The other day I sat down at my
computer to jot down a couple of “notes” of instructions for my sister and
sister-in-law regarding my children’s sleeping and eating schedules, among
other routines. You see, I will be
entrusting my children into my family’s care for a couple of days while my
husband and I are on a short weekend getaway.
Because of this, I want to make things as easy as possible for my
children’s caregivers as well as for my precious babies.
My husband walked into the room
while I was in the middle of typing intently on my keyboard and asked, “What
are you working on?”
“Instructions-
for when we’re gone,” I explained.
My husband scoffed and said
something to the effect of, “Why don’t you just show them where the kids clothes
and pull-ups are and they know where the food is.” He was joking- but only partially.
“THAT
is why you’re not a mother!” I retorted.
Even if it were just for a day or
two there is MUCH more information to be shared with anybody I would trust to
watch my children than just what to have them wear or what to feed them.
“Don’t
you think it might be helpful for them to know what time M. has to be at her
bus stop in the morning? Or what time to
wake the kids so that they have enough time to get them ready and fed in order to
even get out the door on time in the first place?” I began building my case. “Or what time to put them
down for bed?” I added, with a bit
of sarcasm in my voice as I stated the obvious.
Although I stopped verbalizing my
list of necessary information to my husband I couldn’t help but mentally obsess
over if I had left anything crucial out as I studiously looked over my “notes”:
Did
I mention exactly what comfort items Jill needs at bedtime and naptime to fall asleep?
Check. Did I
mention not only what homework M. needs to get done before playdates or screen
time but how to get her motivated to get it done? Check.
Should I mention the fact that
Jack is a picky eater so they know to just fix him a peanut butter and jelly
sandwich if he turns up his nose at dinner? No- M. can just fill them in on that
information- she’s helpful like that.
My “notes” of instructions
eventually turned out to be 845 words. I
think you get the point.
This experience of passing on
“instructions” on how to care for my children to others served as a great reminder
to me of a few things, namely:
1. Perhaps I can be a bit of a control freak
when it comes to making sure my kids are cared for. But you know what? I’m okay with that. Better to err on the side of providing too
much information than not enough.
2.
It’s not that I don’t trust my sister and
sister-in-law with my kids because I absolutely do- otherwise I wouldn’t leave
them in their care. (After all, they
have 11 children and 3 grandchildren between each of them and are both terrific
mothers and grandmothers.) My concern is
not if they are capable of caring for children, I just want to ensure that MY children have as easy a transition as
possible while I’m away from them.
3. Three days is the longest I can go without my
children. My husband would
prefer our getaway to be much longer but the separation anxiety is just too
much for me to handle. (And,
incidentally, I’m talking about MY anxiety being away from my children- not the
other way around!)
As a foster parent, perhaps the
most important thing I was reminded of was:
4. Think of what it would be like to have a
child legally removed from your care and be sent to live with not just with kin
but complete strangers! Can
you IMAGINE the stress, anxiety and LOSS OF CONTROL? That is precisely what birth families with
children in foster care must go through.
They must be praying that their child’s foster family is, in the least,
decent.
If I found myself in the
situation of having my children removed from my care and placed into the care
of strangers I would be worried sick
about my kids. My worry might even border on paranoia- What if this foster
family isn’t taking care of my child?
What if they’re just in it for the money? What kind of home and neighborhood do they
live in? Sure, they may have passed
background checks and licensing requirements, but what if they appear
presentable on the outside but are mean and terrible on the inside?
And then to add in the possibility that my
parental rights to my children could possibly be stripped away and this family
of strangers could potentially adopt my children (if they’re a fost-adopt
family). Horrific!
I think it’s IMPERATIVE for
foster families to put themselves in the shoes of the bio families of the
children in their care.
A few things I’ve done as a
foster parent to ease any fears of the bio parents of the children placed in my
care are:
1)
Reassure
them that I’m not here to “take” their kids from them, but to take good care of
them until they can be placed back in their care.
I can
usually tell if this is even an issue for bio parents in the first place based not
only upon the CPS or ongoing caseworker’s report of the parent’s reaction to
the removal and investigation and/or by the body language of the birth parents
or the way they interact with me the first time we meet.
2)
Ask them
if there are any routines their child is used to which might make it easier for
them while in my care.
I admit
that, depending on the background of the case, #2 is a tricky one as children
coming from backgrounds of neglect may not be used to any specific “routine” or
regularity when it comes to being fed or having a set bedtime or even being
bathed or dressed in clean clothes on a regular basis.
Wouldn’t
it be easy if foster parents had a “list” of instructions regarding the child’s
bedtime and feeding routine, food preferences or allergies, likes and dislikes,
etc. It is particularly challenging to
care for a child when they are a baby or non-verbal and it’s just a guessing
game as to how they like to be held or comforted or what foods or formulas they
do best with. One advantage to fostering
older children or sibling groups with an older child is that they can at least
tell you what they’re used to or the older sibling can fill in helpful
information about younger siblings.
3)
Refer to
their child as “your child” or specifically refer to the parent in front of the
child as “your mommy” or “your dad”, etc.
This
might seem like a no-brainer but I had one caseworker specifically thank me for
treating and referring to my foster daughter’s parents at visits and meetings
as precisely that- her parents. This
caseworker had noted that a few foster parents would specifically say things
like “Come to mommy!” to their young foster child, with outstretched arms in the presence of their foster child’s parents
at the close of visits. I was repulsed
to hear of such disrespect. Regardless
of the reasons a child comes into care or what allegations have been made
against the child’s parents, they are still, in fact, the child’s parents until
a judge deems otherwise, and that needs to be acknowledged.
4) Give the parents pictures of their children-
especially if a special occasion is coming up like Christmas or Mother’s Day. Bio parents may not have the greatest track
record of caring for their children, but they do, in fact, love their children
and when foster parents are willing to pass on pictures to them (whether just a
snapshot or professionally done) these pictures of their children are sure to
be treasured.
I
recently attended a conference with a FABULOUS keynote speaker, Donna Foster (yes- that’s really her last name), who is
a former foster parent and currently trains foster parents and child welfare
professionals. At the conference, Donna not
only discussed fears that bio parents might have but suggestions of what foster
parents can do to build better relationships with bio families. Refer to this write-up for some of Donna
Foster’s wisdom.
To read
about some additional suggestions of ways not only foster parents can
build a relationship with their foster child’s parents, but ways that social
workers can encourage such relationships, enlarge the following charts which were
taken from the Annie E. Casey Foundation website:
I think we can all agree that every parent
wants what’s best for their child and it can be tough to have someone take over
parenting your child- whether that be for a couple of days, several months, or
forever.
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