Friday, May 13, 2011

Might Be . . .

I’m starting to feel like a bit of a blogger slacker since I haven’t posted anything in over 3 weeks but I can assure you it’s NOT because I haven’t had any adoption or foster care issues at the forefront of my mind- I just haven’t sat down to write about them (at least publicly) and/or I am hesitant to disclose too much about what’s going on in this personal area of my life because things are so uncertain at this point in time. 

The truth is that my family and I have been spending a lot of time bonding and attaching with a specific child over the past couple of months. Not with a new foster placement, not with a baby or child placed with us through our adoption agency, but with a child who we “might” be able to adopt through a private adoption. That’s the precise reason why I haven’t written about it yet- because “might” is only “maybe”- it’s no guarantee.

My mind keeps going back to the analogy of a woman who “might” be pregnant. The problem again with that uncertain word- “might” is that a woman either is or isn’t pregnant- there’s no in between. And even when a woman does finally take a pregnancy test and gets the needed confirmation that she is, in fact, pregnant, it’s probably too risky to announce the pregnancy to others- as excited as she may be at the prospect- until she is past her first trimester or so because what if she has a miscarriage?

This is exactly where we’re at right now- not with a “real” pregnancy of course, but in our journey of expecting a child to join our family nonetheless. Part of me is so excited about the possibility that I want to shout it from the rooftops, but the voice of reason (and to some degree, pessimism) fills me with caution and restraint. What if it doesn’t end up working out? Might is a hopeful word but it can also be very frustrating- especially when you want things to move along but circumstances are totally out of your control. Sounds a lot like foster care, eh?

I do in fact feel like we’re at that point with a foster placement where you ultimately want what’s best for your foster child, but at the same time you are convinced that given the particulars of the situation,  YOU are what’s best for the child when you consider all of the alternatives for their future and yet you can’t do anything about it so you just have to wait for the next court date or to see how visits go or what progress their parents make.  We're also feeling like the more time we spend with this child the more attached we are becoming to each other and the harder it will be to have to say goodbye if it comes to that.  Again, it's very reminisent of foster care.

I know this post is awfully vague, but hopefully I’ll be able to give some more details in the near future. In the meantime I’m studying these books:



Stay tuned.

6 comments:

Foster Mama said...

You are the master of vague :) I am excited to hear more details! Hope you are well

Stephanie said...

Mary,

What a wonderful blog! We have five children, four of whom have been adopted. It's a wild ride! I am so impressed by what you are doing here. I can totally relate to this post. We adopted four, but we did have two that didn't work out and it was absolute agony!

Keep up the good work!

p.s., Can you tell me how you did your heading and your buttons? They are so dang cute!

feathersky said...

Read "adopting the hurt child." Make sure you know the parts about reactive attachment disorder like the back of your hand. Ohhhh man, I wish I'd been more educated about RAD before we went into adopting a toddler. It wouldn't have changed our decision, but it would have made the first year home ***SO*** much easier.

Good luck!!! Email me if you have any questions--or just want to talk about older child adoption! Nathaniel's adoption was a private adoption too.

Mary said...

Stephanie- I love desinging my private blog, but I let the talented ladies at Designer Blogs.com do this one.

feathersky- Thanks for the recommendation- another book to add to my list!

Stacey said...

Oh I love it! I am so excited to hear what happens :) Good Luck!!!

-M- said...

I can't wait to hear if anything comes of THIS situation! Keeping my fingers crossed. :) Hoping for what's best for the child- and like you said, assuming that its you and your family. Keep us posted!