Birthfather's Rights

My state has certainly had a busy month making headlines with controversial legal battles in regards to adoption.

Last week the focus in the media was a particular case about birth father's rights.  Here's a brief synopsis:

http://news.hjnews.com/allaccess/custody-battle-for--week-old-kaylee-heads-to-the/article_3b2572a4-0e6a-500d-8665-eb261c91450b.html

After much publicity on social media many have spoken out in favor of the birth father retaining/obtaining his parental rights.  One adoptive mother friend declared her feelings on the matter, expressing "I would NEVER agree to adopt a baby unless both birth parents consented."

My instinctive reply was "Absolutely."

Perhaps what was just as disturbing to me as the fact that this particular case seemed unethical were some of the critical comments and judgments heaped upon the baby's birth mother and her family, namely:

1)  Allegations or suggestions that the birth mother was "coerced" or forced by her parents into placing her child for adoption- another HUGE ethical issue.

2) The assumption/inference from others that because the birth mother chose to relinquish her parental rights and place her child for adoption she didn't care about her child.

As you can guess, any assumptions which equate adoption with abandonment or lack of love don't go over well with me.  Needless to say, some of my Mama Bear buttons were definitely pushed as I read a particularly scathing response to the case by one of my Facebook acquaintances.  Anyone who knows me well knows that I don't like contention, but I HAD to speak up.  This was my response:

As I mentioned earlier, I was one of the first to side with the birth father in this particular case.  But as I took a step back and looked at the issue of birthfather's rights from a general point of view (and not just under the framework of this specific case) I asked myself, "Would I NEVER really agree to adopt a child unless both parents consented?" (And I use the world "child" rather than baby because babies are not the only ones who are in need of adoptive homes).  After further consideration my answer was "no."

[In case any anti-adoption and/or family-preservation-no-matter-what! advocates want to send me hate mail accusing me of "stealing" someone else's children- Let me inform you that our oldest child's birthfather was not interested in sticking around to support his baby or her birthmother and although our youngest children's birthfather initially expressed the desire to relinquish his parental rights he never attended the follow-up court hearings regarding the permanency of his children and thus his parental rights were eventually terminated.]

So, what if, hypothetically speaking, my state had a law in which a birthmother could not place a child for adoption unless she had the consent of the birthfather?  One's first instinct might be to think "That seems fair enough!" but consider the following scenarios:

-A woman is raped.  She wants to place her her child for adoption but she can't because she cannot legally do so without consent of the birth father.

- A pregnant woman is unsure of who the father of her child is but she wants to place her child for adoption.

-A woman knows who the father of her child is but he is abusive and a danger to the woman and potentially to the (born or unborn) child.

-The birthfather cannot be located.

-The birthfather can be located but he is in another state, country, or in prison.

-A birthfather has no intent of supporting the birthmother or their child.

Each potential adoptive situation is different and I realize that none of the above scenarios apply to Colby Nielsen's case.  However, it is important for all of us to keep in mind the reasoning behind Utah's adoption laws as stated by an attorney in the news article I referenced at the beginning of this post:  

“This law, meant to protect mothers and babies with an absentee father, is an absolute travesty and disgrace in a situation like this,” said local attorney Erin Byington, who presented the Nielsens before Hutchins took the case. “If a father does not file a paternity action, specifically stating certain things by affidavit, prior to the mother signing her relinquishment for adoption (not court action, just a signature,) the father loses all ability to fight the adoption and seek custody. It doesn’t even matter if he’s on the birth certificate, or even if he physically has the baby in his care. This cannot possibly be the intended result of this legislation.”

The Sting of Hearing Certain Phrases for an Adoptive Mom

I'm going to allow myself to be a bit vulnerable today and share some feelings of loss.  Adoption can be wonderful but it can't be ignored that it is LOSS which makes it possible in the first place.   

All members of the adoption triad experience some form of loss to some degree: Birthparents lose a child- even in cases where they willingly relinquish their parental rights and are at peace with their decision and have full confidence in the family they've chosen for their child.  

Adoptive parents, and mothers in particular, may feel the loss of not having been able to conceive (and carry or give birth to) their children.

If a child is adopted at an older age their parents may feel the loss of not having been able to raise them during their formative years and missing out on all of the first's in a child's life- first tooth, first words, first day of school, etc.

Perhaps the most profound sense of loss is felt by the child who is adopted as they lose their biological family.  If their adoption is closed they could feel an amplified loss of identity, belonging, or even information on seemingly simple knowledge many of us take for granted, such as "What color of hair or eyes did my bio parents have?"  "What were they like?" to more complex issues such as "What about my medical history- am I at a greater risk for certain cancers or mental illness or alcoholism and other addictions because of my genetics?"

I can't speak for birthparents or those who have been adopted for the obvious reason that I've never been in their situation but I can acknowledge their losses and try to sympathize.  As an adoptive parent, however, I can speak for myself and empathize with other parents who have had to grieve through losses similar to what I've experienced.

With that background let me also share some additional information about myself and my feelings about adoption:  I've always felt drawn towards adoption- I can't really explain why- but it's just been a feeling or sense I've carried with me.  In the back of my mind I thought "I would like to adopt someday" whether I was able to have biological children or not.  As time went on, this sense of adoption became much more keen and clear and transformed from "I would like to adopt someday" to "I will adopt someday."

I always envisioned becoming a parent for the first time in my 20's rather then my 30's but it turns out that I'm infertile and anyone who has dealt with infertility can attest to the fact that it can really take your life's plans for a detour.  

In my opinion, the only thing worse than being infertile is being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".  I like there to be a reason for things- my favorite question to answer is "why?"- so when my husband and I dealt with unexplained infertility for over the first half decade of our marriage it was extremely frustrating to say the least.  It's so much easier to know how to move forward when you know what exactly it is you are dealing with in the first place.

After about five years of actively trying to conceive we had some answers to where- (and in this case, with whom) the problem lied.  I was FINALLY correctly diagnosed and treated for our fertility problems- which, in my case, happens to be related to endometriosis.  It was a huge relief to finally have an explanation to why we couldn't get pregnant.  And although at that point in time the chance of me having a viable pregnancy was still a possibility for us, we had started looking into adoption as a means of building our family as well because as with going through the adoption process, fertility treatments offer no guarantee that you'll end up with a child.  

To me, adopting our children versus conceiving and giving birth to them was no big deal.  I wanted to be a parent and the technicality of how that would happen wasn't nearly as important as making sure we did all in our power to make sure that it did happen.  My husband, on the other hand, was hesitant about adoption and it took him a while to warm up to the idea.  This totally makes me laugh now because as I continue to see the interaction between my husband and our firstborn child in particular, who joined our family through adoption as a newborn, I don't think it would be possible for any father to love his child more.

With that lengthy background I'd like to share a couple of fairly recent examples of times I've experienced some feelings of loss triggered quite simply by someone's choice of words.

EXAMPLE #1: ". . . maybe you could have had your own children."

I will be needing another surgery in the near future to deal with some of the complications associated with my endometriosis.  As I was talking to a loved one about this and we were calculating how many surgeries I've had over the years as a means of treatment my loved one made the comment to me, "It sure is too bad that you weren't diagnosed sooner.  Then maybe you could have had your own children."

I was taken aback and tried to keep the conversation running smoothly but at the same time I was caught off guard and just kept thinking, "Wait a minute- did she seriously just say that?"  Now if you are reading this and don't quite understand why a comment like that would hurt so much let me try to explain it:

The term "your own children" is basically the opposite of "someone else's children" and "someone else's children" implies that these children aren't really yours- that you are an impostor.  Or that you haven't fully earned the title of parent because your children don't carry your DNA.  Ouch- That hurts.  (As much as that comment hurt I'm relieved that at least it was just said in front of me and not in my children's presence.)

Fortunately, I know the heart very well of this loved one who made the comment and I know for a fact that she would never deliberately say anything hurtful toward me or my children.  In fact, as I was analyzing what she said (I would have much preferred to just let it slide but the words "your own children" kept echoing through my mind over the next couple of hours after our conversation to the point that I couldn't just ignore them) I'm fairly certain that her remark stemmed from her frustration for and sympathy towards me in watching me have to suffer for so long both physically and emotionally with the process of becoming a parent.

From that conversation I was reminded that when someone says something which can seem insensitive or hurtful many times that is not their intent at all but they are simply unaware that such a phrase or way of putting things could be considered hurtful.  That is why education and awareness is so important.

EXAMPLE #2: "Maybe he misses his real mom" 

Shortly after we adopted Jack he was having a particularly hard day and started whining and throwing a tantrum.  We happened to have relatives over and I felt the need to apologize for his behavior- whether it was the result of him being tired or frustrated or simply of being a 2-year-old.  "I don't know what's wrong- he's having a rough time." I sheepishly explained.  My relative quickly offered up his assessment and said, "Maybe he misses his real mom."  

Once again, I was just so startled at that comment that I didn't even have time to formulate a good response.  I would have been totally fine if the words "other mom" or "biological mom" were used- but they weren't.  Maybe Jack did, in fact, miss his birthmother, and I can totally accept that fact. What I was having a problem with is that the phrase "real mom" made me feel like my role as mother to Jack was somehow being diminished.

I understand that adoption presents a unique situation for children because they literally have more than one mom or dad- I get that it's different than the norm of one mom and one dad who conceive their children themselves.  But I think it's important to remember that ALL the parents in the adoptive child's life are real.  Birth parents are real.  Adoptive parents are real.  Both are a necessary part of the adoption equation.  When one party is labeled "real" it automatically makes the other party "not real" by default.

The two examples of  phrases I shared really pricked a tender spot in my heart.  And since I have a tendency to over-analyze things and this is, in fact, my blog, I'll explain why that is:

I think there is a continuum, for me, of certain phrases people use when talking about adoption which range anywhere from "not a problem" "that bugs me" "that REALLY bugs me" to "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!"  Phrases like "real mom" or "your own children" definitely belong on the far end of the continuum under the classification of "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!" because they're not just bothersome but they can actually hurt.

I think there is another continuum to measure how bothersome or hurtful certain phrases are which is based not on the phrase itself, but of whom is speaking.  For example, it I were to hear a stranger say, "I know a woman who gave up a child for adoption." I would assume that they don't have very much experience with adoption and l would let it slide because if they did have more experience with adoption they would most certainly use the term "placed" rather than "gave up".   Hearing a stranger make a remark like that would be bothersome.  However, if a friend of mine were to use the term "gave up for adoption" I would be even more bothered because they're my friend and because of that, I would hope they would show a bit more sensitivity and reverence for adoption.  Therefore, their response would belong somewhere along the continuum of "that REALLY bugs me".  With the two examples I shared of hearing the phrase "real mom" and "your own children" it hurt not only because it was on the far end of the continuum based solely on the phrase being said/terms used but it was also on the far end of the spectrum of the "whom is speaking" scale since it was my loved ones who made the remarks.

And now, for my final example- the end all/be all remark which, in my opinion, is the F-bomb of all adoption phrases: "You're not my REAL mom!"  or "You're not my REAL dad!" These phrases are at the far end of both continuums I've mentioned because not only is it an incredibly hurtful and personal, accusatory phrase but it can only be uttered by a child to their adoptive parent- the ultimate sting.

EXAMPLE #3- "You're not my REAL mom!".  

This example is deserving of a post all of its own. Stay Tuned.

Positive Adoption Language Infographic

I came across this infographic today courtesy of United Methodist Communications and I couldn't help but share as I've certainly been frustrated in the past by certain terms people use when talking about adoption. 

The thing is- not everybody knows that a certain term might be hurtful- and that is why I liked this infographic so much- these are simply suggestions of what terms to use- "instead of this, say this" in order to avoid miscommunication with a brief explanation of WHY a specific term might send an unintended message.

In addition to the infographic, adoptive mother and pastor Angela Flanagan, shared more helpful hints about asking questions, making assumptions, and even touched on some of the challenges unique to adoptive families, and transracial adoptive families in particular, where adoption is obvious, including the following:

" Asking appropriate questions with healthy language of friends is very different from asking questions of perfect strangers. Before you ask or comment, consider what it might feel like to have your family questioned everywhere you go by people who you don’t know and what effect that has on the children. 

If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate or if you are using appropriate
language, please refrain, or at the very least, refrain while in front of
the children."

On a related note of shielding questions about an adopted child's history- especially when asked in front of the child, sometimes it's not just those who ask the questions that need to take a step back, but those who answer and provide information (because adoptive parents are human, too)!

This is something which I'm learning to find a balance with.  On the one hand I love educating people about foster care or how the adoption process works, and I'm glad to be able to share my experiences with them.  But on the other hand I realize "Just because I want to educate others and am happy to talk about my experiences doesn't necessarily mean I have to share every detail about my children's backgrounds with everyone who asks- especially when they ask in front of the children- because although my child's story is definitely a part of my story- it is ultimately their story to tell."

I HATE the term "Natural Parent"!

I once attended a Book Club where somehow, during the course of the night, we got onto the topic of "natural" births versus drug-assisted births.  I don't even remember if that particular topic related to the book we were discussing at the time or even what book we were discussing in the first place, but I do clearly remember the heated debate which followed and ended up dividing a roomful of neighbors and friends as a result of judgments and assumptions- both expressed and not expressed- based on everyone's differing experiences.   It wasn't a pretty situation.  In fact, the divisive atmosphere was a bit like this brilliant ad.

As if the contention in the room weren't enough to deal with that night at book club, there I was- the only infertile woman in the room (that I'm aware of)- sitting awkwardly in silence- not just because I felt such arguing seemed unnecessary- but because I couldn't offer up a valid opinion of my own on the subject even if I wanted to because I have ABSOLUTELY NO EXPERIENCE in such matters.  I kind of wanted to disappear from the room or somehow make myself invisible that night but I think I ended up laughing uncomfortably and just hoping the evening wouldn't end up in a fist-fight or a full-out brawl.

You see, some of us don't have a choice in the first place of whether to give birth naturally or with the assistance of an epidural or whether to deliver vaginally or by C-section because some of us never conceive or give birth at all.  Does that fact make me any less of a woman or less of a mother?  I don't think so and I'm pretty secure in my belief, but every once in a while I'll read something or hear someone say something which pricks a sensitive spot in my heart.

Earlier this week I was scrolling through an online forum of birth mothers, adoptive mothers, and adoptees and I came across something that really rubbed me the wrong way.  No- that's not entirely truthful.  To say it rubbed me the wrong way is minimizing how it made me feel.  It's much more accurate to say that I felt like I had been slapped in the face after I read it.  And it's not so much the term that was used but the intent and attitude which accompanied its use that left me feeling so invalidated.  What on earth could cause you to become so upset? you're wondering.  I'll tell you: a birthmother used the term "natural mother" to describe her relationship to the child she placed for adoption and with that child's adoptive mother. 

Now I am well aware that there are differing opinions about what terms to use when describing certain aspects of adoption- and not everybody knows what is considered less offensive or most appropriate- which is why discussing and sharing positive adoption language and terms is so important.  However, even when one uses the generally preferred and agreed upon terms, say "Birthmother" for example- someone is bound to be offended.  I think the most important thing to keep in mind when talking about adoption (or anything for that matter) is "How might this term make another person feel- even if I don't intentionally mean for them to feel that way?  What are the underlying implications of the words I'm using?"

For example, before I became an adoptive mother I'm sure I probably used the term "put up for adoption" rather than "placed for adoption" to describe when a mother chooses to place rather than parent a child or to describe orphans who become available to be adopted by others.  Although "put up for adoption" is much better than "gave away" or "given up" (I'm cringing just writing that phase out!)  think of the implications a term like "give up" reflect for both a birthmother and an adoptee- or even an adoptive parent.

For a birthmother the phrase "give up" implies that she didn't put much thought or care into such a crucial decision- the child is just something to be discarded or that placing a child for adoption is as simple as giving away something that is not needed or wanted.  NOTHING COULD BE FURTHER FROM THE TRUTH!

For someone who's been adopted, to hear the term "gave up" implies that they weren't wanted or loved in the first place- that they were "given away" or abandoned.  What a terrible thing to hear or believe!  I would hate for my daughter to overhear someone erroneously say that she was "given up" for adoption.  It is a huge insult to both her and her brave birthmother who gave her life and made us a family.

As for using the term "give up for adoption" in front of adoptive parents, other than my feelings I expressed in the previous paragraph, part of me wants to laugh because it makes it sound like the adoption process is no big deal- like there's no waiting or background checks or approval and no legal process involved- and of, course it's totally free- kids are just given away like free puppies or kittens.  Do you see what I mean?

So back to what I read which left me feeling so insulted: As an adoptive mother, when I read the term "natural mother" I automatically thought  "Hmmm- if she's a natural mother because she gave birth to her child, then as an adoptive mother I guess that makes me the opposite of natural- unnatural.  And unnatural equates with fake, phony- not real.  So I'm not a real mother because my children don't come from my womb?"  Can you see why the term "natural mother" might strike a sensitive chord in mothers who didn't bear their children?

It wasn't just adoptive parents who took issue with the term "natural parent" but those who had been adopted as well.  One such woman responded:

 I just have to put this out there... I hate the term "natural mom". It makes it sound like adoption is unnatural or that my dear mom, whom I love so much, is somehow unnatural in her role. I may have been adopted, but there is nothing unnatural about my mom or our relationship. Can we please stick to biological or birth mom? Thanks and sorry for the rant.

In her defense, the birthmother who started the online thread shared that her child's{adoptive} mom is just fine with her using the term "natural mother" and they have a great relationship with each other.   If it works for them, great.  As for my situation and the relationship I have with my daughter's birthmother, I would never want to risk saying or doing anything which diminishes the sacred role she plays in our lives.

Fortunately, I've witnessed something very beautiful in the adoption community and that is when members of the adoption triad become fiercely protective of one another.  So when I read the term "natural mother" in the online forum and I felt my anger rising I was very relieved and touched to find that the very first reply was from a birthmother who graciously expressed:

I promise I am NOT saying this to be rude or discredit anything you have said, because it is wonderful. But I know the term "natural mom" is kind of... invalidating. I am a birth mom, and I feel like calling myself "natural" mom would imply there is something unnatural about my son's mom. Is there a different term you could use? I think it is important, while we are in the subject of healing and being kind to birthmothers, to also be kind and loving toward adoptive mothers.

I happen to know the birthmother who replied with such sensitivity and I personally thanked her for her response.  Unfortunately, she took a lot of slack for expressing her view and had a lot of criticism thrust upon her, quite ironically, by others who have been through the same incredibly tough and sensitive situation she has gone through of placing a child for adoption.   (Even after she started her statement out with "I'm NOT saying this to be rude or discredit anything . . ." and after she repeatedly apologized to any who took issue from her words).

Needless to say, the thread on the online forum started to grow and just got uglier and uglier.  Much like my book club experience I described at the beginning of my post, there were many judgments, assumptions, and even some misunderstandings among the group's members which resulted in divisions and alienation rather than fostering an atmosphere of unity and support for each other and a safe exchange of ideas and perspectives without fear of sharing.

Although I was tempted to make a comment in the online forum I bit my tongue and decided to save it for now- in my own blog post.  So here's how I feel about the issue in one sentence:  I HATE the term "Natural Parent"!  There- I said it.  I got it off my chest.

Tell us how you really feel, Mary, Don't Hold Back. ;)

I guess what I'm trying to say is we're all imperfect, but let's all try to be a little more aware of what we say and consider how it might affect others.

"But it's someone's fault if they get offended."  some might rationalize.  That may be so, but it still doesn't make it right to say it.  Especially if the consensus is that a particular term is hurtful or offensive.

I will close with one of my all-time favorite adoption-related quotes from a wise birthmother, Desha Wood, who has beautifully expressed that what makes adoption so miraculous and unique and ultimately possible in the first place:

Birth parents need adoptive parents.  Adoptive parents need birth parents.  Adoptees need birth parents and adoptive parents.  We're all in this together.

Abandoned Babies & Safe Haven Laws

This morning I read the following headline:

Abandoned Chinese Baby Rescued from Sewage Pipe

I immediately became deeply disturbed on so many levels and was even more affected after seeing the baby boy's face as he was crying out in an accompanying video clip:

Here's some of my thoughts about this little baby's discovery and rescue:

1)  Although child abandonment can happen in any country, this particular case came out of China where child abandonment and infanticide rates are prevalent because of strict government restrictions on the number of children a family can have, gender preferences for babies (namely boys being preferred over girls), or a baby being born with a disability.

2)  Poverty is another big determining factor in child abandonment, but this child was found in a particularly wealthy province which makes it so much harder to fathom.

3)  News like this is especially hurtful to learn about when I'm aware that there are thousands of couples who would give anything to have a baby (including depleting their savings to undergo expensive and invasive medical treatments to no avail, or who have suffered miscarriage after miscarriage) and/or those who have been waiting and waiting for the opportunity to be a parent- something which seems to come so easily and effortlessly to others.

4)  Thank goodness for those who are able to provide homes to abandoned babies and children- versus the alternative of these babies being institutionalized or growing up in orphanages.  On a related note, I'm sure there are other foster families out there between placements who heard about this baby boy and thought, "If only this would have happened in our area- we would likely be receiving a placement call today!"

5) If this baby were in the U.S. where Safe Haven Laws exist, perhaps his parents could more easily explore options other than abortion or abandonment without fear of incrimination.

6)  Discarding a child in a sewer pipe.  A sewer pipe?  The implications are that this baby is no more than waste . . . refuse . . . something to be flushed away.  Not in God's eyes.  The following scripture reference comes to mind:  "Remember, the worth of souls is great in the sight of God."

7)   Not only do Safe Haven Laws save the lives of innocent babies but they are a great resource to pregnant girls and women who may not have the support or even the awareness of options available to them.  This may be especially true in cases where women prefer to be anonymous for fear of being disowned by family members if their pregnancy is discovered, when they or their baby are at risk of being harmed, or in cases of rape and incest.

8)  Thankfully, Safe Haven Laws now exist in every U.S. state and organizations such as Project Cuddle help birth mothers find alternatives to abandoning their babies. 

9)  There are safe and hopeful alternatives to child abandonment, including adoption!

 FREE, CONFIDENTIAL HELP IS AVAILABLE:

(Although I'm not a fan of the "give your baby up" phraseology the founder uses in this clip, Project Cuddle and similar organizations are very worthwhile nonetheless.)

Birthmothers Know It's About LOVE

A couple of things have happened this past week which made me think about birthmothers:

*A comment someone made after hearing that our daughter was adopted.

*A complaint overheard about an adoption agency that “focused too much on birthmothers” rather than on the adoptive applicants

*Hearing an account of a heartbroken birthmother who placed her child with a couple a year ago and has had little or no contact with this couple or the son she placed with them even though the couple and the agency involved promised a semi-open adoption.

I’ll go into each of these examples in a little more detail. If you’re interested in my soapbox, then read on.

*A comment someone made after hearing that our daughter was adopted:

Last week my husband and I had dinner plans with a friend who was in town. Hours before we were to meet for dinner my friend called and asked if it would be alright if she brought a guy along whom she had recently met and started dating. We said that would be fine as long as they didn’t mind us bringing the kids. When my friend and her date met us at the restaurant he immediately started gushing about how cute the kids were (with so much enthusiasm that it actually made us a little uncomfortable), but I’m sure he was just trying extra hard to make a good impression on us since he was dating our friend.

Anyway, before we were seated at our table my friend asked us how our day and weekend had been. We mentioned that just that morning we spoke on a panel to a group of prospective adoptive couples. My friend’s date turned to my husband and asked if he worked with adoptions as part of his profession. My husband explained that we adopted our daughter and that we were asked to share some of our experiences with adoption and foster care with a group of couples who were starting the adoption process with the same agency we went through. He was taken by surprise when he found out that M. was adopted and that the baby wasn’t “ours” but that we were just fostering him, because according to him he thought they both looked like us. Then he turned to us and with a disgusted look on his face he said, “I just don’t understand how people can give up their kids.”

My husband and I didn’t even have to look at each other to sense the rising emotions a statement like that instills into each of us. We may not have always felt so strongly about the subject, but since becoming adoptive parents we have both grown deeply appreciative of birthmothers and at times although we may not always voice our opinion so openly we have become fiercely defensive when we hear people talk down about birthparents for choosing to place their children for adoption.

So, as soon as this guy whom I had just met one minute earlier and who was dating my friend said, “I just don’t understand how people can give up their kids” I immediately thought “What an idiot!” But rather than lecture him on how selfless and difficult a decision it is for birthmothers to place their children for adoption I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt and I calmly explained that our daughter’s birthmother was a single mom with little resources, was not in a relationship with the birthfather, and just wanted to give her baby a better life than she could provide. “She did it out of love” I explained, playing extra emphasis on the word “love”. That was enough for my friend’s date to get the point. He looked a little embarrassed about expressing his opinion so boldly and repeated what I had just said in the form of a question, “So it was out of love?” I nodded in confirmation and thought to myself “When is it NOT about love?" He interjected a second later, “Well, I still just have a really hard time understanding how people can do that.”

My husband immediately piped up in an effort to ease some of the tension and said, “Yeah, I can’t imagine what it would be like to be faced with that situation.”

*A complaint overheard about an adoption agency that “focused too much on birthmothers” rather than on the adoptive applicants:

On Thursday night we went to a required meeting concerning policy changes with LDS Family Services. Let me back up a little and explain some things about LDS Family Services for those who aren’t familiar with the agency: J. and I are LDS (AKA Latter Day Saints/Mormons/members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints) and one of the things that attracted us to the social service/adoption agency which is run through our church is the affordability of adoption costs: Those who adopt through LDS Family Services only have to pay 10% of their income. I don’t know of ANY adoption agencies that are as affordable which is GREAT NEWS for Mormon couples wanting to adopt but who don’t necessarily have a bunch of extra money lying around.

The reason the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints has made it so affordable for couples to adopt is that we place such an emphasis on the importance of families, because we believe among other things, that "Children are entitled to birth within the bonds of matrimony, and to be reared by a father and a mother who honor marital vows with complete fidelity. "

The other thing that we have learned to appreciate about LDS Family Services is that they provide counseling and support to expectant parents who are faced with an unplanned pregnancy both during and after pregnancy & placement (or parenting-depending on what the client chooses.)

However, one major setback for adoptive couples going through LDS Family Services is that there are SO MANY adoptive couples going through the agency but not enough birthparents using the agency who place their children for adoption which inevitably means that LDS Family Services cannot actually guarantee that each adoptive applicant can adopt a child. It’s not like how I imagine adoptions in the past were done where the couples who had been waiting the longest were at the “top” of a list and each time a baby was born that baby automatically went to the couple at the top of the list. Rather, birthmothers are the ones who take an active part in deciding which couple they would like to place their child with (which is why it’s so important for adoptive couples to network with others and get the word out about their desire to adopt so that a birthmother can find them!)

So, back to the meeting we attended on Thursday night . . . As we were leaving the building we walked past some prospective adoptive couples and we could overhear them “complaining” to each other about how LDS Family Services “caters” to birthparents rather than to the adoptive couples. Although they have a point I immediately recognized that they are probably new in the adoption process and are feeling a bit overwhelmed.

I’m not perfect so I’ll admit that when I’ve been discouraged about waiting to be picked by a birthmother I’ve had my share of bitter and resentful feelings creep up about having to “compete” with other couples to get a child. But the more I learn about the miracles, inspiration and love that make adoption possible I realize that it’s NOT a competition –it’s about LOVE.

First and foremost there’s the love and sacrifice that birthmothers have for their children- adoption wouldn’t even be possible if it weren’t for that love. It’s a given (or at least it should be) that couples who choose to build their families through adoption do so because they want a child more than anything else and they are filled with an overwhelming sense of love for the children who come into their lives through adoption, especially if they’ve been waiting a particularly long time.

Then there’s love that adoptive couples feel towards birthparents for giving them the gift of being a parent in the first place. And this might sound funny or a little weird but there’s even love (maybe camaraderie & support might be more appropriate terms- but they fall under the category of love) between adoptive parents and other adoptive families. Even now when I hear of a couple who is going through the adoption process or has gone through the adoptive process I feel an automatic kinship with them. I feel an immediate bond and have a desire to “talk adoption” with them and share all of the heartache and joys that are found along the adoption journey. Any feelings of “competing” for a child are washed away and I don’t feel threatened by advocating for their adoption because I know that it’s in the Lord’s hands and that the right baby goes to the right family at the right time.

Ironically, I had to remind myself of the exact same things (not resenting having to “wait” to be picked by someone and that it’s in the Lord’s hands) when I was growing a little antsy this week since we haven’t heard anything about the adoptive grandparent’s decision who are placing their grandson for adoption and considering us as a possible choice.

I found myself complaining, “What’s taking them so long- it’s been almost two weeks since we met with them! Even if they don’t decide to place with us I’d like to know one way or the other!” My wise husband turned to me and said, “Mary, can you imagine what it would be like to have to place our daughter with another family? Wouldn’t you want to be absolutely certain that the family you chose was the best possible one?” Good point. (Granted, I know that example seems extremely hypothetical but for the sake of argument bear with me; my husband was thinking specifically of cases of poverty stricken families in third world countries who literally can’t afford to feed their children- so tragic.)

*Hearing an account of a heartbroken birthmother who placed her child with a couple a year ago and has had little or no contact with this couple or the son she placed with them even though the couple and the agency involved promised a semi-open adoption:

The decision to place a child for adoption would be hard enough in itself, but then having to choose the right couple and family for your child when there are so many out there would seem totally overwhelming to me.

I read about a birthmother (on the r house) who felt strongly about placing her baby boy with a family over a year ago. Although this particular family had agreed before the placement to keep in contact with this birthmother, the birth family has NOT kept their word to the birth mother. 

One final thought about birth mothers (for now at least): If you would like to know what is appropriate to say to birthmothers regarding their decision to place- or rather what NOT to say check out Andee’s post here or Jill's post here. Because who knows better what it’s like to be a birth mother than a birth mother.

My Letter to the Editor

My mother-in-law called me this morning to tell me that I had a letter to the editor published in the Deseret News!


(I submitted it last week but my mom was the only person I told because I didn't even know if it would be published or not)

I feel so validated. Click here to read it.

Adoption Pet Peeves

This post was originally published in MEM's MEMOS on November 2, 2007

Here are three or four "Adoption Pet Peeves" I'd like to share in order to educate others about what NOT to say to anyone who has been adopted, placed a child for adoption, or who has gone through the adoption process.

#1) If you'll notice the terminology I used above, you'll see that I used the phrase "placed a child for adoption" rather than "gave up" for adoption. The reasoning behind this should be evident- if you were adopted would you want to believe that your birthparents "gave you up" like a piece of trash being thrown into the garbage can? Of course not. Furthermore, if you were a birthmother or birthfather who decided to unselflessly put the needs of your child above your own wants or needs by carrying the child to term and searching out for the best possible family for that child's future would you like people to describe your choice as "giving a child up"? God bless those wonderful birthmothers out there for their selflessness!

Even though someone may come to the realization that the term "gave up for" is not the best one to use, many people still use it out of habit. (I used to say it too, not because I was callous, but just because it's what everyone would say to describe adoption.) Here's a suggestion: The next time you happen to hear someone say "gave up" in reference to adoption just gently say, "You mean "placed"?" and it will make them a little more aware of the implications of what they're saying.

#2) Another term I hate people use is when they say of an infertile couple, "They had to adopt." (As if it's a terrible thing). This reminds me of when I hear Mormons say, "I can't drink/smoke/etc. because I'm a Mormon." Well, I happen to be L.D.S. and I can drink, smoke, or rob banks as much I want to. However, I choose not to. The same goes for adoption. My husband and I didn't have to adopt. We wanted to adopt- we chose to adopt!

#3) If a couple has decided to adopt because of infertility issues, please be aware that this is a very personal part of their life and they may not want to discuss it with complete strangers. Case in point: I met one of my husband's relatives for the first time a couple of years ago. As I was being introduced to her I smiled and stuck out my hand for her to shake. The first thing to come out of her mouth was "Alice [name has been changed] tells me you can't have children."

I was stunned and now that I look back on it I love to imagine all of the comments I could have said in reply i.e. "Well, nice to meet you, too!" "You must be head of the Weloming Committee!". "Yeah, ever since that sex change operation my body just hasn't been the same." "I'm sorry- I didn't get the memo that we were going to be discussing my breeding abilities today.". . . You get the picture. But in actuality, I was so taken by suprise that I just stood there with a blank look on my face and nothing would even come out of my mouth. Perhaps I was a little sensitive that day, but that comment felt like an unexpected slap in my face.

Something interesting to note as well, is that "Alice" did not know at that point in time if the cause of our infertility was actually because of me or my husband- [It turns out that the problem did lie with me- but we didn't know that until later]. It's just interesting to note how people always assume it's the woman.

So, what should you do if you want to talk about infertility issues with someone who may be going through them? (And I'm just assuming it would be someone close to you and not a compete stranger!) I have felt that the best thing to do is ask that person if it is something they are comfortable talking about. It's as simple as that. I have another relative who knew that my husband and I wanted to have children but were unsuccessful and she sensitively approached us and asked us if it was okay if she talked to us about some possible options of fertility treatments and specialists of which she had first-hand knowledge. Although we didn't end up pursuing any of those options, we appreciated her concern and her tact in approaching the subject.

#4) This one is not as big of a pet peeve of mine as it is of my husband. He reminded me the other day that I need to be a little more assertive about how I handle these situations when they come up. When talking about an adoptive couple's child's biological parent, please refer to them by using the term "birthmother" or " birthfather" instead of "mom" or "dad". Here is an example of what I mean: Someone was recently noticing our baby's beautiful eyes and they asked, "What color are her mom's eyes?" I immediately tried to remember what color of eyes our baby's birthmother had, but at the same time I was thinking. . . "Wait a minute-I'm this baby's mom. She didn't grow in my womb, but she is mine." I answered the question, but my husband says that the next time someone asks "What color hair does her mom have?" or "What's her mom like?", etc I should look directly at them and say, "You're looking at her."