Relicensing

Tomorrow our licensor is coming to do a walk-through inspection of our home as we have decided to renew our foster care license for another year.  It's funny because when we first started fostering we would cross our fingers to get placements where there was a high likelihood of us adopting them, but now, twelve years later, and with three permanent children to call our own in our home, our preferences have changed.  I think this is the first year where we've told our licensor and RFC that we are interested in fostering but not necessarily adopting.

The first obvious consideration in deciding whether to open up our home to more foster children or not is physical space.  Our family is growing and kids take up space-especially as they grow!  We currently have room for two more children in our home & cars but we're starting to feel a little cramped.

Another important consideration in taking a placement is what ages would work with the kids in your home.  At this point in time my husband and I both feel more comfortable with not disrupting the birth order of our children.  Because of that, we prefer children no younger than our youngest and no older than our oldest.  I miss caring for babies and toddlers even though they are a LOT of physical work.  However, one advantage of fostering babies and younger children is that cribs and toddler beds take up a lot less space in rooms than "big boy" or "big girl" regular beds.  I think I might actually cry when we get rid of the last spare toddler bed in our home. 

I have also recently learned that beginning next fall I will be working twice a week to get hours for my CSW license.  This has necessitated arranging day care for our two youngest children when I'm not at home- something I've never had to do before as I've been able to stay at home during the day.

Because of this new development, I think it would be best to take foster children who are at least in 1st grade. Although it's not impossible to be a foster parent who works full-time I think it would be difficult to do so, especially with younger children, because foster parents have to foot the bill for their day care (at least in my state).  Besides that, the time needed to take kids to weekly visits with their bio family and court hearings and lots and lots of doctors appointments or other appointments if they have special needs or need therapy or early interventions.- can really add up.

Case in point: I was going through some old papers and forms of Jack and Jill's (my two youngest children who were adopted from foster care after being in our home for over a year) and I calculated that in between the both of them I took them to 26 medical appointments- including early intervention/speech therapy- during the 16 months that they were in our care before being adopted- including at least one trip to the E.R. and a hospital stay at a children's hospital.  Those appointments did not include weekly visits with their birth family, team meetings, or court hearings.  It would be very difficult to arrange time off of one's work to attend all those appointments, visits, and meetings.  I was able to do it because I was a stay at home mom at the time.

Honestly, as I've remembered how time consuming weekly visits and regular check-ups are for children in foster care I start to get a little discouraged about taking any more placements.  Isn't our family busy enough with appointments of our own?!  

I know that for a lot of people the biggest fear they have about fostering is reunification and while that can be a very painful process, lately I've found myself having much more pragmatic concerns.  As we've debated whether or not to continue fostering I have found myself worrying more about the sheer physical time and energy it takes to transport a child to appointments and visits and court hearings.  We've already dealt with the pain of saying goodbye to foster placements before- some cases are much harder than others- but at this point any reluctance I have to taking any more foster children in our home is simply the devotion (time, energy, and love)  it takes to be a foster parent and to advocate for a child.

We got a call earlier this month about a little boy the same age as our little boy who needed to be placed.  The story of how he came into care is one that left me shaking my head and thinking, "Its just not fair what some kids have to deal with in life."  After getting more info on his case and realizing that his placement might be more of a temporary than permanent situation as kin were in the process of being tracked down, my children and I were allowed to visit this little boy at the temporary shelter he was staying at for the purpose of seeing if he would be a good fit with our kids and into our family.

Unfortunately, it became very evident at the visit that this little boy was overwhelmed and resistant to "coming home" with our family.  [Even though the transitional worker made it very clear to him that we weren't there to "take" him but just wanted to come and hang out for a bit].  Perhaps if I were by myself without my kids this little boy would have felt more comfortable- or maybe not.  Whatever his reasons, this innocent little child had already been passed around and suffered too much disruption since initially being placed into foster care a few short weeks ago.  Although we were willing to take him into our home, the team of case workers and other staff felt it would be best, given his response to meeting us, if he could go to a home where he could receive more individualized attention (perhaps less children in the home) as well as a home which would be open to adopting him in the case that a placement with kin didn't work out.

I hope that little boy gets placed in a home where he can get the care he so badly needs.  In the meantime, it inspired me to be a little more nurturing and attentive to my own children.

Jack & Jill's Second Permanency Hearing

OF COURSE I had to express my frustrations in this recent post about relatives of foster children coming forward late in a child’s case (as in 90-120 days or longer after the child has adjusted into a stable, loving foster home) to express interest in caring for the child(ren) on either a temporary or permanent basis.  Of course I had to say something because just five days prior to today’s court hearing I got a phone call from Jack and Jill’s caseworker informing me that since things aren’t looking good for their mother, a relative has come forward who is interested in adopting Jack and Jill despite the fact that this relative declined to take them into her home at the beginning of the case nor has she been involved in the children’s lives whatsoever for over a year now and perhaps most significant of all, regardless of the fact that these children have been in our home for 14 months now and that moving them would be extremely disruptive and cause them significant trauma- especially to Jill since ours is the only home she’s ever known. 

THANKS GOODNESS that upon learning this news DCFS’s attorney as well as the children’s Guardian Ad Liteum were both in immediate agreement that such a move would not be in the children’s best interest since this relative failed to meet coming forward within a 120 Day Timeframe and both children are already attached to our family.   Nevertheless, it is up to the judge to make the final decision. 

So when we heard this news about the relative coming out of the woodwork, we figured that the worst case scenario is that we would have to dip into what we’ve been saving up and setting aside over the past five or six years of our private adoption funds to pay for legal fees in order to fight for these children.  The best case scenario is that the judge would be more concerned with Jack and Jill’s welfare than with giving his bio family any more chances than they’ve already been given.  Fortunately, the issue didn’t even come up at today’s hearing which purpose was to determine if DCFS will continue to provide reunification services to Jack and Jill’s mother.

Incidentally, in the same phone call which Jack and Jill’s caseworker told me about the children’s relative coming forward, she also shared another huge development with me pertaining to their case which came as quite a surprise.  I may be writing about that development in the future- especially if it becomes a part of our story.

So what happened at today’s Permanency Hearing?  The judge agreed that DCFS’s Reunification Services to Jack and Jill’s mother would be discontinued and their Permanency Plan has been changed from Reunification to Adoption.  However, that doesn’t necessarily mean that we are guaranteed to adopt them, but rather, that the case is now headed in that direction.  Although services to their mother will be discontinued the judge would still like biweekly supervised visits to continue between the children and their mother. 

WHAT’S NEXT is another hearing scheduled next month where DCFS will petition the court to terminate their mother’s parental rights.  Even if the judge agrees with terminating parental rights, Jack and Jill’s mother will have time to appeal the decision which would mean yet another hearing.   Or there is the possibility that she could relinquish her parental rights all together and avoid a trial. 

More waiting.

Foster Children Being Adopted By Relatives

Uggh!  This story gives me a headache: Foster families hit with massive adoption fees following new ruling | KSL.com

 

Image courtesy Getty Images

 

What's worst is that it's in my own home state.

 

Let me start off by saying that I am not against relatives coming forward to be either a kinship placement for foster children on a temporary basis or on a more permanent basis should they choose to adopt the child(ren) or take the responsibility of legal guardianship.  HOWEVER, in "Mary's Ideal Child Welfare World" these two conditions would have to be met in order for that to happen:

 

1)  Such an adoption would be IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THE CHILD (rather than causing additional disruption and trauma to children who are already securely attached to their foster family in a safe and loving foster home)

 

AND

 

2)  Relatives need to come forward WITHIN 90 -120 DAYS of the Child being placed in custody.

 

90 Days for birthparents to track down a relative seems like an extremely reasonable timeframe to me.  By law, DCFS is REQUIRED to search for relatives of children when children are placed into foster care.  Kin take placement precedence over non-relatives.  Every foster parent knows this, which is why, in the past, when a child has been placed in our home I {try} to think of our home and family as a resource for a child to stay as an emergency placement for anywhere from a couple of days to a couple of months until they are able to be placed with approved family members.  It's usually after the 90 day timeframe that I stop holding my breath and think, "Okay- no relatives have come forward yet so it looks like they'll be staying longer."

 

Relatives came forward within the 90 day timeframe in the case of our former foster son "George" and in Ty and Ian's case.  And our family was okay with that precisely because the relatives were able to come forward and pass their background checks, get their homes inspected, etc. within 2-3 months.  It's when relatives come forward after the children have spent an extended amount of time in their foster home when I have issues with things.

 

This story of Liam & Jackson and their foster family stirs up some particularly sorrowful feelings inside of me because it takes me back to two years ago when our foster baby, Rose, was transferred from our care into the care of a relative who eventually adopted her after Rose's parents rights were terminated.  I have nothing personally against Rose's relative who is now her new mom but it's the fact that she came forward AFTER Rose had been in our care for almost a year.  If I read the article correctly, it sounds like Jackson and Liam have been with their current family for over two years now. 

 

 

Why move them?

Adopting A Waiting Child From Foster Care

If you have ever wondered how the adoption placement process for waiting children works (because I sure have), then I highly recommend reading this post from Attempting Agape:  Why Can't I Adopt a Young Child From Foster Care?? which answers the following questions:

-Why are there so few babies and toddlers available to adopt in foster care?

-How does a child become a "waiting child"?

-What are the placement preferences for families wanting to adopt a child through foster care?

Foster Care with Relatives

The purpose of foster care is family preservation so it shouldn’t be too surprising that half of the children we’ve fostered have been transferred from our care to the temporary or permanent care of their relatives.  This was the case with our last placement.

Supposedly there is a 90 day timeframe from the time a child comes into protective custody for relatives to come forward and express an interest in having the child placed in their home.  I’ve learned to look at the 90 day timeframe not so much as a statute, but as a suggestion; In other words, say a child has spent almost a year in their foster home and appears to safe, loved, and happily adjusted, but Uncle Bob- who lives ten states away and who’s never even met the child- comes out of the woodwork and decides he’d like the child placed with his family.  Who gets preference for placement of the child – the foster family or Uncle Bob?  In foster care, sometimes blood is thicker than what is in the child’s best interest so by law Uncle Bob as a relative gets preference over a non-related caregiver for placement of the child.   However, as I mentioned in my last update, just because a relative is willing to take a child doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be approved by the state to do so.

Sometimes we feel good about where our foster children have ended up and other times- not so much.  Fortunately, after meeting the relatives who would become Ty and Ian’s new kinship placement last week, I felt a sense of relief rather than worry.   I feel like these relatives aren’t just taking the boys out of obligation, but because they have a deep concern for their welfare.  In fact, these relatives had to make significant sacrifices on their part to take the boys which is why the approval process took so long.

I’m glad that the boys will have a mother figure and a father figure (or in this case a grandmother and grandfather figure) in their lives and although technically these grandparents are only grandparents to one of the boys [since they’re half-brothers] they are not strangers to either boys and they treat both boys as if they were their grandsons. 

When Ian’s grandfather saw me for the first time last week he walked up to me with tears in his eyes, embraced me, and said, “Thank You.” over and over. I wasn’t expecting that.  The grandma explained that they had not seen the boys in over six months and were obviously quite worried about their well-being.  I was surprised when they asked me how long the boys had been in my care, but then again, their son has been the one parent in this case who hasn’t even bothered to set up visits with his son, so maybe keeping his parents updated on their grandchild’s well-being isn’t at the top of his priority list.  

I imagine that the trickiest part about kinship placements is that as with all foster placements, the main concern is the children’s safety, but how can keeping the children out of contact with their parents when they’re living with relatives realistically be enforced?  I see this as the biggest problem with this particular kinship placement.  Although the boy’s caseworker could technically stop by their new  foster home anytime she wanted to, there is no way that she has the time to constantly “check up” like that.  The caseworker is aware of this as are the relatives.   

When I try to see things from the kinship placement’s point of view it must be difficult to have to say to one’s son (or brother or sister or cousin-whatever the case may be), “You can’t come near your kids except for your weekly court-ordered supervised visit- otherwise we both could get into trouble.” And by “trouble” I mean being charged with failure to protect the children in care and risk having the children moved to another home.  Certainly issues of divided loyalties and contentions would arise.

Aside from the fact that I feel confident the boys will be safe and cared for, the other good news is that the relatives, who live in a neighboring town, have invited us to keep in contact with the boys. I expressed my sincerest appreciation for allowing us to keep in contact, but I also explained, as I’ve had to before, that it would probably be best for the boy’s sake to wait a couple of months till they settle into their new environment before doing so. 

The 4-1-1 on #8 and #9

I haven't written much about our current placements, so here's an update:

-It's been a little over three months since they've been in our care, and now Ty and Ian will be leaving our home to live with some relatives (pending background checks) within the next month. 

-Usually when we get ready to say goodbye to a foster child we brace ourselves for the grieving process, but this time things are a little different.  As cute as they are, both boys have each needed a lot of individualized attention and it's been a lot of work (including MANY appointments).  Because of this, I admit that any grief at seeing them go is also mingled with a fair  amount of relief as well as some worry- mostly that their next caregivers will be as patient as possible with them and that they will follow-up with appointments and services for both boys, but especially for Ty. 

-Another reason there's not as much grief with this placement leaving is because although we didn't know what the permanency plan was until recently, this is the first placement we've had in which the Primary Goal listed in the Service Plan was Reunification (which it pretty much always is)  with a Concurrent Plan- or "Back-Up" Plan, if you will- of "Guardianship with Relatives" rather than "Adoption" by us as the foster family- which has been the case with all of our other placements.  So, when we learned that there were relatives in the picture it took away any of the emotional drama or speculation of a possible adoption out of the picture.

The only uncertainty in this particular case has been which relatives the boys would be placed with:  On one hand, just because relatives have the room in their house or a desire to care for a child who has come into foster care, doesn't necessarily mean that their home would be a suitable option or that they would be able to pass a background check and become licensed.  On the other hand,  just because someone can pass a background check doesn't necessarily mean they're the best option for placement (as is the case with the boys great-grandmother in her 70s who was very quick to be licensed- to her credit- but realistically is not the best option of a permanent caregiver for two young active boys).   On a related note, I found it somewhat flattering and yet disturbing when early on in the case Ty and Ian's mother expressed preference that her sons stay with me rather than being moved to the care of some of her relatives; nevertheless kinship options always take legal precedence over a non-related foster family of the child in care.

-Ty recently turned three and in addition to getting him into speech therapy and counseling we also had him evaluated and enrolled in Special Education Pre-School which he qualified for because of his speech delays.  I think pre-school will be a great benefit to him- not just academically speaking, but socially and emotionally, so I'm really hoping (along with his early intervention team) that his new caretaker follows through with taking him to school and keeping him up to date with all of his appointments.  Apparently, kinship placements aren't held to quite the same standards as regular foster placements, so say, for instance, that his relatives don't feel like taking him to pre-school or having him continue speech therapy, they don't necessarily have to.  

-Speaking of appointments, both boys are now caught up on all of their immunizations- [the ones their mother didn't object to them having, that is].  That's the ironic thing about being a foster parent- I have all of the responsibility for a child- but I have no rights.  I make sure their hair is washed every day but I am not able to clip a hair of their heads without their parent's permission.  I'm the one who takes them to the doctor or comforts them when they're sick during the middle of the night  but I can't prevent them from getting sick if getting them vaccinated is against their parent's wishes.

In addition to the responsibility of taking them to their weekly visits to see their parents I also have the responsibility of consoling a screaming child when their parents don't show up for a visit- again.  After one such visit when his mom was a no show, I had the additional responsibility of attempting to calm Ty down afterwards.  We stopped at the grocery store before returning home and he kept throwing the biggest fit.  I got a lot of judgmental "Why can't you control your child!" stares from onlookers and I just had to suck it up and thought to myself, "Please don't judge unless you know the whole story:  First of all, I'm not his mom.  Second, this child has every right to be angry/scared/hurt/confused because his real mom- the one with all of the rights but none of the responsibility- can't show up to see him just one hour once a week!"   What kind of a message does that send to this little boy?

As for Ian, who just turned a year old, he is (thankfully) too small to really comprehend or feel rejected if his mom doesn't show up for a visit.  As for his father [the boys have different dads] he hasn't even bothered to see him.  Not once. 

-Over the past couple of months Ian has learned not only to  walk but to RUN and CLIMB ONTO EVERYTHING!  Scrapes, bumps, and bruises are not uncommon in rambunctious toddlers, but they are particularly nerve-racking for me as a foster parent because I must document and report anything which might possibly be mistaken for abuse.  Fortunately, we only had one major climbing incident/attempt with Ian which resulted in him having to get two stitches.  His mom seems to like me and has learned to trust me, so thankfully she didn't make a big fuss (or any accusations) out of it.  I wish I could say that was always the case in such circumstances.

   

So that's the latest with our eighth and ninth placements.  We'd like to take a bit of a breather before saying "yes" to a tenth placement, as I'm feeling rather drained and burnt-out- How many times have I said that before?  We'll see what happens.

Plunge

Rose has been back with us for almost two months now.  She is 14 months old and has spent roughly ten of those months in our care.  Perhaps that’s the reason why whenever I drop her off to a visit with her parents (the visits they haven’t missed, that is) she immediately starts crying and reaches out her little arms to me.  It’s really awkward when that happens- especially when it happens week after week.   Not only do I instinctively begin to comfort Rose when she cries out and reaches for me by saying, “I’ll be back- go see your mama” in a consoling voice, (while nodding in her mother’s direction and placing extra emphasis on the word “mama”) but as soon as I see the dejected look cross her mother’s face at her daughter’s reaction I suddenly feel the need to offer some comfort to her, too. “It’s only because she spends more time with us.” I quickly explain to her and try to brush it off as no big deal so that she doesn’t feel any worse than she already does.

Last month when the question of how many more chances Rose’s parents will be given to get her back in their custody was being addressed, the CPS worker informed us that technically DCFS doesn’t even have to offer reunification services to parents.  (I’ve heard different things from different caseworkers and it would be convenient if there was an easy “one, two, three strikes you’re out” policy or answer, but each case is different.   Regardless of federal legislation, my state is very pro-reunification when it comes to child welfare issues).  However, in Rose’s particular case, it was explained to me that her parents will be given one more chance.  Certainly their histories and track records of both having children other than Rose previously placed into state custody and losing their rights to those children has some bearing on DCFS’s decision. 

If, after seven more months, her parents have completed everything required of them in their Service Plans, (eight months is the maximum amount of time our state ever likes to keep babies separated from their parents, unlike older foster children who could remain in foster care much longer) she will return to their care.  If not, it is possible that their parental rights could be terminated.

Her parents are motivated to get her back considering this is their last chance.  I would be, too.

Just a few weeks ago, it was very surreal when Rose’s caseworker [not the same one who was over her case the first time Rose was in our care, unfortunately- although I am beginning to like her new caseworker just as much as her previous one] asked my husband and I to fill out an “Intent to Adopt A Child” form, which, although not legally binding, basically provides DCFS with an official back-up plan of adoption should the case take that direction.  The reason for doing so was that, as required by law, kinship options had been explored, but so far there were no good options which is precisely why she was placed with us again rather than with a relative.  This also meant that in the event of TPR (Termination of Parental Rights) we would be able to adopt Rose.  Even so, I didn’t even want to entertain thoughts about the “a” word just yet or even TPR for that matter to avoid too much of the fost-adopt roller coaster. 

Well, yesterday I took a huge nausea-inducing PLUNGE while riding the fost-adopt roller coaster:  As Rose’s caseworker was making her required monthly home visit she took a deep breath, raised her eyebrows, and cautiously announced, “There’s been a change of plans. . . .” 

 

I braced myself as she proceeded to tell me that a relative has come forward who initially thought that taking Rose as a kinship placement wasn’t do-able but has since “changed her mind.”  This relative is the same woman who had supervised visits for Rose and her parents in her home last year as Rose was transtitioning back into her parent's care, so she has already passed a background check and the only thing standing in the way of getting her home study approved and her licensing requirements finished is time. 

“How soon will Rose be leaving?” I asked the caseworker and as soon as I said the word “leaving” my lips immediately started quivering and the tears started forming in my eyes.  I apologized for not being able to keep my composure but the caseworker assured me there was no need to apologize and that it was totally understandable.  In fact, she confessed to being a little more than perturbed about the timing of everything and how Rose’s case seemed to be unfolding lately and apologized for having to be the bearer of bad news. 

Although there is no definite answer time-frame wise (is there ever any predictability in foster care?) it’s possible that Rose could be leaving us (again) within a month or two, rather than in the spring, as initially expected. 

The reason this relative, who I will refer to as “Tia”- decided not to foster Rose the first time she came into care, is that she is a single mom who works full-time.  It just didn’t seem feasible.  However, her work schedule has changed so that she works only four days a week now- instead of five, which allows a little more flexibility for taking Rose to visits and appointments.  My next obvious question for the caseworker was “So who’s going to watch Rose while Tia works during the day?”  “Daycare.”  she answered.

I don’t have anything personally against Tia- she is a very nice woman, and I know she sincerely cares for Rose.  But I’m just left wondering, “Why now?”  “Why did she have to decide to become licensed after Rose has had almost a year of attaching to us and becoming a part of our family?”

Is it really in Rose’s best interest to be moved from the family who’s cared for her for two-thirds of her life and whom she is securely attached to into another home- especially when her new primary caregiver isn’t even going to be around to care for her most days because she’ll be at work?  Not only will Rose have to adjust to her new home environment but to her new daycare providers as well.       

I was still trying to soak in everything Rose’s caseworker had just told me (I still am), but I had one additional question for her to answer:

“If Rose’s parent’s rights are terminated, is Tia interested in adopting her?”

Rose’s caseworker nodded her head in the affirmative.

A Permanent Family for Precious

After our first weekend with Precious I called our RFC to give her an update on how things went.  Among other things I told her “I think Precious would do best in a family that has either no children or where she is the youngest child with no children close to her age.”

 “Are you still willing to have her in your home as an emergency placement until a permanent foster family is found for her?”  She asked with concern. 

“Of course” I answered.

I went on to explain that the truth of the matter is that if we didn’t already have any children, we would pursue things with Precious as a permanent foster/adoptive family- despite all of her issues.  But the bottom line is that our daughter’s needs come first, which is precisely why we were willing to take Precious as an emergency placement but not willing to commit to being her permanent foster family (and possible adoptive family).  The girls are just too close in age and there is just too much conflict- it’s not a fair situation to either of them.  Precious needs a family who can give her a lot of individualized attention.

My husband and I both agreed that although we want another child more than anything, Precious is not the best fit for our family and vice versa.  So if I know that in my head why do I feel so guilty in my heart about the prospect of her leaving to another family?  I think it has something to do with this quote which another foster mother recently shared:

 “There is an instinct in a woman to love most her own child - and an instinct to make any child who needs her love, her own." ~Robert Brault

Five days after Precious was placed in our care our RFC planned on presenting Precious’s case in a meeting in an attempt to find a permanent foster family who would be the best possible fit for her.  On the one hand, I wanted her to be placed as soon as possible because I knew that the longer she stayed with us the more attached everyone would become to each other and the harder it would be to say goodbye.  On the other hand, such an important decision shouldn’t be rushed.

 As relieved as we were at the prospect of Precious leaving and that our home could be back to “normal” again we were also deeply concerned for her and prayed that her new foster family would be as patient and nurturing as possible.

At the end of the workday on the fifth day that Precious was with us our RFC called us to report that as soon as they had narrowed down a list of foster families to be prospective placements for Precious and were about to start making phone calls, they received word that some relatives had stepped forward who were interested in doing a kinship placement.

Fortunately, these relatives live in our State so there would be no ICPC delays or complications and they were expected to be able to pass their background checks with no problems. 

So the next question on our minds was:  How much longer will Precious be in our home?  The biggest question in foster care [whether in regards to the next meeting, court date, or in this case, transition to another foster home] is  always “WHEN?” or  “HOW SOON?”  

The answer we were told is that it is possible that she could leave our home within a couple of days or she he could stay with us until the beginning of next week.  Of course, one of the earliest lessons I ever learned as a foster parent is that things seldom go as planned.

We were relieved to hear that Precious would be able to stay with relatives rather than strangers.  In fact, before hearing about the relatives and this kinship placement I called a transitional therapist to get her advice on how we could make the transition to her new foster home a little easier for her.  I know that Precious was only with us a week, but that’s seven days of attachment and routine.  My biggest worry was that she would feel rejected.  It almost felt like what a disrupted placement must feel like since I had so many contradictory emotions like worry and guilt and relief all jumbled inside of me at once.

Preparing to Say Goodbye to George

This week I took George to his first transitional visit to meet his relatives who will become his new foster family, (and most likely his permanent family through adoption.) If it’s not confusing enough to try and explain to a two-year old “Meet your new mommy and daddy” this visit took place shortly after he had a visit at the DCFS office with his “other” mommy and daddy. The judge still insists that George have visits with his first caregivers despite the fact that he will not be returning to their care.

I was very anxious to finally meet George’s new parents and they seem very nice, a little nervous (who wouldn’t be!), but eager to embark on this new adventure of welcoming a little boy into their family. Incidentally, they don’t even know George’s birthmother personally, but can easily track how they are related. George’s new parents are fairly young and have no children and both work during the day, so it looks like George will be spending a lot of time in day care. Fortunately, they are both going to be able to take off a week off of work to help bond with George which will hopefully give him a better sense of permanency.

I brought a detailed list to the visit of George’s routines and likes and dislikes and a couple of concerns they should be aware of in the hopes that the transition can go as smoothly as possible for everyone. The caseworker is planning on having one more visit next week before moving him into his caregiver’s care for good over the weekend. There was the option of having them take him for the weekend for a “trial run” and seeing how things went from there, but it would probably be far too confusing for George to spend a weekend or overnight with them and then get shuffled back to us.

Besides his adjustment to his new home, my other biggest concern about George leaving has been how our daughter will react. I was extremely relieved that she seemed to be okay with the prospect of her foster brother going “home” sooner than we expected when I first mentioned it to her. We originally told her that we would be babysitting him until the summer, so when I told her that he would be leaving soon and asked how she felt about it she candidly answered, “That’s okay because then he won’t step on my toes or push me.” Most of the time they’ve gotten along well but they’ve definitely had their squabbles, too- just like “regular” siblings. Squabbles or not, she's going to miss him because a couple of days ago when I brought it up again, but put a time frame on his deaprture- that he would be leaving next week- I think it made it more real to her and in between sobs she would say, "But I don't want him to go to his parents!" 

I think this placement has been a lot harder on our little girl than our previous placement because she’s had to compete more for attention and toys, etc. Maybe at this point in time a baby would be a better fit for our family. We’ve fostered a pre-schooler before, but then again we didn’t have any other children at the time so we were able to focus all of our attention solely on his needs.

Speaking of which, I hope that the fact that George’s relatives don’t have any other children will be a big asset in terms of being able to spend one-on-one time with him and showering him with all of the love and attention he needs. Let the bonding begin!

Molly's Back in Foster Care

A couple of weeks before my surgery I got a call from our Resource Family Consultant (RFC) telling me that Molly "might" be coming back into foster care.

MIGHT? What does that mean?!

Our RFC didn't really know any other details at the moment but she said that DCFS was trying to "explore all their options" and were putting "back-up plans in place". They just wanted to make sure that Jared and I were still willing to take Molly as a placement if it came to that.

"OF COURSE!" I told her. She then told me that DCFS would know more about the situation in a couple of days and then they'd be able to make a decision. She promised she would contact me either way- whether Molly came back into custody or not.

A couple of days passed and I didn't hear anything. I tried to remain calm on the outside but inside I was speculating like crazy. I tried to convince myself that no news was good news even though deep down I was frustrated and antsy that nobody had called me back. And of course, Murphy's Law applied to the situation: our RFC happened to be going out of town for about a week so even if I did try to call for more info I wouldn't be able to talk to her anyway!

Although I was extremely stressed I got the feeling that I should just "let things slide". So I tried to be patient, brush things aside, and busy myself with other things, but Molly was on my mind constantly.

The week after my surgery I couldn't wait any longer so I called our RFC back. I was hoping that she had just forgotten to call me back which turned out to be the case and she apologized profusely.

"Can you tell me if anything happened with Molly's case?"

"Yes" she said. Then she took a minute to track down her notes.

"Molly and her brother were placed," she continued . . .

(long pause while looking for the info)

. . ."Here it is" . . .

"with a maternal relative".

I wasn't expecting to hear that.

"WHEN were they placed?" I asked next.

"Let's see . . ." (more pausing)

"August 5th. That was just 2 days ago".

I started feeling a little betrayed, helpless, and even defensive that she had been placed without us even being told a thing.

"Aren't WE supposed to have first priority in taking her as a placement?" I asked, surprised at how defensive I sounded.

Our patient RFC explained that we do have first priority UNLESS there is a relative who is available. And THIS TIME there happened to be a relative who was willing to come forward and take both children (Molly and her little brother) and pass a background check and get approved by DCFS. (When Molly was in our care the first time, no relatives except for her birthfather's parents were interested in stepping forward. Even so, DCFS didn't feel comfortable placing her with them)

"But . . ." our RFC continued, "If things don't work out with this relative, then you will definitely be contacted."

I felt like a runner-up in a contest being given a consultation prize.

It didn't matter that my husband and I were the ones who cared for Molly for nine months of her life (from the time she was 4 months to 13 months old) or that she had at one time been attached to us in a safe, loving home.

None of that matters because we're not blood relatives, we're just lowly foster parents and as such we have no legal rights to this child or any say in the matter. Such is Foster Care!

I asked for Molly' caseworkers number to see if she could give me any more details. The caseworker was very nice but explained pretty much the same thing, "I can't really tell you anything- Sorry."

"Can you at least tell me how she's doing?" I asked.

"Oh sure- she's doing just fine." she casually answered.

So that's all I know about Molly: She's back in foster care, but not with us, and she's doing just "fine". Whatever that means.