Reflections on Instant Family

I finally got around to seeing Instant Family and I thought it was a good blend of accuracy and humor in portraying what foster-adoptive families experience.

Rather than give a complete plot summary, here are some scenes and themes I’d like to share which stood out to me in particular, as someone who has fostered and adopted children through the foster care system:

Fantasy Children vs. Reality Children- In a training class prior to becoming licensed foster care providers, members of the class were asked to do an exercise in which they drew their “fantasy” children on a chalkboard.  The social workers teaching the class instructed the foster parents in training to immediately erase their envisioned fantasy children and to prepare themselves for whatever comes next.

I think the theme of expectations versus reality is a universal one that almost anyone can relate to.  Sometimes the most difficult thing to do in life is to let go of our expectations, relinquish any perceived control of how we think things should turn out and accept- or make the best out of- what actually comes our way.

When applying the concept of control and predictability to fostering, I think many foster families or pre-adoptive couples may be set on only fostering or adopting children who are a certain age or gender (Or in the case of the movie’s character October, are looking specifically for a black, male, athletically inclined child who can get a full football scholarship, reminiscent of The Blindside).  It can be difficult to try to broaden preferences at the risk of getting out of one’s comfort zone and venturing into the unfamiliar.  However, Pete & Ellie did just that as they inquired about a teenager available for adoption- something Ellie initially openly verbalized against doing.

Foster Parents Supporting Each Other- The best source of support is someone who has been through the same thing or been in a similar situation; Therefore, I think that the best source of support and understanding for foster parents are other foster parents! 

Throughout the movie, Pete & Ellie meet in an adoption support group with other couples and individuals.  Although each couple’s reasons for wanting to pursue foster adoption was unique: some felt “called”, others were struggling with infertility, another couple was gay and thus couldn’t procreate, they all shared the desire to welcome children into their families.  It was humorous when the gay couple commented something to the effect of, “We’ve been trying to conceive for years with no success!”

I was particularly touched in one scene towards the end of the movie as the adoptive families had shared their personal struggles with each other and got to know each other better, when the gay couple announced to the group that their upcoming adoption would be official and the first people to go up and hug them was a conservative Christian couple, whom at the beginning of the training, showed through their body language, disapproval or discomfort about the gay couple adopting.

Once we take the time to get to know each other, it becomes evident that we all have more in common than we don’t have in common.

The Honeymoon Period- Speaking of holding on to a sense of “control” or predictability, I think some parents are under the false impression that if kids are well-behaved or turn out all right, then it is a direct reflection on their competency as a parent or caretaker.  Wrong! 

Pete & Ellie entered one of their support meetings with an attitude of “Hey- We have this under control- the kids aren’t acting out.  Things aren’t so bad!” and the other more experienced foster parents in the room were laughing or had smirks on their faces because likely, they had experienced the phenomenon referred to as “The honeymoon period” in which everything seems peachy-dandy with a placement.  The reality, however, is that a foster child’s behavior has less to do with structure and discipline of the home or parenting style, but everything to do with a mode of survival. 

Most people would think ‘It’s great that these kids aren’t acting out!” and admittedly, that is much easier than the alternative and it makes for a much more peaceful environment.  But it’s actually when the child starts acting out that they feel safe enough to do so.       

  

I recall the shock my husband and I went through when the honeymoon period ended with our first placement, who was typically a delightful preschooler.  When, after about three weeks of being in our home, he started being less delightful and talking back and complaining, we were worried.  I believe it was another more experienced foster parent that explained to us, even though it was hard, “That’s actually a good thing- he feels safe enough to be himself without the fear of any harsh consequences!”

Parentification- It was obvious that Lizzie, the oldest child of the sibling group Pete & Ellie were fostering, had taken upon herself the role of “parent” to her younger brother and sister, Juan and Lita.  It was interesting to observe the struggle it was for Lizzie to give up that parenting role and let her foster parents take over, especially when she knew her siblings better than Pete & Ellie did.  Equally of interest to observe was the conflict of loyalty Ellie felt with letting her foster mom be a “mother” to her without somehow betraying her own mother.

Ongoing Struggles with Adopted Children- I was very touched by the guest speaker the social workers invited to speak at one of the trainings the adoptive couples went through at the beginning of their training.  Brenda was an articulate and inspiring young woman who had a history of neglect and abuse, including being traded to her mom’s drug dealers for drugs, if I remember correctly. 

Brenda was accompanied to the meeting by her adoptive parents and spoke to the class about what it meant to her to be adopted as a teenager after spending years in foster care.  This young woman was so inspiring and I think that sometimes adoptive parents are under the impression that ‘There’s nothing LOVE can’t fix!” and that once a child is adopted it’s going to be the beginning of happily ever after.  The reality is that adoption does not erase the early experiences and traumas that a child had been through.  Neither will adoption erase a child’s genetics or predispositions. 

Later in the movie when Pete & Ellie are going through a rough patch with their teenage foster daughter, Lizzie, they seek out Brenda’s adoptive parents for some hopeful advice and direction. It was heartbreaking to hear Brenda’s adoptive mom share that her daughter was back in rehab when Ellie asks where she is. But I loved the mom’s retort to Ellie’s disappointment (the slap in the face was unexpected and humorous as well)!  Like a protective and loving Mama Bear, Brenda’s mom says something to the effect of “But look at where she came from and how far she’s come!”  A great reminder that unless we’ve been in someone else’s shoes we have no right to judge.  It’s also a good reminder that, as I mentioned earlier, no matter how stellar a parent is, adoption does not erase a child’s predispositions or former traumas.  This can be particularly frightening to accept when a baby or child is born addicted or exposed to drugs as addiction has such a strong genetic component, as well as when there is severe mental illness on one or both sides of a child’s family lines.

Conflicting Feelings About Birthparents- This is such a real struggle for foster parents!  Honestly, it’s one of the hardest things, other than the grief of reunifications, that I’ve had to deal with while fostering. 

At one point in the movie’s storyline, foster mother Ellie says to her husband, “She looks so normal.” regarding their foster children’s mother when they meet for a visit.  Ellie recognizes that their mom is just that- a mom who loves her children.  Yet it’s hard to think of someone who would endanger their children as “normal” or sometimes, even deem them worthy of having a relationship with their children.  After all, this woman set the children’s home on fire from a lit crack pipe!

But behind someone’s criminal history or case file is a person.  It’s harder to judge someone when you look them in the eyes and meet them in person.  I also think it was telling that the children’s biological mother was also a product of the foster care system as one of the caseworkers remarked, “She never learned how to appropriately care for her children.”

In another support group meeting Rose confesses to feeling guilty for wanting her kid’s biological mother to fail- especially after all of the work she and her husband have gone through to care for these children and open up their home to them.  I’ve been there and have felt guilty for thinking the exact same thing.  It’s such a difficult task as a foster parent to recognize that family preservation is the goal while also noting, “Look at what these kids have been through and look at the life we could give them!”

Overall, I would highly recommend the movie Instant Family to anyone over 13 (the PG-13 rating was appropriate) and I am grateful that the director chose to draw on his life’s experiences to highlight the crucial, yet often overlooked issues of fostering and foster care adoption.

When Children Lose A Caregiver

The following is an excerpt from a paper I did a couple of months ago.  Because the topic is very pertinent to issues in fostering and adoption and because the assignment specifically asked that I share how the understanding of the concept or theories related to my personal experiences AND since I happen to have a blog called Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences, I now have new material to share on my neglected blog.  How convenient!

Incidentally, I was delighted to learn about the Skeels study mentioned in the second paragraph* because I was not familiar with it until I had finished my reading.  Upon further research, I learned that the women caregivers of the previously neglected infants functioned at the developmental levels of about six or seven years old.

Competency #1-  Identify and describe how loss of a caregiver affects a child after he or she has developed an attachment to that caregiver.

There were five or six attachment studies cited in Chapter 6, so I will just pick two of them which explain how the loss of a caregiver affects a child.   In 1980, John Bowlby, the founder of Attachment Theory, examined adolescents who had spent their infancy and childhood in institutions or foster care, often with several moves.  These adolescents displayed a lack of empathy and affection for others.  Because they were not shown love consistently as babies, they were unable to model showing love for others.  Further research on the subject (Trout, 1995). came to the same conclusion: many children who fail to form attachments as infants grow up to show lack of empathy and even delinquent behavior.

*The good news is that another study (Skeels, 1936) showed that the effects of early deprivation and lack of attachment can be reversed with care at a later age.  In 1936, two baby girls (13 and 16 months old) from neglectful families were admitted to an overcrowded Iowa orphanage.  Because these babies only functioned at about the level of a 6 or 7 month old, they were placed in a home for women with “retardation.”  Six months later the baby girls were lively, alert and functioning on much higher levels than they had been because the women in the home had provided these girls with plenty of stimulation and interaction. 

How does understanding this competency apply to my own personal development?

I’ve been a foster parent for over ten years now and about a third of my foster children have been babies and toddlers- who seem to be the most vulnerable to the effects of being separated from their primary caregivers.  Even though I’m a very nurturing caregiver and the babies and children I foster are in a safer environment than they were before being removed, I obviously worry about how these babies and children are going to adjust to being removed from, in some instances, the only caretaker they have ever known, and in a few cases, from moving to another foster home and being placed with me- a total stranger!  Fortunately, babies in foster care get more supervised weekly visits with their families than older foster children do, so that helps somewhat, not only for the child but for the child’s birth family as well.

I tend to worry even MORE when these babies or children have been in my care for 6-11 months, have clearly formed an attachment to me and my family (referring to me as “mom” in many cases) and then are sent back to live with their family or relatives whom they may or may not know.  How is this separation from me as their full-time primary caregiver for several months, going to affect them?!

How does understanding this competency apply to social work practice in general?

Social workers need to be aware of the reasons behind attachment problems in both young children and adults.  “Research suggests that the quality of a child’s attachment with a primary caregiver is an excellent predictor of later functioning (Ciccheti & Wagner, 1990).”- p. 268, Ashford text.  Furthermore, the table in the text on page 269, “Exhibit 6.8- Assessing attachment problems in young children,” provides an overview of signs of attachment disorders broken down by behaviors which could be a very helpful assessment tool for social workers in recognizing attachment issues.

Research also shows that children who are separated from primary caregivers but are able to remain with a sibling or other family member, adapt more easily to the separation. (Bremmer, 1998).- page 273, Ashford text.  This is crucial for child welfare workers and policy makers to understand so that they can keep siblings together as much as possible in foster care and adoption cases.

Another Respite Placement

This month we did respite care for two different sibling groups.  I wrote about the first group here. 

The second sibling group was a brother and sister as well- the older sister was 7 years old and her younger brother was 2 years old which means that for a couple of days we had two 2 year olds, one 3 year old, a 7 year old and an 8 year old under one roof.  Speaking of which, I saw this and it seemed extremely accurate to me:

While I'm on the topic of kids and summer, is it just me or are kids less heat-aware as children and much more heat-sensitive as they age?  For example, begging to go outside at the absolute HOTTEST time of the day.  "Do you not realize it's burning hot right now and you could be indoors playing where it's cool and air-conditioned?"  I have thought that or said it out loud to my kids when they beg to play outside at noon on summer days.  Needless to say, most of our outdoor ventures during the summer are early in the morning or in the late afternoon or evening but NOT during the middle of the day.

Back to this sibling group: I will refer to the girl as "Kari" and to her younger brother as "Zeke". Two-year-old Zeke reminded me of a little stocky caveman who used only a few words and many grunts to communicate.  He was pretty easy to care for as long as he was fed and had something to keep his attention.  I think he was able to settle in well in large part because he followed his older sister's lead.  And she was not shy.  At all.

Like her brother, Kari was somewhat stocky in her stature as well so she appeared to be much older than her seven years- perhaps ten or eleven.  In fact, my oldest daughter who is over a year older than Kari and average in her build looked downright petite when the girls played together. 

Kari not only looked older than she actually was but in some ways she also seemed more mature and responsible than most children her age by the way she watched over her little brother (parentification, anyone?), helped clean up around the house, and made sure that all of the kids shared their toys with each other or used good manners.  However, I was reminded that she was still a 7 year old when she would want to show off for me and clamor for my attention- whether it was performing a song she made up on the piano or doing a trick on the trampoline or showing me how she arranged stickers to decorate a piece of paper. 

Children of all ages need attention- not just younger ones with their constant "Look at Me!"s  "Watch What I Can Do!" but children in middle childhood and tweens and teens as well.  I think they just "ask" for it or "perform" in different ways.

I don't know a whole lot about why Kari and Zeke came into care but I do know that the reason they were placed with the foster family they were placed with is because they had adopted Kari and Zeke's half-brother.  With that in mind, I thought it was interesting when, during a moment of playing "doctor" (Kari grabbed the Fisher Price Dr's Kit from our toy room and insisted that I be her patient as she measured my blood pressure, gave me shots, and listened to my heart), Kari handed me a baby doll and announced, "And now you just had a baby.  And you get to stay in the hospital with your baby for ten days!"

ME: Ten days, Wow!

I must have been smiling or had a funny look on my face because she immediately looked at me and asked, "Is that how long you were in the hospital with these kids?"

After verifying that "these kids" were my children since only one of them was in the room I answered,

ME:  No- they didn't come from my stomach in the hospital (although I did bring two of them home from the hospital as newborns) because they were adopted.

Kari's face remained stoic.

ME:  Do you know what that means to be adopted?

KARI:  Because their mom couldn't take care of them?

ME:  Well, no- not exactly.  M's birthmother (I was nodding in M's direction as I spoke) could have taken care of her but she wanted M. to have a mommy AND a daddy so she chose my husband and I to be her parents.

M (Interrupting excitedly):  Isn't is cool how my birthmom's name is on my bike?!

ME:  Yes.  And how that was the name of the horse you rode that time we went horseback riding, too?  True stories- we thought that was serendipitous in both instances considering M's birthmom doesn't have an unusual name but it's not an overly common name, either.

I went back to explaining to Kari . . .

ME:  But my other children's birthmom couldn't take care of them.  So they were in foster care . . .

(as soon as I said "foster care" I wondered what feelings it would produce in Kari but she looked unfazed)

ME: . . . and that's why we were able to adopt them. 

Kari went back to playing with the doctor's kit.  I thought it was interesting that when I brought up adoption in the presence of a foster child with a half sibling who had been adopted, Kari  immediately associated the phrase "adopted" with birthparents not being able to care for a child.  Sometimes that's the case but many times it's not.   Many times a birthparent would be able to care for a child and they might make an exceptional parent (or they already may be an exceptional parent if they have children) but they want to give their child something more than what they can currently give them- whether that be a two-parent family [as in the case of our daughter's birthmother] or a life free of poverty and domestic violence and the effects of addiction [as in the case of our youngest children's birthmother.]

One last thing I'll add about an advantage to fostering a sibling group with a younger and an older child: It was very helpful to have Kari's help when trying to decipher Zeke's cave-man language as well as being able to ask her about his food preferences or what worked well to calm him down when he was upset, etc.  

Our First Teenager

I recently did something as a foster parent that was a FIRST for me.  I got out of my comfort zone and expanded my horizons with the last placement we took- in large part due to the fact that it was a respite placement of two siblings- and I knew that it would be for less than a day.  

We've done respite for other foster families before so that wasn't new to me and we've taken sibling groups so that wasn't new to us either, but it was the ages of the children we recently watched in our home which was a first for me.  I feel most comfortable caring for babies, toddlers, and pre-schoolers and my protective husband most assuredly feels safest not bringing any children in our home who are older than our oldest child (who is almost nine).  However, since I knew that this respite placement would only be for an evening I said yes to a sibling group of two- an eleven year old and a thirteen year old.  Did you catch the suffix of that last age?  A TEENAGER!  I said "yes" to having a teenager in my home despite having no experience ever parenting a teenage before.  

I tend to be somewhat cautious so I admit that I did have some concerns as I imagined the worst possible scenarios that could happen as a result of having two older children whom I had never met before- strangers, essentially- into my home for a couple of hours with my younger children of approximately 9, 3, and 2 years of age.  

-What if the kids swear like sailors or use especially vulgar language?  As a grown woman, I can handle that, but as a mom with young children in the home I know for a fact that my 2 year old is like a little parrot eager to repeat whatever new word or phrases she hears- especially if the result is ensuing laughter or extra attention.

-What if the kids bully my children because they're just "acting out" domestic violence they're used to?   Or worse?  Again, since I knew this would be a very short-term placement I was placated by the fact that all of the children- my own three and these two foster children- would be under my supervision and in my sight THE ENTIRE TIME they were in our home.  This was an assurance for me because I  know that things can happen in just a matter of minutes.  Nevertheless, I felt confident enough that if I were to witness something my Mama Bear instincts would kick in to preserve my children's safety which is top priority and hopefully I would have the restraint to separate the actions of any perpetrating children from the child themselves and not go ballistic.

-What if the kids talk back to me or sass?  If they do, they do and I can handle it.  Of course I may be muttering something in my head like "little ingrates!" or a passive aggressive, sarcastic "You're welcome for me opening my home to you!" while trying to keep calm on the outside but I'm a grown woman and I can handle it.

Those were my worries and concerns before taking our first placement of "older" children.

Here's what actually unfolded:

I will refer to these children as "Chloe" and "Cade".  Although Chloe and Cade were, in fact, siblings, they were polar opposites in personality.  11 year old Cade practically flew out of the car his foster mom was driving and started tossing a football around on our front lawn and made himself right at home.  His older sister, however, was much more reticent and waited in the passenger seat of the car for a minute or two before feeling comfortable enough to even come to the porch.

Chloe's foster mom seemed a little embarrassed about Chloe's hesitancy and apologized on her behalf but I said, "Oh- no problem at all."  especially since I had read the two or three brief sentences she had texted me a few hours earlier in response to my question, "So is there anything I should know about the kids?".  She replied that they were pretty much "normal kids" but did mention the fact that her teenage foster daughter is very quiet until she feels safe with someone.  Given what little I knew of the children's background and as somewhat of an introvert myself, that seemed just fine with me. Some people get uncomfortable around people who are too quiet or reserved, but I understand the need for space and privacy.

After the kids got here we spent part of the evening playing in the backyard and part of the evening indoors watching TV and playing X-box.  It was entertaining to watch my oldest daughter, who is somewhat of a tomboy, interact with Cade- they got along great.  Chloe took a couple hours till she warmed up to us and if anything, the kids were overly polite- I practically had to beg them to have some pizza and breadsticks which I bought before their foster mom brought them over.  I kept asking, "Are you hungry?  Please help yourself."  They both replied "We're fine." several times until I finally asked an hour or so later, "Are you sure you're not hungry?"  Cade explained that he didn't want to eat anything because it was "rude" to eat at other people's houses.  I explained that since he was a guest in our home and I was the one who offered him the food that it wan't rude at all.  Fortunately, they finally appeased and ate.

Cade was easy-going and talkative but I think the most that ever came our of Chloe's mouth was, "Is it okay if I put my feet up on the couch while I rest?" as she was laying down on one of our couches. "Totally!" I reassured her, since she had already taken her shoes off.  Then when she fell asleep (or perhaps she was just feigning sleep- who knows) I brought her a soft blanket to cover over with in case she wanted it.

Really nothing eventful happened during that time that Chloe and Cade stayed with us and that's actually a good thing.  No cussing, bullying, back-talking or even eye-rolling.  They were both good kids.  I was a little surprised when they left and Chloe turned to me and said, "Thank you for being so nice to us." because I wasn't being nice- I was just being regular.  I wondered if she had experienced something less than ideal in a previous foster home.

Although I was curious about the kid's background I didn't want to pry too much.  I did casually ask, "So how long have you been with your foster family?"  If I remember correctly it had been for several months so I had no idea if their case was headed towards adoption or reunification.  Chloe did mention with some discouragement in her voice, "We usually get moved about every six months." Again, I was curious but I refrained from inquiring and just said something like, "Wow- that would be hard.  I wouldn't like that."

So that was my first experience with "older" foster kids in my home and it went just fine.  I felt silly for worrying so much beforehand.  Of course, it was such a short time period that there probably wasn't even time to have a "honeymoon period" come to an end.

Less than a week later my RFC called and asked if we would be able to do respite for Chloe and Cade again- this time for five days while their foster family was on vacation.  Although I wanted to say "yes" my husband (the practical one in our marriage) reminded me of obligations we would have during the week that would make it difficult to take two more children into our home so I had to say "no".   And of course I felt guilty afterwards.  I didn't feel guilty so much because I felt that there was nobody else who could take them in, but because their foster mom specifically requested for me to do respite for her again because the kids felt comfortable being in our home and I know that Chloe would have to go through the process of being put in a stranger's home- yet again- and having to adjust accordingly.

My Adoption Truth: Joy

I rarely post pictures of my family on my public blog, but this morning my heart was filled with overwhelming JOY as I looked into the faces of my two youngest children who have been with us for two and a half years now but who have only been "official" members of our family for under a year.

#MyAdoptionTruth

Interview With Taylor Talks: A Shared Love

Taylor Krigsman is the only biological child in her family of foster and adoptive children.  Taylor's family started fostering when she was just three years old so she shares her unique perspective of having nineteen siblings over a period of eighteen years on her blog, Taylor Talks.

In an effort to introduce more people to foster care Taylor has done some interviews with foster parents on her blog.  My interview with her is being featured on her blog today.  You can check out the full interview HERE.  The first couple of questions I answered had to do with demographics- where I'm from, how long I've been fostering, if I've adopted, etc.  That info can basically be found in the About Me section of my blog.

The last four questions Taylor asked me were ones which I wish I had asked foster parents when I first started fostering.  Here are those questions with my responses below:

Q:  What were your biggest concerns as you started your foster care journey?

A: Without a doubt the biggest concern about fostering that my husband and I both shared was the pain of reunification and heartache of having to say goodbye to a child.  I have learned that you have to put the child’s needs above your own fears in that regard.  Another foster mother who blogs, Angie, put it beautifully when she said, “I am not afraid to grieve.  I am afraid of what would happen to those children if no one took the risk to love them.”

Q:  What is the biggest lesson you learned from being a foster parent?

A:  The biggest lesson I continue to learn through fostering is not to judge our foster children’s bio families.  People generally do the best they know how and many of the reasons for a child’s removal- addictions, abuse, neglect, etc.- are so cyclical in nature.  If I had been raised in the same kind of environment that many of my foster children’s parents came from then I would have many risk factors stacked against me.

Q:  Anything you would change about your experience as a foster parent?

A:  I wish that we would have taken a sibling group sooner.  For many years we were cautious about fostering more than one child at a time which prevented us from taking any sibling groups.  Although we’ve only fostered two sibling groups so far I’ve found that there are advantages to fostering siblings and perhaps the greatest advantage is that they are able to help each other adjust to their new environment and not feel so “alone”.

Q:  Words of wisdom for future foster parents?

A:  It can be very hard not to do at times, but try not to think of your foster children’s bio parents as “the enemy”.  Instead, remember that you are not just helping a child but you are a resource for an entire family unit.  In many cases, these families don’t have the support many other families have (such as relatives or friends who are suitable to step in and care for their children).   Even if you feel like you don’t have much in common with the parents of your foster child, you can find unity in your shared love for their child.

Considering Adopting Siblings?

Sibling adoption is a topic that is close to my heart since two of our children are biological siblings whom we adopted through foster care.

If you are considering adopting siblings from the foster care system or through international adoption or if you are just looking for some statistics, AdoptUSKids has put together the following fact sheet about "Myths and Realities of Sibling Adoption":

Click to enlarge images or view the PDF here 

Anyone interested in learning more on the topic might also refer to this post which focuses on the importance of keeping sibling groups together and this two-minute clip courtesy of AdoptUSKids about sibling adoption:

Remember My Story- ReMoved Part 2

If you have not yet seen ReMoved Part 1, Click HERE.

Age Requirements to Foster and Adopt

In my last post in conjunction with National Foster Care Month I listed links to information about requirements for fostering and adopting (Just in case somebody thinks, "I can't foster because I'm single/I don't own my own home/I'm gay, etc.)  

Good foster parents come from a variety of backgrounds but I believe the most important requirement or common denominator that effective foster parents share is that of love and concern for the well-being of children.

At the finalization of our recent adoption of our foster children I was reminded of a few legal requirements to adopt, having to do with age.  I mention these in case there is someone out there who thinks, "I'm too old to adopt." but also because I thought they were interesting.

Although things will vary by state, I think the general requirement is that you must be 21 years of age or older to foster or adopt.  This rule is sort of a no-brainer but I thought it was funny when the guardian ad litem at our children's adoption finalization turned to my husband and I and asked, "Both of you are 21 years of age or older, correct?"  We both answered in the affirmative and the GAL even admitted to being a little embarrassed to have to ask such an obvious question.  (Maybe 10 years ago I could have passed for 21 but now- not so much.)  She then asked another required question:  And are you both at least 10 years older than the children you're adopting?  (Which means we'd have to be at least 12 years old).  "Yes", we unequivocally responded.

I thought that was interesting because I've had people ask me more than once what the age limit is to adopt and the answer is "As long as you're in good health- there is NOT an age limit" provided you are at least 10 years older than the child you are adopting.  Therefore, a 25 year old could adopt a 15 year old but a 25 year old could not adopt a 16 year old.  

Another question which the judge asked both my husband and I separately at the adoption finalization is: 

"Do you give your consent to this adoption?" which is a necessary question but was also hard for me to fathom how two spouses could get to the point of being in a courtroom together for an adoption finalization in the first place when one of them does not actually consent to the adoption.  Perhaps this requirement stems from issues with step-parent adoptions.

I was also reminded that older children who are adopted must consent to the adoption. What an extremely important piece of legislation!  According to the Child Welfare Information Gateway, nearly all states requires that older children give their consent to be adopted with the requirements varying by state.

Although it didn't apply to our case, if the child(ren) we were adopting were 12 years of age or older they would have had to have given their verbal consent to the judge before being adopted by us.  In some states children as young as 10 years old must give their consent and in some states the age is 14 years old.  I have heard of sibling groups from the same family in foster care where some of the siblings chose to be adopted while other siblings preferred not to be adopted and technically "age out" of the system.

75 Months of Anticipation

I've taken down the "Waiting to Adopt" ticker from the sidebar of my blog.

My Facebook Status explains why:

After over six years of waiting to adopt again including three different agencies and nine foster children (seven of whom have come and gone), THIS WEEK WE WERE ABLE TO ADOPT TWO OF OUR FOSTER CHILDREN (siblings) who have been in our care for over a year and a half, which means, among other things, that they are no longer our foster children but simply OUR CHILDREN! And I can finally show pictures of their faces now!

"Trust God and believe in good things to come." - Jeffrey R Holland

Our recent adoption brings with it some updated stats: 9:11:2.

9 refers to the number of years we've been doing foster care.

12 refers to the number of children we've fostered.
2 refers to the number of foster children we've been able to adopt.

Book Review: Ezra and Hadassah (Part 2)

Have you ever come across an account of a foster or adopted child being discovered in horrible conditions and suffering neglect or abuse at the very hands of the family whose job it is to keep them safe?  If you're like most people I imagine you can't help but ask yourself, "WHY?  Why would these people even want to foster or adopt in the first place?"

I guess what I find so perplexing about such situations is the motivation behind such individuals. Surely there might be some people who are desperate enough to foster for the money, but the commitment, requirements and screening process that comes with fostering is, in my humble opinion, a huge amount of work to go through just for the possibility of having a few extra bucks at the end of the month.

As I was reading Ezra and Hadassah I found myself asking the same question: Why? Why did the Spencer family choose to adopt Ezra and Hadassah if they had no intention of caring for them or showing them love?   The only logical reason I could come up with in this case was that Ezra and Hadassah's adoptive mother needed to replace the children she previously lost (whom, I learned further into the book, had left the home or been killed in a house fire) with new children who would continue on in the role of her house servants.

Unfortunately, being treated like slaves is just one of the ways that Heather and her brother Rex and their siblings were mistreated in their adoptive home.  Although I don't want to give the whole book away and enumerate on every single injustice Rex and Heather had to suffer at the hands of their adoptive family, I would like to bring up a couple of examples of challenges Rex and Heather faced and ways their new family FAILED at meeting their newly adopted children's needs.  My hope in addressing these issues is that we can all learn something and that Rex and Heather's suffering will not have been in vain.

As I've mentioned, the first major theme that kept popping out at me over and over again as I read Ezra and Hadassah is Thank goodness for reform!  And when I speak of reform I'm not only referring to increased advocacy on behalf of children in foster care and ethical foster and adoption practices, but improved education and training for foster and adoptive parents.  Sometimes knowing what to do (or what not to do) can make all the difference in bringing about positive change.

On to the three examples of issues Rex and Heather faced as children and how their foster adoptive parents (poorly) handled them-  I have chosen these three issues because they are not uncommon among children coming from backgrounds of trauma.  Basically, the way Rex and Heather's foster adoptive parents handled each situation serves as an example of what NOT to do.

Granted, the following situations can be difficult for caregivers to face but the good news is that education and awareness of such issues has made it possible for today's foster parents to be better equipped to help the children in their care.  I just want to throw out that although fostering can be challenging, there is also support available.  I can recall specific trainings I've attended both before and after becoming a licensed foster care provider which addressed how best to handle each of the following scenarios:

1.  When a Child Discloses Sexual Abuse.  Maybe it's not common sense to everyone (hence the need for training on such delicate matters) but it just seems logical that when a child feels safe enough to confide in a trusted adult about something so personal and traumatic as sexual abuse, the most beneficial response would be for the adult to validate the child's feelings and protect the child from any further abuse from happening, if possible.

When Heather got up the courage to tell her adoptive mom about the abuse she suffered at the hands of her foster brothers in her previous foster home, the result was anything but validating. "That's over now so you don't need to talk about it" was her new mother's reply.  As if that weren't enough of a blow, a day later Heather overheard her new mother telling the grandmother that she thought that Heather's account was a plea for sympathy.   Her adoptive mother's response just served to shame her and prevent her from sharing any further information with anyone in the future.  Heather describes her reaction:

"I was crushed and humiliated.  I thought my new family was supposed to love me and care about me.  Who would admit such an embarrassing thing just for attention?  I had hoped Virginia would comfort and reassure me that would never happen again, but her response told me otherwise."  

2.  Hoarding Food.  This behavior is very common among children in foster care and although it can be puzzling or sometimes even annoying for caregivers, it must be understood that the child is simply acting out of SURVIVAL MODE.  Rex and Heather's new parents withheld food from their children as a form of punishment which is pretty much the worst thing they could possibly do in such a situation because doing so will only exacerbate any food insecurities.

Heather observed of her brother,

"At the Spencers Ezra not only ate as much as possible, he squirreled away food in his cheeks and only emptied them if Virginia demanded he swallow what was in his mouth.  It was obvious he was eating as much as possible to store up for the unknown stretch of time until his next meal."

It was disheartening to read about Rex, in particular, being starved in his own home to the point of resorting to hanging around the school cafeteria and asking for food.

3.  Peeing and Pooing Pants/Wetting the Bed.    Again, this is another very common problem in children who have experienced trauma- enuresis and encopresis are the official medical terms.

Let's face it- nobody likes cleaning up accidents.  As trying as it can be to potty train a toddler, just imagine how frustrating it must be for caregivers to clean up after a much older child, who should "know better".  Rex's bowel and bladder problems extended well into his high school years and even into adulthood. Unfortunately, his new parents did not have the patience or compassion to help him. Nor did they possess the understanding that control over one's bodily functions is not solely about physiology but has a heck of lot to do with psychology and emotional security.

Heather recounted, "It didn't take long for Ezra's chronic bladder and bowel problems to appear with a vengeance at the Spencers.  He wet the bed every night and seemed to be unable to sense when he needed to use the bathroom during the day.  Despite raising six other children before us, Harley and Virginia had no idea how to handle it."

One thing I've learned through my potty training experiences (and through parenting in a general sense) is to PRAISE! PRAISE! PRAISE! CELEBRATE EVERY VICTORY- no matter how small- rather than SHAME! SHAME! SHAME!- which will inevitably backfire and block any progress.

Heather recounted a camping trip with her first foster family when Rex poohed his pants and was excessively shamed. Their foster father was so angry that he marched Rex down to a freezing cold river to wash him off while yelling at him and spanking him. To top it off, he then announced that since Rex was too lazy to go to the bathroom, he could wear it instead.  He then forced Rex's dirty underwear around his neck and put his head through the leg holes so that he could "smell his own shit."  Not helpful in the least.

The reaction to Rex's toileting problems did not improve in his second foster home when his new parents basically shoveled out the same disgraceful punishment of making him wear his soiled underwear around his neck- but in addition, they told him he would have to wear it to school. (Thankfully, he took the underwear off before going to school).

If you're starting to get bummed out by this review and feeling discouraged about actually reading the book, TAKE HEART! I've only reviewed about the first third of the book and although there are definitely some hard parts to read they are necessary for the redeeming messages of healing, forgiveness, and resiliency to emerge from the ashes of the suffering and opposition which both Rex and Heather endured.

Having said that, the second major theme that this book illustrated to me is Thank Goodness for RESILIENCY in all individuals- but particularly in children who have had an unfair and rough start in life and must overcome so much!

Of all his siblings, Rex took the brunt of his parent's abuse. The Spencers did not have the patience to deal with his special needs or, it appears, the ability to see his intrinsic value.

Tragically, Rex's adoptive parents kicked him out of their home when he was just sixteen years old. Because he had absolutely no resources in way of money, food, friends, cars, or even connections, his adoptive parents ended up giving him money for bus fare back to Oregon where he eventually reconnected and lived with his birth family.  Heather didn't see her brother again for thirteen more years.

I had a hard time trying to wrap my head around how the Spencers could just kick their own son out of their home as casually as if they were just getting rid of an old piece of furniture, but in their eyes he was a burden.  Heather writes,

"Rex wasn't mentioned in the Spencer's house again.  We didn't have family pictures on the walls after the first year we were adopted, so it was as if he never existed.  At church and school the story was Rex went to live with extended family in Oregon.  No one questioned it.  He could have died and no one would have batted an eye."  

What's especially tragic to me is that Rex was not only shunned in his own home but equally mistreated at school and even within his youth group at church.

I fully expected Rex to end up permanently homeless or for Heather to never see him again. Fortunately, that did not turn out to be the case. If you read the book you'll learn what became of Rex including his reunion with his sister and the transformation of his life which can only truly be described as nothing short of miraculous.

I was extremely touched by Rex's pure childlike faith and his incredible ability to forgive so seemingly effortlessly. Heather wrote of her brother,

"Rex had every right to be a serial killer. The world would have understood given his early years that it was inevitable that he would become a cold-blooded criminal.  But he didn't. He chose to go the opposite way.  Not because he received world-class therapy and intensive professional help.  He didn't.  His life was lived on the streets of America and his heart healed its pain one person and one prayer at a time."  

God bless Rex for his perseverance, his humility, and his great example of being longsuffering, pure in heart, and forgiving.

As for how Heather fared, she was fortunate enough to have social support and connections Rex didn't have during their years with the Spencers.  I think this was in large part due to the fact that she was much more socially adept than her brother who had never really learned how to appropriately interact with others due to both neglect further compounded by delays.

Heather recounts,

"I survived the Spencers by finding teachers at school and leaders at church whom I confided. I tested the waters with adults telling a small story of some recent trouble I had been in at home and what my punishment had been. If they seemed surprised or asked any follow up questions, I cautiously gave more details.  If they didn't react or ask any more questions, I knew they couldn't be trusted.  In eighth grade, I found an adult I could trust and who ended up carrying me until I turned eighteen."

That adult Heather trusted was the librarian at her junior high school, Mr. Gross.  Thank God for adults like Mr. Gross who take the time to listen and guide children and young adults.
  

And now, time for a few not-so-subliminal messages:

Mr. Gross encouraged Heather to look ahead for her future and although he was sympathetic to Heather's home situation the only advice he could offer her in that regard was the encouragement to hang on until she was eighteen and then could legally leave home, just as a church leader counseled her to do. 

When Heather turned eighteen and the time came for her to escape the prison-home environment of the Spencer's house, there were four families, including Mr. Gross and his wife, who were willing to take her into their homes and offer her a safe haven as she made the transition to adulthood and independent living free from the oppression of the Spencers.

Just as Heather noted that Rex could have turned out to be a serial killer given how he was treated in his home environment, she could have easily used the excuse of the abuse she suffered in her life to justify passing on any future dysfunction to her children or loved ones, but, like her brother, she chose not to!  Resilience is a noble choice that can have a profound effect upon generations.

Heather recalled listening to stories from the adults in the Spencer household- Mr. and Mrs. Spencer and Grandma Quigley- in which they commiserated and detailed abuses they had each suffered in their childhoods.  Mrs. Spencer would use her experiences of childhood abuse to justify the way she treated her own children and would tell Rex and Heather and their siblings that they really didn't have it bad, so they shouldn't complain.

 Heather had the maturity and foresight to realize, 

"All the stories of generational abuse solidified in my heart that in my someday family, if I ever got married and had kids, no way was I going to be like they were.  I wasn't ever going to spank my kids or treat them like we were.  The abuse was ending with me."

I literally felt like standing up and cheering when I read that line.  BRAVO TO HEATHER for choosing to break the cycle of abuse and dysfunction she had grown up with!

Another eye-opening and touching part of Heather's story is when she, as a grown woman, becomes reunited and reacquainted with her biological parents, Ralph and Claudia, who are each unique characters in their own rights.  Part of Claudia's schizophrenia includes delusions that she is from another planet and the belief that as a child she was transported to earth.  She also believed that her children would be able to receive messages from her home planet when they reached adolescence despite the fact that they were part-Earthling.  Enough said!

In addition to discovering how much of her personality and temperament is attributed to nurture verses nature, being reunited with Ralph and Claudia served as a bridge to Heather's past by helping her understand, for the first time in her life, the exact circumstances that brought her and her brother into foster care in the first place.  

I don't want to give the specifics away, but Rex and Heather's case was historic not only in the state of Oregon but was actually read by the U.S. Supreme Court.  Their case makes for a fascinating study of family law and child-welfare policies, begging such questions as "At what point does mental illness or developmental disability become grounds for terminating parental rights when there is insufficient evidence of neglect and abuse?" and, once again, along the lines of Thank goodness for reform!  "How is the best interest of the children legally and ethically brought to fruition?"  

I was deeply disturbed to learn, as Heather did when she searched through the many legal documents Claudia had carefully saved over the years, 

"No one took testimony from Ezra and me or asked us what we wanted. We didn't meet either lawyer (the defense counsel for Ralph and Claudia or the D.A. who argued that Ralph and Claudia were unfit as parents) to be interviewed.  Each side's arguments came from reports filed from state social workers. No state worker was aware of the abuse we suffered in foster care. No one ever asked if we were being abused.  No lawyers represented our best interests, even though it was our future that was being discussed and litigated."  

ME after reading that paragraph: Sigh. Face-Palm. Shaking Head Back and Forth in Unbelief.

Ezra and Hadassah is a MUST-READ for foster parents or anyone considering fostering or adopting through the foster care system.  This book made such an impact on me, personally, that I couldn't get Rex and Heather- or the Spencers and Ralph and Claudia- and the themes of suffering and healing- out of my mind for days after reading.  Ezra and Hadassah is over 230 pages long but makes a very quick read (I read it for the first time in just two sittings) because it is so riveting.

Click HERE to find out where you can get your copy.

I guarantee that after you finish reading this book you will have some questions. Fortunately, Heather has put together a blog which contains updates to her life's story and answers many frequently asked questions readers may have.  For example, what is happening in her life today? Whatever became of the Spencer family or her biological parents, Ralph and Wanda?  There's even pictures so you can put faces with the people you've been reading about!

Click HERE to learn the rest of Heather's story.

Book Review- Ezra and Hadassah (Part 1)

In her autobiographical book Ezra and Hadassah: A Portait of American Royalty, Heather Young (known by her birth name Hadassah for the first years of her life) offers her readers a sobering glimpse into what it is like to be a young child in foster care.  

From the first chapter of the book Heather recounts, 

"Living as a foster child means the quality of your existence relies on the moods of those you share space with.  If it goes particularly bad for even one day, you can be packing your bags the next day, forced to leave over something you had no control over.  On the good days, the carrot of possibly making you a permanent member of the family is dangled, only to be yanked away on the next down day.  It is not unlike a yo-yo, constantly going up or down, never staying still."

Heather and her older brother, Rex (who was known by his birth name Ezra for the first nine years of his life) lived in a foster home in Portland, Oregon during the 1970s from the time they were roughly pre-school age until they were seven and nine years old.  They were then transferred into the care of a different foster home in the same state which became their permanent adoptive home.

Heather and Rex came into care not because of neglect or abuse but due to the fact that their mother was paranoid schizophrenic and their father was developmentally challenged.  Their situation was somewhat atypical of most foster children because before living in their first foster home full-time they stayed there during the day (much like a day-care arrangement) and would go home to their parents home at night.  Even when they lived in their foster home full-time they went "home" for the weekends to stay with their biological parents.

   

Heather describes her first foster home as having seven or more rotating children at a time made up of her foster family's biological children and both the longer and shorter term foster children who stayed in the home anywhere from a few days to a few months at a time.

Referring to her 'short-timer' foster counterparts, Heather remembers:

"The thing about the short timers is they never had luggage.  Their clothes and shoes and toys were always transported in brown paper grocery sacks. I thought that was terrible." 

Although the time frame for this book first takes place in the 1970s, sometimes change is slow and unfortunately, even today- over forty years later- many foster children move their belongings from place to place, including the homes they are originally removed from, in nothing but a black garbage bag.  

Rex and Heather's foster home consisted of three bedrooms- a master bedroom for the parents, a bedroom for the boys, and a bedroom for the girls.  Heather recalls "Since we had no closets or dressers in our bedrooms, the kids' rooms had plenty of space for several rows of bunk beds in each."  

As a foster parent when I first read "we had no closets or dressers in our bedrooms" I was a bit taken aback and thought, "Wait a minute- how did this family get licensed in the first place if the children in their home didn't even have personal space for their belongings?"  I had to remind myself that this was foster care back in the 1970s and not in our modern day. Were Rex and Heather to enter foster care today, Heather's foster home certainly would not have met the qualifications to provide foster care- which brings me to one of the predominant major themes/thoughts that kept coming to my mind as I read the book:

Thank goodness for reform!

Heather and Rex's first foster home had little or no structure (no rules and no schedule) a foster father whose favorite hobby appeared to be drinking beer, and two biological teenage sons who molested their younger and very vulnerable foster sisters. At just six years of age and shortly before her first runaway attempt, Heather came to the conclusion that:

"As a foster child you have no power.  You are living at the whim of others.  If you rock the boat, accusing the real children of bad things, they wouldn't be the ones leaving, you would. I couldn't risk losing what little security Ezra and I had."  

She continues,

"I didn't want to live in a different foster home.  Even though I certainly didn't like where we were, I was used to it.  The devil you know is always better than the devil you don't know."

After three years of living full-time in their foster home and with their biological parents on the weekends a caseworker visited their foster home and asked Heather and Rex, in an effort to establish some permanency in their lives, what they thought about having a family of their own- one that they could live with all the time.  It seems like a given that every child would want- not just need - a permanent home with a mom and dad (or caregivers who fulfill those vital roles in their life).  That is why I was so saddened, yet not necessarily surprised given her history, when Heather didn't know what to think when approached with the concept of having a full-time mother and father.  She described the only parents she had known in life up to that point- her foster and biological parents- this way:

"We didn't call Dorothy or Wayne our parents and we didn't call Ralph and Claudia mom and dad.  They were just their first names to us, grown-ups who took care of us." So sad.

Nevertheless, Heather was up for a new adventure and she knew that it would be a relief for her brother Rex to escape their foster father's frequent spankings so she told the social worker that it would be fun to have a new family.

The lack of transitioning from Rex and Heather's foster home to their next foster adoptive home REALLY bothered me.  Once again the repeated theme of "Thank goodness for reform!"  popped into my head.  Rather than learning anything about the family who would become their next caregivers & eventual adoptive family and assessing if the placement was even a good fit for everyone involved, one day a social worker showed up at the foster home and told the children to gather their clothes and only three personal things (because there wasn't room for anything else).   They were instructed to put their belongings into brown paper grocery sacks (Cringe!) since they didn't have suitcases.  The bags were then loaded into the social worker's trunk and everything else in Rex's and Heather's possession was left behind as they drove away from all that was familiar to them.

Just as I was heartbroken to learn that Heather was unfamiliar with the concept of being loved by a permanent mom or dad, I was equally heartbroken to read about her interaction with her foster mother the night before she left her first foster home:

"The night before we left, Dorothy came to my side at bedtime.  She hugged and kissed me, telling me she loved me.  I was elated and I didn't want to ever leave because until that night, I had no idea she loved me. She had never hugged or kissed me or touched me beyond taking care of my physical needs."  That is truly tragic.

Foster parents- or any parents for that matter- are not just there to provide food and shelter and clothes for the children in their care.  Nurturing and guidance and emotional attunement are just as vital to a child's development and well-being as are regular meals and a safe place to sleep at night.

On the ride from Portland to Eugene, where Rex and Heather's new foster home was located, Rex asked the social worker a very pertinent question, "What are my new mom and dad like?".  The social worker admitted he didn't know.  Other interactions with the children made that particular social worker's job seem more befitting of a taxi driver providing transportation for the children rather than a child welfare worker whose job actually includes looking after their best interest.  Heather recorded,

"...the social worker dumped Ezra and me and our grocery sacks of clothes in the Spencer's house and he was gone.  We were utterly on our own with strangers I was supposed to call my family."  

Can you imagine what a nerve-wracking/awkward/uncertain situation that would be for a grown man or woman to be thrown into- let alone a small child?  Again I thought, Where the heck is the transitioning in this situation?  Why had the children never even been given the chance to meet with these strangers beforehand who would become their family overnight?  Couldn't the children have at least been told something- anything- about the people and the home that was to become theirs for the rest of their formative years?  Thank goodness for reform!

Rex and Heather met their new foster family, The Spencers, along with the Spencers two adopted children- a boy and girl who were very close in age to Rex and Heather, and a grandmother who lived with the Spencers.  The children quickly become accustomed to their new home and new life because really, what other choice did they have?

I really wish I could tell you that Rex and Heather's new family was loving and welcoming and that they lived happily ever after- but the sad truth is that life with the Spencers made their previous foster home look pretty darn good, as Heather recounts:

"As the harsh realities of our adoptive life unfolded, I clung to my memories of our foster home and our real parents to give me comfort and courage.  All I had to do was survive the Spencers house until I could figure out how to get back to our old life, which I didn't realize until then, I missed terribly."

TO BE CONTINUED . . .