Continuing Contact with Christian

I almost always erase text messages within a few days of receiving them in order to keep my inbox from becoming too cluttered. But for the past two months I’ve had a text message saved on my phone: It’s from Christian’s father and he sent it the day my husband dropped Christian off to him for the last time.  It reads:

Thank u so much for everything you all have done, and if you ever want to see (Christian) please let me know.

It’s always nice when parents of our foster children are appreciative of us rather than resentful! Although I’ve been tempted to take Christian’s dad up on his offer of seeing Christian again right away we talked it over and decided that it’s best for Christian’s sake if we hold off on seeing him until he has a chance to become more used to his father as his primary caregiver- they need their own time together to bond and become reacquainted with each other. Plus, we would hate to confuse Christian by showing up and then leaving.

Christian's age is another big factor in deciding how much contact to maintain, too.  We kept in regular contact with our three year old foster son for a bit at his parent's invitation after he was returned to their care because he knew the difference between his parents and his foster parents and he was aware of what was going on, but babies are a bit different than older children in terms of fully comprehending the situation.

I must also admit that it’s not just for Christian’s sake that we’ve decided to wait till we see him again- My little girl has been heartbroken to have to see her foster baby brother and ever-present playmate gone. Although we’ve continued to explain that we were just babysitting and now he is living with his daddy, she still refers to Christian as “my baby”. “But I want my baby to come back!” she pleads with tears running down her face on the hard days.  It makes me feel terribly guilty inside.

Seeing Christian again only to have to say goodbye again would just add to her trauma. To her this loss is like losing a sibling. After all, Christian is the only sibling she’s ever known. I’ve had my hard days, too, but to me the loss of saying goodbye to Christian isn’t nearly as devastating as it’s been for my daughter. Painful- yes, but I’ve been through this twice before and to me it’s more like the loss of breaking up with someone rather than losing a loved one to death. In that regard, not seeing our former foster child right away makes it a little easier for my husband and I to “move on” in the grieving process. 

Saying goodbye to a foster child and deciding how much contact to have with them in the future (if that’s what their parents want) does feel a lot like breaking up with someone: On the one hand, it’s impossible to forget about that person because you’ve spent so much time together so you’ll see something or hear something that reminds you of them and you just can’t get them out of your mind and the memories come flooding back. But on the other hand, you almost want to forget about them as soon as possible because it’s either too painful (or annoying, depending on the relationship) to think about them. Using the “breaking up” analogy, even if one of the parties in the relationship says, “We can still be friends” it’s just awkward and almost like you’d prefer to never see them again just to make it easier because how do you go back to being “just friends” after being more than just friends?

Similarly, it’s hard to go from being a substitute parent to a child 24/7 for several months to having them disappear from your life. (Then again, I’d be lying if I said I miss changing poopy diapers and waking in the middle of the night for feedings) So when Christian’s father says, “You can still see Christian” it’s like hearing “We can still be friends” after a break-up and it feels me with mixed emotions: Of course we’d love to see him again and we’re extremely grateful for the chance . . . but then again, maybe we just need to move on and make it less painful and confusing for everyone involved.

Last week I got another text from Christian’s dad inviting us to Christian’s 1st Birthday Party the next day. I can’t believe he’s already turning one! We couldn’t make it because we had a previous commitment. I texted back and thanked him for the invitation and said we would love to come visit him at Christmastime and bring him a present.

His reply:

Anytime, you took care of my baby and met his needs and I appreciate it so much and in two weeks I’m getting custody. Things are going great.

Another text message I’ll definitely be saving.

Book Review: The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog

I recently used the Lending Library and checked out The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog and Other Stories from a Child Psychiatrist's Notebook by Bruce D. Perry, M.D., Ph.D and Maia Szavalitz.  As a foster parent I found it very resourceful.

I don't want to give away too much but I think that the authors did a great job explaining how children deal with trauma, both physiologically and psychologically, in terms that everybody can understand. 

Two other thoughts:

1)  One sentence alone convinced me that David Koresh is an evil man.  The psychiatrist who wrote this book worked with the Branch Davidian children survivors of the Waco Compound (See Chapter 3)

2)  Holding Therapy is assinine.  (See Chapter 7)  I just don't get it.  The first time I heard the term I thought that "holding" referred to bonding and nurturing as a means of encouraging attachment, not as a means of restraint and force.   

This book was disturbing to read at times but a necessary read which begs the question, Why did I read it?  In answer to that, I'll quote what the author has found in his experiences working with traumatized children:

"In order to appreciate how children heal we need to understand how they love, how they cope with challenge, how stress affects them.  And by recognizing the destructive impact that violence and threat can have on the capacity to love and work, we can come to better understand ourselves and to nurture the people in our lives, especially the children."

"Ultimately, what determines how children survive trauma, physically, emotionally, or psychologically, is whether the people around them- particularly the adults they should be able to trust and rely upon- stand by them with love, support, and encouragement.  Fire can warm or consume, water can quench or drown, wind can caress or cut.   And so it is with human relationships: we can both create and destroy, nurture and terrorize, traumatize and heal each other."   

Book Review: Tell Me Again about the Night I Was Born

Last week as I was replensihing our supply of board books from the local library I came across Tell Me About The Night I Was Born- in board book form!  I had heard of this book, written by adoptive mother (and Activia spokesperson) Jamie Lee Curtis, but I had never actually read it.  

Ironically, the very first page I opened up to happens to be the one that stirs up the most feelings inside of me:

"Tell me again about how you couldn't grow a baby in your tummy, so another woman who was too young to take care of me was growing me and she would be my birth mother and you would adopt me and be my parents "

Midway through that sentence I was immediately overcome with with a flood of emotions ranging from gratitude and love to inadequacy and jealousy.  Although the part about the woman being "too young to take care of me" isn't accurate in our case since M.'s birthmom is only 5 years younger than I and had two other children, the phrase "couldn't grow a baby in your tummy" left me feeling achy and empty inside.  In fact, I was totally caught off guard and I almost burst into tears right there in the library! 

I guess it just goes to show that although I think I've dealt with and accepted my own infertility issues there will probably always be triggers that stir things up inside of me.  One day I may feel like I'm at "acceptance" in the grief cycle and then the next day I may come across something that puts me back at "depression" or "anger".  Proof enough that as wonderful as adoption is, it doesn't "cure" the physical or emotional aspects of infertility.   Does adoption cure childlessness?  YES!

Back to the book. . . M. LOVES it which means I'll soon be adding it to our permanent collection.  Aside from the book having definite appeal to children, I got a kick out of some of the more subtle adult humor the illustrator uses from the names of the books the parents read,  the pamphlet the lady is reading on the airplane, and the labels on the diapers and diaper ointment.

Overall Tell Me Again About The Night I Was Born is a book I think younger adopted children and their parents will enjoy reading together. 

On a side note and as a head's up: You may be overcome with a sudden urge for yogurt each time you see Jamie Lee Curtis' smiling face on the back cover . . . Activia!

"Birthmother" Continued

My thoughts 72 hours after my last post I Call My Child’s Birthmother “Birthmother”

Thank you for all of your feedback and different points of view. You’ve given me a lot to think about.

My intent in asking the questions I posed in my last post was to create an open dialogue between all sides of the adoption triad in an attempt to lead to increased awareness and understanding. Even if we don’t agree with each other we can certainly learn from each other.

With that in mind, here’s what I learned from your comments:

•  Not surprisingly, It’s a toss-up: Of the respondents* so far roughly half found the term “birthmother” to be offensive while the other half found the term to be non-offensive . There is also a definite pattern here . . .

• The women who see the term “birthmother” as degrading are women who placed babies for adoption 20 or 30 years ago, whereas the women who have no problems with the term “birthmother” are those who have placed babies for adoption in the past decade.

• Many of the women who placed their babies for adoption 20 or 30 years ago felt like they were coerced or shamed into doing so. Furthermore, more than one such respondent reported that her baby’s adopted parents had resentment or ill feelings towards her- How terrible!

One conclusion is that birthmothers take a much more active rather than passive role in the adoption process than they did in the past. Thank goodness for reform!

•  It appears that the majority (if not all) of the newer generation of birthmothers have open adoptions and feel valued by their baby’s adopted parents.

One conclusion is that open adoption is not only beneficial for the child but for birthparents as well.

•  Of those who responded who were adopted, none call their biological mothers “birthmother”.

•  NONE of the adopted parents who responded consider the term “birthmother” to be derogatory. This is the case with my husband and I. (Besides, the term “Birthmother” takes up a lot less syllables than “the woman who, after much consideration and prayer, decided it would be in her child’s best interest to make an adoption plan and chose us to be the parents of her child.” Or “The woman whom we honor and revere for her selflessness and mercy in giving us the chance to build our family”.)

•  If I’m not mistaken, all of the adopted parents who responded (except for one who adopted internationally and has a closed adoption) appear to have semi-open to open adoptions.

•  NO MATTER WHAT TERM IS USED SOMEONE IS BOUND TO TAKE OFFENSE. Therefore, the best thing to do, as mrs. r. suggests, is to simply “ask them how they feel about it”.

ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS:

•  I sincerely hope that those of you who have had traumatic experiences from adoption can gain support from one another. Adopted or not, if you view your parents as “monsters” or if your family thought you were “bad” that sounds downright heartbreaking. For those of you who feel like you were coerced or shamed into placing your babies (or coerced and shamed into doing ANYTHING, for that matter) I commend you for speaking out. Your voices need to be heard as awareness is the first step to change.

•  Adoption being an industry solely motivated by money and making more of an effort to help unwed mothers and their children stay together was a common theme in some of your comments. I’ll have to chew on those thoughts for a bit and let them digest before sharing my thoughts on the subject . . . perhaps in a future post.

•  One aspect of adoption [as viewed through the lens of a market economy and supply and demand] which has always been disturbing to me is the fact that the "cost" of children varies by race. Furthermore, how do you put a price tag on a human life in the first place? Awkward subject, but money is a necessity in adoption as medical and legal expenses exist and babies and children aren’t handed out for free (at least the last time I checked).

•  In terms of blame, I think it’s important to separate the actions of people (which can be good or bad) from the institution of adoption itself. I appreciated some of your insights on the matter:

“Adoption is not perfect, but it's not perfect because people aren't perfect.”

“Are there bad adoptive parents? Absolutely! But that's a problem of PEOPLE, not adoption.”

“People are not dysfunctional because of adoption. Adoption can sometimes be dysfunctional because of people. That's that.”

•  I’ve heard adoptive couples and prospective adoptive couples refer to the parent of their child as “our birthmother” and I can see how that either makes it sound like she’s literally the one who has given birth to them- (kind of creepy)- or it implies ownership. I’ll steer clear of that phrase in the future when referring to my child’s birthmother so as not to get anyone confused about my dear ol’ mom.

*I am happy to report that the majority of the comments I’ve received stuck to answering the questions I posed. Unfortunately, not everyone is mature enough to express their opinion without attacking others on a personal level and I’ve also received comments which weren’t able to stick to answering the questions without harassing and judging others. Differences of opinion are inevitable but it becomes very counterproductive when someone has an attitude of “This is how I feel and you should feel this way too. If you don’t then you’re stupid/heartless, etc.”

I refuse to publish comments which are blatantly disrespectful and intentionally hurtful towards other commentors or myself. IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR A PLACE TO FOSTER HATE AND JUDGMENT THEN YOU’RE READING AND COMMENTING ON THE WRONG BLOG. Seek elsewhere.

Christina, in answer to your question I don’t believe anybody’s comments here have implied that you should or should not be bitter. (If I need to delete a comment let me know). Although I didn’t coin the term, my definition of a “meanie” is someone who puts down another person simply because they don’t agree with their beliefs.

On an end note, perhaps my favorite comment so far is one that showed great maturity and was an excellent example of a healthy relationship between birth parents and adoptive parents being united in LOVE:

When speaking of her children’s birthparents Sally Bacchetta said,

"No title or label diminishes either their importance in our lives or mine.  Neither of us is threatened by the other.  That's the power of love."

Thanks for the dialogue- I'm going to bed!

I Call My Child's Birthmother "Birthmother"

Why I call my child's birthmother her birthmother:

Because she gave birth to her. 

Seems simple enough, right?  Apparently not.

Evidently there is a bit of controversy in the adoption world surrounding the nomenclature of women who give birth to children and place them for adoption.  Perhaps I was too naive or idealistic before I adopted for thinking "Why would something as beautiful as creating families through adoption be considered controversial?"

If you don't think adoption is full of controversy, you will quickly discover it certainly is once you've started the adoption process, adopted, or placed a child for adoption.  Better yet, start publicly writing about your experiences and you will most assuredly receive immediate criticism for your viewpoints and experiences- whatever those happen to be. 

 

You may also learn something new about yourself in the process of sharing your story.  For example, apparently my husband and I are selfish "baby-shoppers" as are all prospective adoptive parents- something I was unaware of until I wrote an editorial in my local newspaper.  Who knew!  Furthermore, I am a horrible person for loving my foster children as if they were my own children (which, as one commenter informed me, can cause excess trauma and confusion on the part of foster children).   What can I say- I have a tendency to err on the side of too much love rather than not enough.  Guilty as Charged!

Although adoptive parents and those who have been adopted receive their share of prejudice and criticism, I have found that it is the birthparents and expectant parents who all too often receive the brunt of harrassment and mistreatment from adoption critics. 

What is most disturbing to me is that much of the condemnation heaped upon birthmothers is from other birthmothers who have been in their exact situation and whom you would hope would thus be filled with a greater amount of understanding and compassion. 

Take, for instance, Jill's thoughts on the matter in her recent post Name Calling:

"One of the first things I noticed when I encountered adoption meanies on the interwebs was that many of the birth mom meanies consider the phrase "birth mom" to be the vilest of insults. One compared using it to using the N-word. And I thought, wow, really? Because I've never heard "birth mom" used as a put-down, an slam, an insult, a verbal weapon, or a dressing-down."

"The meanies feel that calling a woman a birth mother is insulting, akin to referring to her as an incubator or a breeder. Again I think, really? The only names that would suggest to me that woman was an incubator or a breeder are ... well, incubator, and breeder.

The meanies would much rather be referred to as natural mothers, first mothers, or original mothers. All three of those make me a little uncomfortable. Because if I'm Roo's natural, first, original mother, what does that make Roo's mama? Unnatural? Second? Unoriginal - an impostor? Pshaw. I don't buy that for a second. Roo's mother is her real, natural, actual mother. I didn't place with a robot or a cardboard cutout."

I've come to the conclusion that the birthmothers who are the most critical of adoption in general are those who placed their babies in an era where open adoptions weren't as prevalent as they are today and/or the agency they worked with used "coercive tactics" (whatever that means) pressuring the prospective birthparent to place for adoption. 

Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't the fact alone that a pregnant woman is consulting an adoption agency or looking at profiles of adoptive parents in the first place attest to the fact that she has thought out her options and is considering adoption?  (Unless, of course, she has no free will in the matter and has been FORCED to place her child for adoption, a hypothetical and highly unethical situation).  But whether the birthparent decides to place or parent their child IT IS THEIR CHOICE so can it really be considered coercive, manipulative or predatory for prospective adoptive parents to address the woman who is considering adoption as a "birthmother"?   Is "prospective birthparent" better?

I've already shared my opinion:  I Call My Child's Birthmother "Birthmother" because she gave birth to her.

What are YOUR feelings on the matter?

If you have placed your child for adoption do you find the terms "birthfather" or birthmother" to be offensive?

If you are an adoptive parent , how do you refer to your child's biological parent(s)?

If you are adopted, what do you call the people who conceived you and gave you birth?