Closing Our License/Advice to Those Considering Fostering

Back in this post, I forgot to mention one MAJOR factor to consider when deciding whether to foster or continuing to foster or adopt:  The feelings of your spouse on the matter!  Of course, if you’re single, no worries about having to come to a consensus!

Fostering, like any other significant commitment or change, will definitely add stress to your marriage and affect any children in your home.  If both spouses are not unanimously on board, I would recommend waiting until the decision is unanimous.  This, of course, can be extremely frustrating if one spouse feels Gung-ho about it and the other spouse or partner is anything less than lukewarm.

Over the past three or four years I’ve talked my husband into renewing our foster care license for “just one more year”.   When I recently realized that I need more required training hours to complete in order to renew our license for yet another year and I asked my husband to accompany me to an upcoming training it led to a big discussion about the pros and cons of keeping our license open for another year. 

Let me explain something about how my husband thinks and makes major decisions versus how I think, which might help you to understand or imagine how our discussion went:  My husband has always been very methodical and practical.  He carefully weighs the risks and benefits before becoming to a decision.  He also has an MBA, which translates into him viewing things from a cost/benefit analysis.  Even when trying to decide on a place to go on vacation, he carefully scouts out the best deals and frequently uses the term “ROI”- which, I have learned, stands for Return On Investment.   His thinking is basically motivated by “What are we going to get out of it?  Is it worth it in the end?” 

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to have my head in the clouds, but I am a bit more guided by what I feel in my heart and sometimes decisions based on gut feelings can’t be explained logically- or they just don’t make much sense- at least initially.  I also admit that I have sometimes been guilty of making decisions based on the premise “What do I have to give?” rather than “What will I be getting in return?” To me it just comes down to the whole principle of “Ask not what your country or (fill-in-the blank) can do for you; Ask what YOU can do for your country (or whatever).”   Although such thinking may be considered by some to be noble and altruistic, it can also be foolish at times if one is constantly in a cycle of giving and giving without replenishing the source- and by source, I mean my own health and sanity and balance, as well as the time and energy I can devote to my own children. 

My advice to those considering fostering:

If you look at being a foster parent from a cost/benefit perspective, I can tell you with much certainty that you will give much more than you get.  If that bothers you, then you may want to look into another form of service to children and families.  However, if you are willing to sacrifice and put your own gratification on the back burner, and don’t mind giving more than getting, then go for it! Please know that you will have support from others who have walked the same road.  They can buoy you up on the hard days and listen to you vent with an empathetic ear because they “get it”- they’ve been there, too.

I also firmly believe that it is not just okay, but necessary, to take a break when needed.  Don’t be afraid to take a break through respite care or support from friends when dealing with particularly demanding or difficult placements.  And absolutely, take time to grieve and heal after heartbreaking cases of reunification.  Reach out to others who have been there, because it is a loss that not everyone can understand. 

Some cynics (or even yourself) might think, “Well, you signed up to foster- you knew there would be heartache, what did you expect?”  That may be true, but your bravery and willingness to open your heart has blessed a child or helped give a family a second chance.  That is not only commendable but courageous. 

To make a long story short, my husband and I have decided to close our license of fostering through our state after 12 years.  It was an easy conclusion for my husband to make, but not necessarily easy for me to accept.  Logically I know that I will have more time to devote to my children and to my schooling and other endeavors and I won’t have to go into a full-on adrenaline rush/panic every time I see “DCFS” on my caller ID, but I also feel like I’m giving up part of my identity and, of course, I think in the back of my mind and in my heart “But what about the children?”

In response to that question- which is not necessarily rhetorical, I have three children in my home who need me now more than any other children need me at this point in time.  And besides that, it’s not a contest to see how many children one can foster or adopt or how many years of experience one can accumulate- it’s about helping one child at a time.  Just think of it: If even half of the homes who are eligible in the United States would go through the training and foster just one child- what a difference it would make in the lives of those children!

Going back to the whole “Return on Investment” concept which I mentioned at the beginning of this post, even if our family hadn’t been able to adopt two of our children from foster care, the lessons we’ve learned, lives touched, and, I think, most importantly, the qualities and character we’ve developed, have been more than worthwhile.

Yes, I am a bit sad about not renewing our license for yet another year, but I am also starting to fill at peace about it and even some relief.  I don’t want to think of it as cutting all ties to fostering forever, but rather, taking a much-needed break and a bit of a different path.

How Do You Know When You're "Done" Fostering?

The last week of summer which morphed into the first week of school, we watched a six-month-old baby boy in our home for a foster family who went out of town.  I was actually surprised that our RFC called to ask us about watching a baby because we've gotten rid of most of our baby things and I had to borrow a Pack-N-Play so that the baby would have somewhere to sleep.

 It was a lot of fun for our kids to have a baby in the house to dote upon, but I'm starting to feel too old for middle of the night teething and feedings and lugging car seats around.  In fact, when I got information from the baby's foster mom, including visitation times and locations, I realized that I'm literally old enough to be this baby's grandma as his mother is certainly young enough to be my daughter.  It's not that I necessarily consider myself to be "old" in my 40's- I'm just not "young" anymore and I think since I have younger children people assume that I'm younger than I am.

 During a middle of the night feeding, I calculated (with the help of this blog) that this is the 20^th foster child to come into our home and the 11^th baby.   This caused me to do a lot of reflecting and I found myself asking, "Am I done yet?"  "Do we keep fostering?"  I wasn't sure if I was asking myself or asking God- or perhaps both, but those were the questions on my mind.

Some additional questions helped me to come up with some answers, or at least to fine-tune how I felt about things:

"What was your purpose or motivation for fostering in the first place?" 

"Do you still have room in your home?" 

"Do you still have the energy and health?"  

"Do you still have the same passion for fostering as when you first                              started?"  

As for motivation or purpose, some people foster to adopt and others foster simply to foster- because they know there is the need and they want to help children.  Both are worthy purposes.  In our case, we felt "the call" to open up our home to children not knowing what the end result would be but hoping it might end in adoption.  We ending up being able to adopt a sibling group placement after nine years of fostering.  And after that miraculous adoption was finalized it was a very tempting possibility for us to say, "Okay- we're done.  Someone else can take a turn now."  But something kept us from closing our license.  Maybe it's just because when you've done something for so long it becomes a part of you or maybe it's because we know all too well that there is a shortage of good foster homes.  

As for the answers to the other questions: "Do you still have the room?"  Some families may have the desire to foster or to keep fostering but they can't because there literally isn't room- they are filled to capacity for their license or they don't have the space for a child.  As for our home, it might be a little crowded but we can make room for one or maybe two more children.  "Do you still have the energy and health and motivation?"  Hmmm- that's debatable and not anything necessarily new to consider as both my physical health and motivation wax and wane.  I think at this point in time my biggest concern is "How will bringing more children into our home affect the children already in my home?"  

I think, for the most part, having other children come into our come has been an enriching experience for my children.  But I also know that I need to meet my own children's needs before I meet the needs of any other children- that's where my first responsibility lies.  And even though I have "just" three kids (because I'm aware there are much larger families out there!) giving each of them the individualized attention they need and chauffeuring them to lessons and practices and appointments keeps us busy enough.

Unfortunately, I still don't have a definite answer to the question of "Am I done yet?"  "Do we keep fostering?" but we did decide after our last respite placement that we will no longer be fostering babies.  If we do decide to keep our license open for another year we will be focusing on older children (at least school-aged) or respite placements.  In the meantime, I'll be focusing my efforts on our three children and graduate school and my internship and trying to find some occasional time to volunteer in my children's classrooms.  I think that's plenty to keep me busy for now.  

Another Respite Placement

This month we did respite care for two different sibling groups.  I wrote about the first group here. 

The second sibling group was a brother and sister as well- the older sister was 7 years old and her younger brother was 2 years old which means that for a couple of days we had two 2 year olds, one 3 year old, a 7 year old and an 8 year old under one roof.  Speaking of which, I saw this and it seemed extremely accurate to me:

While I'm on the topic of kids and summer, is it just me or are kids less heat-aware as children and much more heat-sensitive as they age?  For example, begging to go outside at the absolute HOTTEST time of the day.  "Do you not realize it's burning hot right now and you could be indoors playing where it's cool and air-conditioned?"  I have thought that or said it out loud to my kids when they beg to play outside at noon on summer days.  Needless to say, most of our outdoor ventures during the summer are early in the morning or in the late afternoon or evening but NOT during the middle of the day.

Back to this sibling group: I will refer to the girl as "Kari" and to her younger brother as "Zeke". Two-year-old Zeke reminded me of a little stocky caveman who used only a few words and many grunts to communicate.  He was pretty easy to care for as long as he was fed and had something to keep his attention.  I think he was able to settle in well in large part because he followed his older sister's lead.  And she was not shy.  At all.

Like her brother, Kari was somewhat stocky in her stature as well so she appeared to be much older than her seven years- perhaps ten or eleven.  In fact, my oldest daughter who is over a year older than Kari and average in her build looked downright petite when the girls played together. 

Kari not only looked older than she actually was but in some ways she also seemed more mature and responsible than most children her age by the way she watched over her little brother (parentification, anyone?), helped clean up around the house, and made sure that all of the kids shared their toys with each other or used good manners.  However, I was reminded that she was still a 7 year old when she would want to show off for me and clamor for my attention- whether it was performing a song she made up on the piano or doing a trick on the trampoline or showing me how she arranged stickers to decorate a piece of paper. 

Children of all ages need attention- not just younger ones with their constant "Look at Me!"s  "Watch What I Can Do!" but children in middle childhood and tweens and teens as well.  I think they just "ask" for it or "perform" in different ways.

I don't know a whole lot about why Kari and Zeke came into care but I do know that the reason they were placed with the foster family they were placed with is because they had adopted Kari and Zeke's half-brother.  With that in mind, I thought it was interesting when, during a moment of playing "doctor" (Kari grabbed the Fisher Price Dr's Kit from our toy room and insisted that I be her patient as she measured my blood pressure, gave me shots, and listened to my heart), Kari handed me a baby doll and announced, "And now you just had a baby.  And you get to stay in the hospital with your baby for ten days!"

ME: Ten days, Wow!

I must have been smiling or had a funny look on my face because she immediately looked at me and asked, "Is that how long you were in the hospital with these kids?"

After verifying that "these kids" were my children since only one of them was in the room I answered,

ME:  No- they didn't come from my stomach in the hospital (although I did bring two of them home from the hospital as newborns) because they were adopted.

Kari's face remained stoic.

ME:  Do you know what that means to be adopted?

KARI:  Because their mom couldn't take care of them?

ME:  Well, no- not exactly.  M's birthmother (I was nodding in M's direction as I spoke) could have taken care of her but she wanted M. to have a mommy AND a daddy so she chose my husband and I to be her parents.

M (Interrupting excitedly):  Isn't is cool how my birthmom's name is on my bike?!

ME:  Yes.  And how that was the name of the horse you rode that time we went horseback riding, too?  True stories- we thought that was serendipitous in both instances considering M's birthmom doesn't have an unusual name but it's not an overly common name, either.

I went back to explaining to Kari . . .

ME:  But my other children's birthmom couldn't take care of them.  So they were in foster care . . .

(as soon as I said "foster care" I wondered what feelings it would produce in Kari but she looked unfazed)

ME: . . . and that's why we were able to adopt them. 

Kari went back to playing with the doctor's kit.  I thought it was interesting that when I brought up adoption in the presence of a foster child with a half sibling who had been adopted, Kari  immediately associated the phrase "adopted" with birthparents not being able to care for a child.  Sometimes that's the case but many times it's not.   Many times a birthparent would be able to care for a child and they might make an exceptional parent (or they already may be an exceptional parent if they have children) but they want to give their child something more than what they can currently give them- whether that be a two-parent family [as in the case of our daughter's birthmother] or a life free of poverty and domestic violence and the effects of addiction [as in the case of our youngest children's birthmother.]

One last thing I'll add about an advantage to fostering a sibling group with a younger and an older child: It was very helpful to have Kari's help when trying to decipher Zeke's cave-man language as well as being able to ask her about his food preferences or what worked well to calm him down when he was upset, etc.  

Our First Teenager

I recently did something as a foster parent that was a FIRST for me.  I got out of my comfort zone and expanded my horizons with the last placement we took- in large part due to the fact that it was a respite placement of two siblings- and I knew that it would be for less than a day.  

We've done respite for other foster families before so that wasn't new to me and we've taken sibling groups so that wasn't new to us either, but it was the ages of the children we recently watched in our home which was a first for me.  I feel most comfortable caring for babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers and my protective husband most assuredly feels safest not bringing any children in our home who are older than our oldest child (who is almost nine).  However, since I knew that this respite placement would only be for an evening I said yes to a sibling group of two- an eleven year old and a thirteen year old.  Did you catch the suffix of that last age?  A TEENAGER!  I said "yes" to having a teenager in my home despite having no experience ever parenting a teenage before.  

I tend to be somewhat cautious so I admit that I did have some concerns as I imagined the worst possible scenarios that could happen as a result of having two older children whom I had never met before- strangers, essentially- into my home for a couple of hours with my younger children of approximately 9, 3, and 2 years of age.  

-What if the kids swear like sailors or use especially vulgar language?  As a grown woman, I can handle that, but as a mom with young children in the home I know for a fact that my 2 year old is like a little parrot eager to repeat whatever new word or phrases she hears- especially if the result is ensuing laughter or extra attention.

-What if the kids bully my children because they're just "acting out" domestic violence they're used to?   Or worse?  Again, since I knew this would be a very short-term placement I was placated by the fact that all of the children- my own three and these two foster children- would be under my supervision and in my sight THE ENTIRE TIME they were in our home.  This was an assurance for me because I  know that things can happen in just a matter of minutes.  Nevertheless, I felt confident enough that if I were to witness something my Mama Bear instincts would kick in to preserve my children's safety which is top priority and hopefully I would have the restraint to separate the actions of any perpetrating children from the child themselves and not go ballistic.

-What if the kids talk back to me or sass?  If they do, they do and I can handle it.  Of course I may be muttering something in my head like "little ingrates!" or a passive aggressive, sarcastic "You're welcome for me opening my home to you!" while trying to keep calm on the outside but I'm a grown woman and I can handle it.

Those were my worries and concerns before taking our first placement of "older" children.

Here's what actually unfolded:

I will refer to these children as "Chloe" and "Cade".  Although Chloe and Cade were, in fact, siblings, they were polar opposites in personality.  11 year old Cade practically flew out of the car his foster mom was driving and started tossing a football around on our front lawn and made himself right at home.  His older sister, however, was much more reticent and waited in the passenger seat of the car for a minute or two before feeling comfortable enough to even come to the porch.

Chloe's foster mom seemed a little embarrassed about Chloe's hesitancy and apologized on her behalf but I said, "Oh- no problem at all."  especially since I had read the two or three brief sentences she had texted me a few hours earlier in response to my question, "So is there anything I should know about the kids?".  She replied that they were pretty much "normal kids" but did mention the fact that her teenage foster daughter is very quiet until she feels safe with someone.  Given what little I knew of the children's background and as somewhat of an introvert myself, that seemed just fine with me. Some people get uncomfortable around people who are too quiet or reserved, but I understand the need for space and privacy.

After the kids got here we spent part of the evening playing in the backyard and part of the evening indoors watching TV and playing X-box.  It was entertaining to watch my oldest daughter, who is somewhat of a tomboy, interact with Cade- they got along great.  Chloe took a couple hours till she warmed up to us and if anything, the kids were overly polite- I practically had to beg them to have some pizza and breadsticks which I bought before their foster mom brought them over.  I kept asking, "Are you hungry?  Please help yourself."  They both replied "We're fine." several times until I finally asked an hour or so later, "Are you sure you're not hungry?"  Cade explained that he didn't want to eat anything because it was "rude" to eat at other people's houses.  I explained that since he was a guest in our home and I was the one who offered him the food that it wan't rude at all.  Fortunately, they finally appeased and ate.

Cade was easy-going and talkative but I think the most that ever came our of Chloe's mouth was, "Is it okay if I put my feet up on the couch while I rest?" as she was laying down on one of our couches. "Totally!" I reassured her, since she had already taken her shoes off.  Then when she fell asleep (or perhaps she was just feigning sleep- who knows) I brought her a soft blanket to cover over with in case she wanted it.

Really nothing eventful happened during that time that Chloe and Cade stayed with us and that's actually a good thing.  No cussing, bullying, back-talking or even eye-rolling.  They were both good kids.  I was a little surprised when they left and Chloe turned to me and said, "Thank you for being so nice to us." because I wasn't being nice- I was just being regular.  I wondered if she had experienced something less than ideal in a previous foster home.

Although I was curious about the kid's background I didn't want to pry too much.  I did casually ask, "So how long have you been with your foster family?"  If I remember correctly it had been for several months so I had no idea if their case was headed towards adoption or reunification.  Chloe did mention with some discouragement in her voice, "We usually get moved about every six months." Again, I was curious but I refrained from inquiring and just said something like, "Wow- that would be hard.  I wouldn't like that."

So that was my first experience with "older" foster kids in my home and it went just fine.  I felt silly for worrying so much beforehand.  Of course, it was such a short time period that there probably wasn't even time to have a "honeymoon period" come to an end.

Less than a week later my RFC called and asked if we would be able to do respite for Chloe and Cade again- this time for five days while their foster family was on vacation.  Although I wanted to say "yes" my husband (the practical one in our marriage) reminded me of obligations we would have during the week that would make it difficult to take two more children into our home so I had to say "no".   And of course I felt guilty afterwards.  I didn't feel guilty so much because I felt that there was nobody else who could take them in, but because their foster mom specifically requested for me to do respite for her again because the kids felt comfortable being in our home and I know that Chloe would have to go through the process of being put in a stranger's home- yet again- and having to adjust accordingly.

Our Second Respite Placement- Part Two

Emily’s foster mom dropped her off to our house on a Sunday morning- just a few hours before we left to church.

Emily just turned 2 a couple months earlier and despite her very petite frame she had a very big personality and loud voice to make up for anything small about her.  Although she did cry for a few minutes when her foster mom hugged her and said goodbye (I noticed her foster mom was trying to fight back tears as well) she quickly busied herself with eating her breakfast and getting acquainted with everyone and everything in our household.

Emily was not shy at all and she took an immediate liking to our 7 year old daughter, M.  This was very fortunate because as soon as Jill (just 2 months difference in age than Emily) realized that another little girl was in our home she immediately became possessive of “my mommy”.   

As for my husband, he came home from a church meeting shortly before we left to go to church just in time to meet the latest addition of our family and help me get all of the kids and diaper bag packed up in the car.

Remember how in my previous post I mentioned that Emily’s foster mom told me that Emily preferred males to females and how her foster mom wondered if she would refer to us as “Mommy” and “Daddy”?  Well, as soon as Jack and Jill and M. greeted my husband with hugs and kisses and exclaimed “Daddy!” when he walked in the door Emily followed their lead and you would have thought she had always been a part of our family.

Emily’s preference for male caregivers definitely worked in our favor during church because Emily had no reservations at all sitting on my husband’s lap while I focused my attention on Jill who can be somewhat of a live wire. 

We made it through about the first half of the Sacrament Service without having to take any children out of the chapel (a small miracle in itself!) and when Jill started getting too loud we played a game of musical toddlers with my husband taking Jill out, me keeping Jack entertained, and M. playing the role of little mother to Emily and gently setting her on her lap and quietly looking at a board book with her. 

Occasionally Emily would come over to me and want me to hold her so we would adjust children and lap space accordingly. The funny thing is, I think I may have seen one or two members of our congregation do a double take when they saw me holding a little girl with long, brunette hair on my lap (Emily) rather than my blonde, short-haired Jill.

Foster families are used to getting stares though- whether it’s because you look like you’re running a Day Care or because not everyone in your family “matches” each other or because you suddenly show up with a new child out of the blue one day.

I’ve probably mentioned how our daughter M. has always been a natural with babies and little children.  With this recent placement she was a huge help on Sundays during church and throughout the rest of the week.  M. seemed to be initially flattered to have a new doting toddler become her little shadow- for the first few days that Emily stayed with us, that is.  Eventually, however, M. decided she needed some space and would become somewhat annoyed with Emily’s spontaneous hugs or her propensity to follow her around everywhere like a little, lost puppy dog.  “Welcome to Motherhood!” I felt like telling M. who, by the end of the week, would even go so far as to spend time in her room or a different part of the house in order to have some space and privacy.

Jack is definitely our most mellow and reserved child.  I guess in that respect he is much like me- observing things and seemingly keeping his thoughts to himself rather than having to create a lot of drama or needing to seek attention all the time.  Sometimes I attribute this to the fact that he’s a boy (and males appear much less emotional than females) but other times I feel like it’s because of his birth order as the middle child who keeps a low profile.  Whatever the reason, Jack seemed to not make too much of a deal when Emily showed up all of the sudden at our house- he just kind of went with the flow. 

Jill, on the other hand, probably had the hardest adjustment to make with a new child in our home- especially when that new child was another little girl her age.  Not only are Jill and Emily both active toddlers but they are both very headstrong in their ways and used to being the center of attention.  Jill is the “baby” in our family and in Emily’s foster family she is the youngest child.  Even if I had not known that fact, it became apparent very quickly that Emily is accustomed to having a lot of individualized attention. 

Because of these dynamics I felt much like a referee last week, constantly sorting out squabbles between toddlers when Emily and Jill would compete for a toy or to be on my lap (It was impossible to hold just one of them without the other immediately becoming jealous).

And yes, just as Jill referred to my husband as “Daddy” she would address me as “Mommy!” in her small but commanding voice several times a day. 

There was more than one incident of hitting or yelling between Emily and Jill but afterwards as I would try to redirect the girl’s behavior they would hug each other like they were best friends. 

While Jill had no problem whatsoever asserting her “dominance” over a certain toy or telling Emily how she felt Jack, who also happens to be my most conscientious child, would look at me with a shock and betrayed look on his face and proclaim “She took it from me!” when Emily would steal a toy from him. Nevertheless, he was initially too shy (or perhaps too polite?) to actually take it back from her even though he loomed over her by at least a foot or two since he’s a year older than Emily and taller than average for his age.  It took four or five days till he was finally comfortable enough to take any toys back from Emily or dare to talk back to any of her sass.

On more than one occasion Jill guarded our toy room door like a bouncer at a bar or night club.  With a furrowed brow and scowl on her face she would say, “Go Away!” and motion Emily away.  M. would start laughing when her baby sister did this and I would have to tell her to stop even though I had to bite my lip from busting up at our little Bouncer the first time I observed it.

Basically, one minute Jill and Emily would be best friends dancing and laughing together and the next minute one of them would be in tears as the result of a sudden clash of wills.

I was grateful that M. was so helpful during the week in giving Emily some extra attention when Jill was particularly clingy to me as Jill has always been a bit of a momma’s girl.   Then again, I didn’t want M. to feel like an older Duggar child taking over the role of parent to younger siblings because that’s not her job.  Because of this I would try and do something fun with M. at night after the younger kids had gone to bed- just her and me- so that she would remember that even though she’s the oldest she’s still my little girl and she can always take time to play because that’s what childhood should be about.

Of all our children I know that having Emily placed with us was hardest on Jill.  How confusing for her to watch me share my attention with another little girl so close to her age who just suddenly appeared in our home one day!  It makes me wonder how blended and step-families must work so hard to adjust to everyone’s new roles and differing personalities without anyone feeling like they are being replaced or that they have to compete with each other. 

This last placement was also a good reminder to me that Yes, it is a sacrifice . . .  but we could possibly take another child into our home.  However, it would be best to stay away from a child so close in age to and the same gender as Jill.  In other words, no virtual twinning- especially for my girls given their dominant personalities- unless the other child happens to be extremely mellow and has a personality more like Jack’s.

AND NOW FOR A MINI-POST WITHIN A POST

Q:  How would fostering affect the children already in my home?

I think there are probably a lot of families who are interested in fostering but they are concerned with how it would affect the children already in their home. It's a highly personal decision to make but I think I would offer up this bit of advice to any such families:

A:  If any of the children in your home meet the following criteria:

1) Have special needs

2)  Are very young in age

3)  Are not totally on board with the idea of more children coming into your home

. . . Then it would probably be best to focus on the needs of your own children first before trying to help anyone else's children.

Having said that (and at the risk of sounding like a hypocrite for not following my own advice), perhaps we'll wait a couple of years till Jack and Jill are a bit older till we take any more permanent placements. But who knows.

Back to the topic of how our children and members of our family reacted to Emily being placed with us for eight days:  I kept thinking of Jack- the poor “neglected middle child” and only boy in our family- being stuck in the middle of all these dramatic girls.  He’s a good sport.  I wonder if the fact that Emily was female rather than male made it easier or harder for him to adjust.  

As for me, by Day 5 of Emily being placed with us I started to wonder, “Is there such a thing as respite for respite care providers?”  Okay, maybe it wasn’t really that bad but the constant squabbling and competing for my attention between two very headstrong toddler girls definitely started to test my patience.  But that’s the great thing about respite care- you know it’s only temporary so even if (hypothetically speaking) the child is a holy terror then you have the assurance that they won’t be in your home forever- just for hours or days.

On another note, when my husband sensed that it might be a good idea for us to get a babysitter so that we could have a date night (and so that I could take a break) I actually became a little resentful thinking “If we hired a teenage girl to babysit for us for a couple of hours we would have to pay her more than we, as foster parents, are reimbursed for the cost of caring for a child for one day.”  I promise I am NOT the type of person to think “I’m going to do this thing for that outcome (reward or whatever)” but my conclusion illustrates the point that as a foster parent I definitely don’t do this for the money.

Now for the good things about respite placements in general (lest you think this is solely a post for me to vent):

When Emily’s foster mom dropped her off she had a daily schedule written out of naptimes, mealtimes, her favorite foods and T.V. shows or songs, etc.  It is SO MUCH EASIER to care for a child when you have an idea of the type of routine they are used to as opposed to getting a “regular” foster placement where you have no idea if the little stranger now placed in your care is accustomed to getting regular meals, has any understanding of what vegetables are, or is even used to bathing on a regular basis without freaking out from the running bath water!  Knowing what routines the child is used to is helpful not only for the foster child in making a smoother transition to their new, foreign environment but to the foster family as well.  

I have heard that if people are unsure about fostering or want a good introduction to fostering, they should provide respite care which is even more temporary than foster care.  Although we never did respite care until after we had some “regular” foster placements, I think that’s a great idea.  Plus, if a placement is a particularly rough one you can always remind yourself, “It’s just a couple of days or over the weekend or for one week”- (whatever the case may be).

I think another advantage to doing respite care is that you are able to get a taste for what ages/genders/severity of needs work best for your family. 

To sum up the recent experience of our second respite placement:  It was good to be able to help out so that another foster family could go on vacation but I sure will be happy to focus all my attention on my three children and have a sense of “normalcy” return to our family.

Our Second Respite Placement- Part One

Last week our family consisted of our own children- ages 7, 2 ½ and 1 ½ years old- PLUS a 2 year old girl we watched as we provided respite care for her foster family who went on vacation out of state for eight days.  Needless to say, it was a busy week.

This was the first placement we have taken since Jack and Jill were adopted and, therefore, it was also the first placement where we’ve had more than one child of our own to take into consideration when trying to decide if the placement would be a good fit for our family.* 

I expected- simply because of the factor of ages alone- that having three children under 3 years of age would be a bit challenging- regardless of if our 2 year old placement, whom I will refer to as “Emily”, were the best-behaved child in the world.  Age is probably the biggest factor in predicting how this particular placement would affect my children but I think that the personality types and the genders of my children also played a big part (I know, I know- I analyze things too much).  Each of my children acted a little bit differently to Emily coming into our home and I’ll elaborate on that later.

After getting the call from our Resource Family Consultant [the caseworker who works with us as foster parents and calls about potential placements which might be a good fit for our family] I asked my 7 year old daughter, M. how she felt about the idea of us watching a 2 year old girl for a week.  She seemed pretty excited and my husband was on board as well (largely due to the fact that it would only be for a week).   I was curious as to how Jack and Jill would respond to having a child so close to their own ages in our home but with their young ages I obviously couldn’t put the issue to a family vote, so I simply explained to them that we would be having a “friend” come stay with us for a week.

I was able to talk with Emily’s foster mom on the phone a few days before Emily came to our home which was very helpful.  As she was sharing information with me, Emily’s foster mom explained that this was actually the second time that Emily had come into their care.   She was with them for several months as a baby, was reunited with her father, and then just a few weeks ago she came back into their care again. 

I remembered how hard it was for me to leave Jack and Jill with another foster family last year when our family went out of the country on a family trip that had been a long time in the planning and it obviously wouldn’t have been possible to take them with us.  Even though (at that point) my foster children weren’t technically “my” children I wanted to make sure that they were going to a good home while we were gone.  Because let’s face it, foster families are like all families- there are some good ones out there and some not-so-good ones.  Fortunately, with the help of our RFC, Jack and Jill were placed with a wonderful foster family while we were gone.  It was a huge relief and blessing for me.

On a side note: Another good reason foster families should get to know other foster families in their area (besides being a source of support for each other) is to learn which families you can trust if you ever need to use respite.

I also remembered feeling guilty when we had to use respite for a few other family vacations over the years- including an anniversary trip to Hawaii.  But foster families shouldn’t have to put their lives on hold just because they have a placement.  Because of this, I wanted to reassure Emily’s foster mom that she should just try to relax and have fun with her family because we would take good care of Emily.  The morning she dropped Emily off to our house she confided, “I know that she’ll be alright while we’re gone- it’s ME I’m worried about.”  Totally understood.  

In our short phone conversation with each other, Emily’s foster mom also mentioned that their family had adopted Emily’s half-brother which is why she was placed with them in the first place.   She also mentioned that because Emily was returned to the care of her father she actually preferred male caregivers to female caregivers and she was curious to see if she would prefer my husband over me as she preferred her foster father over her foster mother.  She was also curious to see if Emily would refer to us as “mom” and “dad” which is what she calls her foster parents.

*I think it was much easier to open our home to foster placements when my husband and I had no children because it was just a matter of US adjusting to having the child in our home and adapting to their personality and needs.  Plus, we could shower a ton of attention on any foster children without having to worry about dividing up our time and efforts with any other children in the home.

It was a little more difficult after our daughter was adopted because then we had to examine how any placements would affect her as well.  [And, of course, being first-time “official” parents who were totally overly protective of her we would often imagine the worst case scenario which has a lot to do with why up till now we have only taken foster placements younger than she is].  Similarly, now that we have three children we have to assess how any future placements or adoptions might affect each of our children -taking into account their different personalities, stages in life, and particular needs.

In retrospect, I think that a childless couple would be a great candidate for fostering or adopting a sibling group.  We were too hesitant to take more than one child at a time until after we had been fostering for five or six years.  Ironically, now that I feel more open to fostering or adopting [another] sibling group I get disappointed when I am drawn to a profile of a sibling group or older child only to discover that they “must be the youngest or only child” in the family.  Families with no children in their home would be a perfect fit for these kids!  

Our First Respite Placement

Our house has felt pretty empty now that we're back to a one-child family again so when our RFC called and asked if we were interested in providing respite care to a toddler for 5 days over Memorial Day Weekend I thought  "Why not?"

Foster parents can use respite care through other foster families when they are going on vacation or out of town and can't bring their foster child with them or if they just need a break.  I've heard caseworkers and others say that respite care is also a good resource and is recommended for foster parents to use to prevent from becoming burnt out.  Although we've used respite care before we've never taken any respite placements- until now.

When our RFC called about this respite placement- a 2 year old boy whom I will refer to as "Casey"- the only information I was told was his age and that he was brought into care because of DV (domestic violence) issues.  Consequently, I envisioned the worst-case scenario in my mind: lots of hitting, kicking, throwing, biting, etc.  However, I figured since my daughter has allready had experience with one physically aggressive foster sibling and this little boy would be younger and smaller than her, she would be able to hold her own and there would be no serious threats to her safety.  When I talked to Casey's foster mother and got some more info it sounded like any aggression Casey did display could be classified as typical 2 year old "I don't want to share my toys- I'm frustrated" aggression rather than any serious pathological violence to be worried about.  I also figured if this placement did end up being particularly challenging it was only for five days.

Fortunately, Casey was fairly easy to care for and he transitioned into our home quite naturally.  He was also a really cute little boy, by the way.   Although he and my daughter did have their share of  squabbles, for the most part they got along well and enjoyed playing together.

Casey did have a few tantrums/meltdowns, but they were short-lived and were almost always precipitated by trying to enforce a routine (bedtime, naptime) or trying to gently reprimand & redirect his behavior when he couldn't have things his way (like taking a toy from someone or hitting).  Two other bits of information that his foster mother shared with me beforehand which helped me understand where his meltdowns were coming from is that 1) He is an only child and not used to sharing and 2)  His mother was somewhat indulgent with him, so it's understandable that he would be upset when he didn't get his way all the time.

I pulled some tools out of my mental Love & Logic Parenting Toolbox and tried to put into practice a couple of parenting/relationship techniques on Casey when he would get upset. The first technique is simply to 1) Let him feel his feelings and validate them rather than trying to fix them right away.  The other practice was to 2)  Give him as much choice as possible in a situation so that he feels empowered and in control.  I'll elaborate on each.  

As far as # 1 goes, letting him feel his feelings, I think many people have a tendency, when someone close to them expresses hurt, anger, or pain to try to "fix" the situation and make it all better- or even use a distraction so that the real problem doesn't have to be dealt with.  In fact, as a parent, I sometimes mistakenly believe that I must "protect" my child from any hurt or sad feelings she has because I don't want to see her in pain.  But realistically, what are the long-term effects and ramifications of brushing aside feelings and not talking them out? 

Back to letting Casey feel his feelings: One instance where I let Casey simply "feel" his feelings without trying to distract him or make everything better is one night when he was having a particularly hard time at bedtime. He threw a tantrum about not wanting to go to bed, but underneath his frustration there was a lot of sadness and between tears he told me "I want my mom."   I was tempted to make everything all better by saying, "Don't worry- you'll get to see her next week at your visit!" and sound happy about it for his sake.  Instead I put my arm around him and said, "I'm sorry- that must be very hard. I bet she misses you so much, too."   But I couldn't just leave it at that.  The "fixer" in me had to add ". . . and you'll get to see her next week!"
 
Let me preface the next situation I had with Casey with these thoughts:   I think that a lot of times when a young child expresses a strong, unpleasant emotion by yelling or throwing a tantrum, the easiest and most automatic response a caregiver has is to do whatever it takes to stop the whining or crying.  Especially if you're in public and don't want to make a scene.  Sometimes a child's tantrum may be symptomatic of something else (that it's naptime, as a prime example, or that the child wants some extra attention.)  But many times- not always, but often- toddlers and little kids have learned to throw a tantrum with the express purpose of getting their way. 

For example, say I'm at the checkout line at the grocery store and my child starts whining because they want a candy bar or treat.  I say "Not today." and their whining increases and turns into a full-blown tantrum.  How I wish this were just a hypotheitcal situation I'm using, but I am, in fact, speaking from experience.  Please don't tell me that you've never been "that parent" with "that child"!  As my child's tantrum escalates in loudness and intensity I sense (either imaginary or real) disapproving glances from onlookers that rhetorically ask, "Can't you control your child?".  Although I have tried, perhaps repeatedly, to set limits and tell my child "no" I cave in to avoid making a scene by grabbing a candy bar, tossing it into the cart and telling my child, in hushed and pleading tones, "Fine- stop crying."  My child does stop crying because they've gotten what they've wanted, but have I really "controlled" them- or have they controlled me?

Just as bad is when I don't give in to my child and because of this they begin moping or crying and I get even more of the judgmental "Can't you control your child?" looks.  I much prefer to get a warm smile, a knowing chuckle or even a "Been There Done That" look/comment instead. 

So, having said all that, the other time I let Casey simply feel and express his feelings without shaming him or dismissing them was when he had what was probably his worst meltdown/tantrum the entire time he was with us. We also just so happened to be out in public- at a very crowded venue.  

At one point (incidentally, naptime was approaching which didn't help matters) Casey started literally kicking his tiny legs and screaming at a pitch that rivals an ambulance siren, but rather than tell him to stop I decided to let him holler away till he got it out of his system. I was mindful, however, to push his stroller to a less crowded area so as not to disturb others.  I was hoping that the sunglasses I was wearing would magically deflect the obvious stares of those around me or somehow make me less conspicuous, but no- I could still feel those awful stares boring into me.  Perhaps I was a bit sensitive but I felt like holding up a sign in my defense that said- "Why, no, I can't control him. And incidentally, he's not my child."  Another sign:  "He's been separated from his family and is forced to live with strangers. Can you imagine the stress an adult- let alone a child- would feel if they were in such a situation?"  Which leads me to my final (and shortest) sign:  "HE'S TWO- give him a break!"

As far as the second technique of empowering children by giving them choices, I think it's especially important for a little person who is put into a situation which is totally out of their control (i.e. foster care) and they suddenly find themselves faced with diffferent routines, rules, norms, etc. to at least feel some amount of control and freedom of choice.  So, for example, when Casey protested getting ready for bed I would ask "Do you want to wear your Spiderman pajamas or your Cars pajamas?"  "As soon as you get into bed then I'll turn on the fish aquarium nightlite."   And then, of course, I would PRAISE HIM LIKE CRAZY for his choice: "I knew you could get in bed!  Now you can watch the fishies."  If he was sluggish coming to eat breakfast rather than getting upset (and annoyed) and telling him "Sit down and eat!" I would ask "What cereal would you like- this one or that one?  "Do you want milk or orange juice?"  It may just be little choices and seem like the simplest thing, but hopefully it helped to make him feel like he had at least some amount of control.

Incidentally, speaking of giving children choices versus controlling every choice they make, I remember reading the chapter in Bruce Perry's The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog about the Davidian children he worked with from the Waco compund after they were taken into state custody. Because David Koresh and others were so controlling of so many aspects of their lives, when these children were faced with making a simple choice such as "Do you want a baloney sandwhich or a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich?"  they would become distraught and caught off guard because they weren't used to choosing anything for themselves. 

Colic

It's been a long time since we've had a baby in our home (2 years). It's been an even longer time since we've had a baby girl in our home (4 years). Needless to say, over the past week we've been savoring the experience that only a baby girl can bring into a home. Of course, I would be lying if I said that every moment with Rose has been pure bliss.  A new baby in the house means, among other demands, middle of the night feedings and it's a tiring adjustment to have to make all of the sudden.

In addition, Rose has some problems with colic and acid reflux so I've had to experiment to see which burping position is most comfortable for her and exactly how much and how often she needs to be fed, and which formula (since she just changed formulas) and which medicines (fortunately she only has two) work best for her. It sure would be convenient if foster babies came with detailed notes from their parents of when they eat, how much they eat, when they sleep, how much they sleep, how best to soothe them, etc. but the sad fact is, especially if a baby or child is coming from a situation of neglect, there may not be any "norm" or routine at all when it comes to when and if they get fed or if they've been cared for at all. It's pretty much a guessing game of trial and error for the foster parent. Having said that, here's what I've discovered regarding Rose's care:

-She has to eat much more often than every four hours- more like every two or three since when she does eat she ends up spitting half of it back up.

-She prefers a to be held in a football hold- face down, with pressure on her stomach-after she's eaten or when she's particularly fussy- rather than the more traditional over-the shoulder, upright position.

And here's a couple of things I re-learned based on my past experiences in caring for colicky babies, particularly Christian*, who was a perpetual "Niagara Falls":

-Sometimes it's more comfortable for the baby who spits up frequently (or who has a stuffed up nose) to be placed back to sleep in their car seat- in an elevated, upright position- rather than back down in their crib.

I remembered the car seat technique when, during middle of the night feedings, I would finally get Rose to sleep or calmed down and as soon as I would place her face up in her bassinette she would become uncomfortable and fussy and prone to wake up and/or spit up even more.  If you don’t have a wedge pillow for reflux, a car seat or baby swing works pretty well, too.

-Acid reflux in babies equates with going through multiple changes of outfits, bibs, burp cloths, and blankets throughout the day . . . and consequently, having much more laundry.

I invested in some Dreft laundry detergent.  What can I say?  I love the smell!

Rose is so tiny that although she is already two months old, she looks and weighs (7 pounds) the same size as a newborn. It's amazing how many outfits a little one with acid reflux can go through! She came with only a few changes of clothes and I realized, because of her excess spitting up, that they would definitely not be enough for her. Since Rose will only be with us for a short time and we won't be given an Initial Placement Clothing Allowance I dragged a bin out of storage full of our daughter's old baby clothes. Oh the memories that come with looking through your children's old baby's clothes! Even some of our daughter's old 0-3 month clothes were far too big for Rose, so I resorted to using some of our daughter's old preemie clothes.

Some medications for colic just cause diarrhea.  Thank you, oral Zantac! Very counterproductive- it may keep their food from coming out one end- but certainly not the other.

I also bought some Gripe Water which I’ve never used before, but I’m willing to give it a try.  What I like about it is that since it’s not over the counter but a natural mix of ginger and fennel, it can be given as often as 6 times in 24 hours.  What I don’t like about it is that it needs to be refrigerated, so you can’t take it with you if you’re out and about.  In that case, colic tablets sound like a good choice- another thing I haven’t personally tried, but have heard mentioned.

*I attended a training a couple of months ago and when I sat near a familiar looking foster mom I recognized her as the woman who did respite care for me one day a couple years ago when I was sick. After talking to me at a break and making the connection she said-  “Oh. . . you're the one with the foster baby who barfed a lot.”  Not quite sure that’s how I want to be remembered in life, but Enough Said.

Extended Visits

This morning after Jared dropped Christian off to visit his father he called me on the phone and said, “I feel so bad. I handed him to his dad and as I was walking away he just kept looking up at me with his puppy dog eyes, kind of like What’s going on? Where are you going?”

I feel bad, too- but what can we do?

I felt guilty enough when we used respite care for our recent vacation. Although we knew Christian was in capable hands we worried that he might think we were abandoning him.

So, to make things feel as “normal” as possible for him while he was in a new environment with strangers (and to make it as easy as possible for the woman providing respite care for us) I sent his favorite blankets, toys, and binkies, and wrote an extremely detailed list of his daily schedule including his bedtime routine, nap times, and feeding schedule.

Overall Christian did pretty well while we were gone, but the foster mother providing respite care for us reported that he didn’t stick to his nap routine: instead of sleeping all the way through his morning nap which is typically his longest nap of the day, he would wake up after a short time. I guess he missed sleeping in the nursery in his own crib.

Of course, there’s no way of knowing what’s going on in a baby’s mind. Who knows what he thinks on days like today when he has extended visits with his parents: We drop him off in the morning and he spends 4 hours with his dad and then he spends 4 hours with his mom. Then we pick him up in the evening and bring him “home”. It’s like musical chairs- or rather, musical parents who are all caring for one child being shuffled around.

So why does he see each parent separately? Well, the latest update from Christian’s caseworker is that they were thinking about getting back together and had actually dropped the no-contact orders against each other. However, both the caseworker and the Guardian Ad Liteum feel that it would not be in Christian’s best interest to have the parents meet together with their son, which is why they do their visits separately. In fact, if they get “caught” visiting together then the visits will be moved back to being supervised at the DCFS Office.

Extended visits (meaning more than just the court-ordered weekly hour-long visits) started about a month ago in preparation for him returning to his parent’s care. In fact, the Permanency Hearing is exactly one month from today and I don’t see any reason why the judge wouldn’t order Christian to be placed back into his parent’s care since they’ve both been doing everything required of them in their Service Plans.

At first the extended visits started out as two hours a week for each parent, now we’re up to four hours each, and starting next week we’ll probably start moving up to six hours each (which is basically the whole day) and finally we’ll make the transitional overnight visits. I’m unsure if his caseworker will recommend having extended or overnight visits for more than just once a week but I sure think it would be beneficial for everyone- especially Christian.

My hope is that in the next month Christian will be start feeling more “at home” in his parent’s homes than he does in our home. Or in the least I hope he starts making the connection that his parents are his mommy and daddy rather than just “the guy that plays with me once a week” or “the lady who watches me” when I’m not at my “regular” house.

Respite Care

I have a good excuse for my recent lack of posts: I have been on VACATION in Hawaii celebrating our Tenth Anniversary, which, incidentally, brings me to the topic of this post.

respite: (ˈres-pət): an interval of rest or relief

Q: What happens when a foster family wants to go on vacation?  Do they take their foster children with them?

A: It depends on where they are going- if they are in the same state no big deal but if they are going out of state they have two options:

1. Take their foster child with them after getting permission from the child's birthparents and the child's caseworker and/or guardian ad liteum, (because technically speaking, traveling out of state with a child who is not legally one's own is "kidnapping").
2. Use Respite Care

Q: What happens when foster parents need someone to watch their foster child because they want to have a date night or a weekend getaway?

A: Anytime a foster parent is not with their foster child, the foster child can only be watched in a licensed foster home (which has undergone health & safety checks) OR by another foster parent.  Therefore, if my husband and I want to go out on a date night we could:

1. Get a babysitter to watch our foster children in our home but we wouldn't be able to just drop him off at say, a family member's house or a neighbor's house (unless, of course, they are licensed foster care providers).  That is why it's good for foster families to get to know other foster families in their area so that should the need arise they can
2. Use Respite Care with another foster family

In the state of Utah foster parents are able to use one day of respite care a month not to exceed 12 days of respite in one year.  Or if they choose, they can "save up" days for extended periods of time such as vacation.

We never used respite care for our first two placements but we used respite care twice with this placement: one day earlier this year when I was sick and most recently when we went on vacation.  We figured that since we were not only going out of state but going overseas as well it would be easiest (and more of a vacation) to leave Christian behind so while we were gone he stayed with another foster family who lives less than a mile from us.