My Adoption Truth: Grace and Sad

Terra Cooper is an advocate for adoption who is very active in using social media to promote a positive view of adoption. In an effort to educate others, Terra has created a hashtag campaign in which anyone impacted by adoption can share their experiences- whether that be through posting a picture on Instagram or writing a few words or paragraphs on Facebook or in an online forum- specifically related to one thought-provoking word such as "anticipation", "fear", or "trust", using the hashtag #MyAdoptionTruth.  Terra has compiled a list of over 70 different words to choose from as part of this campaign.

I've only shared my experiences with two of the words which seemed to strike a particular chord in me, but as someone who is naturally introspective and who prefers writing about my feelings rather than talking about them I've found that each word can make a great writing prompt and serves as a very effective tool in processing/analyzing/exploring any feelings related to adoption (or any serious topic for that matter). 

The other enlightening thing for me about sharing different perspectives is that as I've read the responses of others to a particular word I've been reminded that everybody's experiences are so vastly different.  Simply reflecting on one word can bring about so many varied responses.

Here's what I had to say about the words "Grace" and "Sad". 

What does Grace mean to you in adoption?

To me, the definition of grace is doing for others what they cannot do for themselves.  In light of this definition, it is truly through the grace of my children's birthmothers that I am able to be a mother myself.  That's HUGE!  I can never "repay" that grace but I can show my gratitude to my children's birthmothers and revere them and I can be ever mindful of what a gift my children are.

Lest anyone think by my response above that adoption is always bliss and conflict-free here is another response I shared when I reflected on the word "sad":

For clarification (or if you're new to this blog), all of my children are/were adopted and although their birthmothers relinquished their parental rights- each case was very different.  We adopted our daughter M. through an agency adoption after her birthmother chose us to be her parents and relinquished her parental rights just days after M. was born.  

However, we adopted our youngest two children, Jack and Jill, through foster care after they had been in our care for over a year and a half. Although Jack and Jill's first mother technically relinquished her rights, it was not because she necessarily chose us to be her parents.  Jack and Jill's mother relinquished her parental rights after two of her children were in state custody as our foster children for a year and a half and it became apparent that she would not be given any more chances and her parental rights would most likely be terminated through the process of a legal trial if she did not relinquish. 

Fortunately, during that year and a half of Jack and Jill being in our care as foster children we were able to develop a relationship with their first mother as we would interact with her at weekly supervised visits, team meetings, various appointments, and court hearings.  (Their birth father was initially involved in their case as well).  She gained our trust in caring for her children which {hopefully} made it easier for her to see her children being removed from her care, being raised by strangers, and eventually adopted. Guardianship or adoption by family members was not an option for Jack and Jill which is why we were able to adopt them.  They have been our only foster children to date where reunification, a kinship placement, or adoption by relatives was not a viable option.           

 What have been some sad moments for you in adoption?

It's sad to me that two of our children became a part of our family as a direct result of their birth family's addictions and other unsafe circumstances.  This sadness is compounded by the fact that any face-to-face contact with one of their birthparents is on hold for their safety.  

I know these two children are loved deeply by their first family and it makes me feel sad (and slightly guilty) that they joined our family at the expense of tremendous grief and loss by their first family. 

I may share some other adoption truths in future posts and would love to hear some #myadoptiontruth responses from others!

LDS Family Services No Longer Doing Adoptions

A Little Background:  LDS Family Services is the agency we went through for our first adoption.  I've written about them here and  here.  Overall our experience with LDSFS has been positive- especially when our family was involved with the adoption advocacy group Families Supporting Adoption, which was sponsored by LDS Family Services but which has (sadly) dissolved over the past couple of years.  Thankfully, another advocacy group, United For Adoption, with the same purpose as Families Supporting Adoption is quickly gaining momentum.

Last month as I was grocery shopping my phone buzzed and I got a message from a very active member of the LDS Adoption Community referring me to a news article announcing that LDS Family Services would no longer be doing adoptions.  Even though I've known that this would be coming for a few years now, I still felt very sad to learn that it was now "official". 

 

My husband and I feel very fortunate that we were able to use LDS Family Services- a social service agency administered under the direction of our Church- for our first adoption because it greatly subsidized the costs for us to adopt a child.  I know that for many other LDS couples, adopting through LDS Family Services is the only possible way they were able to afford to adopt a child.  Adopting through LDS Family Services is 10% of a family's gross annual income- not to exceed $10,000 whereas other private adoption agencies can range anywhere from $25K to $40K. 

 

Incidentally, I chuckled to myself when I read the title of one article announcing the recent changes:  "Mormon church drops adoption business".  Adoption is not, nor has it ever been, a "business" for the LDS Church.  The word "business" implies that money is made but the truth is that the Church loses money on each adoptive placement through LDS Family Services. 

 

Because LDS Family Services falls under the administration of Humanitarian Services/Welfare Services of the church the first explanation I heard about why Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) and adoptions through LDSFS would be coming to a halt is the costliness of adoptions.  From a cost/benefit analysis adoption is a very noble cause but could $25,000 be spent to benefit more than just one family but perhaps an entire village or community through projects such a building wells to provide clean drinking water or to build a school or start a farm in an underdeveloped area?  In other words, what would be most beneficial to the greatest amount of people? 

 

The second reason I heard for LDS Family Services stopping adoptions is simply the fact that less women are choosing to place their children for adoption.  This is evident by the number of prospective adoptive couples signed up with LDS Family Services (or any adoption agency for that matter) in contrast to the number of unwed mothers who choose to place their children for adoption.

On a related note, not all expectant parents who go through LDS Family Services for support choose adoption, nor are they required to do so.  Some, like a high school friend of mine who became pregnant shortly after we graduated from high school, choose to parent but still receive support from the agency.  (I know this because I accompanied her to a support group on one occasion).   Basically it is the role of LDS Family Services to provide resources to single expectant parents and help them explore their options but they will respect and support whatever decision is made- whether that decision includes to parent or to place.  This is exactly what David McConkie, the current group manager for adoptions for LDS Family Services, said in another article:  "We are trying to expand our services to that group [single expectant parents] and let them know that whatever their choice, we will help them as much as we can to be successful- whatever their choice may be."

 

Of course there has been speculation that LDS Family Services is getting out of adoptions because they don't want to feel "forced" to place children with homosexual parents against their religious conscience, as has been the case with other religious-based agencies such as Catholic Community Services, but none of the articles I read or any of the spokespeople for the agency cited that controversial issue as the reason for this shift in focus.

 

So what does this mean for adoptive couples who have been waiting to adopt through LDS Family Services?

 

Well, the good news is that the changes didn't go into effect immediately when the announcement was made, but will take effect at the end of this year OR when a couple's Home Study with LDS Family Services expires.  Hopefully this will give at least a couple of months for many of the roughly 600 prospective adoptive families to come up with alternative plans.  Since LDS Family Services will no longer be a child-placing agency they will no longer be doing home studies for adoptive couples but they will continue to provide counseling to adoptive couples. 

Services to expectant parents and birthparents will basically remain unchanged.  It is my understanding that LDS Family Services will continue to offer support and counseling as they always have, but since the agency no longer does home studies of adoptive applicants they will refer birthparents to other reputable adoption agencies.   Birthparents will still have access to profiles of prospective LDS adoptive couples online through the itsaboutlove.org website. 

 

Speaking of which . . .  just for fun  I looked up our profile on itsaboutlove.org this morning and discovered that after five and a half years of waiting to adopt this time around with LDS Family Services our family made it to the TOP 15 of couples who have been waiting the longest to adopt!  That is, out of 561 families currently listed on itsaboutlove only 2% have been waiting to adopt longer than we have.)  Too bad it's not a contest to see how long you must wait to adopt because Top 2% sounds pretty impressive if I do say so myself! 

By the way, I can personally vouch for two families in the "Top Ten" who have been waiting to adopt longer than we have- Jo is my childhood friend and I met Doug and Marianne at an adoption conference four or five years ago and instantly liked them.  Any child would be lucky to be in either of these families.  Seriously.

 

One major advantage of having to wait more than five years to adopt is that it gives you more time to explore other options and save up money.  Because of this, our family has continued to stay licensed as a fost-adopt family through our state and we have not entirely given up inquiring about waiting children.  We feel fortunate to be able to be signed up with two other adoption agencies in addition to LDSFS including Premier Adoption and Forever Bound Adoption which was founded by Steve Sunday, a very reputable adoption professional who has had over 30 years of experiences heading adoptions with LDS Family Services and who currently sits on the Board of Directors of Utah Foster Care.

This change in LDS Family Services adoption services is not the end of the world for our adoption hopes but I know that other prospective adoptive couples going through LDS Family Services have been absolutely devastated by the news that LDSFS will no longer be a child-placing agency.  My heart truly goes out to these families.  In answer to the question I posed earlier: what does this mean for adoptive couples who have been waiting to adopt through LDS Family Services?  These families who have been using LDS Family Services must now find another adoption agency or pursue an adoption with a lawyer but no agency involvement (which means they'd have to network like CRAZY to find a birthmother who is in a position to place a child).  Or they could always pursue foster adoption through their state, look into domestic adoption, pursue infertility treatments (if that is an option for them and if they haven't already exhausted their financial resources and/or health in the process, that is) or simply give up.  None of these options will be easy.

Because I'm slightly biased in favor of providing foster care regardless of if the outcome is adoption, I did offer up this piece of advice in an online forum to any who find themselves in such a position:

"For any hopeful adoptive couples out there who may not be able to afford the costs of a private agency outside of LDSFS and who have ever considered it, I would strongly encourage you to look into FOSTERING or FOST/ADOPTING THROUGH YOUR STATE which is not only FREE but more importantly can make a huge difference in the life of a child! Here's the link to a downloadable Prospective Foster Parent Packet from Utah Foster Care: http://utahfostercare.org/beco.../prospective-parent-packet/ and here is a link to finding more info about fostering in other states: http://www.adoptuskids.org/.../state-adoption-and-foster...."

 

Any other thoughts on the changes with LDS Family Services and adoption?