Loss and Hidden Sorrow

 I started writing this yesterday and was able to finish this morning before my first appointment.

There’s been a lot of loss the past couple of days in our nation and in my heart.  Today is 9/11 and there’s a collective grief and outpouring of reverence as we remember the lives lost and how the world has changed since then.  Yesterday there was a political assassination in my own state, and then just hours later I got word of yet another school shooting. Such tragedies can serve as a call to action for change and either bring people together in unity or create more division.

On a personal level, tomorrow is the death anniversary of my mom.  I’ll have time to visit her grave before I go to work. Hers is a loss I share with my siblings and other family members, so we can be of support to each other and lean on each other, if needed.

The past couple of days I’ve been experiencing a loss that isn’t publicly known.  Only my husband and children, a couple of my siblings, and a trusted church leader are aware.  This one is an ambiguous loss- because the person who has been “lost”- my oldest adopted daughter- is still alive- but she has chosen not to physically be in our home anymore.

I’ll back up to how we got to his point. This was my Facebook status from a couple of years ago:

                                     

Over the past couple of years our daughter has had an open relationship with not only her birth mother, but with birth siblings.  She’s been able to meet aunts, uncles, a few cousins, and grandparents she was previously unaware of.  I mention these relationships because 20 years ago when we started our adoption journey the focus in our preparation and training was on the “adoption triad”- meaning adopted child, birth parents, and adoptive parents.  However, now I prefer using the more updated and inclusive term “adoption kinship network” because adoption involves many more people than just parents and child. 

Something my daughter never had before opening up the relationship with her birth family is older sisters, and now she does! How cool is it that my daughter was able to be one of her half sister’s bridesmaids at her wedding?  How fun for my daughter that she gets doubly spoiled with gifts and baskets and stockings during Easter and Christmas? 

For the most part, things have been “good” for my daughter with her open adoption experience, but my husband and I have faced some challenges.  What started out as an invitation to keep things open with her birth mother has morphed into more of a coparenting arrangement, not respecting our boundaries, and on more than one occasion, going behind our backs.

Ideally, a successful open adoption brings to mind words and concepts like “sharing” “mutual respect” and “multiplication of love” (rather than something finite that can be divided up into smaller pieces).  But without boundaries, open communication, and mutual respect things can turn into resentment, jealousy, and competition. 

I think what’s most surprising to me is that I’m generally a pretty chill, kind person and I’ve always been good at sharing.  But things have transpired over the past year that have made me realize I’m not as good as “sharing” as I thought- especially when I feel like my role as a parent is not honored.    

I could go into a lot more detail, but this is not the place to do that.  That is what friends or therapy or sisters are for, right?

This is the text I got a couple of days ago which broke my heart.

                                           

What I thought might be an overnight visit or just a couple of days is now indefinite.  I realized my daughter’s intentions when she returned to the house with two empty duffel bags provided by her birth mom. 

As I discussed things with Jack and Jill after my oldest daughter packed up more clothes and belongings and left the house, they tried to downplay things, with statements such as “It was bound to happen sometime.” And “It’s okay- she never spent as much time with us and would prefer being with her boyfriend, anyway.”  Were they trying to protect their own feelings or were they trying to comfort and console me in a way?

18 years old but with still a year left of high school and no drivers license or job is an awkward stage to try to leave home. I say leave home instead of “run away” because it’s not exactly the same thing. But it does bring up similar panic and concern in a parent’s heart.

I reminded my daughter that she’s still on our insurance, I still have to take her to dr’s appointments, and even though she’s 18 years old my husband and I are the only ones who can legally excuse her absences from school or check her out of school.

This year a young woman from my state ran away from home-twice- (fortunately she turned herself into a police station the first time) and some of the comments left online were so incredibly judgmental- such as “I wonder what’s going on in that home to make her run away twice!”  “It must be her parents fault”, etc.

If you’ve never had a child suffer from mental illness or trauma (and adoption is trauma since it’s born from loss) then please refrain from making any judgements.

I know that things could be much more worse.  Although my daughter’s birth mom has not yet attempted to communicate with me or respond to my texts, I am in daily contact with my daughter (at least via texting) and I know that she’s safe.  She expressed that she will still join us for family celebrations.  

But it hurts that she’s not home.  

Nobody will be bringing me a casserole or card expressing "I'm sorry for your loss", because the loss is not known to others.

Open Adoption as a Protective Factor for Adoptees

Another excerpt from an assignment last semester which applies to adoption: 
Competency #2- Critically evaluate the current research evidence on how adoptive families fare.

Statistics show (DeAngelis, 1995a)- p. 284, Ashford text, that about 25% of adoptive children, compared with 15% of non-adoptive children, require clinical intervention for severe behavioral problems.  However, an adoption researcher from Rutgers University who has been studying adoption for more than 20 years reported that 75-80% of adopted children are within the “normal” psychological range.

Researchers at the Search Institute in Minneapolis conducted a study of 181 adopted adolescents and found that “most of the teens were functioning within the normal mental health range” and the teens described themselves as attached to their parents.  It was also found that in the case of open adoptions, adopted children who maintained contact with their birth mothers weren’t confused about their parents’ identity- they still view their adoptive mother as their mother and view their birth mother more as more of an aunt or friend.

How does understanding this competency apply to my own personal development?

 I have three children and all of them are adopted so I was very interested in this research.  I readily admit that I am totally guilty of over-analyzing my children’s mental health [particularly their neurocognitive development as a result of their in utero development] and to a lesser degree, their physical health, and wondering, “How much of this is due to genetics and how much is due to their environment?”  I’ve come to the conclusion that I have to stop speculating about the “why’s” but focus my energy on seeking the earliest possible professional interventions, if necessary,  and advocating for any special needs they might have.

How does understanding this competency apply to social work practice in general?

Adopted children are most often referred to for clinical treatment for acting out & aggression at about 5-7 years of age because this is an age where they are beginning to understand that they’ve lost their birth family.  It’s imperative for social workers to understand that no matter how awesome an adopted child’s adoptive family is, adoptees will have to sort through issues of grief and loss.  David Brodkinsky, the adoption researcher from Rutgers I mentioned earlier, found that the coping styles of adoptive families affected the experiences of their adopted children: those whose families engaged in an assistance-seeking style of coping did much better than those with an avoidant style of coping.  This knowledge is very helpful so that social workers can aid in helping adoptive families model affective ways to process grief and loss.

I Miss My Birth Mom

I have learned that some of the absolute WORST things to hear when you are suffering and have attempted to share what you're feeling with someone is: "But you shouldn't feel that way." or anything to the effect of "But it's in the past, can't you just get over it?" (Even if it's not stated that way but implied).

Such statements are entirely invalidating and not helpful in the least.  Plus, do you think that someone who hears those replies is going to be willing or even have the desire to confide in others in the future?

I had an experience earlier this year in which my oldest daughter (10 years old) was triggered by something that led her to tell me, with tears in her eyes, "I miss my birth mom."  I have to admit that my first reaction was to think, "But how can you miss her when we don't even have a very open relationship with her?"  [What I mean by that is if a child has a very open relationship with their birth parents and sees them on occasion then it would make sense for them to say "I miss my birth mom or birth dad." But what about situations where the adoption is closed or only semi-open?  How can they "miss" someone if they don't even have a face-to-face, personal relationship with them?]

I kept my thoughts to myself and consciously focused on my daughter's needs.  I recognized that this issue wasn't about me but about her.  

Some of the things I could offer up my daughter as I listened to here were "I'm sorry you're feeling that way." and "You know, I've never been adopted so I don't know what it's like to feel what you're feeling- I bet it's hard."  Later, she used that line with me and said, "You've never been adopted so you don't know how I feel!"  I suppressed a smile and agreed wholeheartedly.

I also admit that I have not always handled my reactions to my children's concerns as well as I would like.  Because who likes to see their kids suffering, right?  Sometimes it's not so much that I want to take away their suffering as that I want to "fix" the root of their suffering. So, since we're speaking about adoption related issues, I have on more than one occasion told my oldest daughter when she's expressed curiosity/loss about not knowing who her birth father is, "Well, at least you were adopted domestically and you know at least one of your birth parents.  Some kids who were adopted internationally or who were raised in an orphanage might not even know who either of there birth parents are!"  My intent in saying that was to get my daughter to look on the bright side and frame things in a positive way- but really, as helpful as my intentions could be, to tell any adoptee to "look on the bright side" could be very invalidating and translated to mean, "Your loss isn't that bad- it could be worse."  Again, not helpful to someone who is hurting.

I listened to my daughter and let her own her feelings but I have to admit- I still kind of wanted to "fix" things and make them all better- or if not making things "all better" at least doing something proactive about the situation.  I did offer up a suggestion that she write a letter to her birth mother. She was very excited to do so but I did oversee her and looked over the letter to make sure it was fairly neutral with content about what she's been up to lately, how school is going, etc. rather than asking "Why did you place me for adoption?"   That is a delicate and complicated question which will inevitably come up, but it is best to wait for her birth mother and her to have that conversation together in the future.  

Now here's the tricky thing about navigating open relationships with birth parents: As an adoptive mom I can invite and share with my children's first families all that I want (or conversely, restrict contact between my children and their birth families), but I can never FORCE a relationship.  In my oldest daughter's case, her birth mother has been very respectful of our boundaries and as the role my husband and I have as M's parents.  We don't feel threatened sharing a child with her or feel that we are any "less" M's parents because she has another mom.  However, sometimes for my daughter's sake I wish that our semi-open adoption were a bit more towards the open side- which is funny because a decade ago the thought of having to share a child with another set of parents really bugged me and kind of freaked me out!

Long story short: M sent the letter to her birth mom (an actual old-fashioned letter mailed with a stamp- not just an email) and since the ball was in her birth mom's court now- so to speak- we just had to wait and see how things were reciprocated.  It was heartbreaking to witness M eagerly look forward to receiving a letter back in the mailbox day after day when none came.  The puzzling thing to me was that M's birth mom messaged me and told me how much she appreciated the letter and that she would be sending a reply.  But the reply was postponed and weeks turned into months.  Later, M's birth mom messaged me again and confessed that the reason she hadn't sent anything was because she was "struggling with the words to say".  Totally understandable!

The good news is that M's birth mom did eventually send a letter including some beautiful pictures of her family.  (The resemblance between M and her biological half-sisters is always fascinating for me to see).  I don't need to go into more details because that is M's and her birth mother's story to share. Needless to say, I was very relieved for my oldest daughter that her contact with her birth mom was both welcome and reciprocated.  What a relief for me and what a blessing for my daughter.

Adoption Mommy Wars: International vs. Domestic, Newborn vs. Older Child, Foster Care vs. Private

Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas while my husband and I were out shopping, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t we just adopt a child from Syria?”  His statement was due, in large part, to the current and ongoing refugee crisis and a result of reading and viewing horrific news almost daily about families forced to flee their homelands for safety.  My husband obviously knows that there’s no such thing as “just” adopting, but he was expressing his solution to a need.

“It’s not that easy," I began, “to adopt a refugee child.”  I continued to share what I have learned over the past couple of years on the topic:

‘It’s actually against U.N. Regulations to adopt refugee children from many countries because there has to be proof that no relatives exist.  That is a process which could take years.”

I continued, “The purpose of fostering unaccompanied refugee minors, however, is not to adopt but to help the youth adjust to a new culture, learn the language, and basically learn whatever skills are necessary for them to live independently as an adult.”

I purposely stressed the word “fostering” because providing refugee foster care is a topic I have discussed with my husband on more than one occasion over the past couple of years.  More than once I have contacted the director of an agency in my state which contracts with Catholic Community Services to provide foster homes for unaccompanied refugee minors.  I grilled the director with many questions about the requirements and training process to become a foster home and even the backgrounds of the youth who are available to foster.  This director was gracious and more than happy to answer all of my questions.

After much discussion, my husband and I decided that although fostering unaccompanied refugee minors is something that we would like to do in the future, for various reasons the timing is not right for our family right now.

My husband became angry after my response about not being able to adopt refugee children so easily.  He wasn’t angry at me, mind you, but at the inequality which some people (namely refugees and orphans) must face.  He retorted with a rhetorical question: “Then what good is it for a child to languish in an impoverished camp when there are homes who are more than willing to take them in?!”  Sometimes I wish more people were like my husband- when he sees someone in need or marginalized in some way he becomes very driven to make the situation fair.   

It was ironic that the month my husband and I had our aforementioned discussion was December- Christmastime- and there was also a feature story in Time Magazine about the lives of four different babies born in the war-torn region of Syria.  There will be further issues which follow up on how each baby and their families are faring.

Below is one of the covers of the magazine and I specifically remember that as I saw the picture I couldn’t help but think about another little baby boy from the Middle East wrapped in swaddling clothes over 2,000 years ago whose family was turned away because there was “no room in the inn.”

Doubtless there may be some reading this post who are thinking, “But why are you worried about children from across the world when there are hundreds of thousands of children right here in the U.S. foster care system who need homes?”  This brings me to an observation I’ve made about some members of the fostering/adoption/orphan care community (and I have to admit, I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself at times):

I've noticed that sometimes people feel so passionately about a cause that they assume everyone should feel the same way- or perhaps they feel that a cause they are drawn to should take precedence over other similar causes. Of course this happens in a very general sense with a variety of issues but what I’m talking about specifically is those who have fostered or adopted from foster care and feel that their route to helping children or adopting is more noble or worthy than, say, a private domestic adoption.  Or those who are so concerned about orphans around the world that they push for international adoption but don’t focus on foster care adoption.  Which cause is “right” or "wrong”?  

In my opinion, anytime someone feels inspired to help another human being [especially children- who are the most vulnerable of humans] then it is a worthy cause.  Period.   Therefore, domestic adoption is right.  International adoption is right and worthy.  Foster care adoption is a right and worthy pursuit as well.  It’s not a contest or debate between which cause is worthiest or which way is best.  I do, however, feel strongly that certain individuals feel “called” to very specific types of adoption based, among other things, on what is best suited for their family.  Allow me to share an example:

I have a friend who is a mother to six children- more than one of her children has special needs (including Down Syndrome) and two of her children were adopted.  This friend, Rebecca, has become a huge advocate not only for adoption but for special needs adoption because of her family’s experiences.  I might add, her adopted children are a different race than her biological children so she’s well versed in the complexities of inter-racial adoption issues as well. I was delighted to learn that Rebecca is in the process of adopting an older child with special needs from China.

A major motivation for Rebecca advocating for the adoption of special needs children in China is the realization that many of these kids with special needs (which covers a huge definition and range of circumstances) run the risk of aging out of their orphanages as young as 14 years old and then they are left to live in an institution.  If these same children were able to live in the United States or another country they could have access to so many services not available to them, not to mention they could live in a FAMILY rather than an institution for the remainder of their lives.

Back to the point of this example: Shortly after Rebecca publicly announced her family's plans to adopt from China (Rebecca’s sister is also in the process of adopting an older child from China- how neat is that?!) she answered a Frequently Asked Question because she has learned from her experiences that people are bound to make judgments.  Although I love Bek’s humor and frankness in answering the question, I also thought it was very sad that she even had to say anything explaining or "justifying" her family’s plans to adopt:

Q. Why China? Aren't there enough kids in America that need homes? (unspoken, and sometimes spoken- "that seems selfish").

A. (Unspoken, sometimes spoken). None of your business! Actually, as Mak and her family are learning, being an "out loud" family means questions or comments are part of the package. Teaching moments abound. Why China? I don't know. Really. One year ago I had never spent ten seconds thinking about China. Every family is different. For my family, that's where our kid was.

I don't know any family that goes into adoption without thinking long and hard about what works for them. It's pretty personal. I know some people who have always dreamed of adopting from there. I bought a bubble blower that I happened to hand to a boy. A few other factors for us is that we live in a place that has lots of mandarin speakers, restaurants and close friends who are Chinese. Our boy won't lack for people to help him transition. Our cousin lives in our apartment and is not only the best auntie around, she also speaks mandarin!

And.. there ARE lots of kids in our country that need homes. If you have seven hours I can have that conversation with you. Kids in our foster care system often have lots of trauma before they are available for adoption. Not everyone is equipped to parent that kind of need. And the very last thing that is good for kids is to have a placement disrupted because no one was properly prepared. So, if you are going to float that question with anyone (especially me) the first thing I will ask you is either how many kids from foster care that YOU are adopting or I will ask something very intimate about your sex life. Like a person’s sex life, choices on building a family belong only to the people involved. Mostly, people are curious. And that's ok! It's fun though to play around with the crunchy people.

I happen to feel very passionately about foster care.  There is such a need for good foster homes.  However, I would never pressure anyone into fostering because it’s hard work and it’s not for everyone.  But like I mentioned before, I have been guilty myself of judging others for not recognizing the need of providing children in the United States with temporary or permanent homes.   Allow me to share one example:

A couple years ago a dear friend of mine visited Africa as part of a humanitarian trip.  As part of the services rendered she was able to visit an orphanage.  She immediately fell in love with the children she saw, especially those with special needs who could benefit greatly from advanced medical care and early intervention services available in the U.S.  Before returning home from her trip she confided in me that, as crazy as it sounded, she wanted to bring home one of the babies from the orphanage to adopt- Literally.

Of course, when I heard of my friend's plans I was like, “Whoa, Nellie!  I know you have contacts over there, but what agency do you plan on going through?  Is it a Hague Accredited Agency?  Otherwise, you could legally run the risk of human trafficking regardless of how worthy your intentions might be.  Adoption isn’t a process like picking out a puppy from a pound and taking them home.  There is a LOT of paperwork involved, research, and how are you going to get a home study approved so fast and background checks for all members of your family?”

My friend is extremely compassionate so her desire to bring relief to the orphans she interacted with came as no surprise to me.  After all, who wouldn’t be moved to bring home a child from an orphanage after visiting, right?  It was the way my friend was approaching the situation, rather than her desire to help, that concerned me. And here’s where I started to feel somewhat judgmental towards my friend (because I’m human and not perfect).  I thought to myself, “If she wants to adopt a child or provide an environment and opportunities to a child that they would not have otherwise why is it that she has to go halfway around the world to do that?  There are literally over 100,000 children in the U.S foster care system legally freed for adoption who would benefit from being in her home and in her family.  Are these kids not exotic enough or special enough?”

Fortunately, I recognized that I was being judgmental and so I settled down and just left it at “That’s AWESOME that she had a life-changing experience.  She wants to make a difference.  Good for her!”  And, in case you’re wondering, she didn’t end up adopting an orphan but she does have additional humanitarian trips planned in her future because of her experiences.

My point in sharing these stories and experiences is that it really is rather silly to argue about which path to adoption is best or most needful.  Every family or individual’s decision to adopt is a very personal one.  It’s kind of like- [going back to the plight of refugees, as I first started off my post]- when I see people getting into heated political arguments about “Which is better- to use our tax money to support homeless veterans or to provide relief for refugees?”  My personal feelings is that it’s not an either/or situation- how about BOTH!

So the next time you hear someone expressing a view (or you find yourself expressing a viewpoint) about which is “better/more needful”- adopting a child from another country, adopting domestically, adopting an infant, or adopting an older child- perhaps we can remember that ALL of them are wonderful options!

Post-Adopt Challenges

(A continuation from my last post)

Sometimes when you have so much on your mind that you realize you are already at 900+ words, you start a new post as a continuation and the introductory paragraph is the concluding paragraph from your last post:

Dealing with birth parent visits, court hearings, home visits by caseworkers, and extra paperwork at medical and dental appointments are issues that I don’t have to worry about anymore since we adopted our two youngest children from foster care.  But that does not mean that the “work” is done or that the hard parts are completely over.  Rather, I have found that there is a continuation of work and dedication in meeting the needs and issues that my children and I will face.  

We adopted our two youngest children from foster care two years ago- after they had been living in our home as our foster children for over a year and a half.  In the past two years I have discovered at least two major areas of “work” that continue on their behalf and one area of “work” that I have acknowledged in myself:

•     Their relationship, identity, and contact with their Birth parents
•    Seeking Post-Adoption Support and services for new diagnoses
•   Grieving Over/Processing my own Losses regarding their histories.

My Children’s relationship, identity to, and contact with Their Birth parents

Hypothetically speaking, even if a child was adopted at birth and the adoption is closed does that mean that the child will never have questions about or a longing for their birth parents?

Even if a child is “too young” to understand, adoption does that mean that their adoptive parents should not share information with the child about their birth parents and how they joined their family?

I suppose these two questions are rhetorical as well, because in my humble opinion, children deserve to know about their history- from the very beginning- even if there are some not-so-happy elements about it.  With this in mind, I am still learning to navigate exactly how much to share with our youngest two children about their first family and their birth parent's histories.  It’s a little easier to share our oldest daughter’s history with her as her birth mother chose us from the very beginning to be her parents.

In the case of foster adoption, birth families have no choice of who ends up adopting their children (if relatives are not an available option).  In addition, continued contact with birth family is not always in the best interest of the children for safety reasons- hence the reason for removing the child from their first family in the first place.  Such a heartbreaking situation on many levels.

In the case of our youngest children it’s also complicated when one birth parent has chosen to no longer be in their lives and the other birth parent would like a relationship with them but is not always accessible.  On my part I can always send pictures and hope that they are received even if I don't get a response back.

Seeking post-adoption support and services for new diagnoses

I could probably write two or three posts alone on this particular subject.  Instead, let me just pass on a few observations about post-adoption support, particularly in cases of foster adoption:

1) If you have adopted from foster care, you should have a post-adopt worker assigned to you.  If you don’t know who that is, contact the state or agency you went through!  Although I have only spoken with our post-adoption worker once over the phone, I was very impressed with her willingness to help me find the resources I needed.

2) In addition to your post-adoption worker, other foster parents who have adopted are often the best source of support.  Case in point: I had a question/concern about the best ways to get one of my children settled down for sleep at night and to sleep through the night.  Sleep issues are not uncommon for foster parents to deal with but this particular issue was slightly different than other cases I have dealt with (again- I may explore this issue in another post).  I posed a question to a private, online forum of foster parents and I not only got some great advice within a matter of minutes from parents of children with similar backgrounds/diagnoses to my child’s but I felt so VALIDATED in my frustrations about dealing with this particular issue.

 Children are placed into foster care because of abuse and neglect.  Many times this abuse/neglect or domestic violence is amplified by substance abuse problems.  Therefore,

3)  it is VITAL when caring for children in the foster care system to be prepared for issues in the child’s development specific to trauma and exposure to drugs.  I think it is also safe to say (although I can only think of one specific statistic- see graphic below- off the top of my head) that children in foster care are disproportionately at risk as compared to their counterparts not in foster care for mental health diagnoses such as depression, anxiety, PTSD, ADD, ADHD- and even ODD, RAD, or Sensory Processing Disorder.

     Now here’s the thing about dealing with diagnoses or issues specific to children in foster care: In pre-service training our trainer did a good job of teaching us what kind of behaviors or issues we might expect in the children who came through our home.  However, it’s kind of like when you get a placement or even AFTER an adoption has been finalized, you find yourself dealing with an issue or behavior and you realize, “Okay, they told us this might happen, but what exactly do we do about it now?   What services are available for this child and where can I learn more about how to effectively parent in this situation?”   This is where post-adoption support and reaching out to other foster-adoptive families can be so beneficial!  

For general post-adoption support resources, click below:

http://www.adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/parenting-support/for-adoptive-parents

To search for information from a particular state, click below:

https://www.childwelfare.gov/topics/adoption/adopt-assistance/?CWIGFunctionsaction=adoptionByState:main.getAnswersByQuestion&questionID=7

Grieving/Processing My Own Losses Regarding my Children’s Histories

     I've focused this post on meeting the needs of my children and seeking out support, so I will save this last particular issue for a different post.

Don't Take Knowledge of Your DNA for Granted!

From the time she was very little, many people have told me that my oldest daughter shares many of my mannerisms and facial expressions.  Although we do share certain traits or even looks- as parents and children  often do- she doesn't have my hair color or eye color.  She definitely gets those from her birthmother. 

My youngest children happen to both be blonde, blue eyed, and fair-skinned- like me- yet they don't get that from me either.  My little boy not only shares my sensitive skin, but a sometimes overly sensitive and cautious spirit, and a propensity to allergies and autoimmune issues with me.  His little sister, on the other hand, has always been much more carefree and impulsive by nature.  And when I use the term "by nature" I mean it quite literally as I can see much of her birthmother's personality in her: wanting to do whatever is the most fun or adventurous at the moment despite the consequences that follow. 

I was able to get to know the birthmother of my two youngest children over the course of a year and a half when they were in our care as our foster children.  I knew our youngest daughter's medical history from the beginning since we brought her home from the hospital as a newborn.

However, there were some questions about my son's first year of life and medical background to which I didn't have answers.  There have been more than one assessment and a few medical questionnaires/exams for my son where I honestly couldn't answer all the questions on a form or from a health professional, such as "Does this child have a family history of deafness?"  "Was this child full-term gestation at birth?"  "Was the birth vaginal or Casearean?" 

I would have to leave a big question mark for the answer or hesitantly answer, "I . . . don't know." because I honestly didn't know.

In fact, I don't think it was until my son had been living with us for almost a year as our foster child that I was able to learn about his birth history from his birthmother.  Unlike his preemie sister, it turns out that he was born full-term (overdue, technically) and yes, it was a vaginal delivery.  I felt a little intrusive for asking such personal questions but it was a necessity.  You see, when Jack was just a toddler he ended up in the hospital after a couple of visits to the E.R. to be treated for a somewhat rare and potentially serious (but fortunately very treatable) autoimmune disease.  Although Jack's birthmom was always invited, she rarely showed up for his other doctor's appointments and medical check-ups.  However, the gravity of the situation really scared her and she did all in her power to be by her baby's side during his time in the hospital.

The first couple of days that Jack was in the hospital a team of doctors were trying to assess his symptoms and come up with a correct diagnosis.   Something was definitely wrong with him- it was just a matter of finding out what it was so that he could be properly treated and find some relief.

The team of doctors and interns would speculate and debate about a diagnosis: "It could be this, but then again, it could be this."  Nothing could be done but more tests, more observation, and more waiting.  With all the uncertainty it was extremely helpful, and I might add, quite a relief, to have Jack's birth mother and birth grandmother be at the hospital when they could to help fill in the gaps about questions regarding his family medical history since I sure couldn't.  Sure- after working with them for over a year I would have been able to tell the doctors about my foster son's birth parents social histories, mental health histories, heck- even their criminal backgrounds-  but as far as complete family medical histories- which was precisely what was needed at the time- I just. didn't. know.

Knowing your family medical history is not only helpful but can literally be a life-saver in some cases.  Unfortunately, parents with adopted children don't always know their child's family medical history if the adoption is closed and/or if the child's birth parents and relatives are deceased or cannot be contacted. 

One possible solution to such a dilemma is DNA testing.  The technology is WAY above my head and I am baffled about all of the discoveries that can be made about someone simply by analyzing their spit in a little tube!

I loved this clip which I saw just this month:



DNA Testing not only reveals a person's ethnic heritage, but also gives clues to which medical conditions they may have a predisposition towards.  Because I'm not adopted, I have always known my family medical history (or at least been in a position where I can simply ask my mom or dad which diseases or ailments run in our family OR learn that info from another family member).

Consider this example:

"Mary- if you ever find yourself in an emergency room with crippling pain- maybe even so bad you think you might be having a HEART ATTACK- be sure to tell the doctors that you have four sisters and a mom who have all had their gallbladders removed."  

That was my sister's advice to me years ago after undergoing surgery to have her gallbladder removed.   And since my sister is a nurse as well she used the occasion to educate me about the risk factors for gallbladder problems- the Four "F"s: female, forty, fat, and fertile.  I still remain the only one of my mother's daughters who hasn't had to have my gallbladder removed (Knock on Wood).  I joke that it is because, unlike my four sisters, I don't share the risk factor of being fertile.  I guess you could say that is one instance where my infertility has actually worked to my advantage.

Perhaps I will never have gallstones as my mother, sisters, many cousins, and a few nieces have- but it's good to be aware that it runs in my family just in case it does happen.  My mom has always told us that any stomach problems we may have- including gallbladder problems, acid reflux, indigestion, polyps, and, unfortunately, stomach cancer, come from her side of the family.  I have my dad, on the other hand, to blame for my sinus and allergy problems.   Thanks a lot, Dad!  

But it's not just medical conditions or strictly biological traits that I have inherited from my parents. Just as I have blue eyes like my dad I've also inherited his love of books and learning.  Although it's hard to tell if it's a matter of nature or nurture I'd like to think that I get my love of children, the ability to see humor in situations, and the natural ability to make others feel welcome and at ease from my mother.

Aside from knowing one's medical family history discovering one's ETHNICITY and HERITAGE is another miracle of DNA testing.  Both of my parents happen to love family history so I am fortunate to have access to copies of their numerous genealogy charts, family histories, documents and a few pictures which have been passed down through the generations. 

As for my heritage, I have always been particularly proud of my Scottish lineage.  When I hear bagpipes- I kid you not- I feel a physiological change take place inside of me and I'm immediately filled with a sense of both pride and reverence.  I am also proud to be English, Welsh, and Manx.  (And here's a confession in case anyone's not familiar with the term "Manx"- I didn't even know where the Isle of Mann was until my dad taught us about one of our revered forebears and his life's experiences.)

Much of my ancestry is what some might characterize as boringly British (don't get me wrong- I love the British Isles- and am particularly fond of English literature and history, but it just seems like Brits are just so WHITE and un-exotic).  Therefore, I was ECSTATIC to learn through my father's research on his lines, that I have African heritage (albeit South African) and even a very teeny-tiny small percentage of Bengal Indian in me!

I know these parts of my identity and can celebrate them because they've been passed down to me.  But not everyone- whether adopted or not- does know their heritage or ethnicity.  Once again, a solution to this is DNA testing.

Although I've never taken any DNA tests before, I know that Ancestry.com offers DNA testing kits for $99 which is less expensive but perhaps less extensive than DNA testing from 23andme.  I have also heard that Ancestry.com offers half-price specials around the Christmas holidays and have known of more than one adoptive parent who has bought a kit for their child for the sole purpose of discovering their ancestry.

DNA Testing or tracing your family history through research are definitely something to look into for anyone who wants to discover their roots!

Two Equally Real Families

I saw this quote the other day and it was a great reminder for me to try and see things from the perspective of someone who has been adopted:

 (To learn more about the author of this quote and her experiences click here)

I also readily admit that I grew a little uncomfortable just reading the quote.  As an adoptive mother, part of me doesn't want to acknowledge the rift my children may feel concerning their biological families and their adoptive family.  I don't like the concept of anyone having to "choose" between families or of placing blame on or possibly feeling resentment towards one family- it creates an "us" versus "them" mentality and that kind of reasoning taken to the extreme is like setting the stage for a contest in which there can only be one winner for the coveted title of "Real Family" when, in fact, in adoption there are no winners or losers but two equally real families who happen to share a child.

I've always considered myself to be fairly open with my children about their histories so that it's just a fact that they started out with a biological family (or solely a birthmother- depending on their story) before joining our family through adoption.  I also see the wisdom in keeping things as age-appropriate as possible so that I don't have to give them details they might not understand or might not be ready to process just yet. 

For example, ever since my oldest daughter was pre-school aged and cognizant that babies grow inside of their mommies I would offer up the explanation to her that "mommy's tummy is broken" and that is why she grew in her birthmother's tummy rather than mine.  "Mommy's tummy is broken" is a much more appropriate explanation to a young child than "I have no problem ovulating and daddy's sperm is fine but any fertilized eggs have trouble implanting in my uterus due to extensive endometrial growths despite repeated surgeries and medical interventions to help suppress the growths."  Yeah . . . I think anyone can see why "Mommy's tummy is broken" will suffice.

When it comes to my oldest daughter's "other" family, I've always been cautious about how to tell her that she has biological half siblings- not because I was trying to keep it a big secret from her but because I was afraid of the questions and issues it would lead to, namely, Why did my birthmom choose to "keep" them but not me?  And I really HATE to use such a simplistic word as "keep" rather than "parent" for the same exact reasons I felt uneasy with the causality surrounding term 'let go of' in the quote I shared in the beginning, but I am thinking about how my daughter or anyone who has been adopted, for that matter, might perceive things.

Because of my concerns, I was so relieved at M.'s reaction when I told her that she has biological half sisters.  She didn't ask anything whatsoever about "How come they're with my birthmom and I'm not?" but rather, she became excited and announced, "I have sisters!"  Incidentally, they know about her as well although they have not yet met in person.  M. was especially excited to learn that two of her bio half-siblings are older sisters because she's always thought that it would be cool to have an older sibling.  Which, incidentally, makes me wonder if it's really such a bad thing to adopt out of birth order when there are so many older children available for adoption but that's another subject for another post!

I also laughed when M. enthusiastically and matter of factly told me, "So now we have 9 people in our family!"  (Five in our family plus her birthmom and her three biological half-sisters).  I immediately envisioned her telling all her friends and everyone at school about her new-found discovery and I tried explaining that they weren't in our family but they were part of her biological family.  It didn't seem to make much of a difference to her and she still didn't see what the big deal was with me having her call them "biological sisters" rather than just simply "sisters."  My daughter's inclusiveness taught me a lot that day.

For now we're good with M.'s knowledge of having biological half-siblings in addition to her little brother and sister, but what happens the day that my daughter does ask me "Why did my birthmom choose to 'keep' them but not me?"

Here's what I can tell her:

-Your birthmother wanted you to have a mommy AND a daddy.  (She's heard this fact before but I will repeat it to her as often as necessary.)

-Your birthmother knew from experience how hard it is to be a single parent.  

M. can learn more details from her birthmother when they both decide that the time is right.  She does know that the reason her "other sisters" are referred to as half-siblings is that they have the same biological mom but different biological fathers.

As for my two youngest children- they have a biological (full) baby brother as well.  At this point I'm uncertain if he is still in the care of their birthmom and although they've met him a couple of times it's been over a year since they last saw him and I honestly don't know if they even remember him.  It's nice to have pictures of them together for any future inquiries.

When the time comes that my two youngest (now only 2 and 3 years old) ask: "How come my birthmom ended up with our baby brother (if only for a time) but not with us?"  the answer is a bit complicated because the circumstances surrounding their adoption from foster care are so different from when we adopted our oldest daughter through a private agency with no state involvement whatsoever.  

How do you explain neglect and drug addiction to a young child?  I have learned through other foster adoptive families to explain drug addiction as a disease so when my youngest children do ask the hard questions I plan on saying something to the effect of, "Your birthmom had a disease which kept her from raising you.  That disease is drug addiction."   I might also add- it's scary when two of your children have a high genetic predisposition towards drug addiction on not just one but both sides of their bio family's lines!

In summary, I don't ever want to keep the facts about my children's first families and how they came to be in our family a big secret, because their other families are just as "real" and valid as our family. They deserve their due recognition.

However,  I do want to use discretion in sharing that information with my children in a timely and age-appropriate manner.

I Foster; Therefore, I Facebook Stalk

Okay, I admit it- I have totally Facebook stalked the parents of my foster children and/or the birthmother and birthfather of two of my children who I am not Facebook friends with.  (Please tell me I'm not the only foster parent out there who does this!)  

However, I don't like the word "stalk"- that makes me sound so creepy and well . . . voyeuristic.   I much prefer words such as "investigate" and "research" over "stalk".  

In all seriousness though, my "research" or "data collection" has had some major advantages.  Had I not facebook stalked the birthfather of two of our children I would never have had some truly priceless photos of him lovingly and playfully holding them in his arms when he was a part of their lives.  I also would not have had access to a couple of photos of my children's biological parents together- when they were together, that is.

Through Facebook:

*I was able to reconnect with the adoptive mother of one of our former foster children (it was a kinship adoption).  Through that relationship I was able to pass on to Rose's new mother a bunch of baby pictures of Rose when she was in our care.

Through Facebook:

* I was happy to learn that the father of one of our former foster children is doing well in his work and that his little boy (who was just a somber baby when in our care) looks like a typical happy, healthy child who remains the apple of his father's eye.  I was further delighted to learn that this child's father was no longer a single parent because he got married (not to the mother of our former foster child who lost her parental rights to their child; that outcome would not have been a good one.)

Through Facebook:

*I was surprised to find that one of our former foster children's moms had a new baby.  I wasn't able to ascertain if she was still with our former foster child's father.  I was even more surprised to discover that her oldest child- our first foster placement who was just a pre-schooler when he was in our care- now has a facebook account of his own as he is heading into the teen years!  I laughed when I read "My mom finally let me have a facebook after begging her." and I thought it was sweet to see Justin post a photo of himself holding a baby in his arms with the caption: "My Baby Brother."

In general, I feel hopeful when I learn that the parents of our foster children have a steady job, are working hard in recovery, and appear to be doing well.  

I also get really nervous for the parents of our foster children when they continually brag about explicit drug use, post an abundance of cleavage selfies or pictures of themselves in suggestive poses which would make the Kardashians look downright wholesome, or use a picture of themselves pointing a weapon at the camera for their latest profile picture- even if it is "just a joke".

Such instances make me wonder "Do you realize that your current or potential employers or law enforcement or ANYONE can see what you're choosing to make public on the internet?"

Recently I've been thinking about Jack and Jill's birthmom and how she is doing.  Actually, it's more accurate to say 'How can I not think about her?'  Sometimes my youngest children will look at me and in their faces I see a facial expression of their first mom stariing right back at me.  Although I send their bio mom pictures of "our" kids regularly and I have her number, I recently became a little concerned when she wasn't responding to my texts.  After doing some investigating on her facebook page I discovered that she was not in a good place, which meant, through the process of elimination, that neither was Jack and Jill's baby brother- if he's still in her care, that is.

I became worried when I read a particularly troubling status update by Jack and Jill's birthmom and then her posts stopped abruptly. Further investigating led me to discover that she is not just figuratively 'not in a good place' but quite literally not in a good place- as in jail.  Again.  This time on a totally different charge than her last booking.  It was evident from her mug shot that she's been using again.  So sad.

Time for another confession: I readily admit that on more than one occasion I have searched the public online County Jail Inmate Roster to collect info about the parents of my foster children.  I've done this both  before meeting them for the first time to know what to expect and even long after their case has been closed- to see how they're doing.

Sometimes I envy other adoptive families who have healthy, open relationships with their children's birth families because face-to-face contact and accessibility is not a problem or threat to their child's safety. 

Then again, sometimes I'm honestly relieved that I have a valid excuse not to have to worry about navigating a face-to-face relationship with Jack and Jill's birthmom.  Don't misunderstand me- I fully recognize that it's because of her that Jack and Jill are in my life.  She carried them in her womb which is something I couldn't do for them.  But it's also because of her choices and the choices of their birthfather that they were removed from their care and placed into foster care to begin with.  

It's not all black and white.  I experience all sorts of ambivalent emotions when I think of the role Jack and Jill's birthmother has played in my children's lives ranging anywhere from pity for her to resentment of some of the choices she's made and how those choices have affected or will affect my children's futures to admiration for the choice she made to finally put her children's needs above her own wants by relinquishing her parental rights.

In the end, what is best for my children takes precedence over what I personally think or want as an adoptive parent.   Because of that, I want to do all in my power to collect as much information as I can for them about their first parents (even if that means resorting to Facebook stalking) until it's an appropriate time for them to meet their first parents again in person, if that's what they desire.

Continued Contact with Birthparents in Foster Adoption

The circumstances surrounding our recent adoption compared to our first adoption (and more specifically, the birthmothers of our children in each case) are so vastly different that it is like comparing apples to oranges.  

I suppose that open adoption in any case can be tricky to navigate but in cases of foster adoption if your children’s first parents have severe mental illness, criminal records, ties to drugs and gangs, or a history of neglecting, endangering, or abandoning their children it doesn’t exactly make you want to embrace continued contact with them with open arms.  The safety and privacy of your children and family trump all else. 

However, despite the fact that Jack and Jill’s first mother is ____________ (fill in the blank): a drug addict or mentally ill or homeless or not capable of parenting [she is not all of those things, by the way, but those are some very common conditions of the parents of children we’ve fostered, to use as examples] doesn’t negate her place as first mother in their lives nor do such unsavory facts or labels negate the role or influence- be it good or bad- that she or any of the parents of the children we’ve ever fostered have on their children.  Not acknowledging their birthmother would not only be disrespectful to her but dishonest as well- it would be hiding part of our children’s story, even if that story did not start out under the best of circumstances.

After Jack and Jill’s birthmother relinquished her parental rights two months ago DCFS allowed her one final “goodbye visit” with her children at the DCFS Office.   I was grateful that the caseworker supervising the visit took the time to record the visit and made copies for us and for her. 

Although we are under no legal obligation whatsoever to keep in contact with Jack and Jill’s first mother, we have decided to let her have continued, yet limited, contact with Jack and Jill based on what is in their best interest.   Herein lies the dilemma: it’s really not in their best interest (at this point in time, at least) for them to have continued contact with her.  And yet, we know that their first mother is having a hard time losing two children.  Because of this, between the time of her “official” goodbye visit and the adoption we all met at a third-party location (that sounds so secretive- but it was just a McDonalds) where she visited with Jack and Jill for an hour.  We took lots of pictures and it was amusing to see Jack interact with his baby brother whom the children have met at least once before at one of their supervised visits where their birth grandma was able to lend a hand.  Jack has always had a gentle nature and couldn’t give the baby enough hugs.  Jill, however, didn’t want to share any attention so she was totally ignoring the baby and doing her own thing.

At the end of the visit after watching their mother interact with the kids it was just confirmed to my husband and I what we already suspected:  Although it was fun for Jack to see the baby, the visit wasn’t so much for our children’s benefit as it was for their first mom’s sake.   In truth, Jill much preferred to have “Daddy” chase her around and play with her each time her birthmother tried to pick her up and hold her.

So that’s where we’re at with continued contact at this point in time.  Over the past several weeks we’ve been trying to set up some boundaries between our children’s first mother and ourselves which can be tricky and somewhat awkward.  The hardest part for us has been trying to find a balance between being sensitive to her loss and feelings while simultaneously helping her to understand that she is no longer their parent and because of that, Jack and Jill need some time (and space) to bond with us as their full-time parents. 

Not only would such space give Jack and Jill a better sense of permanency but hopefully such space will give us some breathing room as foster parents coming to the close of a year and a half long emotionally exhausting case which has been full of weekly required visits.  We also think that such space and temporary separation, although understandably hard on her, would be beneficial for their first mom and her healing.  At this point so close after relinquishment and adoption any personal contact she has with Jack and Jill will just make things harder.

One option I’m considering to help Jack and Jill differentiate between their first mother and myself, now that I am their official mom and she no longer is, is to refer to her as Mama ________ (her first name).  That way we still both retain the “mother” status but there is a difference for them between “the woman who used to be my mother” (somewhat less formal by attaching her first name in back of “Mama”) and “my current mother” (simply “Mama”).

As for Jack and Jill’s birthfather, he hasn’t had any contact with them since last summer and they thus haven’t been faced with the dilemma of having to differentiate between two daddies.  I envy my husband for not having to deal with any of that parenting drama/competition because sometimes it’s hard to share such a crucial role- especially when most parents don’t have to share their child with another mom or dad when they welcome a child into their family (step-parenting is certainly one exception.)

Although Jack and Jill’s birthfather expressed the desire to relinquish his parental rights last year he never actually showed up to any of the court hearings to officially do so and therefore, at the recent pre-trial hearing where Jack and Jill’s mother relinquished her rights, their birthfather’s rights were officially terminated in his absence after having been given advanced notice.

Together WE Are Motherhood

Over seven years ago my husband and I met our daughter’s birthmother for the first time, in the hospital, just three days after she gave birth to our daughter.  This brave, strong woman was in the process of relinquishing her parental rights to her baby and I am so relieved that she had at least two days in the hospital to spend with her newborn baby girl- holding her and welcoming her into the world; in essence having the chance to say “hello” before saying goodbye. 

I was amazed at the sense of calm our daughter’s birthmother displayed on that bittersweet occasion (because my husband and I were overcome with plenty of emotion and tears).  The caseworker who worked with our daughter’s birthmother reported to us that she had shed most of her tears over the previous couple of days in anticipation of relinquishment.

Among other important matters the day of our initial face-to-face meeting with our daughter’s birthmother, we discussed openness in adoption and considered what might feel most comfortable to everyone involved since none of us had any previous experiences to draw upon.

I think nowadays most adoptive parents who adopt privately probably have a chance to speak with expectant parents, get to know them, and get a feel for how each other feel about such complex issues as contact and openness well before the baby is born, but in our case our daughter was born premature, so her birthmother didn’t have a lot of time to get to know the couple she chose to adopt her baby and even consider such important matters with us until after our daughter was already born.

Over the last couple of weeks my husband and I have seen tears on another mother’s face as we’ve had the same type of discussion regarding how much contact to have if we are to adopt her children, with the issue of “What kind of contact would be best for the children?” at the forefront of the discussion.  Our current situation, however, is completely different than our first adoption because unlike our first adoption, this time the mother is our foster children’s biological mother and she has not voluntarily chosen to place her children with us. 

Our foster children have been in our home for almost 18 months now and after being given more than one extension to complete everything required of her to get her children back into her care, their mother now faces the difficult option of either relinquishing her parental rights so that we can adopt her children (because guardianship or adoption by relatives is out of the question this far into the case) OR she can go through a formal legal trial where, most likely, her parental rights will be terminated anyway based on evidence and testimony that she is unfit to be a mother to her two children who are in our care.

I’ve never been to a TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) Hearing before but I hear that they are pretty awful to witness.   After all, as parents- and mothers in particular- don’t we all have a tendency to be too hard on ourselves when it comes to what we’re doing “wrong” in parenting rather than focusing on all of the good we do for the children in our care?  Imagine being told BY A JUDGE IN A COURT OF LAW that you can no longer legally parent your children because you’ve already endangered them and "messed up" too many times before.  That has to cut deeply.

The other factor that makes this pending adoption vastly different than our first adoption is the fact that our foster children will have already had a relationship with their mother if/when they are adopted.  Their mother is the woman who gave them life and brought them into the world (something which I have never personally been able to do for a child) and because of that she will always be known by the sacred title of “mother” to them.    

However, as their foster mother I am also a mother to Jack and Jill- I have been for all of Jill’s life and more than half of Jack’s short life so far.  They call me “mama” but they also refer to their mom as “mama”.  Although she’s their biological mother and will always have that crucial role in their life their relationship with her is more like with that of an aunt or a close family friend.  At their supervised visits each week she is delighted to see them and tell them how much they’ve grown.  She hugs and kisses them and plays with them and will spoil them with too much candy and junk food (What little kid wouldn’t be excited for such a visit?!)  But I’m the mom who makes sure they’ve brushed their teeth or eaten their vegetables.  I’m the mom who cleans up their throw-up when they’re sick or who reads them stories and sings them lullabies before bedtime and kisses their owies better.   The fact that she can’t tuck them into bed at night or even have a visit with them without caseworkers taking notes on any “inappropriate parenting behaviors” must be very painful for her.

She is the mom who gave her children life but I am the mom who parents them.  It has not always been easy to share these little children with each other- jealousies and possessiveness are bound to come up when not kept under check- but the one thing that unites us is our love for Jack and Jill.  To quote Desha Wood one more time, “He is mine in a way that he will never be hers, yet he is hers in a way that he will never be mine, and so together, WE are motherhood.”

Regardless of the differences in our first adoption and our pending forthcoming adoption do you know what both biological mothers of our daughter and our foster children have in common?  It’s pretty simple, really: They both love their children.

I was sure to tell Jack and Jill’s mother that if we did adopt her children we will always make sure Jack and Jill know how much she loves them.  It was important for me to stress this to her because I think she equates relinquishment and adoption with abandoning her children and “giving up” rather than with selfless love and putting the needs of her children above her own wants.  Unfortunately, loving a child is not the same as being able to parent a child or keep them safe; hence the need for placing children in foster care in the first place.

Jack and Jill’s mother gave me a hug and had tears in her eyes the day we brought up the possibility of her keeping in contact with her children if we adopted them.  It’s not the first time she’s expressed such gratitude to me before.  Although she didn’t say one way or the other whether she has decided to relinquish her parental rights or if she wants to pursue fighting the state’s recommendations to terminate her parental rights at a forthcoming trial, we will learn what happens next week at the scheduled Pre-Trial.