Loss and Hidden Sorrow

 I started writing this yesterday and was able to finish this morning before my first appointment.

There’s been a lot of loss the past couple of days in our nation and in my heart.  Today is 9/11 and there’s a collective grief and outpouring of reverence as we remember the lives lost and how the world has changed since then.  Yesterday there was a political assassination in my own state, and then just hours later I got word of yet another school shooting. Such tragedies can serve as a call to action for change and either bring people together in unity or create more division.

On a personal level, tomorrow is the death anniversary of my mom.  I’ll have time to visit her grave before I go to work. Hers is a loss I share with my siblings and other family members, so we can be of support to each other and lean on each other, if needed.

The past couple of days I’ve been experiencing a loss that isn’t publicly known.  Only my husband and children, a couple of my siblings, and a trusted church leader are aware.  This one is an ambiguous loss- because the person who has been “lost”- my oldest adopted daughter- is still alive- but she has chosen not to physically be in our home anymore.

I’ll back up to how we got to his point. This was my Facebook status from a couple of years ago:

                                     

Over the past couple of years our daughter has had an open relationship with not only her birth mother, but with birth siblings.  She’s been able to meet aunts, uncles, a few cousins, and grandparents she was previously unaware of.  I mention these relationships because 20 years ago when we started our adoption journey the focus in our preparation and training was on the “adoption triad”- meaning adopted child, birth parents, and adoptive parents.  However, now I prefer using the more updated and inclusive term “adoption kinship network” because adoption involves many more people than just parents and child. 

Something my daughter never had before opening up the relationship with her birth family is older sisters, and now she does! How cool is it that my daughter was able to be one of her half sister’s bridesmaids at her wedding?  How fun for my daughter that she gets doubly spoiled with gifts and baskets and stockings during Easter and Christmas? 

For the most part, things have been “good” for my daughter with her open adoption experience, but my husband and I have faced some challenges.  What started out as an invitation to keep things open with her birth mother has morphed into more of a coparenting arrangement, not respecting our boundaries, and on more than one occasion, going behind our backs.

Ideally, a successful open adoption brings to mind words and concepts like “sharing” “mutual respect” and “multiplication of love” (rather than something finite that can be divided up into smaller pieces).  But without boundaries, open communication, and mutual respect things can turn into resentment, jealousy, and competition. 

I think what’s most surprising to me is that I’m generally a pretty chill, kind person and I’ve always been good at sharing.  But things have transpired over the past year that have made me realize I’m not as good as “sharing” as I thought- especially when I feel like my role as a parent is not honored.    

I could go into a lot more detail, but this is not the place to do that.  That is what friends or therapy or sisters are for, right?

This is the text I got a couple of days ago which broke my heart.

                                           

What I thought might be an overnight visit or just a couple of days is now indefinite.  I realized my daughter’s intentions when she returned to the house with two empty duffel bags provided by her birth mom. 

As I discussed things with Jack and Jill after my oldest daughter packed up more clothes and belongings and left the house, they tried to downplay things, with statements such as “It was bound to happen sometime.” And “It’s okay- she never spent as much time with us and would prefer being with her boyfriend, anyway.”  Were they trying to protect their own feelings or were they trying to comfort and console me in a way?

18 years old but with still a year left of high school and no drivers license or job is an awkward stage to try to leave home. I say leave home instead of “run away” because it’s not exactly the same thing. But it does bring up similar panic and concern in a parent’s heart.

I reminded my daughter that she’s still on our insurance, I still have to take her to dr’s appointments, and even though she’s 18 years old my husband and I are the only ones who can legally excuse her absences from school or check her out of school.

This year a young woman from my state ran away from home-twice- (fortunately she turned herself into a police station the first time) and some of the comments left online were so incredibly judgmental- such as “I wonder what’s going on in that home to make her run away twice!”  “It must be her parents fault”, etc.

If you’ve never had a child suffer from mental illness or trauma (and adoption is trauma since it’s born from loss) then please refrain from making any judgements.

I know that things could be much more worse.  Although my daughter’s birth mom has not yet attempted to communicate with me or respond to my texts, I am in daily contact with my daughter (at least via texting) and I know that she’s safe.  She expressed that she will still join us for family celebrations.  

But it hurts that she’s not home.  

Nobody will be bringing me a casserole or card expressing "I'm sorry for your loss", because the loss is not known to others.

Ambiguous Loss

 As a mental health therapist I’m familiar with Elisabeth Kubler Ross’s Stages of Grief.  I am also well aware that grieving is not a perfectly linear cycle of steps but that grief can manifest itself in many different ways and can jump all over the place. 

I have also learned, through personal and professional experiences, that some losses- like death- are somewhat easier to understand and process because they’re so final and so public.  When you lose someone to death, there is an immediate outpouring of sympathy.   Having lost both of my parents and both of my in-laws over the past three years- [four of them within three short months of each other]- my husband and I have been on the receiving end of that kind of support. People learn of the loss and express their condolences because they want to be of help.  But what happens when people are unaware of a loss or it’s not a typical “I’m sorry for your loss- here’s some flowers and a casserole” type of loss?

There is a different kind of loss- ambiguous loss (also known as disenfranchised grief) which is a little more complicated because it refers to not a physical loss of someone, but grieving someone who is still alive.  A couple of examples which relate specifically to adoption and foster care are: 

1) The tremendous loss and grief children in the foster care system can feel when being split up from their siblings or separated from their parents. 

2) An adopted person or birth parent (especially in closed adoptions) grieving the loss of their relationship and/or role in the life of their birth parent or child.  Even though the person is still alive, they may not be around or even acknowledged. 

3) Foster parents grieving the loss of their foster children after they leave the home and are either reunified with family or placed in a different placement.  In this case I have sometimes chided myself and felt like I don’t have the “right” to grieve because the child was never mine to begin with and I’m the one who signed up for it in the first place.  Nevertheless, thinking of those babies and children who have been a part of our home and who aren’t here anymore hurts deeply.

A few other examples of disenfranchised grief not related to fostering or adoption could be divorce, miscarriage, or grieving over someone with dementia or a traumatic brain injury.  I feel like I lost my mom more than once due to her Alzheimer’s the last couple of years of her life.  As hard as it was to lose her to death, I became so frustrated and angry and sad that I lost her even before her passing when she was living, on the occasions that I felt she was not the same person I had been raised by.  

One of the reasons I’m talking about ambiguous loss is because over the past couple of years I have felt some very real losses over how I expected my children to be contrasted with the reality of some of the challenges that they’ve had to face and will continue to face.  These challenges- like Jill’s autism- aren’t always known to others so it’s a type of loss of hidden sorrow that my husband and I keep to ourselves without others necessarily knowing.

I can tell you for certain one thing that makes these losses even more apparent- and that is when I compare my children to other people’s children who appear to have no struggles at all.  I think it was either Eleanor or Theodore Roosevelt who said” Comparison is the thief of joy.” And I 100% agree. 

For Jill’s 4^th grade year I was sure to give her teacher a head’s up of any concerns I had and she did pretty well academically, but struggled a bit emotionally and socially. Her attendance was good until about April when she started getting burnt out again- which seems to be a pattern over the past couple of years.   I also vividly remember an email I got from her teacher one day which was sent to me telling me how well Jill was able to pay attention and finish her work one particular day.  I literally breathed a sigh of relief when I received that email because it stood in sharp contrast to a couple other emails I’d received (and at least one phone call home from her teacher on one occasion and the vice principal on another occasion) when Jill had gotten in trouble.

Last school year (5^th grade) we decided to enroll Jill in a private charter school which had smaller class sizes and a teacher’s aide in every classroom.  We believed she would get some more individualized attention for her needs and she did really well (with the exception of a couple of incidents at the end of the year requiring emails home from the principal and vie principal!)  I was really proud of Jill for making the transition to a new school, new classroom, new teacher, new rules and new dress code0 but especially since she didn’t know anyone.  However, for this school year Jill decided she wanted to spend her last year of grade school at the local elementary where most of her friends are.  I can’t blame her. 

We were planning on Jill going back to her regular elementary school this fall, but we had some rough patches with her behavior during the summer (including, sadly, some incidents of self-harm) so in the past couple of weeks we had a change of plans.  We withdrew her from her local elementary school temporarily- where most of the other kids in our neighborhood would be going, and after researching some different options, we were able to get her into an Intensive Outpatient Day Treatment Program during the day which specializes in kids with autism.  We are extremely fortunate that our insurance will pick up the cost, the commute is less than twenty minutes and that they had an opening for Jill to  be admitted the exact same day that classes began in our school district. 

Jill has successfully completed her first week of her IOP program and is doing very well. We get a write up of her progress each day and all of he medication management is taken care of by the nurses and staff at the center while she is there rather than her psychiatrist.  This has advantages as she went through some medication changes during the summer (when her focus didn’t have to be as high due to school not being in session) from a stimulant ADHD medication to a non-stimulant medication because of some side effects.  Go figure, she ended up recently going back on her original stimulant medication because the benefits outweighed the side effects.

 Jill will be in her intensive outpatient program for 8-12 weeks depending on the progress she makes.  She only spends about a couple of hours a day on actual school work an the rest of the time doing various groups (The OT room is awesome!) for therapy.  She sees an individual therapist at least once a week and will have family therapy once a week- which is important.  I know as a therapist with my children and adolescent clients that you can’t just drop them off to a therapist with the attitude of “fix my kid” without having the support and education of involved parents and understanding how parenting styles and family dynamics affect child. 

Jill was a little worried about what she might tell other kids when she returns to her regular school about where she was during the first couple months of the schoolyear, but her therapist explained to her that she could just tell them “I was at a different school” which is not a lie as the school portion of the program is an actual accredited school who will provide her teachers and next school a transcript of the work she completed.  I do worry that she might not have all the cushy advantages of her current program at her regular school (plenty of breaks and snacks and not a batted eye when she plays with fidgets to regulate or chews on her chewelry), but I’ve also been told that a staff member or two of the IOP can meet with her regular school when she’s completed the program to give an update and suggest which accommodations or teaching methods work well for her, so her 504 can be fine-tuned.

The Child Protection Plan

Earlier this year my husband and I had the humbling and sobering experience of meeting with an attorney to draw up the papers for our personal Family Trust.  As part of the process, we had to come up with “nominations” of family members we trusted enough to become guardians to our children in the case that we both died or became incapacitated while our children were still minors. 

Part of the paperwork we had to fill out in our Trust included a document called a “Child Protection Plan” in which we also had to provide information for any possible future guardians of our children.  The name alone of the document, “Child Protection Plan”, sounded like some sort of form a child welfare worker would fill out, but rather than being filled out by a social worker, it was filled out by two parents concerned for the welfare of their children’s futures.  Some of the questions on the document we had to answer were:

“What values do you want instilled into your children?”

“What special holidays or observances would you like them to participate in?

“How would you like your children to be disciplined?”   (I had a whole list of books & theories for this question when, perhaps, the words “lovingly” and “just” would suffice.)

“What community or extracurricular activities would you like your children to be involved in?”

“What people do you want to be a part of your child’s life?”

It was a bit overwhelming to answer these questions because it really hit home what an enormous responsibility and commitment parenting is.  My husband and I found ourselves exploring topics such as “How are we doing raising our children?” and “What kind of legacy do we want to leave for our children after we’re gone?” 

It was also very depressing to think about not being able to be there for our kids when they need us the most.  I automatically equated the way I was feeling to how an expectant parent or birth parent might feel when choosing to make an adoption plan for their child and trying to decide what kind of a family or person to entrust with the sacred responsibility of raising their child.  What an incredible sense of loss and a huge relinquishment of control!  I saw the following quote last year and it helped me to get a glimpse of what it might be like to be a birth parent:

I also thought of what it would be like to be a parent whose children are taken into state custody: Who would I want my child placed with?  Do I even have a say in the matter?  Or, I imagined what it would be like to be an unwed mother in the “olden days” of unethical and unregulated adoption practices who had their child taken from them against their will (I’m knocking on wood that most of those horror stories were in the past and don’t currently exist).  In either case, I would be in a state of utmost panic for the sake of my child:  Would my child’s new caregivers be able to give them the care they need?  If they have children, will they treat my child as well as they treat their own children?

Whether you are a birth parent/first parent reading this who grieves for the child you brought into this world but whom you aren’t raising, or perhaps you had your children taken away from you and placed in foster care or have had to, by necessity, have family members step in and raise your children, and may be shouldering burdens of resentment, guilt, or grief . . .  I think there are some feelings any parent can relate to- namely, It’s tough- [whether you had a say in where your child ended up or if it was against your will and personal choice]- not to be able to raise your children the way you want- or perhaps, by whom you want.  It takes an extreme amount of trust that there are other people out there who have enough love in their hearts and room in their homes (and resources- because raising children isn’t cheap!) to commit to raising a child.

It is also a helpful reminder to those of us raising children who weren't ours to begin with to be mindful of their first families.

Reflections on Instant Family

I finally got around to seeing Instant Family and I thought it was a good blend of accuracy and humor in portraying what foster-adoptive families experience.

Rather than give a complete plot summary, here are some scenes and themes I’d like to share which stood out to me in particular, as someone who has fostered and adopted children through the foster care system:

Fantasy Children vs. Reality Children- In a training class prior to becoming licensed foster care providers, members of the class were asked to do an exercise in which they drew their “fantasy” children on a chalkboard.  The social workers teaching the class instructed the foster parents in training to immediately erase their envisioned fantasy children and to prepare themselves for whatever comes next.

I think the theme of expectations versus reality is a universal one that almost anyone can relate to.  Sometimes the most difficult thing to do in life is to let go of our expectations, relinquish any perceived control of how we think things should turn out and accept- or make the best out of- what actually comes our way.

When applying the concept of control and predictability to fostering, I think many foster families or pre-adoptive couples may be set on only fostering or adopting children who are a certain age or gender (Or in the case of the movie’s character October, are looking specifically for a black, male, athletically inclined child who can get a full football scholarship, reminiscent of The Blindside).  It can be difficult to try to broaden preferences at the risk of getting out of one’s comfort zone and venturing into the unfamiliar.  However, Pete & Ellie did just that as they inquired about a teenager available for adoption- something Ellie initially openly verbalized against doing.

Foster Parents Supporting Each Other- The best source of support is someone who has been through the same thing or been in a similar situation; Therefore, I think that the best source of support and understanding for foster parents are other foster parents! 

Throughout the movie, Pete & Ellie meet in an adoption support group with other couples and individuals.  Although each couple’s reasons for wanting to pursue foster adoption was unique: some felt “called”, others were struggling with infertility, another couple was gay and thus couldn’t procreate, they all shared the desire to welcome children into their families.  It was humorous when the gay couple commented something to the effect of, “We’ve been trying to conceive for years with no success!”

I was particularly touched in one scene towards the end of the movie as the adoptive families had shared their personal struggles with each other and got to know each other better, when the gay couple announced to the group that their upcoming adoption would be official and the first people to go up and hug them was a conservative Christian couple, whom at the beginning of the training, showed through their body language, disapproval or discomfort about the gay couple adopting.

Once we take the time to get to know each other, it becomes evident that we all have more in common than we don’t have in common.

The Honeymoon Period- Speaking of holding on to a sense of “control” or predictability, I think some parents are under the false impression that if kids are well-behaved or turn out all right, then it is a direct reflection on their competency as a parent or caretaker.  Wrong! 

Pete & Ellie entered one of their support meetings with an attitude of “Hey- We have this under control- the kids aren’t acting out.  Things aren’t so bad!” and the other more experienced foster parents in the room were laughing or had smirks on their faces because likely, they had experienced the phenomenon referred to as “The honeymoon period” in which everything seems peachy-dandy with a placement.  The reality, however, is that a foster child’s behavior has less to do with structure and discipline of the home or parenting style, but everything to do with a mode of survival. 

Most people would think ‘It’s great that these kids aren’t acting out!” and admittedly, that is much easier than the alternative and it makes for a much more peaceful environment.  But it’s actually when the child starts acting out that they feel safe enough to do so.       

  

I recall the shock my husband and I went through when the honeymoon period ended with our first placement, who was typically a delightful preschooler.  When, after about three weeks of being in our home, he started being less delightful and talking back and complaining, we were worried.  I believe it was another more experienced foster parent that explained to us, even though it was hard, “That’s actually a good thing- he feels safe enough to be himself without the fear of any harsh consequences!”

Parentification- It was obvious that Lizzie, the oldest child of the sibling group Pete & Ellie were fostering, had taken upon herself the role of “parent” to her younger brother and sister, Juan and Lita.  It was interesting to observe the struggle it was for Lizzie to give up that parenting role and let her foster parents take over, especially when she knew her siblings better than Pete & Ellie did.  Equally of interest to observe was the conflict of loyalty Ellie felt with letting her foster mom be a “mother” to her without somehow betraying her own mother.

Ongoing Struggles with Adopted Children- I was very touched by the guest speaker the social workers invited to speak at one of the trainings the adoptive couples went through at the beginning of their training.  Brenda was an articulate and inspiring young woman who had a history of neglect and abuse, including being traded to her mom’s drug dealers for drugs, if I remember correctly. 

Brenda was accompanied to the meeting by her adoptive parents and spoke to the class about what it meant to her to be adopted as a teenager after spending years in foster care.  This young woman was so inspiring and I think that sometimes adoptive parents are under the impression that ‘There’s nothing LOVE can’t fix!” and that once a child is adopted it’s going to be the beginning of happily ever after.  The reality is that adoption does not erase the early experiences and traumas that a child had been through.  Neither will adoption erase a child’s genetics or predispositions. 

Later in the movie when Pete & Ellie are going through a rough patch with their teenage foster daughter, Lizzie, they seek out Brenda’s adoptive parents for some hopeful advice and direction. It was heartbreaking to hear Brenda’s adoptive mom share that her daughter was back in rehab when Ellie asks where she is. But I loved the mom’s retort to Ellie’s disappointment (the slap in the face was unexpected and humorous as well)!  Like a protective and loving Mama Bear, Brenda’s mom says something to the effect of “But look at where she came from and how far she’s come!”  A great reminder that unless we’ve been in someone else’s shoes we have no right to judge.  It’s also a good reminder that, as I mentioned earlier, no matter how stellar a parent is, adoption does not erase a child’s predispositions or former traumas.  This can be particularly frightening to accept when a baby or child is born addicted or exposed to drugs as addiction has such a strong genetic component, as well as when there is severe mental illness on one or both sides of a child’s family lines.

Conflicting Feelings About Birthparents- This is such a real struggle for foster parents!  Honestly, it’s one of the hardest things, other than the grief of reunifications, that I’ve had to deal with while fostering. 

At one point in the movie’s storyline, foster mother Ellie says to her husband, “She looks so normal.” regarding their foster children’s mother when they meet for a visit.  Ellie recognizes that their mom is just that- a mom who loves her children.  Yet it’s hard to think of someone who would endanger their children as “normal” or sometimes, even deem them worthy of having a relationship with their children.  After all, this woman set the children’s home on fire from a lit crack pipe!

But behind someone’s criminal history or case file is a person.  It’s harder to judge someone when you look them in the eyes and meet them in person.  I also think it was telling that the children’s biological mother was also a product of the foster care system as one of the caseworkers remarked, “She never learned how to appropriately care for her children.”

In another support group meeting Rose confesses to feeling guilty for wanting her kid’s biological mother to fail- especially after all of the work she and her husband have gone through to care for these children and open up their home to them.  I’ve been there and have felt guilty for thinking the exact same thing.  It’s such a difficult task as a foster parent to recognize that family preservation is the goal while also noting, “Look at what these kids have been through and look at the life we could give them!”

Overall, I would highly recommend the movie Instant Family to anyone over 13 (the PG-13 rating was appropriate) and I am grateful that the director chose to draw on his life’s experiences to highlight the crucial, yet often overlooked issues of fostering and foster care adoption.

ReMoved#3- Love is Never Wasted

Nathanael Matanick has done it once again!  I watched ReMoved 3 yesterday and was particularly impressed with the grief portrayed by the little boy, his mother, and the foster mother.*

I also appreciated the portrayal of the complexities of differing opinions family members have when considering opening up your home to a foster placement as well as the positive and negative affects a child could have on other children in the home.

Other observations: 8:10 killed me!

I remember in one training, our trainer pointed out that even though a child may come to your home in clothes wreaking of smoke or other not-so-pleasant odors and substances, or they may have a tattered blanket or raggedy stuffed animal which they can't seem to part with, it is imperative that foster parents are mindful that these items may be the only "connection" to home that these children may have.  Scent, in particular, is very evocative of memories and people.  What could be an innocent and well-meaning attempt by a foster parent to simply sanitize an item or piece of clothing could, in reality, "erase" the comfortable and familiar scent a child has of his home and caregivers.

* Skip this next paragraph if you don't want a possible spoiler:

I was curious to know just how long this little boy stayed with his foster family.  I was totally surprised and touched at 15:40 because I figured the foster mom was a relative rather than a "stranger" who showed she cared.

The world needs more people who show they care!

Adoption: Heartbreak and Hope

Over the past year or so I’ve considered myself lucky if I’m able to write even one post a month on this blog.  Since there’s a few weeks remaining of November, here is my somewhat obligatory post during National Adoption Month.

Adoption has undoubtedly been a huge blessing in my life, but it’s not always necessarily a sunny subject.  I think the complexity lies within the fact that I am the beneficiary of somebody else’s grief and loss. 

I came across this quote this year and I was impressed with how many big and complicated feelings of mine it so accurately and succinctly addressed in just one sentence:

                                                  

                Mother’s Day is a bittersweet day for me for that exact reason- I am vividly reminded that I am not the only mother my children have and I feel a bit of guilt as well as awe that I am the mother who gets to raise them.  Mother’s Day also brings up pangs of sorrow and memories of the years of alienation of being a childless woman.  Seven years actually goes by fairly quickly in retrospect, but when you’re in the middle of it, waiting seems like forever.

                When I take myself and my feelings out of the equation and consider my children and their feelings about being adopted and any issues they will deal with concerning their identity and history, I can’t help but acknowledge that as loving and stable as our home is, my children lost their first families and are the only ones in the adoption triad who had absolutely no choice in the matter of being placed with our family.   I can only wonder if this will bring up anger, sorrow, or resentment for them in the future.

My pre-school aged daughter (our youngest child) has been bringing up her birth mother quite a bit this year.  Incidentally, I remember the pre-school years as being a very pivotal time for our oldest daughter to bring up questions about babies in tummies in general and specifically about her adoption and her birth mother.  I know of an LCSW who has counseled a lot of children currently in foster care or adopted from foster care and she has observed that other common ages for children to bring up questions or have issues with their first families and their identities is 9 years old and 14 years old- I thought that was interesting.

My oldest daughter expressed sadness and disappointment to me when she was a preschooler, about not being able to come from my tummy.  Fast forward six years and I had a deja vu moment when my youngest daughter was playing with her dolls (or doing some activity that made her think of babies) and she commented to me something to the effect of, “Remember when I was in your tummy?”  I had to gently remind her that she never came from my tummy.  It was so interesting for me to see two totally different reactions to the same information.  Our youngest daughter immediately became angry rather than sorrowful, as our oldest daughter did.

This year my youngest daughter seems to be trying to reconstruct her story- and not always with accuracy. I listened to her one night recount a short narrative: “My ‘other’ mom was really nice and would always feed me bottles in this house when she used to live here.”  I had to bite my tongue and was thinking to myself, “The caseworker would have to prod your ‘other’ mother to pick up her newborn baby during her supervised visits!”  Of course, I didn't say that out loud, but kept my thoughts to myself.   Then I reminded my little girl that her “other” mother never lived in our house and that I picked her up from the hospital and brought her home a couple of days after she was born.   

It’s hard to give specific answers to the question of “why?” when my kids ask about why they don’t live with their first families.  Each situation has different backgrounds but we always make it a point to let our kids know that even though they are not with their birth mothers, they are loved by them very much.  I want them to know, more than anything, that their adoptions are in no way equated with abandonment or rejection, but rather, born of great love. 

It’s a little more awkward trying to explain things to my youngest two who are birth siblings.  I try to be as age-appropriate as possible and use the word “sick” (as in having an illness) to describe why their first mother wasn’t able to care for them rather than using the word “addiction”.  As they get older I can give more details as appropriate.

My little boy, now in kindergarten, hasn’t seemed to bring up adoption as much as his sisters do.  I don’t know whether that’s because he doesn’t think about it as much or just because he doesn’t verbalize it.  I did have an experience with him recently where I was cuddling with him- at his request- and I couldn’t help but think that we were making up for lost time bonding with each other since, unlike his sisters,  I missed out on the first year of his life.  I honestly don't know the extent to what he went through in his early life. "I wish I could have been there for him from the very beginning." I thought to myself.  Although it was a tender moment it also brought up some disappointment and a little bit of anger inside of me.  Such is adoption- beautiful and miraculous while heartbreaking at the same time.

How Do You Know When You're "Done" Fostering?

The last week of summer which morphed into the first week of school, we watched a six-month-old baby boy in our home for a foster family who went out of town.  I was actually surprised that our RFC called to ask us about watching a baby because we've gotten rid of most of our baby things and I had to borrow a Pack-N-Play so that the baby would have somewhere to sleep.

 It was a lot of fun for our kids to have a baby in the house to dote upon, but I'm starting to feel too old for middle of the night teething and feedings and lugging car seats around.  In fact, when I got information from the baby's foster mom, including visitation times and locations, I realized that I'm literally old enough to be this baby's grandma as his mother is certainly young enough to be my daughter.  It's not that I necessarily consider myself to be "old" in my 40's- I'm just not "young" anymore and I think since I have younger children people assume that I'm younger than I am.

 During a middle of the night feeding, I calculated (with the help of this blog) that this is the 20^th foster child to come into our home and the 11^th baby.   This caused me to do a lot of reflecting and I found myself asking, "Am I done yet?"  "Do we keep fostering?"  I wasn't sure if I was asking myself or asking God- or perhaps both, but those were the questions on my mind.

Some additional questions helped me to come up with some answers, or at least to fine-tune how I felt about things:

"What was your purpose or motivation for fostering in the first place?" 

"Do you still have room in your home?" 

"Do you still have the energy and health?"  

"Do you still have the same passion for fostering as when you first                              started?"  

As for motivation or purpose, some people foster to adopt and others foster simply to foster- because they know there is the need and they want to help children.  Both are worthy purposes.  In our case, we felt "the call" to open up our home to children not knowing what the end result would be but hoping it might end in adoption.  We ending up being able to adopt a sibling group placement after nine years of fostering.  And after that miraculous adoption was finalized it was a very tempting possibility for us to say, "Okay- we're done.  Someone else can take a turn now."  But something kept us from closing our license.  Maybe it's just because when you've done something for so long it becomes a part of you or maybe it's because we know all too well that there is a shortage of good foster homes.  

As for the answers to the other questions: "Do you still have the room?"  Some families may have the desire to foster or to keep fostering but they can't because there literally isn't room- they are filled to capacity for their license or they don't have the space for a child.  As for our home, it might be a little crowded but we can make room for one or maybe two more children.  "Do you still have the energy and health and motivation?"  Hmmm- that's debatable and not anything necessarily new to consider as both my physical health and motivation wax and wane.  I think at this point in time my biggest concern is "How will bringing more children into our home affect the children already in my home?"  

I think, for the most part, having other children come into our come has been an enriching experience for my children.  But I also know that I need to meet my own children's needs before I meet the needs of any other children- that's where my first responsibility lies.  And even though I have "just" three kids (because I'm aware there are much larger families out there!) giving each of them the individualized attention they need and chauffeuring them to lessons and practices and appointments keeps us busy enough.

Unfortunately, I still don't have a definite answer to the question of "Am I done yet?"  "Do we keep fostering?" but we did decide after our last respite placement that we will no longer be fostering babies.  If we do decide to keep our license open for another year we will be focusing on older children (at least school-aged) or respite placements.  In the meantime, I'll be focusing my efforts on our three children and graduate school and my internship and trying to find some occasional time to volunteer in my children's classrooms.  I think that's plenty to keep me busy for now.  

Reuniting Families and Fostering Immigrant Children

I expressed my concerns over migrant children being separated from their parents at the U.S. border in my last post, but I guess I'm not done because I have a few more concerns:

Concern #1: How are all of the children who have been separated from their parents going to be reunited with them?

June 20th's Executive Order will put a stop to separating families at the border but how will all of the families who have been separated be "put back together"?  It is my understanding that the U.S. government does not have any concrete plans to reunite these families.  However, I was pleased to learn that some businesses are taking a stand to prevent further separations:

-United Airlines, American Airlines, and Frontier Airlines are refusing to transport babies and children ripped from their parents; you can read about it HERE

And one business, My Heritage, is providing free DNA tests to help reunite separated migrant children with their parents.

It's refreshing to hear about businesses, organizations, and people making proactive efforts to reunite families, especially when there is so much heartache and debate surrounding this issue.  Maybe I need to take a break from watching the news or getting on social media- which leads me to my next concern:

Concern #2- Can we please stop politicizing children and come together regardless of our political party affiliation or loyalties and seek solutions for these children? 

I see the wisdom in Governor John Kasish's recent statement when he said, "This is a humanitarian crisis, so let's put politics aside, bring everyone to the table, and craft a real way forward."

I am not only concerned, but disturbed when people are more concerned about proving which administration's policy "created" the problem in the first place, rather than coming together to create solutions for these displaced children.  I think a good question for anybody who feels passionately about this crisis, including myself, should ask themselves is, "Where is my passion/anger/outrage coming from?  Am I more concerned about proving that I'm "right" or am I actively seeking solutions for displaced children or secure borders? (or whatever your biggest personal concern happens to be.)  

Perhaps I'm too idealistic or moderate, but I, for one, don't believe it's simply a dichotomy of "safe borders" versus "humane treatment for immigrants".  Both are valid concerns and not mutually exclusive.  Historically, administrations from both major U.S. political parties have enacted legislation to solve these problems.  Sometimes the legislation has been effective and other times it has created unintended consequences and more problems.

Some examples of major immigration legislation include the Flores Settlement Law, signed by Bill Clinton in 1997, which required unaccompanied minors who arrive in the U.S. to be released to their parents, a legal guardian, or an adult relative.  If there are no relatives available then a government agency appoints an appropriate adult to look after the child.  Although that particular legislation related to unaccompanied minors (versus minors traveling with family) such legislation focused on "family first".

In 2008 George Bush signed an anti-trafficking statute, The William Wilberforce Trafficking Victims Protection, which required unaccompanied minors to be transferred out of immigration centers within 72 hours.  The purpose of this bill was to protect immigrant children being brought over to the United States by sex traffickers and to provide such children a full immigration hearing (to decide if the child qualified for asylum or not).  As worthy and needful as this legislation was, it actually backfired and caused an increase in unaccompanied immigrant children from Central America (notably Guatemala, Honduras, and El Salvador where poverty and gang violence and crime are rampant).  This is because immigration cases are so backlogged that it could take years for a case to be heard.  In the meantime, these minors would be in limbo in the U.S.  

Fast forward to 2014 when Barack Obama tried to keep families together who crossed the border illegally into special "family detention centers".  This was a worthwhile goal but the unintended consequence was that it violated the policy of keeping children out of jail-like settings (even if they are with their parents).  A federal judge made the ruling and as a consequence, families were released into the United States pending notification of their immigration hearings.   This began the immigration policy sometimes referred to as "Catch and Release."

I use these examples to show that if one asks the question "Whose fault is this- the Republicans or  the Democrats?" you will not get a simple answer.  It's much more multi-faceted.  Both parties, under different administrations, have tried their best to deal with immigration and detention issues.  My hope is that policy makers can look into bipartisan and evidence-based practices in an attempt to discover what has worked and what has backfired and what policies or legislation will cause the least harm to children and families.

Concern #3- Reunification of displaced children and their families should take priority over adoption.

 The catchphrase and hashtag for advocates of not separating families at the U.S border is "Families Belong Together."

I am pro-family reunification IF it is in the child's best interest.  I am also pro-adoption provided it is done ethically.*

I've heard comments and concerns from those both within and outside of the foster and adoption community about how to go about fostering or possibly adopting an undocumented child (with parents or unaccompanied).  I have inserted myself into at least one of these conversations with the same information I shared back in this post:

 Which leads me to the question of:  What happens to children who are separated from their families at the border?

If I'm understanding the process correctly, These children are placed into the custody of the Department of Health and Human Services (HHS) who then turns them over to their Office of Refugee Resettlement whose job is to place " unaccompanied alien children" in the "least restrictive setting that is in the best interests of the child." while the parents of the children await prosecution of federal misdemeanor charges or until they can be united with a relative or placed in a foster home.  ORR has shelters throughout the United States which are run by non-profit organizations.  

  

  Each state has different ways of handling things but in my state the largest agency which places refugee children into foster care does so only after an extensive search for relatives has taken place- which could take years.  Because of this, most of the children available for placement are older rather than the babies and toddlers currently detained in "Tender Age Shelters"

  I'm aware of other agencies in states like Michigan, Texas, and California who place children in more of an emergency foster placement until family can be located.  And for any who are looking into fostering an unaccompanied alien child (I'm not a fan of the term "alien" but that's the legal term), here is a snippet of FAQ page from ORR:

Concerning ethical adoption practices and displaced children, I couldn't agree more with this statement made today from Chuck Johnson, CEO of National Council for Adoption, concerning Children Being Held at the Border:

"Children who are unaccompanied or have been separated from their parents or guardians at the U.S. border are not—nor should they be considered—candidates for adoption by American citizens. This is consistent with National Council For Adoption’s long-held position regarding the adoption of children in times of crisis, such as war, earthquakes, and other catastrophic natural or man-made disasters in which children are separated from their families.

"Adoption is only a possibility for children for whom parental rights have been terminated or for whom there is clear evidence that they are orphaned. Based on NCFA’s understanding of the status of these 2,000+ children, few, if any, meet these criteria. For those who would be eligible for adoption, there are a number of options that could provide them with permanent, family-based care. NCFA has always supported a continuum of child welfare outcomes that prioritizes (in order) family preservation, adoption by relatives, and domestic adoption in a child’s native country all before intercountry adoption options are considered. It is paramount that the identities of these children be clearly ascertained and who and where their parents are is verified.

"Our hearts are with these children and we hope that those involved in determining their futures will act with integrity, care, and compassion."

If YOU have experience advocating for or working with agencies that foster children from other countries please leave a comment or message me so that I can learn more as we seek for solutions for these vulnerable children!

 * In the event that anybody wants to leave a nasty comment or send me hate mail, save us both some time and read this first:

 I know there are anti-adoption/family preservation AT ALL COSTS critics who could make the argument, "But you've adopted- your kids didn't get to stay with their first families!"  To which I would reply, "Yes- I have adopted.  The birth mother of our oldest child went through an agency through her own free will and placed her child for adoption because it was important to her that her baby be raised in a family with a mom and a dad (among other things).  It was important to us that the agency we went through provided counseling to expectant parents considering adoption both pre- and post-placement.   

Our younger children were adopted through the foster care system after their mother relinquished her parental rights a year and a half after they were placed in our care.  During that year in a half they were in our care as foster children we supported the plan for reunification with their family and both biological parents were given more than one chance, with services provided, to get their children returned to their custody.

In addition to the children we have adopted who are no longer with their first families, we have been a resource to many other families (the majority of our foster children) in caring for their children while they work to get them back.

"Suffer the Children to come unto Me . . . Unless"

Some of the most heartbreaking experiences I have had as a foster parent are trying to comfort a newly placed foster child in my home as they cry out for their parents.  Nighttime is invariably the hardest time and intensifies the anxiety, confusion, grief, and trauma that these children experience as a result of being separated from their families through no fault of their own. 

If the child is old enough to ask “Why can’t I be with my parents?” or “When do I get to see mommy?” I can usually offer up a sufficient explanation since most of the children get to see their family at least once a week at supervised visits.  If the child's parent is in prison or jail or doesn’t show up to their scheduled visits, then it makes it much harder for me to offer up an explanation or appease the child.  In the case of babies and toddlers who aren’t verbal but are obviously distressed, sometimes all I can do is hold them as they cry, try to provide comfort, and just be with them in their grief.

I’ve observed that a common justification of Trump’s new Zero Tolerance Policy which has separated over 2,000 children from their families at the border since May 1, 2018 has been “Parents in the U.S. break the law every day and they get sent to jail.  Their kids go to family or are placed in foster care!” 

I have issues with this statement for a couple of reasons.  These are my concerns:

First, seeking asylum is not breaking the law, under 8 US 1158 Code.

   In order to apply for asylum through the United States Citizen and Immigration Services, you have to cross into the U.S. and THEN present yourself to an authority and start the application process.  Under the new Zero Tolerance Policy* children are separated from their family as their parents await their asylum hearing. 

Do some people cross our border and falsely apply for asylum even if they don’t meet the qualifications?  Certainly, but that’s precisely what immigration judges and hearings are for. 

I value keeping the law and keeping our borders secure, but under this new policy, asylum protections no longer exist for individuals fleeing their country (namely women and children) from domestic abuse or rampant gang violence EVEN IF they come to the U.S, at a legal entry point .   

Consider the words of a friend of a friend who does pro-bono asylum work as an attorney in Texas:  “There is not practically a legal route to come to immigration from many Central and South American countries.  The wait for unskilled persons from those countries is over 100 years long in some cases, so there is not, practically speaking, a way to immigrate legally.  Many of these immigrants being separated from their children are asylum seekers.  The legal process for seeking asylum in the US is that you show up here and then you apply, NOT application first and then immigration.  These immigrants are legal asylum seekers and they are being separated from their children while there asylum applications are processed, which can take years.  These people’s stories are devastatingly heartbreaking.  Rape.  Murder.  Gang and drug violence.  These people are risking everything to give their children a chance.”

Second,  My rebuttal to the “Parents in the U.S. break the law every day and they get sent to jail.  Their kids go to family or are sent to foster care!” argument is "Precisely- their kids go to family or are placed in foster care, they are NOT separated from their parents and sent to detention warehouses or tent cities."

As a foster parent and graduate student of social work, I am much more familiar with U.S. Child Welfare Policy than U.S. Immigration Law.  I’ve seen firsthand that even when a child is in a safe and loving foster home it is still traumatic for them to be separated from their parents.  The abundant research shows that kids do better psychologically and physically in the least restrictive, most “home-like” environment rather than an institution (and preferably with kin, if possible).  

          As for incarcerated parents, at least they can be kept abreast of where their children are and how they are doing.  If their child is placed in foster care and not in the care of relatives, they have the resources of caseworkers or legal counsel to give them updates about their children.  Even if they can’t afford a lawyer they can consult with a public defender about their rights and have due process in court hearings.

Third, children being separated from their parents under ANY CIRCUMSTANCE is of concern!

 Whether children are separated from their parents as a result of their parents fleeing the country and seeking asylum or illegally crossing the border or even being incarcerated or homeless, the children who are left behind deserve our compassion.  Period.    

Just as no child has a choice as to if they’re born into poverty or wealth, children are not responsible for the choices their parents make.  Unless it’s not in the best interest of a child, families deserve to be together.   Foster care is set up to reunify families and give them another chance to be together.   

As a foster parent it is not my job to make judgments about the parents of the children in my care (though it’s been a temptation I've succumbed to at times) but, rather, to love and care for these children as if they were my own until they can return to the care of their parents, if possible.  

When we got a call about a prospective placement we don’t base our willingness to care for the child based on if the parents have a clean background- in fact, the majority of the children who are placed in our home have come into state custody precisely because their parents need some extra help and resources and they don’t have a clean criminal record (most often because of drug charges and domestic violence issues).

   Children need to be cared for and nurtured regardless of their parent’s citizenship status or criminal record.   Jesus said, “Suffer the little children to come to me”  NOT “Suffer the children to come to me unless their parents have tried to cross the border illegally or only if their parents have documented citizenship or can provide for them or have spotless background checks, etc.”

Fourth, when a child is separated from their parents they can suffer both short-term and long-term effects which can alter their brain chemistry and potentially their ability to form healthy attachments later in life.

I don't have the time here to recount attachment studies or go into the details of how the brain and limbic system respond to trauma, but many parents who have adopted or cared for children coming from "hard places"- environments of abuse and neglect or institutions and orphanages- deal with the very real repercussions sometimes on a daily basis, as do the teachers, social workers, therapists, or medical professionals who work closely with these children and their parents.

  If anybody thinks that separating a child from their parents is "no big deal" because it happens all the time, I think you would feel much differently after doing everything in your power to try and comfort a crying child in the middle of the night when they've been removed from their family.  

*U.S. IMMIGRATION POLICY BACKGROUND/CLARIFICATION- I am sharing these facts and sources courtesy of Michelle Martin who is a PhD and policy specialist from Cal State Fullerton: 

-The policy to separate parents and children is new and was instituted on 4/6/2018.  It was the brainchild of John Kelly and Stephen Miller to serve as a deterrent for undocumented immigration, approved by Trump, and adopted by A.G. Sessions.  Prior administrations detained migrant families, but didn’t have a practice of forcibly separating parents from their children unless the adults were deemed unfit.  https://www.justice.gov/.../pres.../file/1049751/download...

- In 1996, President Clinton passed the Illegal Immigration Reform and Immigrant Responsibility Act, which made unauthorized entry into the US a crime (typically a misdemeanor for first-time offenders) but under both Republicans and Democrats, these cases were handled through civil deportation proceedings, NOT criminal proceeding, WHICH DID NOT REQUIRE SEPARATION.  And again, even in cases where detainment was required, FAMILIES WERE ALWAYS KEPT TOGETHER IN FAMILY RESIDENTIAL CENTERS UNLESS the parents were deemed unfit.