Six weeks ago tonight our oldest daughter, “Em” made the
decision to leave our home and go live with her birth mom. Since then Em has joined us a couple of times
for family celebrations and last week she let us take her out to ice cream after
her choir concert (which has been tradition), but other than that she has not expressed
any desire to return back home.
Occasionally I still find myself automatically setting Em’s place
at the table and then the realization hits me and I slowly put the plate and
silverware back. I still text her quite
regularly as well- just to check up on her, occasionally to nag her about a
missing assignment (because that’s my job and I just want her to graduate from
high school at this point!), and sometimes just to share a silly meme. Much like when she was living at home, sometimes
she’ll respond and other times she’ll just ignore my texts. I finally got out our Halloween decorations a
couple of weeks ago and came across a cute little cloth ghost she made as a
pre-schooler. I immediately texted her, “Remember
this?!” That time she actually responded back in the affirmative.
When we were at Em’s choir concert last week I realized I didn’t
know any of the songs her class would be performing as she hadn’t been
practicing at home like she normally would have been. Little things like that make
me feel a tinge of grief. A few more
people in our neighborhood and church congregation have now heard the news that
she’s not at home anymore and those close to me have expressed their
condolences. As for Jack and Jill, they
have each reacted a little differently to their older sister being gone. One weekend Em told us she might stop by and
spend an evening with her brother and sister, but then she decided not to. When Jill find out she wasn’t coming after
all she said “It’s kind of stupid how she cares more about her birth family
than the family she’s been living with her whole life.” Jack pretends like he doesn’t care, but I know
that deep down he does. She actually
spent the night when it was his birthday and we got home from dinner later- and
then she went back to her birth mom’s the next day. Jack told us “I slept a lot better knowing
she was home.” Then on the weekend when
he was looking forward to playing video games and hanging out with her but she
changed her mind he just tried to casually brush it off and said something like “She just doesn’t care about me
anymore.” One thing I’ve been reminded
of with teenagers is that, like preschoolers, they can be so egocentric.
As for Em’s birth mother- I still haven’t heard one word
from her. Not one phone call or text to
me to tell me “Hey- she’s doing alright.” Nothing.
On days when I’m not so angry or resentful I think “I get it- she’s
trying to make up for 18 lost years” because I generally try to give other
people the benefit of the doubt. But I’ve
also learned over the past couple of years of opening up this adoption that Em’s
birth mother has never really grieved placing Em. She never went back for counseling
through the agency we used. She had
another baby girl about a year and a half after Em was born- whom she parented-
and now has partial custody of. When my
husband and I and Em’s birth mom were initially figuring out boundaries and how
often she and Em would be getting together in person we soon learned that Em’s
birth mom was approaching it as if it was a shared custody/coparenting
arrangement (as she has with her other children) rather than respecting the
preferred boundaries that my husband and I had set as Em’s parents.
I’d like to think that if I had another person’s child in my
care I would encourage them (even if say, they had run away) to call their
parents and let them know they’re doing okay.
If they wouldn’t I would certainly reach out to the parents and let them
know- “Don’t worry- they’re in good hands.
They’re safe.” That’s one thing we’d try to do with the birth
parents of babies and kids we fostered over the years because I can’t imagine
the loss and worry or even guilt they might be feeling- regardless of the
reason their child ended up in state custody.
We’d try, through our actions, to let the birth families know “Hey- we’re
not trying to take your child. But we
promise they will be safe and loved until they come back to you.”
The relationship between my husband and I and Em’s birth
mother has turned into more of a competition rather than working together with
the best interest of a child at the center.
I feel like we’re the “mean” parents who make sure Em has done her homework
or cleaned her room while Em’s birth mom is the “fun” weekend parent who gets
to take her to Disneyland or to do fun things without any real parenting or
discipline involved. I don’t know how
long the “Honeymoon period” is going to last, but Em did mention to us, the night
of her choir concert, that her birth mother recently told her (when she was
encouraging her to get a job or something) “Well, when I was your age I had a
baby AND a job, so I don’t have much sympathy for those who don’t work!”-
something to that effect. My husband and
I were trying so hard to bite our tongues and make “Well maybe don’t drop out
of school and sleep around!” come out as nicely and constructively as possible
for the sake of teaching our daughter. We
sincerely try not to talk smack of any of our children’s birth parents in front
of them- but considering their histories and how our children have been
affected as a direct result of their actions- sometimes it’s so hard not to!
Most of the time I obviously really miss Em. But I can’t deny that about a month ago I was
extremely angry at her (and didn’t hold back expressing my feelings about it)
when I realized she didn’t spend the night at her birth mother’s house- and
then lied to me about it. She turned off
her location sharing on her phone* for a while after that because I was being “creepy”
trying to check up on her. Admittedly, my
biggest motivation for tracking her is to make sure she makes it to school
every day. Fortunately, my husband convinced
her to turn her location sharing back on so that I can see where she is for her
safety.
*Technically it is our
phone because we’re the ones paying for it.
We’ve gone back and forth wondering if we should take possession of her
phone (and IPAD) now that she’s an “adult” and doesn’t need us anymore, but we’re
pretty sure if we did her birth mom would just get her new ones and we want to keep
the lines of communication open.
Em is always more than welcome to come back home- but she is the one who has to want it first.
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