Jill at 12 1/2 Years Old

Jill’s elementary school got a new principal halfway through the year and I am pleased to announce that she has not yet been called to his office.  However, on average, we get about one email a month from Jill’s sixth grade teacher with a report of something concerning that our daughter has said or done that needs to be brought to our attention.  Just yesterday the subject line from her teacher read “Incident yesterday”.  I panic whenever I get these emails and as I proceed to read what happened I shake my head and think “Why would she do that?”  Her teachers must think we’re the worst parents ever to have a child act like that.”

In reality, Jill’s teachers the past couple of years have been very patient.  I think it helps when I am actively involved in going to parent teacher conferences and IEP meetings or, in the past, volunteering when I can so they know I’m not a deadbeat and she doesn’t come from a “broken home.”

Although Jill usually reserves her meltdowns for home she did recently break down at a friend’s house to the point that her friend’s mom contacted me afterwards and diplomatically asked, “How can we best support Jill (and you) the next time that happens?” I appreciated this mom’s approach as I was already feeling on the defensive about how Jill’s behavior might be a reflection of our family life or of my ability to parent.  I gave this mom a little more background on Jill- some of which she wasn’t aware- and that seemed helpful.

Since graduating from her IOP earlier this year, Jill has been getting two different therapies: Play therapy with my husband and I to increase attachment and individual therapy (at her request) with a new therapist who I chose for her specifically because she has experience  working with kids with conduct disorder.  Although Jill has never been officially diagnosed with conduct disorder, I figure some of the symptoms of PDA and autism can be pretty similar.

Unlike me, who am trained in PCIT (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy), Jill’s play therapist is trained in Theraplay, and is the most gentle and patient woman ever- think of if Mr. Rogers was a woman.  Of course, some of the activities have had to be modified to be more appropriate for a pre-teen than a child and it took a bit for this play therapist to get used to Jill’s dark humor when she would say something inappropriate or outright weird.

Jill starts junior high next year and I’m grateful that Jack is just a year older than she is to keep an eye out for her.  They are the only two people in our family who share DNA as full biological siblings, and yet they couldn’t be more different in temperament.  Jack is more like my husband and I- conscientious and fairly responsible (though often forgetful) and pretty mellow, while Jill couldn’t care less what people think of her and she can go from 0-60 in rapid mood changes.  I’ve also learned over the past couple of years that females with autism are more likely to experience PMDD, so that’s gonna make for some extra fun teenage years if that applies to Jill.

One example of how Jill doesn’t care what people think is when I was getting ready for church one morning and I was delighted that she chose to come that day.  I was in the shower and heard some banging and yelling at the bathroom door.  “I’m in the SHOWER- I can’t talk right now- What do you need? Is it an emergency?”  I turned off the water when the yelling persisted and Jill proceeded to say- “Mom- I want to wear a suit and tie to church!”  My enthusiasm at her coming to church that day was immediately deflated and I thought, ‘I can’t deal with this right now.”  I know that it doesn’t matter what anyone wears to church because “The Lord looketh on the heart.” but it’s especially awkward when your husband happens to be the leader of the congregation and you feel (whether accurate or not) that your family is under extra scrutiny.   She ended up wearing a hoodie over her dress that day and hasn’t brought it up again yet.

On a more serious note, Jill has only had one incident of self-harm since graduating from her IOP. She’s not even a teenager yet and I’m aware that things could be so much worse, but boy do we worry about her future. One day Em even confessed to me “Mom- Jill scares me.”  This coming from a sister who is six years older.   I never thought I’d be a parent who would be dealing with some of the issues I’ve dealt with the past couple of years.  It’s been truly humbling.

On that note, I want to give s shoutout to Cheryl Cardall and her Love Like A Motherr nonprofit organization which supports moms of kids with intense mental health concerns.  I discovered Cheryl’s podcast, Fight Like a Mother, a year or so ago and met Cheryl briefly in person at a conference last year.  She oozed sincerity and goodness as I heard her share some of her parenting experiences and I hope that any other parents out there who are experiencing similar parenting challenges can feel like they’re not so alone by the resources she offers.

Em's Moms

I mentioned back in this post that I hadn’t talked to Em’s birth mom since Em left home for 7 weeks to live with her.  Although she’s not living with her anymore, Em still keeps in touch with her birth mom and occasionally will even spend the night if they hang out too late together as Em still doesn’t have her driver’s license and can’t drive herself home.

It wasn’t until an emergency last month that brought Em’s birth mom and I (and my husband) to interact with each other again.  I got a text from Em the night before that she would be spending the night at her birth mom’s after a family party went late.  I admit, I tried to talk her out of going in the first place as she had missed some school that week from being sick and she still seemed pretty run down.  It was a school night that night so my biggest concern was that Em made it to school on time the next day as she is just months away from graduating from high school and she can’t afford to miss any school or get behind in her classes.

The next morning as I was getting my younger kids off to school and getting ready to go to work I checked my phone to see if Em would make it to school on time for her first class (she has enough credits that she can sleep in as a “home release” for her first two classes both A and B days of school which has been beneficial for her emotional and physical health).  “Oh good!” I thought to myself as I saw her location-“they’re headed in the right direction on the freeway for her to get to school on time.”  My husband happened to be working from home that day, and I guess great minds think alike (and/or we’re both naturally overprotective) because a few minutes later he came hurriedly upstairs after he had checked to make sure Em made it to school and asked me with concern in his voice, “Why is Em’s location showing the hospital?  It even looks like it’s in the E.R.?”

My heart started racing and I checked my phone to confirm Em’s latest location and sure enough, her location showed she was at a hospital.  I immediately texted Em and tried calling her but she was not answering.  Of course, emergencies only happen at inconvenient times, so although I normally don’t drive my youngest daughter to school, as soon as I texted Em’s birth mom to find out what was going on I had to drop Jill off at school that morning so that her creative but bulky Valentine’s Day box wouldn’t get ruined on the bus.

“Is Em okay?  I texted. She’s not returning my texts or answering my calls and her location shows the hospital.”  A few minutes later I got the response “No- she’s not.  I was driving her to school and she said her stomach hurt and then she passed out.  I couldn’t revive her, so I took her to the ER.” 

My husband headed to the hospital while I drove my youngest to school while simultaneously using voice command to send messages to my boss and clients that I’d have to cancel appointments for the day due to an emergency- all the while not knowing if it would turn out to be a “big” or a “little” emergency.

After I dropped Jill off to school I began to imagine all sorts of scenarios, and because my mind naturally goes to the worst case, I thought to myself, “If this incident has anything whatsoever to do with drugs or alcohol Em is cutting off ALL contact with her birth mom.”  Em’s birth mom has worked very hard to remain sober, so although it wasn’t a likely scenario, you never know.  I knew the stomach pain wasn’t appendicitis because Em had an emergency appendectomy a couple of years ago.  “Shoot- what if she’s pregnant!” Also highly unlikely for good reasons, but still a possibility.  And then as I was rushing to get to the hospital amid all of my panic and racing thoughts I had the distinct impression come to me that I needed to be gentle and loving towards Em’s birth mom.  I’m not normally a mean person, but my Mama Bear instincts were revving up and I was admittedly annoyed that I was the one who had to reach out to Em’s birth mom first to find out my child was in the hospital, rather than her immediately calling me or my husband and letting us know.

When I arrived at the ER and announced which patient I was looking for a nurse came out and asked, “How are you related to the patient?”  “I’m mom.” I answered- somewhat more emphatically than I expected.  The nurse hesitated for a moment and then said, “Okay . . . just making sure” and showed me to the room where my husband and Em’s birth mom already were. It must have been kind of confusing for one “mom” to bring a daughter in and then have another “mom” come.  In addition, when the nurses and staff were talking to us  it was a little awkward as they wanted to communicate with all three of us, but weren’t sure who to turn and look at as they directed their questions and updates.

As soon as I saw Em’s birth mom in the room I went up to her and gave her a hug.  She looked somewhat surprised and a little relieved. Maybe she thought I was going to chew her out or place blame.  I’m not normally a hugger, but l felt an undeniable prompting to be gentle and loving and it’s like some force outside of myself was propelling me to make that gesture.

Em had at least one IV hooked up to her as well as an oxygen mask over her face.  The dr explained that her oxygen was low on arrival. Apparently they also had also inserted a catheter and had to cut into some of her clothes. 

“I told them she has POTS,” Em’s birth mom exclaimed . . . but I don’t know which medications she’s on.”  When the nurses made room and it was safe to do so my husband moved to Em’s bed and held her hand and began talking to her.  Although she was still pretty out of it, she was able to squeeze his hand to let him know she could hear him.  Meanwhile, I sat down in a chair next to a nurse at a computer and started rattling off all of Em’s medications as well as her diagnoses.  Em’s birth mom looked a little intimidated and flustered in a way.

The good news is that Em only had to spend about four hours in the ER that morning before becoming stable enough to be discharged and come home.  I felt bad that I had to cancel my clients that day- although I knew that none of them were in active crisis situations.  It felt good to stay home with Em and take care of her because she’s at an age and stage in her life when she wants to be so independent that she is somewhat resistant to letting me care for her and she sees any attempts of doing so on my part as me trying to “control” her while I view it as simply supporting her and being her parent.

The most concerning part of that day was not knowing exactly what triggered Em’s episode- other than her history of POTS. Em’s birth mom listed off everything to the hospital staff that Em had eaten the night before and that morning – nothing new- and the only medication she had taken that morning were her ADHD meds and some cold medicine as she was getting over being sick.  The doctor told us that he was a little worried when first Em arrived at the ER because her glassy eyed look and state of unresponsiveness reminded him of recent patients he had seen who have come in after overdosing on Benadryl- even going so far as to hallucinate and try and grab things that weren’t really there. But Em isn’t dumb enough to do that.

A tox screen was done as well as other lab work and at least one ultrasound to rule things out. No drugs or alcohol were involved.  Maybe it was just a matter of Em’s body being run down in the first place.  And, of course, morning coffee certainly doesn’t help with tachycardia symptoms (Em has stated that’s one of the reasons she likes her birth mom’s house over ours- her birth mom always has coffee and we don’t have any).  Most of the time when Em has issues with racing heart and dizziness it’s considered “pre-syncope”- feeling like she’s going to pass out- but rarely does she get to the point of actually passing out. We had a scary experience over the summer after she got her wisdom teeth out and had a bad reaction to the anesthesia while recovering at home. We couldn’t get her fully awake and when the paramedics arrived at our house and took her blood pressure and heart rate and saw the results they immediately asked “Which ER do you want us to take her to?”

The week after Em’s recent ER visit I followed up by getting her in to a specialist who had seen her before who ordered a few more tests and then went over treatment options, including reminders of the things she should already be doing: drink plenty of water and electrolytes, increase salt intake, avoid caffeine, wear compression socks or her abdominal binder, and continue in physical therapy. No new medication will be prescribed until she does all those things and they don’t relieve her symptoms.  Em has done physical therapy previously to build up her stamina as well as to help with hypermobility issues (it’s possible she has Ehlers Danlos as well, but if so it’s a mild case).  Although at the appointment she told the nurse “I guess I could do PT again if it’s not on the days I exercise at school in yoga class” (which would make her too tired to do both) when I tried making an appointment for her a couple days later she said “I don’t have to go because I’m 18 now.”  But it’s part of your recommended treatment plan!” I retorted. “I don’t want you to end up in the ER or Instacare again!”  (A couple of weeks earlier she kept stumbling at school despite the fact that she had eaten and worn her compression socks that day.  It’s the weirdest thing to see happen because her legs just “give out” and she looks like a drunk person walking.  I thought she may have been dehydrated and needed an IV which is why I took her to InstaCare, but by the time we saw the dr her legs were well enough that she could get out of the wheelchair they put her in when she arrived.)

It’s an awkward position to be in when you’re parenting an 18 year old who wants all the freedom of adulthood but not necessarily the responsibilities that come with taking care of yourself and being independent.  Speaking of being independent, Em has expressed that if she does leave home after graduating from high school since she already gave living with her birth mom a try and that didn’t work out as a permanent option, she would like to move in with her boyfriend and his family.  I try to remain calm and not overreact when she brings it up, but when I ask logical questions like “Are you going to pay rent?”  “Are you going to pay for your shampoo and makeup?” she just gets annoyed with me.

It also makes me wonder, “Is our house (and family) really that bad?”  Occasionally Em will dramatically complain that “We don’t have any good food in the house! I bet ______ (my birth mom) would take me to Chik-Fil-A right now if I asked!” I try to let complaints like that slide and usually just end up rolling my eyes.  Those reasons to move out seem so superficial to me.  But a couple of months ago Em did bring up a legitimate reason that I honestly hadn’t considered from her perspective.  She mentioned that one of the reasons she wanted to leave our house in the first place and live with her birth mom is because our house can get so noisy- mostly because of when Jill has meltdowns and yells. And although I’d like to say that I always remain calm when my child is out of control- especially when she’s throwing things, hitting or kicking us, or swearing at us- the truth is that sometimes I just get so frustrated that I can’t help but yell back.

Last week Em had Senior Prom so she invited her birth mom and biological half sister to our house before the dance to do her hair and makeup.  I was cordial, but tried giving them their “space” as well- (even though it was in my own home).  It’s an interesting dynamic but for now we’re in a good place.  I would love Em to spend Easter weekend with our family but I also know that her birth mom has talked about plans as well.  I hate when it feels like a competition.

Reunion with Molly

Last week I received a notification on my phone with a message from someone I had never met. The woman who sent the message explained that she was looking for her daughter's former foster mom from when her daughter was a baby and she wondered if it could possibly be me. When I read the name of the baby my eyes almost popped out of my head and my heart started pounding . . . It was Molly! 

 

If you're new to this blog, "Molly" is the name of our second foster child who was placed with us from the time she was 4 months old till she was almost a year old. Consequently, she had lots of firsts with us: first words, first solid foods, first steps, etc. I replied almost immediately in the affirmative "Yes! We fostered her." Of course, that was 18 years ago so I was astounded when Molly's mom replied back with pictures of a gorgeous young woman rather than the sweet baby we once loved. Her face and smile were the same- but she was all grown up! 

Molly's mom explained that she was trying to help Molly fill in some of the gaps of her history, including the time she was placed with us, as Molly had heard differing accounts. Molly's mom also asked, "Do you have any baby pictures of her?" I sent her a few pictures from my private blog, which, thankfully, also included a few updates about developmental milestones. I admit that I had to come back to the "About Me" section of this blog to make sure I had the dates of her placement with us and different hearings correct.

I had a lot of questions about Molly's life as well, including her relationship with her birth parents and their status. Molly's mom was more than happy to bring me up to speed about what had happened to Molly from the time she left our home, including being in the care of a relative, being adopted (her birth parents eventually relinquished their parental rights), being separated from her little brother who was adopted into a non-familial family, and eventually moving into the same neighborhood as this woman who hasn't officially adopted her (yet), but who has been raising her as one of her own children along with her other children for over a decade now. Molly's history also included some tragedy and I was saddened to hear that. 

Over the next couple of days Molly's mother and I exchanged more information through messaging and in addition to some of Molly's hardships I learned of some of her accomplishments: She has graduated from high school, has her drivers license, and is currently working as a CNA and deciding what route she'd like to go for college. 

Molly's mom initially prefaced her initial message with something like "If you aren't interested in providing information or having contact that's fine, but if you are interested in at least answering some questions, that would be wonderful." When I told my husband about the initial message he was shocked but also as ecstatic as I was, so it really wasn't a question of "Do we want contact?" but "How is this going to work out?" In addition, you know how some people are just really easy to get along with and you just seem to "click"? That's how I felt when I was interacting with Molly's mom so I was more than happy to answer questions and things felt natural with her rather than forced or awkward. 

YESTERDAY My husband and I were reunited with Molly thanks to her mom, who, much to her credit, kept it all a secret from Molly for over a week. There were a lot of tears on my part and Molly was so delighted to see the pictures we gave her of when she was a baby, as well as to read about and hear about what she was like when she was with us. We were able to answer some questions for her and provide a clarification of events from when she was placed with us, then went back to her birth parents and then when she came back into care up to when she was placed with a relative. Molly's mom referred to finding me as a tender mercy and I feel the same way.

School Update- Jill

The week before Christmas Break I had a meeting with Jill's teacher, her Vice Principal, the school psychologist, and the school's speech therapist about if Jill qualified for an IEP, based on recommendations from the speech pathologist at Jill's IOP last year who suggested she be assessed. The Occupational Therapist couldn't make it to the meeting so she called me earlier in the day with her report. 

I have learned that there are thirteen different categories of disability in reference to special education under IDEA, including:

1. Specific Learning Disability (SLD)
2. Speech or Language Impairment
3. Other Health Impairment
4. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
5. Intellectual Disability
6. Emotional Disturbance
7. Developmental Delay
8. Multiple Disabilities
9. Deaf-Blindness
10. Deafness
11. Hearing Impairment
12. Orthopedic Impairment
13. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

Jill's school psychologist (who conducted the majority of testing) informed me that Jill would be assessed under the category of Autism to see if she qualified for an Individualized Education Plan. Speaking of autism, pretty cool that there's now a Barbie with autism (which, I've read, was designed by an autistic person), but I laughed even harder when I saw this: 

Although the meeting was over an hour, the team didn't tell me until about ten minutes before it actually ended that Jill did not meet the qualifications for an IEP since the majority of the meeting was spent going over her different testing results.  I kind of wish they would have told me their decision at the beginning and then backed it up with the data instead of waiting till the end to learn that she didn't qualify.  Evidently, she did much better on the speech assessment with the speech therapist than she did on the same assessment at her IOP and that was the main area of concern.

I have mixed feelings about Jill not qualifying for an IEP.  In one sense, I guess I should feel relieved, but in another sense I was left feeling like I do much of the time with Jill's special needs- "Yes, she has special needs- but she's getting by and her needs aren't severe enough to require serious intervention." Her teacher confirmed that sometimes she struggles in class, but not enought to have to actually be pulled out of class.  That being said, she still has her 504 Plan and I thought it was very convenient that at the next Parent Teacher Conference the Vice Principal will be in attendance to update her 504 with her teacher and me.

I think my biggest concern is that Jill will be starting junior high next year and I just want her to be successful (meaning, not overwhelmed). I am curious if having different classes and teachers instead of just one classroom and teacher all day will help Jill's AuDHD brain. I just want her to have the accommodations she needs.

One part of the IEP Meeting where I literally almost cried in both stress and relief at how far Jill has come in actually attending school is when we looked at her attendance record from her 4th grade year with 47 absences and from her 5th grade year with 52 absences.  This year she has only had two absences from legitimate sickness. It shouldn’t come as a surprise then, when I can across this statistic about school attendance:

I am happy to report that Jill enjoys the social aspect of school and because of that I am able to successfully get her off to school most days. However, this morning after a brief argument/insistence that she wear her coat today (It was 19 degrees outside by the time she left for the bus stop and I could see her breath) she reluctantly put it on, said some choice words to me and then I said goodbye and closed the front door. Her argument about not putting it on is that it “makes her sweaty” because it’s so warm. This is the same coat I purposely had her pick out herself so that there would be no complaints. [Tell me you have a child with sensory issues without telling me you have a child with sensory issues]!  About an hour later when my son left for school he said “Mom- did you know that Jill’s coat is on the porch?” [Tell me you have a PDA child without telling me you have a PDA child!]

Em is Back

I feel extremely grateful because right now all three of my children are watching a movie together, snacking on Doritos, and occasionally laughing at some line from the movie or an inside joke they have between each other. The best part is that it’s not just temporary. Over the weekend Em decided she wanted to return home to us- for good.

It took less than 7 weeks for our daughter and her birth mom to grow out of the Honeymoon Phase with each other after our daughter decided to leave our house and move in with her birth mom (who happens to live 20 minutes away from us). 

Although my husband and I knew that our daughter wouldn’t be in danger when she left, we were also aware of some red flags that filled us with concern for Em’s sake.  The last couple of times we’ve talked with Em she would hint at things not being ideal. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that she shared some more details with us and it took every bit of self-restraint within me to stop from exclaiming “I told you so!"

                                        

Em shared that she started feeling like “a burden” to her birth mom. After all, she still doesn’t have a driver’s license or a job so she would have to be driven to and from school each day or anywhere else she wanted to go. Although we would like her to get her license soon, our biggest priority for her is staying in school and graduating next year.

Not only was Em feeling like a burden, but her birth mom made some very direct comments to her about "growing up" and other things which would most likely make anyone feel pretty much like a burden as well. Em learned that, like most parents, her birth mom isn’t perfect despite the pedestal Em seems to have put her on.

I also don’t think Em’s birth mom was fully aware of Em’s emotional immaturity, her special needs (I haven't written much about that but perhaps I will in the future), and certainly her physical conditions [Em was formally diagnosed with POTS last year after a couple of years of troubling symptoms]. However, after one recent episode while living with her birth mom when Em started feeling dizzy and had to sit down, her birth mom implied that she was “faking it” for attention when, in fact, all of Em’s teachers at school have notice of her medical condition on file titled "Health Plan" including her diagnosis and what to do in case of sudden low blood pressure or wonky heart rate.

That’s another reason why it’s been hard for Em to look for a job- not many jobs for teenagers allow them to sit or rest when needed. In fast food or retail, for example, you’re always on the go.

I think one of the saddest parts of Em moving back home with us was her birth mom’s reaction when Em told her about her decision.  Her birth mom basically gaslighted her, tried to make her feel guilty, and then accused her of “taking advantage of me.” Fortunately, the invitation to visit if wanted has still been left open for my daughter from her birth mom.

I’m not naive enough to think that things between Em and my husband and I as her parents will automatically be perfect from now on. Of course we’re still going to have clashes. But I think the past 7 weeks have made Em realizes that our home is a pretty good place to be and that despite our faults as parents, we will always love her and welcome her.