Jill at 12 1/2 Years Old

Jill’s elementary school got a new principal halfway through the year and I am pleased to announce that she has not yet been called to his office.  However, on average, we get about one email a month from Jill’s sixth grade teacher with a report of something concerning that our daughter has said or done that needs to be brought to our attention.  Just yesterday the subject line from her teacher read “Incident yesterday”.  I panic whenever I get these emails and as I proceed to read what happened I shake my head and think “Why would she do that?”  Her teachers must think we’re the worst parents ever to have a child act like that.”

In reality, Jill’s teachers the past couple of years have been very patient.  I think it helps when I am actively involved in going to parent teacher conferences and IEP meetings or, in the past, volunteering when I can so they know I’m not a deadbeat and she doesn’t come from a “broken home.”

Although Jill usually reserves her meltdowns for home she did recently break down at a friend’s house to the point that her friend’s mom contacted me afterwards and diplomatically asked, “How can we best support Jill (and you) the next time that happens?” I appreciated this mom’s approach as I was already feeling on the defensive about how Jill’s behavior might be a reflection of our family life or of my ability to parent.  I gave this mom a little more background on Jill- some of which she wasn’t aware- and that seemed helpful.

Since graduating from her IOP earlier this year, Jill has been getting two different therapies: Play therapy with my husband and I to increase attachment and individual therapy (at her request) with a new therapist who I chose for her specifically because she has experience  working with kids with conduct disorder.  Although Jill has never been officially diagnosed with conduct disorder, I figure some of the symptoms of PDA and autism can be pretty similar.

Unlike me, who am trained in PCIT (Parent-Child Interaction Therapy), Jill’s play therapist is trained in Theraplay, and is the most gentle and patient woman ever- think of if Mr. Rogers was a woman.  Of course, some of the activities have had to be modified to be more appropriate for a pre-teen than a child and it took a bit for this play therapist to get used to Jill’s dark humor when she would say something inappropriate or outright weird.

Jill starts junior high next year and I’m grateful that Jack is just a year older than she is to keep an eye out for her.  They are the only two people in our family who share DNA as full biological siblings, and yet they couldn’t be more different in temperament.  Jack is more like my husband and I- conscientious and fairly responsible (though often forgetful) and pretty mellow, while Jill couldn’t care less what people think of her and she can go from 0-60 in rapid mood changes.  I’ve also learned over the past couple of years that females with autism are more likely to experience PMDD, so that’s gonna make for some extra fun teenage years if that applies to Jill.

One example of how Jill doesn’t care what people think is when I was getting ready for church one morning and I was delighted that she chose to come that day.  I was in the shower and heard some banging and yelling at the bathroom door.  “I’m in the SHOWER- I can’t talk right now- What do you need? Is it an emergency?”  I turned off the water when the yelling persisted and Jill proceeded to say- “Mom- I want to wear a suit and tie to church!”  My enthusiasm at her coming to church that day was immediately deflated and I thought, ‘I can’t deal with this right now.”  I know that it doesn’t matter what anyone wears to church because “The Lord looketh on the heart.” but it’s especially awkward when your husband happens to be the leader of the congregation and you feel (whether accurate or not) that your family is under extra scrutiny.   She ended up wearing a hoodie over her dress that day and hasn’t brought it up again yet.

On a more serious note, Jill has only had one incident of self-harm since graduating from her IOP. She’s not even a teenager yet and I’m aware that things could be so much worse, but boy do we worry about her future. One day Em even confessed to me “Mom- Jill scares me.”  This coming from a sister who is six years older.   I never thought I’d be a parent who would be dealing with some of the issues I’ve dealt with the past couple of years.  It’s been truly humbling.

On that note, I want to give s shoutout to Cheryl Cardall and her Love Like A Motherr nonprofit organization which supports moms of kids with intense mental health concerns.  I discovered Cheryl’s podcast, Fight Like a Mother, a year or so ago and met Cheryl briefly in person at a conference last year.  She oozed sincerity and goodness as I heard her share some of her parenting experiences and I hope that any other parents out there who are experiencing similar parenting challenges can feel like they’re not so alone by the resources she offers.