Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Sometimes It's Hard to Say No

Today I got a phone call from our Resource Family Consultant (the caseworker in charge of working with foster parents to place children in their home).  He was asking me about a child who was a long-term placement possibility that needed a home as soon as possible.  I grabbed a pen and sheet of paper and started taking notes as he informed me of things like:

-sex of the child, age of the child, reason for removal, if the case was headed towards adoption or reunification, how often visits with the child's birth parents would be and at which DCFS office, any previous histories the family has had with DCFS, any medical or behavioral issues with the child, if there are relatives who are possible kinship placements for the child, date of the next court hearing, etc.

Sometimes when I get "the call" our RFC doesn't have a lot of information because the case is still so new or the CPS investigation is just getting started.  In this particular case, our caseworker actually had quite a bit of information on hand and I only had to ask a few clarifying questions for more information.  After I felt I had enough information I told him I'd get a hold of my husband to talk things over and then get back to him as soon as possible.

As soon as possible- that's the crazy thing about fostering!  You volunteer to take a child into your home at a moment's notice- most of the time not knowing if this child will be staying with you for just a week until they can be placed with relatives or for several months or keeping in mind the possibility that this child could become a part of your family permanently if things don't work out with their family.  No pressure, right?

I immediately called my husband, eager to pass on the information to him and get his feelings on the matter.  Of course I wasn't able to get a hold of him right away which just made me more antsy!  In the meantime, I was mentally planning which bedroom this child would sleep in, how I would work out carpool schedule for transporting them to their school, which days would work best for taking them to weekly visits and doctors appointments, etc. 

Eventually I did get a hold of my husband and he gave me his input after I passed on what I knew about the case.  I contacted our RFC with another concern/question which was answered and then talked it over once again with my husband.

An hour and five minutes after first answering the phone about a possible placement I called our RFC back and hesitantly told him "No."  And I felt guilty of course- and a little let down from the previous hour's adrenaline rush and possibilities.  Of course, our caseworker was fine with my answer which he needed right away so that he could move on and find another foster family.

It's not that I can't say "no" to potential foster placements- [cue Ado Annie's I'm Just A Girl Who Cain't Say No for any musical theater fans out there] it's just that sometimes it's so hard to know that there is a child out there who needs a safe and loving home and we have the room but we have to turn them away.  I have said "no" before to placements for various reasons:

-The timing isn't good for our family.  (It's not that anytime is a necessarily "convenient" time to have a foster child placed in your home, but sometimes life can be extra hectic and adding one more major change would not be wise)

-The decision isn't unanimous.  I may feel alright about saying yes to a placement, but if my husband doesn't agree then I need to respect that the same as he would respect if I said "no" even if he felt good about a placement.

-It just doesn't feel "right".   This reason is hard to explain because it's not logical- it's just a gut feeling that, for whatever reason, this placement just doesn't feel right for our family.

-Sometimes we need time to focus on our own children's needs before bringing in any additional children into our home.   I would hate to risk somehow neglecting or overlooking the needs or desires of my own children by focusing so much on someone else's child.  What if one of my children became resentful?  Most of the time our oldest daughter is just fine or even excited about the prospect of taking another foster placement but each child in a family will have differing perspectives.

-There might be a behavior in a potential foster placement that could clash with the needs or safety of our own children.   Pretty self-explanatory.

So, as you can see, there are valid reasons for saying "no" to foster placements.  But it still doesn't make it easier!  My husband is always quick to remind me that if we say "no" there are other families available and that I can't "save them all" (his words).  I also know, deep down, that saying "no" is better than saying "yes" if it could result in a disrupted placement.

Speaking of having a hard time saying "No"- I'm just curious to see if there are any other foster parents/carers out there who happen to be ISFJ's based on Myers Briggs personality inventory.  If so, these traits might seem familiar:

Monday, April 24, 2017

Reflections on the Movie "Lion"

I finally saw the movie "Lion" over the weekend (it's on Redbox) and I highly recommend it.

Here are some of my impressions of the movie:

-There are far too many children all over the world without families.  Poverty plays a huge role in why children become orphaned, as does education.  In the true story behind Lion, Saroo is a young Indian boy who tragically becomes lost and permanently separated from his mother.  Saroo has no choice but to live on the streets.  Saroo's mother cannot read or write and makes a living carrying rocks.  I mention this fact not because it has to do with the cause or reason that they were separated but to illustrate how education and poverty are intertwined and also to give an idea of Saroo's early environment.

- Homeless children- whether from a characteristically impoverished nation or those who age out of foster care in the United States- are at alarmingly high risks for human trafficking.  This is extremely upsetting.

-At the close of the movie Lion, there was a website referenced- http://lionmovie.com/#charity- which  addresses organizations in India working to help missing children.  There was also a staggering statistic cited that over 80,000 children in India go missing each year.  Mind blowing!

-Another organization I have been following over the past couple of years which seeks to combat and rescue child trafficking victims around the world is Operation Underground Railroad.

-One of the most moving lines in the movie is when Saroo tells his mother something to the effect of
"You didn't just adopt us, but our past as well."  Saroo's parents adopt him and later another little boy from India.  I can imagine that adopting an older child would present challenges for any family, but adopting an older child who is coming from a completely different culture and speaks a different language would present some additional challenges for everyone.

SPOILER ALERT (for anyone who has not yet seen the movie): Saroo grew up in India, but was adopted by an Australian couple and grew up in Tasmania.  As a young adult, Saroo struggles with his identity and history and with the aid of modern technology and his own detective work, he eventually makes a remarkable journey to find his birth mother.

-I was relieved and touched by the way Saroo's mother and his first mother respected each other's roles in Saroo's life.

-One of the things that keeps Saroo from telling his adoptive mother about his quest to find his birth family is that he is afraid she will feel hurt or betrayed by his decision.  In short, he has what some might call "divided loyalties" between respecting the family who raised him and a yearning to understand where he came from.  [Refer to Adoptee Grief, Loss, and Identity under Seven Core Issues in Adoption charts.]

-When Saroo's mother hears of his intents to find his first mother her mature reply is (something to the effect of) "I hope you find her and she sees how beautiful you have become."

-After a miraculous and joyful reunion with his first mother Saroo informs his family that his first mother is grateful to them for raising him and she recognizes that, although he didn't start out with him, they are his family.

-I was so touched by the actual footage at the end of the movie of Saroo going back to India, this time accompanied by his mom, and she is able to meet her son's first mother for the first time.  "Sacred" is the most adequate word I can use of to describe such an encounter.

On another note, Nicole Kidman is the actress who plays Saroo's adoptive mom.  This is an interview with her about how the role as an adoptive mom to trans racial children mirrors her own life: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/jan/12/nicole-kidman-lion-adoption-love

And here's the official trailer for the movie:

Saturday, April 8, 2017

Adoption Mommy Wars: International vs. Domestic, Newborn vs. Older Child, Foster Care vs. Private

Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas while my husband and I were out shopping, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t we just adopt a child from Syria?”  His statement was due, in large part, to the current and ongoing refugee crisis and a result of reading and viewing horrific news almost daily about families forced to flee their homelands for safety.  My husband obviously knows that there’s no such thing as “just” adopting, but he was expressing his solution to a need.

“It’s not that easy," I began, “to adopt a refugee child.”  I continued to share what I have learned over the past couple of years on the topic:

‘It’s actually against U.N. Regulations to adopt refugee children from many countries because there has to be proof that no relatives exist.  That is a process which could take years.”

I continued, “The purpose of fostering unaccompanied refugee minors, however, is not to adopt but to help the youth adjust to a new culture, learn the language, and basically learn whatever skills are necessary for them to live independently as an adult.”

I purposely stressed the word “fostering” because providing refugee foster care is a topic I have discussed with my husband on more than one occasion over the past couple of years.  More than once I have contacted the director of an agency in my state which contracts with Catholic Community Services to provide foster homes for unaccompanied refugee minors.  I grilled the director with many questions about the requirements and training process to become a foster home and even the backgrounds of the youth who are available to foster.  This director was gracious and more than happy to answer all of my questions.

After much discussion, my husband and I decided that although fostering unaccompanied refugee minors is something that we would like to do in the future, for various reasons the timing is not right for our family right now.

My husband became angry after my response about not being able to adopt refugee children so easily.  He wasn’t angry at me, mind you, but at the inequality which some people (namely refugees and orphans) must face.  He retorted with a rhetorical question: “Then what good is it for a child to languish in an impoverished camp when there are homes who are more than willing to take them in?!”  Sometimes I wish more people were like my husband- when he sees someone in need or marginalized in some way he becomes very driven to make the situation fair.   

It was ironic that the month my husband and I had our aforementioned discussion was December- Christmastime- and there was also a feature story in Time Magazine about the lives of four different babies born in the war-torn region of Syria.  There will be further issues which follow up on how each baby and their families are faring.

Below is one of the covers of the magazine and I specifically remember that as I saw the picture I couldn’t help but think about another little baby boy from the Middle East wrapped in swaddling clothes over 2,000 years ago whose family was turned away because there was “no room in the inn.”

Doubtless there may be some reading this post who are thinking, “But why are you worried about children from across the world when there are hundreds of thousands of children right here in the U.S. foster care system who need homes?”  This brings me to an observation I’ve made about some members of the fostering/adoption/orphan care community (and I have to admit, I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself at times):

I've noticed that sometimes people feel so passionately about a cause that they assume everyone should feel the same way- or perhaps they feel that a cause they are drawn to should take precedence over other similar causes. Of course this happens in a very general sense with a variety of issues but what I’m talking about specifically is those who have fostered or adopted from foster care and feel that their route to helping children or adopting is more noble or worthy than, say, a private domestic adoption.  Or those who are so concerned about orphans around the world that they push for international adoption but don’t focus on foster care adoption.  Which cause is “right” or "wrong”?  

In my opinion, anytime someone feels inspired to help another human being [especially children- who are the most vulnerable of humans] then it is a worthy cause.  Period.   Therefore, domestic adoption is right.  International adoption is right and worthy.  Foster care adoption is a right and worthy pursuit as well.  It’s not a contest or debate between which cause is worthiest or which way is best.  I do, however, feel strongly that certain individuals feel “called” to very specific types of adoption based, among other things, on what is best suited for their family.  Allow me to share an example:

I have a friend who is a mother to six children- more than one of her children has special needs (including Down Syndrome) and two of her children were adopted.  This friend, Rebecca, has become a huge advocate not only for adoption but for special needs adoption because of her family’s experiences.  I might add, her adopted children are a different race than her biological children so she’s well versed in the complexities of inter-racial adoption issues as well. I was delighted to learn that Rebecca is in the process of adopting an older child with special needs from China.

A major motivation for Rebecca advocating for the adoption of special needs children in China is the realization that many of these kids with special needs (which covers a huge definition and range of circumstances) run the risk of aging out of their orphanages as young as 14 years old and then they are left to live in an institution.  If these same children were able to live in the United States or another country they could have access to so many services not available to them, not to mention they could live in a FAMILY rather than an institution for the remainder of their lives.

Back to the point of this example: Shortly after Rebecca publicly announced her family's plans to adopt from China (Rebecca’s sister is also in the process of adopting an older child from China- how neat is that?!) she answered a Frequently Asked Question because she has learned from her experiences that people are bound to make judgments.  Although I love Bek’s humor and frankness in answering the question, I also thought it was very sad that she even had to say anything explaining or "justifying" her family’s plans to adopt:
Q. Why China? Aren't there enough kids in America that need homes? (unspoken, and sometimes spoken- "that seems selfish").
A. (Unspoken, sometimes spoken). None of your business! Actually, as Mak and her family are learning, being an "out loud" family means questions or comments are part of the package. Teaching moments abound. Why China? I don't know. Really. One year ago I had never spent ten seconds thinking about China. Every family is different. For my family, that's where our kid was.
I don't know any family that goes into adoption without thinking long and hard about what works for them. It's pretty personal. I know some people who have always dreamed of adopting from there. I bought a bubble blower that I happened to hand to a boy. A few other factors for us is that we live in a place that has lots of mandarin speakers, restaurants and close friends who are Chinese. Our boy won't lack for people to help him transition. Our cousin lives in our apartment and is not only the best auntie around, she also speaks mandarin!
And.. there ARE lots of kids in our country that need homes. If you have seven hours I can have that conversation with you. Kids in our foster care system often have lots of trauma before they are available for adoption. Not everyone is equipped to parent that kind of need. And the very last thing that is good for kids is to have a placement disrupted because no one was properly prepared. So, if you are going to float that question with anyone (especially me) the first thing I will ask you is either how many kids from foster care that YOU are adopting or I will ask something very intimate about your sex life. Like a person’s sex life, choices on building a family belong only to the people involved. Mostly, people are curious. And that's ok! It's fun though to play around with the crunchy people.
I happen to feel very passionately about foster care.  There is such a need for good foster homes.  However, I would never pressure anyone into fostering because it’s hard work and it’s not for everyone.  But like I mentioned before, I have been guilty myself of judging others for not recognizing the need of providing children in the United States with temporary or permanent homes.   Allow me to share one example:

A couple years ago a dear friend of mine visited Africa as part of a humanitarian trip.  As part of the services rendered she was able to visit an orphanage.  She immediately fell in love with the children she saw, especially those with special needs who could benefit greatly from advanced medical care and early intervention services available in the U.S.  Before returning home from her trip she confided in me that, as crazy as it sounded, she wanted to bring home one of the babies from the orphanage to adopt- Literally.

Of course, when I heard of my friend's plans I was like, “Whoa, Nellie!  I know you have contacts over there, but what agency do you plan on going through?  Is it a Hague Accredited Agency?  Otherwise, you could legally run the risk of human trafficking regardless of how worthy your intentions might be.  Adoption isn’t a process like picking out a puppy from a pound and taking them home.  There is a LOT of paperwork involved, research, and how are you going to get a home study approved so fast and background checks for all members of your family?”

My friend is extremely compassionate so her desire to bring relief to the orphans she interacted with came as no surprise to me.  After all, who wouldn’t be moved to bring home a child from an orphanage after visiting, right?  It was the way my friend was approaching the situation, rather than her desire to help, that concerned me. And here’s where I started to feel somewhat judgmental towards my friend (because I’m human and not perfect).  I thought to myself, “If she wants to adopt a child or provide an environment and opportunities to a child that they would not have otherwise why is it that she has to go halfway around the world to do that?  There are literally over 100,000 children in the U.S foster care system legally freed for adoption who would benefit from being in her home and in her family.  Are these kids not exotic enough or special enough?”

Fortunately, I recognized that I was being judgmental and so I settled down and just left it at “That’s AWESOME that she had a life-changing experience.  She wants to make a difference.  Good for her!”  And, in case you’re wondering, she didn’t end up adopting an orphan but she does have additional humanitarian trips planned in her future because of her experiences.

My point in sharing these stories and experiences is that it really is rather silly to argue about which path to adoption is best or most needful.  Every family or individual’s decision to adopt is a very personal one.  It’s kind of like- [going back to the plight of refugees, as I first started off my post]- when I see people getting into heated political arguments about “Which is better- to use our tax money to support homeless veterans or to provide relief for refugees?”  My personal feelings is that it’s not an either/or situation- how about BOTH!

So the next time you hear someone expressing a view (or you find yourself expressing a viewpoint) about which is “better/more needful”- adopting a child from another country, adopting domestically, adopting an infant, or adopting an older child- perhaps we can remember that ALL of them are wonderful options!

New Challenges

When our little boy was adopted from foster care at 2 ½ years of age we were delighted at the leaps and bounds he had made over the year and a half since being placed in our home.  When he was first placed with us he was behind in motor development, unable to calm himself down if left alone in a room for ANY period of time, and as he got older it was apparent he was behind in expressive language skills as well.   I remember honestly worrying about if he would ever learn to talk instead of just grunt.  Fortunately, he qualified for services and received occupational and speech therapy in our home.  By the time we adopted him he had graduated from his therapies and I remember breathing a sigh of relief and perhaps somewhat naively thinking, “Maybe he’s all ‘caught up’ now!” 

Fast forward a couple of years and he is an inquisitive preschooler.  How ironic that I ever worried about him not being able to talk because now the opposite is true as he is at the stage where he asks questions about everything!

Although my four-year-old is pretty much “on track” as far as getting along with people and forming attachments, over the past couple of years my husband and I have noticed a few concerns in his development where he seems to be somewhat slower or he even has some “quirks” for lack of a better word.  Sure, he can function but there are a few areas that are a little "off". 

Our suspicions about our son’s development were confirmed when at a Parent Teacher Conference  last year his preschool teacher shared some of her observations which mirrored our concerns. “So it’s not just us” I thought to myself.  His pre-school teacher suggested that he be evaluated for Special Education Pre-School.  I immediately got the evaluation set up and a couple months later he was evaluated by a team of child development specialists which resulted in some good news and bad news.  But before I get to the results let me share some of my thoughts that were going through my mind at his evaluation:

Before the evaluation began I was surprised at how emotional I became as I was filling out a questionnaire regarding his development.  As I answered some of the questions which I have answered in the past on similar questionnaires I became overwhelmed with a sense of both amazement and gratitude at how far he’s come.  I actually felt tears start to from in the corners of my eyes.

Then I felt a tinge of sadness that he is still lacking in some areas.  I noticed how a few of the other children at the evaluation couldn’t let go and separate from their parents to even begin the testing in the first place.  In some cases, their parent had to sit next to them the whole time while most of the parents just watched their children from a distance on some chairs set up.  There were a few other cases where a child could hardly sit still and I remembered thinking (since my son was eager to move from test station to test station as if he were moving from one carnival ride or game to another) “At least he’s not too bad,”  And then I immediately felt guilty for feeling relieved that things aren’t worse when other parents have to deal with such difficult situations and behaviors.  It was like a roller coaster of emotions in a matter of minutes.

After my son moved to all the different “stations” set up at the evaluation- one to check his vision, one to see if he could count and recognize numbers, one in which his fine and gross motor skills were assessed, etc. he was allowed to play with some play-doh at a table.  The Special Education Coordinator informed me that he was done with the testing and that she wanted to discuss his results with me.  We stepped into an adjacent private room.

“What are your biggest concerns regarding your son?”  She asked me.  I almost wondered if it were a trick question or if she were testing the waters before breaking into some bad news.  I explained his history and some of our concerns and after citing a specific example she said, “The children we work with have trouble walking- period.”  which I pretty much translated as, “maybe your child doesn’t walk the same as other children but at least he’s walking.”  Don’t’ get me wrong, this woman wasn’t trying to be condescending or anything, she was just explaining that he wasn’t visibly far enough behind in certain areas of development to qualify for special education.

She then proceeded to show me the results of his tests and where he stood in relation to other children and announced, “He didn’t qualify for services.”  The news that he didn’t qualify for special education preschool was both a relief but also a frustration as I know that he’s not at a level where he should be.  I did, however, appreciate the coordinator taking the time to go back to the physical therapist who performed part of the evaluation to ask some clarifying questions about my son and then coming back with some suggestions based on his feedback.

 The bad news is that the evaluation didn’t pinpoint exactly what might be wrong with our son- or perhaps “developmentally lacking” might be a better phrase to use.   I happen to be persistent when I want some answers- even more so when it benefits someone I love- so I have done a bit of reading and research and am happy to report that another evaluation with an occupational therapist is set up in the near future to see what, if any, diagnoses could be made, but more importantly than any labels is what services our son could benefit from.

One of my points in sharing this is that even in cases where you think, “This child is all caught up!  They’ve come so far!” I was reminded that the brain continues to develop through young adulthood and in each new stage there may be new issues that manifest themselves.   

I want to share something else I’ve come to realize as a foster adoptive mother.  Our little boy was just 11 months old when he was placed with us, but his little sister whom we adopted at the same time we adopted him, was placed with us as a newborn right out of the hospital.  I sometimes think, “Well, since we got her from the very beginning (as opposed to her older brother) we have a ‘fresh slate’.  Wrong!  Her in-utero development and genetic make-up has as much to do with her development as our home environment and the nurturing she’s received while in our care.  Nurture and nature BOTH play a role in how a child will turn out. 

As far as any special needs our youngest daughter may have, I think it is important to remember that when she’s throwing a fit or having trouble regulating herself that it is not necessarily a reflection on my parenting but rather, a reflection of what’s going on in her mind and body.  It is MY reaction, however, that is crucial in influencing how she handles stress in the future.

I have my predictions as to which official diagnoses my daughter will have as time goes on.  Many times official diagnoses for learning disabilities or other issues can't accurately be made until kindergarten or first grade when a child can be observed in a classroom setting.  However, I do know of at least one psychologist in my area who offers comprehensive neurobehavioral evaluations for children as young as pre-school aged.

As far as raising children with special needs (and discovering more about WHAT their special needs are and how they can be treated) I guess I have a love/hate relationship with diagnoses or labels.  Although I love being able to have an answer and to know “There’s a reason for this!” the important thing for me to remember is to see and love the child behind each diagnosis.  After all, people are much more than just labels.

Special Needs Parenting Preparation & New Challenges


Over the past ten years we've fostered children with various special needs including drug addicted babies going through withdrawals, toddlers and preschoolers with speech and motor delays requiring early intervention services and therapies, and children who, for a variety of reasons, had trouble regulating their emotions.

As foster parents we felt it was our job to provide all the nurturing, stimulation, and support we could in order for these babies and children to get "caught up" on their developmental milestones, learn to adjust, or, in the least, to help them feel that they were in a safe enough environment before any other changes could take place.  I have certainly come to understand that survival takes precedence over thriving- not just in a child's brain development but in the way I care for children who have special needs.*

After we had done our "job" with these children and they would be returned to live with their families or relatives, we could only hope and pray that their caregivers would continue with services or have the appropriate tools, if not support, to meet their children's needs.  In a few cases we've been able to keep in touch with our foster children and their families to see how they're doing but in most cases we have not been able to do so.

It's only been over the past couple of years that our role has changed from taking care of "other people's children" with special needs to becoming the full-time legal parents to not just one, but two children with special needs as we ended up adopting a sibling group of two of our former foster children.  These children are now our children, and as such, it has presented us with some new challenges.

"But They Look Just Fine"

I think that one of the hardest parts about being a parent to a child with special needs is when they look like "typical" children in their appearances. What I mean by that is that if you were to see someone in a wheelchair you would automatically know "They have an injury or disability- that's the reason they aren't walking and are using a wheelchair to get around."  Or if you were to see someone with down syndrome it would register with you, "I can tell by their facial features that they have down syndrome; that is the reason they are likely to be slower in their development and have some physical complications as well."  However, you can't necessarily tell if someone has a learning disability or mental illness just by looking at them.

Our youngest children aren't in wheelchairs, they don't have braces on their legs or G.I. tubes, nor do they exhibit the facial features of someone with down syndrome or some cases of fetal alcohol syndrome.  Yet, they have special needs- perhaps not severe special needs, mind you, but needs that definitely require extra understanding and attention.  Most people would never know this simply by looking at them.  However, after spending some time with them, a teacher (or other observant person who is familiar with normative child development) might notice some lags in their development and/or some slight disruptions in their behaviors.

For instance, just this week our three year old's teacher at church pulled me aside in the hall and said, in essence, "Your little girl can be overactive at times and has a hard time sitting still but I can sense her fragility and sweetness."  I immediately felt the need to apologize that I am not always able to lend an extra hand to sit with her as I have an older Sunday School class to teach, to which her teacher replied, "Don't worry- she's young and still learning!"  Good point.  After all, what 3 year old is automatically able to sit still on chairs for minutes at a time and listen to lessons and sing songs rather than playing with toys and having snacks and running around as they had previously done in the Nursery?  It's a hard adjustment and for some kids it is easier for others.

My little girl's teacher then said something very specific which caught my attention.  She continued, "I don't know what her story is . . . but I'm aware of her. (or "I'm glad to have her in class" or something like that.)  I started zoning out as soon as she said, "I don't know what her story is" because I began wondering Is she asking me for more information?  Or is she just trying to tell me, "Whatever is wrong- don't worry about it.  I've got this."  I wasn't sure and since we were just passing each other in the hall it wasn't an opportune time for me to say, "Pull up a chair and let me tell you all about it!"  Instead, I just smiled and said, "Thank you for your patience with her."  which I genuinely meant and I just left it at that.

That experience brought up a lot of tender feelings inside of me, as well as a challenge I currently face and will likely face in the future as well:  It's been challenging to know how much of our children's past histories we should share with others and it begs the question: What are the pros and cons of sharing my children's personal histories/special needs with others?


-Knowing their backgrounds can be helpful for teachers or caregivers of my children to understand where they're coming from.

-There may be someone else familiar with special needs (visible of invisible) who can relate.

-In cases where people are not necessarily familiar with the issues, it's a good opportunity to educate or advocate for special needs and/or foster care.


-People can be judgmental.  On that note . . .

- I don't like labels.  My children are my children, first and foremost.  They may be children who happen to be adopted or children who have been in the foster care system or children who have special needs but, above all, they are my children.

-Although labels serve the convenience of being able to explain things in a few short words, they can often create even more judgments and stereotypes.  For example, even if I were to use the phrase "drug exposed in utero" rather than "drug baby" or "child who was placed into foster care" rather than "foster child" there are bound to be some strong assumptions and connotations surrounding those words.  And let's face it, they're not often pleasant connotations because they aren't pleasant scenarios.

-I want to be respectful of my child's history as their history and story to tell.  

This one is tricky for two reasons:

1) My children's histories have become a part of MY story as well.
2) My youngest children are too young to even fully understand or articulate their histories for themselves.

With that background, I am going to err on the side of sharing my perspective of parenting a child with special needs (rather than withholding my experiences) in the hope that it can bring awareness or help someone out who finds themselves in a similar situation.

* [The works of the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, Dr. Dan Siegel, and Dr.s John & Julia Gottman have been INDISPENSABLE in helping me understand how to effectively care for children coming from backgrounds of trauma!]

Grieving My Losses Regarding My Children's Histories

Adoption is a cure for childlessness but it is not a cure for infertility.  I’ve heard this plenty of times but I’ve had some recent experiences where I think- “Okay- I think I understand what that means now.” 

I admit, sometimes I feel guilty for having any “issues” surrounding my own infertility now that I have three beautiful children thanks to adoption, but the fact is, there is grief and loss for everyone involved in adoption including adoptive parents- and those issues come and go.  While I generally put any losses or issues of my children above my own I also know that it is needful for me to address any losses I feel on my part, so allow me to share some of my thoughts:                          

Perhaps the biggest “loss” that I have felt regarding my children is not necessarily that they didn’t come from my womb but in a few cases, that I couldn’t protect them from harmful substances while they were in the womb of their birth mother.  It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure why a baby would be removed from his or her mother at birth and placed in a foster home so I’ll just leave it at that without going into details.

     Another huge loss I’ve felt:  It makes me sad that I missed out on the first year of my son’s life.  I never got to see him or hold him as a newborn.  Think of all the bonding we could have had!  It makes me upset and out of control that I have no idea how much he had to suffer the first eleven months of his life before he was placed with our family.  I know that his birth parents loved him but his environment was such that he was court-ordered into state custody for his own safety.  Obviously, things weren’t ideal for him but I don’t know the extent of what he had to go through.

     The part that makes me “angry” about the in-utero or early environment of my children is how it will affect their cognitive, emotional, motor- basically any neurological development which, as research has shown, is profoundly affected not only prenatally but during the first three years of life as well.  Does that mean if I had given birth to a child who was, for example, physically deformed or had a disability that I wouldn’t love them?  Of course not!  It’s not that I would ever stop loving any of my children because they are less than perfect but the fact that some of my children’s development may have deficits which could have been totally preventable is the part that makes me angry.

   I’ve noticed some other infertility issues creep up lately as two of my nieces have welcomed baby boys into their families- by birth.  Each of these babies was longed for and celebrated by so many when they finally arrived- and I use the term “finally” because in both cases, they didn’t come easily.  I have been happy to welcome these babies into my extended family, but I’ve got to admit that I forgot just how much celebrating involves not only welcoming another member into a family but celebrating the passing on of genes!  There have been so many comments as my nieces share pictures of their sweet babies about how much their children resemble this family member or that family member.  I’m just as guilty as everyone else in my comments because it’s impossible not to notice “Wow- he’s got so and so’s eyes!” or “He looks like this (or that) side of the family.” 

Does a child have to look like you or even share your DNA to be loved or any more or less of your child?  Of course not- has Tarzan taught us nothing?!  

But I’ve gotta admit- it’s pretty amazing when someone can notice their own physical traits literally passed on and expressed in another human being.  I guess in a nutshell, I am jealous of my niece’s experiences of being able to pass on their genes to their children.  Please don’t take that for granted if you have biological children!

So since I’m on a roll here . . .  As hard as it is to admit as well, I am somewhat jealous of the accolades each of my nieces received from others about enduring such hard pregnancies and/or deliveries for the sake of their children.  I’m willing to admit this and sound insecure at the risk that it might help another infertile or adoptive mom out there to know “I’m not the only one!” I’ve never been able to make that kind of a physical sacrifice for any of my children.  And I’ve never had the opportunity to bond with my children before they were born, as that is a privilege shared between them and their birth mothers. 

NOTE:  I’m fully aware that there may be a birth mother/first mother reading about my thoughts who shares the total opposite perspective: “My son (or daughter’s) adoptive parents are so lucky!  I’m the one who had to suffer through pregnancy and delivery and didn’t have enough time with him and now they’re the ones who get to raise him!”  Which perspective is valid?  Both.  Everybody’s adoption story is a personal one which will vary.

Post-Adopt Challenges

(A continuation from my last post)

Sometimes when you have so much on your mind that you realize you are already at 900+ words, you start a new post as a continuation and the introductory paragraph is the concluding paragraph from your last post:

Dealing with birth parent visits, court hearings, home visits by caseworkers, and extra paperwork at medical and dental appointments are issues that I don’t have to worry about anymore since we adopted our two youngest children from foster care.  But that does not mean that the “work” is done or that the hard parts are completely over.  Rather, I have found that there is a continuation of work and dedication in meeting the needs and issues that my children and I will face.  

We adopted our two youngest children from foster care two years ago- after they had been living in our home as our foster children for over a year and a half.  In the past two years I have discovered at least two major areas of “work” that continue on their behalf and one area of “work” that I have acknowledged in myself:
  •     Their relationship, identity, and contact with their Birth parents
  •    Seeking Post-Adoption Support and services for new diagnoses
  •   Grieving Over/Processing my own Losses regarding their histories.

My Children’s relationship, identity to, and contact with Their Birth parents

Hypothetically speaking, even if a child was adopted at birth and the adoption is closed does that mean that the child will never have questions about or a longing for their birth parents?

Even if a child is “too young” to understand, adoption does that mean that their adoptive parents should not share information with the child about their birth parents and how they joined their family?

I suppose these two questions are rhetorical as well, because in my humble opinion, children deserve to know about their history- from the very beginning- even if there are some not-so-happy elements about it.  With this in mind, I am still learning to navigate exactly how much to share with our youngest two children about their first family and their birth parent's histories.  It’s a little easier to share our oldest daughter’s history with her as her birth mother chose us from the very beginning to be her parents.

In the case of foster adoption, birth families have no choice of who ends up adopting their children (if relatives are not an available option).  In addition, continued contact with birth family is not always in the best interest of the children for safety reasons- hence the reason for removing the child from their first family in the first place.  Such a heartbreaking situation on many levels.

In the case of our youngest children it’s also complicated when one birth parent has chosen to no longer be in their lives and the other birth parent would like a relationship with them but is not always accessible.  On my part I can always send pictures and hope that they are received even if I don't get a response back.

Seeking post-adoption support and services for new diagnoses

I could probably write two or three posts alone on this particular subject.  Instead, let me just pass on a few observations about post-adoption support, particularly in cases of foster adoption:

1) If you have adopted from foster care, you should have a post-adopt worker assigned to you.  If you don’t know who that is, contact the state or agency you went through!  Although I have only spoken with our post-adoption worker once over the phone, I was very impressed with her willingness to help me find the resources I needed.

2) In addition to your post-adoption worker, other foster parents who have adopted are often the best source of support.  Case in point: I had a question/concern about the best ways to get one of my children settled down for sleep at night and to sleep through the night.  Sleep issues are not uncommon for foster parents to deal with but this particular issue was slightly different than other cases I have dealt with (again- I may explore this issue in another post).  I posed a question to a private, online forum of foster parents and I not only got some great advice within a matter of minutes from parents of children with similar backgrounds/diagnoses to my child’s but I felt so VALIDATED in my frustrations about dealing with this particular issue.

 Children are placed into foster care because of abuse and neglect.  Many times this abuse/neglect or domestic violence is amplified by substance abuse problems.  Therefore,
3)  it is VITAL when caring for children in the foster care system to be prepared for issues in the child’s development specific to trauma and exposure to drugs.  I think it is also safe to say (although I can only think of one specific statistic- see graphic below- off the top of my head) that children in foster care are disproportionately at risk as compared to their counterparts not in foster care for mental health diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD, ADHD- and even ODD, RAD, or Sensory Processing Disorder.

     Now here’s the thing about dealing with diagnoses or issues specific to children in foster care: In pre-service training our trainer did a good job of teaching us what kind of behaviors or issues we might expect in the children who came through our home.  However, it’s kind of like when you get a placement or even AFTER an adoption has been finalized, you find yourself dealing with an issue or behavior and you realize, “Okay, they told us this might happen, but what exactly do we do about it now?   What services are available for this child and where can I learn more about how to effectively parent in this situation?”   This is where post-adoption support and reaching out to other foster-adoptive families can be so beneficial!  

For general post-adoption support resources, click below:


To search for information from a particular state, click below:


Grieving/Processing My Own Losses Regarding my Children’s Histories

     I've focused this post on meeting the needs of my children and seeking out support, so I will save this last particular issue for a different post.

Adoption Finalization is Just the Beginning

I have a dear friend and fellow foster mom who recently attended a Permanency Hearing for her foster children after having them in her care for a year now.  To say that my friend and her family have been on a constant year-long roller coaster ride would be an understatement.  You see, I think all fost-adopt cases where parental rights have not yet been terminated are bound to have twists and turns and a few surprises thrown in which can be especially hard to deal with if you’re someone who thrives on predictability and stability.  (I happen to be a big fan of predictability and stability, aren’t most people?)

 In my friend’s case, the stability factor- not just for her own family but for the precious children in her care- can, at best, be described as “non-existent” as her case is an ICWA case.  As I watched my friend struggle with mixed emotions surrounding the case it brought back a lot of memories for me of cases past, specifically:
  • Wanting the birthparents to succeed but knowing, given their past histories, that it isn’t likely.
  • Wanting more than anything for the children in my care to end up in the safest, most loving situation possible.
  • Not knowing if these children are going to be a part of your family in the long run
  • Preparing myself and family members for the grieving process in the case that reunification occurs
  • Feeling resentful when birthparents who have been given ample time, resources, and opportunities to meet the requirements of their Service Plans put forth very little effort and yet, are given another extension.  (I am certain that, in my friend’s case, parental rights would have been terminated long ago but the only reason the parents have been given repeated multiple chances and extensions is because it is an ICWA case)
  • Feeling heartbroken for the children in your care when their parents don’t show up (again) for another required visit
  • Feeling resentful when YOU are the one left to comfort the child post-visits as they grieve, rage, or regress
  • Feeling extremely concerned when the birthparents express hesitation/annoyance/doubt at having to sit through all 2 or 3 hours of a weekly visit when THESE ARE THEIR CHILDREN and these children will very likely be returning to their 24/7 full-time care in a matter of months!
  • Worrying that there has not been an effective transitional period planned which not only benefits the children but their parents as well

I think you get the idea of how my friend’s concerns echoed many of my concerns in the past.  And if you’re a foster parent you’re most likely nodding your head in agreement because you’ve been there.

One might figure that once parental rights are terminated in cases such as these or when the adoption is finalized that it marks the “Happily Ever After” or “The End”.  Although there is much relief at TPR or Adoption Finalization I have discovered that in actuality, it is just “The Beginning” of a lifetime of continued commitment to a child.

Yes, it is nice not to have caseworkers regularly come to your home to see if the kids are okay.  Don’t get me wrong- although the purpose of required home visits is necessary to ensure the well-being of children, sometimes as a foster parent it can feel a bit intrusive or even accusatory like, “We need to make sure that you aren’t doing anything wrong in your parenting.” 

It’s also a relief when you don’t have to document every scrape or scratch your child gets for fear of allegations of investigations.  My rambunctious three year old, whom we adopted from foster care two years ago, recently took a nose-dive from our coffee table onto our floor.  As soon as I heard her crying out and her nose started swelling up I took her to Urgent Care.  While I was checking her in at the reception area I experienced a state of automatic, momentary panic and I thought to myself, “Whom do I need to call to report this injury?   What extra paperwork do I need to fill out?”  And then I remembered, “I don’t have to report this to anyone because she is MY child.  She is no longer in state custody.”  It’s funny how fostering for over a decade can alter your thinking.

Even when the doctor came in to examine my little girl and started asking, “So, how did this happen?”  I became somewhat nervous.  Was I being scrutinized?  When I explained that she is very active and she was just rough-housing he casually replied, “Injuries like this are pretty common.”  I was put at ease and realized that the doctor was just trying to do his job and get information and that yes, accidents do happen even in the presence of the most vigilant parents.  [Incidentally, I also learned that x-rays on a nose can’t be taken until 3-4 days after the swelling goes down to see if the nose is actually broken or if the septum has been pushed to the side.  In our case, we lucked out because it was just a very bad sprain.]

Dealing with birth parent visits, court hearings, home visits by caseworkers, and extra paperwork at medical and dental appointments are issues that I don’t have to worry about anymore since we adopted our two youngest children from foster care.  But that does not mean that the “work” is done or that the hard parts are completely over.  Rather, I have found that there is a continuation of work and dedication in meeting the needs and issues that my children and I will face.   

Seven Core Issues in Adoption

I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND that anyone who has:

- been adopted
- loves someone who has been adopted
-has placed a child for adoption
-has had their parental rights terminated and had another family adopt their child
-loves someone who has placed a child for adoption
-loves someone whose child has been adopted (not necessarily by their own choice)
-has adopted
- who is considering adopting , or
-loves someone who is considering adopting or has adopted

[Maybe not so familiar that you have to study them and pass a quiz type familiar- but familiar enough with the concept that adoption is a complex issue and as wonderful as it CAN be, there is loss felt by all involved in adoption which needs to be recognized.]

Click Images for a Clear View

This research was compiled in by two women, Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan Roszia, in the 1980s. 
To learn more about their findings click

What struck me most about the research presented in these charts is that:

*  Grief and Loss seem to be the main issues of adoption trauma but I appreciated learning more about other areas that affect ALL members of the adoption triad, including rejection, guilt and shame, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.

*Each of these core issues appear and reappear at different stages of development and in much more than just one arena of a person’s life.

*I found it particularly interesting that birthparent grief can be “postponed” for up to 15 years.  Thank goodness for awareness and support groups.