Em is Back

I feel extremely grateful because right now all three of my children are watching a movie together, snacking on Doritos, and occasionally laughing at some line from the movie or some inside joke they have between each other. The best part is that it’s not just temporary. Over the weekend Em decided she wanted to return home to us- for good.

It took less than 7 weeks for our daughter and her birth mom to grow out of the Honeymoon Phase with each other after our daughter decided to leave our house and move in with her birth mom (who happens to live 20 minutes away from us). 

Although my husband and I knew that our daughter wouldn’t be in danger when she left, we were also aware of some red flags that filled us with concern for Em’s sake.  The last couple of times we’ve talked with Em she would hint at things not being ideal. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that she shared some more details with us and it took every bit of self-restraint within me to stop from exclaiming “I told you so!”

Em shared that she started feeling like “a burden” to her birth mom. After all, she still doesn’t have a driver’s license or a job so she would have to be driven to and from school each day or anywhere else she wanted to go. Although we would like her to get her license soon, our biggest priority for her is staying in school and graduating next year.

Not only was Em feeling like a burden, but her birth mom made some very direct comments to her which would definitely make anyone feel pretty much like a burden as well. Em learned that, like most parents, her birth mom isn’t perfect despite the pedestal Em seems to have put her on.

I also don’t think Em’s birth mom was fully aware of Em’s emotional immaturity, her special needs, and certainly her physical conditions [Em was formally diagnosed with POTS last year after a couple of years of troubling symptoms.]. However, after one episode where Em started feeling dizzy and had to sit down, her birth mom implied that she was “faking it” for attention when, in fact, all of Em’s teachers at school have notice of her medical condition on file and what to do in case of sudden low blood pressure or wonky heart rate.

That’s another reason why it’s been hard for Em to look for a job- not many jobs for teenagers allow them to sit or rest when needed. In fast food or retail, you’re always on the go.

I think one of the saddest parts of Em moving back home with us was her birth mom’s reaction when Em told her about her decision.  Her birth mom basically gaslighted her, tried to make her feel guilty, and then accused her of “taking advantage of me.” Fortunately, the invitation to visit if wanted has still been left open for my daughter from her birth mom.

I’m not naive enough to think that things between Em and my husband and I as her parents will be automatically be perfect from now on. Of course we’re still going to have clashes. But I think the past 7 weeks have made Em realizes that our home is a pretty good place to be and that despite our faults as parents, we will always love her and welcome her.