Congratulations, It's a Cyst!

I would venture to guess that when most women go in for an ultrasound it is to determine the size and sex of the baby growing inside of their womb. This has not been the case with me thus far.

I have had three ultrasounds in my life. The first one was on my knee following a car accident when I was 18- Fortunately, nothing was wrong.

The second ultrasound was on my "female parts" over two years ago. That ultrasound revealed that I had some ovarian cysts and a polyp on my uterus. Consequently I had surgery to confirm that these growths were caused by endometriosis.

My most recent ultrasound was last month. After putting up with considerable pain and cramping which has just gotten worse over the past three or four months my husband finally urged me to make an appointment with my OB-GYN. I kept putting it off because going to the gynecologist is my LEAST FAVORITE THING TO DO!

My doctor gave me an exam and ordered an ultrasound as she suspected my endometriosis is growing back. Unfortunately, the news I received at Ultrasound #3 wasn't "Congratulations, It's a Girl! or "You're Having a Boy!" but rather, "It looks like you have another endometrial cyst on your ovary."

The GOOD NEWS is that endometrial cysts are non-cancerous and they can be removed. The disappointing news is that there's not a tiny baby growing inside of me but rather a pain-causing nuisance.

My doctor discussed my options with me: Since the pain is interfering with my life (I'm not in pain every single day, but about half of the time) I can:

OPTION # 1) Go on a medication which would cause me to go into early menopause.
No thanks, I'd rather wait to go through menopause when Mother Nature actually plans for me to go through menopause! Furthermore, if I go through an early menopause I won't be able to get pregnant.

MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS TICKING! I just turned 35 and although I've been told that there is no reason aside from endometriosis that I shouldn't be able to get pregnant it just hasn't happened yet.

Don't get me wrong, it's not the end of the world if I never have the chance to be pregnant- after all, my husband and I have been very blessed with a beautiful baby girl THANKS TO ADOPTION. But I do think it would be neat to experience a pregnancy and be able to relate to what most women go through in their lifetime. I would actually have something to add to conversations of breastfeeding and epidurals, rather than just sitting quietly and smiling like a silent fool!

OPTION # 2) Go back on birth control.
No thanks, for the same reasons above plus I don't want to deal with any other unnecessary hormonal symptoms- I have enough of that.

OPTION # 3) Surgery. This would at least "clean me out" and make me symptom-free for another three or four years.

I decided to go with surgery which brought up some mixed emotions:
I'm hopeful that this surgery could increase my chances of becoming pregnant BUT
I feel like everyone around me who knows that I am getting this surgery will EXPECT me to get pregnant.

I feel like my body has betrayed me in the past and I have felt like a total failure. Now I feel like if I don't get pregnant after this surgery I won't just be letting myself down, but I will be letting everyone else down as well.

Molly Update/ Family Court 101

This post was originally published in MEM's MEMOS on April 21, 2009.

Here's what happened at today's hearing:

Because there are three different parties involved in this case,

1) Molly & her siblings
2) Molly's birthmother, and
3) The State of Utah/DCFS

there are three different lawyers:

1) Molly and her siblings are assigned a Guardian Ad Liteum (GAL) who represents their best interest,
2) Molly's birthmother is appointed a court-ordered public defender (unless she has the means to hire her own private attorney),
3) and the State of Utah has its own assistant attorney general who represents DCFS.

All three attorneys argued for the same thing: that Molly & her siblings be placed back with their mother ON THE CONDITION that Molly's birthfather have no contact with them. Without going into details, the reason the children came into custody this time was because of Molly's dad. Since Molly's mom did nothing to stop it she was charged with "failure to protect" her children.

Apparently Molly's dad is going to be leaving the state permanently. As long as he doesn't make contact with Molly's mother or her children, they will be able to remain with her.

The judge agreed with all three attorneys, so after spending a week in The Christmas Box House, the children will be reunited with their mother.

Lesson # 3 Continued

This post was originally published in MEM's MEMOS on April 16, 2009.

Wednesday night after returning home from the Christmas Box House my niece showed up to help with the kids. I had dropped M. off at a neighbor’s house before picking Molly and her brother up and when my neighbor brought M. home she was excited to find some new “friends” at our house. M. and Molly got along famously, but it soon became apparent that M. was jealous of Molly’s little brother or the “baby” as she called him.

Thank goodness for an extra pair of hands! A couple hours later my mom and two of my sisters came over. I asked them to pick up some size 3 diapers and two to three gallons of milk from the store on their way over. Molly and her younger brother conveniently wore the same size diapers- size 3- while our once teeny little preemie now wears size 5’s!

My mom was able to spend the night and my sisters stayed until my husband got home. Despite a warm bath (definitely the most traumatic part of the evening for Molly & her brother), clean pajamas, extra pairs of hands for rocking the babies, and dimmed lights & lullabies, all three children were so wound up that they didn't end up falling asleep till after 11 p.m! Molly and her little brother were eager to explore their new environment and when Molly would point to the Nursery Rhyme wallpaper in M's room and smile I almost wondered if she was remembering our house. M. was definitely the most hyper of all three children- she thought our house was “Party Central” and enjoyed showing off not just for grandma, but to her two new friends.

That night can best be described as a big game of “Musical Beds & Musical Babies”. At bedtime my mom and I were sleeping in my bedroom, Molly’s brother was sleeping in the crib in the nursery and Molly was in M’s toddler bed in her room. My husband took M downstairs where they slept in the basement. By the time morning came, however, I was on the floor of M’s room next to Molly, M. was sleeping with my mom, and Jared (bless his heart) took charge of Molly’s baby brother who woke three or four times during the course of the night with a shrieking cry. (We suspect he had an earache as he seemed to do much better when we held him upright). As soon as Molly’s brother started crying it set off a chain reaction in the other children. I think it was hardest on M- as soon as she heard him cry she would cling on to my husband’s neck with a death grip and cry out repeatedly, “Daddy, Daddy- Baby!” She was so confused and I can only imagine how confused Molly’s brother must have been to wake up in a strange new environment without his mother to comfort him.

It was a difficult night to say the least and that was with three caregivers for three children. I imagined what it would be like to go through another night like that without the help of my mom and without my husband being able to stay home from work the next day- which is exactly what he did.

First thing in the morning we called the caseworker and told her that although we were willing to care for Molly and her brother temporarily we realistically knew that we couldn't do it on a permanent basis. She was understanding and asked us if we could keep Molly’s brother until the hearing on Tuesday. “Sure” we said. We were greatly relieved when she expressed her opinion that Molly was “home” and belonged with us even if that meant that her little brother would have to be placed somewhere else.

The next morning M. was excited to discover that her new “friends” were still at our house. She and Molly continued to have a good time playing, jabbering, and giggling with each other, but whenever Molly’s little brother would get close to my husband or I, M. would immediately jump up onto Jared’s lap, hug him tightly around his neck and possessively announce “MY Daddy!”

That afternoon Molly’s younger brother was able to take a long nap before we took them up to the DCFS office to visit their mom. My mom stayed home and watched M. while my husband accompanied me to the visit. (I don’t know how I would have been able to make it to the visit otherwise! I only have two hands and to get two toddlers and one baby buckled into my car and then unbuckled and carried into a building, while carrying at least one diaper bag in addition- would be quite the feat!)

After the visit I briefly met the new caseworker who would be taking over the case and I asked Molly’s mother about her kid’s routines: eating, napping, baths, bedtime, etc. I told her we’d take good care of her kids until Tuesday when everyone would know a little more about what was going on.

On our way home from the visit both kids fell asleep in the car. I stayed with them while Jared ran into the store to buy some clothes for Molly’s younger brother who only had a pair of pajamas and the clothes he was wearing when he was removed from the home. Molly and M. could share clothes for now since they were the same size.

A couple hours after the visit I got a call from the new caseworker. She informed me that she attended a meeting (It was actually a shelter hearing which was required 72 hours after children are removed from their home) where it was decided that the children should NOT have been split up and therefore needed to be brought back to The Christmas Box House. She told me she was sorry for putting me through this and asked if I could bring the kids back myself or if I would like her to come get them. I told her I could bring them back and then hung up the phone.

I was absolutely STUNNED. Although I was able to keep my composure and remain as "professional" and "objective" as possible on the phone with the caseworker I felt like Adam Sandler’s character in The Wedding Singer: Remember the scene the day after Robbie is jilted and his fiancée casually walks up to him and wants to give him an explanation? His reply to her is "That information... really would've been more useful to me YESTERDAY!" That's pretty much how I was feeling.

I immediately broke down as soon as I walked into M’s room and saw all three children happily playing together under my mom’s supervision. My mom was just as shocked and surprised as I was when I told her the news.

Less than 24 hours ago I picked these children up and took them into my home, only to be told that I had to take them back. Yes, it was inconvenient for me, but foster care isn't about ME and my needs (Lesson #10) it's about the children, right? So much for looking out for the child's best interest and reducing the amount of trauma and confusion they have to go through due to multiple placements!

I acted like a chicken running around with its head chopped off as I gathered up their few possessions and got the diaper bag ready. Molly became visibly upset and confused when my mom helped her get her coat on. It was obvious she didn’t want to go anywhere.

When I arrived at The Christmas Box House I could hardly talk between my sobs as I literally “handed them over” to the worker who opened the door for me. Molly’s little brother immediately started crying too and I told the worker I was worried he might have an earache or that he was teething. Molly just looked up at me with a blank stare as I kissed each of their little cheeks and told them good-bye. I returned the car seat I had borrowed and drove home. My husband didn’t even have a chance to say goodbye to Molly.

We would have to wait until after Tuesday’s hearing to know anything further.

MORE UNCERTAINTY and MORE WAITING:

Tuesday evening after waiting on pins and needles, we learned that the judge decided to extend the hearing one more week. Until then, he ordered that the children not be moved again and they remain at the Christmas Box House.

Lesson # 3 Revisited

This post was originally published in MEM's MEMOS on April 16, 2009.

LESSON #3- When doing foster care, EXPECT THE UNEXPECTED!

I first mentioned Lesson #3 in this post. After reading what we went through last week you'll understand the title for this post.

Last week I got a call from DCFS informing me that Molly was back in State Custody.


Remember LESSON #2 from this post?

LESSON #2- Whenever possible, all efforts are made to place foster children with a blood relative. Placement with relatives ALWAYS take precedence over strangers (provided they can pass a background check).

There didn’t seem to be any good possibilities for kinship placements for Molly and since Jared and I had cared for her for nine months and already have an established bond with her, we are given precedence over any other foster families for her placement. But the caseworker tells us there’s a catch: Molly’s baby brother (who was born while Molly's mom was serving a jail sentence- just a month before Molly left our care to be reunified with her parents) was removed from the home and needed to be placed with her as well.

Here’s an addendum to Lesson #2 worth mentioning:

LESSON #2B- DCFS makes every possible effort to keep siblings together after being removed from the home.

The caseworker also informs me that Molly had surgery about a month ago to have a tumor removed near her optic nerve. The GOOD news is that the tumor was benign. The BAD news is that as a result of the surgery, Molly has lost all of the sight in her right eye!

My husband and I talk things over and agree that if taking Molly's brother is the only way we can have Molly back we'll do it. The caseworker calls me back a couple hours after her first phone call with some additional information she’s learned: In addition to Molly's one-year old brother, Molly's five year old half-sister needs to be placed in a home as well. This is the third time Molly's half-sister (same mom as Molly, different dad) has entered the Foster Care System. Evidently she has been living with Molly’s family since her last stay in foster care.

My husband and I discuss the situation further and reluctantly say no to taking all three children. A 24 month old (Molly), a 19 month old (M.), and a 12 month old (Molly's brother) under one roof are going to be a handful. Our car only seats five and it will be crowded enough with three car seats crammed in the back. I'M NOT OCTOMOM and we just don’t have the room!

The caseworker tells us she will continue to look for a foster family who is willing to take all three children. She is eager to place them within 24 hours as they were removed from their home the previous night and had been staying at the Christmas Box House. The caseworker calls us 3 or 4 hours later with news that she's found a family willing to take all three children. "So that's that" we think . . . 45 minutes later the caseworker calls us back in exasperation. She informs us that the family who was going to take the children picked them up, drove a couple of blocks and then turned around to drop them back off after changing their minds about taking them. The caseworker asks if we are still willing to take Molly and her little brother. "Of course."

Wednesday night around dinnertime I head up to the Christmas Box House to pick up Molly and her little brother. When I see Molly I am happy to see her again but heartbroken at the way she looks: she's always been underweight but she seems very frail. Her hair is thin and straggly, like a chemotherapy patient, only she hasn't undergone chemo. She has a bright red vertical scar on one side of her head from the incision of the surgery and her right eye is recessed and droops about an inch lower than her left eye. She still has the same sweet smile and the caseworker is pleased when Molly comes to me after only a brief hesitation. It’s been a year since we've seen each other and I wonder if she remembers me.

I then meet Molly’s baby brother who is the spitting image of his father. I've actually seen him once before when he was a newborn. (The day after he was born my husband and I took Molly up to the hospital to visit with her birthparents and meet her new baby brother. That was about a month before Molly went home.)

There is a year's difference in age between Molly and her younger brother and I am informed that he is not yet walking, but on the verge- just as Molly was when she left our care. As I hoist his chunky body up into my arms I decide that he definitely weighs more than his older sister.

The caseworker tells me that the kids have a visit with their mother the next day. After being handed their scanty belongings, borrowing a car seat, and getting some help settling them into my car I head home. I have no idea how long these children will be in my care- it could be a week, a couple of months, or possibly forever.

The only thing I do know for certain is that there is going to be a hearing on Tuesday to determine if their removal was warranted and if they will be placed back with their parents, with family members, or in another foster home. It’s all up to the judge and the particular judge hearing the case is very lenient in restoring parental rights and prefers placing children with family members rather than placing them in foster homes.

Another Foster Placement?

This post was originally published in MEM's MEMOS on March 27, 2009.

About a month ago I had a very strong feeling that we should accept another placement from the Foster Care System. I didn’t WANT to pay attention to that prompting, but it would NOT leave my mind so I decided to stop ignoring it and take it seriously. I called my husband at work and told him about it. Over the next couple of days we discussed it some more and we prayed about it. We talked about the pros and cons of having another foster child in our home. I even made a long list on paper, and I’ll be quite honest when I say that the “cons” of taking another placement far outweighed the “pros”.

This idea couldn’t have come at a more inconvenient time for reasons I‘ll explain below, but the bottom line is that we feel like it is something we are supposed to do. In fact, the feelings I was having were so strong that I fully expected our Resource Family Consultant (the social worker who is in charge of placing children in your home) to give us a call that day or the next asking if we could take a baby or child.

Yes, we would still like to adopt with LDS Family Services. . . And if we take a child from Foster Care then no birth mother will want to choose us (It was a miracle M’s birthmother did after learning we were caring for a 4 month old through foster care!) Our adoption home study & profile will probably be put on a temporary “hold” if we take a placement. Then again, it could take a couple of years for a birth mom to choose us anyway, so maybe we’re supposed to have a child in our home for a short time before our next child arrives.

Another reason we’re a little wary is because there has been a recent shift in DCFS Policy in terms of placing children. The steps to taking a child into your home for foster care are very similar to adopting a child: Like adoptive couples, foster parents can choose the age, gender, ethnicity, and medical backgrounds of the children they will care for, but obviously foster children are going to have some special needs, namely abuse, neglect, and exposure to drugs and alcohol. In that case, prospective foster parents can choose the severity of neglect, abuse, or drug exposure that the child has had- whatever they personally feel comfortable with.

When the Resource Family Consultant (RFC for short) calls a foster parent about a placement it is their job to tell the foster parents as much information about the child as possible including the reason they are coming into foster care. It’s the foster parent’s job to ask as many questions as needed so that they can make an informed decision about whether or not a placement would work well in their home. If the RFC doesn’t have all of the information about the child (which sometimes happens, because they don’t always know all the details at once) then the foster parent can talk to the Child Protective Services (CPS) Caseworker or the child’s assigned ongoing Caseworker for information. The CPS caseworker is the caseworker who is in charge of actually removing the child from home (with a judge’s approval) and the ongoing caseworker is the caseworker who interacts with the child, the child’s birthparent(s) and the foster parents.

Some people erroneously believe that they have to say “yes” every time that their RFC calls them about a placement. This is not the case.  We have said “no” to placements we haven’t felt right about. I felt a little guilty afterwards and we may have been afraid that we would never get another call again, but we were in fact called again. If a foster parent doesn’t feel right about a placement, then they should not take it- for their family’s sake but most importantly, FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILD! We are dealing with children here, not animals. For example, say somebody sees a cute puppy at the Pet Store. They get all excited and want to buy it and take it home. So they do. But after a couple of months perhaps the puppy grows out of its “cute” stage and starts chewing everything up around the house and the family is sick of cleaning up every time it poops, etc. It’s an option to give the puppy away and find a different home that would be better suited for the dog. But that option does not exist with children because children are not animals.

I can’t even imagine how traumatic it would be for a young child to suddenly be removed from their home, separated from their mommy or daddy, and then sent to live with some strangers in a totally new environment. This is where the recent change in DCFS Policy comes into place. In the past the foster care system actually promoted the idea that foster children should be moved from home to home on a regular basis. This is probably one of the worst ideas if you want a child to have a sense of permanency and stability in their lives- which children desperately need! This is also very damaging to a child’s ability to form healthy attachments and develop a sense of trust.

Basically, the research has shown that the more placements a foster child has, then the more trauma they will experience. Because of these findings, DCFS- in conjunction with the Utah Foster Care Foundation- are trying to reduce the number of placements a child has to go through after removing the child from the home.

According to my understanding, after a child is removed from their home and taken into custody of the State, they usually stay at either The Christmas Box House (which is sort of a non-profit temporary shelter for abused and neglected children) or at a sheltered foster home (a home where people take foster children in at the last minute until a permanent home is found for them).  My husband and I have only had 2 placements since becoming licensed a couple of years ago- our first placement, whom I refer to as Justin, stayed at the Christmas Box House when he was first removed from his home. Then he stayed at another foster home for about six months. Unfortunately, his foster parents decided they were "sick of doing foster care" so they asked that he be moved to a different foster home. Hello, Confusion and Trauma! That's when we got a call asking if we would consider taking a 3 year old boy. We were a bit surprised that our RFC called us because we had requested to have babies only. But after meeting Justin for the first time at his current foster home, I knew that Justin was supposed to be with us.

Our second placement was a baby girl- a four month old, and she stayed at a sheltered foster home for three weeks before she was placed with us. DCFS doesn't generally like to place children under five or babies in the Christmas Box House which is why they usually stay at a sheltered foster placement. But now with this shift in policy, many shelter placements will be done away with because the goal is to move the child from one home environment to another permanent, rather than temporary home environment, as soon as possible instead of "institutionalized-like" care, such as The Christmas Box House.

So how does this effect us as foster parents? Well, it means that when the RFC calls she may have even less information for us about a potential placement. We may be taking an infant or child in our home in the middle of the night, if necessary, and we may not know the extent of abuse or neglect or medical concerns because investigations and health assessments won't even have been completed. This makes us nervous because when we took our previous placements we wanted to know as much as possible about the children. That way we would make an informed decision and be totally committed to the child in our care and prevent any additional trauma to the child through a disrupted placement and another traumatic move.

Although children in foster care are most often reunited with their parents, there is a slight chance that we could be adopting them, too so it's VERY UNPREDICTABLE!

You never know what to expect with foster care and that is perhaps the most frustrating thing about it! But if we're supposed to take another placement, then we will.