Adoption Mommy Wars: International vs. Domestic, Newborn vs. Older Child, Foster Care vs. Private

Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas while my husband and I were out shopping, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t we just adopt a child from Syria?”  His statement was due, in large part, to the current and ongoing refugee crisis and a result of reading and viewing horrific news almost daily about families forced to flee their homelands for safety.  My husband obviously knows that there’s no such thing as “just” adopting, but he was expressing his solution to a need.

“It’s not that easy," I began, “to adopt a refugee child.”  I continued to share what I have learned over the past couple of years on the topic:

‘It’s actually against U.N. Regulations to adopt refugee children from many countries because there has to be proof that no relatives exist.  That is a process which could take years.”

I continued, “The purpose of fostering unaccompanied refugee minors, however, is not to adopt but to help the youth adjust to a new culture, learn the language, and basically learn whatever skills are necessary for them to live independently as an adult.”

I purposely stressed the word “fostering” because providing refugee foster care is a topic I have discussed with my husband on more than one occasion over the past couple of years.  More than once I have contacted the director of an agency in my state which contracts with Catholic Community Services to provide foster homes for unaccompanied refugee minors.  I grilled the director with many questions about the requirements and training process to become a foster home and even the backgrounds of the youth who are available to foster.  This director was gracious and more than happy to answer all of my questions.

After much discussion, my husband and I decided that although fostering unaccompanied refugee minors is something that we would like to do in the future, for various reasons the timing is not right for our family right now.

My husband became angry after my response about not being able to adopt refugee children so easily.  He wasn’t angry at me, mind you, but at the inequality which some people (namely refugees and orphans) must face.  He retorted with a rhetorical question: “Then what good is it for a child to languish in an impoverished camp when there are homes who are more than willing to take them in?!”  Sometimes I wish more people were like my husband- when he sees someone in need or marginalized in some way he becomes very driven to make the situation fair.   

It was ironic that the month my husband and I had our aforementioned discussion was December- Christmastime- and there was also a feature story in Time Magazine about the lives of four different babies born in the war-torn region of Syria.  There will be further issues which follow up on how each baby and their families are faring.

Below is one of the covers of the magazine and I specifically remember that as I saw the picture I couldn’t help but think about another little baby boy from the Middle East wrapped in swaddling clothes over 2,000 years ago whose family was turned away because there was “no room in the inn.”

Doubtless there may be some reading this post who are thinking, “But why are you worried about children from across the world when there are hundreds of thousands of children right here in the U.S. foster care system who need homes?”  This brings me to an observation I’ve made about some members of the fostering/adoption/orphan care community (and I have to admit, I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself at times):

I've noticed that sometimes people feel so passionately about a cause that they assume everyone should feel the same way- or perhaps they feel that a cause they are drawn to should take precedence over other similar causes. Of course this happens in a very general sense with a variety of issues but what I’m talking about specifically is those who have fostered or adopted from foster care and feel that their route to helping children or adopting is more noble or worthy than, say, a private domestic adoption.  Or those who are so concerned about orphans around the world that they push for international adoption but don’t focus on foster care adoption.  Which cause is “right” or "wrong”?  

In my opinion, anytime someone feels inspired to help another human being [especially children- who are the most vulnerable of humans] then it is a worthy cause.  Period.   Therefore, domestic adoption is right.  International adoption is right and worthy.  Foster care adoption is a right and worthy pursuit as well.  It’s not a contest or debate between which cause is worthiest or which way is best.  I do, however, feel strongly that certain individuals feel “called” to very specific types of adoption based, among other things, on what is best suited for their family.  Allow me to share an example:

I have a friend who is a mother to six children- more than one of her children has special needs (including Down Syndrome) and two of her children were adopted.  This friend, Rebecca, has become a huge advocate not only for adoption but for special needs adoption because of her family’s experiences.  I might add, her adopted children are a different race than her biological children so she’s well versed in the complexities of inter-racial adoption issues as well. I was delighted to learn that Rebecca is in the process of adopting an older child with special needs from China.

A major motivation for Rebecca advocating for the adoption of special needs children in China is the realization that many of these kids with special needs (which covers a huge definition and range of circumstances) run the risk of aging out of their orphanages as young as 14 years old and then they are left to live in an institution.  If these same children were able to live in the United States or another country they could have access to so many services not available to them, not to mention they could live in a FAMILY rather than an institution for the remainder of their lives.

Back to the point of this example: Shortly after Rebecca publicly announced her family's plans to adopt from China (Rebecca’s sister is also in the process of adopting an older child from China- how neat is that?!) she answered a Frequently Asked Question because she has learned from her experiences that people are bound to make judgments.  Although I love Bek’s humor and frankness in answering the question, I also thought it was very sad that she even had to say anything explaining or "justifying" her family’s plans to adopt:

Q. Why China? Aren't there enough kids in America that need homes? (unspoken, and sometimes spoken- "that seems selfish").

A. (Unspoken, sometimes spoken). None of your business! Actually, as Mak and her family are learning, being an "out loud" family means questions or comments are part of the package. Teaching moments abound. Why China? I don't know. Really. One year ago I had never spent ten seconds thinking about China. Every family is different. For my family, that's where our kid was.

I don't know any family that goes into adoption without thinking long and hard about what works for them. It's pretty personal. I know some people who have always dreamed of adopting from there. I bought a bubble blower that I happened to hand to a boy. A few other factors for us is that we live in a place that has lots of mandarin speakers, restaurants and close friends who are Chinese. Our boy won't lack for people to help him transition. Our cousin lives in our apartment and is not only the best auntie around, she also speaks mandarin!

And.. there ARE lots of kids in our country that need homes. If you have seven hours I can have that conversation with you. Kids in our foster care system often have lots of trauma before they are available for adoption. Not everyone is equipped to parent that kind of need. And the very last thing that is good for kids is to have a placement disrupted because no one was properly prepared. So, if you are going to float that question with anyone (especially me) the first thing I will ask you is either how many kids from foster care that YOU are adopting or I will ask something very intimate about your sex life. Like a person’s sex life, choices on building a family belong only to the people involved. Mostly, people are curious. And that's ok! It's fun though to play around with the crunchy people.

I happen to feel very passionately about foster care.  There is such a need for good foster homes.  However, I would never pressure anyone into fostering because it’s hard work and it’s not for everyone.  But like I mentioned before, I have been guilty myself of judging others for not recognizing the need of providing children in the United States with temporary or permanent homes.   Allow me to share one example:

A couple years ago a dear friend of mine visited Africa as part of a humanitarian trip.  As part of the services rendered she was able to visit an orphanage.  She immediately fell in love with the children she saw, especially those with special needs who could benefit greatly from advanced medical care and early intervention services available in the U.S.  Before returning home from her trip she confided in me that, as crazy as it sounded, she wanted to bring home one of the babies from the orphanage to adopt- Literally.

Of course, when I heard of my friend's plans I was like, “Whoa, Nellie!  I know you have contacts over there, but what agency do you plan on going through?  Is it a Hague Accredited Agency?  Otherwise, you could legally run the risk of human trafficking regardless of how worthy your intentions might be.  Adoption isn’t a process like picking out a puppy from a pound and taking them home.  There is a LOT of paperwork involved, research, and how are you going to get a home study approved so fast and background checks for all members of your family?”

My friend is extremely compassionate so her desire to bring relief to the orphans she interacted with came as no surprise to me.  After all, who wouldn’t be moved to bring home a child from an orphanage after visiting, right?  It was the way my friend was approaching the situation, rather than her desire to help, that concerned me. And here’s where I started to feel somewhat judgmental towards my friend (because I’m human and not perfect).  I thought to myself, “If she wants to adopt a child or provide an environment and opportunities to a child that they would not have otherwise why is it that she has to go halfway around the world to do that?  There are literally over 100,000 children in the U.S foster care system legally freed for adoption who would benefit from being in her home and in her family.  Are these kids not exotic enough or special enough?”

Fortunately, I recognized that I was being judgmental and so I settled down and just left it at “That’s AWESOME that she had a life-changing experience.  She wants to make a difference.  Good for her!”  And, in case you’re wondering, she didn’t end up adopting an orphan but she does have additional humanitarian trips planned in her future because of her experiences.

My point in sharing these stories and experiences is that it really is rather silly to argue about which path to adoption is best or most needful.  Every family or individual’s decision to adopt is a very personal one.  It’s kind of like- [going back to the plight of refugees, as I first started off my post]- when I see people getting into heated political arguments about “Which is better- to use our tax money to support homeless veterans or to provide relief for refugees?”  My personal feelings is that it’s not an either/or situation- how about BOTH!

So the next time you hear someone expressing a view (or you find yourself expressing a viewpoint) about which is “better/more needful”- adopting a child from another country, adopting domestically, adopting an infant, or adopting an older child- perhaps we can remember that ALL of them are wonderful options!

Interview With Taylor Talks: A Shared Love

Taylor Krigsman is the only biological child in her family of foster and adoptive children.  Taylor's family started fostering when she was just three years old so she shares her unique perspective of having nineteen siblings over a period of eighteen years on her blog, Taylor Talks.

In an effort to introduce more people to foster care Taylor has done some interviews with foster parents on her blog.  My interview with her is being featured on her blog today.  You can check out the full interview HERE.  The first couple of questions I answered had to do with demographics- where I'm from, how long I've been fostering, if I've adopted, etc.  That info can basically be found in the About Me section of my blog.

The last four questions Taylor asked me were ones which I wish I had asked foster parents when I first started fostering.  Here are those questions with my responses below:

Q:  What were your biggest concerns as you started your foster care journey?

A: Without a doubt the biggest concern about fostering that my husband and I both shared was the pain of reunification and heartache of having to say goodbye to a child.  I have learned that you have to put the child’s needs above your own fears in that regard.  Another foster mother who blogs, Angie, put it beautifully when she said, “I am not afraid to grieve.  I am afraid of what would happen to those children if no one took the risk to love them.”

Q:  What is the biggest lesson you learned from being a foster parent?

A:  The biggest lesson I continue to learn through fostering is not to judge our foster children’s bio families.  People generally do the best they know how and many of the reasons for a child’s removal- addictions, abuse, neglect, etc.- are so cyclical in nature.  If I had been raised in the same kind of environment that many of my foster children’s parents came from then I would have many risk factors stacked against me.

Q:  Anything you would change about your experience as a foster parent?

A:  I wish that we would have taken a sibling group sooner.  For many years we were cautious about fostering more than one child at a time which prevented us from taking any sibling groups.  Although we’ve only fostered two sibling groups so far I’ve found that there are advantages to fostering siblings and perhaps the greatest advantage is that they are able to help each other adjust to their new environment and not feel so “alone”.

Q:  Words of wisdom for future foster parents?

A:  It can be very hard not to do at times, but try not to think of your foster children’s bio parents as “the enemy”.  Instead, remember that you are not just helping a child but you are a resource for an entire family unit.  In many cases, these families don’t have the support many other families have (such as relatives or friends who are suitable to step in and care for their children).   Even if you feel like you don’t have much in common with the parents of your foster child, you can find unity in your shared love for their child.

400 Facebook Fans Giveaway Winner

According to Random.Org The WINNER of my recent Giveaway is Entry #6 . . .

which happens to be . . .

Alice Anne is the mother of two boys- 4 years and 4 months old- who joined her family through adoption. And guess what?  Baby Boy #3 is due sometime THIS MONTH.  Wow!

I hope Alice Anne and her family enjoy God Found Us You and Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born.  They are two wonderful books about adoption which are specifically geared towards little children.

Thanks to everyone who entered the giveaway- perhaps I'll have another one when I reach 500 Facebook Fans. :)

How Much Do Foster Families Get Paid?

I've shared my feelings about doing foster care for the money in the post In It For the Money but I recently came across two articles which are MUST-READS for anyone who has honestly ever wondered "How Much Do Foster Families Get Paid?" and especially for anyone who might erroneously believe that foster parents take children into their home solely for the money.

A shout out to Megan for this well-written article she recently wrote for adoption.com, How Much Do Foster Parents Get Paid?

I Foster For The Money by Jill Rippy of The Foster Life had me chuckling at the beginning and quickly sobered me into silence the next moment.

The bottom line is that foster parents do not get "paid".  They are reimbursed for the costs it takes to care for the children placed in their homes which may or may not cover the actual costs.

To view reimbursement rates by U.S. state click here.

It does take money to care for children, but TIME and LOVE are other equally important sacrifices a family should take into account when considering what it takes to welcome a foster child into their home.

LDS Family Services No Longer Doing Adoptions

A Little Background:  LDS Family Services is the agency we went through for our first adoption.  I've written about them here and  here.  Overall our experience with LDSFS has been positive- especially when our family was involved with the adoption advocacy group Families Supporting Adoption, which was sponsored by LDS Family Services but which has (sadly) dissolved over the past couple of years.  Thankfully, another advocacy group, United For Adoption, with the same purpose as Families Supporting Adoption is quickly gaining momentum.

Last month as I was grocery shopping my phone buzzed and I got a message from a very active member of the LDS Adoption Community referring me to a news article announcing that LDS Family Services would no longer be doing adoptions.  Even though I've known that this would be coming for a few years now, I still felt very sad to learn that it was now "official". 

 

My husband and I feel very fortunate that we were able to use LDS Family Services- a social service agency administered under the direction of our Church- for our first adoption because it greatly subsidized the costs for us to adopt a child.  I know that for many other LDS couples, adopting through LDS Family Services is the only possible way they were able to afford to adopt a child.  Adopting through LDS Family Services is 10% of a family's gross annual income- not to exceed $10,000 whereas other private adoption agencies can range anywhere from $25K to $40K. 

 

Incidentally, I chuckled to myself when I read the title of one article announcing the recent changes:  "Mormon church drops adoption business".  Adoption is not, nor has it ever been, a "business" for the LDS Church.  The word "business" implies that money is made but the truth is that the Church loses money on each adoptive placement through LDS Family Services. 

 

Because LDS Family Services falls under the administration of Humanitarian Services/Welfare Services of the church the first explanation I heard about why Families Supporting Adoption (FSA) and adoptions through LDSFS would be coming to a halt is the costliness of adoptions.  From a cost/benefit analysis adoption is a very noble cause but could $25,000 be spent to benefit more than just one family but perhaps an entire village or community through projects such a building wells to provide clean drinking water or to build a school or start a farm in an underdeveloped area?  In other words, what would be most beneficial to the greatest amount of people? 

 

The second reason I heard for LDS Family Services stopping adoptions is simply the fact that less women are choosing to place their children for adoption.  This is evident by the number of prospective adoptive couples signed up with LDS Family Services (or any adoption agency for that matter) in contrast to the number of unwed mothers who choose to place their children for adoption.

On a related note, not all expectant parents who go through LDS Family Services for support choose adoption, nor are they required to do so.  Some, like a high school friend of mine who became pregnant shortly after we graduated from high school, choose to parent but still receive support from the agency.  (I know this because I accompanied her to a support group on one occasion).   Basically it is the role of LDS Family Services to provide resources to single expectant parents and help them explore their options but they will respect and support whatever decision is made- whether that decision includes to parent or to place.  This is exactly what David McConkie, the current group manager for adoptions for LDS Family Services, said in another article:  "We are trying to expand our services to that group [single expectant parents] and let them know that whatever their choice, we will help them as much as we can to be successful- whatever their choice may be."

 

Of course there has been speculation that LDS Family Services is getting out of adoptions because they don't want to feel "forced" to place children with homosexual parents against their religious conscience, as has been the case with other religious-based agencies such as Catholic Community Services, but none of the articles I read or any of the spokespeople for the agency cited that controversial issue as the reason for this shift in focus.

 

So what does this mean for adoptive couples who have been waiting to adopt through LDS Family Services?

 

Well, the good news is that the changes didn't go into effect immediately when the announcement was made, but will take effect at the end of this year OR when a couple's Home Study with LDS Family Services expires.  Hopefully this will give at least a couple of months for many of the roughly 600 prospective adoptive families to come up with alternative plans.  Since LDS Family Services will no longer be a child-placing agency they will no longer be doing home studies for adoptive couples but they will continue to provide counseling to adoptive couples. 

Services to expectant parents and birthparents will basically remain unchanged.  It is my understanding that LDS Family Services will continue to offer support and counseling as they always have, but since the agency no longer does home studies of adoptive applicants they will refer birthparents to other reputable adoption agencies.   Birthparents will still have access to profiles of prospective LDS adoptive couples online through the itsaboutlove.org website. 

 

Speaking of which . . .  just for fun  I looked up our profile on itsaboutlove.org this morning and discovered that after five and a half years of waiting to adopt this time around with LDS Family Services our family made it to the TOP 15 of couples who have been waiting the longest to adopt!  That is, out of 561 families currently listed on itsaboutlove only 2% have been waiting to adopt longer than we have.)  Too bad it's not a contest to see how long you must wait to adopt because Top 2% sounds pretty impressive if I do say so myself! 

By the way, I can personally vouch for two families in the "Top Ten" who have been waiting to adopt longer than we have- Jo is my childhood friend and I met Doug and Marianne at an adoption conference four or five years ago and instantly liked them.  Any child would be lucky to be in either of these families.  Seriously.

 

One major advantage of having to wait more than five years to adopt is that it gives you more time to explore other options and save up money.  Because of this, our family has continued to stay licensed as a fost-adopt family through our state and we have not entirely given up inquiring about waiting children.  We feel fortunate to be able to be signed up with two other adoption agencies in addition to LDSFS including Premier Adoption and Forever Bound Adoption which was founded by Steve Sunday, a very reputable adoption professional who has had over 30 years of experiences heading adoptions with LDS Family Services and who currently sits on the Board of Directors of Utah Foster Care.

This change in LDS Family Services adoption services is not the end of the world for our adoption hopes but I know that other prospective adoptive couples going through LDS Family Services have been absolutely devastated by the news that LDSFS will no longer be a child-placing agency.  My heart truly goes out to these families.  In answer to the question I posed earlier: what does this mean for adoptive couples who have been waiting to adopt through LDS Family Services?  These families who have been using LDS Family Services must now find another adoption agency or pursue an adoption with a lawyer but no agency involvement (which means they'd have to network like CRAZY to find a birthmother who is in a position to place a child).  Or they could always pursue foster adoption through their state, look into domestic adoption, pursue infertility treatments (if that is an option for them and if they haven't already exhausted their financial resources and/or health in the process, that is) or simply give up.  None of these options will be easy.

Because I'm slightly biased in favor of providing foster care regardless of if the outcome is adoption, I did offer up this piece of advice in an online forum to any who find themselves in such a position:

"For any hopeful adoptive couples out there who may not be able to afford the costs of a private agency outside of LDSFS and who have ever considered it, I would strongly encourage you to look into FOSTERING or FOST/ADOPTING THROUGH YOUR STATE which is not only FREE but more importantly can make a huge difference in the life of a child! Here's the link to a downloadable Prospective Foster Parent Packet from Utah Foster Care: http://utahfostercare.org/beco.../prospective-parent-packet/ and here is a link to finding more info about fostering in other states: http://www.adoptuskids.org/.../state-adoption-and-foster...."

 

Any other thoughts on the changes with LDS Family Services and adoption?

A Safe Haven Miracle & Hope For Abandoned Babies

A few months ago I was deeply disturbed to read a local news story of a woman who had {allegedly} killed six of her newborn babies and then hidden their remains in her garage.   (A seventh baby was found but was a stillborn.)   “WHAT IN THE WORLD was going through this woman’s mind to do something so heinous?”  I wondered. 

The emotions in my mind as I read that story were similar to what I felt when I came across the account I wrote about previously of a “discarded” (but living) baby in China- only this local case seemed much more bizarre and tragic considering there were multiple casualties, including the mother herself.  (Because let’s face it- nobody in their right mind could possibly do something like that.  And although mental illness, deep personal issues, and a lack of support never excuse someone from taking innocent lives, God is the only one who truly knows what drove this woman to take such a horrific path not just once but several times.)

Stories of child and infant abandonment, abortion, or child abuse and neglect in general always strike a particularly sensitive chord within me as an infertile woman and an adoptive and foster mother.  I’m aware of so many families who would give anything- and some who have given everything- to have a child or bring another child into their family.  Doubtless others who heard the disturbing news story also thought, as did I “Why couldn’t this woman have handed the babies over to the care of someone else or anonymously taken them to a hospital or fire station?”  Enter Safe Haven Laws.

Q:  What exactly is a Safe Haven Law? 

I like this definition from the Child Welfare Information Gateway:

A:  “Baby Moses laws” or infant safe haven laws have been enacted as an incentive for mothers in crisis to safely relinquish their babies to designated locations where the babies are protected and provided with medical care until a permanent home is found. Safe haven laws generally allow the parent, or an agent of the parent, to remain anonymous and to be shielded from prosecution for abandonment or neglect in exchange for surrendering the baby to a safe haven.”

The first safe haven law in the U.S. was enacted in Texas in 1999.  Currently, all 50 states, including the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, have Safe Haven Laws which protect babies from abandonment and infanticide.   For specific state statutes refer here: https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statues/safehaven.cfm

Brenda Horrocks is an adoption/foster care buddy of mine who recently shared her story of how their little boy, Spencer, came to be a part of their family.  Spencer was a Safe Haven baby and I thought Brenda’s words in this recent radio interview about the women, including her son’s birthmother, who use Safe Haven Laws to save their babies were very wise, especially considering the fact that all too often people (myself included) are quick to pre-judge women who may be faced with such a desperate situation.

Of her son’s birthmother’s decision to use the Safe Haven Law Brenda says:

“We know how much she loved him and just so thankful that she was able to make that hard decision for him because she was not at that time or currently in a place where she could be a parent.

There would have been no way for her to really make an adoption plan because she probably didn’t even know where to go for that ‘cause she was on her own.  This is a situation where she could give him what she felt like he needed and there in the hospital she had support- there were people there who could help her whereas outside in the world there wasn’t anybody.”

Of women faced with crisis pregnancies:

“Making this choice doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.  Making this choice to keep your child safe and healthy and get them a happy life in this way is good parenting and that’s being a loving mother.  I think too often there’s too many voices out there saying how awful these women and girls are who hand their babies over or place their babies for adoption in the traditional sense. They look at them as bad people and they’re not- they are making the hardest decision anybody would ever have to make.”  -Brenda Horrocks

Click HERE to see a video clip of the Horrocks advocating for Safe Haven laws (and to see what a darling boy Spencer is).

In light of the gloom of the horrific story I recounted at the beginning of this post, I would like to share three short and inspirational clips, which, like the Horrocks family’s story of their last adopted child, focus on the HOPE that can come from what could have been tragic circumstances and beginnings for babies.

 Grab some Kleenexes.





 This last clip is the longest of the three but well worth seven minutes of your time.  Although it is technically a commercial it is based on a true story.


 *TO FIND OUT WHAT THE SAFE HAVEN LAWS ARE IN YOUR STATE, (including who can relinquish a child, at which locations, and up to what age), CLICK HERE *

HB 225

Sunday night amidst Super Bowl commercials (I readily admit I wasn’t paying much attention to the game) and letting the sad news of the Josh Powell murder-suicide sink in, my husband and I composed an e-mail to our local representatives about a bill of  concern to us as foster parents: HB 225 which, among other things, proposed to list the names of foster parents on DCFS’s public website.  After we sent the e-mails I was happy to learn from a foster parent’s advocacy group the names and contact information of the nine other representatives on the Health and Human Services Committee who were scheduled to vote on the bill Monday afternoon at the legislative session at our state’s capital.    

Here is a copy of our letter:

Our family has fostered six children in the state of Utah over the past six years.  Our decision to become foster parents was influenced by the assurance that our personal information would be kept confidential.  For the majority of our foster placements, the policy of keeping our personal information confidential has been a safeguard to our family due to the fact that many of the birthparents of our foster children have had allegations, criminal records, and/or mental diagnoses which would be a safety concern to our family- especially to our children- if our private information were to become available to them.  In one case, the caregivers of our former foster child were tied to a highly organized and widespread crime ring. In fact, they were being tried under federal RICO charges.    

There is already a great shortage of families willing to provide safe and nurturing homes to children in state custody.  HB 225 has the potential to prevent many currently licensed foster families from continuing to provide foster care and could hinder potential foster care providers from becoming licensed in the first place due to similar privacy and safety concerns.

Please respect the rights of those who provide foster care to our state’s children by keeping private service provider’s information just that- “private”- by voting against HB 225. 

Respectfully, (Our names)

I was pleasantly surprised to receive a response from two of the legislators I contacted (even though one was an automated response) and even happier to learn early on Monday evening that HB 225 was amended so that our personal information will remain private, thanks in large part to other foster parents who made their voices heard- such as Mama Lark who expressed her “Heartburn” and concerns over the proposed bill in this blog post.

Another proposed bill, HB 237,  which affects the rights of foster parents and their foster children was brought before my state’s legislature yesterday, but for the sake of length I will save my thoughts on that bill for a separate post.

Andy's Clan Adoption Fundraiser

Wanna know a pet peeve of mine about adoption? That it can be so darn expensive!

In fact, my friend and fellow adoptive mother, Sheyann, [author of Andy's Clan] addressed that specific issue in this post. As I read what she wrote on the subject I found that many of her thoughts echoed my own.

Jeremy, Sheyann, and hopeful big brother Andy have been hoping to adopt for a couple of years now and are now raising funds for their next adoption through a clever fundraising idea you can read about HERE.  Spread the word!

Guest Posting: FAQ About Foster Care

Today I am guest posting on my friend Amanda's blog, Punkins in Love. 

Amanda is an adoptive mother and as you will see by her header her two boys are STINKIN' cute!  Both her children have open relationships with their birthmothers and their families so Amanda knows a thing or two about open adoptions.  Unfortunately, Amanda and her husband also know firsthand the heartache of going through a failed prospective placement, a subject which she may write more about  in the future. 

Besides being a mother Amanda is also a nurse and a runner- she has run the Ragnar (more than once) which automatically makes her go up a few extra notches on my "Awesomeness Scale".  I admire anyone who not only trains for but finishes such events.

Head on over to Punkins and Love to see my answers to Ten Frequently Asked Questions about Foster Care. 

P.S. This guest post totally counts as one of the (at least) six posts I wanted to post before National Adoption Month comes to a close!

Mama Mania Panel

Mama Lark has invited me to be on a year-long weekly panel of foster moms on her blog.

Click HERE to meet the panel members of “MAMA MANIA.”

I look forward to learning something new from each of these women as they offer up a different perspective unique to their own experiences!

Week one of the panel started today. Click HERE to read. Enjoy.

FAQ about Foster Care

Fellow adoptive mother Marianne has asked me to guest post HERE today.
I answered some Frequently Asked Questions about Foster Care.

Spreading Sunshine

I figured it's an appropriate time to spread some sunshine since I'm trying to soak up the last few weeks of summer before it slips away.  (Plus, if I don't force myself to sit down and finish this post RIGHT NOW it may never happen!)

As promised, here's a little more about the blogs that received the Sunshine Award from me last month:

Popp Life-  What I admire about Maggie, the foster mother and author of Popp Life, is that she shares the good, the bad, and the ugly that come with being a foster parent so that others can better understand the process.  Even when things aren't so rosy [she and her husband are currently coping with the heartache of a disrupted placement, for example] she is able to maintain a positive attitude and keep things in perspective.  I might add that Maggie is a former caseworker which would certainly be beneficial to seeing both sides of the story.

I was particularly touched when Maggie shared a post about comforting her foster children who were upset about being in foster care.  She reassured them that they were more than "foster kids" in her eyes and in God's eyes.  It's evident that she and her husband are able to separate the actions of the children they foster from the children as a whole- What a great skill! 

Maggie and her husband are willing to open up their home to older children and sibling groups (something my husband and I have yet been brave enough to do!) and they don't let lack of space keep them from taking placements.  Kudos, Brian and Maggie! 

The Happiest Sad- Jill is one of the most articulate birth mothers I know of.  She's also smart enough to know that you shouldn't end your sentences with a preposition (but I'm sure she'll excuse my previous sentence anyway).  Jill has been chronicling her personal story on her blog mostly for her birthdaughter "Roo", and "to make sense of things", and to let others know that birthmothers have their baby's best interest in mind when they make the difficult decision to place.

I love that she uses humor in the midst of such serious topics.  For example, regarding people's judgments and ignorance about her decicion to place her baby for adoption, she says:

"Excuse me, but I didn’t give her away. I didn’t put up an ad on Craigslist, “I’m giving away my baby, does anyone want her?” I placed her for adoption, but I certainly didn’t and wouldn’t ever give her away. I gave her a family"

Another educational post about grief after placing is here.

I also have to commend Jill for her exhaustive list of couples waiting to adopt which she updates and organizes by State.  

One last bit of interesting information about Jill- she is also currently hoping to adopt . . . (a husband, that is).

Feigning Fertility- Ashley became a mother for the first time through the miracle of adoption and she became a mother for the second time (fairly  recently) through the miracle of assisted reproductive technology.  Ashley is extremely open with her experiences and she can be hysterically funny with her bluntness.   For example, the sidebar/intro to her blog reads what you can expect from her blog:

"the thoughts and experiences of a blunt woman who has found the blessing of motherhood through adoption and fertlity treatments. Different process, same basic feeling of sitting in a room with your nether-regions exposed for all the world to evaluate".  Hilarious.

Ashley did a great job answering the question "Can you love an adopted child as much as a biological child?" in this post and she explored the topic of adoptees connecting with their biological families in this post.

I love what Ashley had to say about mothers in this post:

"Motherhood is an action. Sure, it can be the actual giving birth and raising of a child but what life has taught me is that what makes a mother isn't the child looking like you or genetics. It's how you love that child.

Time has taught me that just because your arms don't hold a child doesn't mean you're not a mother. Even if you've held the child in your arms and don't right now, you're still their mother because your heart is full of love for them.

So if your arms were empty yesterday my heart goes out to you. You are a mother because your love for your child makes you one."

Stare If you Must-  Felicia had me at the clever title of her blog.  As a mother of seven children-two of whom were adopted through the foster care system and one adopted internationally, Felicia has surely had her share of stares, judgments, or ignorant comments about her large, transracial family. 

Speaking of which, I loved what she had to say regarding race in this post:

"I really don't care if folks stare at us either, I know that for the most part they are curious.  I don't mind if they ask questions either.  What I do mind is when they choose to say negative things to us in front of my children.

Yes, that has happened. We have been accused of taking our children from their culture and how they won't be raised right. Well, I'm not sure what my children's specific culture would be, my little ones are black, Puerto Rican and white. I hope she doesn't want me to raise them to be in jail like their dad. Honestly, I think of them as Americans.

Ah, but I am not naive. I know that there are things that they need to learn as black children in America. I know that they will have difficulties  and will be judged based on their skin tone.  They need to be prepared for that.

Sometimes it is hard because I don't see skin tone, I see my children. I wish that the rest of the world did too."

Felicia has also brought up her experiences unique to explaining adoption to children adopted from foster care, the loss of biological siblings of her  foster and adopted children, and  ironically, racism in her Guatemalan daughter.

I appreciate the honesty she pours into her writing about such delicate subjects.  And as if being a mother isn't a big enough job, Felicia is also in the National Guard (She's one mama who actually does wear combat boots!) and she is going back to school to earn a Master's Degree and teaching certificate in Special Education.

Four Kids and Surviving- This is the only other blog (besides Ignore the Crazy) written by someone I actually know IN REAL LIFE!  Shannon and I lived together and worked together as missionary companions for our Church over ten years ago.  We lost touch, but thanks to Facebook and blogging I was able to catch up on her life and I was especially excited to learn that she adopted her three children through foster care. 

After Shannon and her husband tried to have children for five years with no success, Shannon felt inspired to move to another state and become a foster parent.  She and her husband got their first placement- a sibling group of three- just days after they had become licensed and that is how she was led to her children.  Some people do actually find their children through their very first foster placement!  Shannon's story starts here and it's pretty amazing. 

Each Day Brings a New Adventure- This blog is written by someone who is "doubly" affected by adoption: Amanda was not only adopted, but she is also an adoptive mother who has a great appreciation for open adoptions.

Not every account of reuniting with birthparents has a happy ending, but Amanda's account of meeting her birthmother Lori will give you chills- she wrote about it as a guest blogger on the r house in three parts beginning here.  For further reading see "Layers".

 

Ignore The Crazy-  Rebecca is a former roommate of mine so I may be a little biased in choosing her blog.  She has adopted two African American children who complement her blond-haired, blue eyed girls.  Her youngest daughter was born with Down Syndrome and her adopted children have special needs as well.

One of the most significant things Bek has said about adoption is

"Adoption is loss and trauma. Even when it is "right". It's also ok for my kids to love and miss their other mom-- no matter who she is or what she does. You DONT have to wrap it up in a nice package with a bow. Relationships are messy and weird and useful and fulfilling--even the hard ones."

Rebecca is thankful for open adoptions and although she recognizes the importance of telling her children their adoption stories, she also feels bittersweet about the sad and hard parts that can be part of their adoption story.  See this post to read more.

Andy's Clan-  Although I've never met Sheyann in "real life" I feel like we've been life-long friends.  Sheyann is not afraid to be herself and there is no pretense in her writing which drew me to her blog in the first place.  She and her husband are parents of a darling little boy, Andy; (hence the name of her blog) whom they adopted and they are hoping to adopt again.  Sheyann freely writes about the frustrations surrounding infertility, the adoption process, and preparing to do foster care.  Did I also mention that she is a registered nurse, a photographer, a chef, and she can sew too?  I think I just found me a SISTER WIFE! (A little bit of Mormon humor; and for clarification, No- we no longer practice polygamy)  

Where the Wild Things Are-  Heidi and her husband Tim take an active role in promoting adoption and foster care (Yes, Heidi is the same Heidi  I refered to in my last post).  The Naylors have adopted four children,  the latest of whom came to their family last year as a result of them searching through their state's Heart Gallery of Waiting Children.  I love reading about how each of their children was divinely placed into their family in the Lord's timing, after much waiting.  You can read their story here or full story here.

Adoption is Full of Miracles-  Megan & Shane are such big advocates for adoption that in addition to their "regular" family blog they have kept their adoption website up for the purpose of promoting adoption and highlighting other families who are hoping to adopt.  Change of Heart is a recent post of Megan's which I found particularly poignant and you can read more about their latest upcoming adoption miracle here.

Adoptee Voice- Why don't more men blog?  Peter is a gifted writer who shares his perspectives as a Korean American adoptee and explores issues of international adoption and transracial families.  It was from his blog that I learend that Korean adoptions will be halted in 2012.  Unfortunately, Peter's blog is on hold and understandably so  as he is busy with graduate school and has recently undergone some family tragedies.  The good news is that he is considering making a book out of his experiences with adoption.

In My Life- Kylee is a teenager whose family has fostered over fourteen children, including her two adopted brothers.  Kylee seems far wiser and more mature than her seventeen years as she shares her passions for foster care and orphans.  She  also recently spent some time in Peru at an orphange.  Very commendable.

Sunshine Award

A couple of months ago as I was catching up on my blog reading I was surprised to learn that I received a BLOG AWARD from one of my "original" adoption blogging buddies, Brenda Horrocks.

Then, a few days ago I was both happily surprised and humbled once again to receive the SUNSHINE AWARD from the Thrifty Momma herself, Paula Schuck.

It is now my turn to "pay it forward" and bestow the Sunshine Award on blogs I find particularly noteworthy.

But first, allow me to take a moment and brag about BRENDA:

Brenda is a huge advocate for adoption and foster care.  She and her husband Brad have a beautiful family created through adoption and they have served together as Co-Vice Chairs on the Families Supporting Adoption National Board. 

Ever heard of Matching Mondays?

Brenda is the heart behind that campaign aimed to encourage others to adopt children from the U.S. Foster Care System. 

See this clever graphic?

Yup, that's attributed to Brenda, too from another great blog of hers.

Needless to say, Brenda is pretty amazing.  THANK YOU, Brenda for your friendship and inspiration.

AND NOW-  on to the awarding!  Drum roll, please . . .

NOTE: My personal interpretation and criteria of a blog deserving of a "Sunshine Award" is not necessarily one that is happy and chipper all the time, but a blog that leaves me feeling either enLIGHTened by a different point of view or something new I've learned and/or WARMED by someone's example of compassion, hope or humor.  And since this is my adoption blog versus my "regular" private blog the following blogs are all adoption and foster-care related:

Popp Life

The Happiest Sad

Feigning Fertility

Stare if You Must

Adopt to Love

Each Day Brings a New Adventure

Ignore the Crazy

Andy's Clan

Where the Wild Things Are

Adoption is Full of Miracles

Adoptee Voice

In My Life

Thank you, fellow bloggers, for bringing me sunshine! 

If you feel so inclined to pass the Sunshine Award on to others here are the Official Rules as listed on Brenda's blog:

1. Post picture on your blog or in your post.

2. Link to the person who gave you the award.

3. Spread the sunshine to 12 blogs (or however many you wish to award).

Stay tuned for a longer post in the future (one which I started a long time ago but haven't quite finished yet as 12 blogs are a lot to review!) where I'll explain exactly why I love these blogs.

My Worth as a Woman

Last month I was talking to a group of women about children and the topic of "how many to have" came up.  One woman who has her hands full with three young children very close in age shared that although she wanted more, her husband was "done" after having two.  Then she started laughing as she pointed to her grinning toddler (#3) and exclaimed, "She was an accident!" 

WHAT I WOULDN'T GIVE FOR AN ACCIDENT!   In my case, however, "miracle" would be a more appropriate term.  Are children accidents or miracles?  I guess it all depends upon one's life experiences  and perspective.

Don't get me wrong, the woman who told me about her "accident" is a great mother and I don't sense any resentment on her part because of her children, but as I was listening to her and holding my foster baby (and wishing I had a baby to call my own) I just had to smile at life's ironies- because sometimes smiling or laughing is better than the alternative.   This gem of a quote comes to mind:  

Growing up I always wanted to have a large family- six or seven kids.  Perhaps it's because I enjoyed growing up in a family of seven children and the concept of large families is not uncommon or unusual in the Mormon culture I was raised in.  Between my six siblings and their spouses there are 36 grandchildren, which is, on average, 6 children per family.  And in my opinion, six is at the "low end" of a large family as nine or ten children seems large to me.  One friend I grew up with had 13 brothers and sisters- no multiples, no adoptions- her mother had given birth 14 times.  Her mother had spent  over ten years of her life being pregnant!

I had a roommate in college who came from another large Mormon family of ten children and when she was comparing her family (in a bragging way) to another friend who came from a family of "just" five children his quick-witted response to her was: "My parents were going for QUALITY not QUANTITY." 

Of course, that's not to say that you can't have BOTH- the Duggar family comes to mind.  They've gotten a lot of slack for having "too many children", but I am amazed at how well-behaved and clean all of their children are.  And seriously, have you ever seen Michelle Duggar raise her voice?  She's got the patience of Job.  

As I got older and married at 25 (an "old maid" by some Mormon standards) and discovered a couple of years into married life that conceiving children was not something that would come easily for me, my hopes of having a large family were diminished with each passing year of childlessness.  I also always assumed I would become a mother for the first time in my 20's rather than my 30's but I have learned that "life is what happens when you've made other plans." 

I also realized that I had a hidden belief in the back of my mind that the more children I had, the greater my worth would be.  This is an illogical belief as it basically suggests that women who are not mothers are worthless.  Can you imagine someone saying "Yah, that Mother Theresa sure is a loser because she never had any children of her own."  Think of all of the wonderful women out there who may not be mothers in the traditional sense of the world but who nurture and teach and guide children every day of their lives- whether it be teachers who spend more time in a day with children than their parents actually do or counselors, caseworkers, nurses, etc. 

Any woman who has based her worth on her ability to be a mother but has felt that she has "fallen short" can take comfort in these quotes:

"The commonest fallacy among women is that simply having children makes one a mother- which is as absurd as believing that having a piano makes one a musician." 

-Sydney J. Harris

"Motherhood is more than bearing children. It is the essence of who we are as women.

                            -Sheri L. Dew

"You need not possess children to love them; loving is not synonymous with possessing and possessing is not necessarily loving. The world is filled with people to be loved, guided, taught, lifted, and inspired."

               - Heber Kapp     

BOTTOM LINE: A woman's worth should not depend on if she is able to be a "mother" or not.

So, although I know in my mind that my worth should not be dependent upon having children or of having a certain amount of children, in my heart I still feel like a failure at times because I don't have a house full of half a dozen children like I had ideally imagined. And when I meet or read about people like Michelle Duggar or this woman (both of them home school their children, too!) I find myself both envious and in awe.

Here's how two other Mormon women who have struggled with infertility have described it. Sadly, both of these women use the word "failed" to describe their experiences. But I love how both of these women are so honest with their feelings and I feel compelled to share their thoughts because when I read what they had written I could so strongly relate to them and I felt like I WASN'T ALONE:

From Kim's post Are You There God, Its Me, Margaret?

Lately, I've really been wondering... "What is Normal?" "I just want to be normal!"

I bawled my eyes out two weeks ago when once again, my body failed me. I cried for two hours until my eyes were dry and sleep finally overcame me. 

I want to be normal. I want to be like all of the other happy little families taking up an entire row at church with their six kids.

I want to FILL up the car we bought a few months ago...really. Today as I was driving my car...it just felt, EMPTY.

From Kenna's post Infertility: Its What's for Dinner:

 I have failed as a woman, as a wife, as a Mormon, as a productive member of society. I had applied to be part of the exclusive 'Mom's Club' and I got a rejection letter with a huge 'F' on it.

Imagine sitting in sacrament meeting. You are on a bench in the middle. To your right? Mom, Dad, 2 kids. To your left? Mom, Dad, 3 kids. In front of you? 2 pregnant women, 2 newborns. Behind you, Mom, Dad, 2 kids. All around you? Mom, Dad, kid. Then, as you are trying to calm your feelings of hurt and loss down (by chanting in your head, 'I have new couches and a big ass tv'), you hear that there are going to be 3 baby blessings. Sunday school you talk about the importance of teaching your children gospel principals. Every one either has a baby on their lap, or is pregnant. Relief Society, well, we won't go there because I don't go there.

So where am I at this point in my life in regards to basing my worth on having children?  I turn 36 this year and my husband and I are celebrating ten years of marriage this month.  We have been blessed with a beautiful daughter through the miracle of adoption and we are extremely grateful.  I occasionally have to remind myself that "quality" is more important than "quantity" when I compare my expectations with reality.  BUT . . .  in my state of mid-life crisis induced pity:

 Is it too much to ask if I can just have more than one child before I turn 40?!

Thanks for letting me share. :)

Feeling Lucky

Remember the giveaway for the book I mentioned in this post?

I WON!

(Book Review Coming Soon)

I guess it pays to stalk blogs (adoption and foster-care related blogs are my personal favorites) because yesterday as I was getting caught up on my reading I discovered that I had won yet ANOTHER GIVEAWAY which happens to be the fourth giveaway I've entered & won on an adoption-related blog in the past couple of months! (the first being here and the second being here)

[In my defense, I don't sit around all day long and read blogs, but I readily admit that taking a few minutes each day for blogging (both reading and writing) serves a much needed and welcome break from dishes, laundry, meal prep, bottles, diapers, play-doh, coloring books, etc.]

My latest lucky win is a CD called Little Clair de Lune: Lullabies on Harp (how angelic!) by the talented Emily Hinchey.

Let me tell you why I'm so excited about this CD:

*I love lullabies

*I love the sound of harps.

*I love it when little ones are peacefully sleeping.

*And I love the song Claire de Lune (which, among other things, makes me think of the ending scene in Ocean's 11 when they are looking at the lights of the Bellagio, but I digress). . .

Needless to say, I am going to LOVE listening to this CD, as will any other babies or children that come into our home.

But the BEST PART is that Emily is donating some of the proceeds from her CD to a charity that improves the conditions of Orphanages in Bulgaria. What a beautiful cause.

Thank you, EMILY, for sharing your talents to benefit others.

And Thank you KENNA and KIM for your giveaways!