Reflections on Instant Family

I finally got around to seeing Instant Family and I thought it was a good blend of accuracy and humor in portraying what foster-adoptive families experience.

Rather than give a complete plot summary, here are some scenes and themes I’d like to share which stood out to me in particular, as someone who has fostered and adopted children through the foster care system:

Fantasy Children vs. Reality Children- In a training class prior to becoming licensed foster care providers, members of the class were asked to do an exercise in which they drew their “fantasy” children on a chalkboard.  The social workers teaching the class instructed the foster parents in training to immediately erase their envisioned fantasy children and to prepare themselves for whatever comes next.

I think the theme of expectations versus reality is a universal one that almost anyone can relate to.  Sometimes the most difficult thing to do in life is to let go of our expectations, relinquish any perceived control of how we think things should turn out and accept- or make the best out of- what actually comes our way.

When applying the concept of control and predictability to fostering, I think many foster families or pre-adoptive couples may be set on only fostering or adopting children who are a certain age or gender (Or in the case of the movie’s character October, are looking specifically for a black, male, athletically inclined child who can get a full football scholarship, reminiscent of The Blindside).  It can be difficult to try to broaden preferences at the risk of getting out of one’s comfort zone and venturing into the unfamiliar.  However, Pete & Ellie did just that as they inquired about a teenager available for adoption- something Ellie initially openly verbalized against doing.

Foster Parents Supporting Each Other- The best source of support is someone who has been through the same thing or been in a similar situation; Therefore, I think that the best source of support and understanding for foster parents are other foster parents! 

Throughout the movie, Pete & Ellie meet in an adoption support group with other couples and individuals.  Although each couple’s reasons for wanting to pursue foster adoption was unique: some felt “called”, others were struggling with infertility, another couple was gay and thus couldn’t procreate, they all shared the desire to welcome children into their families.  It was humorous when the gay couple commented something to the effect of, “We’ve been trying to conceive for years with no success!”

I was particularly touched in one scene towards the end of the movie as the adoptive families had shared their personal struggles with each other and got to know each other better, when the gay couple announced to the group that their upcoming adoption would be official and the first people to go up and hug them was a conservative Christian couple, whom at the beginning of the training, showed through their body language, disapproval or discomfort about the gay couple adopting.

Once we take the time to get to know each other, it becomes evident that we all have more in common than we don’t have in common.

The Honeymoon Period- Speaking of holding on to a sense of “control” or predictability, I think some parents are under the false impression that if kids are well-behaved or turn out all right, then it is a direct reflection on their competency as a parent or caretaker.  Wrong! 

Pete & Ellie entered one of their support meetings with an attitude of “Hey- We have this under control- the kids aren’t acting out.  Things aren’t so bad!” and the other more experienced foster parents in the room were laughing or had smirks on their faces because likely, they had experienced the phenomenon referred to as “The honeymoon period” in which everything seems peachy-dandy with a placement.  The reality, however, is that a foster child’s behavior has less to do with structure and discipline of the home or parenting style, but everything to do with a mode of survival. 

Most people would think ‘It’s great that these kids aren’t acting out!” and admittedly, that is much easier than the alternative and it makes for a much more peaceful environment.  But it’s actually when the child starts acting out that they feel safe enough to do so.       

  

I recall the shock my husband and I went through when the honeymoon period ended with our first placement, who was typically a delightful preschooler.  When, after about three weeks of being in our home, he started being less delightful and talking back and complaining, we were worried.  I believe it was another more experienced foster parent that explained to us, even though it was hard, “That’s actually a good thing- he feels safe enough to be himself without the fear of any harsh consequences!”

Parentification- It was obvious that Lizzie, the oldest child of the sibling group Pete & Ellie were fostering, had taken upon herself the role of “parent” to her younger brother and sister, Juan and Lita.  It was interesting to observe the struggle it was for Lizzie to give up that parenting role and let her foster parents take over, especially when she knew her siblings better than Pete & Ellie did.  Equally of interest to observe was the conflict of loyalty Ellie felt with letting her foster mom be a “mother” to her without somehow betraying her own mother.

Ongoing Struggles with Adopted Children- I was very touched by the guest speaker the social workers invited to speak at one of the trainings the adoptive couples went through at the beginning of their training.  Brenda was an articulate and inspiring young woman who had a history of neglect and abuse, including being traded to her mom’s drug dealers for drugs, if I remember correctly. 

Brenda was accompanied to the meeting by her adoptive parents and spoke to the class about what it meant to her to be adopted as a teenager after spending years in foster care.  This young woman was so inspiring and I think that sometimes adoptive parents are under the impression that ‘There’s nothing LOVE can’t fix!” and that once a child is adopted it’s going to be the beginning of happily ever after.  The reality is that adoption does not erase the early experiences and traumas that a child had been through.  Neither will adoption erase a child’s genetics or predispositions. 

Later in the movie when Pete & Ellie are going through a rough patch with their teenage foster daughter, Lizzie, they seek out Brenda’s adoptive parents for some hopeful advice and direction. It was heartbreaking to hear Brenda’s adoptive mom share that her daughter was back in rehab when Ellie asks where she is. But I loved the mom’s retort to Ellie’s disappointment (the slap in the face was unexpected and humorous as well)!  Like a protective and loving Mama Bear, Brenda’s mom says something to the effect of “But look at where she came from and how far she’s come!”  A great reminder that unless we’ve been in someone else’s shoes we have no right to judge.  It’s also a good reminder that, as I mentioned earlier, no matter how stellar a parent is, adoption does not erase a child’s predispositions or former traumas.  This can be particularly frightening to accept when a baby or child is born addicted or exposed to drugs as addiction has such a strong genetic component, as well as when there is severe mental illness on one or both sides of a child’s family lines.

Conflicting Feelings About Birthparents- This is such a real struggle for foster parents!  Honestly, it’s one of the hardest things, other than the grief of reunifications, that I’ve had to deal with while fostering. 

At one point in the movie’s storyline, foster mother Ellie says to her husband, “She looks so normal.” regarding their foster children’s mother when they meet for a visit.  Ellie recognizes that their mom is just that- a mom who loves her children.  Yet it’s hard to think of someone who would endanger their children as “normal” or sometimes, even deem them worthy of having a relationship with their children.  After all, this woman set the children’s home on fire from a lit crack pipe!

But behind someone’s criminal history or case file is a person.  It’s harder to judge someone when you look them in the eyes and meet them in person.  I also think it was telling that the children’s biological mother was also a product of the foster care system as one of the caseworkers remarked, “She never learned how to appropriately care for her children.”

In another support group meeting Rose confesses to feeling guilty for wanting her kid’s biological mother to fail- especially after all of the work she and her husband have gone through to care for these children and open up their home to them.  I’ve been there and have felt guilty for thinking the exact same thing.  It’s such a difficult task as a foster parent to recognize that family preservation is the goal while also noting, “Look at what these kids have been through and look at the life we could give them!”

Overall, I would highly recommend the movie Instant Family to anyone over 13 (the PG-13 rating was appropriate) and I am grateful that the director chose to draw on his life’s experiences to highlight the crucial, yet often overlooked issues of fostering and foster care adoption.

How Do You Know When You're "Done" Fostering?

The last week of summer which morphed into the first week of school, we watched a six-month-old baby boy in our home for a foster family who went out of town.  I was actually surprised that our RFC called to ask us about watching a baby because we've gotten rid of most of our baby things and I had to borrow a Pack-N-Play so that the baby would have somewhere to sleep.

 It was a lot of fun for our kids to have a baby in the house to dote upon, but I'm starting to feel too old for middle of the night teething and feedings and lugging car seats around.  In fact, when I got information from the baby's foster mom, including visitation times and locations, I realized that I'm literally old enough to be this baby's grandma as his mother is certainly young enough to be my daughter.  It's not that I necessarily consider myself to be "old" in my 40's- I'm just not "young" anymore and I think since I have younger children people assume that I'm younger than I am.

 During a middle of the night feeding, I calculated (with the help of this blog) that this is the 20^th foster child to come into our home and the 11^th baby.   This caused me to do a lot of reflecting and I found myself asking, "Am I done yet?"  "Do we keep fostering?"  I wasn't sure if I was asking myself or asking God- or perhaps both, but those were the questions on my mind.

Some additional questions helped me to come up with some answers, or at least to fine-tune how I felt about things:

"What was your purpose or motivation for fostering in the first place?" 

"Do you still have room in your home?" 

"Do you still have the energy and health?"  

"Do you still have the same passion for fostering as when you first                              started?"  

As for motivation or purpose, some people foster to adopt and others foster simply to foster- because they know there is the need and they want to help children.  Both are worthy purposes.  In our case, we felt "the call" to open up our home to children not knowing what the end result would be but hoping it might end in adoption.  We ending up being able to adopt a sibling group placement after nine years of fostering.  And after that miraculous adoption was finalized it was a very tempting possibility for us to say, "Okay- we're done.  Someone else can take a turn now."  But something kept us from closing our license.  Maybe it's just because when you've done something for so long it becomes a part of you or maybe it's because we know all too well that there is a shortage of good foster homes.  

As for the answers to the other questions: "Do you still have the room?"  Some families may have the desire to foster or to keep fostering but they can't because there literally isn't room- they are filled to capacity for their license or they don't have the space for a child.  As for our home, it might be a little crowded but we can make room for one or maybe two more children.  "Do you still have the energy and health and motivation?"  Hmmm- that's debatable and not anything necessarily new to consider as both my physical health and motivation wax and wane.  I think at this point in time my biggest concern is "How will bringing more children into our home affect the children already in my home?"  

I think, for the most part, having other children come into our come has been an enriching experience for my children.  But I also know that I need to meet my own children's needs before I meet the needs of any other children- that's where my first responsibility lies.  And even though I have "just" three kids (because I'm aware there are much larger families out there!) giving each of them the individualized attention they need and chauffeuring them to lessons and practices and appointments keeps us busy enough.

Unfortunately, I still don't have a definite answer to the question of "Am I done yet?"  "Do we keep fostering?" but we did decide after our last respite placement that we will no longer be fostering babies.  If we do decide to keep our license open for another year we will be focusing on older children (at least school-aged) or respite placements.  In the meantime, I'll be focusing my efforts on our three children and graduate school and my internship and trying to find some occasional time to volunteer in my children's classrooms.  I think that's plenty to keep me busy for now.  

Relicensing

Tomorrow our licensor is coming to do a walk-through inspection of our home as we have decided to renew our foster care license for another year.  It's funny because when we first started fostering we would cross our fingers to get placements where there was a high likelihood of us adopting them, but now, twelve years later, and with three permanent children to call our own in our home, our preferences have changed.  I think this is the first year where we've told our licensor and RFC that we are interested in fostering but not necessarily adopting.

The first obvious consideration in deciding whether to open up our home to more foster children or not is physical space.  Our family is growing and kids take up space-especially as they grow!  We currently have room for two more children in our home & cars but we're starting to feel a little cramped.

Another important consideration in taking a placement is what ages would work with the kids in your home.  At this point in time my husband and I both feel more comfortable with not disrupting the birth order of our children.  Because of that, we prefer children no younger than our youngest and no older than our oldest.  I miss caring for babies and toddlers even though they are a LOT of physical work.  However, one advantage of fostering babies and younger children is that cribs and toddler beds take up a lot less space in rooms than "big boy" or "big girl" regular beds.  I think I might actually cry when we get rid of the last spare toddler bed in our home. 

I have also recently learned that beginning next fall I will be working twice a week to get hours for my CSW license.  This has necessitated arranging day care for our two youngest children when I'm not at home- something I've never had to do before as I've been able to stay at home during the day.

Because of this new development, I think it would be best to take foster children who are at least in 1st grade. Although it's not impossible to be a foster parent who works full-time I think it would be difficult to do so, especially with younger children, because foster parents have to foot the bill for their day care (at least in my state).  Besides that, the time needed to take kids to weekly visits with their bio family and court hearings and lots and lots of doctors appointments or other appointments if they have special needs or need therapy or early interventions.- can really add up.

Case in point: I was going through some old papers and forms of Jack and Jill's (my two youngest children who were adopted from foster care after being in our home for over a year) and I calculated that in between the both of them I took them to 26 medical appointments- including early intervention/speech therapy- during the 16 months that they were in our care before being adopted- including at least one trip to the E.R. and a hospital stay at a children's hospital.  Those appointments did not include weekly visits with their birth family, team meetings, or court hearings.  It would be very difficult to arrange time off of one's work to attend all those appointments, visits, and meetings.  I was able to do it because I was a stay at home mom at the time.

Honestly, as I've remembered how time consuming weekly visits and regular check-ups are for children in foster care I start to get a little discouraged about taking any more placements.  Isn't our family busy enough with appointments of our own?!  

I know that for a lot of people the biggest fear they have about fostering is reunification and while that can be a very painful process, lately I've found myself having much more pragmatic concerns.  As we've debated whether or not to continue fostering I have found myself worrying more about the sheer physical time and energy it takes to transport a child to appointments and visits and court hearings.  We've already dealt with the pain of saying goodbye to foster placements before- some cases are much harder than others- but at this point any reluctance I have to taking any more foster children in our home is simply the devotion (time, energy, and love)  it takes to be a foster parent and to advocate for a child.

We got a call earlier this month about a little boy the same age as our little boy who needed to be placed.  The story of how he came into care is one that left me shaking my head and thinking, "Its just not fair what some kids have to deal with in life."  After getting more info on his case and realizing that his placement might be more of a temporary than permanent situation as kin were in the process of being tracked down, my children and I were allowed to visit this little boy at the temporary shelter he was staying at for the purpose of seeing if he would be a good fit with our kids and into our family.

Unfortunately, it became very evident at the visit that this little boy was overwhelmed and resistant to "coming home" with our family.  [Even though the transitional worker made it very clear to him that we weren't there to "take" him but just wanted to come and hang out for a bit].  Perhaps if I were by myself without my kids this little boy would have felt more comfortable- or maybe not.  Whatever his reasons, this innocent little child had already been passed around and suffered too much disruption since initially being placed into foster care a few short weeks ago.  Although we were willing to take him into our home, the team of case workers and other staff felt it would be best, given his response to meeting us, if he could go to a home where he could receive more individualized attention (perhaps less children in the home) as well as a home which would be open to adopting him in the case that a placement with kin didn't work out.

I hope that little boy gets placed in a home where he can get the care he so badly needs.  In the meantime, it inspired me to be a little more nurturing and attentive to my own children.

Special Needs Parenting Preparation & New Challenges

Background

Over the past ten years we've fostered children with various special needs including drug addicted babies going through withdrawals, toddlers and preschoolers with speech and motor delays requiring early intervention services and therapies, and children who, for a variety of reasons, had trouble regulating their emotions.

As foster parents we felt it was our job to provide all the nurturing, stimulation, and support we could in order for these babies and children to get "caught up" on their developmental milestones, learn to adjust, or, in the least, to help them feel that they were in a safe enough environment before any other changes could take place.  I have certainly come to understand that survival takes precedence over thriving- not just in a child's brain development but in the way I care for children who have special needs.*

After we had done our "job" with these children and they would be returned to live with their families or relatives, we could only hope and pray that their caregivers would continue with services or have the appropriate tools, if not support, to meet their children's needs.  In a few cases we've been able to keep in touch with our foster children and their families to see how they're doing but in most cases we have not been able to do so.

It's only been over the past couple of years that our role has changed from taking care of "other people's children" with special needs to becoming the full-time legal parents to not just one, but two children with special needs as we ended up adopting a sibling group of two of our former foster children.  These children are now our children, and as such, it has presented us with some new challenges.

"But They Look Just Fine"

I think that one of the hardest parts about being a parent to a child with special needs is when they look like "typical" children in their appearances. What I mean by that is that if you were to see someone in a wheelchair you would automatically know "They have an injury or disability- that's the reason they aren't walking and are using a wheelchair to get around."  Or if you were to see someone with down syndrome it would register with you, "I can tell by their facial features that they have down syndrome; that is the reason they are likely to be slower in their development and have some physical complications as well."  However, you can't necessarily tell if someone has a learning disability or mental illness just by looking at them.

Our youngest children aren't in wheelchairs, they don't have braces on their legs or G.I. tubes, nor do they exhibit the facial features of someone with down syndrome or some cases of fetal alcohol syndrome.  Yet, they have special needs- perhaps not severe special needs, mind you, but needs that definitely require extra understanding and attention.  Most people would never know this simply by looking at them.  However, after spending some time with them, a teacher (or other observant person who is familiar with normative child development) might notice some lags in their development and/or some slight disruptions in their behaviors.

For instance, just this week our three year old's teacher at church pulled me aside in the hall and said, in essence, "Your little girl can be overactive at times and has a hard time sitting still but I can sense her fragility and sweetness."  I immediately felt the need to apologize that I am not always able to lend an extra hand to sit with her as I have an older Sunday School class to teach, to which her teacher replied, "Don't worry- she's young and still learning!"  Good point.  After all, what 3 year old is automatically able to sit still on chairs for minutes at a time and listen to lessons and sing songs rather than playing with toys and having snacks and running around as they had previously done in the Nursery?  It's a hard adjustment and for some kids it is easier for others.

My little girl's teacher then said something very specific which caught my attention.  She continued, "I don't know what her story is . . . but I'm aware of her. (or "I'm glad to have her in class" or something like that.)  I started zoning out as soon as she said, "I don't know what her story is" because I began wondering Is she asking me for more information?  Or is she just trying to tell me, "Whatever is wrong- don't worry about it.  I've got this."  I wasn't sure and since we were just passing each other in the hall it wasn't an opportune time for me to say, "Pull up a chair and let me tell you all about it!"  Instead, I just smiled and said, "Thank you for your patience with her."  which I genuinely meant and I just left it at that.

That experience brought up a lot of tender feelings inside of me, as well as a challenge I currently face and will likely face in the future as well:  It's been challenging to know how much of our children's past histories we should share with others and it begs the question: What are the pros and cons of sharing my children's personal histories/special needs with others?

PROS:

-Knowing their backgrounds can be helpful for teachers or caregivers of my children to understand where they're coming from.

-There may be someone else familiar with special needs (visible of invisible) who can relate.

-In cases where people are not necessarily familiar with the issues, it's a good opportunity to educate or advocate for special needs and/or foster care.

CONS:

-People can be judgmental.  On that note . . .

- I don't like labels.  My children are my children, first and foremost.  They may be children who happen to be adopted or children who have been in the foster care system or children who have special needs but, above all, they are my children.

-Although labels serve the convenience of being able to explain things in a few short words, they can often create even more judgments and stereotypes.  For example, even if I were to use the phrase "drug exposed in utero" rather than "drug baby" or "child who was placed into foster care" rather than "foster child" there are bound to be some strong assumptions and connotations surrounding those words.  And let's face it, they're not often pleasant connotations because they aren't pleasant scenarios.

-I want to be respectful of my child's history as their history and story to tell.  

This one is tricky for two reasons:

1) My children's histories have become a part of MY story as well.
2) My youngest children are too young to even fully understand or articulate their histories for themselves.

With that background, I am going to err on the side of sharing my perspective of parenting a child with special needs (rather than withholding my experiences) in the hope that it can bring awareness or help someone out who finds themselves in a similar situation.

* [The works of the late Dr. Karyn Purvis, Dr. Dan Siegel, and Dr.s John & Julia Gottman have been INDISPENSABLE in helping me understand how to effectively care for children coming from backgrounds of trauma!]

THIS is Why Foster Care is Necessary

When I saw these haunting photos this week of a 4-year old boy's caregivers passed out in their car, leaving him helpless in the back seat till help came, it made quite the impression on me.

Some of my initial thoughts were:

1)  Poor Little Boy.

2)  When I read "overdose" in the headline which accompanied the pictures of the corpse-like countenances I immediately wondered, "heroin?"

After reading the accompanying article my suspicions were confirmed- "Yes, heroin."  So sad.

Apparently when paramedics arrived on the scene they were able to administer Narcan to the adults before they were transferred to the hospital and consequently arrested.

After reading the article I dared to venture into the comments section.

Some readers were upset that Narcan was administered, basically asserting that the caregivers "deserved to die" for placing a child in such grave danger.

Many other readers came to the defense of the unconscious caregivers stating that it was unfair or unethical of the cops on the scene to publish such photos on their department's Facebook page.  Yet other readers were concerned that the photos were an injustice to the four year old boy and could cause psychological damage to him further down the road when he becomes aware of them- which leads me to my next thought:

3)  I have a hunch this little boy is already deeply aware of the collateral damages addiction can wreak on a family.  This is most likely not the first time he's been in this type of a situation but- Thank Goodness- it is the first time it has come to the attention of someone who is in a position to intervene.

As for the East Liverpool, Ohio's Police Department, I am in agreement behind their motives for publishing the pictures as expressed in the following statement:

“This child can’t speak for himself but we are hopeful his story can convince another user to think twice about injecting this poison while having a child in their custody. We are well aware that some may be offended by these images and for that we are truly sorry, but it is time that the non drug-using public sees what we are now dealing with on a daily basis.”

4) Yes, the truth can be uncomfortable, disturbing, and downright ugly but it NEEDS to be exposed, especially when innocent children- or those who cannot advocate for themselves- are at risk.

I am certain that there are many social workers, judges, guardian ad liteums, therapists, medical professionals, teachers, and foster parents who feel much the same way as the Ohio Police Department does when they stated, "it is time that the non drug-using public sees what we are now dealing with on a daily basis.”

These individuals and professionals deal with the consequences of addiction on a daily basis and want so desperately to bring awareness to the reality and tragedies addictions bring to society including tearing families apart and creating orphans out of far too many children. 

I admit that at times I may have had an attitude similar to some of the readers who were outraged by these photos and demanded that the caregivers of this little boy be locked up forever.  However, experience has taught me that the caregivers of children who are placed into foster care are victims as well.  In my personal experiences as a foster parent, 95% of the children we have fostered came into care as a direct result of a family member's addiction. Whether one views addiction as a disease or a choice is secondary to the fact that these caregivers need help and support; hence, my overall thought to summarize how I feel about these photos is:  

5) "THIS is why foster care is necessary."  And there are two reasons why I believe this:

A) foster care is not only necessary to keep children out of harm's way- [after all, shouldn't the top priority of foster care and social services be to protect the most vulnerable of individuals: at-risk, abused, or neglected, children? It seems like a no-brainer!]

B) foster care is also necessary to give families another chance to stay together.

A huge part of foster care is about family preservation.  Believe it or not, but foster care is not just taking kids away from their parents and "giving" them to another family or haphazardly placing children in institutions when they can't be placed in a family setting.  

Unfortunately, sometimes things have to hit rock bottom before families can actually get the help they need or before a child's suffering can come to light.  

For example, let's give this little boy's caregivers the benefit of the doubt.  Let's imagine that they both have the desire to get clean but for whatever reason- perhaps cost-prohibitive treatment options, being born into a family of drug addicts, or overwhelming feelings of helplessness- they just don't see sobriety as a realistic option.  For their sakes- AND MOST IMPORTANTLY FOR THE SAKE OF THIS YOUNG CHILD- law enforcement involvement is honestly one of the best things that could happen to them.  

Perhaps I sound too idealistic in my view, but if law enforcement gets involved then consequences must be faced and since a child is involved then social services will most certainly become a part of the solution.  While law enforcement can ensure that individuals "pay" for or are accountable for their actions, judges and social service workers can mandate and provide options for families to get their children back into their custody by way of required drug testing and/or drug treatment, counseling sessions, mandated parenting classes, vocational or educational training which helps secure not only employment but proper housing.  In this way, what might appear to some addicts as hitting rock bottom and losing everything is actually an opportunity to accept help and become truly accountable for their choices and a chance to get sober.  That is certainly not to say that it is an easy path.

I'm thinking of one foster mother in particular who shared the brutally honest viewpoint of the birth mother of the children placed in her care.  This birth mother was an addict who was so committed to getting her children back into her care (after losing them to the state's custody more than once) and yet so realistic about owning her addiction that she stated, "I wanted DCFS to take my kids because I knew that having my kids taken from me was the only way I could remain motivated to stay clean."

Children who are removed from unsafe homes and/or families enslaved by addiction are not the only victims.   Unfortunately, the children are often the ones left to deal with THE BRUNT OF THE UGLY CONSEQUENCES of addiction!  It's so unfair.

I'm aware that, as hard as at can be to imagine, this four year old boy who has been removed from his family and placed into state custody is probably crying at night for his daddy and mommy or grandma and grandpa (I'm unsure what their exact relation to him was as I read a couple of differing accounts) and there is a foster parent out there trying to comfort him and explain that he is "safe" now.  

That same foster parent is probably struggling with feelings of anger and resentment at their foster child's caretakers for allowing the situation to escalate so far while simultaneously trying to remain calm and offer comfort to their foster child in their new, unfamiliar environment.  

The mind-boggling concept for some to understand is "How could this little boy miss the people who neglected him so?  After all, now he's {hopefully} been placed in a safe and loving home and is cared for by people who have had their backgrounds and home environment thoroughly checked and who have undergone sufficient training to care for children coming from such situations.  So why on earth would he miss his former caregivers?"

The answer is simple: Because they are his family.  And as I've mentioned, foster care is about helping families stay together when possible.

Another Respite Placement

This month we did respite care for two different sibling groups.  I wrote about the first group here. 

The second sibling group was a brother and sister as well- the older sister was 7 years old and her younger brother was 2 years old which means that for a couple of days we had two 2 year olds, one 3 year old, a 7 year old and an 8 year old under one roof.  Speaking of which, I saw this and it seemed extremely accurate to me:

While I'm on the topic of kids and summer, is it just me or are kids less heat-aware as children and much more heat-sensitive as they age?  For example, begging to go outside at the absolute HOTTEST time of the day.  "Do you not realize it's burning hot right now and you could be indoors playing where it's cool and air-conditioned?"  I have thought that or said it out loud to my kids when they beg to play outside at noon on summer days.  Needless to say, most of our outdoor ventures during the summer are early in the morning or in the late afternoon or evening but NOT during the middle of the day.

Back to this sibling group: I will refer to the girl as "Kari" and to her younger brother as "Zeke". Two-year-old Zeke reminded me of a little stocky caveman who used only a few words and many grunts to communicate.  He was pretty easy to care for as long as he was fed and had something to keep his attention.  I think he was able to settle in well in large part because he followed his older sister's lead.  And she was not shy.  At all.

Like her brother, Kari was somewhat stocky in her stature as well so she appeared to be much older than her seven years- perhaps ten or eleven.  In fact, my oldest daughter who is over a year older than Kari and average in her build looked downright petite when the girls played together. 

Kari not only looked older than she actually was but in some ways she also seemed more mature and responsible than most children her age by the way she watched over her little brother (parentification, anyone?), helped clean up around the house, and made sure that all of the kids shared their toys with each other or used good manners.  However, I was reminded that she was still a 7 year old when she would want to show off for me and clamor for my attention- whether it was performing a song she made up on the piano or doing a trick on the trampoline or showing me how she arranged stickers to decorate a piece of paper. 

Children of all ages need attention- not just younger ones with their constant "Look at Me!"s  "Watch What I Can Do!" but children in middle childhood and tweens and teens as well.  I think they just "ask" for it or "perform" in different ways.

I don't know a whole lot about why Kari and Zeke came into care but I do know that the reason they were placed with the foster family they were placed with is because they had adopted Kari and Zeke's half-brother.  With that in mind, I thought it was interesting when, during a moment of playing "doctor" (Kari grabbed the Fisher Price Dr's Kit from our toy room and insisted that I be her patient as she measured my blood pressure, gave me shots, and listened to my heart), Kari handed me a baby doll and announced, "And now you just had a baby.  And you get to stay in the hospital with your baby for ten days!"

ME: Ten days, Wow!

I must have been smiling or had a funny look on my face because she immediately looked at me and asked, "Is that how long you were in the hospital with these kids?"

After verifying that "these kids" were my children since only one of them was in the room I answered,

ME:  No- they didn't come from my stomach in the hospital (although I did bring two of them home from the hospital as newborns) because they were adopted.

Kari's face remained stoic.

ME:  Do you know what that means to be adopted?

KARI:  Because their mom couldn't take care of them?

ME:  Well, no- not exactly.  M's birthmother (I was nodding in M's direction as I spoke) could have taken care of her but she wanted M. to have a mommy AND a daddy so she chose my husband and I to be her parents.

M (Interrupting excitedly):  Isn't is cool how my birthmom's name is on my bike?!

ME:  Yes.  And how that was the name of the horse you rode that time we went horseback riding, too?  True stories- we thought that was serendipitous in both instances considering M's birthmom doesn't have an unusual name but it's not an overly common name, either.

I went back to explaining to Kari . . .

ME:  But my other children's birthmom couldn't take care of them.  So they were in foster care . . .

(as soon as I said "foster care" I wondered what feelings it would produce in Kari but she looked unfazed)

ME: . . . and that's why we were able to adopt them. 

Kari went back to playing with the doctor's kit.  I thought it was interesting that when I brought up adoption in the presence of a foster child with a half sibling who had been adopted, Kari  immediately associated the phrase "adopted" with birthparents not being able to care for a child.  Sometimes that's the case but many times it's not.   Many times a birthparent would be able to care for a child and they might make an exceptional parent (or they already may be an exceptional parent if they have children) but they want to give their child something more than what they can currently give them- whether that be a two-parent family [as in the case of our daughter's birthmother] or a life free of poverty and domestic violence and the effects of addiction [as in the case of our youngest children's birthmother.]

One last thing I'll add about an advantage to fostering a sibling group with a younger and an older child: It was very helpful to have Kari's help when trying to decipher Zeke's cave-man language as well as being able to ask her about his food preferences or what worked well to calm him down when he was upset, etc.  

Our First Teenager

I recently did something as a foster parent that was a FIRST for me.  I got out of my comfort zone and expanded my horizons with the last placement we took- in large part due to the fact that it was a respite placement of two siblings- and I knew that it would be for less than a day.  

We've done respite for other foster families before so that wasn't new to me and we've taken sibling groups so that wasn't new to us either, but it was the ages of the children we recently watched in our home which was a first for me.  I feel most comfortable caring for babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers and my protective husband most assuredly feels safest not bringing any children in our home who are older than our oldest child (who is almost nine).  However, since I knew that this respite placement would only be for an evening I said yes to a sibling group of two- an eleven year old and a thirteen year old.  Did you catch the suffix of that last age?  A TEENAGER!  I said "yes" to having a teenager in my home despite having no experience ever parenting a teenage before.  

I tend to be somewhat cautious so I admit that I did have some concerns as I imagined the worst possible scenarios that could happen as a result of having two older children whom I had never met before- strangers, essentially- into my home for a couple of hours with my younger children of approximately 9, 3, and 2 years of age.  

-What if the kids swear like sailors or use especially vulgar language?  As a grown woman, I can handle that, but as a mom with young children in the home I know for a fact that my 2 year old is like a little parrot eager to repeat whatever new word or phrases she hears- especially if the result is ensuing laughter or extra attention.

-What if the kids bully my children because they're just "acting out" domestic violence they're used to?   Or worse?  Again, since I knew this would be a very short-term placement I was placated by the fact that all of the children- my own three and these two foster children- would be under my supervision and in my sight THE ENTIRE TIME they were in our home.  This was an assurance for me because I  know that things can happen in just a matter of minutes.  Nevertheless, I felt confident enough that if I were to witness something my Mama Bear instincts would kick in to preserve my children's safety which is top priority and hopefully I would have the restraint to separate the actions of any perpetrating children from the child themselves and not go ballistic.

-What if the kids talk back to me or sass?  If they do, they do and I can handle it.  Of course I may be muttering something in my head like "little ingrates!" or a passive aggressive, sarcastic "You're welcome for me opening my home to you!" while trying to keep calm on the outside but I'm a grown woman and I can handle it.

Those were my worries and concerns before taking our first placement of "older" children.

Here's what actually unfolded:

I will refer to these children as "Chloe" and "Cade".  Although Chloe and Cade were, in fact, siblings, they were polar opposites in personality.  11 year old Cade practically flew out of the car his foster mom was driving and started tossing a football around on our front lawn and made himself right at home.  His older sister, however, was much more reticent and waited in the passenger seat of the car for a minute or two before feeling comfortable enough to even come to the porch.

Chloe's foster mom seemed a little embarrassed about Chloe's hesitancy and apologized on her behalf but I said, "Oh- no problem at all."  especially since I had read the two or three brief sentences she had texted me a few hours earlier in response to my question, "So is there anything I should know about the kids?".  She replied that they were pretty much "normal kids" but did mention the fact that her teenage foster daughter is very quiet until she feels safe with someone.  Given what little I knew of the children's background and as somewhat of an introvert myself, that seemed just fine with me. Some people get uncomfortable around people who are too quiet or reserved, but I understand the need for space and privacy.

After the kids got here we spent part of the evening playing in the backyard and part of the evening indoors watching TV and playing X-box.  It was entertaining to watch my oldest daughter, who is somewhat of a tomboy, interact with Cade- they got along great.  Chloe took a couple hours till she warmed up to us and if anything, the kids were overly polite- I practically had to beg them to have some pizza and breadsticks which I bought before their foster mom brought them over.  I kept asking, "Are you hungry?  Please help yourself."  They both replied "We're fine." several times until I finally asked an hour or so later, "Are you sure you're not hungry?"  Cade explained that he didn't want to eat anything because it was "rude" to eat at other people's houses.  I explained that since he was a guest in our home and I was the one who offered him the food that it wan't rude at all.  Fortunately, they finally appeased and ate.

Cade was easy-going and talkative but I think the most that ever came our of Chloe's mouth was, "Is it okay if I put my feet up on the couch while I rest?" as she was laying down on one of our couches. "Totally!" I reassured her, since she had already taken her shoes off.  Then when she fell asleep (or perhaps she was just feigning sleep- who knows) I brought her a soft blanket to cover over with in case she wanted it.

Really nothing eventful happened during that time that Chloe and Cade stayed with us and that's actually a good thing.  No cussing, bullying, back-talking or even eye-rolling.  They were both good kids.  I was a little surprised when they left and Chloe turned to me and said, "Thank you for being so nice to us." because I wasn't being nice- I was just being regular.  I wondered if she had experienced something less than ideal in a previous foster home.

Although I was curious about the kid's background I didn't want to pry too much.  I did casually ask, "So how long have you been with your foster family?"  If I remember correctly it had been for several months so I had no idea if their case was headed towards adoption or reunification.  Chloe did mention with some discouragement in her voice, "We usually get moved about every six months." Again, I was curious but I refrained from inquiring and just said something like, "Wow- that would be hard.  I wouldn't like that."

So that was my first experience with "older" foster kids in my home and it went just fine.  I felt silly for worrying so much beforehand.  Of course, it was such a short time period that there probably wasn't even time to have a "honeymoon period" come to an end.

Less than a week later my RFC called and asked if we would be able to do respite for Chloe and Cade again- this time for five days while their foster family was on vacation.  Although I wanted to say "yes" my husband (the practical one in our marriage) reminded me of obligations we would have during the week that would make it difficult to take two more children into our home so I had to say "no".   And of course I felt guilty afterwards.  I didn't feel guilty so much because I felt that there was nobody else who could take them in, but because their foster mom specifically requested for me to do respite for her again because the kids felt comfortable being in our home and I know that Chloe would have to go through the process of being put in a stranger's home- yet again- and having to adjust accordingly.

Before You Assume or Judge . . .

It's occurred to me that the last four posts I've written all share a common theme: judging and judgments- either through the formal legal process in an actual court of law or on a much more general level of making judgments and assumptions about others (or perceiving judgments from others which is also a form of judging).

As I wrote in this post: "People seldom know the whole story and yet they are so quick to judge and jump to conclusions and make judgments."  It's  impossible to make a fair judgement when we don't have all the facts.  

With that background, I'd like to invite any readers to consider the following scenario and pay attention to any judgments or assumptions that might arise within you:

A tired looking woman walks up to the receptionist area of the radiology department of her local hospital with a toddler balanced on one hip and a diaper bag hanging over the opposite shoulder. The woman reaches into the diaper bag and pulls out a piece of paper nestled among other papers. She seems to nervously hold her breath as she hands it to the employee behind the desk.  

Although the receptionist initially greets this woman and small child with a welcoming smile, as soon as she reads the order for "full body x-rays needed" accompanied by a handwritten note from the referring physician with instructions to call back and report the results immediately to the Children's Justice Center, her countenance and body language suddenly transform- whereas her lips were drawn up into a pleasant smile just moments earlier they are now fixed tightly into a straight line.  

Perhaps the most revealing clue into what the receptionist is thinking about the woman on the other side of her desk and this situation is what can be found in her eyes, or rather, what can't be found as she can barely make eye contact with the woman who brought this child in.  Consequently, the woman holding the child appears even more nervous and seems eager to offer up an explanation.

What were your assumptions about this situation?  Was it that this woman had injured her own child? After all, she appeared to be tired and a bit under stress.  And what logical reason could there be for an order of "full body x-rays" to be taken other than to assess for extensive injuries?  One or even two broken bones in children could easily happen as a result of an accident- but multiple broken bones seems awfully suspect.

Maybe you gave the woman the benefit of the doubt and thought that perhaps her boyfriend or husband or daycare provider injured this child?  Would it change your opinion on the matter if the woman had been poorly dressed and unkempt versus neat in her appearance or above average in her socioeconomic status?  Would it have affected your judgments about the situation or the people involved if I had mentioned that the child was a different color than the woman who brought her in or would that have even mattered?   Would you have thought less of the woman if she had used Medicaid as a form of insurance versus private insurance?

The woman in this particular situation was me- three years ago.  The child I was holding was my foster child and I was particularly worried about her since this was not the first time she had come into our care.  Just a few days earlier I got the call informing me that Rose's mother was not in a good place and because of that she had left her toddler in the care of some friends.

As for my tired-looking appearance that day at the hospital, I think that could be attributed to the transition of an overnight addition to our family, various meetings and consultations with caseworkers and DCFS staff- both in our home and over the phone- and taking an active toddler to 3 medical appointments where she is instructed to "hold still" for examinations- all within a 48 hour time span.  

As mentioned, at this point Rose had only been in our home the second time for a couple of days when her pediatrician expressed some concerns after I took her in for an initial doctor's appointment which led to further assessments at the Children's Justice Center which, in turn, led us to the hospital for x-rays as a precautionary measure.

The reason I share this story is because it was a time when I can vividly recall not only feeling judged but pretty much hated and despised.  I think the reasons for any judgments made that day were due largely because not everybody had access to the facts right away.

Back to my experience:  If you've never had the opportunity to take a small child to the hospital for full-body x-rays consider yourself lucky.  I probably appeared to be nervous that day because I was nervous for Rose's sake.  Unfortunately, nervousness can easily be mistaken or associated with guilt, so when I handed the script from the referring physician to the receptionist behind the desk and she looked over the orders I could sense immediate judgment from her towards me.  Maybe I was just reading into things but the receptionist's sudden and obvious lack of eye contact with me either led me to believe she suffered from poor social skills (which is highly unlikely for a receptionist) or that she surmised I was the one responsible for any possible injuries to this child.  After all, what reason would any doctor have for ordering full body x-rays on a small child not just to determine if the child had any recent broken bones but if she had suffered from any broken bones or fractures in the past?

When we sorted through Rose's insurance info and contact information I had the chance to explain to the receptionist that I was Rose's foster mother.  I'm not actually sure if mentioning that bit of information helped the receptionist's view of me or just disgusted her further.

A short time later I was called back into the x-ray room with Rose.  As we were getting settled in the room I could hear a couple of technicians consulting with each other behind a curtain: "Full body x-rays?"  She's just a toddler- this will be tricky."

Suddenly a somewhat peeved sounding voice adamantly piped up in what was probably intended to be a hushed whisper saying something to the effect of, "Should she even be allowed to be here with her?!"  Followed by more whispering and then, "Oh- that's the foster mom- we'll have her stay to help hold her down."

An x-ray technician with a look of relief stepped out behind the curtain and courteously extended her hand out to me as she introduced herself and gave me some instructions.  The tension I could sense from behind the curtain just seconds earlier- as well as any assumptions and judgments made about me- immediately dissolved.

We all judge whether we want to admit it or not.  I've mentioned many times before that one of the biggest struggles I've had to work on as a foster parent is not judging the birth families of our foster children.   Yes, they've made mistakes, but everyone needs a little more love and support and a little less judgment and criticism.

Judgments at the Grocery Store

I recently had a major surgery which required an extensive recovery period in which I was instructed not to lift (or push or pull) anything over ten pounds for six weeks afterwards.  This restriction was a bit challenging for me as a mother to a two year old and three year old whom are still dependent on me to lift them in and out of their car seats every time we go anywhere or in and out of shopping carts when we go shopping- not to mention that "Hold Me!" is a pretty common request from both of them as a form of affection.

 You can imagine how happy I was when I was finally given the clear from my doctor to be able to lift again, as expressed in this Facebook Status:

"Today is the first day in 6 weeks that I've been permitted to lift (or push or pull) anything over 10 pounds.  I'm most excited about scooping up my 2 year old and 3 year old into my arms WHENEVER I WANT- especially (not so hypothetically speaking) if my 2 year old should start throwing a tantrum at her sister's soccer game or in the middle of a very crowded grocery store because she wants me to hold her and I find myself attracting numerous, menacing "Why-doesn't-that-mean-lazy-mother-just-pick-up-her-poor-crying-child?!" glares from various onlookers."

I'm sure most parents have had moments when they either feel like they are being judged or they have been judged because of the behavior of their children- especially if a child's outburst happens to be in a very public, observable place.

I can think of another instance in a grocery store three or four years ago when I was with two of my foster sons and I attracted the stares of others because of a meltdown the older boy (just pre-school aged) was having.  I wanted so badly to be able to hold up a sign explaining, "Don't judge this little boy! He has every right to be hurting inside!"  You see, he had just returned from a weekly scheduled supervised visit with his mother at the DCFS building and his behavior typically escalated after such visits.  With this particular visit, however, it wasn't the interaction with his mom that led to his acting out.  Quite the contrary, it was because his mother didn't show up at all.  Although I was initially a little embarrassed by the stares we received because of Ty's meltdown I also figured, "This little boy has earned the right to rage.  Let it all out, Ty."  

A short time thereafter Ty was crushed again after another no-show visit- only this one happened to be on the day of his Third Birthday.  I remember really struggling with my anger when the caseworker informed me that his mom wouldn't be able to make it on today of all days because she was in jail.  "Couldn't she have just stayed sober for one day for this one visit of all visits?"  I thought.  Ty's caseworker was as equally disturbed as I was.  

People seldom know the whole story and yet they are so quick to jump to conclusions and make judgments.  That is why I wanted to applaud one brave and compassionate woman after reading in her Facebook status about how she defended a fellow foster mother from judgments in the check-out line at Wal-mart.  Although this status is a couple of years old and I have never actually met the woman who wrote it (credit goes to Lindsay Woodward Crapo- like I said, I don't know her personally but it turns out we have at least one mutual friend) I saw it recently shared and I think it's very appropriate to share it now:

WARNING; Insensitive people at the Walmart rant ahead.
Last night I found myself sandwiched in line waiting to check out, this is not an odd occurrence. The woman in front of me had 5 children she was wrangling ( which did not seem odd to me) , as well as the fact that the children were a mix of Caucasian and Hispanic short people.( again hmph...didn't notice until it was pointed out to me).
Yes, I said pointed out.
The people behind me as I wrestled my own whiny toddler, began very loudly whispering things like:
"How many baby daddies do you think she has?"
"Can't even dress those kids for weather."
"Just wait until she whips out the food stamps. "
I calmed my 3 year old with old Altoids found at the bottom of my purse and looked incredulously back at the well dressed, normal couple spouting such, well, total CRAP.

I looked forward to see a woman fumbling with separating clothes items; coats and shoes socks and underwear from the food items with the black plastic separators.

There five kids- two that shared her same blonde hair with jackets and warm shoes and three, beautifully dark haired and deep brown eyes, sad, eyes; wearing shorts, and flip flops.
It was true she was struggling with a food stamp card. Didn't know what buttons to use to complete the transaction.

As the class act behind me deeply sighed; and said "There's our tax dollars neatly at work."

I shot them what I can only imagine was the death glare only a mother of 9 can execute to perfection.

I stepped forward and kindly said, "Can I help?"
These things are so confusing.
She looked at me.
I quietly asked " Foster or Adopted?"
I have 9 kiddos...two bio, I get it, please let me help."

She smiled, embarrassed, "New Foster Mom, this is my first time using one of these, they came 3 days days ago, gonna be with us for a while.
They gave us food, but the kids needed clothes , but no stipend has come through yet.

I looked at the kids and smiled, and turned to her and said; "Beautiful children I am glad you all have each other. "

I showed her how to use her card as the jackholes behind us snorted.
I explained to her how she doesn't have to separate items and that the items get separated by the computer at check out and how she pays the balance after she runs her card.

She handed each child a new coat , loaded up her cart as she left I side hugged her and told her "you have got this."

After they were out of ear shot...I turned with tears to the smug well dressed man and woman behind me.

"Those children? They lost the right to live with their parents just days ago, those clothes? probably the only clothes they own, or got to leave their home with.
THAT woman? Opened her home to kids, kids that needed a safe place to go, when the one they lived in no longer proved safe enough or secure enough for them. The food stamps, something health and welfare helps an already mother to two feed three new mouths.
There are not nearly enough women or people like her this world."

I whipped back around and started slamming my groceries on the belt, and then turned back around...
Voice shaking.;
"AND even IF those kids were all hers, and she had a dozen "baby daddies" and was on food stamps..no child in this country or any other deserves to be cold or hungry, I am sorry, but your behavior? Poorly done, VERY poorly done."

My new 'friends' left my checkout aisle and joined another, silently.

I grabbed a bag of damn Peanut butter m&ms....
As I finished checking out the girl checking me out smiled and winked, "Single mother on WIC, what you said? Rocked!"

I grimaced and said "thanks,I wasn't sure I should have gone off like that...hug those babies of yours tight tonight. "

She said " I will, you have a nice night mam' and do the same."

I cried hard as I found my Tahoe, buckled the baby in the car, loaded up...and opened those damn m&m's.

You foster mama's out there...hold your heads high, you are the hands and hearts that are the strong and the steady for small ones when they need it most.
Hats off and so much love today to you.♡♥♡

Our Second Respite Placement- Part Two

Emily’s foster mom dropped her off to our house on a Sunday morning- just a few hours before we left to church.

Emily just turned 2 a couple months earlier and despite her very petite frame she had a very big personality and loud voice to make up for anything small about her.  Although she did cry for a few minutes when her foster mom hugged her and said goodbye (I noticed her foster mom was trying to fight back tears as well) she quickly busied herself with eating her breakfast and getting acquainted with everyone and everything in our household.

Emily was not shy at all and she took an immediate liking to our 7 year old daughter, M.  This was very fortunate because as soon as Jill (just 2 months difference in age than Emily) realized that another little girl was in our home she immediately became possessive of “my mommy”.   

As for my husband, he came home from a church meeting shortly before we left to go to church just in time to meet the latest addition of our family and help me get all of the kids and diaper bag packed up in the car.

Remember how in my previous post I mentioned that Emily’s foster mom told me that Emily preferred males to females and how her foster mom wondered if she would refer to us as “Mommy” and “Daddy”?  Well, as soon as Jack and Jill and M. greeted my husband with hugs and kisses and exclaimed “Daddy!” when he walked in the door Emily followed their lead and you would have thought she had always been a part of our family.

Emily’s preference for male caregivers definitely worked in our favor during church because Emily had no reservations at all sitting on my husband’s lap while I focused my attention on Jill who can be somewhat of a live wire. 

We made it through about the first half of the Sacrament Service without having to take any children out of the chapel (a small miracle in itself!) and when Jill started getting too loud we played a game of musical toddlers with my husband taking Jill out, me keeping Jack entertained, and M. playing the role of little mother to Emily and gently setting her on her lap and quietly looking at a board book with her. 

Occasionally Emily would come over to me and want me to hold her so we would adjust children and lap space accordingly. The funny thing is, I think I may have seen one or two members of our congregation do a double take when they saw me holding a little girl with long, brunette hair on my lap (Emily) rather than my blonde, short-haired Jill.

Foster families are used to getting stares though- whether it’s because you look like you’re running a Day Care or because not everyone in your family “matches” each other or because you suddenly show up with a new child out of the blue one day.

I’ve probably mentioned how our daughter M. has always been a natural with babies and little children.  With this recent placement she was a huge help on Sundays during church and throughout the rest of the week.  M. seemed to be initially flattered to have a new doting toddler become her little shadow- for the first few days that Emily stayed with us, that is.  Eventually, however, M. decided she needed some space and would become somewhat annoyed with Emily’s spontaneous hugs or her propensity to follow her around everywhere like a little, lost puppy dog.  “Welcome to Motherhood!” I felt like telling M. who, by the end of the week, would even go so far as to spend time in her room or a different part of the house in order to have some space and privacy.

Jack is definitely our most mellow and reserved child.  I guess in that respect he is much like me- observing things and seemingly keeping his thoughts to himself rather than having to create a lot of drama or needing to seek attention all the time.  Sometimes I attribute this to the fact that he’s a boy (and males appear much less emotional than females) but other times I feel like it’s because of his birth order as the middle child who keeps a low profile.  Whatever the reason, Jack seemed to not make too much of a deal when Emily showed up all of the sudden at our house- he just kind of went with the flow. 

Jill, on the other hand, probably had the hardest adjustment to make with a new child in our home- especially when that new child was another little girl her age.  Not only are Jill and Emily both active toddlers but they are both very headstrong in their ways and used to being the center of attention.  Jill is the “baby” in our family and in Emily’s foster family she is the youngest child.  Even if I had not known that fact, it became apparent very quickly that Emily is accustomed to having a lot of individualized attention. 

Because of these dynamics I felt much like a referee last week, constantly sorting out squabbles between toddlers when Emily and Jill would compete for a toy or to be on my lap (It was impossible to hold just one of them without the other immediately becoming jealous).

And yes, just as Jill referred to my husband as “Daddy” she would address me as “Mommy!” in her small but commanding voice several times a day. 

There was more than one incident of hitting or yelling between Emily and Jill but afterwards as I would try to redirect the girl’s behavior they would hug each other like they were best friends. 

While Jill had no problem whatsoever asserting her “dominance” over a certain toy or telling Emily how she felt Jack, who also happens to be my most conscientious child, would look at me with a shock and betrayed look on his face and proclaim “She took it from me!” when Emily would steal a toy from him. Nevertheless, he was initially too shy (or perhaps too polite?) to actually take it back from her even though he loomed over her by at least a foot or two since he’s a year older than Emily and taller than average for his age.  It took four or five days till he was finally comfortable enough to take any toys back from Emily or dare to talk back to any of her sass.

On more than one occasion Jill guarded our toy room door like a bouncer at a bar or night club.  With a furrowed brow and scowl on her face she would say, “Go Away!” and motion Emily away.  M. would start laughing when her baby sister did this and I would have to tell her to stop even though I had to bite my lip from busting up at our little Bouncer the first time I observed it.

Basically, one minute Jill and Emily would be best friends dancing and laughing together and the next minute one of them would be in tears as the result of a sudden clash of wills.

I was grateful that M. was so helpful during the week in giving Emily some extra attention when Jill was particularly clingy to me as Jill has always been a bit of a momma’s girl.   Then again, I didn’t want M. to feel like an older Duggar child taking over the role of parent to younger siblings because that’s not her job.  Because of this I would try and do something fun with M. at night after the younger kids had gone to bed- just her and me- so that she would remember that even though she’s the oldest she’s still my little girl and she can always take time to play because that’s what childhood should be about.

Of all our children I know that having Emily placed with us was hardest on Jill.  How confusing for her to watch me share my attention with another little girl so close to her age who just suddenly appeared in our home one day!  It makes me wonder how blended and step-families must work so hard to adjust to everyone’s new roles and differing personalities without anyone feeling like they are being replaced or that they have to compete with each other. 

This last placement was also a good reminder to me that Yes, it is a sacrifice . . .  but we could possibly take another child into our home.  However, it would be best to stay away from a child so close in age to and the same gender as Jill.  In other words, no virtual twinning- especially for my girls given their dominant personalities- unless the other child happens to be extremely mellow and has a personality more like Jack’s.

AND NOW FOR A MINI-POST WITHIN A POST

Q:  How would fostering affect the children already in my home?

I think there are probably a lot of families who are interested in fostering but they are concerned with how it would affect the children already in their home. It's a highly personal decision to make but I think I would offer up this bit of advice to any such families:

A:  If any of the children in your home meet the following criteria:

1) Have special needs

2)  Are very young in age

3)  Are not totally on board with the idea of more children coming into your home

. . . Then it would probably be best to focus on the needs of your own children first before trying to help anyone else's children.

Having said that (and at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite for not following my own advice), perhaps we'll wait a couple of years till Jack and Jill are a bit older till we take any more permanent placements. But who knows.

Back to the topic of how our children and members of our family reacted to Emily being placed with us for eight days:  I kept thinking of Jack- the poor “neglected middle child” and only boy in our family- being stuck in the middle of all these dramatic girls.  He’s a good sport.  I wonder if the fact that Emily was female rather than male made it easier or harder for him to adjust.  

As for me, by Day 5 of Emily being placed with us I started to wonder, “Is there such a thing as respite for respite care providers?”  Okay, maybe it wasn’t really that bad but the constant squabbling and competing for my attention between two very headstrong toddler girls definitely started to test my patience.  But that’s the great thing about respite care- you know it’s only temporary so even if (hypothetically speaking) the child is a holy terror then you have the assurance that they won’t be in your home forever- just for hours or days.

On another note, when my husband sensed that it might be a good idea for us to get a babysitter so that we could have a date night (and so that I could take a break) I actually became a little resentful thinking “If we hired a teenage girl to babysit for us for a couple of hours we would have to pay her more than we, as foster parents, are reimbursed for the cost of caring for a child for one day.”  I promise I am NOT the type of person to think “I’m going to do this thing for that outcome (reward or whatever)” but my conclusion illustrates the point that as a foster parent I definitely don’t do this for the money.

Now for the good things about respite placements in general (lest you think this is solely a post for me to vent):

When Emily’s foster mom dropped her off she had a daily schedule written out of naptimes, mealtimes, her favorite foods and T.V. shows or songs, etc.  It is SO MUCH EASIER to care for a child when you have an idea of the type of routine they are used to as opposed to getting a “regular” foster placement where you have no idea if the little stranger now placed in your care is accustomed to getting regular meals, has any understanding of what vegetables are, or is even used to bathing on a regular basis without freaking out from the running bath water!  Knowing what routines the child is used to is helpful not only for the foster child in making a smoother transition to their new, foreign environment but to the foster family as well.  

I have heard that if people are unsure about fostering or want a good introduction to fostering, they should provide respite care which is even more temporary than foster care.  Although we never did respite care until after we had some “regular” foster placements, I think that’s a great idea.  Plus, if a placement is a particularly rough one you can always remind yourself, “It’s just a couple of days or over the weekend or for one week”- (whatever the case may be).

I think another advantage to doing respite care is that you are able to get a taste for what ages/genders/severity of needs work best for your family. 

To sum up the recent experience of our second respite placement:  It was good to be able to help out so that another foster family could go on vacation but I sure will be happy to focus all my attention on my three children and have a sense of “normalcy” return to our family.