Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Grief

It’s our last week with Rose.


Although the good news is that we’ve had a month to prepare saying goodbye to her since learning of the newest developments in her case and Tia has invited us to still remain a part of Rose’s life (still working out the logistics of that situation- it’s complicated and I won’t be going into details)  it’s still hard.
I also think it’s safe to say that I’ve pretty much bounced back and forth between all of the stages of grief this past month.
  (I referred to the stages of grief back in this post, but I thought I’d use a different illustration this time.)
My first reaction at hearing the news that Rose would be leaving us was heartbreak- and shock.  I’ve since vacillated between depression and anger- sometimes several times in the same day.   
We’ve certainly had plenty of bargaining.  And a bit of denial, too.  When Rose toddles up to me and calls me “mom” with a smile on her face or comes up behind me and hugs the back of my leg while I’m doing the dishes I think: “This can’t be happening.  Please tell me I’m just going to wake up from a dream.” 
I think the hardest part for me personally has been having to watch Rose’s reaction the first couple of weeks of transitional visits when I would hand her over to Tia and Rose would immediately start squirming, and arching her back and crying and look at me with her pleading, deep brown eyes as if to say, “Why are you leaving me?”  “Where are you going?”  And I can’t logically explain to a toddler “I’m not leaving you- I have no choice.”
We’ve resigned ourselves to acceptance because, “There’s nothing we can do about it- we’re just the foster parents.”  After all, we went into foster care knowing beforehand that it’s not about us, and that it wouldn’t be easy- it’s about the children, right?
But that’s precisely what’s so frustrating about this whole situation:  if what were in Rose’s best interest were truly being taken into account why not just let her remain in the loving home she’s been in for a almost a year of her life with the family she’s safe with and securely attached to rather than having to be moved and disrupting her security?  Such train of thought always leads me back to anger again.
Rose won’t be with us anymore, but the important thing is that she’ll be in a safe home.  Not all children have that blessing.

5 comments:

FootPrints said...

thats hands down the worst part of transitioning...watching the child physically reject it and physically question whats happening.
our 3 year old, who has been with us since he was 3month, will leave us in february - i'm living in denial.

hold on to the fact that she will be safe. and in that regard, she is blessed.

Sunday Taylor said...

This is some tough stuff. :(

Becky said...

My initial thought is to spout all that "but what a blessing you've been to her in the last year". And that's true, of course. But right now it just plain sucks. For all of you. ((hugs))

CIW said...

I just found you blog.. and our little one left a month and a half ago. He was with us since birth for 11 months.

We were a mess. At times, still a mess.

When we were told "remember- you are JUST foster parents" I wanted to kick that CW in her knee. We aren't JUST foster parents. We have been the only family he has knows for his whole 11 months on earth.

I have to believe his mom is doing well with him. There isn't any other choice. She cannot fail. I do not want this child to know hurt, hunger, cold.. as he wouldn't have had that if he stayed with us.

Thanks for sharing your story..

CIW

Mary said...

Uggggh. Catching up on blogs, and reading your updates. Wow. So disappointing. The system fails these kids. The original intent of kinship placement was if someone could step forward initially BEFORE placing the child in a foster home--not to rip them from an attached foster/adopt relationship to place them with a family member. I'm with you on anger just reading this. So sorry.