Em's Moms

I mentioned back in this post that I hadn’t talked to Em’s birth mom since Em left home for 7 weeks to live with her.  Although she’s not living with her anymore, Em still keeps in touch with her birth mom and occasionally will even spend the night if they hang out too late together as Em still doesn’t have her driver’s license and can’t drive herself home.

It wasn’t until an emergency last month that brought Em’s birth mom and I (and my husband) to interact with each other again.  I got a text from Em the night before that she would be spending the night at her birth mom’s after a family party went late.  I admit, I tried to talk her out of going in the first place as she had missed some school that week from being sick and she still seemed pretty run down.  It was a school night that night so my biggest concern was that Em made it to school on time the next day as she is just months away from graduating from high school and she can’t afford to miss any school or get behind in her classes.

The next morning as I was getting my younger kids off to school and getting ready to go to work I checked my phone to see if Em would make it to school on time for her first class (she has enough credits that she can sleep in as a “home release” for her first two classes both A and B days of school which has been beneficial for her emotional and physical health).  “Oh good!” I thought to myself as I saw her location-“they’re headed in the right direction on the freeway for her to get to school on time.”  My husband happened to be working from home that day, and I guess great minds think alike (and/or we’re both naturally overprotective) because a few minutes later he came hurriedly upstairs after he had checked to make sure Em made it to school and asked me with concern in his voice, “Why is Em’s location showing the hospital?  It even looks like it’s in the E.R.?”

My heart started racing and I checked my phone to confirm Em’s latest location and sure enough, her location showed she was at a hospital.  I immediately texted Em and tried calling her but she was not answering.  Of course, emergencies only happen at inconvenient times, so although I normally don’t drive my youngest daughter to school, as soon as I texted Em’s birth mom to find out what was going on I had to drop Jill off at school that morning so that her creative but bulky Valentine’s Day box wouldn’t get ruined on the bus.

“Is Em okay?  I texted. She’s not returning my texts or answering my calls and her location shows the hospital.”  A few minutes later I got the response “No- she’s not.  I was driving her to school and she said her stomach hurt and then she passed out.  I couldn’t revive her, so I took her to the ER.” 

My husband headed to the hospital while I drove my youngest to school while simultaneously using voice command to send messages to my boss and clients that I’d have to cancel appointments for the day due to an emergency- all the while not knowing if it would turn out to be a “big” or a “little” emergency.

After I dropped Jill off to school I began to imagine all sorts of scenarios, and because my mind naturally goes to the worst case, I thought to myself, “If this incident has anything whatsoever to do with drugs or alcohol Em is cutting off ALL contact with her birth mom.”  Em’s birth mom has worked very hard to remain sober, so although it wasn’t a likely scenario, you never know.  I knew the stomach pain wasn’t appendicitis because Em had an emergency appendectomy a couple of years ago.  “Shoot- what if she’s pregnant!” Also highly unlikely for good reasons, but still a possibility.  And then as I was rushing to get to the hospital amid all of my panic and racing thoughts I had the distinct impression come to me that I needed to be gentle and loving towards Em’s birth mom.  I’m not normally a mean person, but my Mama Bear instincts were revving up and I was admittedly annoyed that I was the one who had to reach out to Em’s birth mom first to find out my child was in the hospital, rather than her immediately calling me or my husband and letting us know.

When I arrived at the ER and announced which patient I was looking for a nurse came out and asked, “How are you related to the patient?”  “I’m mom.” I answered- somewhat more emphatically than I expected.  The nurse hesitated for a moment and then said, “Okay . . . just making sure” and showed me to the room where my husband and Em’s birth mom already were. It must have been kind of confusing for one “mom” to bring a daughter in and then have another “mom” come.  In addition, when the nurses and staff were talking to us  it was a little awkward as they wanted to communicate with all three of us, but weren’t sure who to turn and look at as they directed their questions and updates.

As soon as I saw Em’s birth mom in the room I went up to her and gave her a hug.  She looked somewhat surprised and a little relieved. Maybe she thought I was going to chew her out or place blame.  I’m not normally a hugger, but l felt an undeniable prompting to be gentle and loving and it’s like some force outside of myself was propelling me to make that gesture.

Em had at least one IV hooked up to her as well as an oxygen mask over her face.  The dr explained that her oxygen was low on arrival. Apparently they also had also inserted a catheter and had to cut into some of her clothes. 

“I told them she has POTS,” Em’s birth mom exclaimed . . . but I don’t know which medications she’s on.”  When the nurses made room and it was safe to do so my husband moved to Em’s bed and held her hand and began talking to her.  Although she was still pretty out of it, she was able to squeeze his hand to let him know she could hear him.  Meanwhile, I sat down in a chair next to a nurse at a computer and started rattling off all of Em’s medications as well as her diagnoses.  Em’s birth mom looked a little intimidated and flustered in a way.

The good news is that Em only had to spend about four hours in the ER that morning before becoming stable enough to be discharged and come home.  I felt bad that I had to cancel my clients that day- although I knew that none of them were in active crisis situations.  It felt good to stay home with Em and take care of her because she’s at an age and stage in her life when she wants to be so independent that she is somewhat resistant to letting me care for her and she sees any attempts of doing so on my part as me trying to “control” her while I view it as simply supporting her and being her parent.

The most concerning part of that day was not knowing exactly what triggered Em’s episode- other than her history of POTS. Em’s birth mom listed off everything to the hospital staff that Em had eaten the night before and that morning – nothing new- and the only medication she had taken that morning were her ADHD meds and some cold medicine as she was getting over being sick.  The doctor told us that he was a little worried when first Em arrived at the ER because her glassy eyed look and state of unresponsiveness reminded him of recent patients he had seen who have come in after overdosing on Benadryl- even going so far as to hallucinate and try and grab things that weren’t really there. But Em isn’t dumb enough to do that.

A tox screen was done as well as other lab work and at least one ultrasound to rule things out. No drugs or alcohol were involved.  Maybe it was just a matter of Em’s body being run down in the first place.  And, of course, morning coffee certainly doesn’t help with tachycardia symptoms (Em has stated that’s one of the reasons she likes her birth mom’s house over ours- her birth mom always has coffee and we don’t have any).  Most of the time when Em has issues with racing heart and dizziness it’s considered “pre-syncope”- feeling like she’s going to pass out- but rarely does she get to the point of actually passing out. We had a scary experience over the summer after she got her wisdom teeth out and had a bad reaction to the anesthesia while recovering at home. We couldn’t get her fully awake and when the paramedics arrived at our house and took her blood pressure and heart rate and saw the results they immediately asked “Which ER do you want us to take her to?”

The week after Em’s recent ER visit I followed up by getting her in to a specialist who had seen her before who ordered a few more tests and then went over treatment options, including reminders of the things she should already be doing: drink plenty of water and electrolytes, increase salt intake, avoid caffeine, wear compression socks or her abdominal binder, and continue in physical therapy. No new medication will be prescribed until she does all those things and they don’t relieve her symptoms.  Em has done physical therapy previously to build up her stamina as well as to help with hypermobility issues (it’s possible she has Ehlers Danlos as well, but if so it’s a mild case).  Although at the appointment she told the nurse “I guess I could do PT again if it’s not on the days I exercise at school in yoga class” (which would make her too tired to do both) when I tried making an appointment for her a couple days later she said “I don’t have to go because I’m 18 now.”  But it’s part of your recommended treatment plan!” I retorted. “I don’t want you to end up in the ER or Instacare again!”  (A couple of weeks earlier she kept stumbling at school despite the fact that she had eaten and worn her compression socks that day.  It’s the weirdest thing to see happen because her legs just “give out” and she looks like a drunk person walking.  I thought she may have been dehydrated and needed an IV which is why I took her to InstaCare, but by the time we saw the dr her legs were well enough that she could get out of the wheelchair they put her in when she arrived.)

It’s an awkward position to be in when you’re parenting an 18 year old who wants all the freedom of adulthood but not necessarily the responsibilities that come with taking care of yourself and being independent.  Speaking of being independent, Em has expressed that if she does leave home after graduating from high school since she already gave living with her birth mom a try and that didn’t work out as a permanent option, she would like to move in with her boyfriend and his family.  I try to remain calm and not overreact when she brings it up, but when I ask logical questions like “Are you going to pay rent?”  “Are you going to pay for your shampoo and makeup?” she just gets annoyed with me.

It also makes me wonder, “Is our house (and family) really that bad?”  Occasionally Em will dramatically complain that “We don’t have any good food in the house! I bet ______ (my birth mom) would take me to Chik-Fil-A right now if I asked!” I try to let complaints like that slide and usually just end up rolling my eyes.  Those reasons to move out seem so superficial to me.  But a couple of months ago Em did bring up a legitimate reason that I honestly hadn’t considered from her perspective.  She mentioned that one of the reasons she wanted to leave our house in the first place and live with her birth mom is because our house can get so noisy- mostly because of when Jill has meltdowns and yells. And although I’d like to say that I always remain calm when my child is out of control- especially when she’s throwing things, hitting or kicking us, or swearing at us- the truth is that sometimes I just get so frustrated that I can’t help but yell back.

Last week Em had Senior Prom so she invited her birth mom and biological half sister to our house before the dance to do her hair and makeup.  I was cordial, but tried giving them their “space” as well- (even though it was in my own home).  It’s an interesting dynamic but for now we’re in a good place.  I would love Em to spend Easter weekend with our family but I also know that her birth mom has talked about plans as well.  I hate when it feels like a competition.