Last week our family consisted of
our own children- ages 7, 2 ½ and 1 ½ years old- PLUS a 2 year old girl we watched
as we provided respite care for her foster family who went on vacation out of
state for eight days. Needless to say,
it was a busy week.
This was the first placement we
have taken since Jack and Jill were adopted and, therefore, it was also the
first placement where we’ve had more than one child of our own to take into
consideration when trying to decide if the placement would be a good fit for
our family.*
I expected- simply because of the
factor of ages alone- that having three children under 3 years of age would be
a bit challenging- regardless of if our 2 year old placement, whom I will refer
to as “Emily”, were the best-behaved child in the world. Age is probably the biggest factor in
predicting how this particular placement would affect my children but I think
that the personality types and the genders of my children also played a big
part (I know, I know- I analyze things
too much). Each of my children acted
a little bit differently to Emily coming into our home and I’ll elaborate on
that later.
After getting the call from our
Resource Family Consultant [the caseworker who works with us as foster parents
and calls about potential placements which might be a good fit for our family] I asked my 7 year old daughter, M. how she felt about the idea of us watching a
2 year old girl for a week. She seemed
pretty excited and my husband was on board as well (largely due to the fact
that it would only be for a week). I was curious as to how Jack and Jill would
respond to having a child so close to their own ages in our home but with their
young ages I obviously couldn’t put the issue to a family vote, so I simply
explained to them that we would be having a “friend” come stay with us for a
week.
I was able to talk with Emily’s
foster mom on the phone a few days before Emily came to our home which was very
helpful. As she was sharing information
with me, Emily’s foster mom explained that this was actually the second time
that Emily had come into their care. She was with them for several months as a
baby, was reunited with her father, and then just a few weeks ago she came back
into their care again.
I remembered how hard it was for
me to leave Jack and Jill with another foster family last year when our family
went out of the country on a family trip that had been a long time in the
planning and it obviously wouldn’t have been possible to take them with us. Even though (at that point) my foster children
weren’t technically “my” children I wanted to make sure that they were going to
a good home while we were gone. Because
let’s face it, foster families are like all families- there are some good ones
out there and some not-so-good ones.
Fortunately, with the help of our RFC, Jack and Jill were placed with a
wonderful foster family while we were gone.
It was a huge relief and blessing for me.
On a side note: Another good
reason foster families should get to know other foster families in their area
(besides being a source of support for each other) is to learn which families
you can trust if you ever need to use respite.
I also remembered feeling guilty
when we had to use respite for a few other family vacations over the years-
including an anniversary trip to Hawaii.
But foster families shouldn’t have to put their lives on hold just
because they have a placement. Because
of this, I wanted to reassure Emily’s foster mom that she should just try to
relax and have fun with her family because we would take good care of Emily. The morning she dropped Emily off to our
house she confided, “I know that she’ll be alright while we’re gone- it’s ME
I’m worried about.” Totally understood.
In our short phone conversation
with each other, Emily’s foster mom also mentioned that their family had
adopted Emily’s half-brother which is why she was placed with them in the first
place. She also mentioned that because
Emily was returned to the care of her father she actually preferred male
caregivers to female caregivers and she was curious to see if she would prefer
my husband over me as she preferred her foster father over her foster
mother. She was also curious to see if
Emily would refer to us as “mom” and “dad” which is what she calls her foster
parents.
*I think it was much easier to open our home to foster placements when
my husband and I had no children because it was just a matter of US adjusting
to having the child in our home and adapting to their personality and
needs. Plus, we could shower a ton of
attention on any foster children without having to worry about dividing up our
time and efforts with any other children in the home.
It was a little more difficult after our daughter was adopted because
then we had to examine how any placements would affect her as well. [And, of course, being first-time “official”
parents who were totally overly protective of her we would often imagine the
worst case scenario which has a lot to do with why up till now we have only
taken foster placements younger than she is].
Similarly, now that we have three children we have to assess how any
future placements or adoptions might affect each of our children -taking into
account their different personalities, stages in life, and particular needs.
In retrospect, I think that a childless couple would be a great
candidate for fostering or adopting a sibling group. We were too hesitant to take more than one
child at a time until after we had been fostering for five or six years. Ironically, now that I feel more open to
fostering or adopting [another] sibling group I get disappointed when I am
drawn to a profile of a sibling group or older child only to discover that they
“must be the youngest or only child” in the family. Families with no children in their home would
be a perfect fit for these kids!
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