One Down, Two to Go

 A couple of weeks before school ended I did, in fact, get a call from Jill’s new principal (see this post).  I literally held my breath when he introduced himself and I thought “Now what?”  I was so relieved and pleasantly surprised when he told me the reason for his call was to let me know that Jill’s teacher recognized her for performing better in all three areas of statewide testing than she had the previous year.  This principal is new and although I didn’t realize till halfway through the call that he was on speakerphone with Jill in his office, I did blurt out  “I’m just so relieved because usually when I get a call it’s not to report good news!”

As for Em, she graduated from high school! No, she still doesn’t have her driver’s license or a job, but I am elated that I can at least cross that accomplishment off of my “Parenting To Do” List.

I was a little sad that my parents aren’t alive to see Em graduate, but in addition to our side of the family, her birth mom and birth family showed up to support her on that milestone day of her high school graduation.  I was able to meet Em’s birth aunt for the first time that day as well as Em’s maternal birth grandparents.  Sadly, it was apparent that Em’s birth grandma was in an “altered” state that even Jack commented on afterwards.  When we first met with Em’s birth mom before the adoption was opened up a couple of years ago, Em’s birth mom told us that she didn’t feel comfortable with Em meeting her parents as they both have histories of active substance abuse.  She has since changed her mind and they’ve met a couple of times at public family gatherings.  Em came home after one Christmas party with a couple of gifts they gave her-both reeking of smoke- so I threw the washable gift (a sweater) in the wash as soon as I got it and Em has treasured the other gift  regardless of the lingering smell.

When I met Em’s maternal birth aunt after the graduation ceremony but before we busied ourselves taking pictures, she looked me in the eyes and said, “You’ve done a good job with her.”  She was so sincere as she said it. I was touched and just replied a sincere “Thank you.”

“One Down, Two to Go”- The title of this post has dual meaning: one down, two to go refers to the fact that one of our children has graduated from high school and we have two more yet to graduate.  “One Down, Two to Go” also refers to when I was originally going to post this- when we were one month into summer vacation and had two more months to go.  However, summer is winding down, and school is now less than a month away!  Jack and Jill will be in junior high together next school year and although we have money set aside for Em’s post high-school education she has not yet committed to a specific school or program.  Although we’d prefer her to be working or in school my husband and I are trying our hardest to be encouraging rather than making her feel pressured.  We’ve also decided that she deserves to take a break during the summer so we’re trying really hard to let her have a few months of taking it easy until we increase any expectations of her.

I know I’ve referred to the saying “Comparison is the thief of joy” before and the last couple of months watching some of Em’s friends and schoolmates announce their plans after graduation- some even getting scholarships, I have to remember NOT to compare my kids to other kids, especially keeping in mind that although they may be the same age chronologically, that doesn’t mean they are at the same stage developmentally or that they come from the same backgrounds or have faced the same challenges.

I hate to admit it, but as my children get older I often wonder “How differently would they be if they hadn’t been exposed to drugs in utero?” “What mental illnesses or challenges would they have developed from my husband and I if they were our biological children versus from their actual DNA?”  Of course I would love my children no matter what- but it’s a type of loss I’m willing to acknowledge.  I’m past child-bearing age and old enough to be a grandma now, but I still recognize that although adoption can be a “cure” for childlessness, it is not a cure for some of the stings of infertility.

Em's Moms

I mentioned back in this post that I hadn’t talked to Em’s birth mom since Em left home for 7 weeks to live with her.  Although she’s not living with her anymore, Em still keeps in touch with her birth mom and occasionally will even spend the night if they hang out too late together as Em still doesn’t have her driver’s license and can’t drive herself home.

It wasn’t until an emergency last month that brought Em’s birth mom and I (and my husband) to interact with each other again.  I got a text from Em the night before that she would be spending the night at her birth mom’s after a family party went late.  I admit, I tried to talk her out of going in the first place as she had missed some school that week from being sick and she still seemed pretty run down.  It was a school night that night so my biggest concern was that Em made it to school on time the next day as she is just months away from graduating from high school and she can’t afford to miss any school or get behind in her classes.

The next morning as I was getting my younger kids off to school and getting ready to go to work I checked my phone to see if Em would make it to school on time for her first class (she has enough credits that she can sleep in as a “home release” for her first two classes both A and B days of school which has been beneficial for her emotional and physical health).  “Oh good!” I thought to myself as I saw her location-“they’re headed in the right direction on the freeway for her to get to school on time.”  My husband happened to be working from home that day, and I guess great minds think alike (and/or we’re both naturally overprotective) because a few minutes later he came hurriedly upstairs after he had checked to make sure Em made it to school and asked me with concern in his voice, “Why is Em’s location showing the hospital?  It even looks like it’s in the E.R.?”

My heart started racing and I checked my phone to confirm Em’s latest location and sure enough, her location showed she was at a hospital.  I immediately texted Em and tried calling her but she was not answering.  Of course, emergencies only happen at inconvenient times, so although I normally don’t drive my youngest daughter to school, as soon as I texted Em’s birth mom to find out what was going on I had to drop Jill off at school that morning so that her creative but bulky Valentine’s Day box wouldn’t get ruined on the bus.

“Is Em okay?  I texted. She’s not returning my texts or answering my calls and her location shows the hospital.”  A few minutes later I got the response “No- she’s not.  I was driving her to school and she said her stomach hurt and then she passed out.  I couldn’t revive her, so I took her to the ER.” 

My husband headed to the hospital while I drove my youngest to school while simultaneously using voice command to send messages to my boss and clients that I’d have to cancel appointments for the day due to an emergency- all the while not knowing if it would turn out to be a “big” or a “little” emergency.

After I dropped Jill off to school I began to imagine all sorts of scenarios, and because my mind naturally goes to the worst case, I thought to myself, “If this incident has anything whatsoever to do with drugs or alcohol Em is cutting off ALL contact with her birth mom.”  Em’s birth mom has worked very hard to remain sober, so although it wasn’t a likely scenario, you never know.  I knew the stomach pain wasn’t appendicitis because Em had an emergency appendectomy a couple of years ago.  “Shoot- what if she’s pregnant!” Also highly unlikely for good reasons, but still a possibility.  And then as I was rushing to get to the hospital amid all of my panic and racing thoughts I had the distinct impression come to me that I needed to be gentle and loving towards Em’s birth mom.  I’m not normally a mean person, but my Mama Bear instincts were revving up and I was admittedly annoyed that I was the one who had to reach out to Em’s birth mom first to find out my child was in the hospital, rather than her immediately calling me or my husband and letting us know.

When I arrived at the ER and announced which patient I was looking for a nurse came out and asked, “How are you related to the patient?”  “I’m mom.” I answered- somewhat more emphatically than I expected.  The nurse hesitated for a moment and then said, “Okay . . . just making sure” and showed me to the room where my husband and Em’s birth mom already were. It must have been kind of confusing for one “mom” to bring a daughter in and then have another “mom” come.  In addition, when the nurses and staff were talking to us  it was a little awkward as they wanted to communicate with all three of us, but weren’t sure who to turn and look at as they directed their questions and updates.

As soon as I saw Em’s birth mom in the room I went up to her and gave her a hug.  She looked somewhat surprised and a little relieved. Maybe she thought I was going to chew her out or place blame.  I’m not normally a hugger, but l felt an undeniable prompting to be gentle and loving and it’s like some force outside of myself was propelling me to make that gesture.

Em had at least one IV hooked up to her as well as an oxygen mask over her face.  The dr explained that her oxygen was low on arrival. Apparently they also had also inserted a catheter and had to cut into some of her clothes. 

“I told them she has POTS,” Em’s birth mom exclaimed . . . but I don’t know which medications she’s on.”  When the nurses made room and it was safe to do so my husband moved to Em’s bed and held her hand and began talking to her.  Although she was still pretty out of it, she was able to squeeze his hand to let him know she could hear him.  Meanwhile, I sat down in a chair next to a nurse at a computer and started rattling off all of Em’s medications as well as her diagnoses.  Em’s birth mom looked a little intimidated and flustered in a way.

The good news is that Em only had to spend about four hours in the ER that morning before becoming stable enough to be discharged and come home.  I felt bad that I had to cancel my clients that day- although I knew that none of them were in active crisis situations.  It felt good to stay home with Em and take care of her because she’s at an age and stage in her life when she wants to be so independent that she is somewhat resistant to letting me care for her and she sees any attempts of doing so on my part as me trying to “control” her while I view it as simply supporting her and being her parent.

The most concerning part of that day was not knowing exactly what triggered Em’s episode- other than her history of POTS. Em’s birth mom listed off everything to the hospital staff that Em had eaten the night before and that morning – nothing new- and the only medication she had taken that morning were her ADHD meds and some cold medicine as she was getting over being sick.  The doctor told us that he was a little worried when first Em arrived at the ER because her glassy eyed look and state of unresponsiveness reminded him of recent patients he had seen who have come in after overdosing on Benadryl- even going so far as to hallucinate and try and grab things that weren’t really there. But Em isn’t dumb enough to do that.

A tox screen was done as well as other lab work and at least one ultrasound to rule things out. No drugs or alcohol were involved.  Maybe it was just a matter of Em’s body being run down in the first place.  And, of course, morning coffee certainly doesn’t help with tachycardia symptoms (Em has stated that’s one of the reasons she likes her birth mom’s house over ours- her birth mom always has coffee and we don’t have any).  Most of the time when Em has issues with racing heart and dizziness it’s considered “pre-syncope”- feeling like she’s going to pass out- but rarely does she get to the point of actually passing out. We had a scary experience over the summer after she got her wisdom teeth out and had a bad reaction to the anesthesia while recovering at home. We couldn’t get her fully awake and when the paramedics arrived at our house and took her blood pressure and heart rate and saw the results they immediately asked “Which ER do you want us to take her to?”

The week after Em’s recent ER visit I followed up by getting her in to a specialist who had seen her before who ordered a few more tests and then went over treatment options, including reminders of the things she should already be doing: drink plenty of water and electrolytes, increase salt intake, avoid caffeine, wear compression socks or her abdominal binder, and continue in physical therapy. No new medication will be prescribed until she does all those things and they don’t relieve her symptoms.  Em has done physical therapy previously to build up her stamina as well as to help with hypermobility issues (it’s possible she has Ehlers Danlos as well, but if so it’s a mild case).  Although at the appointment she told the nurse “I guess I could do PT again if it’s not on the days I exercise at school in yoga class” (which would make her too tired to do both) when I tried making an appointment for her a couple days later she said “I don’t have to go because I’m 18 now.”  But it’s part of your recommended treatment plan!” I retorted. “I don’t want you to end up in the ER or Instacare again!”  (A couple of weeks earlier she kept stumbling at school despite the fact that she had eaten and worn her compression socks that day.  It’s the weirdest thing to see happen because her legs just “give out” and she looks like a drunk person walking.  I thought she may have been dehydrated and needed an IV which is why I took her to InstaCare, but by the time we saw the dr her legs were well enough that she could get out of the wheelchair they put her in when she arrived.)

It’s an awkward position to be in when you’re parenting an 18 year old who wants all the freedom of adulthood but not necessarily the responsibilities that come with taking care of yourself and being independent.  Speaking of being independent, Em has expressed that if she does leave home after graduating from high school since she already gave living with her birth mom a try and that didn’t work out as a permanent option, she would like to move in with her boyfriend and his family.  I try to remain calm and not overreact when she brings it up, but when I ask logical questions like “Are you going to pay rent?”  “Are you going to pay for your shampoo and makeup?” she just gets annoyed with me.

It also makes me wonder, “Is our house (and family) really that bad?”  Occasionally Em will dramatically complain that “We don’t have any good food in the house! I bet ______ (my birth mom) would take me to Chik-Fil-A right now if I asked!” I try to let complaints like that slide and usually just end up rolling my eyes.  Those reasons to move out seem so superficial to me.  But a couple of months ago Em did bring up a legitimate reason that I honestly hadn’t considered from her perspective.  She mentioned that one of the reasons she wanted to leave our house in the first place and live with her birth mom is because our house can get so noisy- mostly because of when Jill has meltdowns and yells. And although I’d like to say that I always remain calm when my child is out of control- especially when she’s throwing things, hitting or kicking us, or swearing at us- the truth is that sometimes I just get so frustrated that I can’t help but yell back.

Last week Em had Senior Prom so she invited her birth mom and biological half sister to our house before the dance to do her hair and makeup.  I was cordial, but tried giving them their “space” as well- (even though it was in my own home).  It’s an interesting dynamic but for now we’re in a good place.  I would love Em to spend Easter weekend with our family but I also know that her birth mom has talked about plans as well.  I hate when it feels like a competition.

Em is Back

I feel extremely grateful because right now all three of my children are watching a movie together, snacking on Doritos, and occasionally laughing at some line from the movie or an inside joke they have between each other. The best part is that it’s not just temporary. Over the weekend Em decided she wanted to return home to us- for good.

It took less than 7 weeks for our daughter and her birth mom to grow out of the Honeymoon Phase with each other after our daughter decided to leave our house and move in with her birth mom (who happens to live 20 minutes away from us). 

Although my husband and I knew that our daughter wouldn’t be in danger when she left, we were also aware of some red flags that filled us with concern for Em’s sake.  The last couple of times we’ve talked with Em she would hint at things not being ideal. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that she shared some more details with us and it took every bit of self-restraint within me to stop from exclaiming “I told you so!"

                                        

Em shared that she started feeling like “a burden” to her birth mom. After all, she still doesn’t have a driver’s license or a job so she would have to be driven to and from school each day or anywhere else she wanted to go. Although we would like her to get her license soon, our biggest priority for her is staying in school and graduating next year.

Not only was Em feeling like a burden, but her birth mom made some very direct comments to her about "growing up" and other things which would most likely make anyone feel pretty much like a burden as well. Em learned that, like most parents, her birth mom isn’t perfect despite the pedestal Em seems to have put her on.

I also don’t think Em’s birth mom was fully aware of Em’s emotional immaturity, her special needs (I haven't written much about that but perhaps I will in the future), and certainly her physical conditions [Em was formally diagnosed with POTS last year after a couple of years of troubling symptoms]. However, after one recent episode while living with her birth mom when Em started feeling dizzy and had to sit down, her birth mom implied that she was “faking it” for attention when, in fact, all of Em’s teachers at school have notice of her medical condition on file titled "Health Plan" including her diagnosis and what to do in case of sudden low blood pressure or wonky heart rate.

That’s another reason why it’s been hard for Em to look for a job- not many jobs for teenagers allow them to sit or rest when needed. In fast food or retail, for example, you’re always on the go.

I think one of the saddest parts of Em moving back home with us was her birth mom’s reaction when Em told her about her decision.  Her birth mom basically gaslighted her, tried to make her feel guilty, and then accused her of “taking advantage of me.” Fortunately, the invitation to visit if wanted has still been left open for my daughter from her birth mom.

I’m not naive enough to think that things between Em and my husband and I as her parents will automatically be perfect from now on. Of course we’re still going to have clashes. But I think the past 7 weeks have made Em realizes that our home is a pretty good place to be and that despite our faults as parents, we will always love her and welcome her.

October 2025 Update- Part 2 (Em)

Six weeks ago tonight our oldest daughter, “Em” made the decision to leave our home and go live with her birth mom.  Since then Em has joined us a couple of times for family celebrations and last week she let us take her out to ice cream after her choir concert (which has been tradition), but other than that she has not expressed any desire to return back home.

Occasionally I still find myself automatically setting Em’s place at the table and then the realization hits me and I slowly put the plate and silverware back.  I still text her quite regularly as well- just to check up on her, occasionally to nag her about a missing assignment (because that’s my job and I just want her to graduate from high school at this point!), and sometimes just to share a silly meme.  Much like when she was living at home, sometimes she’ll respond and other times she’ll just ignore my texts.  I finally got out our Halloween decorations a couple of weeks ago and came across a cute little cloth ghost she made as a pre-schooler.  I immediately texted her, “Remember this?!” That time she actually responded back in the affirmative. 

When we were at Em’s choir concert last week I realized I didn’t know any of the songs her class would be performing as she hadn’t been practicing at home like she normally would have been. Little things like that make me feel a tinge of grief.  A few more people in our neighborhood and church congregation have now heard the news that she’s not at home anymore and those close to me have expressed their condolences.  As for Jack and Jill, they have each reacted a little differently to their older sister being gone.  One weekend Em told us she might stop by and spend an evening with her brother and sister, but then she decided not to.  When Jill find out she wasn’t coming after all she said “It’s kind of stupid how she cares more about her birth family than the family she’s been living with her whole life.”  Jack pretends like he doesn’t care, but I know that deep down he does.  She actually spent the night when it was his birthday and we got home from dinner later- and then she went back to her birth mom’s the next day.  Jack told us “I slept a lot better knowing she was home.”   Then on the weekend when he was looking forward to playing video games and hanging out with her but she changed her mind he just tried to casually brush it off and said  something like “She just doesn’t care about me anymore.”  One thing I’ve been reminded of with teenagers is that, like preschoolers, they can be so egocentric.

As for Em’s birth mother- I still haven’t heard one word from her.  Not one phone call or text to me to tell me “Hey- she’s doing alright.”  Nothing.  On days when I’m not so angry or resentful I think “I get it- she’s trying to make up for 18 lost years” because I generally try to give other people the benefit of the doubt.  But I’ve also learned over the past couple of years of opening up this adoption that Em’s birth mother has never really grieved placing Em. She never went back for counseling through the agency we used.  She had another baby girl about a year and a half after Em was born- whom she parented- and now has partial custody of.  When my husband and I and Em’s birth mom were initially figuring out boundaries and how often she and Em would be getting together in person we soon learned that Em’s birth mom was approaching it as if it was a shared custody/coparenting arrangement (as she has with her other children) rather than respecting the preferred boundaries that my husband and I had set as Em’s parents.

I’d like to think that if I had another person’s child in my care I would encourage them (even if say, they had run away) to call their parents and let them know they’re doing okay.  If they wouldn’t I would certainly reach out to the parents and let them know- “Don’t worry- they’re in good hands.  They’re safe.”   That’s one thing we’d try to do with the birth parents of babies and kids we fostered over the years because I can’t imagine the loss and worry or even guilt they might be feeling- regardless of the reason their child ended up in state custody.  We’d try, through our actions, to let the birth families know “Hey- we’re not trying to take your child.  But we promise they will be safe and loved until they come back to you.”

The relationship between my husband and I and Em’s birth mother has turned into more of a competition rather than working together with the best interest of a child at the center.  I feel like we’re the “mean” parents who make sure Em has done her homework or cleaned her room while Em’s birth mom is the “fun” weekend parent who gets to take her to Disneyland or to do fun things without any real parenting or discipline involved.  I don’t know how long the “Honeymoon period” is going to last, but Em did mention to us, the night of her choir concert, that her birth mother recently told her (when she was encouraging her to get a job or something) “Well, when I was your age I had a baby AND a job, so I don’t have much sympathy for those who don’t work!”- something to that effect.  My husband and I were trying so hard to bite our tongues and make “Well maybe don’t drop out of school and sleep around!” come out as nicely and constructively as possible for the sake of teaching our daughter.  We sincerely try not to talk smack of any of our children’s birth parents in front of them- but considering their histories and how our children have been affected as a direct result of their actions- sometimes it’s so hard not to!

Most of the time I obviously really miss Em.  But I can’t deny that about a month ago I was extremely angry at her (and didn’t hold back expressing my feelings about it) when I realized she didn’t spend the night at her birth mother’s house- and then lied to me about it.  She turned off her location sharing on her phone* for a while after that because I was being “creepy” trying to check up on her.  Admittedly, my biggest motivation for tracking her is to make sure she makes it to school every day.  Fortunately, my husband convinced her to turn her location sharing back on so that I can see where she is for her safety.

 *Technically it is our phone because we’re the ones paying for it.  We’ve gone back and forth wondering if we should take possession of her phone (and IPAD) now that she’s an “adult” and doesn’t need us anymore, but we’re pretty sure if we did her birth mom would just get her new ones and we want to keep the lines of communication open.

Em is always more than welcome to come back home- but she is the one who has to want it first.

Loss and Hidden Sorrow

 I started writing this yesterday and was able to finish this morning before my first appointment.

There’s been a lot of loss the past couple of days in our nation and in my heart.  Today is 9/11 and there’s a collective grief and outpouring of reverence as we remember the lives lost and how the world has changed since then.  Yesterday there was a political assassination in my own state, and then just hours later I got word of yet another school shooting. Such tragedies can serve as a call to action for change and either bring people together in unity or create more division.

On a personal level, tomorrow is the death anniversary of my mom.  I’ll have time to visit her grave before I go to work. Hers is a loss I share with my siblings and other family members, so we can be of support to each other and lean on each other, if needed.

The past couple of days I’ve been experiencing a loss that isn’t publicly known.  Only my husband and children, a couple of my siblings, and a trusted church leader are aware.  This one is an ambiguous loss- because the person who has been “lost”- my oldest adopted daughter- is still alive- but she has chosen not to physically be in our home anymore.

I’ll back up to how we got to his point. This was my Facebook status from a couple of years ago:

                                     

Over the past couple of years our daughter has had an open relationship with not only her birth mother, but with birth siblings.  She’s been able to meet aunts, uncles, a few cousins, and grandparents she was previously unaware of.  I mention these relationships because 20 years ago when we started our adoption journey the focus in our preparation and training was on the “adoption triad”- meaning adopted child, birth parents, and adoptive parents.  However, now I prefer using the more updated and inclusive term “adoption kinship network” because adoption involves many more people than just parents and child. 

Something my daughter never had before opening up the relationship with her birth family is older sisters, and now she does! How cool is it that my daughter was able to be one of her half sister’s bridesmaids at her wedding?  How fun for my daughter that she gets doubly spoiled with gifts and baskets and stockings during Easter and Christmas? 

For the most part, things have been “good” for my daughter with her open adoption experience, but my husband and I have faced some challenges.  What started out as an invitation to keep things open with her birth mother has morphed into more of a coparenting arrangement, not respecting our boundaries, and on more than one occasion, going behind our backs.

Ideally, a successful open adoption brings to mind words and concepts like “sharing” “mutual respect” and “multiplication of love” (rather than something finite that can be divided up into smaller pieces).  But without boundaries, open communication, and mutual respect things can turn into resentment, jealousy, and competition. 

I think what’s most surprising to me is that I’m generally a pretty chill, kind person and I’ve always been good at sharing.  But things have transpired over the past year that have made me realize I’m not as good as “sharing” as I thought- especially when I feel like my role as a parent is not honored.    

I could go into a lot more detail, but this is not the place to do that.  That is what friends or therapy or sisters are for, right?

This is the text I got a couple of days ago which broke my heart.

                                           

What I thought might be an overnight visit or just a couple of days is now indefinite.  I realized my daughter’s intentions when she returned to the house with two empty duffel bags provided by her birth mom. 

As I discussed things with Jack and Jill after my oldest daughter packed up more clothes and belongings and left the house, they tried to downplay things, with statements such as “It was bound to happen sometime.” And “It’s okay- she never spent as much time with us and would prefer being with her boyfriend, anyway.”  Were they trying to protect their own feelings or were they trying to comfort and console me in a way?

18 years old but with still a year left of high school and no drivers license or job is an awkward stage to try to leave home. I say leave home instead of “run away” because it’s not exactly the same thing. But it does bring up similar panic and concern in a parent’s heart.

I reminded my daughter that she’s still on our insurance, I still have to take her to dr’s appointments, and even though she’s 18 years old my husband and I are the only ones who can legally excuse her absences from school or check her out of school.

This year a young woman from my state ran away from home-twice- (fortunately she turned herself into a police station the first time) and some of the comments left online were so incredibly judgmental- such as “I wonder what’s going on in that home to make her run away twice!”  “It must be her parents fault”, etc.

If you’ve never had a child suffer from mental illness or trauma (and adoption is trauma since it’s born from loss) then please refrain from making any judgements.

I know that things could be much more worse.  Although my daughter’s birth mom has not yet attempted to communicate with me or respond to my texts, I am in daily contact with my daughter (at least via texting) and I know that she’s safe.  She expressed that she will still join us for family celebrations.  

But it hurts that she’s not home.  

Nobody will be bringing me a casserole or card expressing "I'm sorry for your loss", because the loss is not known to others.

Open Adoption as a Protective Factor for Adoptees

Another excerpt from an assignment last semester which applies to adoption: 
Competency #2- Critically evaluate the current research evidence on how adoptive families fare.

Statistics show (DeAngelis, 1995a)- p. 284, Ashford text, that about 25% of adoptive children, compared with 15% of non-adoptive children, require clinical intervention for severe behavioral problems.  However, an adoption researcher from Rutgers University who has been studying adoption for more than 20 years reported that 75-80% of adopted children are within the “normal” psychological range.

Researchers at the Search Institute in Minneapolis conducted a study of 181 adopted adolescents and found that “most of the teens were functioning within the normal mental health range” and the teens described themselves as attached to their parents.  It was also found that in the case of open adoptions, adopted children who maintained contact with their birth mothers weren’t confused about their parents’ identity- they still view their adoptive mother as their mother and view their birth mother more as more of an aunt or friend.

How does understanding this competency apply to my own personal development?

 I have three children and all of them are adopted so I was very interested in this research.  I readily admit that I am totally guilty of over-analyzing my children’s mental health [particularly their neurocognitive development as a result of their in utero development] and to a lesser degree, their physical health, and wondering, “How much of this is due to genetics and how much is due to their environment?”  I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to stop speculating about the “why’s” but focus my energy on seeking the earliest possible professional interventions, if necessary,  and advocating for any special needs they might have.

How does understanding this competency apply to social work practice in general?

Adopted children are most often referred to for clinical treatment for acting out & aggression at about 5-7 years of age because this is an age where they are beginning to understand that they’ve lost their birth family.  It’s imperative for social workers to understand that no matter how awesome an adopted child’s adoptive family is, adoptees will have to sort through issues of grief and loss.  David Brodkinsky, the adoption researcher from Rutgers I mentioned earlier, found that the coping styles of adoptive families affected the experiences of their adopted children: those whose families engaged in an assistance-seeking style of coping did much better than those with an avoidant style of coping.  This knowledge is very helpful so that social workers can aid in helping adoptive families model affective ways to process grief and loss.

I Miss My Birth Mom

I have learned that some of the absolute WORST things to hear when you are suffering and have attempted to share what you're feeling with someone is: "But you shouldn't feel that way." or anything to the effect of "But it's in the past, can't you just get over it?" (Even if it's not stated that way but implied).

Such statements are entirely invalidating and not helpful in the least.  Plus, do you think that someone who hears those replies is going to be willing or even have the desire to confide in others in the future?

I had an experience earlier this year in which my oldest daughter (10 years old) was triggered by something that led her to tell me, with tears in her eyes, "I miss my birth mom."  I have to admit that my first reaction was to think, "But how can you miss her when we don't even have a very open relationship with her?"  [What I mean by that is if a child has a very open relationship with their birth parents and sees them on occasion then it would make sense for them to say "I miss my birth mom or birth dad." But what about situations where the adoption is closed or only semi-open?  How can they "miss" someone if they don't even have a face-to-face, personal relationship with them?]

I kept my thoughts to myself and consciously focused on my daughter's needs.  I recognized that this issue wasn't about me but about her.  

Some of the things I could offer up my daughter as I listened to here were "I'm sorry you're feeling that way." and "You know, I've never been adopted so I don't know what it's like to feel what you're feeling- I bet it's hard."  Later, she used that line with me and said, "You've never been adopted so you don't know how I feel!"  I suppressed a smile and agreed wholeheartedly.

I also admit that I have not always handled my reactions to my children's concerns as well as I would like.  Because who likes to see their kids suffering, right?  Sometimes it's not so much that I want to take away their suffering as that I want to "fix" the root of their suffering. So, since we're speaking about adoption related issues, I have on more than one occasion told my oldest daughter when she's expressed curiosity/loss about not knowing who her birth father is, "Well, at least you were adopted domestically and you know at least one of your birth parents.  Some kids who were adopted internationally or who were raised in an orphanage might not even know who either of there birth parents are!"  My intent in saying that was to get my daughter to look on the bright side and frame things in a positive way- but really, as helpful as my intentions could be, to tell any adoptee to "look on the bright side" could be very invalidating and translated to mean, "Your loss isn't that bad- it could be worse."  Again, not helpful to someone who is hurting.

I listened to my daughter and let her own her feelings but I have to admit- I still kind of wanted to "fix" things and make them all better- or if not making things "all better" at least doing something proactive about the situation.  I did offer up a suggestion that she write a letter to her birth mother. She was very excited to do so but I did oversee her and looked over the letter to make sure it was fairly neutral with content about what she's been up to lately, how school is going, etc. rather than asking "Why did you place me for adoption?"   That is a delicate and complicated question which will inevitably come up, but it is best to wait for her birth mother and her to have that conversation together in the future.  

Now here's the tricky thing about navigating open relationships with birth parents: As an adoptive mom I can invite and share with my children's first families all that I want (or conversely, restrict contact between my children and their birth families), but I can never FORCE a relationship.  In my oldest daughter's case, her birth mother has been very respectful of our boundaries and as the role my husband and I have as M's parents.  We don't feel threatened sharing a child with her or feel that we are any "less" M's parents because she has another mom.  However, sometimes for my daughter's sake I wish that our semi-open adoption were a bit more towards the open side- which is funny because a decade ago the thought of having to share a child with another set of parents really bugged me and kind of freaked me out!

Long story short: M sent the letter to her birth mom (an actual old-fashioned letter mailed with a stamp- not just an email) and since the ball was in her birth mom's court now- so to speak- we just had to wait and see how things were reciprocated.  It was heartbreaking to witness M eagerly look forward to receiving a letter back in the mailbox day after day when none came.  The puzzling thing to me was that M's birth mom messaged me and told me how much she appreciated the letter and that she would be sending a reply.  But the reply was postponed and weeks turned into months.  Later, M's birth mom messaged me again and confessed that the reason she hadn't sent anything was because she was "struggling with the words to say".  Totally understandable!

The good news is that M's birth mom did eventually send a letter including some beautiful pictures of her family.  (The resemblance between M and her biological half-sisters is always fascinating for me to see).  I don't need to go into more details because that is M's and her birth mother's story to share. Needless to say, I was very relieved for my oldest daughter that her contact with her birth mom was both welcome and reciprocated.  What a relief for me and what a blessing for my daughter.

Adoption Mommy Wars: International vs. Domestic, Newborn vs. Older Child, Foster Care vs. Private

Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas while my husband and I were out shopping, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t we just adopt a child from Syria?”  His statement was due, in large part, to the current and ongoing refugee crisis and a result of reading and viewing horrific news almost daily about families forced to flee their homelands for safety.  My husband obviously knows that there’s no such thing as “just” adopting, but he was expressing his solution to a need.

“It’s not that easy," I began, “to adopt a refugee child.”  I continued to share what I have learned over the past couple of years on the topic:

‘It’s actually against U.N. Regulations to adopt refugee children from many countries because there has to be proof that no relatives exist.  That is a process which could take years.”

I continued, “The purpose of fostering unaccompanied refugee minors, however, is not to adopt but to help the youth adjust to a new culture, learn the language, and basically learn whatever skills are necessary for them to live independently as an adult.”

I purposely stressed the word “fostering” because providing refugee foster care is a topic I have discussed with my husband on more than one occasion over the past couple of years.  More than once I have contacted the director of an agency in my state which contracts with Catholic Community Services to provide foster homes for unaccompanied refugee minors.  I grilled the director with many questions about the requirements and training process to become a foster home and even the backgrounds of the youth who are available to foster.  This director was gracious and more than happy to answer all of my questions.

After much discussion, my husband and I decided that although fostering unaccompanied refugee minors is something that we would like to do in the future, for various reasons the timing is not right for our family right now.

My husband became angry after my response about not being able to adopt refugee children so easily.  He wasn’t angry at me, mind you, but at the inequality which some people (namely refugees and orphans) must face.  He retorted with a rhetorical question: “Then what good is it for a child to languish in an impoverished camp when there are homes who are more than willing to take them in?!”  Sometimes I wish more people were like my husband- when he sees someone in need or marginalized in some way he becomes very driven to make the situation fair.   

It was ironic that the month my husband and I had our aforementioned discussion was December- Christmastime- and there was also a feature story in Time Magazine about the lives of four different babies born in the war-torn region of Syria.  There will be further issues which follow up on how each baby and their families are faring.

Below is one of the covers of the magazine and I specifically remember that as I saw the picture I couldn’t help but think about another little baby boy from the Middle East wrapped in swaddling clothes over 2,000 years ago whose family was turned away because there was “no room in the inn.”

Doubtless there may be some reading this post who are thinking, “But why are you worried about children from across the world when there are hundreds of thousands of children right here in the U.S. foster care system who need homes?”  This brings me to an observation I’ve made about some members of the fostering/adoption/orphan care community (and I have to admit, I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself at times):

I've noticed that sometimes people feel so passionately about a cause that they assume everyone should feel the same way- or perhaps they feel that a cause they are drawn to should take precedence over other similar causes. Of course this happens in a very general sense with a variety of issues but what I’m talking about specifically is those who have fostered or adopted from foster care and feel that their route to helping children or adopting is more noble or worthy than, say, a private domestic adoption.  Or those who are so concerned about orphans around the world that they push for international adoption but don’t focus on foster care adoption.  Which cause is “right” or "wrong”?  

In my opinion, anytime someone feels inspired to help another human being [especially children- who are the most vulnerable of humans] then it is a worthy cause.  Period.   Therefore, domestic adoption is right.  International adoption is right and worthy.  Foster care adoption is a right and worthy pursuit as well.  It’s not a contest or debate between which cause is worthiest or which way is best.  I do, however, feel strongly that certain individuals feel “called” to very specific types of adoption based, among other things, on what is best suited for their family.  Allow me to share an example:

I have a friend who is a mother to six children- more than one of her children has special needs (including Down Syndrome) and two of her children were adopted.  This friend, Rebecca, has become a huge advocate not only for adoption but for special needs adoption because of her family’s experiences.  I might add, her adopted children are a different race than her biological children so she’s well versed in the complexities of inter-racial adoption issues as well. I was delighted to learn that Rebecca is in the process of adopting an older child with special needs from China.

A major motivation for Rebecca advocating for the adoption of special needs children in China is the realization that many of these kids with special needs (which covers a huge definition and range of circumstances) run the risk of aging out of their orphanages as young as 14 years old and then they are left to live in an institution.  If these same children were able to live in the United States or another country they could have access to so many services not available to them, not to mention they could live in a FAMILY rather than an institution for the remainder of their lives.

Back to the point of this example: Shortly after Rebecca publicly announced her family's plans to adopt from China (Rebecca’s sister is also in the process of adopting an older child from China- how neat is that?!) she answered a Frequently Asked Question because she has learned from her experiences that people are bound to make judgments.  Although I love Bek’s humor and frankness in answering the question, I also thought it was very sad that she even had to say anything explaining or "justifying" her family’s plans to adopt:

Q. Why China? Aren't there enough kids in America that need homes? (unspoken, and sometimes spoken- "that seems selfish").

A. (Unspoken, sometimes spoken). None of your business! Actually, as Mak and her family are learning, being an "out loud" family means questions or comments are part of the package. Teaching moments abound. Why China? I don't know. Really. One year ago I had never spent ten seconds thinking about China. Every family is different. For my family, that's where our kid was.

I don't know any family that goes into adoption without thinking long and hard about what works for them. It's pretty personal. I know some people who have always dreamed of adopting from there. I bought a bubble blower that I happened to hand to a boy. A few other factors for us is that we live in a place that has lots of mandarin speakers, restaurants and close friends who are Chinese. Our boy won't lack for people to help him transition. Our cousin lives in our apartment and is not only the best auntie around, she also speaks mandarin!

And.. there ARE lots of kids in our country that need homes. If you have seven hours I can have that conversation with you. Kids in our foster care system often have lots of trauma before they are available for adoption. Not everyone is equipped to parent that kind of need. And the very last thing that is good for kids is to have a placement disrupted because no one was properly prepared. So, if you are going to float that question with anyone (especially me) the first thing I will ask you is either how many kids from foster care that YOU are adopting or I will ask something very intimate about your sex life. Like a person’s sex life, choices on building a family belong only to the people involved. Mostly, people are curious. And that's ok! It's fun though to play around with the crunchy people.

I happen to feel very passionately about foster care.  There is such a need for good foster homes.  However, I would never pressure anyone into fostering because it’s hard work and it’s not for everyone.  But like I mentioned before, I have been guilty myself of judging others for not recognizing the need of providing children in the United States with temporary or permanent homes.   Allow me to share one example:

A couple years ago a dear friend of mine visited Africa as part of a humanitarian trip.  As part of the services rendered she was able to visit an orphanage.  She immediately fell in love with the children she saw, especially those with special needs who could benefit greatly from advanced medical care and early intervention services available in the U.S.  Before returning home from her trip she confided in me that, as crazy as it sounded, she wanted to bring home one of the babies from the orphanage to adopt- Literally.

Of course, when I heard of my friend's plans I was like, “Whoa, Nellie!  I know you have contacts over there, but what agency do you plan on going through?  Is it a Hague Accredited Agency?  Otherwise, you could legally run the risk of human trafficking regardless of how worthy your intentions might be.  Adoption isn’t a process like picking out a puppy from a pound and taking them home.  There is a LOT of paperwork involved, research, and how are you going to get a home study approved so fast and background checks for all members of your family?”

My friend is extremely compassionate so her desire to bring relief to the orphans she interacted with came as no surprise to me.  After all, who wouldn’t be moved to bring home a child from an orphanage after visiting, right?  It was the way my friend was approaching the situation, rather than her desire to help, that concerned me. And here’s where I started to feel somewhat judgmental towards my friend (because I’m human and not perfect).  I thought to myself, “If she wants to adopt a child or provide an environment and opportunities to a child that they would not have otherwise why is it that she has to go halfway around the world to do that?  There are literally over 100,000 children in the U.S foster care system legally freed for adoption who would benefit from being in her home and in her family.  Are these kids not exotic enough or special enough?”

Fortunately, I recognized that I was being judgmental and so I settled down and just left it at “That’s AWESOME that she had a life-changing experience.  She wants to make a difference.  Good for her!”  And, in case you’re wondering, she didn’t end up adopting an orphan but she does have additional humanitarian trips planned in her future because of her experiences.

My point in sharing these stories and experiences is that it really is rather silly to argue about which path to adoption is best or most needful.  Every family or individual’s decision to adopt is a very personal one.  It’s kind of like- [going back to the plight of refugees, as I first started off my post]- when I see people getting into heated political arguments about “Which is better- to use our tax money to support homeless veterans or to provide relief for refugees?”  My personal feelings is that it’s not an either/or situation- how about BOTH!

So the next time you hear someone expressing a view (or you find yourself expressing a viewpoint) about which is “better/more needful”- adopting a child from another country, adopting domestically, adopting an infant, or adopting an older child- perhaps we can remember that ALL of them are wonderful options!

Post-Adopt Challenges

(A continuation from my last post)

Sometimes when you have so much on your mind that you realize you are already at 900+ words, you start a new post as a continuation and the introductory paragraph is the concluding paragraph from your last post:

Dealing with birth parent visits, court hearings, home visits by caseworkers, and extra paperwork at medical and dental appointments are issues that I don’t have to worry about anymore since we adopted our two youngest children from foster care.  But that does not mean that the “work” is done or that the hard parts are completely over.  Rather, I have found that there is a continuation of work and dedication in meeting the needs and issues that my children and I will face.  

We adopted our two youngest children from foster care two years ago- after they had been living in our home as our foster children for over a year and a half.  In the past two years I have discovered at least two major areas of “work” that continue on their behalf and one area of “work” that I have acknowledged in myself:

•     Their relationship, identity, and contact with their Birth parents
•    Seeking Post-Adoption Support and services for new diagnoses
•   Grieving Over/Processing my own Losses regarding their histories.

My Children’s relationship, identity to, and contact with Their Birth parents

Hypothetically speaking, even if a child was adopted at birth and the adoption is closed does that mean that the child will never have questions about or a longing for their birth parents?

Even if a child is “too young” to understand, adoption does that mean that their adoptive parents should not share information with the child about their birth parents and how they joined their family?

I suppose these two questions are rhetorical as well, because in my humble opinion, children deserve to know about their history- from the very beginning- even if there are some not-so-happy elements about it.  With this in mind, I am still learning to navigate exactly how much to share with our youngest two children about their first family and their birth parent's histories.  It’s a little easier to share our oldest daughter’s history with her as her birth mother chose us from the very beginning to be her parents.

In the case of foster adoption, birth families have no choice of who ends up adopting their children (if relatives are not an available option).  In addition, continued contact with birth family is not always in the best interest of the children for safety reasons- hence the reason for removing the child from their first family in the first place.  Such a heartbreaking situation on many levels.

In the case of our youngest children it’s also complicated when one birth parent has chosen to no longer be in their lives and the other birth parent would like a relationship with them but is not always accessible.  On my part I can always send pictures and hope that they are received even if I don't get a response back.

Seeking post-adoption support and services for new diagnoses

I could probably write two or three posts alone on this particular subject.  Instead, let me just pass on a few observations about post-adoption support, particularly in cases of foster adoption:

1) If you have adopted from foster care, you should have a post-adopt worker assigned to you.  If you don’t know who that is, contact the state or agency you went through!  Although I have only spoken with our post-adoption worker once over the phone, I was very impressed with her willingness to help me find the resources I needed.

2) In addition to your post-adoption worker, other foster parents who have adopted are often the best source of support.  Case in point: I had a question/concern about the best ways to get one of my children settled down for sleep at night and to sleep through the night.  Sleep issues are not uncommon for foster parents to deal with but this particular issue was slightly different than other cases I have dealt with (again- I may explore this issue in another post).  I posed a question to a private, online forum of foster parents and I not only got some great advice within a matter of minutes from parents of children with similar backgrounds/diagnoses to my child’s but I felt so VALIDATED in my frustrations about dealing with this particular issue.

 Children are placed into foster care because of abuse and neglect.  Many times this abuse/neglect or domestic violence is amplified by substance abuse problems.  Therefore,

3)  it is VITAL when caring for children in the foster care system to be prepared for issues in the child’s development specific to trauma and exposure to drugs.  I think it is also safe to say (although I can only think of one specific statistic- see graphic below- off the top of my head) that children in foster care are disproportionately at risk as compared to their counterparts not in foster care for mental health diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD, ADHD- and even ODD, RAD, or Sensory Processing Disorder.

     Now here’s the thing about dealing with diagnoses or issues specific to children in foster care: In pre-service training our trainer did a good job of teaching us what kind of behaviors or issues we might expect in the children who came through our home.  However, it’s kind of like when you get a placement or even AFTER an adoption has been finalized, you find yourself dealing with an issue or behavior and you realize, “Okay, they told us this might happen, but what exactly do we do about it now?   What services are available for this child and where can I learn more about how to effectively parent in this situation?”   This is where post-adoption support and reaching out to other foster-adoptive families can be so beneficial!  

For general post-adoption support resources, click below:

http://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/parenting-support/for-adoptive-parents

To search for information from a particular state, click below:

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-assistance/?CWIGFunctionsaction=adoptionByState:main.getAnswersByQuestion&questionID=7

Grieving/Processing My Own Losses Regarding my Children’s Histories

     I've focused this post on meeting the needs of my children and seeking out support, so I will save this last particular issue for a different post.

Don't Take Knowledge of Your DNA for Granted!

From the time she was very little, many people have told me that my oldest daughter shares many of my mannerisms and facial expressions.  Although we do share certain traits or even looks- as parents and children  often do- she doesn't have my hair color or eye color.  She definitely gets those from her birthmother. 

My youngest children happen to both be blonde, blue eyed, and fair-skinned- like me- yet they don't get that from me either.  My little boy not only shares my sensitive skin, but a sometimes overly sensitive and cautious spirit, and a propensity to allergies and autoimmune issues with me.  His little sister, on the other hand, has always been much more carefree and impulsive by nature.  And when I use the term "by nature" I mean it quite literally as I can see much of her birthmother's personality in her: wanting to do whatever is the most fun or adventurous at the moment despite the consequences that follow. 

I was able to get to know the birthmother of my two youngest children over the course of a year and a half when they were in our care as our foster children.  I knew our youngest daughter's medical history from the beginning since we brought her home from the hospital as a newborn.

However, there were some questions about my son's first year of life and medical background to which I didn't have answers.  There have been more than one assessment and a few medical questionnaires/exams for my son where I honestly couldn't answer all the questions on a form or from a health professional, such as "Does this child have a family history of deafness?"  "Was this child full-term gestation at birth?"  "Was the birth vaginal or Casearean?" 

I would have to leave a big question mark for the answer or hesitantly answer, "I . . . don't know." because I honestly didn't know.

In fact, I don't think it was until my son had been living with us for almost a year as our foster child that I was able to learn about his birth history from his birthmother.  Unlike his preemie sister, it turns out that he was born full-term (overdue, technically) and yes, it was a vaginal delivery.  I felt a little intrusive for asking such personal questions but it was a necessity.  You see, when Jack was just a toddler he ended up in the hospital after a couple of visits to the E.R. to be treated for a somewhat rare and potentially serious (but fortunately very treatable) autoimmune disease.  Although Jack's birthmom was always invited, she rarely showed up for his other doctor's appointments and medical check-ups.  However, the gravity of the situation really scared her and she did all in her power to be by her baby's side during his time in the hospital.

The first couple of days that Jack was in the hospital a team of doctors were trying to assess his symptoms and come up with a correct diagnosis.   Something was definitely wrong with him- it was just a matter of finding out what it was so that he could be properly treated and find some relief.

The team of doctors and interns would speculate and debate about a diagnosis: "It could be this, but then again, it could be this."  Nothing could be done but more tests, more observation, and more waiting.  With all the uncertainty it was extremely helpful, and I might add, quite a relief, to have Jack's birth mother and birth grandmother be at the hospital when they could to help fill in the gaps about questions regarding his family medical history since I sure couldn't.  Sure- after working with them for over a year I would have been able to tell the doctors about my foster son's birth parents social histories, mental health histories, heck- even their criminal backgrounds-  but as far as complete family medical histories- which was precisely what was needed at the time- I just. didn't. know.

Knowing your family medical history is not only helpful but can literally be a life-saver in some cases.  Unfortunately, parents with adopted children don't always know their child's family medical history if the adoption is closed and/or if the child's birth parents and relatives are deceased or cannot be contacted. 

One possible solution to such a dilemma is DNA testing.  The technology is WAY above my head and I am baffled about all of the discoveries that can be made about someone simply by analyzing their spit in a little tube!

I loved this clip which I saw just this month:



DNA Testing not only reveals a person's ethnic heritage, but also gives clues to which medical conditions they may have a predisposition towards.  Because I'm not adopted, I have always known my family medical history (or at least been in a position where I can simply ask my mom or dad which diseases or ailments run in our family OR learn that info from another family member).

Consider this example:

"Mary- if you ever find yourself in an emergency room with crippling pain- maybe even so bad you think you might be having a HEART ATTACK- be sure to tell the doctors that you have four sisters and a mom who have all had their gallbladders removed."  

That was my sister's advice to me years ago after undergoing surgery to have her gallbladder removed.   And since my sister is a nurse as well she used the occasion to educate me about the risk factors for gallbladder problems- the Four "F"s: female, forty, fat, and fertile.  I still remain the only one of my mother's daughters who hasn't had to have my gallbladder removed (Knock on Wood).  I joke that it is because, unlike my four sisters, I don't share the risk factor of being fertile.  I guess you could say that is one instance where my infertility has actually worked to my advantage.

Perhaps I will never have gallstones as my mother, sisters, many cousins, and a few nieces have- but it's good to be aware that it runs in my family just in case it does happen.  My mom has always told us that any stomach problems we may have- including gallbladder problems, acid reflux, indigestion, polyps, and, unfortunately, stomach cancer, come from her side of the family.  I have my dad, on the other hand, to blame for my sinus and allergy problems.   Thanks a lot, Dad!  

But it's not just medical conditions or strictly biological traits that I have inherited from my parents. Just as I have blue eyes like my dad I've also inherited his love of books and learning.  Although it's hard to tell if it's a matter of nature or nurture I'd like to think that I get my love of children, the ability to see humor in situations, and the natural ability to make others feel welcome and at ease from my mother.

Aside from knowing one's medical family history discovering one's ETHNICITY and HERITAGE is another miracle of DNA testing.  Both of my parents happen to love family history so I am fortunate to have access to copies of their numerous genealogy charts, family histories, documents and a few pictures which have been passed down through the generations. 

As for my heritage, I have always been particularly proud of my Scottish lineage.  When I hear bagpipes- I kid you not- I feel a physiological change take place inside of me and I'm immediately filled with a sense of both pride and reverence.  I am also proud to be English, Welsh, and Manx.  (And here's a confession in case anyone's not familiar with the term "Manx"- I didn't even know where the Isle of Mann was until my dad taught us about one of our revered forebears and his life's experiences.)

Much of my ancestry is what some might characterize as boringly British (don't get me wrong- I love the British Isles- and am particularly fond of English literature and history, but it just seems like Brits are just so WHITE and un-exotic).  Therefore, I was ECSTATIC to learn through my father's research on his lines, that I have African heritage (albeit South African) and even a very teeny-tiny small percentage of Bengal Indian in me!

I know these parts of my identity and can celebrate them because they've been passed down to me.  But not everyone- whether adopted or not- does know their heritage or ethnicity.  Once again, a solution to this is DNA testing.

Although I've never taken any DNA tests before, I know that Ancestry.com offers DNA testing kits for $99 which is less expensive but perhaps less extensive than DNA testing from 23andme.  I have also heard that Ancestry.com offers half-price specials around the Christmas holidays and have known of more than one adoptive parent who has bought a kit for their child for the sole purpose of discovering their ancestry.

DNA Testing or tracing your family history through research are definitely something to look into for anyone who wants to discover their roots!