Back to School

I am perpetually behind in my blogging endeavors.  And the most frustrating part about this is that I constantly have three to four posts brewing in my mind at one time which I would love to write down.  But life tends to get busier rather than less busy.  Because of this, I must apologize in advanced because I do not know how much time I will be able to devote to this blog over the next three years as I am going BACK TO SCHOOL!

My husband just (as in weeks ago) successfully finished completing his graduate studies over the past couple of years and now it's my turn!  I was delighted to be accepted into a graduate program of Social Work earlier this year.  I begin my coursework next week and two advantages to my particular program are that it is part-time and the campus is not far from my home so I will still be able to devote my time to being a mom to young children and, perhaps, to taking a foster placement or two.

"So what do you plan on doing with a degree in social work?" some of you might be asking.  Great question!  One thing I can tell you without equivocation is this: I'm not entirely sure yet. 😉

I have always had an interest in social work (although that technically wasn't the field of study I got my undergraduate degrees in) and although child welfare and foster care and adoption are obvious interests to me I have been surprised to learn from LCSWs and students of social work that a degree or license in social work is actually quite flexible.  So, hypothetically speaking, say I did start working in the field of child welfare and got burnt out after a couple of years (Foster parents understand the concept of burn-out- am I right?)- I wouldn't have to stay there forever.  I could switch over to hospital social work or counseling or even teaching, for example.  A generalist approach definitely has its advantages.

I am excited to go back to school- not just to learn but to put into practice the skills I learn and to get some professional experience since part of my degree and licensure completion will certainly involve field work and practicum experience.

BraveLove: Changing the Perception of Adoption

Sometimes It's Hard to Say No

Today I got a phone call from our Resource Family Consultant (the caseworker in charge of working with foster parents to place children in their home).  He was asking me about a child who was a long-term placement possibility that needed a home as soon as possible.  I grabbed a pen and sheet of paper and started taking notes as he informed me of things like:

-sex of the child, age of the child, reason for removal, if the case was headed towards adoption or reunification, how often visits with the child's birth parents would be and at which DCFS office, any previous histories the family has had with DCFS, any medical or behavioral issues with the child, if there are relatives who are possible kinship placements for the child, date of the next court hearing, etc.

Sometimes when I get "the call" our RFC doesn't have a lot of information because the case is still so new or the CPS investigation is just getting started.  In this particular case, our caseworker actually had quite a bit of information on hand and I only had to ask a few clarifying questions for more information.  After I felt I had enough information I told him I'd get a hold of my husband to talk things over and then get back to him as soon as possible.

As soon as possible- that's the crazy thing about fostering!  You volunteer to take a child into your home at a moment's notice- most of the time not knowing if this child will be staying with you for just a week until they can be placed with relatives or for several months or keeping in mind the possibility that this child could become a part of your family permanently if things don't work out with their family.  No pressure, right?

I immediately called my husband, eager to pass on the information to him and get his feelings on the matter.  Of course I wasn't able to get a hold of him right away which just made me more antsy!  In the meantime, I was mentally planning which bedroom this child would sleep in, how I would work out carpool schedule for transporting them to their school, which days would work best for taking them to weekly visits and doctors appointments, etc. 

Eventually I did get a hold of my husband and he gave me his input after I passed on what I knew about the case.  I contacted our RFC with another concern/question which was answered and then talked it over once again with my husband.

An hour and five minutes after first answering the phone about a possible placement I called our RFC back and hesitantly told him "No."  And I felt guilty of course- and a little let down from the previous hour's adrenaline rush and possibilities.  Of course, our caseworker was fine with my answer which he needed right away so that he could move on and find another foster family.

It's not that I can't say "no" to potential foster placements- [cue Ado Annie's I'm Just A Girl Who Cain't Say No for any musical theater fans out there] it's just that sometimes it's so hard to know that there is a child out there who needs a safe and loving home and we have the room but we have to turn them away.  I have said "no" before to placements for various reasons:

-The timing isn't good for our family.  (It's not that anytime is a necessarily "convenient" time to have a foster child placed in your home, but sometimes life can be extra hectic and adding one more major change would not be wise)

-The decision isn't unanimous.  I may feel alright about saying yes to a placement, but if my husband doesn't agree then I need to respect that the same as he would respect if I said "no" even if he felt good about a placement.

-It just doesn't feel "right".   This reason is hard to explain because it's not logical- it's just a gut feeling that, for whatever reason, this placement just doesn't feel right for our family.

-Sometimes we need time to focus on our own children's needs before bringing in any additional children into our home.   I would hate to risk somehow neglecting or overlooking the needs or desires of my own children by focusing so much on someone else's child.  What if one of my children became resentful?  Most of the time our oldest daughter is just fine or even excited about the prospect of taking another foster placement but each child in a family will have differing perspectives.

-There might be a behavior in a potential foster placement that could clash with the needs or safety of our own children.   Pretty self-explanatory.

So, as you can see, there are valid reasons for saying "no" to foster placements.  But it still doesn't make it easier!  My husband is always quick to remind me that if we say "no" there are other families available and that I can't "save them all" (his words).  I also know, deep down, that saying "no" is better than saying "yes" if it could result in a disrupted placement.

Speaking of having a hard time saying "No"- I'm just curious to see if there are any other foster parents/carers out there who happen to be ISFJ's based on Myers Briggs personality inventory.  If so, these traits might seem familiar:

Reflections on the Movie "Lion"

I finally saw the movie "Lion" over the weekend (it's on Redbox) and I highly recommend it.

Here are some of my impressions of the movie:

-There are far too many children all over the world without families.  Poverty plays a huge role in why children become orphaned, as does education.  In the true story behind Lion, Saroo is a young Indian boy who tragically becomes lost and permanently separated from his mother.  Saroo has no choice but to live on the streets.  Saroo's mother cannot read or write and makes a living carrying rocks.  I mention this fact not because it has to do with the cause or reason that they were separated but to illustrate how education and poverty are intertwined and also to give an idea of Saroo's early environment.

- Homeless children- whether from a characteristically impoverished nation or those who age out of foster care in the United States- are at alarmingly high risks for human trafficking.  This is extremely upsetting.

-At the close of the movie Lion, there was a website referenced- http://lionmovie.com/#charity- which  addresses organizations in India working to help missing children.  There was also a staggering statistic cited that over 80,000 children in India go missing each year.  Mind blowing!

-Another organization I have been following over the past couple of years which seeks to combat and rescue child trafficking victims around the world is Operation Underground Railroad.

-One of the most moving lines in the movie is when Saroo tells his mother something to the effect of

"You didn't just adopt us, but our past as well."  Saroo's parents adopt him and later another little boy from India.  I can imagine that adopting an older child would present challenges for any family, but adopting an older child who is coming from a completely different culture and speaks a different language would present some additional challenges for everyone.

SPOILER ALERT (for anyone who has not yet seen the movie): Saroo grew up in India, but was adopted by an Australian couple and grew up in Tasmania.  As a young adult, Saroo struggles with his identity and history and with the aid of modern technology and his own detective work, he eventually makes a remarkable journey to find his birth mother.

-I was relieved and touched by the way Saroo's mother and his first mother respected each other's roles in Saroo's life.

-One of the things that keeps Saroo from telling his adoptive mother about his quest to find his birth family is that he is afraid she will feel hurt or betrayed by his decision.  In short, he has what some might call "divided loyalties" between respecting the family who raised him and a yearning to understand where he came from.  [Refer to Adoptee Grief, Loss, and Identity under Seven Core Issues in Adoption charts.]

-When Saroo's mother hears of his intents to find his first mother her mature reply is (something to the effect of) "I hope you find her and she sees how beautiful you have become."

-After a miraculous and joyful reunion with his first mother Saroo informs his family that his first mother is grateful to them for raising him and she recognizes that, although he didn't start out with him, they are his family.

-I was so touched by the actual footage at the end of the movie of Saroo going back to India, this time accompanied by his mom, and she is able to meet her son's first mother for the first time.  "Sacred" is the most adequate word I can use of to describe such an encounter.

On another note, Nicole Kidman is the actress who plays Saroo's adoptive mom.  This is an interview with her about how the role as an adoptive mom to trans racial children mirrors her own life: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/jan/12/nicole-kidman-lion-adoption-love

And here's the official trailer for the movie:

Adoption Mommy Wars: International vs. Domestic, Newborn vs. Older Child, Foster Care vs. Private

Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas while my husband and I were out shopping, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t we just adopt a child from Syria?”  His statement was due, in large part, to the current and ongoing refugee crisis and a result of reading and viewing horrific news almost daily about families forced to flee their homelands for safety.  My husband obviously knows that there’s no such thing as “just” adopting, but he was expressing his solution to a need.

“It’s not that easy," I began, “to adopt a refugee child.”  I continued to share what I have learned over the past couple of years on the topic:

‘It’s actually against U.N. Regulations to adopt refugee children from many countries because there has to be proof that no relatives exist.  That is a process which could take years.”

I continued, “The purpose of fostering unaccompanied refugee minors, however, is not to adopt but to help the youth adjust to a new culture, learn the language, and basically learn whatever skills are necessary for them to live independently as an adult.”

I purposely stressed the word “fostering” because providing refugee foster care is a topic I have discussed with my husband on more than one occasion over the past couple of years.  More than once I have contacted the director of an agency in my state which contracts with Catholic Community Services to provide foster homes for unaccompanied refugee minors.  I grilled the director with many questions about the requirements and training process to become a foster home and even the backgrounds of the youth who are available to foster.  This director was gracious and more than happy to answer all of my questions.

After much discussion, my husband and I decided that although fostering unaccompanied refugee minors is something that we would like to do in the future, for various reasons the timing is not right for our family right now.

My husband became angry after my response about not being able to adopt refugee children so easily.  He wasn’t angry at me, mind you, but at the inequality which some people (namely refugees and orphans) must face.  He retorted with a rhetorical question: “Then what good is it for a child to languish in an impoverished camp when there are homes who are more than willing to take them in?!”  Sometimes I wish more people were like my husband- when he sees someone in need or marginalized in some way he becomes very driven to make the situation fair.   

It was ironic that the month my husband and I had our aforementioned discussion was December- Christmastime- and there was also a feature story in Time Magazine about the lives of four different babies born in the war-torn region of Syria.  There will be further issues which follow up on how each baby and their families are faring.

Below is one of the covers of the magazine and I specifically remember that as I saw the picture I couldn’t help but think about another little baby boy from the Middle East wrapped in swaddling clothes over 2,000 years ago whose family was turned away because there was “no room in the inn.”

Doubtless there may be some reading this post who are thinking, “But why are you worried about children from across the world when there are hundreds of thousands of children right here in the U.S. foster care system who need homes?”  This brings me to an observation I’ve made about some members of the fostering/adoption/orphan care community (and I have to admit, I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself at times):

I've noticed that sometimes people feel so passionately about a cause that they assume everyone should feel the same way- or perhaps they feel that a cause they are drawn to should take precedence over other similar causes. Of course this happens in a very general sense with a variety of issues but what I’m talking about specifically is those who have fostered or adopted from foster care and feel that their route to helping children or adopting is more noble or worthy than, say, a private domestic adoption.  Or those who are so concerned about orphans around the world that they push for international adoption but don’t focus on foster care adoption.  Which cause is “right” or "wrong”?  

In my opinion, anytime someone feels inspired to help another human being [especially children- who are the most vulnerable of humans] then it is a worthy cause.  Period.   Therefore, domestic adoption is right.  International adoption is right and worthy.  Foster care adoption is a right and worthy pursuit as well.  It’s not a contest or debate between which cause is worthiest or which way is best.  I do, however, feel strongly that certain individuals feel “called” to very specific types of adoption based, among other things, on what is best suited for their family.  Allow me to share an example:

I have a friend who is a mother to six children- more than one of her children has special needs (including Down Syndrome) and two of her children were adopted.  This friend, Rebecca, has become a huge advocate not only for adoption but for special needs adoption because of her family’s experiences.  I might add, her adopted children are a different race than her biological children so she’s well versed in the complexities of inter-racial adoption issues as well. I was delighted to learn that Rebecca is in the process of adopting an older child with special needs from China.

A major motivation for Rebecca advocating for the adoption of special needs children in China is the realization that many of these kids with special needs (which covers a huge definition and range of circumstances) run the risk of aging out of their orphanages as young as 14 years old and then they are left to live in an institution.  If these same children were able to live in the United States or another country they could have access to so many services not available to them, not to mention they could live in a FAMILY rather than an institution for the remainder of their lives.

Back to the point of this example: Shortly after Rebecca publicly announced her family's plans to adopt from China (Rebecca’s sister is also in the process of adopting an older child from China- how neat is that?!) she answered a Frequently Asked Question because she has learned from her experiences that people are bound to make judgments.  Although I love Bek’s humor and frankness in answering the question, I also thought it was very sad that she even had to say anything explaining or "justifying" her family’s plans to adopt:

Q. Why China? Aren't there enough kids in America that need homes? (unspoken, and sometimes spoken- "that seems selfish").

A. (Unspoken, sometimes spoken). None of your business! Actually, as Mak and her family are learning, being an "out loud" family means questions or comments are part of the package. Teaching moments abound. Why China? I don't know. Really. One year ago I had never spent ten seconds thinking about China. Every family is different. For my family, that's where our kid was.

I don't know any family that goes into adoption without thinking long and hard about what works for them. It's pretty personal. I know some people who have always dreamed of adopting from there. I bought a bubble blower that I happened to hand to a boy. A few other factors for us is that we live in a place that has lots of mandarin speakers, restaurants and close friends who are Chinese. Our boy won't lack for people to help him transition. Our cousin lives in our apartment and is not only the best auntie around, she also speaks mandarin!

And.. there ARE lots of kids in our country that need homes. If you have seven hours I can have that conversation with you. Kids in our foster care system often have lots of trauma before they are available for adoption. Not everyone is equipped to parent that kind of need. And the very last thing that is good for kids is to have a placement disrupted because no one was properly prepared. So, if you are going to float that question with anyone (especially me) the first thing I will ask you is either how many kids from foster care that YOU are adopting or I will ask something very intimate about your sex life. Like a person’s sex life, choices on building a family belong only to the people involved. Mostly, people are curious. And that's ok! It's fun though to play around with the crunchy people.

I happen to feel very passionately about foster care.  There is such a need for good foster homes.  However, I would never pressure anyone into fostering because it’s hard work and it’s not for everyone.  But like I mentioned before, I have been guilty myself of judging others for not recognizing the need of providing children in the United States with temporary or permanent homes.   Allow me to share one example:

A couple years ago a dear friend of mine visited Africa as part of a humanitarian trip.  As part of the services rendered she was able to visit an orphanage.  She immediately fell in love with the children she saw, especially those with special needs who could benefit greatly from advanced medical care and early intervention services available in the U.S.  Before returning home from her trip she confided in me that, as crazy as it sounded, she wanted to bring home one of the babies from the orphanage to adopt- Literally.

Of course, when I heard of my friend's plans I was like, “Whoa, Nellie!  I know you have contacts over there, but what agency do you plan on going through?  Is it a Hague Accredited Agency?  Otherwise, you could legally run the risk of human trafficking regardless of how worthy your intentions might be.  Adoption isn’t a process like picking out a puppy from a pound and taking them home.  There is a LOT of paperwork involved, research, and how are you going to get a home study approved so fast and background checks for all members of your family?”

My friend is extremely compassionate so her desire to bring relief to the orphans she interacted with came as no surprise to me.  After all, who wouldn’t be moved to bring home a child from an orphanage after visiting, right?  It was the way my friend was approaching the situation, rather than her desire to help, that concerned me. And here’s where I started to feel somewhat judgmental towards my friend (because I’m human and not perfect).  I thought to myself, “If she wants to adopt a child or provide an environment and opportunities to a child that they would not have otherwise why is it that she has to go halfway around the world to do that?  There are literally over 100,000 children in the U.S foster care system legally freed for adoption who would benefit from being in her home and in her family.  Are these kids not exotic enough or special enough?”

Fortunately, I recognized that I was being judgmental and so I settled down and just left it at “That’s AWESOME that she had a life-changing experience.  She wants to make a difference.  Good for her!”  And, in case you’re wondering, she didn’t end up adopting an orphan but she does have additional humanitarian trips planned in her future because of her experiences.

My point in sharing these stories and experiences is that it really is rather silly to argue about which path to adoption is best or most needful.  Every family or individual’s decision to adopt is a very personal one.  It’s kind of like- [going back to the plight of refugees, as I first started off my post]- when I see people getting into heated political arguments about “Which is better- to use our tax money to support homeless veterans or to provide relief for refugees?”  My personal feelings is that it’s not an either/or situation- how about BOTH!

So the next time you hear someone expressing a view (or you find yourself expressing a viewpoint) about which is “better/more needful”- adopting a child from another country, adopting domestically, adopting an infant, or adopting an older child- perhaps we can remember that ALL of them are wonderful options!