others
but being able to express those emotions in healthy ways (not kicking or
hitting other people when you’re angry, etc).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>or, on the other extreme, not ignoring or dissociating from unpleasant
emotions and sensations.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Competency
refers to being able to function executively and follow through with basic
tasks of everyday living.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The majority of my sessions with clients focus on the simple
goal of affect identification and regulation- or simply put, being aware of
one’s emotions and keeping them in check.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>This book not only gives an overview of attachment theory and
developmental trauma, but also contains some assessment questions and suggested
interventions for treating each of the domains in the ARC Modality- Attachment,
Regulation, and Competency.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s been
especially helpful to get ideas for interventions for attachment because I’ve
recently started doing family therapy with a few clients either between parent
and child or siblings together and attachment is almost always primarily what
we work on in those sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
addition, some of the attachment interventions are ones I can use to increase
attunement with my own children in my own home.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">If you currently work with or have an interest in working
with clients or families who have suffered attachment injuries or developmental
trauma I recommend reading the book <u>Treating Traumatic Stress in Children
and</u> <u>Adolescents.</u></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-44529309640256219722019-07-27T14:55:00.001-07:002019-07-27T15:09:28.866-07:00The Child Protection PlanEarlier this year my husband and I had the humbling and
sobering experience of meeting with an attorney to draw up the papers for our
personal Family Trust.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As part of the
process, we had to come up with “nominations” of family members we trusted
enough to become guardians to our children in the case that we both died or
became incapacitated while our children were still minors.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><br />
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<o:p></o:p></div>
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<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
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Part of the paperwork we had to fill out in our Trust included
a document called a “Child Protection Plan” in which we also had to provide
information for any possible future guardians of our children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The name alone of the document, “Child
Protection Plan”, sounded like some sort of form a child welfare worker would
fill out, but rather than being filled out by a social worker, it was filled out
by two parents concerned for the welfare of their children’s futures.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Some of the questions on the document we had
to answer were:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“What values do you
want instilled into your children?”<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“What special
holidays or observances would you like them to participate in?<o:p></o:p></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“How would you like
your children to be disciplined</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>(I had
a whole list of books & theories for this question when, perhaps, the words
“lovingly” and “just” would suffice.)<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“What community or
extracurricular activities would you like your children to b</b><b>e involved in?”</b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">“What people do you
want to be a part of your child’s life?”</b><i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><br /></b></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was a bit overwhelming to answer these questions because it
really hit home what an enormous responsibility and commitment parenting
is.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My husband and I found ourselves
exploring topics such as <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“How are we
doing raising our children?” </i>and<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">
“What kind of legacy do we want to leave for our children after we’re
gone?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It was also very depressing to think about not being able to
be there for our kids when they need us the most.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I automatically equated the way I was feeling
to how an expectant parent or birth parent might feel when choosing to make an
adoption plan for their child and trying to decide what kind of a family or
person to entrust with the sacred responsibility of raising their child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>What an incredible sense of loss and a huge
relinquishment of control!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I saw the following
quote last year and it helped me to get a glimpse of what it might be like to
be a birth parent:<o:p></o:p></div>
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<br /></div>
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<br /></div>
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I also thought of what it would be like to be a parent whose
children are taken into state custody: <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Who
would I want my child placed with?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Do I
even have a say in the matter? <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i>Or, I
imagined<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"> </i>what it would be like to be an
unwed mother in the “olden days” of unethical and unregulated adoption
practices who had their child taken from them against their will (I’m knocking
on wood that most of those horror stories were in the past and don’t currently
exist). <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In either case, I would be in a
state of utmost panic for the sake of my child:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Would my child’s new caregivers be able to give them the care they need?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If they have children, will they treat my child
as well as they treat their own children?<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Whether you are a birth parent/first parent reading this who
grieves for the child you brought into this world but whom you aren’t raising,
or perhaps you had your children taken away from you and placed in foster care or
have had to, by necessity, have family members step in and raise your children,
and may be shouldering burdens of resentment, guilt, or grief . . . <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think there are some feelings any parent can
relate to- namely, It’s tough- [whether you had a say in where your child ended
up or if it was against your will and personal choice]- not to be able to raise
your children the way you want- or perhaps, by whom you want.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It takes an extreme amount of trust that
there are other people out there who have enough love in their hearts and room
in their homes (and resources- because raising children isn’t cheap!) to commit
to raising a child.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
It is also a helpful reminder to those of us raising children who weren't ours to begin with to be mindful of their first families.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-25226382585666059682019-02-14T11:25:00.004-08:002019-02-14T11:43:24.780-08:00Reflections on Instant Family<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 107%; text-align: justify;">I finally got around to seeing <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt7401588/">Instant Family</a></i> and I thought it was a
good blend of</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 16px; text-align: justify;">accuracy and humor in portraying what foster-adoptive families experience.</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 16px;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Rather than give a complete plot
summary, here are some scenes and themes I’d like to share which stood out to
me in particular, as someone who has fostered and adopted children through the
foster care system:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Fantasy
Children vs. Reality</span></b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">Children-</b>
In a training class prior to becoming licensed foster care providers, members
of the class were asked to do an exercise in which they drew their “fantasy”
children on a chalkboard.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The social workers
teaching the class instructed the foster parents in training to immediately
erase their envisioned fantasy children and to prepare themselves for whatever
comes next. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I think the theme of expectations
versus reality is a universal one that almost anyone can relate to.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes the most difficult thing to do in
life is to let go of our expectations, relinquish any perceived control of how
we think things should turn out and accept- or make the best out of- what
actually comes our way.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">When applying the concept of
control and predictability to fostering, I think many foster families or pre-adoptive
couples may be set on only fostering or adopting children who are a certain age
or gender (Or in the case of the movie’s character October, are looking
specifically for a black, male, athletically inclined child who can get a full
football scholarship, reminiscent of <a href="https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0878804/">The Blindside)</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It can be difficult to
try to broaden preferences at the risk of getting out of one’s comfort zone and
venturing into the unfamiliar.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However,
Pete & Ellie did just that as they inquired about a teenager available for
adoption- something Ellie initially openly verbalized against doing. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Foster
Parents Supporting Each Other- </span></b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The best source of support is
someone who has been through the same thing or been in a similar situation; Therefore,
I think that the best source of support and understanding for foster parents
are <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">other</i> foster parents!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Throughout the movie, Pete &
Ellie meet in an adoption support group with other couples and individuals.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although each couple’s reasons for wanting to
pursue foster adoption was unique: some felt “called”, others were struggling
with infertility, another couple was gay and thus couldn’t procreate, they all
shared the desire to welcome children into their families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was humorous when the gay couple commented
something to the effect of, “We’ve been trying to conceive for years with no
success!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I was particularly touched in one
scene towards the end of the movie as the adoptive families had shared their
personal struggles with each other and got to know each other better, when the gay
couple announced to the group that their upcoming adoption would be official
and the first people to go up and hug them was a conservative Christian couple,
whom at the beginning of the training, showed through their body language,
disapproval or discomfort about the gay couple adopting.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Once we take the time to get to
know each other, it becomes evident that we all have more in common than we
don’t have in common.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">The
Honeymoon Period- </span></b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Speaking of holding on to a sense of “control” or
predictability, I think some parents are under the false impression that if
kids are well-behaved or turn out all right, then it is a direct reflection on
their competency as a parent or caretaker.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Wrong!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Pete & Ellie entered one of
their support meetings with an attitude of “Hey- We have this under control-
the kids aren’t acting out.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Things
aren’t so bad!” and the other more experienced foster parents in the room were
laughing or had smirks on their faces because likely, they had experienced the
phenomenon referred to as “The honeymoon period” in which everything seems
peachy-dandy with a placement.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
reality, however, is that a foster child’s behavior has less to do with
structure and discipline of the home or parenting style, but everything to do
with a mode of survival.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Most people would think ‘It’s
great that these kids aren’t acting out!” and admittedly, that is much easier
than the alternative and it makes for a much more peaceful environment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>But it’s actually when the child starts
acting out that they feel safe enough to do so.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">I recall the shock my husband and
I went through when the honeymoon period ended with our first placement, who
was typically a delightful preschooler.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>When, after about three weeks of being in our home, he started being
less delightful and talking back and complaining, we were worried.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I believe it was another more experienced
foster parent that explained to us, even though it was hard, “That’s actually a
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">good </i>thing- he feels safe enough to
be himself without the fear of any harsh consequences!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKjJ-4afMX5JmehOU00OoBvOIzrJcEbDshl7w-Uhh2g6Ap308Dpmgc1aU8U30CYsA3WnT6VY5IBzaM4-cME_JVCrV44CDrlRq_7L0nx-eDODPVD5iUAasMBbYry6awPo3sNpCr3zTMNxJB/s1600/honeymoom.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="750" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhKjJ-4afMX5JmehOU00OoBvOIzrJcEbDshl7w-Uhh2g6Ap308Dpmgc1aU8U30CYsA3WnT6VY5IBzaM4-cME_JVCrV44CDrlRq_7L0nx-eDODPVD5iUAasMBbYry6awPo3sNpCr3zTMNxJB/s320/honeymoom.jpeg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Parentification-
</span></b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">It
was obvious that Lizzie, the oldest child of the sibling group Pete & Ellie
were fostering, had taken upon herself the role of “parent” to her younger
brother and sister, Juan and Lita.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It
was<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"> </b>interesting to observe the
struggle it was for Lizzie to give up that parenting role and let her foster
parents take over, especially when she knew her siblings better than Pete &
Ellie did.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Equally of interest to
observe was the conflict of loyalty Ellie felt with letting her foster mom be a
“mother” to her without somehow betraying her own mother.<o:p></o:p></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy7MYGGnVcgtWQgZbVOsTzMzhM4WhVftBTi96FTKeSfiG8dlTWe10TJBQMZuzUm8HTVMehX18zAwXRXjJ9CswHIiD5PuOxEq4jqyxM1vZVTUzz5bFZM2k6cnWGK0nhpLt3CD58iMz5vHoq/s1600/dinner.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="450" data-original-width="675" height="266" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhy7MYGGnVcgtWQgZbVOsTzMzhM4WhVftBTi96FTKeSfiG8dlTWe10TJBQMZuzUm8HTVMehX18zAwXRXjJ9CswHIiD5PuOxEq4jqyxM1vZVTUzz5bFZM2k6cnWGK0nhpLt3CD58iMz5vHoq/s400/dinner.jpg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Ongoing
Struggles with Adopted Children-</span></b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"> I was very touched by the guest
speaker the social workers invited to speak at one of the trainings the
adoptive couples went through at the beginning of their training. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Brenda was an articulate and inspiring young
woman who had a history of neglect and abuse, including being traded to her
mom’s drug dealers for drugs, if I remember correctly.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Brenda was accompanied to the
meeting by her adoptive parents and spoke to the class about what it meant to
her to be adopted as a teenager after spending years in foster care.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This young woman was so inspiring and I think
that sometimes adoptive parents are under the impression that ‘There’s nothing
LOVE can’t fix!” and that once a child is adopted it’s going to be the
beginning of happily ever after.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
reality is that adoption does not erase the early experiences and traumas that
a child had been through.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Neither will adoption
erase a child’s genetics or predispositions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Later in the movie when Pete
& Ellie are going through a rough patch with their teenage foster daughter,
Lizzie, they seek out Brenda’s adoptive parents for some hopeful advice and
direction. It was heartbreaking to hear Brenda’s adoptive mom share that her
daughter was back in rehab when Ellie asks where she is. But I loved the mom’s
retort to Ellie’s disappointment (the slap in the face was unexpected and
humorous as well)!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Like a protective and
loving Mama Bear, Brenda’s mom says something to the effect of “But look at
where she came from and how far she’s come!” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A great reminder that unless we’ve been in
someone else’s shoes we have no right to judge.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>It’s also a good reminder that, as I mentioned earlier, no matter how
stellar a parent is, adoption does not erase a child’s predispositions or
former traumas.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This can be particularly
frightening to accept when a baby or child is born addicted or exposed to drugs
as addiction has such a strong genetic component, as well as when there is severe
mental illness on one or both sides of a child’s family lines.<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><o:p></o:p></b></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Conflicting
Feelings About Birthparents- </span></b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">This is such a real struggle for
foster parents!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Honestly, it’s one of
the hardest things, other than the grief of reunifications, that I’ve had to
deal with while fostering.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">At one point in the movie’s storyline,
foster mother Ellie says to her husband, “She looks so normal.” regarding their
foster children’s mother when they meet for a visit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Ellie recognizes that their mom is just that-
a mom who loves her children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Yet it’s
hard to think of someone who would endanger their children as “normal” or sometimes,
even deem them worthy of having a relationship with their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>After all, this woman set the children’s home
on fire from a lit crack pipe!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">But behind someone’s criminal
history or case file is a person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s
harder to judge someone when you look them in the eyes and meet them in person.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also think it was telling that the
children’s biological mother was also a product of the foster care system as
one of the caseworkers remarked, “She never learned how to appropriately care
for her children.”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">In another support group meeting
Rose confesses to feeling guilty for wanting her kid’s biological mother to
fail- especially after all of the work she and her husband have gone through to
care for these children and open up their home to them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I’ve been there and have felt guilty for
thinking the exact same thing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It’s such
a difficult task as a foster parent to recognize that family preservation is
the goal while also noting, “Look at what these kids have been through and look
at the life we could give them!”<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 107%;">Overall, I would highly recommend
the movie <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Instant Family </i>to anyone over
13 (the PG-13 rating was appropriate) and I am grateful that the director chose
to draw on <a href="http://www.instantfamily.org/index.html">his life’s experiences </a>to highlight the crucial, yet often
overlooked issues of fostering and foster care adoption.</span></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-15362585751596912442018-12-19T13:37:00.000-08:002018-12-19T13:46:22.002-08:00ReMoved#3- Love is Never Wasted<div style="text-align: justify;">
<a href="https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCnOzxepUH4ldMdoIgScvcpg">Nathanael Matanick</a> has done it once again! I watched ReMoved 3 yesterday and was particularly impressed with the grief portrayed by the little boy, his mother, and the foster mother.*</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I also appreciated the portrayal of the complexities of differing opinions family members have when considering opening up your home to a foster placement as well as the positive and negative affects a child could have on other children in the home.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
Other observations: 8:10 killed me!<br />
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I remember in one training, our trainer pointed out that even though a child may come to your home in clothes wreaking of smoke or other not-so-pleasant odors and substances, or they may have a tattered blanket or raggedy stuffed animal which they can't seem to part with, it is imperative that foster parents are mindful that these items may be the only "connection" to home that these children may have. Scent, in particular, is very evocative of memories and people. What could be an innocent and well-meaning attempt by a foster parent to simply sanitize an item or piece of clothing could, in reality, "erase" the comfortable and familiar scent a child has of his home and caregivers.</div>
<br />
<iframe allow="accelerometer; autoplay; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/fegRjSgRYXk" width="560"></iframe><br />
<br />
* Skip this next paragraph if you don't want a possible spoiler:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was curious to know just how long this little boy stayed with his foster family. I was totally surprised and touched at 15:40 because I figured the foster mom was a relative rather than a "stranger" who showed she cared.<br />
<br />
The world needs more people who show they care!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-74047784263539783962018-11-19T16:03:00.002-08:002018-12-19T13:52:37.363-08:00Closing Our License/Advice to Those Considering Fostering<span style="text-align: justify;">Back in t<a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2018/09/how-do-you-know-when-youre-done.html">his post</a>, I forgot to mention one MAJOR factor to
consider when deciding whether to foster or continuing to foster or adopt:</span><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="text-align: justify;">The feelings of your spouse on the
matter!</span><span style="text-align: justify;"> </span><span style="text-align: justify;">Of course, if you’re single, no
worries about having to come to a consensus!</span><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Fostering, like any other significant commitment or change,
will definitely add stress to your marriage and affect any children in your
home.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If both spouses are not
unanimously on board, I would recommend waiting until the decision is
unanimous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This, of course, can be
extremely frustrating if one spouse feels Gung-ho about it and the other spouse
or partner is anything less than lukewarm.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Over the past three or four years I’ve talked my husband
into renewing our foster care license for “just one more year”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>When I recently realized that I need more
required training hours to complete in order to renew our license for yet another
year and I asked my husband to accompany me to an upcoming training it led to a
big discussion about the pros and cons of keeping our license open for another
year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Let me explain something about how my husband thinks and
makes major decisions versus how I think, which might help you to understand or
imagine how our discussion went:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>My
husband has always been very methodical and practical.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He carefully weighs the risks and benefits
before becoming to a decision.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>He also
has an MBA, which translates into him viewing things from a cost/benefit
analysis.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even when trying to decide on
a place to go on vacation, he carefully scouts out the best deals and frequently
uses the term “ROI”- which, I have learned, stands for Return On
Investment.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>His thinking is basically motivated by “What
are we going to <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">get </i>out of it?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Is it worth it in the end?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to have my head in the
clouds, but I am a bit more guided by what I feel in my <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">heart </i>and sometimes decisions based on gut feelings can’t be
explained logically- or they just don’t make much sense- at least initially.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I also admit that I have sometimes been
guilty of making decisions based on the premise “What do I have to give?”
rather than “What will I be getting in return?” To me it just comes down to the
whole principle of “Ask not what your country or (fill-in-the blank) can do for
you; Ask what YOU can do for your country (or whatever).” <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although such thinking may be considered by
some to be noble and altruistic, it can also be foolish at times if one is
constantly in a cycle of giving and giving without replenishing the source- and
by source, I mean my own health and sanity and balance, as well as the time and
energy I can devote to my own children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">My advice to those
considering fostering:</b></blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
If you look at being a foster parent from a cost/benefit perspective, I can tell you with much certainty that you will give much more than you get.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If that bothers you, then you may want to
look into another form of service to children and families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>However, if you are willing to sacrifice and
put your own gratification on the back burner, and don’t mind giving more than
getting, then go for it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Please know
that you will have support from others who have walked the same road.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>They can buoy you up on the hard days and listen
to you vent with an empathetic ear because they “get it”- they’ve been there,
too.</blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
I also firmly believe that it is not just okay, but
necessary, to take a break when needed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Don’t
be afraid to take a break through respite care or support from friends when
dealing with particularly demanding or difficult placements.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And absolutely, take time to grieve and heal
after heartbreaking cases of reunification.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Reach out to others who have been there, because it is a loss that not
everyone can understand. </blockquote>
<blockquote class="tr_bq">
Some cynics (or even
yourself) might think, “Well, you signed up to foster- you knew there would be
heartache, what did you expect?”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>That
may be true, but your bravery and willingness to open your heart has blessed a
child or helped give a family a second chance.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>That is not only commendable but courageous.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></blockquote>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
To make a long story short, my husband and I have decided to
close our license of fostering through our state after 12 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was an easy conclusion for my husband to
make, but not necessarily easy for me to accept.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Logically I know that I will have more time
to devote to my children and to my schooling and other endeavors and I won’t
have to go into a full-on adrenaline rush/panic every time I see “DCFS” on my
caller ID, but I also feel like I’m giving up part of my identity and, of
course, I think in the back of my mind and in my heart <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“But what about the children?”<o:p></o:p></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;"><br /></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
In response to that question- which is not necessarily rhetorical,
I have three children in my home who need me now more than any other children
need me at this point in time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And
besides that, it’s not a contest to see how many children one can foster or
adopt or how many years of experience one can accumulate- it’s about helping
one child at a time. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Just think of it:
If even half of the homes who are eligible in the United States would go
through the training and foster <b>just one
child</b>- what a difference it would make in the lives of those children!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Going back to the whole “Return on Investment” concept which
I mentioned at the beginning of this post, even if our family hadn’t been able
to adopt two of our children from foster care, the lessons we’ve learned, lives
touched, and, I think, most importantly, the qualities and character we’ve
developed, have been more than worthwhile.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Yes, I am a bit sad about not renewing our license for yet
another year, but I am also starting to fill at peace about it and even some
relief.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t want to think of it as
cutting all ties to fostering forever, but rather, taking a much-needed break
and a bit of a different path.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
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Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-50580754879923359432018-11-17T21:21:00.000-08:002018-11-18T20:03:48.350-08:00Adoption: Heartbreak and Hope<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
Over the past
year or so I’ve considered myself lucky if I’m able to write even one post a
month on this blog.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Since there’s a few
weeks remaining of November, here is my somewhat obligatory post during National
Adoption Month. <o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
Adoption has undoubtedly
been a huge blessing in my life, but it’s not always necessarily a sunny
subject.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I think the complexity lies
within the fact that I am the beneficiary of somebody else’s grief and
loss.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
I came across
this quote this year and I was impressed with how many big and complicated feelings
of mine it so accurately and succinctly addressed in just one sentence:<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<br /></div>
<o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>Mother’s
Day is a bittersweet day for me for that exact reason- I am vividly reminded
that I am not the only mother my children have and I feel a bit of guilt as
well as awe that I am the mother who gets to raise them.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2016/05/this-mothers-day-part-two.html">Mother’s Day</a> also brings up pangs of sorrow
and memories of the years of alienation of being a childless woman.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Seven years actually goes by fairly quickly
in retrospect, but when you’re in the middle of it, waiting seems like forever.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-tab-count: 1;"> </span>When
I take myself and my feelings out of the equation and consider my children and
their feelings about being adopted and any issues they will deal with
concerning their identity and history, I can’t help but acknowledge that as
loving and stable as our home is, my children lost their first families and are
the only ones in the adoption triad who had absolutely no choice in the matter of
being placed with our family. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I can
only wonder if this will bring up anger, sorrow, or resentment for them in the
future.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
My pre-school
aged daughter (our youngest child) has been bringing up her birth mother quite a
bit this year.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Incidentally, I remember the
pre-school years as being a very pivotal time for our oldest daughter to bring
up questions about babies in tummies in general and specifically about her
adoption and her birth mother.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I know of
an LCSW who has counseled a lot of children currently in foster care or adopted
from foster care and she has observed that other common ages for children to
bring up questions or have issues with their first families and their identities is 9 years old and
14 years old- I thought that was interesting.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
My oldest daughter
expressed sadness and disappointment to me when she was a preschooler, about
<a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2011/11/but-i-wanted-to-grow-in-your-tummy.html">not being able to come from my tummy</a>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> Fast forward six years and I had a deja vu moment when</span> my youngest daughter was playing with her dolls (or doing some activity that made her think of babies) and she commented to me something to the effect of, “Remember when I was in your tummy?” I had to gently remind her that she never came from my tummy. It was
so interesting for me to see two totally different reactions to the same information. Our youngest daughter immediately became angry rather than sorrowful, as our oldest daughter did.<br />
<br />
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">This year my youngest daughter seems to be trying to reconstruct her story- and not always with accuracy. I listened to
her one night recount a short narrative: </span><i style="text-indent: 0.5in;">“My
‘other’ mom was really nice and would always feed me bottles in this house when
she used to live here.”</i><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I had to
bite my tongue and was thinking to myself, “The caseworker would have to prod
your ‘other’ mother to pick up her newborn baby during her supervised visits!” Of course, I didn't say that out loud, but kept my thoughts to myself. Then</span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> I reminded my little girl
that her “other” mother never lived in our house and that I picked her up from
the hospital and brought her home a couple of days after she was born.</span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
It’s hard to
give specific answers to the question of “why?” when my kids ask about why they
don’t live with their first families.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Each situation has different backgrounds but we always make it a point
to let our kids know that even though they are not with their birth mothers,
they are loved by them very much. I want them to
know, more than anything, that their adoptions are in no way equated with
abandonment or rejection, but rather, born of great love.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span><o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
It’s a little
more awkward trying to explain things to my youngest two who are birth
siblings.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I try to be as age-appropriate
as possible and use the word “sick” (as in having an illness) to describe why
their first mother wasn’t able to care for them rather than using the word “addiction”.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As they get older I can give more details as
appropriate.<o:p></o:p></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
My little boy,
now in kindergarten, hasn’t seemed to bring up adoption as much as his sisters
do.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know whether that’s because
he doesn’t think about it as much or just because he doesn’t verbalize it.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I did have an experience with him recently where
I was cuddling with him- at his request- and I couldn’t help but think that we were
making up for lost time bonding with each other since, unlike his sisters, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I missed out on the first year of his
life.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> I honestly don't know the extent to what he went through in his early life. </span>"<i>I wish I could have been there for him from the very beginning."</i> I thought to myself. Although it was a tender moment it
also brought up some disappointment and a little bit of anger inside of me.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Such is adoption- beautiful and miraculous
while heartbreaking at the same time.</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-80516483424617972422018-09-24T20:50:00.000-07:002018-09-24T20:50:34.152-07:00How Do You Know When You're "Done" Fostering?<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">The last week of summer which morphed into the first week of school, we <span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">watched
a six-month-old baby boy in our home for a foster family who went out of
town.</span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> I was actually surprised that our RFC called to ask us about watching a baby because we've gotten rid of most of our baby things and I had to borrow a Pack-N-Play so that the baby would have somewhere to sleep.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">It was a lot of fun for our kids
to have a baby in the house to dote upon, but I'm starting to feel too old for middle of the night teething and feedings and
lugging car seats around. </span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">In fact, when I got information from the baby's foster mom, including visitation times and locations, I realized that I'm literally old enough to be this baby's grandma as his mother is certainly young enough to be my daughter. It's not that I necessarily consider myself to be "old" in my 40's- I'm just not "young" anymore and I think since I have younger children people assume that I'm younger than I am.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> During a middle of the night feeding, I calculated (with the help of this blog) that t</span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">his is the
20</span><sup style="text-indent: 0.5in;">th</sup><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> foster child to come into our home and the 11</span><sup style="text-indent: 0.5in;">th</sup><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> baby. This caused me to do a lot of reflecting and I found myself asking, <b>"Am I done yet?" "Do we keep fostering?"</b> I wasn't sure if I was asking myself or asking God- or perhaps both, but those were the questions on my mind.</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Some additional questions helped me to come up with some answers, or at least to fine-tune how I felt about things:</span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>"What was your purpose or motivation for fostering in the first place?"</b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>"Do you still have room in your home?" </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"> <b>"Do you still have the energy and health?" </b> </span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><b>"Do you still have the same passion for fostering as when you first started?" </b></span></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As for motivation or purpose, some people foster to adopt and others foster simply to foster- because they know there is the need and they want to help children. Both are worthy purposes. In our case, we felt "the call" to open up our home to children not knowing what the end result would be but hoping it might end in adoption. We ending up being able to adopt a sibling group placement after nine years of fostering. And after that miraculous adoption was finalized it was a very tempting possibility for us to say, "Okay- we're done. Someone else can take a turn now." But something kept us from closing our license. Maybe it's just because when you've done something for so long it becomes a part of you or maybe it's because we know all too well that there is a shortage of good foster homes. </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">As for the answers to the other questions: "Do you still have the room?" Some families may have the desire to foster or to keep fostering but they can't because there literally isn't room- they are filled to capacity for their license or they don't have the space for a child. As for our home, it might be a little crowded but we can make room for one or maybe two more children. "Do you still have the energy and health and motivation?" Hmmm- that's debatable and not anything necessarily new to consider as both my physical health and motivation wax and wane. I think at this point in time my biggest concern is <b>"How will bringing more children into our home affect the children already in my home?"</b> </span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">I think, for the most part, having other children come into our come has been an enriching experience for my children. But I also know that I need to meet my own children's needs before I meet the needs of any other children- that's where my first responsibility lies. And even though I have "just" three kids (because I'm aware there are much larger families out there!) giving each of them the individualized attention they need and chauffeuring them to lessons and practices and appointments keeps us busy enough.</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;"><br /></span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">Unfortunately, I still don't have a definite answer to the question of <b>"Am I done yet?"</b> <b>"Do we keep fostering?"</b> but we did decide after our last respite placement that we will no longer be fostering babies. </span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif;">If we do decide to keep our license open for
another year we will be focusing on older children (at least school-aged) or
respite placements. In the meantime, I'll be focusing my efforts on our three children and graduate school and my internship and trying to find some occasional time to volunteer in my children's classrooms. I think that's plenty to keep me busy for n</span>ow. </span></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-41943374190080712272018-06-22T15:42:00.002-07:002018-06-22T20:02:03.595-07:00Reuniting Families and Fostering Immigrant Children<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;">I expressed my concerns over migrant children being separated from their parents at the U.S. border in <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2018/06/suffer-children-to-come-unto-me-unless.html">my last post</a>, but I guess I'm not done because I have a few more concerns:</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: black;"><br /></span></b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<b><span style="color: black;">Concern #1: </span></b><b style="text-indent: 0.5in;">How are all of the children who
have been separated from their parents going to be reunited with them?</b></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;"><br />
June 20th's <a href="https://www.whitehouse.gov/presidential-actions/affording-congress-opportunity-address-family-separation/">Executive Order</a> will put a stop to separating families at the border but how will
all of the families who have been separated be "<a href="https://www.socialworkers.org/News/News-Releases/ID/1665/NASW-takes-issues-with-President-Trumps-Immigration-Executive-Order-demands-more-coherent-humane-policy">put back together</a>"? It is my understanding that the U.S. government does not have any concrete plans to reunite these families. However, I was pleased to learn that some businesses are taking a stand to prevent further separations:</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;">-United Airlines, American Airlines, and Frontier Airlines are refusing to transport babies and children ripped from their parents; you can read about it <a href="https://www.usatoday.com/story/news/2018/06/20/airlines-refuse-fly-immigrant-children-separated-parents/718654002/">HERE</a></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;">And one business, My Heritage, is providing <a href="https://apnews.com/884d85d520054b94b4d2e79a11b7bb9a">free DNA tests to help reunite separated migrant children with their parents</a>.</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;"><br /></span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
<span style="color: black;">It's refreshing to hear about businesses, <a href="https://help.rescue.org/donate/help-separated-children?ms=fb_ppc_asylum_aid_es_180620&initialms=fb_ppc_asylum_aid_es_180620&utm_medium=display&utm_source=facebook&utm_campaign=asylum&utm_content=separated_families#webform-component-donation">organizations</a>, and people making proactive efforts to reunite families, especially when there is so much heartache and debate surrounding this issue. Maybe I need to take a break from watching the news or getting on social media- which leads me to my next concern:</span></div>
<div style="margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin: 0in; text-align: justify; text-indent: .5in;">
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<span style="color: black;"><b>Concern #2- Can we please stop politicizing children and come together regardless of our political party affiliation or loyalties and seek solutions for these children?</b> </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">I see the wisdom in Governor John Kasish's recent statement when he said, "This is a humanitarian crisis, so <u>let's put politics aside, bring everyone to the table, and craft a real way forward.</u>"</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD1aQt3Mh0aRwsajhyln9h75BUuCzhqhQPfS9sfmSAq2zRoJiWfGgUyFLBdlTh0-y_DVpyJ8I5901L-qxRgD_3fP6kyCF48a0bP6DmJZsMwbLlEDaBZHW0TYmAoIFAPVOUxoLCKCq5PurK/s1600/file+%25282%2529.jpeg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="360" data-original-width="750" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiD1aQt3Mh0aRwsajhyln9h75BUuCzhqhQPfS9sfmSAq2zRoJiWfGgUyFLBdlTh0-y_DVpyJ8I5901L-qxRgD_3fP6kyCF48a0bP6DmJZsMwbLlEDaBZHW0TYmAoIFAPVOUxoLCKCq5PurK/s400/file+%25282%2529.jpeg" width="400" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: black;">I am not only concerned, but disturbed when people are more concerned about proving which administration's policy "created" the problem in the first place, rather than coming together to create solutions for these displaced children. I think a good question for anybody who feels passionately about this crisis, including myself, should ask themselves is, <b>"Where is my passion/anger/outrage coming from? <i> Am I more concerned about proving that I'm "right" or am I actively seeking solutions for displaced children or secure borders? </i>(or whatever your biggest personal concern happens to be.) </b></span></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Perhaps I'm too idealistic or moderate, but I, for one, don't believe it's simply a dichotomy of "safe borders" versus "humane treatment for immigrants". Both are valid concerns and not mutually exclusive. Historically, administrations from both major U.S. political parties have enacted legislation to solve these problems. Sometimes the legislation has been effective and other times it has created unintended consequences and more problems.</span></div>
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Some examples of major immigration legislation include the <a href="https://www.humanrightsfirst.org/resource/flores-settlement-brief-history-and-next-steps">Flores Settlement Law</a>, signed by Bill Clinton in 1997, which required unaccompanied minors who arrive in the U.S. to be released to their parents, a legal guardian, or an adult relative. If there are no relatives available then a government agency appoints an appropriate adult to look after the child. Although that particular legislation related to unaccompanied minors (versus minors traveling with family) such legislation focused on "family first".</div>
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In 2008 George Bush signed an anti-trafficking statute, <a href="https://www.state.gov/j/tip/laws/113178.htm">The William Wilberforce Trafficking Victims Protection</a>, which required unaccompanied minors to be transferred out of immigration centers within 72 hours. The purpose of this bill was to protect immigrant children being brought over to the United States by sex traffickers and to provide such children a full immigration hearing (to decide if the child qualified for asylum or not). As worthy and needful as this legislation was, it actually backfired and caused an increase in unaccompanied immigrant children from Central America (notably Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador where poverty and gang violence and crime are rampant). This is because immigration cases are so backlogged that it could take years for a case to be heard. In the meantime, these minors would be in limbo in the U.S. </div>
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Fast forward to 2014 when Barack Obama tried to keep families together who crossed the border illegally into special "family detention centers". This was a worthwhile goal but the unintended consequence was that it violated the policy of keeping children out of jail-like settings (even if they are with their parents). A federal judge made the ruling and as a consequence, families were released into the United States pending notification of their immigration hearings. This began the immigration policy sometimes referred to as "Catch and Release."</div>
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I use these examples to show that if one asks the question "Whose fault is this- the Republicans or the Democrats?" you will not get a simple answer. It's much more multi-faceted. Both parties, under different administrations, have tried their best to deal with immigration and detention issues. My hope is that policy makers can look into bipartisan and evidence-based practices in an attempt to discover what has worked and what has backfired and what policies or legislation will cause the least harm to children and families.</div>
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<span style="color: black;"><b>Concern #3- Reunification of displaced children and their families should take priority over adoption.</b></span></div>
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The catchphrase and hashtag for advocates of not separating families at the U.S border is "Families Belong Together."</div>
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<span style="color: black;">I am pro-family reunification IF it is in the child's best interest. I am also pro-adoption provided it is done ethically.*</span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;">I've</span><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> heard comments and concerns from those both within and outside of the foster and adoption community about how to go about fostering or possibly adopting an undocumented child (with parents or unaccompanied). I have inserted myself into at least one of these conversations with the same information I shared <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2017/04/adoption-mommy-wars-international-vs.html">back in this post</a>:</span><br />
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Which leads me to the question of: <b style="text-indent: 0.5in;">What happens to children who are separated from their families at the border?</b></div>
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If I'm understanding the process correctly, These children are placed into the custody of the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) who then turns them over to their <a href="https://www.acf.hhs.gov/orr/programs/ucs">Office of Refugee Resettlement</a> whose job is to place " unaccompanied alien children" in the "least restrictive setting that is in the best interests of the child." while the<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"> parents of the children await prosecution of federal misdemeanor charges or until they can be united with a relative or placed in a foster home. ORR has shelters throughout the United States which are run by non-profit organizations. </span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"> Each state has different ways of handling things but in my state the largest agency which places refugee children into foster care does so only after an extensive search for relatives has taken place- which could take years. Because of this, most of the children available for placement are older rather than the babies and toddlers currently detained in "<a href="https://apnews.com/dc0c9a5134d14862ba7c7ad9a811160e">Tender Age Shelters</a>"</span></div>
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<span style="color: black;"> I'm aware of other agencies in states like Michigan, Texas, and California who place children in more of an emergency foster placement until family can be located. And for any who are looking into fostering an unaccompanied alien child <i>(I'm not a fan of the term "alien" but that's the legal term), </i>here is a snippet of <a href="https://www.acf.hhs.gov/orr/unaccompanied-children-frequently-asked-questions">FAQ page from ORR</a>:</span><br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMnOpcyjiI4qxdTnZ2u55LCXoYDSpSqJNg859Z8AEalfzADPxZrY8-PhNOaD1uR9-cROs-RgIM_W4wPC-wluk5NvR_gRTRFVFxdX2uNjxYIEPcO7Z1YTmkq5oKDsWJdSjZVBz3QRJjq51W/s1600/orr.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="969" data-original-width="750" height="640" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMnOpcyjiI4qxdTnZ2u55LCXoYDSpSqJNg859Z8AEalfzADPxZrY8-PhNOaD1uR9-cROs-RgIM_W4wPC-wluk5NvR_gRTRFVFxdX2uNjxYIEPcO7Z1YTmkq5oKDsWJdSjZVBz3QRJjq51W/s640/orr.png" width="494" /></a></div>
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<span style="color: black;">Concerning ethical adoption practices and displaced children, I couldn't agree more with this statement made today from Chuck Johnson, CEO of National Council for Adoption, concerning <a href="http://www.adoptioncouncil.org/blog/2018/06/regarding-children-being-held-at-the-border">Children Being Held at the Border</a>:</span><br />
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"Children who are unaccompanied or have been separated from their parents or guardians at the U.S. border are not—nor should they be <em style="box-sizing: border-box;">considered</em>—candidates for adoption by American citizens. This is consistent with National Council For Adoption’s long-held position regarding the adoption of children in times of crisis, such as war, earthquakes, and other catastrophic natural or man-made disasters in which children are separated from their families.</div>
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"Adoption is only a possibility for children for whom parental rights have been terminated or for whom there is clear evidence that they are orphaned. Based on NCFA’s understanding of the status of these 2,000+ children, few, if any, meet these criteria. For those who would be eligible for adoption, there are a number of options that could provide them with permanent, family-based care. NCFA has always supported a continuum of child welfare outcomes that prioritizes (in order) family preservation, adoption by relatives, and domestic adoption in a child’s native country all before intercountry adoption options are considered. It is paramount that the identities of these children be clearly ascertained and who and where their parents are is verified.</div>
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"Our hearts are with these children and we hope that those involved in determining their futures will act with integrity, care, and compassion."</div>
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<span style="color: black;">If YOU have experience advocating for or working with agencies that foster children from other countries please leave a comment or message me so that I can learn more as we seek for solutions for these vulnerable children!</span></div>
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<o:p><span style="font-size: x-small;"> *<i> In the event that anybody wants to leave a nasty comment or send me hate mail, save us both some time and read this first:</i></span></o:p></div>
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<o:p><i><span style="font-size: x-small;"><br /></span></i></o:p></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;"><span style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">I know there are anti-adoption/family preservation AT ALL COSTS critics who could make the argument, "But you've adopted- your kids didn't get to stay with their first families!" To which I would reply, "Yes- I have adopted. The birth mother of our oldest child went through an agency through her own free will and placed her child for adoption because it was important to her that her baby be raised in a family with a mom and a dad (among other things). It was important to us that the agency we went through provided counseling to expectant parents considering adoption both pre- and post-placement. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">Our younger children were adopted through the foster care system after their mother relinquished her parental rights a year and a half after they were placed in our care. During that year in a half they were in our care as foster children we supported the plan for reunification with their family and both biological parents were given more than one chance, with services provided, to get their children returned to their custody.</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: x-small;">In addition to the children we have adopted who are no longer with their first families, we have been a resource to many other families (the majority of our foster children) in caring for their children while they work to get them back.</span></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-36382748115541690502018-06-22T09:17:00.000-07:002018-06-22T17:32:42.704-07:00"Suffer the Children to come unto Me . . . Unless"<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify; text-indent: 0.5in;">
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Some
of the most heartbreaking experiences I have had as a foster parent are trying
to comfort a newly placed foster child in my home as they cry out for their
parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Nighttime is invariably the hardest time and intensifies the anxiety, confusion, grief, and trauma that these children experience
as a result of being separated from their families through no fault of their
own.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">If
the child is old enough to ask <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“Why can’t
I be with my parents?”</i> or <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">“When do I
get to see mommy?”</i> I can usually offer up a sufficient explanation since most of the children get to
see their family at least once a week at supervised visits.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>If the child's parent is in prison or jail or doesn’t show up
to their scheduled visits, then it makes it much harder for me to offer up an explanation or appease the
child.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In the case of babies and
toddlers who aren’t verbal but are obviously distressed, sometimes all I can do
is hold them as they cry, try to provide comfort, and just be with them in their grief.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I’ve
observed that a common justification of Trump’s new Zero Tolerance Policy which
has separated over 2,000 children from their families at the border since May 1, 2018 has been “Parents in the U.S. break the law every day and
they get sent to jail.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Their kids go to
family or are placed in foster care!”<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"></span>I
have issues with this statement for a couple of reasons.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These are my concerns:<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><b>First, seeking asylum is not
breaking the law, </b>under <a href="http://uscode.house.gov/view.xhtml?req=(title:8%20section:1158%20edition:prelim)">8 US 1158 Code</a><b>.<o:p></o:p></b></span></span></div>
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<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>In
order to <a href="https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/refugees-asylum/asylum/obtaining-asylum-united-states">apply for asylum</a> through the United States Citizen and Immigration Services, you have to cross into the U.S. and THEN present yourself
to an authority and start the application process.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Under the new Zero Tolerance Policy* children are separated from their
family as their parents await their asylum hearing.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Do
some people cross our border and falsely apply for asylum even if they don’t meet the
qualifications?<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Certainly, but that’s precisely
what immigration judges and hearings are for.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I
value keeping the law and keeping our borders secure, but under this new policy, </span><u style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">asylum protections no longer exist for individuals fleeing their country <i>(namely women and children)</i> from domestic abuse or rampant gang violence EVEN IF they come to the U.S, at a legal entry point</u><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"> . </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Consider
the words of a friend of a friend who does pro-bono asylum work as an attorney
in Texas:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>“There is not practically a
legal route to come to immigration from many Central and South American
countries.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The wait for unskilled
persons from those countries is over 100 years long in some cases, so there is
not, practically speaking, a way to immigrate legally.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Many of these immigrants being separated from
their children are asylum seekers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The
legal process for seeking asylum in the US is that you show up here and then
you apply, NOT application first and then immigration.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These immigrants are legal asylum seekers and
they are being separated from their children while there asylum applications
are processed, which can take years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>These people’s stories are devastatingly heartbreaking.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Rape.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Murder.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Gang and drug
violence.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>These people are risking
everything to give their children a chance.”<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><b>Second, </b>My rebuttal to the<b> </b></span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">“Parents in the U.S. break the law every day and they get sent to jail.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">Their kids go to family or are sent to foster care!” argument</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"> is <b>"Precisely- their kids go to family or are placed in foster care, they are NOT separated from their parents and sent to detention warehouses or tent cities."</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">As
a foster parent and graduate student of social work, I am much more familiar with U.S. Child
Welfare Policy than U.S. Immigration Law.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>I’ve seen firsthand that even when a child is in a safe and loving foster
home it is still traumatic for them to be separated from their parents.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The abundant research shows that kids do
better psychologically and physically in the least restrictive, most “home-like”
environment rather than an institution (and preferably with kin, if
possible).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><br /></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> As for incarcerated parents,
at least they can be kept abreast of where their children are and how they are
doing. If their child is placed in foster care and not in the care of relatives, they have the resources of caseworkers or legal counsel to give them updates about their children.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Even if they can’t afford a lawyer they can
consult with a public defender about their rights and have due process in court
hearings.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><b style="font-family: "Times New Roman";"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Third, children being separated from their parents under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE is of concern!</span></b></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Whether children are separat</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">ed from their
parents as a result of their parents fleeing the country and seeking asylum or
illegally crossing the border or even being incarcerated or homeless, </span><b style="font-family: Georgia, serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">the
children who are left behind deserve our compassion. Period.</b><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">
</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Just
as no child has a choice as to if they’re born into poverty or wealth, children
are not responsible for the choices their parents make.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Unless it’s not in the best interest of a
child, <u>families deserve to be together</u>.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Foster care is set up to reunify families and
give them another chance to be together.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"><br /></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">As
a foster parent it is not my job to make judgments about the parents of the children
in my care (though it’s been a temptation I've succumbed to at times) but, rather, to love and
care for these children as if they were my own until they can return to the
care of their parents, if possible.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> </span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"><br /></span>
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">When
we got a call about a prospective placement we don’t base our willingness to
care for the child based on if the parents have a clean background- in fact,
the majority of the children who are placed in our home have come into state custody precisely
because their parents need some extra help and resources and they don’t have a
clean criminal record (most often because of drug charges and domestic violence issues).</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">Children need to be cared for and nurtured regardless of their parent’s citizenship status or criminal record.</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> </span><span style="background-color: #eff1f3; color: #1d2129; font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">Jesus
said, <a href="https://www.lds.org/bible-videos/videos/suffer-the-little-children-to-come-unto-me?lang=eng">“Suffer the little children to come to me”</a> </span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">NOT “Suffer the children to
come to me <i>unless </i>their parents have tried to cross the border illegally or </span><i style="font-family: Georgia, serif; text-indent: 0.5in;">only if</i><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"> their parents have documented citizenship or can provide for them or have spotless background checks, etc.”</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; text-indent: 0.5in;"><b>Fourth, when a child is separated from their parents they can suffer both short-term and long-term effects which can alter their brain chemistry and potentially their ability to form healthy attachments later in life.</b></span></div>
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<span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;">I don't have the time here to recount attachment studies or go into the details of how the brain and limbic system respond to trauma, but many parents who have adopted or cared for children coming from "hard places"- environments of abuse and neglect or institutions and orphanages- deal with the very real repercussions sometimes on a daily basis, as do the teachers, social workers, therapists, or medical professionals who work closely with these children and their parents.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif;"> If anybody thinks that separating a child from their parents is "no big deal" because it happens all the time, I think you would feel much differently after doing everything in your power to try and comfort a crying child in the middle of the night when they've been removed from their family. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;">*U.S. IMMIGRATION POLICY BACKGROUND/CLARIFICATION- I am sharing these facts and
sources courtesy of Michelle Martin who is a PhD and policy specialist from Cal State
Fullerton:</span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"> </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10pt; text-indent: 0.5in;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">-The policy to separate parents
and children is new and was instituted on 4/6/2018.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>It was the brainchild of John Kelly and
Stephen Miller to serve as a deterrent for undocumented immigration, approved
by Trump, and adopted by A.G. Sessions.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>Prior administrations detained migrant families, but didn’t have a
practice of forcibly separating parents from their children unless the adults
were deemed unfit.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><span style="background: #eff1f3; color: #365899;"><a href="https://www.justice.gov/opa/press-release/file/1049751/download?utm_medium=email&utm_source" target="_blank">https://www.justice.gov/.../pres.../file/1049751/download...</a></span></span><span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , serif; font-size: 10.0pt; line-height: 107%;">- In 1996, President Clinton passed the <a href="https://www.uscis.gov/sites/default/files/ocomm/ilink/0-0-0-10948.html#0-0-0-322">Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act</a>, which made unauthorized
entry into the US a crime (typically a misdemeanor for first-time offenders)
but under both Republicans and Democrats, these cases were handled through civil
deportation proceedings, NOT criminal proceeding, WHICH DID NOT REQUIRE
SEPARATION.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>And again, even in cases
where detainment was required, FAMILIES WERE ALWAYS KEPT TOGETHER IN FAMILY
RESIDENTIAL CENTERS UNLESS the parents were deemed unfit.</span></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-52685713218766064072018-04-11T10:34:00.000-07:002018-04-12T08:01:30.253-07:00GIVEAWAY: Foster Care- One Dog's Story of Change<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i>*To skip to the Giveaway Scroll to the Bottom*</i><br />
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How many fictional children's books do you know of that address the subject of children being in foster care? There are not many out there, but I would like to introduce you to a wonderful newly published resource:</div>
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<u style="text-align: justify;"><u><a href="http://www.juliacookonline.com/book/foster-care-one-dogs-story-of-change/">Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change</a></u> </u><span style="text-align: justify;">was written by bestselling author <a href="https://ncyi.org/about/julia-cook/">Julia Cook</a> who is not only an author but a counselor as well. Julia's intent in writing </span><u style="text-align: justify;"><a href="http://www.juliacookonline.com/book/foster-care-one-dogs-story-of-change/">Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change</a></u><span style="text-align: justify;"> was to help children in foster care to know that they are not alone. This is a needful objective considering that </span><b style="text-align: justify;">273,539 children entered foster care in 2016</b><span style="text-align: justify;"> according to statistics released from the U.S. Children's Bureau.</span><br />
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<u><a href="http://www.juliacookonline.com/book/foster-care-one-dogs-story-of-change/">Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change</a></u> explores the ambivalent feelings of children in foster care, although technically the children are not humans but animals. The illustrations for this book, courtesy<a href="https://www.marcelacalderon.com/bio"> Marcela Calderon</a>, are darling! Of course, I may be somewhat biased because I once had a pug and the main character of the book, a little dog named Foster, happens to be a pug.</div>
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One of the most touching parts of the books to me was when, after a caseworker removes one of the animal characters, Zeke, from his home to a safe house she introduces him to her "many friends", including a social worker, a counselor, an attorney, and a doctor who are all work together on the same team- "Team Zeke". </div>
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Zeke describes his caseworker's explanation of "Team Zeke" this way:<b> "She said they all wanted to help me bring my family together again." </b> I appreciated that description of foster care because it is truly a collaboration of professionals and volunteer foster parents and others who come together for the sake of a child. Foster care, of course, is a complex process because although the goal is to keep families together, that is not always the outcome.</div>
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The strength of this book is that it is centered on the child in foster care and helps them to understand that <u>whatever they are feeling throughout the process: anger, fear, guilt, or sadness- it's okay</u>. Furthermore, the characters in this book- children living in the same foster home headed by the loving yet fair Miss Beulah, are the greatest supports to each other. </div>
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<u><a href="http://www.juliacookonline.com/book/foster-care-one-dogs-story-of-change/">Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change</a></u> is not only an excellent resource for children in foster care, but for other children to understand what it might be like to be in foster care. My children who were adopted from foster care don't remember much about being in foster care since they were so young when they were placed with us but I will definitely read this book with the next child who is placed in our home.</div>
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I asked my 10 year old, who has never been in foster care but who has had many foster siblings over the years, to read this book and tell me what she thought about it. At one point as she was reading she looked over to me with a look of concern on her face and pointed to the picture on the page she was reading and referring to one of the characters explained, "He's been there for two whole years . . . that's why he's crying." </div>
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(Mind you, this particular child can not stand to be away from her parents for more than 2 or 3 days at a time so reading about being separated from family really affected her.)</div>
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When my daughter finished the book I asked her what she thought. These were her words:</div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"It's good. It tells you what foster care would be like- you can feel lots of different things." </span></div>
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I followed up with the question, <i>"How did it make you feel?"</i> and her answers included,</div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"I felt sad for them being away from their parents. I felt like if I were to go into foster care I would know what it feels like." </span></div>
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<a href="http://www.juliacookonline.com/book/foster-care-one-dogs-story-of-change/">Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change</a> reassures children in foster care, helps to build awareness and sympathy in children not in foster care, and also includes some helpful tips for foster parents and educators on the last couple of pages. Some of the most effective, in my opinion, are Co-Parenting Matters, Teamwork Matters, and Reassurance Matters.<br />
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; font-family: inherit;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;">For more information about the book: </span><a href="http://www.fostercarestorybook.com/" rel="noopener noreferrer" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">www.fostercarestorybook.com</a></span></span></div>
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<span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; font-family: inherit;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased;">To purchase the book: </span><a href="https://ncyi.org/product/foster-care/" rel="noopener noreferrer" style="-webkit-font-smoothing: antialiased; border: 0px; font-stretch: inherit; font-style: inherit; font-variant: inherit; font-weight: inherit; line-height: inherit; margin: 0px; padding: 0px; vertical-align: baseline;" target="_blank">https://ncyi.org/product/foster-care/</a></span></span></div>
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I am eager to spread the word about this book and will be giving away two free copies of <u><a href="http://www.juliacookonline.com/book/foster-care-one-dogs-story-of-change/">Foster Care One Dogs Story</a></u> courtesy of <a href="https://ncyi.org/">National Center for Youth Issues</a> to two lucky people.<br />
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<b>Giveaway starts 4/12/18 and ends 4/19/18</b></div>
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<b style="background-color: yellow;"><b style="background-color: yellow;">There are two ways you can enter this giveaway through <a href="https://www.rafflecopter.com/rafl/display/72d4f3a62/?">Rafflecopter</a>:</b></b></div>
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<b style="background-color: yellow;"><b style="background-color: yellow;">1) Leave a comment on this blog post telling me where you're from.</b></b></div>
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<b style="background-color: yellow;">2) Visit Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experience's <a href="https://www.facebook.com/AdoptionFosterCareMyPersonalExperiences/">Facebook Page</a> and tag someone in the comments who would be interested in this book.</b></div>
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That's it! Two possible entries available and the winner will be randomly selected by Rafflecopter and announced on 4/19/18.</div>
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Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com6tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-32626998584840597482018-02-08T13:17:00.002-08:002018-11-17T21:23:08.695-08:00Helping Others Understand Adoption<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have a friend named Judy. Judy is both an adoptive mom and a social worker and I don't think she's even aware of this, but I've heard her say two things regarding adoption that have always stuck with me. I'd like to pass them on in case they're helpful to anybody else. </div>
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The first example:<br />
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Judy recounted how she heard someone once tell her<b> "But I just don't understand how you can love a child if they're not biologically related to you?"</b><br />
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Judy's calm but oh-so-wise response to the woman who expressed this concern was:<br />
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Judy: Do you share your husband's genes?<br />
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Woman: (Somewhat puzzled) Of course not!<br />
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Judy: But do you love your husband?<br />
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Woman: Well, of course!<br />
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Judy: But you don't share any genes with him- how can you love him?<br />
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Woman: Oh . . .<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj45nLkmVEMm1CcvRglEQVF4xzy1LL6EqH2eFoHOHo1PwBZWLSYsd7dtfVPhLndcM6AvPxxSzqb-JwfYd0vyRqQD-xAYXRpdeR1eNFzspB4wq6FnGpinBOaiNjRrJBMcvhGYVwKUibpjb8B/s1600/obvious.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="166" data-original-width="250" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj45nLkmVEMm1CcvRglEQVF4xzy1LL6EqH2eFoHOHo1PwBZWLSYsd7dtfVPhLndcM6AvPxxSzqb-JwfYd0vyRqQD-xAYXRpdeR1eNFzspB4wq6FnGpinBOaiNjRrJBMcvhGYVwKUibpjb8B/s1600/obvious.jpg" /></a></div>
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That simple explanation was enough for this woman to "get it" and understand something she didn't quite relate to previously.</div>
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The second example is not something that Judy actually said but that one of her adopted daughters has told people in response to the question:</div>
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<b>"How long have you known you were adopted?"</b></div>
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Her daughter's similarly rhetorical reply is "How long have you known you were a boy or a girl?" In other words, when something is never questioned or hidden but just explained as an obvious fact, then there is no sudden "A-ha" moment of realization because it's as natural as having a belly button- you don't question how it got there- it's just always been there.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg52yvjX9-KOJYrbq34HZl8Qp_BGjxRLLnhGrAayc7HmGIO24z2uYuFyY85WfuuOtcm6eEAZ6aBTBUpZVfXKGcSssNolIXGyGHZaTdvHd1pBvpZMVGqgtBQPSfa9sY8qwGALh8HmmLLI6Cd/s1600/thumbnail_file-1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="750" data-original-width="747" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg52yvjX9-KOJYrbq34HZl8Qp_BGjxRLLnhGrAayc7HmGIO24z2uYuFyY85WfuuOtcm6eEAZ6aBTBUpZVfXKGcSssNolIXGyGHZaTdvHd1pBvpZMVGqgtBQPSfa9sY8qwGALh8HmmLLI6Cd/s320/thumbnail_file-1.jpg" width="318" /></a></div>
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I share those examples in the hopes that they might be helpful in explaining adoption to others or in reassuring any prospective adoptive parents out there that if you share with your child that they were adopted from the very beginning, it just becomes a part of who they are, which can be beneficial in preventing less identity confusion or resentment from not knowing later on in life.</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-86832229940778715002018-02-08T12:24:00.000-08:002018-02-09T10:25:01.207-08:00Social Work & The "This Is Us" Superbowl Episode<div style="text-align: justify;">
I admittedly only watched about five minutes of the Superbowl this year- but I was glued to my T.V. during the infamous <i>This is Us</i> Superbowl episode and gave strict instructions to any who were within the sound of my voice that there would be NO INTERRUPTIONS while I watched. It was an intense episode, to say the least.</div>
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One of my first reactions upon seeing Rebecca receive the news of Jack's death in the hospital was: "Where's the hospital social worker? Someone get her a hospital social worker to talk to- STAT!" (Beginning next fall I will be getting my practicum hours in a hospital setting- so, there's my plug for medical social work.)</div>
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My absolute favorite scene and new development was when Randall was talking to a distraught Tess. He asked her how she felt about fostering and the way the writers presented things I thought for sure the Pearsons would be getting the little boy shown at the beginning of the episode<i> </i>as a new foster placement (and I believe there was a hint of him in a previous episode as well). But they didn't because, come to find out, Deja was back and TESS was the little boy's social worker in the future. <b>She ends up working with foster children- how cool is that?!</b> </div>
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The fact that they showed Randall as an old man made me wonder, "Will there be a <i>This Is Us</i> spin-off in the future- for the next generation- or will it continue to have multiple seasons?"</div>
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Here's the clip which warmed my heart:</div>
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<iframe allow="autoplay; encrypted-media" allowfullscreen="" frameborder="0" height="315" src="https://www.youtube.com/embed/4CV5NsjhZ_E" width="480"></iframe>Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-29505296427940145992018-01-24T13:04:00.000-08:002018-08-09T07:57:03.700-07:00Relicensing<div style="text-align: justify;">
Tomorrow our licensor is coming to do a walk-through inspection of our home as we have decided to renew our foster care license for another year. It's funny because when we first started fostering we would cross our fingers to get placements where there was a high likelihood of us adopting them, but now, twelve years later, and with three permanent children to call our own in our home, our preferences have changed. I think this is the first year where we've told our licensor and RFC that we are interested in fostering but not necessarily adopting.</div>
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The first obvious consideration in deciding whether to open up our home to more foster children or not is physical space. Our family is growing and kids take up space-especially as they grow! We currently have room for two more children in our home & cars but we're starting to feel a little cramped.</div>
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Another important consideration in taking a placement is what ages would work with the kids in your home. At this point in time my husband and I both feel more comfortable with not disrupting the birth order of our children. Because of that, we prefer children no younger than our youngest and no older than our oldest. I miss caring for babies and toddlers even though they are a LOT of physical work. However, one advantage of fostering babies and younger children is that cribs and toddler beds take up a lot less space in rooms than "big boy" or "big girl" regular beds. I think I might actually cry when we get rid of the last spare toddler bed in our home. </div>
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I have also recently learned that beginning next fall I will be working twice a week to get hours for my CSW license. This has necessitated arranging day care for our two youngest children when I'm not at home- something I've never had to do before as I've been able to stay at home during the day.<br />
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Because of this new development, I think it would be best to take foster children who are at least in 1st grade. Although it's not impossible to be a foster parent who works full-time I think it would be difficult to do so, especially with younger children, because foster parents have to foot the bill for their day care (at least in my state). Besides that, the time needed to take kids to weekly visits with their bio family and court hearings and lots and lots of doctors appointments or other appointments if they have special needs or need therapy or early interventions.- can really add up.<br />
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Case in point: I was going through some old papers and forms of Jack and Jill's (my two youngest children who were adopted from foster care after being in our home for over a year) and I calculated that in between the both of them <u>I took them to 26 medical appointments- including early intervention/speech therapy- during the 16 months that they were in our care before being adopted</u>- including at least one trip to the E.R. and a hospital stay at a children's hospital. <u>Those appointments did <i>not</i> include weekly visits with their birth family, team meetings, or court hearings</u>. It would be very difficult to arrange time off of one's work to attend all those appointments, visits, and meetings. I was able to do it because I was a stay at home mom at the time.</div>
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Honestly, as I've remembered how time consuming weekly visits and regular check-ups are for children in foster care I start to get a little discouraged about taking any more placements. Isn't our family busy enough with appointments of our own?! </div>
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I know that for a lot of people the biggest fear they have about fostering is reunification and while that can be a very painful process, lately I've found myself having much more pragmatic concerns. As we've debated whether or not to continue fostering I have found myself worrying more about the sheer physical time and energy it takes to transport a child to appointments and visits and court hearings. We've already dealt with the pain of saying goodbye to foster placements before- some cases are much harder than others- but at this point any reluctance I have to taking any more foster children in our home is simply the devotion (time, energy, and love) it takes to be a foster parent and to advocate for a child.</div>
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We got a call earlier this month about a little boy the same age as our little boy who needed to be placed. The story of how he came into care is one that left me shaking my head and thinking, <b>"Its just not fair what some kids have to deal with in life."</b> After getting more info on his case and realizing that his placement might be more of a temporary than permanent situation as kin were in the process of being tracked down, my children and I were allowed to visit this little boy at the temporary shelter he was staying at for the purpose of seeing if he would be a good fit with our kids and into our family.</div>
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Unfortunately, it became very evident at the visit that this little boy was overwhelmed and resistant to "coming home" with our family. [Even though the transitional worker made it very clear to him that we weren't there to "take" him but just wanted to come and hang out for a bit]. Perhaps if I were by myself without my kids this little boy would have felt more comfortable- or maybe not. Whatever his reasons, this innocent little child had already been passed around and suffered too much disruption since initially being placed into foster care a few short weeks ago. Although we were willing to take him into our home, the team of case workers and other staff felt it would be best, given his response to meeting us, if he could go to a home where he could receive more individualized attention (perhaps less children in the home) as well as a home which would be open to adopting him in the case that a placement with kin didn't work out.</div>
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I hope that little boy gets placed in a home where he can get the care he so badly needs. In the meantime, it inspired me to be a little more nurturing and attentive to my own children.</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-26995700981268436982017-12-06T12:42:00.000-08:002018-02-09T10:35:34.123-08:00Open Adoption as a Protective Factor for Adoptees<div class="MsoNormal" style="line-height: 200%; margin-bottom: .0001pt; margin-bottom: 0in; text-indent: .5in;">
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><i>Another excerpt from an assignment last semester which applies to adoption: </i></span></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong style="text-indent: 0.5in;"><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;">Competency #2- Critically evaluate the current research
evidence on how adoptive families fare.</span></strong></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">Statistics show (DeAngelis,
1995a)- p. 284, Ashford text, that </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">about 25% of
adoptive children, compared with 15% of non-adoptive children, require clinical
intervention for severe behavioral problems</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">.
However, an adoption researcher from Rutgers University who has been studying
adoption for more than 20 years reported that 75-80% of adopted children are
within the “normal” psychological range. <o:p></o:p></span></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">Researchers at
the Search Institute in Minneapolis conducted a study of 181 adopted
adolescents and found that “most of the teens were functioning within the
normal mental health range” and the </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">teens
described themselves as attached to their parents</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">. It
was also found that in the case of open adoptions, </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">adopted
children who maintained contact with their birth mothers weren’t confused about
their parents’ identity</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">- they still view their adoptive mother as their mother and view their
birth mother more as more of an aunt or friend.</span></strong></span></div>
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<strong><i><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How does understanding this competency apply
to my own personal development?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></strong></div>
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<strong><i><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 106%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><br /></span></span></i></strong></div>
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<span style="background: white; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="font-size: 12pt;"> I have three children and all of
them are adopted so I was very interested in this research. I readily admit that I am totally guilty of </span>over-analyzing<span style="font-size: 12pt;"> my children’s mental health [particularly their neurocognitive
development as a result of their in utero development] and
to a lesser degree, their physical health, and wondering, “How much of this is
due to genetics and how much is due to their environment?” I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to
stop speculating about the “why’s” but focus my energy on seeking the earliest
possible professional interventions, if necessary, and advocating for any special needs they
might have.<o:p></o:p></span></span></span></div>
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<strong><i><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How does understanding this competency apply
to social work practice in general?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">Adopted children are most often referred to for clinical treatment for
acting out & aggression at about </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">5-7 years of
age</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"> because </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">this is an
age where they are beginning to understand that they’ve lost their birth family. </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">It’s imperative for social workers to
understand that no matter how awesome an adopted child’s adoptive family is,</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"> adoptees
will have to sort through issues of grief and loss. </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">David Brodkinsky, the adoption researcher
from Rutgers I mentioned earlier, found that the coping styles of adoptive
families affected the experiences of their adopted children</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">: those
whose families engaged in an assistance-seeking style of coping did much better
than those with an avoidant style of coping.
</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">This knowledge
is very helpful so that social workers can aid in helping adoptive families model
affective ways to process grief and loss.</span></strong></span></div>
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Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-31091604788656362832017-12-05T07:26:00.001-08:002017-12-05T10:04:00.907-08:00When Children Lose A Caregiver<div style="text-align: justify;">
<i style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">The following is an excerpt from a paper I did a couple of months ago. Because the topic is very pertinent to issues in fostering and adoption and because the assignment specifically asked that I share how the understanding of the concept or theories related to my personal experiences AND since I happen to have a blog called <b><a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/p/about-me.html">Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences</a></b>, I now have new material to share on my neglected blog. How convenient!</i><br />
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<i style="font-family: Georgia, "Times New Roman", serif;">Incidentally, I was delighted to learn about the Skeels study mentioned in the second paragraph* because I was not familiar with it until I had finished my reading. Upon further research, I learned that the women caregivers of the previously neglected infants functioned at the developmental levels of about six or seven years old.</i><br />
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<strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">Competency
#1- Identify and describe how loss of a
caregiver affects a child after he or she has developed an attachment to that caregiver.<o:p></o:p></span></span></strong></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">There were five or six attachment studies cited
in Chapter 6, so I will just pick two of them which explain how the loss of a
caregiver affects a child. In 1980, John Bowlby, the founder of
Attachment Theory, examined adolescents who had spent their infancy and
childhood in institutions or foster care, often with several moves. These adolescents displayed </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">a lack of
empathy and affection for others</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">. Because they were not shown love
consistently as babies, they were unable to model showing love for others. Further research on the subject (Trout,
1995). came to the same conclusion: many children who fail to form attachments
as infants grow up to show </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">lack of empathy</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"> and even </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">delinquent
behavior.</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></strong></span></div>
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<strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">*The good news is
that another study (Skeels, 1936) showed that the effects of early deprivation
and lack of attachment can be reversed with care at a later age. In 1936, two baby girls (13 and 16 months
old) from neglectful families were admitted to an overcrowded Iowa orphanage. Because these babies only functioned at about
the level of a 6 or 7 month old, they were placed in a home for women with
“retardation.” Six months later the baby
girls were lively, alert and functioning on much higher levels than they had
been because the women in the home had provided these girls with plenty of
stimulation and interaction. </span></span></strong><br />
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<strong><i><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">How does understanding this competency apply
to my own personal development?<o:p></o:p></span></span></i></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I’ve been a foster parent for over ten years now and about a third of my
foster children have been babies and toddlers- who seem to be the most vulnerable to the
effects of being separated from their primary caregivers. Even though I’m a very nurturing caregiver
and the babies and children I foster are in a safer environment than they were
before being removed, I obviously worry about how these babies and children are
going to adjust to being removed from, in some instances, the only caretaker
they have ever known, and in a few cases, from moving to another foster home
and being placed with me- a total stranger! Fortunately, babies in foster care get more supervised
weekly visits with their families than older foster children do, so that helps somewhat,
not only for the child but for the child’s birth family as well.<o:p></o:p></span></span></strong></div>
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<strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;">I tend to worry even MORE when these babies or children have been in my
care for 6-11 months, have clearly formed an attachment to me and my family
(referring to me as “mom” in many cases) and then are sent back to live with
their family or relatives whom they may or may not know. How is this separation from me as their
full-time primary caregiver for several months, going to affect them?!<o:p></o:p></span></span></strong></div>
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<a href="https://www.blogger.com/null" name="_Hlk494915412"><strong><i><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><span style="color: black;">How does understanding this competency apply
to social work practice in general?</span><o:p></o:p></span></span></i></strong></a></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">Social workers need to be aware of the <i>reasons</i> behind attachment problems in both young children and
adults. “Research suggests that the
quality of a child’s attachment with a primary caregiver is an excellent
predictor of later functioning (Ciccheti & Wagner, 1990).”- p. 268, Ashford
text. Furthermore, the table in the text
on page 269, “Exhibit 6.8- Assessing attachment problems in young children,”
provides an overview of signs of attachment disorders broken down by behaviors</span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"> which could be a very helpful assessment
tool for social workers in recognizing attachment issues.<o:p></o:p></span></strong></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "georgia" , "times new roman" , serif;"><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;">Research also shows that children who are
separated from primary caregivers but are able to remain with a sibling or
other family member, adapt more easily to the separation. (Bremmer, 1998).-
page 273, Ashford text. This is crucial
for child welfare workers and policy makers to understand so that they can </span></strong><strong><span style="background: white; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 200%;">keep
siblings together as much as possible in foster care and adoption cases.</span></strong></span><strong><span style="background: white; font-family: "calibri" , sans-serif; font-size: 12.0pt; font-weight: normal; line-height: 200%;"><o:p></o:p></span></strong></div>
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Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-11792282244968726472017-11-10T20:42:00.002-08:002017-11-10T21:50:32.524-08:00Problems & Possible Legislative Solutions to the U.S. Foster Care System & Adoptions<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;">The last time I wrote about the Adoption Tax Credit was about <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2012/01/adoption-tax-credit-in-2012-and-beyond.html">five years ago</a>. I will be mentioning it again since last week I got word that the Adoption Tax Credit was at risk of being abolished under the proposed Republican Tax Reform. I was happy to learn (just last night) that because of feedback and advocacy, the credit <a href="https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/blog/2017/11/adoption-tax-credit-preserved-in-the-house-and-senate">will now be staying</a>!</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;">Sometimes as a foster parent I feel like I have very little power in actually implementing real change in the foster care system. After all, I'm not in a position of influence and lasting change often requires funding and legislation. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;">I thought it was timely that last month in one of my graduate Social Work courses I had a short assignment following the completion of reading the textbook chapter on child welfare issues in which I was to answer the question,</span><br />
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<em style="background-color: white; color: #2d3b45; font-family: LatoWeb, "Helvetica Neue", Helvetica, Arial, sans-serif; text-align: start;"><strong>"Identify three problems with the current children, youth, and family service delivery system. What are some possible solutions?"</strong></em><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;"><i>"Just three?"</i> was my first thought. 😜 Before I even started reading my textbook chapter the first thought/pet peeve that came to my mind was: "I hate it when the best interest of children gets overlooked because the rights of bio family takes precedence!" Which got me thinking, <i>"What could change or what has worked in the past to solve this problem?"</i> Enacted time limits for the amount of time children stay in foster care so that they can have permanency is something that has worked- in theory at least.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;">Another possible solution for making sure that the best interest of children in foster care are met could be <b>more involvement on the parts of their guardian ad liteums</b>. In over a decade of fostering I have only had two GALs make home visits on behalf of the children in my care. And I don't think it's that GALs don't <i>want</i> to be involved, but it's probably the same principal with caseworkers: they have <b>too large of a caseload</b> to devote the individual time they would like to each case. That is why I love hearing about CASA volunteers- Court Appointed Special Advocates.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;">Another problem with foster care that came to my mind is simply <b>too few foster homes available</b>. But how does one solve that problem? Awareness can be spread, but fostering is hard and is not for everyone, so I don't think anyone should become a foster parent out of guilt.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12pt; line-height: 106%;">As for adopting from foster care, I know that the affordability is a big incentive and factor for families. This goes back to the Adoption Tax Credit, which I mentioned at the beginning of this post. If a family is going to bring another child into their home (or more than one child at a time in the case of sibling groups) that's KIND OF A BIG DEAL! Especially if there is a high probability that the child will have special needs which can be time-consuming and expensive. I know that when my husband and I were first exploring fostering or adopting from foster care, learning that adoption subsidies could be available and that insurance for the child would be provided through Medicaid came as a relief to us financially- especially when we debated whether or not to accept sibling groups as a foster adopt placement or to inquire on sibling groups who were already legally free for adoption.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;">Those are just a few of my thoughts about changes to the children, youth, and family service delivery system. As for my school assignment, I tended to focus on specific acts of legislation enacted to deal with some of the problems that have and still exist in the foster care system which were specifically mentioned in my text:</span></div>
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Response 3<o:p></o:p></span></b></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Three problems with the
current children, youth, and family service delivery system are: intervention
when it is too late, children aging out of the foster care system with no
permanency, and the overrepresentation of children of color who are placed in
foster care and remain in foster care longer than white children.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Most interventions for
families occur <i>after </i>the problems
have occurred, so the services are residual in nature rather than
preventative. One solution to this is a <b>focus on in-home services </b>which deliver
services to families before children have to be placed in foster care. These services are also much less costly than
have a child in an out-of-home setting. The
good news is that studies show that children who receive in-home services have
lower rates of PTSD symptoms than children placed in substitute care. (Ambrosino, p.348) The bad news is that
research shows that any short-term gains achieved by in-home service don’t
persist over time.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif; font-size: 12.0pt; line-height: 150%;">Each year 20,000 youth
“age out” of foster care when they turn 17 or 18 because they are unable to
return to the care of their parents and are not adopted. Youth who age out of foster care are at a greater
risk for substance abuse problems, homelessness, incarceration, teen pregnancy
and even sex trafficking. One of the
solutions to this problem is <b>child
welfare advocates pushing for the age of when children are forced to leave
foster care from 17 or 18 to 21 years old</b>. In 1986, PL 96-272 established the <b>Independent Living Program</b> which
provided funding for states to strengthen services to youth 16 and older who
either were in or had been in the foster care system. Another specific piece of
legislation which was intended to help youth who leave foster care get extra
support including access to health care, life skills training, housing
assistance, and counseling was the <b>Foster
Care Independence Act</b>, passed in 1999.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
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Because African American children are more likely than white children to
be placed in and remain in foster care, Congress passed the <b>Multiethnic Placement Act</b> in 1994 (Ambrosino,
p. 365) which prevents children from being denied being placed with a foster or
adoptive home solely on the basis of race, color, or national origin of either
the child or the foster adoptive parent.
Other foster and adoption agencies have implemented <b>special outreach programs to African American and Latino communities</b>
in an effort to recruit adoptive parents.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
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<span style="font-family: "times new roman" , serif;"><i>ANY FOSTER PARENTS, SOCIAL WORKERS, CHILD WELFARE ADVOCATES, CASAs, GALs or especially CURRENT OR FORMER FOSTER CHILDREN READING THIS: <u>Is there anything else you would add to the list? What do you see as the biggest problem or problems within the child welfare system? And what are some possible solutions?</u></i></span></div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8925959104562250919.post-505029146972980582017-10-26T02:19:00.005-07:002017-10-26T13:19:20.763-07:00ACEs & The Protective Power of Connection<div style="text-align: justify;">
I have been fascinated with the concept of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) having an impact on physical health since I first heard about the groundbreaking study and acronym at a Child Abuse Prevention Conference I attended years ago.<br />
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Here's an infographic which serves as a good Cliffs Notes Version of ACEs:<br />
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<a href="https://www.rwjf.org/en/library/infographics/the-truth-about-aces.html?cid=xsh_rwjf_ec_00046841"><img border="0" src="https://www.rwjf.org/en/library/infographics/the-truth-about-aces/_jcr_content/infographics/infographics.infographic.img.jpg/1503685540043.jpg" style="max-width: 100%;" /></a>
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<a href="https://www.rwjf.org/en/library/infographics/the-truth-about-aces.html?cid=xsh_rwjf_ec_00046841" style="color: #1190cc; text-decoration: none;">The Truth About ACEs Infographic</a> by RWJF on <a href="https://www.rwjf.org/en.html" style="color: #1190cc; text-decoration: none;">RWJF.org</a></div>
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As equally intriguing to me to learn about the impact of risk outcomes for ACEs, is just how the ACE study came about- so I'll tell you:<br />
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Dr. Vincent Felitti was a medical doctor and chief of Kaiser Permanente's Department of Preventative Medicine in the 80's. Dr. Felitti ran an obesity clinic with the purpose of helping bring about dramatic weight loss without surgery in individuals who were significantly overweight- not just needing to lose 10 or 20 pounds but hundreds of pounds. <i>(On a personal note, the findings in Dr. Felitti's work with his patients is of particular interest to me since I have been both thin and obese throughout my life without any significant attributable physical explanation for my fluctuations in weight, such as a glandular disorder).</i><br />
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What Dr. Felitti found was that although his patients were successful at losing hundreds of pounds of weight with the aid of his methods, many of them would gain an extreme amount of weight back afterwards. Long story short: Upon further investigation and inquiries, Dr. Felitti and his team of researchers discovered that most of his morbidly obese patients had been sexually abused as children.</div>
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After hearing the data Dr. Felitti presented about his obese patients in 1990, another medical doctor and epidemiologist from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) by the name of Robert Anda encouraged Dr. Felitti to start a much larger study researching a more general population. This was the beginning of the ACE Study which included more than 50,000 patients. As a measurement tool, Drs Felitti and Anda spent more than a year developing ten questions for their patients about different categories of adverse childhood experiences such as physical and sexual abuse, physical and emotional neglect, and having parents who were divorced, mentally ill, addicted, or in prison.</div>
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[Any readers interested in discovering your ACEs score can use the <a href="https://acestoohigh.com/got-your-ace-score/">ACES Too High</a> website for a quick assessment.]</div>
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As one might conclude, children in foster care have a much higher rate of ACEs than the general public. In her memoir, <u style="font-family: "times new roman";">Garbage Bag Suitcase</u>, which I reviewed <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2016/04/garbage-bag-suitcase-book-review-and.html">here</a>, <span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 15.4px; text-align: justify;">Shenandoah Chefalo</span><span style="background-color: white; color: #222222; font-family: "georgia" , "utopia" , "palatino linotype" , "palatino" , serif; font-size: 15.4px; text-align: justify;"> brought up </span>ACEs.</div>
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So . . . speaking of ACEs, I saw this Ted Talk a couple of weeks ago (during my night class to be exact) in which a doctor introduces the concept of ACEs to those who may not be familiar with them and I just have to recommend that you take 10 minutes and watch this clip <u>all the way through to the end</u>. I found it to be so inspirational and extremely pertinent to foster parents or ANYONE who works with youth.</div>
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So . . . if research has shown that early secure attachment to caregivers is crucial to preventing addictions and major health problems later in life . . . </div>
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AND if we also recognize the sad fact that many children and youth do not have that kind of crucial connection in their own families to serve as a protective factor, the reassuring news, as illustrated in Dr. Allison Jackson's TED Talk, is that any caring adult can make a huge difference in a child's life- even if they aren't necessarily related by blood. This certainly includes teachers, neighbors, coaches, clergy, social workers, etc. </div>
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I was also reminded as I watched Dr. Jackson's TED Talk that in Heather Spencer's memoir, <u>Ezra and Haddasah</u>, which I reviewed <a href="https://mamamem.blogspot.com/2015/03/book-review-ezra-and-hadassah-part-2.html">here</a>, Heather specifically noted that her level of hope and resiliency in overcoming her traumatic upbringing was greatly impacted by one single adult in her life- namely, her school librarian.</div>
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In his book, <u><a href="https://www.amazon.com/s/?ie=UTF8&keywords=the+body+keeps+the+score&tag=mh0b-20&index=aps&hvadid=2473008633&hvqmt=e&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_4ab92xoj1v_e">The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma</a></u>, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk recalls the first time he heard Dr. Robert Anda presenting the results of the ACE study.</div>
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<span style="font-family: "courier new" , "courier" , monospace;">"The first time I heard Robert Anda present the results of the ACE study, he could not hold back his tears. In his career at the CDC he had previously worked in several major risk areas, including tobacco research and cardiovascular health. But when the ACE study data started to appear on his computer screen, <span style="background-color: yellow;">he realized they had stumbled upon the gravest and most costly public health issue in the United States: <b>child abuse</b>.</span><span style="background-color: white;"> He had calculated that its overall costs exceeded those of cancer or heart disease and that<u> eradicating child abuse in America would reduce the overall rate of depression by more than half, alcoholism by two-thirds, and suicide, IV drug use, and domestic violence by three-quarters. It would also have a dramatic effect on workplace performance and vastly decrease the need for incarceration</u>."</span></span></blockquote>
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Wow, right? I'm not sharing all of this information to be a Debbie Downer or to guilt anyone into going out and fostering five children right this minute. But I do think it's absolutely necessary to understand both the harming and healing power of early relationships.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNO9Q3_svrh1_tzR2UsiLITVrwm7fVOqFVCcjJsgi41aVKhoBTCQBOMYKR07CZSfvO2bq5q9beeJA4NoWTIMr4CHfr_JmI_PzNtxgRVaxDvVjvgFabZwawAlXrMRj_4s4PQfxb-XqPGkYk/s1600/intervention.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" data-original-height="738" data-original-width="746" height="316" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNO9Q3_svrh1_tzR2UsiLITVrwm7fVOqFVCcjJsgi41aVKhoBTCQBOMYKR07CZSfvO2bq5q9beeJA4NoWTIMr4CHfr_JmI_PzNtxgRVaxDvVjvgFabZwawAlXrMRj_4s4PQfxb-XqPGkYk/s320/intervention.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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The hopeful news is that for those who may not have had a stable or loving environment with their parents or other adults in their life or who feel discouraged because their ACEs score is too high, how reassuring to know that you can still BE a loving parent or adult in a child's life.</div>
Maryhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12151910762502998483noreply@blogger.com1