One Down, Two to Go

 A couple of weeks before school ended I did, in fact, get a call from Jill’s new principal (see this post).  I literally held my breath when he introduced himself and I thought “Now what?”  I was so relieved and pleasantly surprised when he told me the reason for his call was to let me know that Jill’s teacher recognized her for performing better in all three areas of statewide testing than she had the previous year.  This principal is new and although I didn’t realize till halfway through the call that he was on speakerphone with Jill in his office, I did blurt out  “I’m just so relieved because usually when I get a call it’s not to report good news!”

As for Em, she graduated from high school! No, she still doesn’t have her driver’s license or a job, but I am elated that I can at least cross that accomplishment off of my “Parenting To Do” List.

I was a little sad that my parents aren’t alive to see Em graduate, but in addition to our side of the family, her birth mom and birth family showed up to support her on that milestone day of her high school graduation.  I was able to meet Em’s birth aunt for the first time that day as well as Em’s maternal birth grandparents.  Sadly, it was apparent that Em’s birth grandma was in an “altered” state that even Jack commented on afterwards.  When we first met with Em’s birth mom before the adoption was opened up a couple of years ago, Em’s birth mom told us that she didn’t feel comfortable with Em meeting her parents as they both have histories of active substance abuse.  She has since changed her mind and they’ve met a couple of times at public family gatherings.  Em came home after one Christmas party with a couple of gifts they gave her-both reeking of smoke- so I threw the washable gift (a sweater) in the wash as soon as I got it and Em has treasured the other gift  regardless of the lingering smell.

When I met Em’s maternal birth aunt after the graduation ceremony but before we busied ourselves taking pictures, she looked me in the eyes and said, “You’ve done a good job with her.”  She was so sincere as she said it. I was touched and just replied a sincere “Thank you.”

“One Down, Two to Go”- The title of this post has dual meaning: one down, two to go refers to the fact that one of our children has graduated from high school and we have two more yet to graduate.  “One Down, Two to Go” also refers to when I was originally going to post this- when we were one month into summer vacation and had two more months to go.  However, summer is winding down, and school is now less than a month away!  Jack and Jill will be in junior high together next school year and although we have money set aside for Em’s post high-school education she has not yet committed to a specific school or program.  Although we’d prefer her to be working or in school my husband and I are trying our hardest to be encouraging rather than making her feel pressured.  We’ve also decided that she deserves to take a break during the summer so we’re trying really hard to let her have a few months of taking it easy until we increase any expectations of her.

I know I’ve referred to the saying “Comparison is the thief of joy” before and the last couple of months watching some of Em’s friends and schoolmates announce their plans after graduation- some even getting scholarships, I have to remember NOT to compare my kids to other kids, especially keeping in mind that although they may be the same age chronologically, that doesn’t mean they are at the same stage developmentally or that they come from the same backgrounds or have faced the same challenges.

I hate to admit it, but as my children get older I often wonder “How differently would they be if they hadn’t been exposed to drugs in utero?” “What mental illnesses or challenges would they have developed from my husband and I if they were our biological children versus from their actual DNA?”  Of course I would love my children no matter what- but it’s a type of loss I’m willing to acknowledge.  I’m past child-bearing age and old enough to be a grandma now, but I still recognize that although adoption can be a “cure” for childlessness, it is not a cure for some of the stings of infertility.

Reflections on Instant Family

I finally got around to seeing Instant Family and I thought it was a good blend of accuracy and humor in portraying what foster-adoptive families experience.

Rather than give a complete plot summary, here are some scenes and themes I’d like to share which stood out to me in particular, as someone who has fostered and adopted children through the foster care system:

Fantasy Children vs. Reality Children- In a training class prior to becoming licensed foster care providers, members of the class were asked to do an exercise in which they drew their “fantasy” children on a chalkboard.  The social workers teaching the class instructed the foster parents in training to immediately erase their envisioned fantasy children and to prepare themselves for whatever comes next.

I think the theme of expectations versus reality is a universal one that almost anyone can relate to.  Sometimes the most difficult thing to do in life is to let go of our expectations, relinquish any perceived control of how we think things should turn out and accept- or make the best out of- what actually comes our way.

When applying the concept of control and predictability to fostering, I think many foster families or pre-adoptive couples may be set on only fostering or adopting children who are a certain age or gender (Or in the case of the movie’s character October, are looking specifically for a black, male, athletically inclined child who can get a full football scholarship, reminiscent of The Blindside).  It can be difficult to try to broaden preferences at the risk of getting out of one’s comfort zone and venturing into the unfamiliar.  However, Pete & Ellie did just that as they inquired about a teenager available for adoption- something Ellie initially openly verbalized against doing.

Foster Parents Supporting Each Other- The best source of support is someone who has been through the same thing or been in a similar situation; Therefore, I think that the best source of support and understanding for foster parents are other foster parents! 

Throughout the movie, Pete & Ellie meet in an adoption support group with other couples and individuals.  Although each couple’s reasons for wanting to pursue foster adoption was unique: some felt “called”, others were struggling with infertility, another couple was gay and thus couldn’t procreate, they all shared the desire to welcome children into their families.  It was humorous when the gay couple commented something to the effect of, “We’ve been trying to conceive for years with no success!”

I was particularly touched in one scene towards the end of the movie as the adoptive families had shared their personal struggles with each other and got to know each other better, when the gay couple announced to the group that their upcoming adoption would be official and the first people to go up and hug them was a conservative Christian couple, whom at the beginning of the training, showed through their body language, disapproval or discomfort about the gay couple adopting.

Once we take the time to get to know each other, it becomes evident that we all have more in common than we don’t have in common.

The Honeymoon Period- Speaking of holding on to a sense of “control” or predictability, I think some parents are under the false impression that if kids are well-behaved or turn out all right, then it is a direct reflection on their competency as a parent or caretaker.  Wrong! 

Pete & Ellie entered one of their support meetings with an attitude of “Hey- We have this under control- the kids aren’t acting out.  Things aren’t so bad!” and the other more experienced foster parents in the room were laughing or had smirks on their faces because likely, they had experienced the phenomenon referred to as “The honeymoon period” in which everything seems peachy-dandy with a placement.  The reality, however, is that a foster child’s behavior has less to do with structure and discipline of the home or parenting style, but everything to do with a mode of survival. 

Most people would think ‘It’s great that these kids aren’t acting out!” and admittedly, that is much easier than the alternative and it makes for a much more peaceful environment.  But it’s actually when the child starts acting out that they feel safe enough to do so.       

  

I recall the shock my husband and I went through when the honeymoon period ended with our first placement, who was typically a delightful preschooler.  When, after about three weeks of being in our home, he started being less delightful and talking back and complaining, we were worried.  I believe it was another more experienced foster parent that explained to us, even though it was hard, “That’s actually a good thing- he feels safe enough to be himself without the fear of any harsh consequences!”

Parentification- It was obvious that Lizzie, the oldest child of the sibling group Pete & Ellie were fostering, had taken upon herself the role of “parent” to her younger brother and sister, Juan and Lita.  It was interesting to observe the struggle it was for Lizzie to give up that parenting role and let her foster parents take over, especially when she knew her siblings better than Pete & Ellie did.  Equally of interest to observe was the conflict of loyalty Ellie felt with letting her foster mom be a “mother” to her without somehow betraying her own mother.

Ongoing Struggles with Adopted Children- I was very touched by the guest speaker the social workers invited to speak at one of the trainings the adoptive couples went through at the beginning of their training.  Brenda was an articulate and inspiring young woman who had a history of neglect and abuse, including being traded to her mom’s drug dealers for drugs, if I remember correctly. 

Brenda was accompanied to the meeting by her adoptive parents and spoke to the class about what it meant to her to be adopted as a teenager after spending years in foster care.  This young woman was so inspiring and I think that sometimes adoptive parents are under the impression that ‘There’s nothing LOVE can’t fix!” and that once a child is adopted it’s going to be the beginning of happily ever after.  The reality is that adoption does not erase the early experiences and traumas that a child had been through.  Neither will adoption erase a child’s genetics or predispositions. 

Later in the movie when Pete & Ellie are going through a rough patch with their teenage foster daughter, Lizzie, they seek out Brenda’s adoptive parents for some hopeful advice and direction. It was heartbreaking to hear Brenda’s adoptive mom share that her daughter was back in rehab when Ellie asks where she is. But I loved the mom’s retort to Ellie’s disappointment (the slap in the face was unexpected and humorous as well)!  Like a protective and loving Mama Bear, Brenda’s mom says something to the effect of “But look at where she came from and how far she’s come!”  A great reminder that unless we’ve been in someone else’s shoes we have no right to judge.  It’s also a good reminder that, as I mentioned earlier, no matter how stellar a parent is, adoption does not erase a child’s predispositions or former traumas.  This can be particularly frightening to accept when a baby or child is born addicted or exposed to drugs as addiction has such a strong genetic component, as well as when there is severe mental illness on one or both sides of a child’s family lines.

Conflicting Feelings About Birthparents- This is such a real struggle for foster parents!  Honestly, it’s one of the hardest things, other than the grief of reunifications, that I’ve had to deal with while fostering. 

At one point in the movie’s storyline, foster mother Ellie says to her husband, “She looks so normal.” regarding their foster children’s mother when they meet for a visit.  Ellie recognizes that their mom is just that- a mom who loves her children.  Yet it’s hard to think of someone who would endanger their children as “normal” or sometimes, even deem them worthy of having a relationship with their children.  After all, this woman set the children’s home on fire from a lit crack pipe!

But behind someone’s criminal history or case file is a person.  It’s harder to judge someone when you look them in the eyes and meet them in person.  I also think it was telling that the children’s biological mother was also a product of the foster care system as one of the caseworkers remarked, “She never learned how to appropriately care for her children.”

In another support group meeting Rose confesses to feeling guilty for wanting her kid’s biological mother to fail- especially after all of the work she and her husband have gone through to care for these children and open up their home to them.  I’ve been there and have felt guilty for thinking the exact same thing.  It’s such a difficult task as a foster parent to recognize that family preservation is the goal while also noting, “Look at what these kids have been through and look at the life we could give them!”

Overall, I would highly recommend the movie Instant Family to anyone over 13 (the PG-13 rating was appropriate) and I am grateful that the director chose to draw on his life’s experiences to highlight the crucial, yet often overlooked issues of fostering and foster care adoption.

Adoption: Heartbreak and Hope

Over the past year or so I’ve considered myself lucky if I’m able to write even one post a month on this blog.  Since there’s a few weeks remaining of November, here is my somewhat obligatory post during National Adoption Month.

Adoption has undoubtedly been a huge blessing in my life, but it’s not always necessarily a sunny subject.  I think the complexity lies within the fact that I am the beneficiary of somebody else’s grief and loss. 

I came across this quote this year and I was impressed with how many big and complicated feelings of mine it so accurately and succinctly addressed in just one sentence:

                                                  

                Mother’s Day is a bittersweet day for me for that exact reason- I am vividly reminded that I am not the only mother my children have and I feel a bit of guilt as well as awe that I am the mother who gets to raise them.  Mother’s Day also brings up pangs of sorrow and memories of the years of alienation of being a childless woman.  Seven years actually goes by fairly quickly in retrospect, but when you’re in the middle of it, waiting seems like forever.

                When I take myself and my feelings out of the equation and consider my children and their feelings about being adopted and any issues they will deal with concerning their identity and history, I can’t help but acknowledge that as loving and stable as our home is, my children lost their first families and are the only ones in the adoption triad who had absolutely no choice in the matter of being placed with our family.   I can only wonder if this will bring up anger, sorrow, or resentment for them in the future.

My pre-school aged daughter (our youngest child) has been bringing up her birth mother quite a bit this year.  Incidentally, I remember the pre-school years as being a very pivotal time for our oldest daughter to bring up questions about babies in tummies in general and specifically about her adoption and her birth mother.  I know of an LCSW who has counseled a lot of children currently in foster care or adopted from foster care and she has observed that other common ages for children to bring up questions or have issues with their first families and their identities is 9 years old and 14 years old- I thought that was interesting.

My oldest daughter expressed sadness and disappointment to me when she was a preschooler, about not being able to come from my tummy.  Fast forward six years and I had a deja vu moment when my youngest daughter was playing with her dolls (or doing some activity that made her think of babies) and she commented to me something to the effect of, “Remember when I was in your tummy?”  I had to gently remind her that she never came from my tummy.  It was so interesting for me to see two totally different reactions to the same information.  Our youngest daughter immediately became angry rather than sorrowful, as our oldest daughter did.

This year my youngest daughter seems to be trying to reconstruct her story- and not always with accuracy. I listened to her one night recount a short narrative: “My ‘other’ mom was really nice and would always feed me bottles in this house when she used to live here.”  I had to bite my tongue and was thinking to myself, “The caseworker would have to prod your ‘other’ mother to pick up her newborn baby during her supervised visits!”  Of course, I didn't say that out loud, but kept my thoughts to myself.   Then I reminded my little girl that her “other” mother never lived in our house and that I picked her up from the hospital and brought her home a couple of days after she was born.   

It’s hard to give specific answers to the question of “why?” when my kids ask about why they don’t live with their first families.  Each situation has different backgrounds but we always make it a point to let our kids know that even though they are not with their birth mothers, they are loved by them very much.  I want them to know, more than anything, that their adoptions are in no way equated with abandonment or rejection, but rather, born of great love. 

It’s a little more awkward trying to explain things to my youngest two who are birth siblings.  I try to be as age-appropriate as possible and use the word “sick” (as in having an illness) to describe why their first mother wasn’t able to care for them rather than using the word “addiction”.  As they get older I can give more details as appropriate.

My little boy, now in kindergarten, hasn’t seemed to bring up adoption as much as his sisters do.  I don’t know whether that’s because he doesn’t think about it as much or just because he doesn’t verbalize it.  I did have an experience with him recently where I was cuddling with him- at his request- and I couldn’t help but think that we were making up for lost time bonding with each other since, unlike his sisters,  I missed out on the first year of his life.  I honestly don't know the extent to what he went through in his early life. "I wish I could have been there for him from the very beginning." I thought to myself.  Although it was a tender moment it also brought up some disappointment and a little bit of anger inside of me.  Such is adoption- beautiful and miraculous while heartbreaking at the same time.

Grieving My Losses Regarding My Children's Histories

Adoption is a cure for childlessness but it is not a cure for infertility.  I’ve heard this plenty of times but I’ve had some recent experiences where I think- “Okay- I think I understand what that means now.” 

I admit, sometimes I feel guilty for having any “issues” surrounding my own infertility now that I have three beautiful children thanks to adoption, but the fact is, there is grief and loss for everyone involved in adoption including adoptive parents- and those issues come and go.  While I generally put any losses or issues of my children above my own I also know that it is needful for me to address any losses I feel on my part, so allow me to share some of my thoughts:                          

Perhaps the biggest “loss” that I have felt regarding my children is not necessarily that they didn’t come from my womb but in a few cases, that I couldn’t protect them from harmful substances while they were in the womb of their birth mother.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure why a baby would be removed from his or her mother at birth and placed in a foster home so I’ll just leave it at that without going into details.

     Another huge loss I’ve felt:  It makes me sad that I missed out on the first year of my son’s life.  I never got to see him or hold him as a newborn.  Think of all the bonding we could have had!  It makes me upset and out of control that I have no idea how much he had to suffer the first eleven months of his life before he was placed with our family.  I know that his birth parents loved him but his environment was such that he was court-ordered into state custody for his own safety.  Obviously, things weren’t ideal for him but I don’t know the extent of what he had to go through.

     The part that makes me “angry” about the in-utero or early environment of my children is how it will affect their cognitive, emotional, motor- basically any neurological development which, as research has shown, is profoundly affected not only prenatally but during the first three years of life as well.  Does that mean if I had given birth to a child who was, for example, physically deformed or had a disability that I wouldn’t love them?  Of course not!  It’s not that I would ever stop loving any of my children because they are less than perfect but the fact that some of my children’s development may have deficits which could have been totally preventable is the part that makes me angry.

   I’ve noticed some other infertility issues creep up lately as two of my nieces have welcomed baby boys into their families- by birth.  Each of these babies was longed for and celebrated by so many when they finally arrived- and I use the term “finally” because in both cases, they didn’t come easily.  I have been happy to welcome these babies into my extended family, but I’ve got to admit that I forgot just how much celebrating involves not only welcoming another member into a family but celebrating the passing on of genes!  There have been so many comments as my nieces share pictures of their sweet babies about how much their children resemble this family member or that family member.  I’m just as guilty as everyone else in my comments because it’s impossible not to notice “Wow- he’s got so and so’s eyes!” or “He looks like this (or that) side of the family.” 

Does a child have to look like you or even share your DNA to be loved or any more or less of your child?  Of course not- has Tarzan taught us nothing?!  

But I’ve gotta admit- it’s pretty amazing when someone can notice their own physical traits literally passed on and expressed in another human being.  I guess in a nutshell, I am jealous of my niece’s experiences of being able to pass on their genes to their children.  Please don’t take that for granted if you have biological children!

So since I’m on a roll here . . .  As hard as it is to admit as well, I am somewhat jealous of the accolades each of my nieces received from others about enduring such hard pregnancies and/or deliveries for the sake of their children.  I’m willing to admit this and sound insecure at the risk that it might help another infertile or adoptive mom out there to know “I’m not the only one!” I’ve never been able to make that kind of a physical sacrifice for any of my children.  And I’ve never had the opportunity to bond with my children before they were born, as that is a privilege shared between them and their birth mothers. 

NOTE:  I’m fully aware that there may be a birth mother/first mother reading about my thoughts who shares the total opposite perspective: “My son (or daughter’s) adoptive parents are so lucky!  I’m the one who had to suffer through pregnancy and delivery and didn’t have enough time with him and now they’re the ones who get to raise him!”  Which perspective is valid?  Both.  Everybody’s adoption story is a personal one which will vary.

Post-Adopt Challenges

(A continuation from my last post)

Sometimes when you have so much on your mind that you realize you are already at 900+ words, you start a new post as a continuation and the introductory paragraph is the concluding paragraph from your last post:

Dealing with birth parent visits, court hearings, home visits by caseworkers, and extra paperwork at medical and dental appointments are issues that I don’t have to worry about anymore since we adopted our two youngest children from foster care.  But that does not mean that the “work” is done or that the hard parts are completely over.  Rather, I have found that there is a continuation of work and dedication in meeting the needs and issues that my children and I will face.  

We adopted our two youngest children from foster care two years ago- after they had been living in our home as our foster children for over a year and a half.  In the past two years I have discovered at least two major areas of “work” that continue on their behalf and one area of “work” that I have acknowledged in myself:

•     Their relationship, identity, and contact with their Birth parents
•    Seeking Post-Adoption Support and services for new diagnoses
•   Grieving Over/Processing my own Losses regarding their histories.

My Children’s relationship, identity to, and contact with Their Birth parents

Hypothetically speaking, even if a child was adopted at birth and the adoption is closed does that mean that the child will never have questions about or a longing for their birth parents?

Even if a child is “too young” to understand, adoption does that mean that their adoptive parents should not share information with the child about their birth parents and how they joined their family?

I suppose these two questions are rhetorical as well, because in my humble opinion, children deserve to know about their history- from the very beginning- even if there are some not-so-happy elements about it.  With this in mind, I am still learning to navigate exactly how much to share with our youngest two children about their first family and their birth parent's histories.  It’s a little easier to share our oldest daughter’s history with her as her birth mother chose us from the very beginning to be her parents.

In the case of foster adoption, birth families have no choice of who ends up adopting their children (if relatives are not an available option).  In addition, continued contact with birth family is not always in the best interest of the children for safety reasons- hence the reason for removing the child from their first family in the first place.  Such a heartbreaking situation on many levels.

In the case of our youngest children it’s also complicated when one birth parent has chosen to no longer be in their lives and the other birth parent would like a relationship with them but is not always accessible.  On my part I can always send pictures and hope that they are received even if I don't get a response back.

Seeking post-adoption support and services for new diagnoses

I could probably write two or three posts alone on this particular subject.  Instead, let me just pass on a few observations about post-adoption support, particularly in cases of foster adoption:

1) If you have adopted from foster care, you should have a post-adopt worker assigned to you.  If you don’t know who that is, contact the state or agency you went through!  Although I have only spoken with our post-adoption worker once over the phone, I was very impressed with her willingness to help me find the resources I needed.

2) In addition to your post-adoption worker, other foster parents who have adopted are often the best source of support.  Case in point: I had a question/concern about the best ways to get one of my children settled down for sleep at night and to sleep through the night.  Sleep issues are not uncommon for foster parents to deal with but this particular issue was slightly different than other cases I have dealt with (again- I may explore this issue in another post).  I posed a question to a private, online forum of foster parents and I not only got some great advice within a matter of minutes from parents of children with similar backgrounds/diagnoses to my child’s but I felt so VALIDATED in my frustrations about dealing with this particular issue.

 Children are placed into foster care because of abuse and neglect.  Many times this abuse/neglect or domestic violence is amplified by substance abuse problems.  Therefore,

3)  it is VITAL when caring for children in the foster care system to be prepared for issues in the child’s development specific to trauma and exposure to drugs.  I think it is also safe to say (although I can only think of one specific statistic- see graphic below- off the top of my head) that children in foster care are disproportionately at risk as compared to their counterparts not in foster care for mental health diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD, ADHD- and even ODD, RAD, or Sensory Processing Disorder.

     Now here’s the thing about dealing with diagnoses or issues specific to children in foster care: In pre-service training our trainer did a good job of teaching us what kind of behaviors or issues we might expect in the children who came through our home.  However, it’s kind of like when you get a placement or even AFTER an adoption has been finalized, you find yourself dealing with an issue or behavior and you realize, “Okay, they told us this might happen, but what exactly do we do about it now?   What services are available for this child and where can I learn more about how to effectively parent in this situation?”   This is where post-adoption support and reaching out to other foster-adoptive families can be so beneficial!  

For general post-adoption support resources, click below:

http://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/parenting-support/for-adoptive-parents

To search for information from a particular state, click below:

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-assistance/?CWIGFunctionsaction=adoptionByState:main.getAnswersByQuestion&questionID=7

Grieving/Processing My Own Losses Regarding my Children’s Histories

     I've focused this post on meeting the needs of my children and seeking out support, so I will save this last particular issue for a different post.

Don't Take Knowledge of Your DNA for Granted!

From the time she was very little, many people have told me that my oldest daughter shares many of my mannerisms and facial expressions.  Although we do share certain traits or even looks- as parents and children  often do- she doesn't have my hair color or eye color.  She definitely gets those from her birthmother. 

My youngest children happen to both be blonde, blue eyed, and fair-skinned- like me- yet they don't get that from me either.  My little boy not only shares my sensitive skin, but a sometimes overly sensitive and cautious spirit, and a propensity to allergies and autoimmune issues with me.  His little sister, on the other hand, has always been much more carefree and impulsive by nature.  And when I use the term "by nature" I mean it quite literally as I can see much of her birthmother's personality in her: wanting to do whatever is the most fun or adventurous at the moment despite the consequences that follow. 

I was able to get to know the birthmother of my two youngest children over the course of a year and a half when they were in our care as our foster children.  I knew our youngest daughter's medical history from the beginning since we brought her home from the hospital as a newborn.

However, there were some questions about my son's first year of life and medical background to which I didn't have answers.  There have been more than one assessment and a few medical questionnaires/exams for my son where I honestly couldn't answer all the questions on a form or from a health professional, such as "Does this child have a family history of deafness?"  "Was this child full-term gestation at birth?"  "Was the birth vaginal or Casearean?" 

I would have to leave a big question mark for the answer or hesitantly answer, "I . . . don't know." because I honestly didn't know.

In fact, I don't think it was until my son had been living with us for almost a year as our foster child that I was able to learn about his birth history from his birthmother.  Unlike his preemie sister, it turns out that he was born full-term (overdue, technically) and yes, it was a vaginal delivery.  I felt a little intrusive for asking such personal questions but it was a necessity.  You see, when Jack was just a toddler he ended up in the hospital after a couple of visits to the E.R. to be treated for a somewhat rare and potentially serious (but fortunately very treatable) autoimmune disease.  Although Jack's birthmom was always invited, she rarely showed up for his other doctor's appointments and medical check-ups.  However, the gravity of the situation really scared her and she did all in her power to be by her baby's side during his time in the hospital.

The first couple of days that Jack was in the hospital a team of doctors were trying to assess his symptoms and come up with a correct diagnosis.   Something was definitely wrong with him- it was just a matter of finding out what it was so that he could be properly treated and find some relief.

The team of doctors and interns would speculate and debate about a diagnosis: "It could be this, but then again, it could be this."  Nothing could be done but more tests, more observation, and more waiting.  With all the uncertainty it was extremely helpful, and I might add, quite a relief, to have Jack's birth mother and birth grandmother be at the hospital when they could to help fill in the gaps about questions regarding his family medical history since I sure couldn't.  Sure- after working with them for over a year I would have been able to tell the doctors about my foster son's birth parents social histories, mental health histories, heck- even their criminal backgrounds-  but as far as complete family medical histories- which was precisely what was needed at the time- I just. didn't. know.

Knowing your family medical history is not only helpful but can literally be a life-saver in some cases.  Unfortunately, parents with adopted children don't always know their child's family medical history if the adoption is closed and/or if the child's birth parents and relatives are deceased or cannot be contacted. 

One possible solution to such a dilemma is DNA testing.  The technology is WAY above my head and I am baffled about all of the discoveries that can be made about someone simply by analyzing their spit in a little tube!

I loved this clip which I saw just this month:



DNA Testing not only reveals a person's ethnic heritage, but also gives clues to which medical conditions they may have a predisposition towards.  Because I'm not adopted, I have always known my family medical history (or at least been in a position where I can simply ask my mom or dad which diseases or ailments run in our family OR learn that info from another family member).

Consider this example:

"Mary- if you ever find yourself in an emergency room with crippling pain- maybe even so bad you think you might be having a HEART ATTACK- be sure to tell the doctors that you have four sisters and a mom who have all had their gallbladders removed."  

That was my sister's advice to me years ago after undergoing surgery to have her gallbladder removed.   And since my sister is a nurse as well she used the occasion to educate me about the risk factors for gallbladder problems- the Four "F"s: female, forty, fat, and fertile.  I still remain the only one of my mother's daughters who hasn't had to have my gallbladder removed (Knock on Wood).  I joke that it is because, unlike my four sisters, I don't share the risk factor of being fertile.  I guess you could say that is one instance where my infertility has actually worked to my advantage.

Perhaps I will never have gallstones as my mother, sisters, many cousins, and a few nieces have- but it's good to be aware that it runs in my family just in case it does happen.  My mom has always told us that any stomach problems we may have- including gallbladder problems, acid reflux, indigestion, polyps, and, unfortunately, stomach cancer, come from her side of the family.  I have my dad, on the other hand, to blame for my sinus and allergy problems.   Thanks a lot, Dad!  

But it's not just medical conditions or strictly biological traits that I have inherited from my parents. Just as I have blue eyes like my dad I've also inherited his love of books and learning.  Although it's hard to tell if it's a matter of nature or nurture I'd like to think that I get my love of children, the ability to see humor in situations, and the natural ability to make others feel welcome and at ease from my mother.

Aside from knowing one's medical family history discovering one's ETHNICITY and HERITAGE is another miracle of DNA testing.  Both of my parents happen to love family history so I am fortunate to have access to copies of their numerous genealogy charts, family histories, documents and a few pictures which have been passed down through the generations. 

As for my heritage, I have always been particularly proud of my Scottish lineage.  When I hear bagpipes- I kid you not- I feel a physiological change take place inside of me and I'm immediately filled with a sense of both pride and reverence.  I am also proud to be English, Welsh, and Manx.  (And here's a confession in case anyone's not familiar with the term "Manx"- I didn't even know where the Isle of Mann was until my dad taught us about one of our revered forebears and his life's experiences.)

Much of my ancestry is what some might characterize as boringly British (don't get me wrong- I love the British Isles- and am particularly fond of English literature and history, but it just seems like Brits are just so WHITE and un-exotic).  Therefore, I was ECSTATIC to learn through my father's research on his lines, that I have African heritage (albeit South African) and even a very teeny-tiny small percentage of Bengal Indian in me!

I know these parts of my identity and can celebrate them because they've been passed down to me.  But not everyone- whether adopted or not- does know their heritage or ethnicity.  Once again, a solution to this is DNA testing.

Although I've never taken any DNA tests before, I know that Ancestry.com offers DNA testing kits for $99 which is less expensive but perhaps less extensive than DNA testing from 23andme.  I have also heard that Ancestry.com offers half-price specials around the Christmas holidays and have known of more than one adoptive parent who has bought a kit for their child for the sole purpose of discovering their ancestry.

DNA Testing or tracing your family history through research are definitely something to look into for anyone who wants to discover their roots!

This Mother's Day (Part Two)

I had a pretty good Mother's Day this year for the most part but I found that any feelings of gratitude for the blessing of being a mother competed with feelings of sorrow and empathy and even guilt.  

I felt bad for those women who sit with empty arms, such as a niece of mine who is eager to start a family but who has suffered not just one but two miscarriages this year.  I remembered back to the years of Mother's Days when I would sit- yet again- with no child to call my own.  I dreaded going to church on those days because I felt like a failure- I wasn't part of "The Club" and I just sort of wanted to become invisible so as not to call attention to what was lacking in my life.  

On Mother's Day I was also mindful of other women who have lost children, including two of my sisters.  Although my sisters have other {living} children, I know how much their buried children continue to remain a part of their hearts even if they're technically not able to wrap their arms around them or if their departed children can't join their siblings and the rest of the family at the dinner table.

It seems inevitable that children will have to bury their parents someday but the thought of parents burying a child just stings and seems so unfair.

Then there's the feelings of GUILT I felt on Mother's Day.  This is the feeling I struggled with the most. I wanted to ignore these feelings- but I just couldn't.  As an adoptive mother I can't realistically claim that my children are "my own" and that they only belong to me because I share them with their first mothers. I was happy to learn that our oldest daughter's birth mother had a wonderful Mother's Day and that she was celebrated and surrounded by her children and family.  

However, I was saddened to realize that while I get to have my youngest two children in my life and can legally be called their mother they have another mother who has lost her children.  And I use the term "lost" because her decision to relinquish her parental rights was under such different circumstances than our oldest daughter's birthmother who willingly relinquished her parental rights shortly after M. was born.

Especially disheartening is the fact that I recently discovered that Jack and Jill's birth mom would be spending Mother's Day in jail.  So this Mother's Day while I was showered with sloppy kisses and hugs from little arms around my neck and dinner my husband lovingly prepared which included chocolate cake for dessert far bigger than my head, I couldn't help but think of another mother sitting in a lonely jail cell left to think of all she has lost including her children- "our" children.  It was depressing to think about and really put a damper on any celebrations.

I know that this is a bit of a downer of a post, but I think it's needful to be aware of those mothers who experience loss of the dream of a child or their actual child- which loss is certainly likely to be magnified on Mother's Day.

I'm not suggesting that Mother's Day should be cancelled or anything at the risk of hurting anyone's feelings because Motherhood is SO worth celebrating!  However, we can be a bit more mindful of women and mothers who have experienced (and will continue to experience) loss. Obviously, because of the way my children came to be a part of my life my feelings gravitate towards birthmothers in general and specifically the birth mothers of my children.

This Mother's Day . . .

Just posting two things that REALLY resonated with me and touched my heart this Mother's Day Weekend:

Two Equally Real Families

I saw this quote the other day and it was a great reminder for me to try and see things from the perspective of someone who has been adopted:

 (To learn more about the author of this quote and her experiences click here)

I also readily admit that I grew a little uncomfortable just reading the quote.  As an adoptive mother, part of me doesn't want to acknowledge the rift my children may feel concerning their biological families and their adoptive family.  I don't like the concept of anyone having to "choose" between families or of placing blame on or possibly feeling resentment towards one family- it creates an "us" versus "them" mentality and that kind of reasoning taken to the extreme is like setting the stage for a contest in which there can only be one winner for the coveted title of "Real Family" when, in fact, in adoption there are no winners or losers but two equally real families who happen to share a child.

I've always considered myself to be fairly open with my children about their histories so that it's just a fact that they started out with a biological family (or solely a birthmother- depending on their story) before joining our family through adoption.  I also see the wisdom in keeping things as age-appropriate as possible so that I don't have to give them details they might not understand or might not be ready to process just yet. 

For example, ever since my oldest daughter was pre-school aged and cognizant that babies grow inside of their mommies I would offer up the explanation to her that "mommy's tummy is broken" and that is why she grew in her birthmother's tummy rather than mine.  "Mommy's tummy is broken" is a much more appropriate explanation to a young child than "I have no problem ovulating and daddy's sperm is fine but any fertilized eggs have trouble implanting in my uterus due to extensive endometrial growths despite repeated surgeries and medical interventions to help suppress the growths."  Yeah . . . I think anyone can see why "Mommy's tummy is broken" will suffice.

When it comes to my oldest daughter's "other" family, I've always been cautious about how to tell her that she has biological half siblings- not because I was trying to keep it a big secret from her but because I was afraid of the questions and issues it would lead to, namely, Why did my birthmom choose to "keep" them but not me?  And I really HATE to use such a simplistic word as "keep" rather than "parent" for the same exact reasons I felt uneasy with the causality surrounding term 'let go of' in the quote I shared in the beginning, but I am thinking about how my daughter or anyone who has been adopted, for that matter, might perceive things.

Because of my concerns, I was so relieved at M.'s reaction when I told her that she has biological half sisters.  She didn't ask anything whatsoever about "How come they're with my birthmom and I'm not?" but rather, she became excited and announced, "I have sisters!"  Incidentally, they know about her as well although they have not yet met in person.  M. was especially excited to learn that two of her bio half-siblings are older sisters because she's always thought that it would be cool to have an older sibling.  Which, incidentally, makes me wonder if it's really such a bad thing to adopt out of birth order when there are so many older children available for adoption but that's another subject for another post!

I also laughed when M. enthusiastically and matter of factly told me, "So now we have 9 people in our family!"  (Five in our family plus her birthmom and her three biological half-sisters).  I immediately envisioned her telling all her friends and everyone at school about her new-found discovery and I tried explaining that they weren't in our family but they were part of her biological family.  It didn't seem to make much of a difference to her and she still didn't see what the big deal was with me having her call them "biological sisters" rather than just simply "sisters."  My daughter's inclusiveness taught me a lot that day.

For now we're good with M.'s knowledge of having biological half-siblings in addition to her little brother and sister, but what happens the day that my daughter does ask me "Why did my birthmom choose to 'keep' them but not me?"

Here's what I can tell her:

-Your birthmother wanted you to have a mommy AND a daddy.  (She's heard this fact before but I will repeat it to her as often as necessary.)

-Your birthmother knew from experience how hard it is to be a single parent.  

M. can learn more details from her birthmother when they both decide that the time is right.  She does know that the reason her "other sisters" are referred to as half-siblings is that they have the same biological mom but different biological fathers.

As for my two youngest children- they have a biological (full) baby brother as well.  At this point I'm uncertain if he is still in the care of their birthmom and although they've met him a couple of times it's been over a year since they last saw him and I honestly don't know if they even remember him.  It's nice to have pictures of them together for any future inquiries.

When the time comes that my two youngest (now only 2 and 3 years old) ask: "How come my birthmom ended up with our baby brother (if only for a time) but not with us?"  the answer is a bit complicated because the circumstances surrounding their adoption from foster care are so different from when we adopted our oldest daughter through a private agency with no state involvement whatsoever.  

How do you explain neglect and drug addiction to a young child?  I have learned through other foster adoptive families to explain drug addiction as a disease so when my youngest children do ask the hard questions I plan on saying something to the effect of, "Your birthmom had a disease which kept her from raising you.  That disease is drug addiction."   I might also add- it's scary when two of your children have a high genetic predisposition towards drug addiction on not just one but both sides of their bio family's lines!

In summary, I don't ever want to keep the facts about my children's first families and how they came to be in our family a big secret, because their other families are just as "real" and valid as our family. They deserve their due recognition.

However,  I do want to use discretion in sharing that information with my children in a timely and age-appropriate manner.

My Adoption Truth: Grace and Sad

Terra Cooper is an advocate for adoption who is very active in using social media to promote a positive view of adoption. In an effort to educate others, Terra has created a hashtag campaign in which anyone impacted by adoption can share their experiences- whether that be through posting a picture on Instagram or writing a few words or paragraphs on Facebook or in an online forum- specifically related to one thought-provoking word such as "anticipation", "fear", or "trust", using the hashtag #MyAdoptionTruth.  Terra has compiled a list of over 70 different words to choose from as part of this campaign.

I've only shared my experiences with two of the words which seemed to strike a particular chord in me, but as someone who is naturally introspective and who prefers writing about my feelings rather than talking about them I've found that each word can make a great writing prompt and serves as a very effective tool in processing/analyzing/exploring any feelings related to adoption (or any serious topic for that matter). 

The other enlightening thing for me about sharing different perspectives is that as I've read the responses of others to a particular word I've been reminded that everybody's experiences are so vastly different.  Simply reflecting on one word can bring about so many varied responses.

Here's what I had to say about the words "Grace" and "Sad". 

What does Grace mean to you in adoption?

To me, the definition of grace is doing for others what they cannot do for themselves.  In light of this definition, it is truly through the grace of my children's birthmothers that I am able to be a mother myself.  That's HUGE!  I can never "repay" that grace but I can show my gratitude to my children's birthmothers and revere them and I can be ever mindful of what a gift my children are.

Lest anyone think by my response above that adoption is always bliss and conflict-free here is another response I shared when I reflected on the word "sad":

For clarification (or if you're new to this blog), all of my children are/were adopted and although their birthmothers relinquished their parental rights- each case was very different.  We adopted our daughter M. through an agency adoption after her birthmother chose us to be her parents and relinquished her parental rights just days after M. was born.  

However, we adopted our youngest two children, Jack and Jill, through foster care after they had been in our care for over a year and a half. Although Jack and Jill's first mother technically relinquished her rights, it was not because she necessarily chose us to be her parents.  Jack and Jill's mother relinquished her parental rights after two of her children were in state custody as our foster children for a year and a half and it became apparent that she would not be given any more chances and her parental rights would most likely be terminated through the process of a legal trial if she did not relinquish. 

Fortunately, during that year and a half of Jack and Jill being in our care as foster children we were able to develop a relationship with their first mother as we would interact with her at weekly supervised visits, team meetings, various appointments, and court hearings.  (Their birth father was initially involved in their case as well).  She gained our trust in caring for her children which {hopefully} made it easier for her to see her children being removed from her care, being raised by strangers, and eventually adopted. Guardianship or adoption by family members was not an option for Jack and Jill which is why we were able to adopt them.  They have been our only foster children to date where reunification, a kinship placement, or adoption by relatives was not a viable option.           

 What have been some sad moments for you in adoption?

It's sad to me that two of our children became a part of our family as a direct result of their birth family's addictions and other unsafe circumstances.  This sadness is compounded by the fact that any face-to-face contact with one of their birthparents is on hold for their safety.  

I know these two children are loved deeply by their first family and it makes me feel sad (and slightly guilty) that they joined our family at the expense of tremendous grief and loss by their first family. 

I may share some other adoption truths in future posts and would love to hear some #myadoptiontruth responses from others!

The Sting of Hearing Certain Phrases for an Adoptive Mom

I'm going to allow myself to be a bit vulnerable today and share some feelings of loss.  Adoption can be wonderful but it can't be ignored that it is LOSS which makes it possible in the first place.   

All members of the adoption triad experience some form of loss to some degree: Birthparents lose a child- even in cases where they willingly relinquish their parental rights and are at peace with their decision and have full confidence in the family they've chosen for their child.  

Adoptive parents, and mothers in particular, may feel the loss of not having been able to conceive (and carry or give birth to) their children.

If a child is adopted at an older age their parents may feel the loss of not having been able to raise them during their formative years and missing out on all of the first's in a child's life- first tooth, first words, first day of school, etc.

Perhaps the most profound sense of loss is felt by the child who is adopted as they lose their biological family.  If their adoption is closed they could feel an amplified loss of identity, belonging, or even information on seemingly simple knowledge many of us take for granted, such as "What color of hair or eyes did my bio parents have?"  "What were they like?" to more complex issues such as "What about my medical history- am I at a greater risk for certain cancers or mental illness or alcoholism and other addictions because of my genetics?"

I can't speak for birthparents or those who have been adopted for the obvious reason that I've never been in their situation but I can acknowledge their losses and try to sympathize.  As an adoptive parent, however, I can speak for myself and empathize with other parents who have had to grieve through losses similar to what I've experienced.

With that background let me also share some additional information about myself and my feelings about adoption:  I've always felt drawn towards adoption- I can't really explain why- but it's just been a feeling or sense I've carried with me.  In the back of my mind I thought "I would like to adopt someday" whether I was able to have biological children or not.  As time went on, this sense of adoption became much more keen and clear and transformed from "I would like to adopt someday" to "I will adopt someday."

I always envisioned becoming a parent for the first time in my 20's rather then my 30's but it turns out that I'm infertile and anyone who has dealt with infertility can attest to the fact that it can really take your life's plans for a detour.  

In my opinion, the only thing worse than being infertile is being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".  I like there to be a reason for things- my favorite question to answer is "why?"- so when my husband and I dealt with unexplained infertility for over the first half decade of our marriage it was extremely frustrating to say the least.  It's so much easier to know how to move forward when you know what exactly it is you are dealing with in the first place.

After about five years of actively trying to conceive we had some answers to where- (and in this case, with whom) the problem lied.  I was FINALLY correctly diagnosed and treated for our fertility problems- which, in my case, happens to be related to endometriosis.  It was a huge relief to finally have an explanation to why we couldn't get pregnant.  And although at that point in time the chance of me having a viable pregnancy was still a possibility for us, we had started looking into adoption as a means of building our family as well because as with going through the adoption process, fertility treatments offer no guarantee that you'll end up with a child.  

To me, adopting our children versus conceiving and giving birth to them was no big deal.  I wanted to be a parent and the technicality of how that would happen wasn't nearly as important as making sure we did all in our power to make sure that it did happen.  My husband, on the other hand, was hesitant about adoption and it took him a while to warm up to the idea.  This totally makes me laugh now because as I continue to see the interaction between my husband and our firstborn child in particular, who joined our family through adoption as a newborn, I don't think it would be possible for any father to love his child more.

With that lengthy background I'd like to share a couple of fairly recent examples of times I've experienced some feelings of loss triggered quite simply by someone's choice of words.

EXAMPLE #1: ". . . maybe you could have had your own children."

I will be needing another surgery in the near future to deal with some of the complications associated with my endometriosis.  As I was talking to a loved one about this and we were calculating how many surgeries I've had over the years as a means of treatment my loved one made the comment to me, "It sure is too bad that you weren't diagnosed sooner.  Then maybe you could have had your own children."

I was taken aback and tried to keep the conversation running smoothly but at the same time I was caught off guard and just kept thinking, "Wait a minute- did she seriously just say that?"  Now if you are reading this and don't quite understand why a comment like that would hurt so much let me try to explain it:

The term "your own children" is basically the opposite of "someone else's children" and "someone else's children" implies that these children aren't really yours- that you are an impostor.  Or that you haven't fully earned the title of parent because your children don't carry your DNA.  Ouch- That hurts.  (As much as that comment hurt I'm relieved that at least it was just said in front of me and not in my children's presence.)

Fortunately, I know the heart very well of this loved one who made the comment and I know for a fact that she would never deliberately say anything hurtful toward me or my children.  In fact, as I was analyzing what she said (I would have much preferred to just let it slide but the words "your own children" kept echoing through my mind over the next couple of hours after our conversation to the point that I couldn't just ignore them) I'm fairly certain that her remark stemmed from her frustration for and sympathy towards me in watching me have to suffer for so long both physically and emotionally with the process of becoming a parent.

From that conversation I was reminded that when someone says something which can seem insensitive or hurtful many times that is not their intent at all but they are simply unaware that such a phrase or way of putting things could be considered hurtful.  That is why education and awareness is so important.

EXAMPLE #2: "Maybe he misses his real mom" 

Shortly after we adopted Jack he was having a particularly hard day and started whining and throwing a tantrum.  We happened to have relatives over and I felt the need to apologize for his behavior- whether it was the result of him being tired or frustrated or simply of being a 2-year-old.  "I don't know what's wrong- he's having a rough time." I sheepishly explained.  My relative quickly offered up his assessment and said, "Maybe he misses his real mom."  

Once again, I was just so startled at that comment that I didn't even have time to formulate a good response.  I would have been totally fine if the words "other mom" or "biological mom" were used- but they weren't.  Maybe Jack did, in fact, miss his birthmother, and I can totally accept that fact. What I was having a problem with is that the phrase "real mom" made me feel like my role as mother to Jack was somehow being diminished.

I understand that adoption presents a unique situation for children because they literally have more than one mom or dad- I get that it's different than the norm of one mom and one dad who conceive their children themselves.  But I think it's important to remember that ALL the parents in the adoptive child's life are real.  Birth parents are real.  Adoptive parents are real.  Both are a necessary part of the adoption equation.  When one party is labeled "real" it automatically makes the other party "not real" by default.

The two examples of  phrases I shared really pricked a tender spot in my heart.  And since I have a tendency to over-analyze things and this is, in fact, my blog, I'll explain why that is:

I think there is a continuum, for me, of certain phrases people use when talking about adoption which range anywhere from "not a problem" "that bugs me" "that REALLY bugs me" to "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!"  Phrases like "real mom" or "your own children" definitely belong on the far end of the continuum under the classification of "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!" because they're not just bothersome but they can actually hurt.

I think there is another continuum to measure how bothersome or hurtful certain phrases are which is based not on the phrase itself, but of whom is speaking.  For example, it I were to hear a stranger say, "I know a woman who gave up a child for adoption." I would assume that they don't have very much experience with adoption and l would let it slide because if they did have more experience with adoption they would most certainly use the term "placed" rather than "gave up".   Hearing a stranger make a remark like that would be bothersome.  However, if a friend of mine were to use the term "gave up for adoption" I would be even more bothered because they're my friend and because of that, I would hope they would show a bit more sensitivity and reverence for adoption.  Therefore, their response would belong somewhere along the continuum of "that REALLY bugs me".  With the two examples I shared of hearing the phrase "real mom" and "your own children" it hurt not only because it was on the far end of the continuum based solely on the phrase being said/terms used but it was also on the far end of the spectrum of the "whom is speaking" scale since it was my loved ones who made the remarks.

And now, for my final example- the end all/be all remark which, in my opinion, is the F-bomb of all adoption phrases: "You're not my REAL mom!"  or "You're not my REAL dad!" These phrases are at the far end of both continuums I've mentioned because not only is it an incredibly hurtful and personal, accusatory phrase but it can only be uttered by a child to their adoptive parent- the ultimate sting.

EXAMPLE #3- "You're not my REAL mom!".  

This example is deserving of a post all of its own. Stay Tuned.