"Suffer the Children to come unto Me . . . Unless"

Some of the most heartbreaking experiences I have had as a foster parent are trying to comfort a newly placed foster child in my home as they cry out for their parents.  Nighttime is invariably the hardest time and intensifies the anxiety, confusion, grief, and trauma that these children experience as a result of being separated from their families through no fault of their own. 

If the child is old enough to ask “Why can’t I be with my parents?” or “When do I get to see mommy?” I can usually offer up a sufficient explanation since most of the children get to see their family at least once a week at supervised visits.  If the child's parent is in prison or jail or doesn’t show up to their scheduled visits, then it makes it much harder for me to offer up an explanation or appease the child.  In the case of babies and toddlers who aren’t verbal but are obviously distressed, sometimes all I can do is hold them as they cry, try to provide comfort, and just be with them in their grief.

I’ve observed that a common justification of Trump’s new Zero Tolerance Policy which has separated over 2,000 children from their families at the border since May 1, 2018 has been “Parents in the U.S. break the law every day and they get sent to jail.  Their kids go to family or are placed in foster care!” 

I have issues with this statement for a couple of reasons.  These are my concerns:

First, seeking asylum is not breaking the law, under 8 US 1158 Code.

   In order to apply for asylum through the United States Citizen and Immigration Services, you have to cross into the U.S. and THEN present yourself to an authority and start the application process.  Under the new Zero Tolerance Policy* children are separated from their family as their parents await their asylum hearing. 

Do some people cross our border and falsely apply for asylum even if they don’t meet the qualifications?  Certainly, but that’s precisely what immigration judges and hearings are for. 

I value keeping the law and keeping our borders secure, but under this new policy, asylum protections no longer exist for individuals fleeing their country (namely women and children) from domestic abuse or rampant gang violence EVEN IF they come to the U.S, at a legal entry point .   

Consider the words of a friend of a friend who does pro-bono asylum work as an attorney in Texas:  “There is not practically a legal route to come to immigration from many Central and South American countries.  The wait for unskilled persons from those countries is over 100 years long in some cases, so there is not, practically speaking, a way to immigrate legally.  Many of these immigrants being separated from their children are asylum seekers.  The legal process for seeking asylum in the US is that you show up here and then you apply, NOT application first and then immigration.  These immigrants are legal asylum seekers and they are being separated from their children while there asylum applications are processed, which can take years.  These people’s stories are devastatingly heartbreaking.  Rape.  Murder.  Gang and drug violence.  These people are risking everything to give their children a chance.”

Second,  My rebuttal to the “Parents in the U.S. break the law every day and they get sent to jail.  Their kids go to family or are sent to foster care!” argument is "Precisely- their kids go to family or are placed in foster care, they are NOT separated from their parents and sent to detention warehouses or tent cities."

As a foster parent and graduate student of social work, I am much more familiar with U.S. Child Welfare Policy than U.S. Immigration Law.  I’ve seen firsthand that even when a child is in a safe and loving foster home it is still traumatic for them to be separated from their parents.  The abundant research shows that kids do better psychologically and physically in the least restrictive, most “home-like” environment rather than an institution (and preferably with kin, if possible).  

          As for incarcerated parents, at least they can be kept abreast of where their children are and how they are doing.  If their child is placed in foster care and not in the care of relatives, they have the resources of caseworkers or legal counsel to give them updates about their children.  Even if they can’t afford a lawyer they can consult with a public defender about their rights and have due process in court hearings.

Third, children being separated from their parents under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE is of concern!

 Whether children are separated from their parents as a result of their parents fleeing the country and seeking asylum or illegally crossing the border or even being incarcerated or homeless, the children who are left behind deserve our compassion.  Period.    

Just as no child has a choice as to if they’re born into poverty or wealth, children are not responsible for the choices their parents make.  Unless it’s not in the best interest of a child, families deserve to be together.   Foster care is set up to reunify families and give them another chance to be together.   

As a foster parent it is not my job to make judgments about the parents of the children in my care (though it’s been a temptation I've succumbed to at times) but, rather, to love and care for these children as if they were my own until they can return to the care of their parents, if possible.  

When we got a call about a prospective placement we don’t base our willingness to care for the child based on if the parents have a clean background- in fact, the majority of the children who are placed in our home have come into state custody precisely because their parents need some extra help and resources and they don’t have a clean criminal record (most often because of drug charges and domestic violence issues).

   Children need to be cared for and nurtured regardless of their parent’s citizenship status or criminal record.   Jesus said, “Suffer the little children to come to me”  NOT “Suffer the children to come to me unless their parents have tried to cross the border illegally or only if their parents have documented citizenship or can provide for them or have spotless background checks, etc.”

Fourth, when a child is separated from their parents they can suffer both short-term and long-term effects which can alter their brain chemistry and potentially their ability to form healthy attachments later in life.

I don't have the time here to recount attachment studies or go into the details of how the brain and limbic system respond to trauma, but many parents who have adopted or cared for children coming from "hard places"- environments of abuse and neglect or institutions and orphanages- deal with the very real repercussions sometimes on a daily basis, as do the teachers, social workers, therapists, or medical professionals who work closely with these children and their parents.

  If anybody thinks that separating a child from their parents is "no big deal" because it happens all the time, I think you would feel much differently after doing everything in your power to try and comfort a crying child in the middle of the night when they've been removed from their family.  

*U.S. IMMIGRATION POLICY BACKGROUND/CLARIFICATION- I am sharing these facts and sources courtesy of Michelle Martin who is a PhD and policy specialist from Cal State Fullerton: 

-The policy to separate parents and children is new and was instituted on 4/6/2018.  It was the brainchild of John Kelly and Stephen Miller to serve as a deterrent for undocumented immigration, approved by Trump, and adopted by A.G. Sessions.  Prior administrations detained migrant families, but didn’t have a practice of forcibly separating parents from their children unless the adults were deemed unfit.  https://www.justice.gov/.../pres.../file/1049751/download...

- In 1996, President Clinton passed the Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act, which made unauthorized entry into the US a crime (typically a misdemeanor for first-time offenders) but under both Republicans and Democrats, these cases were handled through civil deportation proceedings, NOT criminal proceeding, WHICH DID NOT REQUIRE SEPARATION.  And again, even in cases where detainment was required, FAMILIES WERE ALWAYS KEPT TOGETHER IN FAMILY RESIDENTIAL CENTERS UNLESS the parents were deemed unfit.

Problems & Possible Legislative Solutions to the U.S. Foster Care System & Adoptions

The last time I wrote about the Adoption Tax Credit was about five years ago.  I will be mentioning it again since last week I got word that the Adoption Tax Credit was at risk of being abolished under the proposed Republican Tax Reform.  I was happy to learn (just last night) that because of feedback and advocacy, the credit will now be staying!

Sometimes as a foster parent I feel like I have very little power in actually implementing real change in the foster care system.  After all, I'm not in a position of influence and lasting change often requires funding and legislation.  

I thought it was timely that last month in one of my graduate Social Work courses I had a short assignment following the completion of reading the textbook chapter on child welfare issues in which I was to answer the question,

"Identify three problems with the current children, youth, and family service delivery system.  What are some possible solutions?"

"Just three?" was my first thought. 😜 Before I even started reading my textbook chapter the first thought/pet peeve that came to my mind was: "I hate it when the best interest of children gets overlooked because the rights of bio family takes precedence!"  Which got me thinking, "What could change or what has worked in the past to solve this problem?"  Enacted time limits for the amount of time children stay in foster care so that they can have permanency is something that has worked- in theory at least.

Another possible solution for making sure that the best interest of children in foster care are met could be more involvement on the parts of their guardian ad liteums.  In over a decade of fostering I have only had two GALs make home visits on behalf of the children in my care.  And I don't think it's that GALs don't want to be involved, but it's probably the same principal with caseworkers: they have too large of a caseload to devote the individual time they would like to each case.  That is why I love hearing about CASA volunteers- Court Appointed Special Advocates.

Another problem with foster care that came to my mind is simply too few foster homes available.  But how does one solve that problem?  Awareness can be spread, but fostering is hard and is not for everyone, so I don't think anyone should become a foster parent out of guilt.

As for adopting from foster care, I know that the affordability is a big incentive and factor for families.  This goes back to the Adoption Tax Credit, which I mentioned at the beginning of this post.  If a family is going to bring another child into their home (or more than one child at a time in the case of sibling groups) that's KIND OF A BIG DEAL!  Especially if there is a high probability that the child will have special needs which can be time-consuming and expensive.  I know that when my husband and I were first exploring fostering or adopting from foster care, learning that adoption subsidies could be available and that insurance for the child would be provided through Medicaid came as a relief to us financially- especially when we debated whether or not to accept sibling groups as a foster adopt placement or to inquire on sibling groups who were already legally free for adoption.

Those are just a few of my thoughts about changes to the children, youth, and family service delivery system.  As for my school assignment, I tended to focus on specific acts of legislation enacted to deal with some of the problems that have and still exist in the foster care system which were specifically mentioned in my text:

Reading Response 3

Three problems with the current children, youth, and family service delivery system are: intervention when it is too late, children aging out of the foster care system with no permanency, and the overrepresentation of children of color who are placed in foster care and remain in foster care longer than white children.

Most interventions for families occur after the problems have occurred, so the services are residual in nature rather than preventative.  One solution to this is a focus on in-home services which deliver services to families before children have to be placed in foster care.  These services are also much less costly than have a child in an out-of-home setting.  The good news is that studies show that children who receive in-home services have lower rates of PTSD symptoms than children placed in substitute care.  (Ambrosino, p.348) The bad news is that research shows that any short-term gains achieved by in-home service don’t persist over time.

Each year 20,000 youth “age out” of foster care when they turn 17 or 18 because they are unable to return to the care of their parents and are not adopted.  Youth who age out of foster care are at a greater risk for substance abuse problems, homelessness, incarceration, teen pregnancy and even sex trafficking.  One of the solutions to this problem is child welfare advocates pushing for the age of when children are forced to leave foster care from 17 or 18 to 21 years old.  In 1986, PL 96-272 established the Independent Living Program which provided funding for states to strengthen services to youth 16 and older who either were in or had been in the foster care system. Another specific piece of legislation which was intended to help youth who leave foster care get extra support including access to health care, life skills training, housing assistance, and counseling was the Foster Care Independence Act, passed in 1999.

       Because African American children are more likely than white children to be placed in and remain in foster care, Congress passed the Multiethnic Placement Act in 1994 (Ambrosino, p. 365) which prevents children from being denied being placed with a foster or adoptive home solely on the basis of race, color, or national origin of either the child or the foster adoptive parent.  Other foster and adoption agencies have implemented special outreach programs to African American and Latino communities in an effort to recruit adoptive parents.

ANY FOSTER PARENTS, SOCIAL WORKERS, CHILD WELFARE ADVOCATES, CASAs, GALs or  especially CURRENT OR FORMER FOSTER CHILDREN READING THIS:  Is there anything else you would add to the list?  What do you see as the biggest problem or problems within the child welfare system?  And what are some possible solutions?

Of Humble Origins

This morning I came across a disturbing headline in my news feed, which read:

Neglected boy shut in room with heater on dies of hyperthermia

I glanced down at the accompanying faces of the defeated young parents of this child shown in their mug shots.  As I read on I was not surprised to learn that the parents were not only using meth, but they were manufacturing the deadly substance in their home as well.

Meth is an evil drug- nobody will ever be able to tell me otherwise.

Although the account of the toddler's death was tragic enough in itself I was also quite disturbed by some of the online comments made in response to the story.  One commenter, in particular, garnered a lot of attention and made the argument that because the mother of this young child who died due to parental negligence is pregnant with a second child "that kid will be born with parents in jail, spend a childhood in foster homes until that kid becomes a criminal himself.  Just like mommy and daddy."

Wow.  It wasn't just the general insensitivity of that comment which filled me with disgust and sorrow, but as a foster and adoptive mother (and without the need to share further private details) some of the circumstances described by that rant- and the utter lack of sympathy expressed for all involved, including the birthparents- hit a little too close to home for me and stirred up some very tender feelings within me.

Needless to say, that particular comment was followed up by a barrage of replies and rebuttals but the one which stood out the most to me was from a woman who shared her story of being a "botched" abortion- and being born addicted to heroin- yet, despite being born under the most tragic of circumstances (and almost not being born at all!), she had been raised by a loving adoptive family, gone on to graduate from college, and has since been a force for good working in the healthcare field. This woman ended her commentary with these inspiring words:

"A child becomes whatever you tell tell it to become.  Teach them Christ's love, shower them with love and give them confidence to love themselves and they can become whatever they dream."

I mentally applauded this woman and her empowering attitude and couldn't agree with her more.

Ironically, just moments after reading the horrendous news story of a young child dying under tragic circumstances, I came across a quote speaking of a child born to an unwed mother and a devoted foster father in an impoverished and truly humble environment.  Surely this family and their child endured their fair share of stares, speculation, and unwelcome comments from others.

It is my hope that the message I read and which I am sharing now can serve as a reminder of hope to anyone who has come from a less-than-perfect background or who has ever found themselves feeling outcast from society:

Birthfather's Rights

My state has certainly had a busy month making headlines with controversial legal battles in regards to adoption.

Last week the focus in the media was a particular case about birth father's rights.  Here's a brief synopsis:

http://news.hjnews.com/allaccess/custody-battle-for--week-old-kaylee-heads-to-the/article_3b2572a4-0e6a-500d-8665-eb261c91450b.html

After much publicity on social media many have spoken out in favor of the birth father retaining/obtaining his parental rights.  One adoptive mother friend declared her feelings on the matter, expressing "I would NEVER agree to adopt a baby unless both birth parents consented."

My instinctive reply was "Absolutely."

Perhaps what was just as disturbing to me as the fact that this particular case seemed unethical were some of the critical comments and judgments heaped upon the baby's birth mother and her family, namely:

1)  Allegations or suggestions that the birth mother was "coerced" or forced by her parents into placing her child for adoption- another HUGE ethical issue.

2) The assumption/inference from others that because the birth mother chose to relinquish her parental rights and place her child for adoption she didn't care about her child.

As you can guess, any assumptions which equate adoption with abandonment or lack of love don't go over well with me.  Needless to say, some of my Mama Bear buttons were definitely pushed as I read a particularly scathing response to the case by one of my Facebook acquaintances.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't like contention, but I HAD to speak up.  This was my response:

As I mentioned earlier, I was one of the first to side with the birth father in this particular case.  But as I took a step back and looked at the issue of birthfather's rights from a general point of view (and not just under the framework of this specific case) I asked myself, "Would I NEVER really agree to adopt a child unless both parents consented?" (And I use the world "child" rather than baby because babies are not the only ones who are in need of adoptive homes).  After further consideration my answer was "no."

[In case any anti-adoption and/or family-preservation-no-matter-what! advocates want to send me hate mail accusing me of "stealing" someone else's children- Let me inform you that our oldest child's birthfather was not interested in sticking around to support his baby or her birthmother and although our youngest children's birthfather initially expressed the desire to relinquish his parental rights he never attended the follow-up court hearings regarding the permanency of his children and thus his parental rights were eventually terminated.]

So, what if, hypothetically speaking, my state had a law in which a birthmother could not place a child for adoption unless she had the consent of the birthfather?  One's first instinct might be to think "That seems fair enough!" but consider the following scenarios:

-A woman is raped.  She wants to place her her child for adoption but she can't because she cannot legally do so without consent of the birth father.

- A pregnant woman is unsure of who the father of her child is but she wants to place her child for adoption.

-A woman knows who the father of her child is but he is abusive and a danger to the woman and potentially to the (born or unborn) child.

-The birthfather cannot be located.

-The birthfather can be located but he is in another state, country, or in prison.

-A birthfather has no intent of supporting the birthmother or their child.

Each potential adoptive situation is different and I realize that none of the above scenarios apply to Colby Nielsen's case.  However, it is important for all of us to keep in mind the reasoning behind Utah's adoption laws as stated by an attorney in the news article I referenced at the beginning of this post:  

“This law, meant to protect mothers and babies with an absentee father, is an absolute travesty and disgrace in a situation like this,” said local attorney Erin Byington, who presented the Nielsens before Hutchins took the case. “If a father does not file a paternity action, specifically stating certain things by affidavit, prior to the mother signing her relinquishment for adoption (not court action, just a signature,) the father loses all ability to fight the adoption and seek custody. It doesn’t even matter if he’s on the birth certificate, or even if he physically has the baby in his care. This cannot possibly be the intended result of this legislation.”

Judgments at the Grocery Store

I recently had a major surgery which required an extensive recovery period in which I was instructed not to lift (or push or pull) anything over ten pounds for six weeks afterwards.  This restriction was a bit challenging for me as a mother to a two year old and three year old whom are still dependent on me to lift them in and out of their car seats every time we go anywhere or in and out of shopping carts when we go shopping- not to mention that "Hold Me!" is a pretty common request from both of them as a form of affection.

 You can imagine how happy I was when I was finally given the clear from my doctor to be able to lift again, as expressed in this Facebook Status:

"Today is the first day in 6 weeks that I've been permitted to lift (or push or pull) anything over 10 pounds.  I'm most excited about scooping up my 2 year old and 3 year old into my arms WHENEVER I WANT- especially (not so hypothetically speaking) if my 2 year old should start throwing a tantrum at her sister's soccer game or in the middle of a very crowded grocery store because she wants me to hold her and I find myself attracting numerous, menacing "Why-doesn't-that-mean-lazy-mother-just-pick-up-her-poor-crying-child?!" glares from various onlookers."

I'm sure most parents have had moments when they either feel like they are being judged or they have been judged because of the behavior of their children- especially if a child's outburst happens to be in a very public, observable place.

I can think of another instance in a grocery store three or four years ago when I was with two of my foster sons and I attracted the stares of others because of a meltdown the older boy (just pre-school aged) was having.  I wanted so badly to be able to hold up a sign explaining, "Don't judge this little boy! He has every right to be hurting inside!"  You see, he had just returned from a weekly scheduled supervised visit with his mother at the DCFS building and his behavior typically escalated after such visits.  With this particular visit, however, it wasn't the interaction with his mom that led to his acting out.  Quite the contrary, it was because his mother didn't show up at all.  Although I was initially a little embarrassed by the stares we received because of Ty's meltdown I also figured, "This little boy has earned the right to rage.  Let it all out, Ty."  

A short time thereafter Ty was crushed again after another no-show visit- only this one happened to be on the day of his Third Birthday.  I remember really struggling with my anger when the caseworker informed me that his mom wouldn't be able to make it on today of all days because she was in jail.  "Couldn't she have just stayed sober for one day for this one visit of all visits?"  I thought.  Ty's caseworker was as equally disturbed as I was.  

People seldom know the whole story and yet they are so quick to jump to conclusions and make judgments.  That is why I wanted to applaud one brave and compassionate woman after reading in her Facebook status about how she defended a fellow foster mother from judgments in the check-out line at Wal-mart.  Although this status is a couple of years old and I have never actually met the woman who wrote it (credit goes to Lindsay Woodward Crapo- like I said, I don't know her personally but it turns out we have at least one mutual friend) I saw it recently shared and I think it's very appropriate to share it now:

WARNING; Insensitive people at the Walmart rant ahead.
Last night I found myself sandwiched in line waiting to check out, this is not an odd occurrence. The woman in front of me had 5 children she was wrangling ( which did not seem odd to me) , as well as the fact that the children were a mix of Caucasian and Hispanic short people.( again hmph...didn't notice until it was pointed out to me).
Yes, I said pointed out.
The people behind me as I wrestled my own whiny toddler, began very loudly whispering things like:
"How many baby daddies do you think she has?"
"Can't even dress those kids for weather."
"Just wait until she whips out the food stamps. "
I calmed my 3 year old with old Altoids found at the bottom of my purse and looked incredulously back at the well dressed, normal couple spouting such, well, total CRAP.

I looked forward to see a woman fumbling with separating clothes items; coats and shoes socks and underwear from the food items with the black plastic separators.

There five kids- two that shared her same blonde hair with jackets and warm shoes and three, beautifully dark haired and deep brown eyes, sad, eyes; wearing shorts, and flip flops.
It was true she was struggling with a food stamp card. Didn't know what buttons to use to complete the transaction.

As the class act behind me deeply sighed; and said "There's our tax dollars neatly at work."

I shot them what I can only imagine was the death glare only a mother of 9 can execute to perfection.

I stepped forward and kindly said, "Can I help?"
These things are so confusing.
She looked at me.
I quietly asked " Foster or Adopted?"
I have 9 kiddos...two bio, I get it, please let me help."

She smiled, embarrassed, "New Foster Mom, this is my first time using one of these, they came 3 days days ago, gonna be with us for a while.
They gave us food, but the kids needed clothes , but no stipend has come through yet.

I looked at the kids and smiled, and turned to her and said; "Beautiful children I am glad you all have each other. "

I showed her how to use her card as the jackholes behind us snorted.
I explained to her how she doesn't have to separate items and that the items get separated by the computer at check out and how she pays the balance after she runs her card.

She handed each child a new coat , loaded up her cart as she left I side hugged her and told her "you have got this."

After they were out of ear shot...I turned with tears to the smug well dressed man and woman behind me.

"Those children? They lost the right to live with their parents just days ago, those clothes? probably the only clothes they own, or got to leave their home with.
THAT woman? Opened her home to kids, kids that needed a safe place to go, when the one they lived in no longer proved safe enough or secure enough for them. The food stamps, something health and welfare helps an already mother to two feed three new mouths.
There are not nearly enough women or people like her this world."

I whipped back around and started slamming my groceries on the belt, and then turned back around...
Voice shaking.;
"AND even IF those kids were all hers, and she had a dozen "baby daddies" and was on food stamps..no child in this country or any other deserves to be cold or hungry, I am sorry, but your behavior? Poorly done, VERY poorly done."

My new 'friends' left my checkout aisle and joined another, silently.

I grabbed a bag of damn Peanut butter m&ms....
As I finished checking out the girl checking me out smiled and winked, "Single mother on WIC, what you said? Rocked!"

I grimaced and said "thanks,I wasn't sure I should have gone off like that...hug those babies of yours tight tonight. "

She said " I will, you have a nice night mam' and do the same."

I cried hard as I found my Tahoe, buckled the baby in the car, loaded up...and opened those damn m&m's.

You foster mama's out there...hold your heads high, you are the hands and hearts that are the strong and the steady for small ones when they need it most.
Hats off and so much love today to you.♡♥♡

The Sting of Hearing Certain Phrases for an Adoptive Mom

I'm going to allow myself to be a bit vulnerable today and share some feelings of loss.  Adoption can be wonderful but it can't be ignored that it is LOSS which makes it possible in the first place.   

All members of the adoption triad experience some form of loss to some degree: Birthparents lose a child- even in cases where they willingly relinquish their parental rights and are at peace with their decision and have full confidence in the family they've chosen for their child.  

Adoptive parents, and mothers in particular, may feel the loss of not having been able to conceive (and carry or give birth to) their children.

If a child is adopted at an older age their parents may feel the loss of not having been able to raise them during their formative years and missing out on all of the first's in a child's life- first tooth, first words, first day of school, etc.

Perhaps the most profound sense of loss is felt by the child who is adopted as they lose their biological family.  If their adoption is closed they could feel an amplified loss of identity, belonging, or even information on seemingly simple knowledge many of us take for granted, such as "What color of hair or eyes did my bio parents have?"  "What were they like?" to more complex issues such as "What about my medical history- am I at a greater risk for certain cancers or mental illness or alcoholism and other addictions because of my genetics?"

I can't speak for birthparents or those who have been adopted for the obvious reason that I've never been in their situation but I can acknowledge their losses and try to sympathize.  As an adoptive parent, however, I can speak for myself and empathize with other parents who have had to grieve through losses similar to what I've experienced.

With that background let me also share some additional information about myself and my feelings about adoption:  I've always felt drawn towards adoption- I can't really explain why- but it's just been a feeling or sense I've carried with me.  In the back of my mind I thought "I would like to adopt someday" whether I was able to have biological children or not.  As time went on, this sense of adoption became much more keen and clear and transformed from "I would like to adopt someday" to "I will adopt someday."

I always envisioned becoming a parent for the first time in my 20's rather then my 30's but it turns out that I'm infertile and anyone who has dealt with infertility can attest to the fact that it can really take your life's plans for a detour.  

In my opinion, the only thing worse than being infertile is being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".  I like there to be a reason for things- my favorite question to answer is "why?"- so when my husband and I dealt with unexplained infertility for over the first half decade of our marriage it was extremely frustrating to say the least.  It's so much easier to know how to move forward when you know what exactly it is you are dealing with in the first place.

After about five years of actively trying to conceive we had some answers to where- (and in this case, with whom) the problem lied.  I was FINALLY correctly diagnosed and treated for our fertility problems- which, in my case, happens to be related to endometriosis.  It was a huge relief to finally have an explanation to why we couldn't get pregnant.  And although at that point in time the chance of me having a viable pregnancy was still a possibility for us, we had started looking into adoption as a means of building our family as well because as with going through the adoption process, fertility treatments offer no guarantee that you'll end up with a child.  

To me, adopting our children versus conceiving and giving birth to them was no big deal.  I wanted to be a parent and the technicality of how that would happen wasn't nearly as important as making sure we did all in our power to make sure that it did happen.  My husband, on the other hand, was hesitant about adoption and it took him a while to warm up to the idea.  This totally makes me laugh now because as I continue to see the interaction between my husband and our firstborn child in particular, who joined our family through adoption as a newborn, I don't think it would be possible for any father to love his child more.

With that lengthy background I'd like to share a couple of fairly recent examples of times I've experienced some feelings of loss triggered quite simply by someone's choice of words.

EXAMPLE #1: ". . . maybe you could have had your own children."

I will be needing another surgery in the near future to deal with some of the complications associated with my endometriosis.  As I was talking to a loved one about this and we were calculating how many surgeries I've had over the years as a means of treatment my loved one made the comment to me, "It sure is too bad that you weren't diagnosed sooner.  Then maybe you could have had your own children."

I was taken aback and tried to keep the conversation running smoothly but at the same time I was caught off guard and just kept thinking, "Wait a minute- did she seriously just say that?"  Now if you are reading this and don't quite understand why a comment like that would hurt so much let me try to explain it:

The term "your own children" is basically the opposite of "someone else's children" and "someone else's children" implies that these children aren't really yours- that you are an impostor.  Or that you haven't fully earned the title of parent because your children don't carry your DNA.  Ouch- That hurts.  (As much as that comment hurt I'm relieved that at least it was just said in front of me and not in my children's presence.)

Fortunately, I know the heart very well of this loved one who made the comment and I know for a fact that she would never deliberately say anything hurtful toward me or my children.  In fact, as I was analyzing what she said (I would have much preferred to just let it slide but the words "your own children" kept echoing through my mind over the next couple of hours after our conversation to the point that I couldn't just ignore them) I'm fairly certain that her remark stemmed from her frustration for and sympathy towards me in watching me have to suffer for so long both physically and emotionally with the process of becoming a parent.

From that conversation I was reminded that when someone says something which can seem insensitive or hurtful many times that is not their intent at all but they are simply unaware that such a phrase or way of putting things could be considered hurtful.  That is why education and awareness is so important.

EXAMPLE #2: "Maybe he misses his real mom" 

Shortly after we adopted Jack he was having a particularly hard day and started whining and throwing a tantrum.  We happened to have relatives over and I felt the need to apologize for his behavior- whether it was the result of him being tired or frustrated or simply of being a 2-year-old.  "I don't know what's wrong- he's having a rough time." I sheepishly explained.  My relative quickly offered up his assessment and said, "Maybe he misses his real mom."  

Once again, I was just so startled at that comment that I didn't even have time to formulate a good response.  I would have been totally fine if the words "other mom" or "biological mom" were used- but they weren't.  Maybe Jack did, in fact, miss his birthmother, and I can totally accept that fact. What I was having a problem with is that the phrase "real mom" made me feel like my role as mother to Jack was somehow being diminished.

I understand that adoption presents a unique situation for children because they literally have more than one mom or dad- I get that it's different than the norm of one mom and one dad who conceive their children themselves.  But I think it's important to remember that ALL the parents in the adoptive child's life are real.  Birth parents are real.  Adoptive parents are real.  Both are a necessary part of the adoption equation.  When one party is labeled "real" it automatically makes the other party "not real" by default.

The two examples of  phrases I shared really pricked a tender spot in my heart.  And since I have a tendency to over-analyze things and this is, in fact, my blog, I'll explain why that is:

I think there is a continuum, for me, of certain phrases people use when talking about adoption which range anywhere from "not a problem" "that bugs me" "that REALLY bugs me" to "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!"  Phrases like "real mom" or "your own children" definitely belong on the far end of the continuum under the classification of "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!" because they're not just bothersome but they can actually hurt.

I think there is another continuum to measure how bothersome or hurtful certain phrases are which is based not on the phrase itself, but of whom is speaking.  For example, it I were to hear a stranger say, "I know a woman who gave up a child for adoption." I would assume that they don't have very much experience with adoption and l would let it slide because if they did have more experience with adoption they would most certainly use the term "placed" rather than "gave up".   Hearing a stranger make a remark like that would be bothersome.  However, if a friend of mine were to use the term "gave up for adoption" I would be even more bothered because they're my friend and because of that, I would hope they would show a bit more sensitivity and reverence for adoption.  Therefore, their response would belong somewhere along the continuum of "that REALLY bugs me".  With the two examples I shared of hearing the phrase "real mom" and "your own children" it hurt not only because it was on the far end of the continuum based solely on the phrase being said/terms used but it was also on the far end of the spectrum of the "whom is speaking" scale since it was my loved ones who made the remarks.

And now, for my final example- the end all/be all remark which, in my opinion, is the F-bomb of all adoption phrases: "You're not my REAL mom!"  or "You're not my REAL dad!" These phrases are at the far end of both continuums I've mentioned because not only is it an incredibly hurtful and personal, accusatory phrase but it can only be uttered by a child to their adoptive parent- the ultimate sting.

EXAMPLE #3- "You're not my REAL mom!".  

This example is deserving of a post all of its own. Stay Tuned.

How Much Do Foster Families Get Paid?

I've shared my feelings about doing foster care for the money in the post In It For the Money but I recently came across two articles which are MUST-READS for anyone who has honestly ever wondered "How Much Do Foster Families Get Paid?" and especially for anyone who might erroneously believe that foster parents take children into their home solely for the money.

A shout out to Megan for this well-written article she recently wrote for adoption.com, How Much Do Foster Parents Get Paid?

I Foster For The Money by Jill Rippy of The Foster Life had me chuckling at the beginning and quickly sobered me into silence the next moment.

The bottom line is that foster parents do not get "paid".  They are reimbursed for the costs it takes to care for the children placed in their homes which may or may not cover the actual costs.

To view reimbursement rates by U.S. state click here.

It does take money to care for children, but TIME and LOVE are other equally important sacrifices a family should take into account when considering what it takes to welcome a foster child into their home.

Positive Adoption Language Infographic

I came across this infographic today courtesy of United Methodist Communications and I couldn't help but share as I've certainly been frustrated in the past by certain terms people use when talking about adoption. 

The thing is- not everybody knows that a certain term might be hurtful- and that is why I liked this infographic so much- these are simply suggestions of what terms to use- "instead of this, say this" in order to avoid miscommunication with a brief explanation of WHY a specific term might send an unintended message.

In addition to the infographic, adoptive mother and pastor Angela Flanagan, shared more helpful hints about asking questions, making assumptions, and even touched on some of the challenges unique to adoptive families, and transracial adoptive families in particular, where adoption is obvious, including the following:

" Asking appropriate questions with healthy language of friends is very different from asking questions of perfect strangers. Before you ask or comment, consider what it might feel like to have your family questioned everywhere you go by people who you don’t know and what effect that has on the children. 

If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate or if you are using appropriate
language, please refrain, or at the very least, refrain while in front of
the children."

On a related note of shielding questions about an adopted child's history- especially when asked in front of the child, sometimes it's not just those who ask the questions that need to take a step back, but those who answer and provide information (because adoptive parents are human, too)!

This is something which I'm learning to find a balance with.  On the one hand I love educating people about foster care or how the adoption process works, and I'm glad to be able to share my experiences with them.  But on the other hand I realize "Just because I want to educate others and am happy to talk about my experiences doesn't necessarily mean I have to share every detail about my children's backgrounds with everyone who asks- especially when they ask in front of the children- because although my child's story is definitely a part of my story- it is ultimately their story to tell."

Post Foster-Adoption Paperwork & New Names

It's been a month since we were able to adopt our foster children and I've discovered that the paperwork doesn't end when the adoption is finalized.  In fact, in some cases that's when the paperwork just gets STARTED!

The good news is that is took less than a month for us to get Jack and Jill's amended birth certificates with their new names* mailed to us.  I had heard it could take several weeks so that was a nice surprise.

The bad news is that we recently got a letter from their insurance informing us that their benefits would be cut since they didn't have the correct social security numbers attached to their names.  The reason they didn't have the right social security numbers attached to their names is because a post-adoption specialist who came to our home prior to their adoption strongly suggested that we not only notify the Social Security Administration of their new names right away but that we actually request new numbers to be reassigned to them because, in the worker's experience, it is not uncommon for bio parents or families of foster children to sell their children's information for quick cash- specifically in the cases where the bio families have a history of drug addiction and/or poverty.  Very sad. 

I had heard of cases of adoptive parents claiming their adopted/former foster children as dependents on their taxes only to be held up from receiving any refunds or deductions because their child's bio family also claimed the children- even after parental rights had been terminated, but being desperate enough to actually sell your child's social security info was disheartening for me to hear.  

Nevertheless, better safe than sorry, right?  We followed the advice of the post-adoption specialist and requested new numbers for our children.  We showed the SSA our children's updated birth certificates but must now wait for the new Social Security Cards to be processed with their new names and numbers before we can notify their insurance in order for their benefits to continue.

*New Names- Renaming a child at adoption can be a very controversial issue.  It's also a very personal issue.  With our recent adoption we decided to keep Jack's first name but change his middle name.  Although his first name is not one we would have necessarily chosen ourselves, it fits him well and it has grown on us.  Plus, he's 2 and a half years old and it's what he's used to.

As for Jill, (Jack and Jill are pseudonyms), I'll just come right out and say it: We were honestly never fans of her first name to begin with.  Not that it should matter what other people think either, but whenever someone asked us what her name was and we'd tell them they would either ask us to repeat it because they'd never heard it before or they would pause a little more than necessary and diplomatically explain, "Well . . . that's an interesting name" with extra emphasis on the word interesting.

However, it wasn't our right to name Jill when she was first placed with us so we continued to call her by the name her birthparents chose for her ever since we brought her home from the hospital at just three days old until the months prior to adopting her.  We decided to change her name to a similar-sounding name to her birth name and she is able to say it in her toddler babble as well as she was able to say her birth name.  There really hasn't been much confusion.  Occasionally Jack or our oldest daughter will lapse into calling Jill by her previous name but she'll answer to either- it's kind of like having a nickname that you also go by.  No big deal.  Our biggest concern has been How do we tell her birthmom we changed her name?  Honesty is the best policy and if Jill's birthmom wants to call her by her birth name that's her choice.

I have made it a point to keep any identification with my children's birth names- as well as other important documents with info about their birth family- set aside for them if they wish to see it or have it in the future. 

As for our oldest daughter, we never had to change her name after we adopted her because we and her birthmother picked her first and middle names out together after she was born.  That's one advantage of adopting a newborn through a private adoption with their birth parent's wishes as opposed to adopting foster children who have had a longer history with their biological families.  Neither is "right" or "wrong" of course- they're just different paths with pros and cons to both.

Book Review: Ezra and Hadassah (Part 2)

Have you ever come across an account of a foster or adopted child being discovered in horrible conditions and suffering neglect or abuse at the very hands of the family whose job it is to keep them safe?  If you're like most people I imagine you can't help but ask yourself, "WHY?  Why would these people even want to foster or adopt in the first place?"

I guess what I find so perplexing about such situations is the motivation behind such individuals. Surely there might be some people who are desperate enough to foster for the money, but the commitment, requirements and screening process that comes with fostering is, in my humble opinion, a huge amount of work to go through just for the possibility of having a few extra bucks at the end of the month.

As I was reading Ezra and Hadassah I found myself asking the same question: Why? Why did the Spencer family choose to adopt Ezra and Hadassah if they had no intention of caring for them or showing them love?   The only logical reason I could come up with in this case was that Ezra and Hadassah's adoptive mother needed to replace the children she previously lost (whom, I learned further into the book, had left the home or been killed in a house fire) with new children who would continue on in the role of her house servants.

Unfortunately, being treated like slaves is just one of the ways that Heather and her brother Rex and their siblings were mistreated in their adoptive home.  Although I don't want to give the whole book away and enumerate on every single injustice Rex and Heather had to suffer at the hands of their adoptive family, I would like to bring up a couple of examples of challenges Rex and Heather faced and ways their new family FAILED at meeting their newly adopted children's needs.  My hope in addressing these issues is that we can all learn something and that Rex and Heather's suffering will not have been in vain.

As I've mentioned, the first major theme that kept popping out at me over and over again as I read Ezra and Hadassah is Thank goodness for reform!  And when I speak of reform I'm not only referring to increased advocacy on behalf of children in foster care and ethical foster and adoption practices, but improved education and training for foster and adoptive parents.  Sometimes knowing what to do (or what not to do) can make all the difference in bringing about positive change.

On to the three examples of issues Rex and Heather faced as children and how their foster adoptive parents (poorly) handled them-  I have chosen these three issues because they are not uncommon among children coming from backgrounds of trauma.  Basically, the way Rex and Heather's foster adoptive parents handled each situation serves as an example of what NOT to do.

Granted, the following situations can be difficult for caregivers to face but the good news is that education and awareness of such issues has made it possible for today's foster parents to be better equipped to help the children in their care.  I just want to throw out that although fostering can be challenging, there is also support available.  I can recall specific trainings I've attended both before and after becoming a licensed foster care provider which addressed how best to handle each of the following scenarios:

1.  When a Child Discloses Sexual Abuse.  Maybe it's not common sense to everyone (hence the need for training on such delicate matters) but it just seems logical that when a child feels safe enough to confide in a trusted adult about something so personal and traumatic as sexual abuse, the most beneficial response would be for the adult to validate the child's feelings and protect the child from any further abuse from happening, if possible.

When Heather got up the courage to tell her adoptive mom about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her foster brothers in her previous foster home, the result was anything but validating. "That's over now so you don't need to talk about it" was her new mother's reply.  As if that weren't enough of a blow, a day later Heather overheard her new mother telling the grandmother that she thought that Heather's account was a plea for sympathy.   Her adoptive mother's response just served to shame her and prevent her from sharing any further information with anyone in the future.  Heather describes her reaction:

"I was crushed and humiliated.  I thought my new family was supposed to love me and care about me.  Who would admit such an embarrassing thing just for attention?  I had hoped Virginia would comfort and reassure me that would never happen again, but her response told me otherwise."  

2.  Hoarding Food.  This behavior is very common among children in foster care and although it can be puzzling or sometimes even annoying for caregivers, it must be understood that the child is simply acting out of SURVIVAL MODE.  Rex and Heather's new parents withheld food from their children as a form of punishment which is pretty much the worst thing they could possibly do in such a situation because doing so will only exacerbate any food insecurities.

Heather observed of her brother,

"At the Spencers Ezra not only ate as much as possible, he squirreled away food in his cheeks and only emptied them if Virginia demanded he swallow what was in his mouth.  It was obvious he was eating as much as possible to store up for the unknown stretch of time until his next meal."

It was disheartening to read about Rex, in particular, being starved in his own home to the point of resorting to hanging around the school cafeteria and asking for food.

3.  Peeing and Pooing Pants/Wetting the Bed.    Again, this is another very common problem in children who have experienced trauma- enuresis and encopresis are the official medical terms.

Let's face it- nobody likes cleaning up accidents.  As trying as it can be to potty train a toddler, just imagine how frustrating it must be for caregivers to clean up after a much older child, who should "know better".  Rex's bowel and bladder problems extended well into his high school years and even into adulthood. Unfortunately, his new parents did not have the patience or compassion to help him. Nor did they possess the understanding that control over one's bodily functions is not solely about physiology but has a heck of lot to do with psychology and emotional security.

Heather recounted, "It didn't take long for Ezra's chronic bladder and bowel problems to appear with a vengeance at the Spencers.  He wet the bed every night and seemed to be unable to sense when he needed to use the bathroom during the day.  Despite raising six other children before us, Harley and Virginia had no idea how to handle it."

One thing I've learned through my potty training experiences (and through parenting in a general sense) is to PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! CELEBRATE EVERY VICTORY- no matter how small- rather than SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!- which will inevitably backfire and block any progress.

Heather recounted a camping trip with her first foster family when Rex poohed his pants and was excessively shamed. Their foster father was so angry that he marched Rex down to a freezing cold river to wash him off while yelling at him and spanking him. To top it off, he then announced that since Rex was too lazy to go to the bathroom, he could wear it instead.  He then forced Rex's dirty underwear around his neck and put his head through the leg holes so that he could "smell his own shit."  Not helpful in the least.

The reaction to Rex's toileting problems did not improve in his second foster home when his new parents basically shoveled out the same disgraceful punishment of making him wear his soiled underwear around his neck- but in addition, they told him he would have to wear it to school. (Thankfully, he took the underwear off before going to school).

If you're starting to get bummed out by this review and feeling discouraged about actually reading the book, TAKE HEART! I've only reviewed about the first third of the book and although there are definitely some hard parts to read they are necessary for the redeeming messages of healing, forgiveness, and resiliency to emerge from the ashes of the suffering and opposition which both Rex and Heather endured.

Having said that, the second major theme that this book illustrated to me is Thank Goodness for RESILIENCY in all individuals- but particularly in children who have had an unfair and rough start in life and must overcome so much!

Of all his siblings, Rex took the brunt of his parent's abuse. The Spencers did not have the patience to deal with his special needs or, it appears, the ability to see his intrinsic value.

Tragically, Rex's adoptive parents kicked him out of their home when he was just sixteen years old. Because he had absolutely no resources in way of money, food, friends, cars, or even connections, his adoptive parents ended up giving him money for bus fare back to Oregon where he eventually reconnected and lived with his birth family.  Heather didn't see her brother again for thirteen more years.

I had a hard time trying to wrap my head around how the Spencers could just kick their own son out of their home as casually as if they were just getting rid of an old piece of furniture, but in their eyes he was a burden.  Heather writes,

"Rex wasn't mentioned in the Spencer's house again.  We didn't have family pictures on the walls after the first year we were adopted, so it was as if he never existed.  At church and school the story was Rex went to live with extended family in Oregon.  No one questioned it.  He could have died and no one would have batted an eye."  

What's especially tragic to me is that Rex was not only shunned in his own home but equally mistreated at school and even within his youth group at church.

I fully expected Rex to end up permanently homeless or for Heather to never see him again. Fortunately, that did not turn out to be the case. If you read the book you'll learn what became of Rex including his reunion with his sister and the transformation of his life which can only truly be described as nothing short of miraculous.

I was extremely touched by Rex's pure childlike faith and his incredible ability to forgive so seemingly effortlessly. Heather wrote of her brother,

"Rex had every right to be a serial killer. The world would have understood given his early years that it was inevitable that he would become a cold-blooded criminal.  But he didn't. He chose to go the opposite way.  Not because he received world-class therapy and intensive professional help.  He didn't.  His life was lived on the streets of America and his heart healed its pain one person and one prayer at a time."  

God bless Rex for his perseverance, his humility, and his great example of being longsuffering, pure in heart, and forgiving.

As for how Heather fared, she was fortunate enough to have social support and connections Rex didn't have during their years with the Spencers.  I think this was in large part due to the fact that she was much more socially adept than her brother who had never really learned how to appropriately interact with others due to both neglect further compounded by delays.

Heather recounts,

"I survived the Spencers by finding teachers at school and leaders at church whom I confided. I tested the waters with adults telling a small story of some recent trouble I had been in at home and what my punishment had been. If they seemed surprised or asked any follow up questions, I cautiously gave more details.  If they didn't react or ask any more questions, I knew they couldn't be trusted.  In eighth grade, I found an adult I could trust and who ended up carrying me until I turned eighteen."

That adult Heather trusted was the librarian at her junior high school, Mr. Gross.  Thank God for adults like Mr. Gross who take the time to listen and guide children and young adults.
  

And now, time for a few not-so-subliminal messages:

Mr. Gross encouraged Heather to look ahead for her future and although he was sympathetic to Heather's home situation the only advice he could offer her in that regard was the encouragement to hang on until she was eighteen and then could legally leave home, just as a church leader counseled her to do. 

When Heather turned eighteen and the time came for her to escape the prison-home environment of the Spencer's house, there were four families, including Mr. Gross and his wife, who were willing to take her into their homes and offer her a safe haven as she made the transition to adulthood and independent living free from the oppression of the Spencers.

Just as Heather noted that Rex could have turned out to be a serial killer given how he was treated in his home environment, she could have easily used the excuse of the abuse she suffered in her life to justify passing on any future dysfunction to her children or loved ones, but, like her brother, she chose not to!  Resilience is a noble choice that can have a profound effect upon generations.

Heather recalled listening to stories from the adults in the Spencer household- Mr. and Mrs. Spencer and Grandma Quigley- in which they commiserated and detailed abuses they had each suffered in their childhoods.  Mrs. Spencer would use her experiences of childhood abuse to justify the way she treated her own children and would tell Rex and Heather and their siblings that they really didn't have it bad, so they shouldn't complain.

 Heather had the maturity and foresight to realize, 

"All the stories of generational abuse solidified in my heart that in my someday family, if I ever got married and had kids, no way was I going to be like they were.  I wasn't ever going to spank my kids or treat them like we were.  The abuse was ending with me."

I literally felt like standing up and cheering when I read that line.  BRAVO TO HEATHER for choosing to break the cycle of abuse and dysfunction she had grown up with!

Another eye-opening and touching part of Heather's story is when she, as a grown woman, becomes reunited and reacquainted with her biological parents, Ralph and Claudia, who are each unique characters in their own rights.  Part of Claudia's schizophrenia includes delusions that she is from another planet and the belief that as a child she was transported to earth.  She also believed that her children would be able to receive messages from her home planet when they reached adolescence despite the fact that they were part-Earthling.  Enough said!

In addition to discovering how much of her personality and temperament is attributed to nurture verses nature, being reunited with Ralph and Claudia served as a bridge to Heather's past by helping her understand, for the first time in her life, the exact circumstances that brought her and her brother into foster care in the first place.  

I don't want to give the specifics away, but Rex and Heather's case was historic not only in the state of Oregon but was actually read by the U.S. Supreme Court.  Their case makes for a fascinating study of family law and child-welfare policies, begging such questions as "At what point does mental illness or developmental disability become grounds for terminating parental rights when there is insufficient evidence of neglect and abuse?" and, once again, along the lines of Thank goodness for reform!  "How is the best interest of the children legally and ethically brought to fruition?"  

I was deeply disturbed to learn, as Heather did when she searched through the many legal documents Claudia had carefully saved over the years, 

"No one took testimony from Ezra and me or asked us what we wanted. We didn't meet either lawyer (the defense counsel for Ralph and Claudia or the D.A. who argued that Ralph and Claudia were unfit as parents) to be interviewed.  Each side's arguments came from reports filed from state social workers. No state worker was aware of the abuse we suffered in foster care. No one ever asked if we were being abused.  No lawyers represented our best interests, even though it was our future that was being discussed and litigated."  

ME after reading that paragraph: Sigh. Face-Palm. Shaking Head Back and Forth in Unbelief.

Ezra and Hadassah is a MUST-READ for foster parents or anyone considering fostering or adopting through the foster care system.  This book made such an impact on me, personally, that I couldn't get Rex and Heather- or the Spencers and Ralph and Claudia- and the themes of suffering and healing- out of my mind for days after reading.  Ezra and Hadassah is over 230 pages long but makes a very quick read (I read it for the first time in just two sittings) because it is so riveting.

Click HERE to find out where you can get your copy.

I guarantee that after you finish reading this book you will have some questions. Fortunately, Heather has put together a blog which contains updates to her life's story and answers many frequently asked questions readers may have.  For example, what is happening in her life today? Whatever became of the Spencer family or her biological parents, Ralph and Wanda?  There's even pictures so you can put faces with the people you've been reading about!

Click HERE to learn the rest of Heather's story.