A couple of times our
daughter accidentally called Precious the name of the little girl who we had recently
hoped to adopt- which makes me kind of sad.
However, unlike that little girl [who was a year younger than our
daughter and who was very mellow and would happily succumb to her role of being
“bossed around” by a big sister] Precious is the same age as our daughter and is
certainly just as headstrong as her, too.
Herein lies the problem:
-Both girls are typically
egocentrical THREE YEAR OLDS
-Both girls are
accustomed to being ONLY CHILDREN
-Both girls can be
DRAMA QUEENS
-Both girls are, in
fact, “GIRLS” – so much estrogen in two small packages!
Needless to say, our
home was full of conflict and rivalry from two three-year-old Drama Queens who both
believed they should take center stage and be in the spotlight at all times. The problem is that neither one of them was
willing to settle for being in the limelight.
For the most part,
Precious and Madison played well together.
However, like all children, they had their squabbles. Things overheard (repeatedly) over the first
24 hours include:
“I
had it first!”
“I’m
not a baby- YOU are!”
“You’re
not going to be my best friend anymore!”
(Are they three
years old or thirteen years old?)
I can handle that kind
of tension, but the conflict escalated and included something that we’re not
used to in our home: physical aggression.
I guess the good news is that Precious is so teeny that when she did hit or push it doesn’t cause serious
harm to our daughter. However, it is very emotionally upsetting and confusing
for my little girl who didn’t understand why she did it each time: “She
just hit me again!” “Why did she just
push me?” my little girl would turn to me and ask with tears in her eyes. It’s very difficult (and annoying) to watch
another child- who is a “guest” in your home nonetheless- mistreat your own
children. My first instinct and priority was to comfort
my own daughter, but at the same time I had to stop Precious’s behavior and explain
to her that hitting is not something we do in our home. I don’t know how many times I had to explain “We don’t hit in our house.
It’s okay to be angry or frustrated, but it’s not okay to hit.”
As much as I resented
Precious for acting out I also know that she was doing just that- “acting out”
the behaviors that she’s used to. I had
to continually remind myself that she’s a product of her environment, so
although hitting and shoving may be unacceptable to us it is the “norm” for
her.
I mentioned that both
our own daughter and our foster daughter have a tendency to be “drama
queens.” But my husband was spot on when
he pointed out the difference between the two:
Precious’s drama is trauma drama. Not only does she have a hard time sharing
toys & taking turns, but she becomes overly upset SO easily (either
yelling, crying like it’s the end of the world, or saying how much she “hates”
something) over seemingly little things: not being able to play with a toy,
bumping into something and getting an owie, not being able to get her shoes on
correctly, etc. I would try to give her
the benefit of the doubt and chalk it up to how scared and confused and out of
control she must be feeling rather than attributing it to a naturally sour
disposition.
The good news is that
she would let me comfort her and she was able to attach to me. In fact, she even developed a slight
separation anxiety so that sometimes if I went in the other room she would immediately ask, “Where are you going? Stay
here!”
The first couple of
nights with us she did fine at bedtime, but the last few days ever since she
had a nightmare/night terror (flashback
maybe?) she insisted that I stay in her room- so I would bring my pillow in
and sleep on the floor until she fell asleep and then I would sneak out. If she woke up in the night she’d walk into our
bedroom (across the hall from hers) and wake me up and say “Come back.”
The tragic part is that
each time I heard Precious tell me to “Stay Here” or “Come Back!” I read a
deeper meaning into her words. After
all, this is the same little girl who nonchalantly told my daughter over
breakfast cereal the second day she was here “My mommy ran away.” My daughter got a confused and disbelieving look
on her face and turned to me and said, “Mom,
she said her mom ran away!” as if she were tattling on another child for
saying something as absurd and untrue as “I have a dinosaur for a pet.”
I turned to my daughter
and said in a lowered voice “Honey . . .
that’s part of the reason she’s staying with us.”
A mommy running away
from a child is a hard enough concept for me as an adult to understand. I
could only imagine what my little girl was thinking as she grew suddenly quiet
and soberly went back to eating her cereal.
A couple of days later I found myself pulling my daughter aside after yet
another fight, and when Precious was out of earshot I explained “The reason
Precious hits so much is because there was a lot of hitting at her house. That’s another reason why she’s staying with
us.” I wish my daughter didn’t have to
learn at such a young age that not all families and homes are safe like
ours. I basically lied to her about our
last placement and told her we were taking care of George because his parents were
“sick” because how do you explain things like drug addiction and neglect and
parents being in prison to a little girl who’s grown up in a stable, loving
home? Those things are about as foreign
to her as the concept of mommies running away.
1 comment:
Ouch. This is so painful.
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