Problems & Possible Legislative Solutions to the U.S. Foster Care System & Adoptions

The last time I wrote about the Adoption Tax Credit was about five years ago.  I will be mentioning it again since last week I got word that the Adoption Tax Credit was at risk of being abolished under the proposed Republican Tax Reform.  I was happy to learn (just last night) that because of feedback and advocacy, the credit will now be staying!

Sometimes as a foster parent I feel like I have very little power in actually implementing real change in the foster care system.  After all, I'm not in a position of influence and lasting change often requires funding and legislation.  

I thought it was timely that last month in one of my graduate Social Work courses I had a short assignment following the completion of reading the textbook chapter on child welfare issues in which I was to answer the question,

"Identify three problems with the current children, youth, and family service delivery system.  What are some possible solutions?"

"Just three?" was my first thought. 😜 Before I even started reading my textbook chapter the first thought/pet peeve that came to my mind was: "I hate it when the best interest of children gets overlooked because the rights of bio family takes precedence!"  Which got me thinking, "What could change or what has worked in the past to solve this problem?"  Enacted time limits for the amount of time children stay in foster care so that they can have permanency is something that has worked- in theory at least.

Another possible solution for making sure that the best interest of children in foster care are met could be more involvement on the parts of their guardian ad liteums.  In over a decade of fostering I have only had two GALs make home visits on behalf of the children in my care.  And I don't think it's that GALs don't want to be involved, but it's probably the same principal with caseworkers: they have too large of a caseload to devote the individual time they would like to each case.  That is why I love hearing about CASA volunteers- Court Appointed Special Advocates.

Another problem with foster care that came to my mind is simply too few foster homes available.  But how does one solve that problem?  Awareness can be spread, but fostering is hard and is not for everyone, so I don't think anyone should become a foster parent out of guilt.

As for adopting from foster care, I know that the affordability is a big incentive and factor for families.  This goes back to the Adoption Tax Credit, which I mentioned at the beginning of this post.  If a family is going to bring another child into their home (or more than one child at a time in the case of sibling groups) that's KIND OF A BIG DEAL!  Especially if there is a high probability that the child will have special needs which can be time-consuming and expensive.  I know that when my husband and I were first exploring fostering or adopting from foster care, learning that adoption subsidies could be available and that insurance for the child would be provided through Medicaid came as a relief to us financially- especially when we debated whether or not to accept sibling groups as a foster adopt placement or to inquire on sibling groups who were already legally free for adoption.

Those are just a few of my thoughts about changes to the children, youth, and family service delivery system.  As for my school assignment, I tended to focus on specific acts of legislation enacted to deal with some of the problems that have and still exist in the foster care system which were specifically mentioned in my text:

Reading Response 3

Three problems with the current children, youth, and family service delivery system are: intervention when it is too late, children aging out of the foster care system with no permanency, and the overrepresentation of children of color who are placed in foster care and remain in foster care longer than white children.

Most interventions for families occur after the problems have occurred, so the services are residual in nature rather than preventative.  One solution to this is a focus on in-home services which deliver services to families before children have to be placed in foster care.  These services are also much less costly than have a child in an out-of-home setting.  The good news is that studies show that children who receive in-home services have lower rates of PTSD symptoms than children placed in substitute care.  (Ambrosino, p.348) The bad news is that research shows that any short-term gains achieved by in-home service don’t persist over time.

Each year 20,000 youth “age out” of foster care when they turn 17 or 18 because they are unable to return to the care of their parents and are not adopted.  Youth who age out of foster care are at a greater risk for substance abuse problems, homelessness, incarceration, teen pregnancy and even sex trafficking.  One of the solutions to this problem is child welfare advocates pushing for the age of when children are forced to leave foster care from 17 or 18 to 21 years old.  In 1986, PL 96-272 established the Independent Living Program which provided funding for states to strengthen services to youth 16 and older who either were in or had been in the foster care system. Another specific piece of legislation which was intended to help youth who leave foster care get extra support including access to health care, life skills training, housing assistance, and counseling was the Foster Care Independence Act, passed in 1999.

       Because African American children are more likely than white children to be placed in and remain in foster care, Congress passed the Multiethnic Placement Act in 1994 (Ambrosino, p. 365) which prevents children from being denied being placed with a foster or adoptive home solely on the basis of race, color, or national origin of either the child or the foster adoptive parent.  Other foster and adoption agencies have implemented special outreach programs to African American and Latino communities in an effort to recruit adoptive parents.

ANY FOSTER PARENTS, SOCIAL WORKERS, CHILD WELFARE ADVOCATES, CASAs, GALs or  especially CURRENT OR FORMER FOSTER CHILDREN READING THIS:  Is there anything else you would add to the list?  What do you see as the biggest problem or problems within the child welfare system?  And what are some possible solutions?

Reflections on the Movie "Lion"

I finally saw the movie "Lion" over the weekend (it's on Redbox) and I highly recommend it.

Here are some of my impressions of the movie:

-There are far too many children all over the world without families.  Poverty plays a huge role in why children become orphaned, as does education.  In the true story behind Lion, Saroo is a young Indian boy who tragically becomes lost and permanently separated from his mother.  Saroo has no choice but to live on the streets.  Saroo's mother cannot read or write and makes a living carrying rocks.  I mention this fact not because it has to do with the cause or reason that they were separated but to illustrate how education and poverty are intertwined and also to give an idea of Saroo's early environment.

- Homeless children- whether from a characteristically impoverished nation or those who age out of foster care in the United States- are at alarmingly high risks for human trafficking.  This is extremely upsetting.

-At the close of the movie Lion, there was a website referenced- http://lionmovie.com/#charity- which  addresses organizations in India working to help missing children.  There was also a staggering statistic cited that over 80,000 children in India go missing each year.  Mind blowing!

-Another organization I have been following over the past couple of years which seeks to combat and rescue child trafficking victims around the world is Operation Underground Railroad.

-One of the most moving lines in the movie is when Saroo tells his mother something to the effect of

"You didn't just adopt us, but our past as well."  Saroo's parents adopt him and later another little boy from India.  I can imagine that adopting an older child would present challenges for any family, but adopting an older child who is coming from a completely different culture and speaks a different language would present some additional challenges for everyone.

SPOILER ALERT (for anyone who has not yet seen the movie): Saroo grew up in India, but was adopted by an Australian couple and grew up in Tasmania.  As a young adult, Saroo struggles with his identity and history and with the aid of modern technology and his own detective work, he eventually makes a remarkable journey to find his birth mother.

-I was relieved and touched by the way Saroo's mother and his first mother respected each other's roles in Saroo's life.

-One of the things that keeps Saroo from telling his adoptive mother about his quest to find his birth family is that he is afraid she will feel hurt or betrayed by his decision.  In short, he has what some might call "divided loyalties" between respecting the family who raised him and a yearning to understand where he came from.  [Refer to Adoptee Grief, Loss, and Identity under Seven Core Issues in Adoption charts.]

-When Saroo's mother hears of his intents to find his first mother her mature reply is (something to the effect of) "I hope you find her and she sees how beautiful you have become."

-After a miraculous and joyful reunion with his first mother Saroo informs his family that his first mother is grateful to them for raising him and she recognizes that, although he didn't start out with him, they are his family.

-I was so touched by the actual footage at the end of the movie of Saroo going back to India, this time accompanied by his mom, and she is able to meet her son's first mother for the first time.  "Sacred" is the most adequate word I can use of to describe such an encounter.

On another note, Nicole Kidman is the actress who plays Saroo's adoptive mom.  This is an interview with her about how the role as an adoptive mom to trans racial children mirrors her own life: https://www.theguardian.com/film/2017/jan/12/nicole-kidman-lion-adoption-love

And here's the official trailer for the movie:

Adoption Mommy Wars: International vs. Domestic, Newborn vs. Older Child, Foster Care vs. Private

Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas while my husband and I were out shopping, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t we just adopt a child from Syria?”  His statement was due, in large part, to the current and ongoing refugee crisis and a result of reading and viewing horrific news almost daily about families forced to flee their homelands for safety.  My husband obviously knows that there’s no such thing as “just” adopting, but he was expressing his solution to a need.

“It’s not that easy," I began, “to adopt a refugee child.”  I continued to share what I have learned over the past couple of years on the topic:

‘It’s actually against U.N. Regulations to adopt refugee children from many countries because there has to be proof that no relatives exist.  That is a process which could take years.”

I continued, “The purpose of fostering unaccompanied refugee minors, however, is not to adopt but to help the youth adjust to a new culture, learn the language, and basically learn whatever skills are necessary for them to live independently as an adult.”

I purposely stressed the word “fostering” because providing refugee foster care is a topic I have discussed with my husband on more than one occasion over the past couple of years.  More than once I have contacted the director of an agency in my state which contracts with Catholic Community Services to provide foster homes for unaccompanied refugee minors.  I grilled the director with many questions about the requirements and training process to become a foster home and even the backgrounds of the youth who are available to foster.  This director was gracious and more than happy to answer all of my questions.

After much discussion, my husband and I decided that although fostering unaccompanied refugee minors is something that we would like to do in the future, for various reasons the timing is not right for our family right now.

My husband became angry after my response about not being able to adopt refugee children so easily.  He wasn’t angry at me, mind you, but at the inequality which some people (namely refugees and orphans) must face.  He retorted with a rhetorical question: “Then what good is it for a child to languish in an impoverished camp when there are homes who are more than willing to take them in?!”  Sometimes I wish more people were like my husband- when he sees someone in need or marginalized in some way he becomes very driven to make the situation fair.   

It was ironic that the month my husband and I had our aforementioned discussion was December- Christmastime- and there was also a feature story in Time Magazine about the lives of four different babies born in the war-torn region of Syria.  There will be further issues which follow up on how each baby and their families are faring.

Below is one of the covers of the magazine and I specifically remember that as I saw the picture I couldn’t help but think about another little baby boy from the Middle East wrapped in swaddling clothes over 2,000 years ago whose family was turned away because there was “no room in the inn.”

Doubtless there may be some reading this post who are thinking, “But why are you worried about children from across the world when there are hundreds of thousands of children right here in the U.S. foster care system who need homes?”  This brings me to an observation I’ve made about some members of the fostering/adoption/orphan care community (and I have to admit, I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself at times):

I've noticed that sometimes people feel so passionately about a cause that they assume everyone should feel the same way- or perhaps they feel that a cause they are drawn to should take precedence over other similar causes. Of course this happens in a very general sense with a variety of issues but what I’m talking about specifically is those who have fostered or adopted from foster care and feel that their route to helping children or adopting is more noble or worthy than, say, a private domestic adoption.  Or those who are so concerned about orphans around the world that they push for international adoption but don’t focus on foster care adoption.  Which cause is “right” or "wrong”?  

In my opinion, anytime someone feels inspired to help another human being [especially children- who are the most vulnerable of humans] then it is a worthy cause.  Period.   Therefore, domestic adoption is right.  International adoption is right and worthy.  Foster care adoption is a right and worthy pursuit as well.  It’s not a contest or debate between which cause is worthiest or which way is best.  I do, however, feel strongly that certain individuals feel “called” to very specific types of adoption based, among other things, on what is best suited for their family.  Allow me to share an example:

I have a friend who is a mother to six children- more than one of her children has special needs (including Down Syndrome) and two of her children were adopted.  This friend, Rebecca, has become a huge advocate not only for adoption but for special needs adoption because of her family’s experiences.  I might add, her adopted children are a different race than her biological children so she’s well versed in the complexities of inter-racial adoption issues as well. I was delighted to learn that Rebecca is in the process of adopting an older child with special needs from China.

A major motivation for Rebecca advocating for the adoption of special needs children in China is the realization that many of these kids with special needs (which covers a huge definition and range of circumstances) run the risk of aging out of their orphanages as young as 14 years old and then they are left to live in an institution.  If these same children were able to live in the United States or another country they could have access to so many services not available to them, not to mention they could live in a FAMILY rather than an institution for the remainder of their lives.

Back to the point of this example: Shortly after Rebecca publicly announced her family's plans to adopt from China (Rebecca’s sister is also in the process of adopting an older child from China- how neat is that?!) she answered a Frequently Asked Question because she has learned from her experiences that people are bound to make judgments.  Although I love Bek’s humor and frankness in answering the question, I also thought it was very sad that she even had to say anything explaining or "justifying" her family’s plans to adopt:

Q. Why China? Aren't there enough kids in America that need homes? (unspoken, and sometimes spoken- "that seems selfish").

A. (Unspoken, sometimes spoken). None of your business! Actually, as Mak and her family are learning, being an "out loud" family means questions or comments are part of the package. Teaching moments abound. Why China? I don't know. Really. One year ago I had never spent ten seconds thinking about China. Every family is different. For my family, that's where our kid was.

I don't know any family that goes into adoption without thinking long and hard about what works for them. It's pretty personal. I know some people who have always dreamed of adopting from there. I bought a bubble blower that I happened to hand to a boy. A few other factors for us is that we live in a place that has lots of mandarin speakers, restaurants and close friends who are Chinese. Our boy won't lack for people to help him transition. Our cousin lives in our apartment and is not only the best auntie around, she also speaks mandarin!

And.. there ARE lots of kids in our country that need homes. If you have seven hours I can have that conversation with you. Kids in our foster care system often have lots of trauma before they are available for adoption. Not everyone is equipped to parent that kind of need. And the very last thing that is good for kids is to have a placement disrupted because no one was properly prepared. So, if you are going to float that question with anyone (especially me) the first thing I will ask you is either how many kids from foster care that YOU are adopting or I will ask something very intimate about your sex life. Like a person’s sex life, choices on building a family belong only to the people involved. Mostly, people are curious. And that's ok! It's fun though to play around with the crunchy people.

I happen to feel very passionately about foster care.  There is such a need for good foster homes.  However, I would never pressure anyone into fostering because it’s hard work and it’s not for everyone.  But like I mentioned before, I have been guilty myself of judging others for not recognizing the need of providing children in the United States with temporary or permanent homes.   Allow me to share one example:

A couple years ago a dear friend of mine visited Africa as part of a humanitarian trip.  As part of the services rendered she was able to visit an orphanage.  She immediately fell in love with the children she saw, especially those with special needs who could benefit greatly from advanced medical care and early intervention services available in the U.S.  Before returning home from her trip she confided in me that, as crazy as it sounded, she wanted to bring home one of the babies from the orphanage to adopt- Literally.

Of course, when I heard of my friend's plans I was like, “Whoa, Nellie!  I know you have contacts over there, but what agency do you plan on going through?  Is it a Hague Accredited Agency?  Otherwise, you could legally run the risk of human trafficking regardless of how worthy your intentions might be.  Adoption isn’t a process like picking out a puppy from a pound and taking them home.  There is a LOT of paperwork involved, research, and how are you going to get a home study approved so fast and background checks for all members of your family?”

My friend is extremely compassionate so her desire to bring relief to the orphans she interacted with came as no surprise to me.  After all, who wouldn’t be moved to bring home a child from an orphanage after visiting, right?  It was the way my friend was approaching the situation, rather than her desire to help, that concerned me. And here’s where I started to feel somewhat judgmental towards my friend (because I’m human and not perfect).  I thought to myself, “If she wants to adopt a child or provide an environment and opportunities to a child that they would not have otherwise why is it that she has to go halfway around the world to do that?  There are literally over 100,000 children in the U.S foster care system legally freed for adoption who would benefit from being in her home and in her family.  Are these kids not exotic enough or special enough?”

Fortunately, I recognized that I was being judgmental and so I settled down and just left it at “That’s AWESOME that she had a life-changing experience.  She wants to make a difference.  Good for her!”  And, in case you’re wondering, she didn’t end up adopting an orphan but she does have additional humanitarian trips planned in her future because of her experiences.

My point in sharing these stories and experiences is that it really is rather silly to argue about which path to adoption is best or most needful.  Every family or individual’s decision to adopt is a very personal one.  It’s kind of like- [going back to the plight of refugees, as I first started off my post]- when I see people getting into heated political arguments about “Which is better- to use our tax money to support homeless veterans or to provide relief for refugees?”  My personal feelings is that it’s not an either/or situation- how about BOTH!

So the next time you hear someone expressing a view (or you find yourself expressing a viewpoint) about which is “better/more needful”- adopting a child from another country, adopting domestically, adopting an infant, or adopting an older child- perhaps we can remember that ALL of them are wonderful options!

Adoption Finalization is Just the Beginning

I have a dear friend and fellow foster mom who recently attended a Permanency Hearing for her foster children after having them in her care for a year now.  To say that my friend and her family have been on a constant year-long roller coaster ride would be an understatement.  You see, I think all fost-adopt cases where parental rights have not yet been terminated are bound to have twists and turns and a few surprises thrown in which can be especially hard to deal with if you’re someone who thrives on predictability and stability.  (I happen to be a big fan of predictability and stability, aren’t most people?)

 In my friend’s case, the stability factor- not just for her own family but for the precious children in her care- can, at best, be described as “non-existent” as her case is an ICWA case.  As I watched my friend struggle with mixed emotions surrounding the case it brought back a lot of memories for me of cases past, specifically:

• Wanting the birthparents to succeed but knowing, given their past histories, that it isn’t likely.
• Wanting more than anything for the children in my care to end up in the safest, most loving situation possible.
• Not knowing if these children are going to be a part of your family in the long run
• Preparing myself and family members for the grieving process in the case that reunification occurs
• Feeling resentful when birthparents who have been given ample time, resources, and opportunities to meet the requirements of their Service Plans put forth very little effort and yet, are given another extension.  (I am certain that, in my friend’s case, parental rights would have been terminated long ago but the only reason the parents have been given repeated multiple chances and extensions is because it is an ICWA case)
• Feeling heartbroken for the children in your care when their parents don’t show up (again) for another required visit
• Feeling resentful when YOU are the one left to comfort the child post-visits as they grieve, rage, or regress
• Feeling extremely concerned when the birthparents express hesitation/annoyance/doubt at having to sit through all 2 or 3 hours of a weekly visit when THESE ARE THEIR CHILDREN and these children will very likely be returning to their 24/7 full-time care in a matter of months!
• Worrying that there has not been an effective transitional period planned which not only benefits the children but their parents as well

I think you get the idea of how my friend’s concerns echoed many of my concerns in the past.  And if you’re a foster parent you’re most likely nodding your head in agreement because you’ve been there.

One might figure that once parental rights are terminated in cases such as these or when the adoption is finalized that it marks the “Happily Ever After” or “The End”.  Although there is much relief at TPR or Adoption Finalization I have discovered that in actuality, it is just “The Beginning” of a lifetime of continued commitment to a child.

Yes, it is nice not to have caseworkers regularly come to your home to see if the kids are okay.  Don’t get me wrong- although the purpose of required home visits is necessary to ensure the well-being of children, sometimes as a foster parent it can feel a bit intrusive or even accusatory like, “We need to make sure that you aren’t doing anything wrong in your parenting.” 

It’s also a relief when you don’t have to document every scrape or scratch your child gets for fear of allegations of investigations.  My rambunctious three year old, whom we adopted from foster care two years ago, recently took a nose-dive from our coffee table onto our floor.  As soon as I heard her crying out and her nose started swelling up I took her to Urgent Care.  While I was checking her in at the reception area I experienced a state of automatic, momentary panic and I thought to myself, “Whom do I need to call to report this injury?   What extra paperwork do I need to fill out?”  And then I remembered, “I don’t have to report this to anyone because she is MY child.  She is no longer in state custody.”  It’s funny how fostering for over a decade can alter your thinking.

Even when the doctor came in to examine my little girl and started asking, “So, how did this happen?”  I became somewhat nervous.  Was I being scrutinized?  When I explained that she is very active and she was just rough-housing he casually replied, “Injuries like this are pretty common.”  I was put at ease and realized that the doctor was just trying to do his job and get information and that yes, accidents do happen even in the presence of the most vigilant parents.  [Incidentally, I also learned that x-rays on a nose can’t be taken until 3-4 days after the swelling goes down to see if the nose is actually broken or if the septum has been pushed to the side.  In our case, we lucked out because it was just a very bad sprain.]

Dealing with birth parent visits, court hearings, home visits by caseworkers, and extra paperwork at medical and dental appointments are issues that I don’t have to worry about anymore since we adopted our two youngest children from foster care.  But that does not mean that the “work” is done or that the hard parts are completely over.  Rather, I have found that there is a continuation of work and dedication in meeting the needs and issues that my children and I will face.   

Judgments at the Grocery Store

I recently had a major surgery which required an extensive recovery period in which I was instructed not to lift (or push or pull) anything over ten pounds for six weeks afterwards.  This restriction was a bit challenging for me as a mother to a two year old and three year old whom are still dependent on me to lift them in and out of their car seats every time we go anywhere or in and out of shopping carts when we go shopping- not to mention that "Hold Me!" is a pretty common request from both of them as a form of affection.

 You can imagine how happy I was when I was finally given the clear from my doctor to be able to lift again, as expressed in this Facebook Status:

"Today is the first day in 6 weeks that I've been permitted to lift (or push or pull) anything over 10 pounds.  I'm most excited about scooping up my 2 year old and 3 year old into my arms WHENEVER I WANT- especially (not so hypothetically speaking) if my 2 year old should start throwing a tantrum at her sister's soccer game or in the middle of a very crowded grocery store because she wants me to hold her and I find myself attracting numerous, menacing "Why-doesn't-that-mean-lazy-mother-just-pick-up-her-poor-crying-child?!" glares from various onlookers."

I'm sure most parents have had moments when they either feel like they are being judged or they have been judged because of the behavior of their children- especially if a child's outburst happens to be in a very public, observable place.

I can think of another instance in a grocery store three or four years ago when I was with two of my foster sons and I attracted the stares of others because of a meltdown the older boy (just pre-school aged) was having.  I wanted so badly to be able to hold up a sign explaining, "Don't judge this little boy! He has every right to be hurting inside!"  You see, he had just returned from a weekly scheduled supervised visit with his mother at the DCFS building and his behavior typically escalated after such visits.  With this particular visit, however, it wasn't the interaction with his mom that led to his acting out.  Quite the contrary, it was because his mother didn't show up at all.  Although I was initially a little embarrassed by the stares we received because of Ty's meltdown I also figured, "This little boy has earned the right to rage.  Let it all out, Ty."  

A short time thereafter Ty was crushed again after another no-show visit- only this one happened to be on the day of his Third Birthday.  I remember really struggling with my anger when the caseworker informed me that his mom wouldn't be able to make it on today of all days because she was in jail.  "Couldn't she have just stayed sober for one day for this one visit of all visits?"  I thought.  Ty's caseworker was as equally disturbed as I was.  

People seldom know the whole story and yet they are so quick to jump to conclusions and make judgments.  That is why I wanted to applaud one brave and compassionate woman after reading in her Facebook status about how she defended a fellow foster mother from judgments in the check-out line at Wal-mart.  Although this status is a couple of years old and I have never actually met the woman who wrote it (credit goes to Lindsay Woodward Crapo- like I said, I don't know her personally but it turns out we have at least one mutual friend) I saw it recently shared and I think it's very appropriate to share it now:

WARNING; Insensitive people at the Walmart rant ahead.
Last night I found myself sandwiched in line waiting to check out, this is not an odd occurrence. The woman in front of me had 5 children she was wrangling ( which did not seem odd to me) , as well as the fact that the children were a mix of Caucasian and Hispanic short people.( again hmph...didn't notice until it was pointed out to me).
Yes, I said pointed out.
The people behind me as I wrestled my own whiny toddler, began very loudly whispering things like:
"How many baby daddies do you think she has?"
"Can't even dress those kids for weather."
"Just wait until she whips out the food stamps. "
I calmed my 3 year old with old Altoids found at the bottom of my purse and looked incredulously back at the well dressed, normal couple spouting such, well, total CRAP.

I looked forward to see a woman fumbling with separating clothes items; coats and shoes socks and underwear from the food items with the black plastic separators.

There five kids- two that shared her same blonde hair with jackets and warm shoes and three, beautifully dark haired and deep brown eyes, sad, eyes; wearing shorts, and flip flops.
It was true she was struggling with a food stamp card. Didn't know what buttons to use to complete the transaction.

As the class act behind me deeply sighed; and said "There's our tax dollars neatly at work."

I shot them what I can only imagine was the death glare only a mother of 9 can execute to perfection.

I stepped forward and kindly said, "Can I help?"
These things are so confusing.
She looked at me.
I quietly asked " Foster or Adopted?"
I have 9 kiddos...two bio, I get it, please let me help."

She smiled, embarrassed, "New Foster Mom, this is my first time using one of these, they came 3 days days ago, gonna be with us for a while.
They gave us food, but the kids needed clothes , but no stipend has come through yet.

I looked at the kids and smiled, and turned to her and said; "Beautiful children I am glad you all have each other. "

I showed her how to use her card as the jackholes behind us snorted.
I explained to her how she doesn't have to separate items and that the items get separated by the computer at check out and how she pays the balance after she runs her card.

She handed each child a new coat , loaded up her cart as she left I side hugged her and told her "you have got this."

After they were out of ear shot...I turned with tears to the smug well dressed man and woman behind me.

"Those children? They lost the right to live with their parents just days ago, those clothes? probably the only clothes they own, or got to leave their home with.
THAT woman? Opened her home to kids, kids that needed a safe place to go, when the one they lived in no longer proved safe enough or secure enough for them. The food stamps, something health and welfare helps an already mother to two feed three new mouths.
There are not nearly enough women or people like her this world."

I whipped back around and started slamming my groceries on the belt, and then turned back around...
Voice shaking.;
"AND even IF those kids were all hers, and she had a dozen "baby daddies" and was on food stamps..no child in this country or any other deserves to be cold or hungry, I am sorry, but your behavior? Poorly done, VERY poorly done."

My new 'friends' left my checkout aisle and joined another, silently.

I grabbed a bag of damn Peanut butter m&ms....
As I finished checking out the girl checking me out smiled and winked, "Single mother on WIC, what you said? Rocked!"

I grimaced and said "thanks,I wasn't sure I should have gone off like that...hug those babies of yours tight tonight. "

She said " I will, you have a nice night mam' and do the same."

I cried hard as I found my Tahoe, buckled the baby in the car, loaded up...and opened those damn m&m's.

You foster mama's out there...hold your heads high, you are the hands and hearts that are the strong and the steady for small ones when they need it most.
Hats off and so much love today to you.♡♥♡

Adrianne's Story from BraveLove

Here's a video from BraveLove about how one young woman, Adrianne, thought her life was over when she found out she was pregnant.  In fact, she had taken out a loan to get an abortion before she considered adoption as an option.

I thought Adrianne's comments about how her African American culture has historically viewed adoption were insightful.  My hope is that those in her situation will find strength as Adrianne continues to share her story.

As I watched this video one particular quality I appreciated about Adrianne is her ability to offer hope to others while at the same time being realistic about the loss that comes with adoption.  As she says "When you place a child for adoption that is a loss . . . I wish that a lot more African American young ladies would take this step.  It looks bleak right now and I know it's gonna hurt and I know it's gonna be hard but you're gonna be fine."

"To be a birthmother it takes a lot of heart and it takes a lot of strength.  It is one of the greatest things a parent could ever do is to place their child into the hands of someone else to honor and love and care for them.  It's about our children and once we get there we'll be all right." -Adrianne

That's pure unselfishness and bravery right there!

 
Adrianne's Story from BraveLove on Vimeo.

Demystifying Foster Care Infographic

 In an effort to spread awareness to encourage others to better support foster youth and people who care for them, Simmons College School of Social Work has produced this infographic:

Demystifying Foster Care, SocialWork@Simmons

I am familiar with many of the statistics of outcomes for foster youth such as homelessness, incarceration, and PTSD, but as a foster parent I was particularly interested in the "Profiles of Foster Families" section (and I immediately compared my family's demographics to other foster families.)

I also thought it was interesting to "morph" all of the demographic info into a profile representing the "average" child in foster care:

Any other thoughts on the infographic?

Positive Adoption Language Infographic

I came across this infographic today courtesy of United Methodist Communications and I couldn't help but share as I've certainly been frustrated in the past by certain terms people use when talking about adoption. 

The thing is- not everybody knows that a certain term might be hurtful- and that is why I liked this infographic so much- these are simply suggestions of what terms to use- "instead of this, say this" in order to avoid miscommunication with a brief explanation of WHY a specific term might send an unintended message.

In addition to the infographic, adoptive mother and pastor Angela Flanagan, shared more helpful hints about asking questions, making assumptions, and even touched on some of the challenges unique to adoptive families, and transracial adoptive families in particular, where adoption is obvious, including the following:

" Asking appropriate questions with healthy language of friends is very different from asking questions of perfect strangers. Before you ask or comment, consider what it might feel like to have your family questioned everywhere you go by people who you don’t know and what effect that has on the children. 

If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate or if you are using appropriate
language, please refrain, or at the very least, refrain while in front of
the children."

On a related note of shielding questions about an adopted child's history- especially when asked in front of the child, sometimes it's not just those who ask the questions that need to take a step back, but those who answer and provide information (because adoptive parents are human, too)!

This is something which I'm learning to find a balance with.  On the one hand I love educating people about foster care or how the adoption process works, and I'm glad to be able to share my experiences with them.  But on the other hand I realize "Just because I want to educate others and am happy to talk about my experiences doesn't necessarily mean I have to share every detail about my children's backgrounds with everyone who asks- especially when they ask in front of the children- because although my child's story is definitely a part of my story- it is ultimately their story to tell."

Choosing the Right Adoption Agency for You

In our journey to adopt the second time around, we've looked into many different agencies and situations.  One of the first things my husband and I do when researching adoption agencies or looking into available situations is to ask for a breakdown of fees.   Over the past couple of years I've come across a few situations from a particular agency in my state known for its costliness (among other things) and when I asked for a specific breakdown of fees I was ASTONISHED to learn how much money went towards their "advertising costs."   I also found it ironic that for an agency with such high advertising costs, they always seem to be searching for families to go through their agency by posting situations in online forums.

Take note, adoption professionals:  Please Don't leave messages or announcements in online forums or social media asking if anyone is interested or knows of anyone who is interested in adopting a baby with an approaching due date without an estimation of the costs.  Doing so is like a Realtor posting an ad with a picture of a house which has just been listed and asking all potential homeowners "Is anyone interested in buying this house?"  Of course people are interested in buying the house, but no matter how great the location or how gorgeous the home is, if it doesn't fit into the buyer's budget, then it's just not a realistic option for them to look into!  The real question isn't "Is anyone interested in buying this house?" but rather "Is this house within your price range?"

Similarly speaking, with infertility affecting 1 in 8 couples in the U.S.,  and/or for many families who may not necessarily be affected by infertility but who would love to provide a safe and nurturing home for a child through adoption OF COURSE PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN ADOPTING!  So why don't more people adopt when situations arise?  Because being interested is NOT the same as being able to afford the costs of adopting which  is where one of my biggest pet peeves about the adoption process as an adoptive parent lies:  That adoption can be so costly! 

Dear Adoption Agencies with Particularly High Fees, 

Please don't get anyone's false hopes up by advertising situations and asking if anyone is interested, but rather, just come outright and say, "Those of you who have at least $45K in your adoption budget, please inquire- no other families will be considered."  Yes, I realize there won't be as many inquiries, but it will save both parties a lot of time and save prospective adoptive couples (and their friends and families who are so eager to pass along such information) extra frustration and heartache.  

                                                  Sincerely, Me

I understand that medical care and legal fees cost money- I get it- and certainly birthparents may need some financial support during a pregnancy, but I just don't understand how some agencies can feel good about themselves for charging an arm and a leg for "advertising" or other fees.  Do these agencies exist to find homes for children or are they in the money-making business of buying off birthparents and in return selling babies to the highest bidder?  I know that sounds extremely cynical of me, but it's an honest frustration I have.  When I come across such agencies, it makes my husband and I much more inclined to want to adopt a Waiting Child through the foster care system, because the intent of The Dave Thomas Foundation For Adoption and other such foundations and agencies is to find families and homes for children, NOT to make a profit.

 

Speaking of child-centered adoptions, I fully agree with what Dawn Davenport, an adoption advocate and the Executive Director of creatingafamily.org, wrote in this post:

“OK, here’s the truth: the process of adoption is often messy with lots of ups and downs.  Both families involved –birth and adoptive- are making the biggest decision of their life.   What is right for them and for the child is not always clear.  Absolutes are in short supply.  No agency can make this process seamless, nor should they. You can and should expect, however, honesty, transparency, and communication.

Good agencies are child centered; they are more interested in finding homes for children than children for homes.  Good agencies come in all sizes and flavors, but in my opinion they share the following traits:

• They stress pre-adoption education.
• For domestic adoption agencies, they provide pre and post adoption counseling for first mothers, and support her decision either way.
• For international adoption agencies, they have humanitarian programs in the countries where they work to help the kids that won’t be adopted and help families stay intact.
• They don’t cherry pick the kids. In other words, they try to find homes for harder to place children.
• They make a lifetime commitment to you and your child through post adoption services.

A good adoption agency looks more like a child-welfare agency.  It’s worth the time to find that type of agency.”

My husband and I were very pleased with the private agency we went through for our first adoption for the following reasons:

1)      As a non-profit agency it was affordable; not “cheap” but affordable

2)      The agency provides free lifelong counseling to birthparents (if they desire) and

3)      The agency we used does not charge “more” or “less” for children based on race of the child.  I REFUSE to support any agency which charges more for a child based on skin color.  Some would argue that it’s just a matter of economics: white babies are more “rare” than multiracial or minority babies, but there are more multiracial babies and children available or in “supply”; therefore the higher the demand the higher the price and vice versa.  Even so, it just doesn’t seem right to me.

4)      The agency required pre-adoption education stressing the importance that adoption should be centered on THE CHILD and that although birthparents and adoptive parents are crucial to the process, their needs come second to the child’s needs.

After much thought and research over the past couple of years we found another adoption agency which meets the criteria of our first adoption agency: it is a non-profit agency which charges on a sliding scale based on income, they do not charge more or less based on race of a child, and birthparents who go through this agency are provided with ample support- emotionally and financially- and they play an active role in choosing which family adopts their child.  Such criteria meets our definition of an "ethical" adoption agency.  We were approved to adopt through this new agency a year ago and thankfully our Home Study from our original agency easily transferred over which helped to save a TON of paperwork and time on our part!

Another advantage for us as adoptive parents going through this new agency is that the number of families that they work with at one time is substantially lower than our other agency- which has literally hundreds of prospective adoptive couples, which is GREAT if you're a birthparent considering adoption, but not so great when you're hoping to adopt and have to compete with other couples in the exact same situation.  

Criteria for choosing an adoption agency depends on what things are most important to prospective adoptive couples- or birthparents.  Speaking of which, I thought it was very interesting that as part of the application process with our new agency (we are still with our old agency as well) in an attempt to get to know their clients, we were asked to rate the following three statements in order of importance to us:

"____  I want to have a baby in my arms as soon as possible.  I am not as interested in specific characteristics; I just want a child.

____  Birth parents race, intelligence, and general characteristics are very important to me.  I am willing to wait longer in order to find what I'm looking for.

____   Although I am anxious to adopt, cost is very important to me, therefore I am willing to wait for birth parents with minimal financial need."

Such statements can be very helpful in determining what is a priority to you and what kind of an adoption agency would fit your needs.

Other questions to keep in mind if you or someone you know is considering adoption and researching agencies are:

-How long has the agency been in business/licensed?

-Is the agency Hague accredited? (for international adoptions)

-What are the fees?  Are any of these fees refundable? 

-Can the agency guarantee the placement of a child?

-How many adoptive placements does the agency have, on average, per year?

-What is the average waiting time to be matched with a child?

-How many prospective adoptive couples at a time does the agency work with?

-Does the agency encourage closed or open adoptions?

My Top Ten Frustrations with Inquiring about Waiting Children

It’s been about three or four years now since I first started searching through profiles of Waiting Children in the U.S. foster care system as part of our family’s attempts to domestically adopt another child.  Although I’m not sure of the exact number of children we’ve actually inquired about, I can easily recount some of my frustrations from the process:

10) Hearing back from the caseworker after making an inquiry only to be told “That child (or children) has already been placed.”  Then why is their profile still online with no mention of that fact?!

 9)  Most of the times you can tell (but not always) if a child is in a wheelchair from their profile picture or because “moderate to severe physical disability” is part of the search criteria or information.  We do NOT have a wheelchair friendly-home so at this point in time inquiring after any children in wheelchairs is out of the question.

8) Age Preferences- Our family really likes babies, toddlers, and preschoolers.  In fact, I sort of feel like “pre-school age” is my specialty.  However, the majority of Waiting Children under three years old can be considered “medically fragile” due to conditions such as Shaken Baby Syndrome, Cerebral Palsy, or various Birth Defects. I admit that such extensive medical needs such as changing colostomy bags and g- tubes or suctioning out little lungs and airways so they don’t aspirate seem a little overwhelming to me.  No judgmental or hateful comments, please . . . unless you’re perfect!

With age being a big factor, we’ve learned to broaden our horizons a bit about what age of child we would consider adopting or would be a good fit for our family which leads me to my next frustration . . .

7)  Falling in love with a profile or at least thinking “Hey- this could work” only to learn or read in the fine print “This child must be the youngest in the family.”   Shoot- that’s not gonna work!

6)  Being drawn to a child from another state only to learn that they must remain in or near their home state (in order to keep in contact with relatives or siblings).  If they are from a neighboring state, then things could be worked out but if they live on the other side of the country, then not so much.
 

5)  I did have the experience a couple of years ago of being particularly drawn to a sibling group from a neighboring state.  When I inquired about them (I was pretty persistent and there were many inquiries) the caseworker finally got back to me and gave me a lot of good, useful information but it also dashed any of my hopes of adopting these kids.
 

Useful information #1 the caseworker shared with me: These children had already been adopted but were coming from a disruptive placement.  As soon as she said “disruptive placement” I admit the first question out of my mouth was more-or less “What’s wrong with the kids?”  She proceeded to tell me that the adoption disrupted because their former foster/adoptive parents had sexually abused them; hence ALL of the children in the home had to be removed.  That made me very upset and angry.  Why do people like that get to adopt or foster- isn’t that why Background Checks and Interviews and References are a part of the screening process in the first place? 

The second useful piece of information the caseworker shared with me was this:  Because of the circumstances of the disrupted adoption, these children needed to remain in their home state so that their new adoptive family could be monitored very closely.   Very understandable.
 

4) ICWA cases

Most of the time (but not necessarily always) you can tell right away from a child’s profile picture or from the information listed under Ethnicity/Race that a child is Native American*.  Sometimes I’ll come across a picture of some beautiful golden skinned children and I immediately think “They’re Native American- don’t even get your hopes up high!”  I envision all of the drama and turmoil surrounding the Baby Veronica Case and sure enough, after reading further through their profile information and narratives I am told “Only families with proof of belonging to a federally recognized Native American tribe will be considered” which automatically rules our family out. 

*A few times, however, I have come across a child or children with skin as white as can be and you would never know they are American Indian until reading: “This child belongs to the _______ Tribe; only Native American families should inquire.”

3)  “Sugarcoating” behavioral or emotional problems of the children.  The same caseworker who gave me more info about the sibling group I mentioned in #5 also told me something very straight forward which I had actually suspected but I greatly appreciated her truthfulness in confirming the truth to me.  She said that from her experience many times on adoption websites the children’s issues are “sugarcoated” or minimalized.  This topic came up because I knew that the children I was inquiring about had some behavioral and emotional difficulties but I wanted to know more details about the extents and specifics of their issues.

I don’t know about you, but if I read, for instance, that a little girl likes playing with Barbies or listening to Justin Beiber I might think, “Well, yes, that’s nice-  BUT . . .  if they’re leaving out important details such as the fact that she’s sexually reactive or has major reactive attachment disorder than I don’t care how much she likes playing with Barbies or listening to Justin Beiber, I need to be armed with as much information as possible so that I can be prepared to meet her needs and effectively parent her- even if that means knowing the unpleasant facts.” 

2)  Inquiring about a child only to receive word (by phone or e-mail) “Your family has not been selected for this child.”  Or even worse . . .

1)  Never hearing back from a caseworker at all.  In my humble opinion, at least a “Thank you for inquiring” would be nice to hear even if there is no intention of placing the child in my home.

As I mentioned in Reasons #9, #8, #7, # 6 and #4, oftentimes it can be disappointing to learn all the facts about a child’s background when doing so makes you realize that the child wouldn’t be a good fit for your family after all and you want nothing more than to adopt a child.  However, it’s better for everyone involved (prospective adoptive parents, caseworkers and adoption professionals, and especially the child) to have as much information up front as possible.

 

It’s also good to be reminded that the purpose of Waiting Child Photolistings and Websites is not so much for families to find children to adopt but for children to find the right family and permanent home for them.   

Race & Fostering and Adopting

Last month was Hispanic Heritage month (Thank you for the reminder, Disney Junior!) and it occurred to me, “Hey- we have a household member of Hispanic heritage” because quite honestly, I sometimes forget.  One-third of our foster children have been Hispanic, including our current foster daughter, Rose.  Although I initially felt rather “proud” at my color-blindness and the fact that Rose’s skin color isn’t that big of a deal to me, I later felt a little guilty and thought, “Should I do something to acknowledge that our foster daughter is of a different heritage and color than the rest of my family?”  Then again, at just over a year old she’s probably too young to even realize her skin is a darker shade than the rest of ours so would acknowledging her diversity really make a difference?  Opinions on the subject will vary. 

 

What I do know is that mixed race families never seemed to be something I ever gave too much thought to- I have nieces and nephews who are biracial or who have married inter-racially and as with our foster daughter, I sometimes forget the fact.  But lately such couples and families seem to really stick out to me- perhaps because my own family now fits that description- if only on a temporary basis.

Gerstenzang described this exact phenomenon in a chapter of her book.  Describing what it was like to foster a child of a different race she said,

“During the initial period when Cecelia lived with us and I became temporarily obsessed with race, I noticed every baby that ‘matched’ her mother or father and every one that didn’t.  My eye was like a camera, and everywhere I went I took snapshots of children and their parents: white baby nursing at white mother’s breast; Asian female face in a stroller with white male pushing the stroller; two brown parents with their two brown children.  I was hyperaware of issues that I had thought a lot about before but that now seemed so personal.”

If you’ll excuse my oversimplified analogy, it’s kind of like if you’ve ever had the experience of looking for a new car or even buying a new pair of shoes- suddenly you find yourself paying particular attention to the kinds of cars people drive (or what shoes they’re wearing) and it seems like you notice the kind of car that you’re interested in pops up EVERYWHERE.  Now this is not necessarily because there’s a sudden influx of that particular car on the market, but rather it just seems more apparent since it’s at the forefront of your mind.

That’s how I’ve felt since Rose has been back in our care again in noticing both a prevalence of multi-racial families or the differences in our races and issues- albeit minor- having to do with race which I’ve never had to give much thought to before.

Here’s a few small examples:

Example #1- Last month I was at a soccer game and being the Sunscreen Nazi that I am (because of a history of skin cancer thanks to my British heritage and too much time spent worshipping the sun in my invincible younger years!) I started lathering sunscreen all over my daughter’s fair skin before the game started.  I then looked down at Rose and her golden skin and wondered, “Do I need to apply some to her skin or does her darker coloring serve as protection against the sun’s rays?” I’ve honestly never had to think about it before. 

Example #2- While looking through the Sunday ads and thinking about what toys to get for Christmastime (because I like to prepare early), I decided that a doll would be a great choice for Rose.  But I had to search a little harder than I originally would have because I wanted to find one with brown skin- like hers.  

Example #3-  One day when my family went for a walk and while my white husband was pushing Rose in her stroller we passed a Hispanic man pushing a very fair-skinned looking child (I’m assuming his own) in a stroller.  “That’s ironic”- I thought as we passed.  My husband and I exchanged comical glances. 

My mother, who was raised in a small western town during the depression said that when she was growing up it WAS a big deal to see a mixed race family- stares would abound.  But fast forward to nowadays, as an almost eighty year old grandmother, having mixed race grandchildren, foster grandchildren, and great grandchildren of her own isn’t that big of a deal anymore- and I’m grateful for that.  

Yet there needs to be a balance between being color-blind and having a “Does it really matter?” attitude and acknowledging that, “Yes- being a member of a transracial family can be a big deal” and that differences in skin color should be recognized and even celebrated rather than ignored.  

I was particularly interested in the chapter in Another Mother about race relations, foster care, adoption, and social policy.  As a white foster parent to a black infant foster daughter (And I use the term “black” rather than African American because not all people with black skin come from Africa- as is the case with Haitians, Jamaicans, and Brazilians, for example) Gerstenzang  had her fair share of curious inquiries, stares, unsolicited advice and opinions and in some cases, outright rude remarks from others, both people close to her and perfect strangers.   

“One of the things I particularly worried about was that some black people might feel upset that we were parenting a black child.  If I could have posted a sign on my back it would have read: ‘We are trying to help a family get back together.  We are foster parents.  We aren’t kidnapping this child.’”  

Incidentally, I also recently read a blog post which a black foster family shared their experiences fostering white children, including a very unfortunate event when the foster father was watching his foster daughters play at a park and a concerned bystander approached the little girls and asked if they were alright or if the man (their foster father) was bothering them.  *Can anyone please tell me where I read that so I can reference it?*  Too bad the foster father couldn’t have been wearing a sign on his back.  

Gerzenstang’s concerns about parenting a black child as a white woman did not just stem from her daily encounters with others, but from her study of social policy.  She recalled a stance made by the National Association of Black Social Worker’s (NABSW) in response to the trend in the early 70s of white families adopting black children:

“Black children should be placed only with Black families whether in foster care or adoption.  Black children belong physically, psychologically, and culturally in Black families in order that they receive the total sense of themselves and develop a sound projection of their future.  Human beings are products of their environment and develop their sense of values, attitudes, and self-concepts within their own family structure.  Black children in white homes are cut off from the healthy development of themselves as Black people.”

Thank goodness that the NABSW has since modified its stance.  Otherwise, there would be even more children waiting for homes.  Gerstenzang continued to explain:

“By 1994, the NABSW had modified its position with a three-tiered statement.  The priority, the top tier, was preserving or reunifying black families; the second tier was adoption by parents of the same race; and the third tier was adoption by parents of another race, but only after appropriate members of the African American community had determined that the second tier was unreachable.”

On a related personal note, I can’t help but wonder, with the new developments in Rose’s case, if the fact that Tia is Hispanic and I’m not has any bearing on DCFS’s decision to move her?  (One of Rose’s parents is white and the other parent- Tia’s relative- is Hispanic)  Is it an issue of race or is it just a coincidence?  If it were about race, it wouldn’t be legal as Gerstenzang continues to explain about American social policy:

“The Multi-Ethnic Placement Act (MEPA) of 1994 said that race could not be the determining factor when placing a child in an adoptive or foster home.  However, the legislation did note that an agency could consider the capacity of the prospective foster or adoptive parents to meet the needs of a child of a different racial, ethnic, or cultural background as one of a number of factors used to determine the best interests of the child.  Because MEPA is a federal legislation, any state that receives federal money for its public or private foster and adoptive agencies (which is every state) must comply with it.  And in 1996, the law was modified to make it even stricter.  The Inter-Ethnic Placement Act, still commonly referred to as MEPA, said that race couldn’t play any role in adoptive placements.  In other words, the law says it is illegal to consider race when placing a child in a foster or adoptive home.  So if a child is available for adoption and several couples are interested in the child, the couples that match the race of the child cannot be given preference on those grounds.”

Aside from the social policies mentioned in the book, it was interesting for me to read about how this family’s experience with foster care evolved.  I won’t tell you how the book ends, you’ll have to read that yourself, but I do highly recommend it.  And speaking of recommended reading, I urge you to read these posts on racism by an adoptive mother (and social worker) whose two sons happen to be black.

Any thoughts from those of you with backgrounds in transracial adoption or fostering?  What is something you wish people knew or that you’ve learned from your experiences?