Here are a few of my favorite Mormon Messages which relate to foster care and adoption:
Great quotes about service from the first clip:
"Perhaps when we face our Maker we will not be asked How many positions did you hold?, but rather, How many people did you help?"
" . . . We are happier and more fulfilled when we act and serve for what we give, not for what we get."
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Together We Rise
Together We Rise is a nonprofit organization dedicated to improving the lives of America's foster children by funding programs that give them a sense of "normalcy, comfort, and belonging" such as purchasing bikes for foster children, providing sports equipment and sports camp opportunities for them, and providing resources to help youth who age out of the foster care system.
The statistics for youth who age out of foster care are very sobering, as I've referred to previously, and as you will see from the following clip:
The statistics for youth who age out of foster care are very sobering, as I've referred to previously, and as you will see from the following clip:
To learn more about Together We Rise visit their Facebook Page. What a great cause!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Our First Respite Placement
Our house has felt pretty empty now that we're back to a one-child family again so when our RFC called and asked if we were interested in providing respite care to a toddler for 5 days over Memorial Day Weekend I thought "Why not?"
Foster parents can use respite care through other foster families when they are going on vacation or out of town and can't bring their foster child with them or if they just need a break. I've heard caseworkers and others say that respite care is also a good resource and is recommended for foster parents to use to prevent from becoming burnt out. Although we've used respite care before we've never taken any respite placements- until now.
When our RFC called about this respite placement- a 2 year old boy whom I will refer to as "Casey"- the only information I was told was his age and that he was brought into care because of DV (domestic violence) issues. Consequently, I envisioned the worst-case scenario in my mind: lots of hitting, kicking, throwing, biting, etc. However, I figured since my daughter has allready had experience with one physically aggressive foster sibling and this little boy would be younger and smaller than her, she would be able to hold her own and there would be no serious threats to her safety. When I talked to Casey's foster mother and got some more info it sounded like any aggression Casey did display could be classified as typical 2 year old "I don't want to share my toys- I'm frustrated" aggression rather than any serious pathological violence to be worried about. I also figured if this placement did end up being particularly challenging it was only for five days.
Fortunately, Casey was fairly easy to care for and he transitioned into our home quite naturally. He was also a really cute little boy, by the way. Although he and my daughter did have their share of squabbles, for the most part they got along well and enjoyed playing together.
Casey did have a few tantrums/meltdowns, but they were short-lived and were almost always precipitated by trying to enforce a routine (bedtime, naptime) or trying to gently reprimand & redirect his behavior when he couldn't have things his way (like taking a toy from someone or hitting). Two other bits of information that his foster mother shared with me beforehand which helped me understand where his meltdowns were coming from is that 1) He is an only child and not used to sharing and 2) His mother was somewhat indulgent with him, so it's understandable that he would be upset when he didn't get his way all the time.
I pulled some tools out of my mental Love & Logic Parenting Toolbox and tried to put into practice a couple of parenting/relationship techniques on Casey when he would get upset. The first technique is simply to 1) Let him feel his feelings and validate them rather than trying to fix them right away. The other practice was to 2) Give him as much choice as possible in a situation so that he feels empowered and in control. I'll elaborate on each.
As far as # 1 goes, letting him feel his feelings, I think many people have a tendency, when someone close to them expresses hurt, anger, or pain to try to "fix" the situation and make it all better- or even use a distraction so that the real problem doesn't have to be dealt with. In fact, as a parent, I sometimes mistakenly believe that I must "protect" my child from any hurt or sad feelings she has because I don't want to see her in pain. But realistically, what are the long-term effects and ramifications of brushing aside feelings and not talking them out?
Back to letting Casey feel his feelings: One instance where I let Casey simply "feel" his feelings without trying to distract him or make everything better is one night when he was having a particularly hard time at bedtime. He threw a tantrum about not wanting to go to bed, but underneath his frustration there was a lot of sadness and between tears he told me "I want my mom." I was tempted to make everything all better by saying, "Don't worry- you'll get to see her next week at your visit!" and sound happy about it for his sake. Instead I put my arm around him and said, "I'm sorry- that must be very hard. I bet she misses you so much, too." But I couldn't just leave it at that. The "fixer" in me had to add ". . . and you'll get to see her next week!"
Let me preface the next situation I had with Casey with these thoughts: I think that a lot of times when a young child expresses a strong, unpleasant emotion by yelling or throwing a tantrum, the easiest and most automatic response a caregiver has is to do whatever it takes to stop the whining or crying. Especially if you're in public and don't want to make a scene. Sometimes a child's tantrum may be symptomatic of something else (that it's naptime, as a prime example, or that the child wants some extra attention.) But many times- not always, but often- toddlers and little kids have learned to throw a tantrum with the express purpose of getting their way.
For example, say I'm at the checkout line at the grocery store and my child starts whining because they want a candy bar or treat. I say "Not today." and their whining increases and turns into a full-blown tantrum. How I wish this were just a hypotheitcal situation I'm using, but I am, in fact, speaking from experience. Please don't tell me that you've never been "that parent" with "that child"! As my child's tantrum escalates in loudness and intensity I sense (either imaginary or real) disapproving glances from onlookers that rhetorically ask, "Can't you control your child?". Although I have tried, perhaps repeatedly, to set limits and tell my child "no" I cave in to avoid making a scene by grabbing a candy bar, tossing it into the cart and telling my child, in hushed and pleading tones, "Fine- stop crying." My child does stop crying because they've gotten what they've wanted, but have I really "controlled" them- or have they controlled me?
Just as bad is when I don't give in to my child and because of this they begin moping or crying and I get even more of the judgmental "Can't you control your child?" looks. I much prefer to get a warm smile, a knowing chuckle or even a "Been There Done That" look/comment instead.
So, having said all that, the other time I let Casey simply feel and express his feelings without shaming him or dismissing them was when he had what was probably his worst meltdown/tantrum the entire time he was with us. We also just so happened to be out in public- at a very crowded venue.
At one point (incidentally, naptime was approaching which didn't help matters) Casey started literally kicking his tiny legs and screaming at a pitch that rivals an ambulance siren, but rather than tell him to stop I decided to let him holler away till he got it out of his system. I was mindful, however, to push his stroller to a less crowded area so as not to disturb others. I was hoping that the sunglasses I was wearing would magically deflect the obvious stares of those around me or somehow make me less conspicuous, but no- I could still feel those awful stares boring into me. Perhaps I was a bit sensitive but I felt like holding up a sign in my defense that said- "Why, no, I can't control him. And incidentally, he's not my child." Another sign: "He's been separated from his family and is forced to live with strangers. Can you imagine the stress an adult- let alone a child- would feel if they were in such a situation?" Which leads me to my final (and shortest) sign: "HE'S TWO- give him a break!"
As far as the second technique of empowering children by giving them choices, I think it's especially important for a little person who is put into a situation which is totally out of their control (i.e. foster care) and they suddenly find themselves faced with diffferent routines, rules, norms, etc. to at least feel some amount of control and freedom of choice. So, for example, when Casey protested getting ready for bed I would ask "Do you want to wear your Spiderman pajamas or your Cars pajamas?" "As soon as you get into bed then I'll turn on the fish aquarium nightlite." And then, of course, I would PRAISE HIM LIKE CRAZY for his choice: "I knew you could get in bed! Now you can watch the fishies." If he was sluggish coming to eat breakfast rather than getting upset (and annoyed) and telling him "Sit down and eat!" I would ask "What cereal would you like- this one or that one? "Do you want milk or orange juice?" It may just be little choices and seem like the simplest thing, but hopefully it helped to make him feel like he had at least some amount of control.
Incidentally, speaking of giving children choices versus controlling every choice they make, I remember reading the chapter in Bruce Perry's The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog about the Davidian children he worked with from the Waco compund after they were taken into state custody. Because David Koresh and others were so controlling of so many aspects of their lives, when these children were faced with making a simple choice such as "Do you want a baloney sandwhich or a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich?" they would become distraught and caught off guard because they weren't used to choosing anything for themselves.
Fortunately, Casey was fairly easy to care for and he transitioned into our home quite naturally. He was also a really cute little boy, by the way. Although he and my daughter did have their share of squabbles, for the most part they got along well and enjoyed playing together.
Casey did have a few tantrums/meltdowns, but they were short-lived and were almost always precipitated by trying to enforce a routine (bedtime, naptime) or trying to gently reprimand & redirect his behavior when he couldn't have things his way (like taking a toy from someone or hitting). Two other bits of information that his foster mother shared with me beforehand which helped me understand where his meltdowns were coming from is that 1) He is an only child and not used to sharing and 2) His mother was somewhat indulgent with him, so it's understandable that he would be upset when he didn't get his way all the time.
I pulled some tools out of my mental Love & Logic Parenting Toolbox and tried to put into practice a couple of parenting/relationship techniques on Casey when he would get upset. The first technique is simply to 1) Let him feel his feelings and validate them rather than trying to fix them right away. The other practice was to 2) Give him as much choice as possible in a situation so that he feels empowered and in control. I'll elaborate on each.
As far as # 1 goes, letting him feel his feelings, I think many people have a tendency, when someone close to them expresses hurt, anger, or pain to try to "fix" the situation and make it all better- or even use a distraction so that the real problem doesn't have to be dealt with. In fact, as a parent, I sometimes mistakenly believe that I must "protect" my child from any hurt or sad feelings she has because I don't want to see her in pain. But realistically, what are the long-term effects and ramifications of brushing aside feelings and not talking them out?
Back to letting Casey feel his feelings: One instance where I let Casey simply "feel" his feelings without trying to distract him or make everything better is one night when he was having a particularly hard time at bedtime. He threw a tantrum about not wanting to go to bed, but underneath his frustration there was a lot of sadness and between tears he told me "I want my mom." I was tempted to make everything all better by saying, "Don't worry- you'll get to see her next week at your visit!" and sound happy about it for his sake. Instead I put my arm around him and said, "I'm sorry- that must be very hard. I bet she misses you so much, too." But I couldn't just leave it at that. The "fixer" in me had to add ". . . and you'll get to see her next week!"
Let me preface the next situation I had with Casey with these thoughts: I think that a lot of times when a young child expresses a strong, unpleasant emotion by yelling or throwing a tantrum, the easiest and most automatic response a caregiver has is to do whatever it takes to stop the whining or crying. Especially if you're in public and don't want to make a scene. Sometimes a child's tantrum may be symptomatic of something else (that it's naptime, as a prime example, or that the child wants some extra attention.) But many times- not always, but often- toddlers and little kids have learned to throw a tantrum with the express purpose of getting their way.
For example, say I'm at the checkout line at the grocery store and my child starts whining because they want a candy bar or treat. I say "Not today." and their whining increases and turns into a full-blown tantrum. How I wish this were just a hypotheitcal situation I'm using, but I am, in fact, speaking from experience. Please don't tell me that you've never been "that parent" with "that child"! As my child's tantrum escalates in loudness and intensity I sense (either imaginary or real) disapproving glances from onlookers that rhetorically ask, "Can't you control your child?". Although I have tried, perhaps repeatedly, to set limits and tell my child "no" I cave in to avoid making a scene by grabbing a candy bar, tossing it into the cart and telling my child, in hushed and pleading tones, "Fine- stop crying." My child does stop crying because they've gotten what they've wanted, but have I really "controlled" them- or have they controlled me?
Just as bad is when I don't give in to my child and because of this they begin moping or crying and I get even more of the judgmental "Can't you control your child?" looks. I much prefer to get a warm smile, a knowing chuckle or even a "Been There Done That" look/comment instead.
So, having said all that, the other time I let Casey simply feel and express his feelings without shaming him or dismissing them was when he had what was probably his worst meltdown/tantrum the entire time he was with us. We also just so happened to be out in public- at a very crowded venue.
At one point (incidentally, naptime was approaching which didn't help matters) Casey started literally kicking his tiny legs and screaming at a pitch that rivals an ambulance siren, but rather than tell him to stop I decided to let him holler away till he got it out of his system. I was mindful, however, to push his stroller to a less crowded area so as not to disturb others. I was hoping that the sunglasses I was wearing would magically deflect the obvious stares of those around me or somehow make me less conspicuous, but no- I could still feel those awful stares boring into me. Perhaps I was a bit sensitive but I felt like holding up a sign in my defense that said- "Why, no, I can't control him. And incidentally, he's not my child." Another sign: "He's been separated from his family and is forced to live with strangers. Can you imagine the stress an adult- let alone a child- would feel if they were in such a situation?" Which leads me to my final (and shortest) sign: "HE'S TWO- give him a break!"
As far as the second technique of empowering children by giving them choices, I think it's especially important for a little person who is put into a situation which is totally out of their control (i.e. foster care) and they suddenly find themselves faced with diffferent routines, rules, norms, etc. to at least feel some amount of control and freedom of choice. So, for example, when Casey protested getting ready for bed I would ask "Do you want to wear your Spiderman pajamas or your Cars pajamas?" "As soon as you get into bed then I'll turn on the fish aquarium nightlite." And then, of course, I would PRAISE HIM LIKE CRAZY for his choice: "I knew you could get in bed! Now you can watch the fishies." If he was sluggish coming to eat breakfast rather than getting upset (and annoyed) and telling him "Sit down and eat!" I would ask "What cereal would you like- this one or that one? "Do you want milk or orange juice?" It may just be little choices and seem like the simplest thing, but hopefully it helped to make him feel like he had at least some amount of control.
Incidentally, speaking of giving children choices versus controlling every choice they make, I remember reading the chapter in Bruce Perry's The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog about the Davidian children he worked with from the Waco compund after they were taken into state custody. Because David Koresh and others were so controlling of so many aspects of their lives, when these children were faced with making a simple choice such as "Do you want a baloney sandwhich or a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich?" they would become distraught and caught off guard because they weren't used to choosing anything for themselves.
Saturday, May 12, 2012
Mother's Day Quotes
Motherhood is full of sacrifices, love, and oftentimes GUILT wondering if you'll ever measure up.
Here's some quotes I've seen floating around the web recently which touch on the theme of motherhood and which resonated quite deeply with me:
And if you haven't seen the following clip yet, Grab the Kleenexes!
Here's some quotes I've seen floating around the web recently which touch on the theme of motherhood and which resonated quite deeply with me:
One of the most important lessons I've learned specifically as an adoptive and foster mother and with my experiences with infertility is to cherish children and NEVER take them for granted.
!Thursday, May 10, 2012
Dear Rose
Dear Rose,
Just yesterday I noticed a small object on the coffee table and I automatically thought I need to move that. The baby's gonna put it in her mouth! Then I remembered that you were gone. Silly Me.
You've been gone for one week now and I miss you. We all miss you.
The last morning you were with us I walked into your nursery and to my surprise you were sitting up in your crib, as content as could be, happilly babbling away. You looked up at me with a smile and when I changed your diaper I noticed {FINALLY!} a little tooth was making its way through the bottom of your gums. You've been teething for months now and sticking anything and everything into your mouth and chewing away like a little puppy dog.
You're a different baby than the frail little creature the caseworker brought to our home seven months ago. You were just eight pounds then and last month at your 9 month check-up you weighed over 16 pounds! Although you're still technically in the 10th percentile for weight you have been growing at a steady pace. You have transitioned from learning to scoot like an inchworm to rolling around on the floor to crawling ALL OVER THE PLACE. You are also pulling yourself up to furniture now, too.
You have a great sense of rhythm and much to our amusement, we would all bust out laughing when someone would start playing music and you would immediately bounce and rock back and forth to the beat.
You have learned to clap your hands and proudly say "Yay!" afterwards. You also attempt to wave to people (although most of the time your chubby little hand and fingers are directed towards yourself when you do). You babble and sing and even say a few words- including "mama", "dada", and "Hi", which you say quite enthusiastically whenever you greet someone. You are a little charmer and a beautiful baby but I think you've figured that out by the way everyone looks at you and dotes on you when they see you.
Do you know who lights up the most when they see you? Your parents. Rose, I hope you know that your parents love you- they absolutely adore you- and they have both worked so hard to get you back into their care.
Thank you for letting me be your substitute mommy for a short time (not that you had a choice in the matter- although I have felt at times like we have a connection from sometime or somewhere before). You have taught me to be more patient-especially with all of your colic and spit-up. Your reflux has greatly improved and you're eating solids like a big girl now.
You have taught me to sacrifice- as all mothers and caregivers learn- each time I would get up in the middle of the night to make you a bottle or comfort you when you were teething or sick. And, of course, Murphy's Law for Sleep-Deprived Mothers states that "Even though a baby still isn't sleeping through the night they will regularly wake up at the crack of dawn!"
You have taught me to replace the urge to judge when I would hold your little body in my arms the first couple of weeks you were with us and you would twitch and tremble at night through no fault of your own. The anger and blame I felt towards others about your circumstances were mercifully overshadowed by compassion.
You have reminded me that once you spend so much time with someone you forget that their skin is a different shade than yours until someone else brings it up and then you think, "Oh, yeah . . . I forgot."
Thank you for giving my little girl another chance to know what it's like to be a big sister and to learn to share her toys and time and attention with a sibling. I miss hearing you two laugh together as you play. I miss when I would hold you on my lap and you would grab her face with your outstretched arms and lean in and give her a slobbery open-mouthed kiss on her cheek. She would laugh hysterically and you would smile and giggle and we'd repeat it over and over again. Sometimes you would grab her hair and not let go and the harder she would squeal the bigger you would smile. I would tell her that babies just like to explore but the mischievous look in your eyes makes me think that you knew what you were doing. You would have that same look in your eyes when I would wear my glasses and you would try to grab for them. I would chastise you in a mock tone and you would laugh.
Thank you for smiling as I handed you to the caseworker at the DCFS Building to drop you off for the last time. It made our parting easier and I have your smile and the look on your face permanently etched in my mind. Your parents had not yet arrived from the Hearing but they texted me letting me know what I allready knew- "Our baby is coming home today!"
Rose, you have taught me to cherish the sacred gift of motherhood and to never take family for granted.
Thank you for being part of our life and our home- if only temporarilly. We are eager to see you again, but right now it's your parents' turn to take care of you and for your family to be together again.
Love,
Mary
(Your "other" mother)
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