I started writing this yesterday and was able to finish this morning before my first appointment.
There’s been a lot of loss the past couple of days in our
nation and in my heart. Today is 9/11
and there’s a collective grief and outpouring of reverence as we remember the
lives lost and how the world has changed since then. Yesterday there was a political assassination
in my own state, and then just hours later I got word of yet another school
shooting. Such tragedies can serve as a call to action for change and either
bring people together in unity or create more division.
On a personal level, tomorrow is the death anniversary of my
mom. I’ll have time to visit her grave
before I go to work. Hers is a loss I share with my siblings and other family
members, so we can be of support to each other and lean on each other, if
needed.
The past couple of days I’ve been experiencing a loss that
isn’t publicly known. Only my husband
and children, a couple of my siblings, and a trusted church leader are
aware. This one is an ambiguous loss-
because the person who has been “lost”- my oldest adopted daughter- is still
alive- but she has chosen not to physically be in our home anymore.
I’ll back up to how we got to his point. This was my
Facebook status from a couple of years ago:
Over the past couple of years our daughter has had an open
relationship with not only her birth mother, but with birth siblings. She’s been able to meet aunts, uncles, a few
cousins, and grandparents she was previously unaware of. I mention these relationships because 20
years ago when we started our adoption journey the focus in our preparation and
training was on the “adoption triad”- meaning adopted child, birth parents, and
adoptive parents. However, now I prefer
using the more updated and inclusive term “adoption kinship network” because
adoption involves many more people than just parents and child.
Something my daughter never had before opening up the
relationship with her birth family is older sisters, and now she does! How cool
is it that my daughter was able to be one of her half sister’s bridesmaids at
her wedding? How fun for my daughter
that she gets doubly spoiled with gifts and baskets and stockings during Easter
and Christmas?
For the most part, things have been “good” for my daughter
with her open adoption experience, but my husband and I have faced some
challenges. What started out as an invitation
to keep things open with her birth mother has morphed into more of a
coparenting arrangement, not respecting our boundaries, and on more than one
occasion, going behind our backs.
Ideally, a successful open adoption brings to mind words and
concepts like “sharing” “mutual respect” and “multiplication of love” (rather
than something finite that can be divided up into smaller pieces). But without boundaries, open communication,
and mutual respect things can turn into resentment, jealousy, and competition.
I think what’s most surprising to me is that I’m generally a
pretty chill, kind person and I’ve always been good at sharing. But things have transpired over the past year
that have made me realize I’m not as good as “sharing” as I thought- especially
when I feel like my role as a parent is not honored.
I could go into a lot more detail, but this is not the place
to do that. That is what friends or therapy or sisters are for,
right?
This is the text I got a couple of days ago which broke my
heart.
What I thought might be an overnight visit or just a couple
of days is now indefinite. I realized my
daughter’s intentions when she returned to the house with two empty duffel bags
provided by her birth mom.
As I discussed things with Jack and Jill after my oldest daughter packed up more clothes and belongings and left the house, they tried to downplay things, with statements such as “It was bound to
happen sometime.” And “It’s okay- she never spent as much time with us and would
prefer being with her boyfriend, anyway.”
Were they trying to protect their own feelings or were they trying to comfort
and console me in a way?
18 years old but with still a year left of high school and
no drivers license or job is an awkward stage to try to leave home. I say leave
home instead of “run away” because it’s not exactly the same thing. But it does
bring up similar panic and concern in a parent’s heart.
I reminded my daughter that she’s still on our insurance, I
still have to take her to dr’s appointments, and even though she’s 18 years old
my husband and I are the only ones who can legally excuse her absences from
school or check her out of school.
This year a young woman from my state ran away from home-twice- (fortunately she turned herself into a police station the first time) and some of the comments left online were so incredibly judgmental- such as “I wonder what’s going on in that home to make her run away twice!” “It must be her parents fault”, etc.
If you’ve never had a child suffer from mental illness or
trauma (and adoption is trauma since it’s born from loss) then please refrain
from making any judgements.
I know that things could be much more worse. Although my daughter’s birth mom has not yet attempted to communicate with me or respond to my texts, I am in daily contact with my daughter (at least via texting) and I know that she’s safe. She expressed that she will still join us for family celebrations.
But it hurts that she’s not home.
Nobody will be bringing me a casserole or card expressing "I'm sorry for your loss", because the loss is not known to others.
