Guest Post: Myths and Facts about Foster Care Adoption

I thought it would be appropriate for National Foster Care Month to share a guest post courtesy of Children First FFA, a private, non-profit foster agency based in California, about Myths and Facts about Foster Care Adoption:

Myths and Facts about Foster Care Adoption


Over 100,000 children in the United States are waiting to be adopted. Unfortunately, too many of them—over 22,000 of them—age out of the system when they turn 18. This leaves them vulnerable to all kinds of difficult situations and large percentages of them become homeless, incarcerated, or early parents. There are a number of myths that have persisted and that have prevented potential adoptive parents to consider foster care adoption. Here are a few of them.


Myth: Every foster child has mental, physical, or emotional issues.

While foster children have usually experienced neglect, abuse, or abandonment that was significant enough for the state to take them away from their birth families, it doesn’t mean that they are beyond help. Children are surprisingly resilient. Given a stable environment, along with the nurture and support of a loving family, they can grow into a stable, healthy adult. Yes, there may be challenges, but every child is capable of healing from past wounds.


Myth: I only qualify if I am married, well-to-do, young, and own my own home.

People of all types of socioeconomic statuses, ages, and races can and have adopted children. Single parents make up one-third of adoptive parents. People in their 50s and 60s, such as Stan and Gloria, are adopting children at increasing rates. And, while it may be ideal to own your own home, it’s not necessarily required—you only need to prove that you have the adequate means to provide for a child.


Myth: I can’t afford to adopt.

Private adoptions may be outside of your budget, but foster care adoption may cost you almost nothing. There are both state and federal subsidies for adoptions made through the foster system. These subsidies cover costs incurred during and after adoption, such as court costs, home study costs, medical benefits, and college tuition waivers.


Myth: I need to have parenting experience.

Many people adopt because they were never able to have children of their own. However, that doesn’t mean they are not able to develop the skills necessary to parent a child. If you have the right heart and the willingness to learn parenting skills, you can adopt too.


Myth: I don’t have a choice on the type of child I can adopt.

You will be able to set your preferences for the child you want to adopt. You will also be able to say yes or no to a match. Keep in mind, however, that the broader you make your parameters, the more options you will have.

Don’t let the myths scare you away. Foster care adoption is easier than you might think and it’s a rewarding experience that will change you and your adopted child for a lifetime.

This Mother's Day (Part Two)

I had a pretty good Mother's Day this year for the most part but I found that any feelings of gratitude for the blessing of being a mother competed with feelings of sorrow and empathy and even guilt.  

I felt bad for those women who sit with empty arms, such as a niece of mine who is eager to start a family but who has suffered not just one but two miscarriages this year.  I remembered back to the years of Mother's Days when I would sit- yet again- with no child to call my own.  I dreaded going to church on those days because I felt like a failure- I wasn't part of "The Club" and I just sort of wanted to become invisible so as not to call attention to what was lacking in my life.  

On Mother's Day I was also mindful of other women who have lost children, including two of my sisters.  Although my sisters have other {living} children, I know how much their buried children continue to remain a part of their hearts even if they're technically not able to wrap their arms around them or if their departed children can't join their siblings and the rest of the family at the dinner table.

It seems inevitable that children will have to bury their parents someday but the thought of parents burying a child just stings and seems so unfair.

Then there's the feelings of GUILT I felt on Mother's Day.  This is the feeling I struggled with the most. I wanted to ignore these feelings- but I just couldn't.  As an adoptive mother I can't realistically claim that my children are "my own" and that they only belong to me because I share them with their first mothers. I was happy to learn that our oldest daughter's birth mother had a wonderful Mother's Day and that she was celebrated and surrounded by her children and family.  

However, I was saddened to realize that while I get to have my youngest two children in my life and can legally be called their mother they have another mother who has lost her children.  And I use the term "lost" because her decision to relinquish her parental rights was under such different circumstances than our oldest daughter's birthmother who willingly relinquished her parental rights shortly after M. was born.

Especially disheartening is the fact that I recently discovered that Jack and Jill's birth mom would be spending Mother's Day in jail.  So this Mother's Day while I was showered with sloppy kisses and hugs from little arms around my neck and dinner my husband lovingly prepared which included chocolate cake for dessert far bigger than my head, I couldn't help but think of another mother sitting in a lonely jail cell left to think of all she has lost including her children- "our" children.  It was depressing to think about and really put a damper on any celebrations.

I know that this is a bit of a downer of a post, but I think it's needful to be aware of those mothers who experience loss of the dream of a child or their actual child- which loss is certainly likely to be magnified on Mother's Day.

I'm not suggesting that Mother's Day should be cancelled or anything at the risk of hurting anyone's feelings because Motherhood is SO worth celebrating!  However, we can be a bit more mindful of women and mothers who have experienced (and will continue to experience) loss. Obviously, because of the way my children came to be a part of my life my feelings gravitate towards birthmothers in general and specifically the birth mothers of my children.

This Mother's Day . . .

Just posting two things that REALLY resonated with me and touched my heart this Mother's Day Weekend: