Helping Others Understand Adoption

I have a friend named Judy.  Judy is both an adoptive mom and a social worker and I don't think she's even aware of this, but I've heard her say two things regarding adoption that have always stuck with me.  I'd like to pass them on in case they're helpful to anybody else. 

The first example:

Judy recounted how she heard someone once tell her "But I just don't understand how you can love a child if they're not biologically related to you?"

Judy's calm but oh-so-wise response to the woman who expressed this concern was:

Judy:  Do you share your husband's genes?

Woman: (Somewhat puzzled) Of course not!

Judy:  But do you love your husband?

Woman:  Well, of course!

Judy:  But you don't share any genes with him- how can you love him?

Woman:  Oh . . .

That simple explanation was enough for this woman to "get it" and understand something she didn't quite relate to previously.

The second example is not something that Judy actually said but that one of her adopted daughters has told people in response to the question:

"How long have you known you were adopted?"

Her daughter's similarly rhetorical reply is "How long have you known you were a boy or a girl?"  In other words, when something is never questioned or hidden but just explained as an obvious fact, then there is no sudden "A-ha" moment of realization because it's as natural as having a belly button- you don't question how it got there- it's just always been there.

I share those examples in the hopes that they might be helpful in explaining adoption to others or in reassuring any prospective adoptive parents out there that if you share with your child that they were adopted from the very beginning, it just becomes a part of who they are, which can be beneficial in preventing less identity confusion or resentment from not knowing later on in life.

Seven Core Issues in Adoption

I would HIGHLY RECOMMEND that anyone who has:

- been adopted

- loves someone who has been adopted

-has placed a child for adoption

-has had their parental rights terminated and had another family adopt their child

-loves someone who has placed a child for adoption

-loves someone whose child has been adopted (not necessarily by their own choice)

-has adopted

- who is considering adopting , or

-loves someone who is considering adopting or has adopted

BECOME FAMILIAR WITH THESE CHARTS!

  

[Maybe not so familiar that you have to study them and pass a quiz type familiar- but familiar enough with the concept that adoption is a complex issue and as wonderful as it CAN be, there is loss felt by all involved in adoption which needs to be recognized.]

Click Images for a Clear View

This research was compiled in by two women, Deborah N. Silverstein and Sharon Kaplan Roszia, in the 1980s. 

To learn more about their findings click

here: http://www.fairfamilies.org/2012/1999/99LifelongIssues.htm

What struck me most about the research presented in these charts is that:

*  Grief and Loss seem to be the main issues of adoption trauma but I appreciated learning more about other areas that affect ALL members of the adoption triad, including rejection, guilt and shame, identity, intimacy, and mastery/control.

*Each of these core issues appear and reappear at different stages of development and in much more than just one arena of a person’s life.

*I found it particularly interesting that birthparent grief can be “postponed” for up to 15 years.  Thank goodness for awareness and support groups.

"You Don't Have to be Perfect to be a Perfect Parent" PSAs

November is National Adoption Month and this year the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, AdoptUSKids, and the Ad Council have teamed up to create a PSA campaign encouraging prospective adoptive parents to adopt older youth* from foster care. 

*older youth and teens have lower adoption rates than younger children, and they often wait longer to be adopted.  Currently, of the 5,560 youth photo-listed on the website as available for adoption, 43% are between the ages of 15 and 18 years old. Source: AdoptUSKids.org

(Incidentally, adopting an older child from foster care is something I really want to do when the time is right for our family!)

These clips are not only humorous but I, for one, think the tagline is reassuring: "You don't have to be perfect to be a perfect parent."

Take a look at the newest clips:

(I also happen to be allergic to cats- much to the chagrin of my kitty-loving daughters- so I related to the mom in the second clip.)

 To see more PSAs and real stories and experiences from foster adoptive families check out adoptuskidsYouTube channel.

My Adoption Truth: Grace and Sad

Terra Cooper is an advocate for adoption who is very active in using social media to promote a positive view of adoption. In an effort to educate others, Terra has created a hashtag campaign in which anyone impacted by adoption can share their experiences- whether that be through posting a picture on Instagram or writing a few words or paragraphs on Facebook or in an online forum- specifically related to one thought-provoking word such as "anticipation", "fear", or "trust", using the hashtag #MyAdoptionTruth.  Terra has compiled a list of over 70 different words to choose from as part of this campaign.

I've only shared my experiences with two of the words which seemed to strike a particular chord in me, but as someone who is naturally introspective and who prefers writing about my feelings rather than talking about them I've found that each word can make a great writing prompt and serves as a very effective tool in processing/analyzing/exploring any feelings related to adoption (or any serious topic for that matter). 

The other enlightening thing for me about sharing different perspectives is that as I've read the responses of others to a particular word I've been reminded that everybody's experiences are so vastly different.  Simply reflecting on one word can bring about so many varied responses.

Here's what I had to say about the words "Grace" and "Sad". 

What does Grace mean to you in adoption?

To me, the definition of grace is doing for others what they cannot do for themselves.  In light of this definition, it is truly through the grace of my children's birthmothers that I am able to be a mother myself.  That's HUGE!  I can never "repay" that grace but I can show my gratitude to my children's birthmothers and revere them and I can be ever mindful of what a gift my children are.

Lest anyone think by my response above that adoption is always bliss and conflict-free here is another response I shared when I reflected on the word "sad":

For clarification (or if you're new to this blog), all of my children are/were adopted and although their birthmothers relinquished their parental rights- each case was very different.  We adopted our daughter M. through an agency adoption after her birthmother chose us to be her parents and relinquished her parental rights just days after M. was born.  

However, we adopted our youngest two children, Jack and Jill, through foster care after they had been in our care for over a year and a half. Although Jack and Jill's first mother technically relinquished her rights, it was not because she necessarily chose us to be her parents.  Jack and Jill's mother relinquished her parental rights after two of her children were in state custody as our foster children for a year and a half and it became apparent that she would not be given any more chances and her parental rights would most likely be terminated through the process of a legal trial if she did not relinquish. 

Fortunately, during that year and a half of Jack and Jill being in our care as foster children we were able to develop a relationship with their first mother as we would interact with her at weekly supervised visits, team meetings, various appointments, and court hearings.  (Their birth father was initially involved in their case as well).  She gained our trust in caring for her children which {hopefully} made it easier for her to see her children being removed from her care, being raised by strangers, and eventually adopted. Guardianship or adoption by family members was not an option for Jack and Jill which is why we were able to adopt them.  They have been our only foster children to date where reunification, a kinship placement, or adoption by relatives was not a viable option.           

 What have been some sad moments for you in adoption?

It's sad to me that two of our children became a part of our family as a direct result of their birth family's addictions and other unsafe circumstances.  This sadness is compounded by the fact that any face-to-face contact with one of their birthparents is on hold for their safety.  

I know these two children are loved deeply by their first family and it makes me feel sad (and slightly guilty) that they joined our family at the expense of tremendous grief and loss by their first family. 

I may share some other adoption truths in future posts and would love to hear some #myadoptiontruth responses from others!

Considering Adopting Siblings?

Sibling adoption is a topic that is close to my heart since two of our children are biological siblings whom we adopted through foster care.

If you are considering adopting siblings from the foster care system or through international adoption or if you are just looking for some statistics, AdoptUSKids has put together the following fact sheet about "Myths and Realities of Sibling Adoption":

Click to enlarge images or view the PDF here 

Anyone interested in learning more on the topic might also refer to this post which focuses on the importance of keeping sibling groups together and this two-minute clip courtesy of AdoptUSKids about sibling adoption:

Adrianne's Story from BraveLove

Here's a video from BraveLove about how one young woman, Adrianne, thought her life was over when she found out she was pregnant.  In fact, she had taken out a loan to get an abortion before she considered adoption as an option.

I thought Adrianne's comments about how her African American culture has historically viewed adoption were insightful.  My hope is that those in her situation will find strength as Adrianne continues to share her story.

As I watched this video one particular quality I appreciated about Adrianne is her ability to offer hope to others while at the same time being realistic about the loss that comes with adoption.  As she says "When you place a child for adoption that is a loss . . . I wish that a lot more African American young ladies would take this step.  It looks bleak right now and I know it's gonna hurt and I know it's gonna be hard but you're gonna be fine."

"To be a birthmother it takes a lot of heart and it takes a lot of strength.  It is one of the greatest things a parent could ever do is to place their child into the hands of someone else to honor and love and care for them.  It's about our children and once we get there we'll be all right." -Adrianne

That's pure unselfishness and bravery right there!

 
Adrianne's Story from BraveLove on Vimeo.

The Sting of Hearing Certain Phrases for an Adoptive Mom

I'm going to allow myself to be a bit vulnerable today and share some feelings of loss.  Adoption can be wonderful but it can't be ignored that it is LOSS which makes it possible in the first place.   

All members of the adoption triad experience some form of loss to some degree: Birthparents lose a child- even in cases where they willingly relinquish their parental rights and are at peace with their decision and have full confidence in the family they've chosen for their child.  

Adoptive parents, and mothers in particular, may feel the loss of not having been able to conceive (and carry or give birth to) their children.

If a child is adopted at an older age their parents may feel the loss of not having been able to raise them during their formative years and missing out on all of the first's in a child's life- first tooth, first words, first day of school, etc.

Perhaps the most profound sense of loss is felt by the child who is adopted as they lose their biological family.  If their adoption is closed they could feel an amplified loss of identity, belonging, or even information on seemingly simple knowledge many of us take for granted, such as "What color of hair or eyes did my bio parents have?"  "What were they like?" to more complex issues such as "What about my medical history- am I at a greater risk for certain cancers or mental illness or alcoholism and other addictions because of my genetics?"

I can't speak for birthparents or those who have been adopted for the obvious reason that I've never been in their situation but I can acknowledge their losses and try to sympathize.  As an adoptive parent, however, I can speak for myself and empathize with other parents who have had to grieve through losses similar to what I've experienced.

With that background let me also share some additional information about myself and my feelings about adoption:  I've always felt drawn towards adoption- I can't really explain why- but it's just been a feeling or sense I've carried with me.  In the back of my mind I thought "I would like to adopt someday" whether I was able to have biological children or not.  As time went on, this sense of adoption became much more keen and clear and transformed from "I would like to adopt someday" to "I will adopt someday."

I always envisioned becoming a parent for the first time in my 20's rather then my 30's but it turns out that I'm infertile and anyone who has dealt with infertility can attest to the fact that it can really take your life's plans for a detour.  

In my opinion, the only thing worse than being infertile is being diagnosed with "unexplained infertility".  I like there to be a reason for things- my favorite question to answer is "why?"- so when my husband and I dealt with unexplained infertility for over the first half decade of our marriage it was extremely frustrating to say the least.  It's so much easier to know how to move forward when you know what exactly it is you are dealing with in the first place.

After about five years of actively trying to conceive we had some answers to where- (and in this case, with whom) the problem lied.  I was FINALLY correctly diagnosed and treated for our fertility problems- which, in my case, happens to be related to endometriosis.  It was a huge relief to finally have an explanation to why we couldn't get pregnant.  And although at that point in time the chance of me having a viable pregnancy was still a possibility for us, we had started looking into adoption as a means of building our family as well because as with going through the adoption process, fertility treatments offer no guarantee that you'll end up with a child.  

To me, adopting our children versus conceiving and giving birth to them was no big deal.  I wanted to be a parent and the technicality of how that would happen wasn't nearly as important as making sure we did all in our power to make sure that it did happen.  My husband, on the other hand, was hesitant about adoption and it took him a while to warm up to the idea.  This totally makes me laugh now because as I continue to see the interaction between my husband and our firstborn child in particular, who joined our family through adoption as a newborn, I don't think it would be possible for any father to love his child more.

With that lengthy background I'd like to share a couple of fairly recent examples of times I've experienced some feelings of loss triggered quite simply by someone's choice of words.

EXAMPLE #1: ". . . maybe you could have had your own children."

I will be needing another surgery in the near future to deal with some of the complications associated with my endometriosis.  As I was talking to a loved one about this and we were calculating how many surgeries I've had over the years as a means of treatment my loved one made the comment to me, "It sure is too bad that you weren't diagnosed sooner.  Then maybe you could have had your own children."

I was taken aback and tried to keep the conversation running smoothly but at the same time I was caught off guard and just kept thinking, "Wait a minute- did she seriously just say that?"  Now if you are reading this and don't quite understand why a comment like that would hurt so much let me try to explain it:

The term "your own children" is basically the opposite of "someone else's children" and "someone else's children" implies that these children aren't really yours- that you are an impostor.  Or that you haven't fully earned the title of parent because your children don't carry your DNA.  Ouch- That hurts.  (As much as that comment hurt I'm relieved that at least it was just said in front of me and not in my children's presence.)

Fortunately, I know the heart very well of this loved one who made the comment and I know for a fact that she would never deliberately say anything hurtful toward me or my children.  In fact, as I was analyzing what she said (I would have much preferred to just let it slide but the words "your own children" kept echoing through my mind over the next couple of hours after our conversation to the point that I couldn't just ignore them) I'm fairly certain that her remark stemmed from her frustration for and sympathy towards me in watching me have to suffer for so long both physically and emotionally with the process of becoming a parent.

From that conversation I was reminded that when someone says something which can seem insensitive or hurtful many times that is not their intent at all but they are simply unaware that such a phrase or way of putting things could be considered hurtful.  That is why education and awareness is so important.

EXAMPLE #2: "Maybe he misses his real mom" 

Shortly after we adopted Jack he was having a particularly hard day and started whining and throwing a tantrum.  We happened to have relatives over and I felt the need to apologize for his behavior- whether it was the result of him being tired or frustrated or simply of being a 2-year-old.  "I don't know what's wrong- he's having a rough time." I sheepishly explained.  My relative quickly offered up his assessment and said, "Maybe he misses his real mom."  

Once again, I was just so startled at that comment that I didn't even have time to formulate a good response.  I would have been totally fine if the words "other mom" or "biological mom" were used- but they weren't.  Maybe Jack did, in fact, miss his birthmother, and I can totally accept that fact. What I was having a problem with is that the phrase "real mom" made me feel like my role as mother to Jack was somehow being diminished.

I understand that adoption presents a unique situation for children because they literally have more than one mom or dad- I get that it's different than the norm of one mom and one dad who conceive their children themselves.  But I think it's important to remember that ALL the parents in the adoptive child's life are real.  Birth parents are real.  Adoptive parents are real.  Both are a necessary part of the adoption equation.  When one party is labeled "real" it automatically makes the other party "not real" by default.

The two examples of  phrases I shared really pricked a tender spot in my heart.  And since I have a tendency to over-analyze things and this is, in fact, my blog, I'll explain why that is:

I think there is a continuum, for me, of certain phrases people use when talking about adoption which range anywhere from "not a problem" "that bugs me" "that REALLY bugs me" to "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!"  Phrases like "real mom" or "your own children" definitely belong on the far end of the continuum under the classification of "Did you SERIOUSLY just say that?!" because they're not just bothersome but they can actually hurt.

I think there is another continuum to measure how bothersome or hurtful certain phrases are which is based not on the phrase itself, but of whom is speaking.  For example, it I were to hear a stranger say, "I know a woman who gave up a child for adoption." I would assume that they don't have very much experience with adoption and l would let it slide because if they did have more experience with adoption they would most certainly use the term "placed" rather than "gave up".   Hearing a stranger make a remark like that would be bothersome.  However, if a friend of mine were to use the term "gave up for adoption" I would be even more bothered because they're my friend and because of that, I would hope they would show a bit more sensitivity and reverence for adoption.  Therefore, their response would belong somewhere along the continuum of "that REALLY bugs me".  With the two examples I shared of hearing the phrase "real mom" and "your own children" it hurt not only because it was on the far end of the continuum based solely on the phrase being said/terms used but it was also on the far end of the spectrum of the "whom is speaking" scale since it was my loved ones who made the remarks.

And now, for my final example- the end all/be all remark which, in my opinion, is the F-bomb of all adoption phrases: "You're not my REAL mom!"  or "You're not my REAL dad!" These phrases are at the far end of both continuums I've mentioned because not only is it an incredibly hurtful and personal, accusatory phrase but it can only be uttered by a child to their adoptive parent- the ultimate sting.

EXAMPLE #3- "You're not my REAL mom!".  

This example is deserving of a post all of its own. Stay Tuned.

Demystifying Foster Care Infographic

 In an effort to spread awareness to encourage others to better support foster youth and people who care for them, Simmons College School of Social Work has produced this infographic:

Demystifying Foster Care, SocialWork@Simmons

I am familiar with many of the statistics of outcomes for foster youth such as homelessness, incarceration, and PTSD, but as a foster parent I was particularly interested in the "Profiles of Foster Families" section (and I immediately compared my family's demographics to other foster families.)

I also thought it was interesting to "morph" all of the demographic info into a profile representing the "average" child in foster care:

Any other thoughts on the infographic?

Unconditional Love: A Foster Adoption Documentary

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, over 20,000 children age out of the U.S. foster care system each year, putting them at an increased risk for homelessness, unemployment, pregnancy, prostitution and incarceration.  This 2012 infographic courtesy of the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption illustrates some of these risks:

This is a crisis which cannot be ignored.

The production of a public television documentary which tells the stories of five teens who were adopted by loving families is underway.  In addition, this documentary, appropriately titled Unconditional Love,  will also be highlighting organizations which have found successful strategies in finding adoptive parents for youth in foster care.

To make a tax deductible donation to the crowdfunding campaign to fund the filming of Unconditional Love and/or to help spread the word about the film please refer to the following links:

Unconditional Love Crowdfunding Campaign on Indiegogo

Unconditional Love, The Documentary- Official Facebook Page

Positive Adoption Language Infographic

I came across this infographic today courtesy of United Methodist Communications and I couldn't help but share as I've certainly been frustrated in the past by certain terms people use when talking about adoption. 

The thing is- not everybody knows that a certain term might be hurtful- and that is why I liked this infographic so much- these are simply suggestions of what terms to use- "instead of this, say this" in order to avoid miscommunication with a brief explanation of WHY a specific term might send an unintended message.

In addition to the infographic, adoptive mother and pastor Angela Flanagan, shared more helpful hints about asking questions, making assumptions, and even touched on some of the challenges unique to adoptive families, and transracial adoptive families in particular, where adoption is obvious, including the following:

" Asking appropriate questions with healthy language of friends is very different from asking questions of perfect strangers. Before you ask or comment, consider what it might feel like to have your family questioned everywhere you go by people who you don’t know and what effect that has on the children. 

If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate or if you are using appropriate
language, please refrain, or at the very least, refrain while in front of
the children."

On a related note of shielding questions about an adopted child's history- especially when asked in front of the child, sometimes it's not just those who ask the questions that need to take a step back, but those who answer and provide information (because adoptive parents are human, too)!

This is something which I'm learning to find a balance with.  On the one hand I love educating people about foster care or how the adoption process works, and I'm glad to be able to share my experiences with them.  But on the other hand I realize "Just because I want to educate others and am happy to talk about my experiences doesn't necessarily mean I have to share every detail about my children's backgrounds with everyone who asks- especially when they ask in front of the children- because although my child's story is definitely a part of my story- it is ultimately their story to tell."

#NotJust A Birthmom

For those women who choose to celebrate Birthmother's Day- here is a video put together by Jessalyn Bills Speight to let you know that you are not forgotten or alone.

Check out my mug shot at 2:40!

(In my defense, I really do know how to smile but pondering the sacrifice and pain of relinquishment is such a sensitive subject!) 

National Foster Care Month 2015

It's May- which means it's also National Foster Care Month!

AdoptUSKids has some great information on fostering and adopting, as well as an extensive photolisting of Waiting Children.

If you are reading this and would like to learn more about foster care, click on any of the following:

Common Myths About Foster Care

Who Can Foster and Adopt

Completing A Foster Home Study

And check out this inspirational guest post- "You Have the Power to Change a Life Just the Way You Are" written for the Dave Thomas Foundation for Adoption by Madeleine Melcher.

Positive Adoption Quotes By Celebrities

Years ago I wrote very briefly about celebrities who adopt.  I guess this could be considered a continuation of that post.

Just today in my Facebook feed I came across two quotes from celebrities who have adopted and after I read them I thought, "That's actually pretty noteworthy."  So here they are:

"There's a lot of children out there who don't have the good fortune that our biological children do, so it's wonderful to welcome a little girl into our fold." 

-Cate Blanchett

"It's not a humanitarian thing . . . It's a gift.  We're all lucky to have each other." -Angelina Jolie

Then, just for fun, I googled some other positive quotes by a few other celebrities who have adopted:

(I reviewed Jamie Lee Curtis's children's book about adoption here.)

Props to Nia Vardalos for advocating for adoption from FOSTER CARE!

Katherine Heigl posing with her sister who was adopted from South Korea (which is where one of Heigl's daughters was adopted from):

"Adoption has been a part of my life and a part of my family, so it was how I wanted to start.  It felt natural and right to me." -Katherine Heigl

I LOVE that one- AMEN!

 I also quoted Hugh Jackman back in this post:

"I don't think of them as adopted- they're our children.  Deb and I are believers in . . . I suppose you could call it destiny.  We feel things happened the way they are meant to.  Obviously, biologically wasn't the way we were meant to have children.  Now as we go through life together, sure there are challenges, but everyone's in the right place with the right people."

I Support Adoption from Foster Care

I am sharing this on behalf of a Bloggin' Mamas Social Good Campaign. Bloggin' Mamas and Element Associates are donating a toy to a child in foster care for every blog post sharing this  information, up to 25.

 

Today, 402,000 children are in the foster care system in the United States. Nearly 102,000 children (under 18 years of age) waiting for adoption. During this holiday season, there is an extra push to help them find homes. The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, AdoptUSKids and the Ad Council recently unveiled a new series of public service advertisements (PSAs) designed to continue to encourage the adoption of children from foster care with an emphasis on the importance of keeping siblings together. Check out this PSA video from the Ad Council:

 

 

Since the launch of the campaign in 2004, more than 22,000 children who were once photo-listed on the AdoptUSKids website are now with their adoptive families and over 35,000 families have registered to adopt through AdoptUSKids. Many times, there are siblings also listed.  Approximately 23% of children and youth actively photolisted on the AdoptUSKids website and waiting for placement in adoptive homes were registered with one or more siblings. Sibling relationships are often the longest-lasting relationships for children in foster care.

 

For more information about adoption, or about becoming an adoptive parent to a child from foster care, please visit www.AdoptUSKids.org or visit the campaigns communities on Facebook and Twitter.

DISCLOSURE: I was not compensated for this post. I am donating this space towards sharing this message. Bloggin' Mamas and Element Associates will be donating a toy to a foster child in exchange for my post, in support of AdoptUSKids.

If the Couple from UP Adopted . . .

The first time I saw the movie UP I was so, so sad at the part when Ellie and Carl are in the doctor's office and Ellie looks downward and is dejected and heartbroken about the apparent news that she won't bear any children.  My heart literally ached during that part. 

I also have to admit, however, that after seeing the movie my husband and I both thought "They could have adopted." (That is not to say that adoption is necessarily a simple process or a decision that is easy to come to for everyone).  But Hey, it's a movie- couldn't the creators have woven adoption into the storyline if they wanted to?

 

Some talented editors from Disney Pixar have merged together characters and scenes from Tangled, Despicable Me, and Toy Story to depict just that: What might have happened if Carl and Ellie had adopted.  Very clever. 

The most touching part to me is how adoption can affect generations- as shown by Carl and Ellie's grandchildren (the little girl from Toy Story 3 times TWO)! 

 

Here's the clip if you haven't already seen it:

National Adoption Day 2014 Infographic

Keeping Siblings Together In Foster Care

Just in case you didn’t know, November is National Adoption Month.  This year’s National Adoption Month theme is “Promoting and Supporting Sibling Connections.”  

Just last month I attended a training on the subject of maintaining sibling connections in foster care and we watched the following video- Brothers and Sisters:  Keeping Siblings in Foster Care Connected:

 

I was struck by the young woman in this video (see 6:22) who pointed out the correlation between foster children running away after being separated from siblings.  She stated that behavioral problems stem from being separated which I think is very telling. 

Another young woman who was separated from her siblings after entering foster care made the recommendations to child welfare professionals and policy makers in the video that If siblings can’t be kept together in the same home, then at least place them in the same area or school where they can still have contact with one another or ensure that they have frequent visits (at least once a month) with each other or make sure they’re able to call each other or write letters to each other.

The policy and common sense of keeping siblings together leads to the question of:  Why would siblings ever be separated in the first place?  Here’s three reasons why as discussed in the training I attended:

1)      The first obvious reason is limited physical space in a foster or adoptive home to adopt a large sibling group.  Not everybody has the space available to take in three or more children let alone one more child.

2)      Another reason to separate siblings is if they are a danger to each other- specifically in the case of cases of sexual abuse in their home of origin resulting in children “acting out” abuse on each other.  One of the presenters at the training I attended was careful, however, to point out the difference between a child being “sexually reactive” versus being a perpetrator.

3)      I also thought it was interesting that in the past, according to one presenter who works as an adoption specialist matching waiting children with families, that parentification was a reason to separate siblings.  In other words, If one child took on the role of being the parent to other siblings it was figured it was unhealthy and a remedy would be to separate that child from their siblings in order for them to just “be a kid” again.

Everybody needs a sibling connection no matter your age!  I’m a grown woman and I interact with my siblings at least weekly (if not daily) through calls, texts, or e-mails.  The thought of what my life would be like if I had to be separated from my brothers or sisters now or especially if we had been separated while growing up makes me very sad. 

I think it’s important for foster parents, child welfare professionals or anyone wanting to advocate for today’s youth who find themselves in foster care to put yourself in their shoes, as the young woman says at the very end of the video and consider how you would feel if you couldn’t see your brothers or sisters.    

Click HERE to see a Keeping Siblings Together Infographic from AdoptUSKids.

A Safe Haven Miracle & Hope For Abandoned Babies

A few months ago I was deeply disturbed to read a local news story of a woman who had {allegedly} killed six of her newborn babies and then hidden their remains in her garage.   (A seventh baby was found but was a stillborn.)   “WHAT IN THE WORLD was going through this woman’s mind to do something so heinous?”  I wondered. 

The emotions in my mind as I read that story were similar to what I felt when I came across the account I wrote about previously of a “discarded” (but living) baby in China- only this local case seemed much more bizarre and tragic considering there were multiple casualties, including the mother herself.  (Because let’s face it- nobody in their right mind could possibly do something like that.  And although mental illness, deep personal issues, and a lack of support never excuse someone from taking innocent lives, God is the only one who truly knows what drove this woman to take such a horrific path not just once but several times.)

Stories of child and infant abandonment, abortion, or child abuse and neglect in general always strike a particularly sensitive chord within me as an infertile woman and an adoptive and foster mother.  I’m aware of so many families who would give anything- and some who have given everything- to have a child or bring another child into their family.  Doubtless others who heard the disturbing news story also thought, as did I “Why couldn’t this woman have handed the babies over to the care of someone else or anonymously taken them to a hospital or fire station?”  Enter Safe Haven Laws.

Q:  What exactly is a Safe Haven Law? 

I like this definition from the Child Welfare Information Gateway:

A:  “Baby Moses laws” or infant safe haven laws have been enacted as an incentive for mothers in crisis to safely relinquish their babies to designated locations where the babies are protected and provided with medical care until a permanent home is found. Safe haven laws generally allow the parent, or an agent of the parent, to remain anonymous and to be shielded from prosecution for abandonment or neglect in exchange for surrendering the baby to a safe haven.”

The first safe haven law in the U.S. was enacted in Texas in 1999.  Currently, all 50 states, including the District of Columbia and Puerto Rico, have Safe Haven Laws which protect babies from abandonment and infanticide.   For specific state statutes refer here: https://www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statues/safehaven.cfm

Brenda Horrocks is an adoption/foster care buddy of mine who recently shared her story of how their little boy, Spencer, came to be a part of their family.  Spencer was a Safe Haven baby and I thought Brenda’s words in this recent radio interview about the women, including her son’s birthmother, who use Safe Haven Laws to save their babies were very wise, especially considering the fact that all too often people (myself included) are quick to pre-judge women who may be faced with such a desperate situation.

Of her son’s birthmother’s decision to use the Safe Haven Law Brenda says:

“We know how much she loved him and just so thankful that she was able to make that hard decision for him because she was not at that time or currently in a place where she could be a parent.

There would have been no way for her to really make an adoption plan because she probably didn’t even know where to go for that ‘cause she was on her own.  This is a situation where she could give him what she felt like he needed and there in the hospital she had support- there were people there who could help her whereas outside in the world there wasn’t anybody.”

Of women faced with crisis pregnancies:

“Making this choice doesn’t mean you’re a bad mom.  Making this choice to keep your child safe and healthy and get them a happy life in this way is good parenting and that’s being a loving mother.  I think too often there’s too many voices out there saying how awful these women and girls are who hand their babies over or place their babies for adoption in the traditional sense. They look at them as bad people and they’re not- they are making the hardest decision anybody would ever have to make.”  -Brenda Horrocks

Click HERE to see a video clip of the Horrocks advocating for Safe Haven laws (and to see what a darling boy Spencer is).

In light of the gloom of the horrific story I recounted at the beginning of this post, I would like to share three short and inspirational clips, which, like the Horrocks family’s story of their last adopted child, focus on the HOPE that can come from what could have been tragic circumstances and beginnings for babies.

 Grab some Kleenexes.





 This last clip is the longest of the three but well worth seven minutes of your time.  Although it is technically a commercial it is based on a true story.


 *TO FIND OUT WHAT THE SAFE HAVEN LAWS ARE IN YOUR STATE, (including who can relinquish a child, at which locations, and up to what age), CLICK HERE *

Thinking About Adopting Though Foster Care?

At the close of National Foster Care Month I thought it would be appropriate to share this infographic, courtesy of creatingafamily.org.

National Adoption Month Blog Tour AND $60 Giveaway

Head on over to Foster2Forever for an Adoption Month BLOG TOUR featuring blog posts from foster adoptive families PLUS a chance to win a $60 Amazon or Paypal Giftcard!

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