Top 70 Foster Blogs

 I was looking through my emails this morning and came across one which I initially thought might be junk mail.  It turns out this blog was "selected by FeedSpot as one of the Top 70 Foster Blogs on the web."

I am spreading the word by mentioning the Top 70 Foster Blogs here.  Feedspot is an RSS Reader that lets you subscribe to blogs, news sites, and any website you want to keep up with.

A couple clarifications on this description: Yes, I have adopted three children, but only two of those were through the foster care system while our first adoption was a private domestic adoption.  I also think it's interesting that my blog is categorized as "Christian" because although I didn't set out to be a Christian blog, I guess I have, in fact, mentioned God and prayer and following the promptings of the Holy Spirit.

I remember before I went back to graduate school and entered the [paid] workforce how this blog would be so cathartic for me to get out my feelings and pass on a few things I'd learned.  Although I would love to continue advocating it's a bit tricky to use a public platform to "vent" about experiences, especially when they involve my real-life children.  I've always used pseudonyms to protect privacy, but at the same time it's not too hard to put two and two together .

Anyway, maybe you can discover some new blogs to follow through the list I shared and know that although I haven't put the time into writing here as I used to, I constantly have things brewing in my head. Taking the time to get them out on the keyboard is that hard part!

October 2025 Update- Part 1 (Jill)

Jill spent eight weeks in her intensive outpatient treatment and is now back in “regular” school full-time. Technically, the last two weeks she spent only 3 and a half hours twice a week at her IOP and then the other three weekdays she would spend the entire school day at her old school.  We decided to go that route so that there was a bit of a transition and not too much of a shock or burnout from going back to regular school full-time all at once. 

I also contacted the school counselor before she returned to school to set up regular check-ins with her and met with her teacher and the principal in person about updating her 504 and giving them a summary of any concerns and ways to be of support to Jill.  However, before meeting with the principal and her teacher I was required to meet with the Student and Family Resources Director on the district level at the district offices who met with Jill and I (since she’s been out of school for most of the first term) and he documented that she did, in fact, qualify for accommodations and would be returning to public school full-time.

I’ve never had a child who qualified for an IEP before, but after receiving assessment results from a speech pathologist at Jill’s IOP the last week she was there, they recommended she get some testing done and have accommodations put in place for receptive language. So, after more testing under the direction of the school psychologist she’ll most likely not only have a 504, but an IEP as well.  Jill has been a chatterbox since she was preschool aged and has never had any problems with speaking or forming sounds, but I guess things like picking up on social cues/nonverbal communication and taking things literally rather than figuratively (indicative of autism) can fall under the category of speech/language concerns.   

I should probably be used to it by now, but when I was looking at Jill’s discharge paperwork I started feeling a little overwhelmed and sad because there wasn’t just one diagnosis listed- but multiple: depression, anxiety, ADHD, and autism.  I think raising a child with just one of those challenges could be difficult, but then when there’s several overlapping symptoms all at once it just can feel a little . . . discouraging.  Jill hasn’t even entered junior high yet and I worry what things will look like in the future when I use how she is currently as a baseline.

As for continuing care we can actually use the staff at her outpatient treatment center for medication management which will be slightly easier than working through her psychiatrist every three months or so.  We have also decided to have her continue seeing the therapist she saw for individual therapy at her Outpatient program for ongoing therapy (for now at least) since they have a good relationship and she “fired” her last therapist for siding too much on issues with mom and dad.  Jill’s therapist at her IOP was very knowledgeable about autism and even recommended some good books and resources for us, including this book.

However, her therapist also suggested that we might try to find a clinician more knowledgeable about adoption issues.  I laughed when I got a list of some providers who fit that criteria and immediately noticed that a couple of them were my former coworkers.  I have no doubt they would be great, but that would also be slightly awkward for my child to complain to them on occasion about how mean her parents are and how much she hates her family, etc.

Speaking of adoption competent therapists, last month (after completing a final exam) I completed a yearlong professional Training for Adoption Competency (TAC) for mental health practitioners and other adoption professionals under the Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE).  We discussed, in detail, the seven core issues of adoption and best clinical practices for clients impacted by adoption (adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, grandparents, siblings, etc.)  Although I currently only have one client who is a transracial adoptee, I had a lot of success in working through some of the chapters from this book with her:

I recently recommended this book to another adoptive mom as well.

How to Raise a Happy, Healthy Child Through Every Phase of Life

The following is a guest post contributed by Abby Holt of craftability.org.

Photo Source: Unsplash

Becoming a parent means diving into the unknown. No matter how much you think you know about what it takes to raise a child, your kid will somehow manage to completely surprise you at every turn! Yes, parenthood means facing new obstacles, especially if your child has special needs, but you don’t have to stumble your way through it all. We’ve collected some valuable resources packed with advice on caring for your child through every year of their lives. 

Creating Structured Routines

Children benefit from having predictable routines set by their parents, and even older children will need your guidance on structuring their routines.

Baby Feeding Schedule: A Guide to the First Year

Best Ways to Help Children Fall Asleep at Nap Time

How to Get Your Teen Up for School

Teaching Your Child to Love Learning

Learning is a lifelong endeavor, and it shouldn’t stop when your child leaves school! 

Helping Your Child Learn to Read

Tips for Homeschooling Math

How to Help Your Teen Develop Good Study Habits

How to Safely Observe Wildlife from Your Home

Encourage Healthy Habits

It’s never too early to start teaching your child about healthy everyday habits, from healthy nutrition tips to physical exercise.

Toddler Eating Habits: A Few Golden Rules

9 Secrets to Managing Your Child’s Screen Time

8 Great Ways to Get Your Teen to Exercise

 Educate Your Child About Relationships

Throughout your child’s life, they will turn to you for advice on friendships and romantic relationships. These resources will help you prepare to answer their questions.

Getting Preschoolers to Share

How to Help Your Child Make Friends

Teach Your Teen to Set Emotional Boundaries

Many parents struggle with insecurity and doubt when they start a family. After all, it’s common for parents to hear lots of conflicting advice about what is best for their children. But with these resources, you’ll be able to discern which tips will be most helpful for you and your family.

Using Attachment, Regulation, and Competency Modality with Foster Children

This is a summary/review of an assignment I did last semester.

Background:  This year I am doing my internship with an agency that contracts with DCFS to provide Mental Health Assessments and Individual and Family Therapy to children and adolescents who are currently in the foster care system or who have been adopted (in many instances) from foster care. 

Employees at my work are required to read the book Treating Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents: How to Foster Resilience and through Attachment, Self-Regulation, and Competency written by two clinicians, Margaret Blaustein and Kristine Kinniburgh.  Blaustein and Kinniburgh are a clinical psychologist and a clinical social worker who both specialize in treating complex childhood trauma and/or in incorporating trauma-informed practices into a range of settings.  These two women were influenced by the work of Dr. Bessell Van der Kolk, among other clinicians, who work with clients impacted by trauma and they have developed a specific treatment framework called the ARC Modality which is used to treat developmental trauma and accompanying problems in youth.   

Before I explain the ARC Modality, I will summarize what Treating Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents teaches about developmental trauma and how that fits into my internship:  The population that I work with would never have come into state custody in the first place if they hadn’t suffered from abuse, neglect, or abandonment.  Although the symptoms and diagnoses of my clients vary, all of these children are suffering in some degree from the affects of developmental trauma which can be defined as chronic trauma caused by a child’s caregivers early in life which greatly affects, among other areas, their ability to form safe and healthy attachments with others.  There are many other traumas such as a car accident, natural disaster, or sexual assault which can result in the victim developing acute stress disorder, adjustment disorder, or PTSD.  The difference between a traumatic event such as a car accident or fire, for example, versus parental neglect and child abuse is that they are not usually caused by an individual’s caretaker who has the responsibility to care for them so the child’s ability to trust and form safe and healthy attachments is greatly impacted, sometimes resulting in attachment disorders such as Reactive Attachment Disorder or Disinhibited Social Engagement Disorder.  Many children suffering from early trauma at the hands of their caregivers also have trouble regulating their emotions since so much of their energy and brain is stuck in “fight, flight, or freeze” mode or they are triggered easily.

ARC stands for Attachment,Regulation, and Competency which are the three different domains of their treatment.  When I develop treatment plans and therapy goals with my clients at work I am required to use the ARC Modality.  

 Attachment refers to being able to connect with people in a safe way which is hard for a lot of kids if they never had the opportunity for their parents or first families to meet their needs and model what a healthy, nurturing parent-child securely attached relationship looks like for them.  Regulation simply refers to not only being able to identify emotions in oneself and others but being able to express those emotions in healthy ways (not kicking or hitting other people when you’re angry, etc).  or, on the other extreme, not ignoring or dissociating from unpleasant emotions and sensations.  Competency refers to being able to function executively and follow through with basic tasks of everyday living. 

The majority of my sessions with clients focus on the simple goal of affect identification and regulation- or simply put, being aware of one’s emotions and keeping them in check.  This book not only gives an overview of attachment theory and developmental trauma, but also contains some assessment questions and suggested interventions for treating each of the domains in the ARC Modality- Attachment, Regulation, and Competency.  It’s been especially helpful to get ideas for interventions for attachment because I’ve recently started doing family therapy with a few clients either between parent and child or siblings together and attachment is almost always primarily what we work on in those sessions.  In addition, some of the attachment interventions are ones I can use to increase attunement with my own children in my own home.

If you currently work with or have an interest in working with clients or families who have suffered attachment injuries or developmental trauma I recommend reading the book Treating Traumatic Stress in Children and Adolescents.

GIVEAWAY: Foster Care- One Dog's Story of Change

*To skip to the Giveaway Scroll to the Bottom*

How many fictional children's books do you know of that address the subject of children being in foster care?  There are not many out there, but I would like to introduce you to a wonderful newly published resource:

Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change was written by bestselling author Julia Cook who is not only an author but a counselor as well.  Julia's intent in writing Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change was to help children in foster care to know that they are not alone.  This is a needful objective considering that 273,539 children entered foster care in 2016 according to statistics released from the U.S. Children's Bureau.

Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change explores the ambivalent feelings of children in foster care, although technically the children are not humans but animals.  The illustrations for this book, courtesy Marcela Calderon, are darling!  Of course, I may be somewhat biased because I once had a pug and the main character of the book, a little dog named Foster, happens to be a pug.

One of the most touching parts of the books to me was when, after a caseworker removes one of the animal characters, Zeke, from his home to a safe house she introduces him to her "many friends", including a social worker, a counselor, an attorney, and a doctor who are all work together on the same team- "Team Zeke". 

Zeke describes his caseworker's explanation of "Team Zeke" this way: "She said they all wanted to help me bring my family together again."  I appreciated that description of foster care because it is truly a collaboration of professionals and volunteer foster parents and others who come together for the sake of a child.  Foster care, of course, is a complex process because although the goal is to keep families together, that is not always the outcome.

The strength of this book is that it is centered on the child in foster care and helps them to understand that whatever they are feeling throughout the process: anger, fear, guilt, or sadness- it's okay.  Furthermore, the characters in this book- children living in the same foster home headed by the loving yet fair Miss Beulah, are the greatest supports to each other.  

Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change is not only an excellent resource for children in foster care, but for other children to understand what it might be like to be in foster care.  My children who were adopted from foster care don't remember much about being in foster care since they were so young when they were placed with us but I will definitely read this book with the next child who is placed in our home.

I asked my 10 year old, who has never been in foster care but who has had many foster siblings over the years, to read this book and tell me what she thought about it.  At one point as she was reading she looked over to me with a look of concern on her face and pointed to the picture on the page she was reading and referring to one of the characters explained, "He's been there for two whole years . . . that's why he's crying."  

(Mind you, this particular child can not stand to be away from her parents for more than 2 or 3 days at a time so reading about being separated from family really affected her.)

When my daughter finished the book I asked her what she thought.  These were her words:

"It's good.  It tells you what foster care would be like- you can feel lots of different things." 

I followed up with the question, "How did it make you feel?" and her answers included,

"I felt sad for them being away from their parents. I felt like if I were to go into foster care I would know what it feels like." 

Foster Care One Dog's Story of Change reassures children in foster care, helps to build awareness and sympathy in children not in foster care, and also includes some helpful tips for foster parents and educators on the last couple of pages.  Some of the most effective, in my opinion, are Co-Parenting Matters, Teamwork Matters, and Reassurance Matters.

For more information about the book: www.fostercarestorybook.com

To purchase the book: https://ncyi.org/product/foster-care/

I am eager to spread the word about this book and will be giving away two free copies of Foster Care One Dogs Story courtesy of National Center for Youth Issues to two lucky people.

Giveaway starts 4/12/18 and ends 4/19/18

There are two ways you can enter this giveaway through Rafflecopter:

1) Leave a comment on this blog post telling me where you're from.

2) Visit Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experience's Facebook Page and tag someone in the comments who would be interested in this book.

That's it!  Two possible entries available and the winner will be randomly selected by Rafflecopter and announced on 4/19/18.

a Rafflecopter giveaway

ACEs & The Protective Power of Connection

I have been fascinated with the concept of Adverse Childhood Experiences (ACEs) having an impact on physical health since I first heard about the groundbreaking study and acronym at a Child Abuse Prevention Conference I attended years ago.

Here's an infographic which serves as a good Cliffs Notes Version of ACEs:

The Truth About ACEs Infographic by RWJF on RWJF.org

As equally intriguing to me to learn about the impact of risk outcomes for ACEs, is just how the ACE study came about- so I'll tell you:

Dr. Vincent Felitti was a medical doctor and chief of Kaiser Permanente's Department of Preventative Medicine in the 80's.  Dr. Felitti ran an obesity clinic with the purpose of helping bring about dramatic weight loss without surgery in individuals who were significantly overweight- not just needing to lose 10 or 20 pounds but hundreds of pounds.  (On a personal note, the findings in Dr. Felitti's work with his patients is of particular interest to me since I have been both thin and obese throughout my life without any significant attributable physical explanation for my fluctuations in weight, such as a glandular disorder).

What Dr. Felitti found was that although his patients were successful at losing hundreds of pounds of weight with the aid of his methods, many of them would gain an extreme amount of weight back afterwards.  Long story short: Upon further investigation and inquiries, Dr. Felitti and his team of researchers discovered that most of his morbidly obese patients had been sexually abused as children.

 

After hearing the data Dr. Felitti presented about his obese patients in 1990, another medical doctor and epidemiologist from the Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) by the name of Robert Anda encouraged Dr. Felitti to start a much larger study researching a more general population.  This was the beginning of the ACE Study which included more than 50,000 patients.  As a measurement tool, Drs Felitti and Anda spent more than a year developing ten questions for their patients about different categories of adverse childhood experiences such as physical and sexual abuse, physical and emotional neglect, and having parents who were divorced, mentally ill, addicted, or in prison.

[Any readers interested in discovering your ACEs score can use the ACES Too High website for a quick assessment.]

As one might conclude, children in foster care have a much higher rate of ACEs than the general public. In her memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase, which I reviewed here,  Shenandoah Chefalo brought up ACEs.

So . . . speaking of ACEs,  I saw this Ted Talk a couple of weeks ago (during my night class to be exact) in which a doctor introduces the concept of ACEs to those who may not be familiar with them and I just have to recommend that you take 10 minutes and watch this clip all the way through to the end. I found it to be so inspirational and extremely pertinent to foster parents or ANYONE who works with youth.

So . . .  if research has shown that early secure attachment to caregivers is crucial to preventing addictions and major health problems later in life . . . 

AND if we also recognize the sad fact that many children and youth do not have that kind of crucial connection in their own families to serve as a protective factor, the reassuring news, as illustrated in Dr. Allison Jackson's TED Talk, is that any caring adult can make a huge difference in a child's life- even if they aren't necessarily related by blood. This certainly includes teachers, neighbors, coaches, clergy, social workers, etc. 

I was also reminded as I watched Dr. Jackson's TED Talk that in Heather Spencer's memoir, Ezra and Haddasah, which I reviewed here, Heather specifically noted that her level of hope and resiliency in overcoming her traumatic upbringing was greatly impacted by one single adult in her life- namely, her school librarian.

In his book, The Body Keeps Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma, Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk recalls the first time he heard Dr. Robert Anda presenting the results of the ACE study.

"The first time I heard Robert Anda present the results of the ACE study, he could not hold back his tears.   In his career at the CDC he had previously worked in several major risk areas, including tobacco research and cardiovascular health.  But when the ACE study data started to appear on his computer screen, he realized they had stumbled upon the gravest and most costly public health issue in the United States: child abuse.  He had calculated that its overall costs exceeded those of cancer or heart disease and that eradicating child abuse in America would reduce the overall rate of depression by more than half, alcoholism by two-thirds, and suicide, IV drug use, and domestic violence by three-quarters.  It would also have a dramatic effect on workplace performance and vastly decrease the need for incarceration."

Wow, right?  I'm not sharing all of this information to be a Debbie Downer or to guilt anyone into going out and fostering five children right this minute.  But I do think it's absolutely necessary to understand both the harming and healing power of early relationships.

The hopeful news is that for those who may not have had a stable or loving environment with their parents or other adults in their life or who feel discouraged because their ACEs score is too high, how reassuring to know that you can still BE a loving parent or adult in a child's life.

Special Needs Parenting Preparation & New Challenges

Background

Over the past ten years we've fostered children with various special needs including drug addicted babies going through withdrawals, toddlers and preschoolers with speech and motor delays requiring early intervention services and therapies, and children who, for a variety of reasons, had trouble regulating their emotions.

As foster parents we felt it was our job to provide all the nurturing, stimulation, and support we could in order for these babies and children to get "caught up" on their developmental milestones, learn to adjust, or, in the least, to help them feel that they were in a safe enough environment before any other changes could take place.  I have certainly come to understand that survival takes precedence over thriving- not just in a child's brain development but in the way I care for children who have special needs.*

After we had done our "job" with these children and they would be returned to live with their families or relatives, we could only hope and pray that their caregivers would continue with services or have the appropriate tools, if not support, to meet their children's needs.  In a few cases we've been able to keep in touch with our foster children and their families to see how they're doing but in most cases we have not been able to do so.

It's only been over the past couple of years that our role has changed from taking care of "other people's children" with special needs to becoming the full-time legal parents to not just one, but two children with special needs as we ended up adopting a sibling group of two of our former foster children.  These children are now our children, and as such, it has presented us with some new challenges.

"But They Look Just Fine"

I think that one of the hardest parts about being a parent to a child with special needs is when they look like "typical" children in their appearances. What I mean by that is that if you were to see someone in a wheelchair you would automatically know "They have an injury or disability- that's the reason they aren't walking and are using a wheelchair to get around."  Or if you were to see someone with down syndrome it would register with you, "I can tell by their facial features that they have down syndrome; that is the reason they are likely to be slower in their development and have some physical complications as well."  However, you can't necessarily tell if someone has a learning disability or mental illness just by looking at them.

Our youngest children aren't in wheelchairs, they don't have braces on their legs or G.I. tubes, nor do they exhibit the facial features of someone with down syndrome or some cases of fetal alcohol syndrome.  Yet, they have special needs- perhaps not severe special needs, mind you, but needs that definitely require extra understanding and attention.  Most people would never know this simply by looking at them.  However, after spending some time with them, a teacher (or other observant person who is familiar with normative child development) might notice some lags in their development and/or some slight disruptions in their behaviors.

For instance, just this week our three year old's teacher at church pulled me aside in the hall and said, in essence, "Your little girl can be overactive at times and has a hard time sitting still but I can sense her fragility and sweetness."  I immediately felt the need to apologize that I am not always able to lend an extra hand to sit with her as I have an older Sunday School class to teach, to which her teacher replied, "Don't worry- she's young and still learning!"  Good point.  After all, what 3 year old is automatically able to sit still on chairs for minutes at a time and listen to lessons and sing songs rather than playing with toys and having snacks and running around as they had previously done in the Nursery?  It's a hard adjustment and for some kids it is easier for others.

My little girl's teacher then said something very specific which caught my attention.  She continued, "I don't know what her story is . . . but I'm aware of her. (or "I'm glad to have her in class" or something like that.)  I started zoning out as soon as she said, "I don't know what her story is" because I began wondering Is she asking me for more information?  Or is she just trying to tell me, "Whatever is wrong- don't worry about it.  I've got this."  I wasn't sure and since we were just passing each other in the hall it wasn't an opportune time for me to say, "Pull up a chair and let me tell you all about it!"  Instead, I just smiled and said, "Thank you for your patience with her."  which I genuinely meant and I just left it at that.

That experience brought up a lot of tender feelings inside of me, as well as a challenge I currently face and will likely face in the future as well:  It's been challenging to know how much of our children's past histories we should share with others and it begs the question: What are the pros and cons of sharing my children's personal histories/special needs with others?

PROS:

-Knowing their backgrounds can be helpful for teachers or caregivers of my children to understand where they're coming from.

-There may be someone else familiar with special needs (visible of invisible) who can relate.

-In cases where people are not necessarily familiar with the issues, it's a good opportunity to educate or advocate for special needs and/or foster care.

CONS:

-People can be judgmental.  On that note . . .

- I don't like labels.  My children are my children, first and foremost.  They may be children who happen to be adopted or children who have been in the foster care system or children who have special needs but, above all, they are my children.

-Although labels serve the convenience of being able to explain things in a few short words, they can often create even more judgments and stereotypes.  For example, even if I were to use the phrase "drug exposed in utero" rather than "drug baby" or "child who was placed into foster care" rather than "foster child" there are bound to be some strong assumptions and connotations surrounding those words.  And let's face it, they're not often pleasant connotations because they aren't pleasant scenarios.

-I want to be respectful of my child's history as their history and story to tell.  

This one is tricky for two reasons:

1) My children's histories have become a part of MY story as well.
2) My youngest children are too young to even fully understand or articulate their histories for themselves.

With that background, I am going to err on the side of sharing my perspective of parenting a child with special needs (rather than withholding my experiences) in the hope that it can bring awareness or help someone out who finds themselves in a similar situation.

* [The works of the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, Dr. Dan Siegel, and Dr.s John & Julia Gottman have been INDISPENSABLE in helping me understand how to effectively care for children coming from backgrounds of trauma!]

Seven Core Issues in Adoption

I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND that anyone who has:

- been adopted

- loves someone who has been adopted

-has placed a child for adoption

-has had their parental rights terminated and had another family adopt their child

-loves someone who has placed a child for adoption

-loves someone whose child has been adopted (not necessarily by their own choice)

-has adopted

- who is considering adopting , or

-loves someone who is considering adopting or has adopted

BECOME FAMILIAR WITH THESE CHARTS!

  

[Maybe not so familiar that you have to study them and pass a quiz type familiar- but familiar enough with the concept that adoption is a complex issue and as wonderful as it CAN be, there is loss felt by all involved in adoption which needs to be recognized.]

Click Images for a Clear View

This research was compiled in by two women, Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan Roszia, in the 1980s. 

To learn more about their findings click

here: http://www.fairfamilies.org/2012/1999/99LifelongIssues.htm

What struck me most about the research presented in these charts is that:

*  Grief and Loss seem to be the main issues of adoption trauma but I appreciated learning more about other areas that affect ALL members of the adoption triad, including rejection, guilt and shame, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.

*Each of these core issues appear and reappear at different stages of development and in much more than just one arena of a person’s life.

*I found it particularly interesting that birthparent grief can be “postponed” for up to 15 years.  Thank goodness for awareness and support groups.

Garbage Bag Suitcase GIVEAWAY WINNER!

According to Random.Org, the Giveaway WINNER for a free copy of the memoir Garbage Bag Suitcase is . . . 

 Comment #6 (I didn't count Shenandoah's comment):

CONGRATULATIONS, Suzanne!  I'll be contacting you shortly.

Thank You to all who entered- it is fun to read about how foster care or adoption has affected your lives (or maybe it hasn't necessarily, but you were looking for a good read!)

It also occurred to me that the title of this post is something of a misnomer as the winner of the Giveaway didn't actually win a Garbage Bag Suitcase, but a book by that title!

Q:  When should a garbage bag be used as a suitcase?

A:  Hopefully, NEVER!  Which is why I am  always pleased to hear about organizations such as Together We Rise and Case For Character which work to ensure that no foster child has to use a trash bag to store their belongings when they are removed from their home.

Thank you again, Shen, for sharing your story and to JKS Communications for providing a copy of your memoir to my Giveaway Winner.

Garbage Bag Suitcase Book Review and GIVEAWAY

I recently finished reading a memoir sadly yet appropriately titled Garbage Bag Suitcase  written by a woman who suffered a childhood of neglect and abuse because of her parent's drug addiction and alcoholism.

Of her early childhood memories Shenandoah Chefalo recounts,

"Already I was wishing myself out of being raised by my parents. When they were home, I spent most of my time locked in my room, hiding, talking to imaginary and stuffed friends.  I daydreamed about becoming an orphan, and being taken away to live with a real family." (p. 27)

Not only did I want to take young Shenandoah under my wing and into my own home as I read about what she experienced as a child, but I also felt compelled to show some extra compassion and affection to my own children while reading her memoir.

Eventually Shenandoah got her wish of living with a family who offered her the safety, security, and calmness she was not able to experience with her own family.  As a young teenager Shenandoah spent a summer with her mother's older sister and a cousin close to her age in their California home.  Of the normalcy and routine of her new home environment, Shenandoah noted:

"In their house, schedules ran like they did on the TV shows that I watched and had longed to be a part of, like Happy Days and The Brady Bunch.  There was a dinner with a set dinnertime, and a standard bedtime with lights out.  Conversations included things like, "How was your day?" and "What did you do today?"  

These things, the questions, which absolutely irritated Michelle [her cousin] and made her feel like her mom was being overprotective and overbearing, made me swoon with delight.  Somebody who cared about what I was thinking and doing?  Someone who was thoughtful enough to put food on the table for me every day?  Sign me up!" (p.59)

Unfortunately, living with her cousin and aunt only offered a temporary refuge.  Shenandoah had returned "home" from her trip to California with essentially no home to go to and no parents to care for her as her mother had {once again} abandoned her.   Staying with her birth father or step dad were not options either.  After a short stay with her grandmother, Shenandoah entered the foster system when she was 13 years old- by her own choice nonetheless!

Shenandoah first lived with another aunt who was a foster parent before eventually moving into another foster home an hour away in a small and unfamiliar farming community because her aunt thought that home and family would be a better fit for her niece.  As with the many other moves Shenandoah was forced to make in her life, she was accompanied, once again, by her garbage bag suitcase and her stuffed animal and best friend, Love Bunny.

I wish I could tell you that Shenandoah was welcomed into a loving home by a wonderful family but that was not the case.  In fact, her foster family is the exact type of family that gives other foster families (the rest of us!) a bad name.  She recounts her next move this way:

"I assumed that families or couples who were taking in foster kids would be top-notch.  Surely someone who had gone through vigorous training, underwent state background checks, and had a caseworker checking in on them regularly would be the greatest parents of all.

     What I hadn't realized or taken into account was that the system is broken,  There are hundreds of thousands of kids in care, and very few options on where to place or even house them.  Caseworkers change monthly, sometimes more frequently.  I lost count of the number of caseworkers I had after receiving three different ones in the span of two months.  Just when I thought I could trust one to share what was really happening in my life, a new one would take over.  My fear of abandonment amplified with each change.  Because the family who was chosen for me had three children of their own, and other foster kids, it was clear that I was not there for them to dote on me like the long-lost daughter they had always wanted.

I had one purpose I soon discovered, and that was to help pay the bills.  I had become a paycheck."  (p.74-75)

Evidently there are foster families that take children into their homes just for the money.  Sad, but true.  When Shenandoah got a job at a grocery store her paycheck didn't go to herself but to her foster family to cover "expenses".  That fact alone speaks VOLUMES about the character of her foster family.

I think it is essential as part of the screening processes for foster families prior to becoming licensed to require proof (by paycheck stub or tax return) that a family can support themselves without having to rely on any public assistance or from using monthly reimbursements meant to cover the costs of caring for their foster children. 

I was heartbroken for Shenandoah when she was hospitalized following a very serious car accident and she was left to recover in the hospital for three weeks pretty much by herself since her foster family didn't bother to stay with her.  To make matters worse, during her recovery in the hospital she received a card from her estranged birth mother reading, "This could have turned out much better if you'd had died!"

WHAT?! That alone tells you all you need to know about what kind of care (or rather, lack of care) Shenandoah received in her youth. 

As though I weren't disgusted enough with Shenandoah's second foster family I was furious to read about how they continued to ask her for money even AFTER she left their care and was trying to support herself in college through working and student loans.  This leads me to some good news:

Shenandoah aged out of the foster care system and I don't know about you, but when I hear the term "aging out" dismal statistics come to my mind, including high rates of homelessness and incarceration.  Although Shenandoah aged out of the system she beat the odds- not only did she go on to college but she became part of the 1% of foster children who actually graduate from college! Today she is a successful businesswoman and Life Coach who volunteers with many organizations. Shenandoah is also married and has a daughter.

To learn more about Shenandoah Chefalo Click HERE.

Shenandoah has shared her story not only to inspire others who have been through or find themselves in a similar experience- but she has the desire to create an open and honest discussion about what it's like to be a child in the foster care system.  Not only does she address the challenges and disruptions that youth in foster care face but in the second half of her memoir she presents possible solutions.   (That is another topic worthy of a separate blog post!)

I would love for a copy of Garbage Bag Suitcase to get into the hands of a social worker or foster parent.  Better yet, I would love to get a copy into the hands of a youth in foster care!  For that reason, I am sponsoring a Giveaway for a free copy of this book which will be mailed directly to the winner from the publisher.

GIVEAWAY RULES:

-Entries limited to the U.S.

-To enter, simply leave a comment on this post with your name (your first name will suffice)

BONUS ENTRY:  SHARE about this giveaway on social media and comment where or how you shared

A random winner will be selected by RANDOM.ORG.  I will contact you and get your mailing info for your FREE COPY of Shenandoah's memoir, Garbage Bag Suitcase.

This GIVEAWAY has OFFICIALLY STARTED and will end April 22, 2016 at midnight MST.

Wisdom from Dr. Karyn Purvis

Five years ago I heard Dr. Karyn Purvis speak at a conference and I was so impressed by her that I wrote about it.  I even went so far as to call her a "hero". 

It wasn't just her broad knowledge of and vast experiences caring for children who come from hard places which impressed me about Dr. Purvis, but her sincere desire and passion she had for giving such children a voice.  I left that conference with a renewed strength and desire to love any child in my care as vigilantly as she has shown can be done and to make a conscious effort to see beyond any behavior or barriers to attachment.

Yesterday I learned that one of my heroes had died as Dr. Purvis passed away after battling cancer.

Dr. Purvis has been a champion for many young people and a great role model and mentor to many others who strive to care for and understand these children.  I am confident that her legacy will continue to bless the lives of many.  

Here are some gems of wisdom Dr. Purvis has taught others. Ironically, many of these teachings and discoveries go right along with topics I explored in my two previous posts.

Intro to Emotion Coaching

In my last post I wrote about the undeniable relationship between trauma and brain development.  I also posed the question:

"How can we apply it* to the way we parent, discipline, or teach the children entrusted to our care?" 

*["it" meaning the knowledge of a connection between trauma, brain development, and survival mechanisms children coming from traumatic backgrounds often exhibit.]

I have some GOOD NEWS because last year I attended a training on Dr. John and Dr. Julia Gottman's "Emotion Coaching" which answers this exact question by teaching parents skills of how to be better attuned to their children's needs.  

You'll notice that I didn't necessarily say, "How to FIX your child's behavior" but rather, how to be better attuned to your child's needs.  You see, behind every behavior is a NEED or EMOTION and unless you are aware of that, then fixing any behavior is just putting a temporary band-aid on the problem without getting to the route of things.  However, just as healthier eating is more likely to result in weight loss, being an Emotion-Coaching parent is more likely to result in less behavioral problems in our children because their emotional needs are being met.

While I'm on the subject, let me also take this opportunity to say that one advantage to being a licensed foster parent is that I am required to attend classes and trainings in order to keep my license current. Sometimes I go to the trainings just for the purpose of getting my hours in and I end up grumbling because it's something I am required to do, but other times I come away from a particular training thinking, "ALL parents could benefit from this!  Better yet, it was free training- I didn't even have to pay for a big conference fee for what I just learned."  Yes, there are occasional perks of fostering.  Last year when I attended the training on Emotion Coaching was one such example.

On to Emotion Coaching:

I remember first being introduced to Dr. John Gottman's work in college when we did some required reading for a course on Marriage and Family Relations.  My professor happened to be one of Dr. Gottman's former students at the University of Washington and when he told us about his former professor- a psychologist who, with his team of researchers, would analyze couples in a home-like setting and could predict divorce rates with amazing accuracy based solely on observing how couples interacted with each other I became an immediate fan of the Gottman Institute and Gottman's research.

What I didn't realize (or didn't remember) until I attended last year's Emotion Coaching Training is that Gottman not only focuses on marital relationships but on PARENTING as well!  If you are familiar with John Gottman's research about what factors make marriages thrive (and conversely, what behaviors lead to divorce, (e.g. The Four Horsemen of the Apocolpyse) then it shouldn't be too much of a surprise that these same behaviors apply to any relationship- not just marriage.

I must admit I didn't know much about his wife's work either until this particular training in which we watched her present through some video clips. Dr. Julie Schwartz Gottman is an accomplished psychologist in her own right.

So . . .  WHAT EXACTLY IS EMOTION COACHING?

Here is a definition taken from this complimentary workbook I got at the training:

In a nutshell, the concept behind emotion coaching is for parents and children to realize that EMOTIONS AREN'T WRONG, but not all behaviors are acceptable.  Therefore, the emotion surrounding the behavior needs to be addressed before any possible troubling behaviors can be addressed.

There are five steps to Emotion Coaching, which are:

Step 1: Be aware of your child's emotions.

Step 2:  Recognize emotion as opportunities to connect or teach.

Step 3:  Help your child verbally label emotions.

Step 4:  Communicate empathy and understanding.

Step 5:  Set limits and problem solve.

The goal of emotion coaching is for parents "to respond with empathy and understanding while setting limits on negative behaviors." -p. 23 of Emotion Coaching booklet.

Because this post is only an INTRO to emotion coaching I am going to focus primarily on the first step:

1.  Be Aware of Your Child's Emotions.

(I couldn't resist)

Guess what?  If you aren't aware of your own emotions then you will not be able to be aware of other's emotions simply because You can't teach something unless you have mastered it yourself.

In light of this fact, we did a few exercises from the workbook at my training which helped us to realize what "triggers" us as parents to experience high-intensity emotions.  Examples of "triggers" for me include: mornings in general when I'm trying to get all my children fed, bathed, and for those who go to school- out the door, and anytime I feel like I am "rushed".  Such instances are particularly stressful for me and I find my patience being tested as a parent.

Just as important as understanding one's own emotions is reflecting upon how your own parents or caregivers handled your emotions while you were growing up: Were they dismissing, disapproving, or emotion coaching?  In other words, did you feel comfortable expressing your emotions to them? Were there some emotions that were "okay" to express but others that weren't?  Did your parents acknowledge your emotions or did they dismiss them or even go so far as shaming you for expressing certain emotions?  Were you more comfortable going to one parent than another?  All of these are important questions to explore because they can help us gain insight into why we do (or don't do) some of the things we do as parents.  It was interesting for me, personally, to do some of the exercises in the workbook and recall patterns in how each of my parents raised me.

I also readily admit that I became slightly worried when I was able to acknowledge certain times in my own parenting career when I have been less than stellar as a parent and I would imagine in my mind the worst-case outcome: My children in therapy in the future recounting how their mean mom yelled at them that one time or didn't take the time to fully listen to them and how it ruined their life! I'm exaggerating- but only slightly.  Parenting can be full of so much guilt.

However,  even if you're not a perfect parent or you didn't have a perfect upbringing there is HOPE!  Emotion Coaching, like any skill, takes practice to master.  I was so reassured when I read the following paragraph in my workbook that I made note of it:

Because the Gottmans stress the importance of raising emotionally intelligent children it was not too much of a surprise to learn that they have worked closely with Dr. Dan Siegel, author of books such as The Whole Brain Child and Parenting from the Inside Out.

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child is the name of John Gottman's book which addresses emotion coaching.

Now for a brief example of actually applying what I learned about being an emotion-coaching parent:

Just this week, I was frustrated with my 8 year old daughter when, for the second day in a row, she became sassy and resistant when I reminded her that she needed to get her homework done before she could have any more screen time or play dates.  The more I nagged her the worse her behavior got; the worse her behavior got the more frustrated and angry I became.

After I cooled down a bit, it dawned on me that the issue of how my daughter was feeling about her homework should be more important to me than her actually completing her homework. (See what I mean about how it's important for you to be aware of any emotions, issues, or beliefs you might have first before trying to help others regulate their emotions)?  

I knew my daughter wasn't happy- that was obvious [Step 1] so in an effort to find out more I asked her, "So, what exactly is it about doing your homework right now that is bugging you so much?"  (Looking back, I guess that would be skipping to Step 3).  IMMEDIATELY I noticed a difference in her countenance and tone of voice simply from the fact that I was inviting her to tell me how she felt about things rather than telling her what she should do.  She simply answered, "My homework is boring." in a calm and matter-of-fact voice.

I imagine that a skilled emotion coaching parent would go on to validate their child's feelings by saying something next like, "I hate doing boring things, too!  I get so sick of washing the dishes day after day." and then move onto the final step of problem solving.  [Step 5]  I must admit that I was a little slow with the process and was just glad to have some peace for a moment when she told  me what the real issue was without talking back so I was just quiet for a moment and let things soak in.  

I think I did eventually say something like, "Even though you don't want to do your homework I'll let you choose which assignment you want to do first."  Yes, there may have been more creative or effective ways to deal with the issue- better yet helping my daughter to come up with a solution herself- but I was just happy that I had the sense to calm down and give my daughter a chance to express her emotions even if I may have still been trying to "fix" things.

I also realize that it says a lot about me that I was more concerned about my daughter finishing an assignment than I was about her actually being interested in what she's learning.  In fact, I think that's why I was so annoyed- because I knew she could do it and I value when people are dutiful and responsible and get things done.  Certainly brings up a good discussion of what constitutes true education- following up with an assignment and learning to be responsible even if it is just busywork or actually developing a love of learning.

One last thought about Emotion Coaching: In retrospect, sometimes it's okay NOT to have to fix things or come up with a solution right away.  Sometimes it's okay just to be there for your child and to validate their feelings.  (Easier said than done for those of us who want to make everything all better!)  Here are two examples that illustrate the skill of validating a child without dismissing the way they're feeling or trying to "fix" things:

"Name it to Tame it"is a strategy Dan Siegel teaches.