Orphans of the Living

What is it about me?  If I don’t currently have a foster placement then I’m reading or thinking about foster care.   Case in point:  I just finished this book last week- Orphans of the Living: Stories of America’s Children in Foster Care.    And now I’m going to briefly write about it.

Orphans of the Living was written by journalist Jennifer Toth and it chronicles the early lives of four children navigating their way through the U.S. Foster Care system.  Two of the children in these stories are considered “success” stories while two are considered “unsuccessful.”  Although foster homes are mentioned in some of the children’s cases, this book could easily double as a study for the juvenile court and detention system, as at least three of the children in the book spent much of their time in foster care in the “care” (or perhaps I should say jurisdiction as “care” seems to be an oxymoron) in detention centers.  Some of the children also spent some of their time in “children’s homes” which I’ve concluded is pretty much the politically correct term for what most people refer to as an orphanage.

The most sensationalized yet true account was of a young foster girl “Angel” who legally married (with her mother’s written consent) her foster father at the age of fourteen, just two years after her foster mother had died.  Not only that, but she had five children with her former foster father/husband before she turned 19.  Did I mention that Angel’s foster father was 69 years old?  Excuse me- I just threw up in my mouth a little bit!  You too?  When I was reading Angel’s story I thought “This is just far too ‘Jerry Springer’ to me” which is ironic because further into the book, sure enough, Angel was delighted to appear with her husband on The Jerry Springer Show- twice.

Each of the children in these stories had truly tragic backgrounds.  The most common reason for their removal from their families was drug addiction.  Sexual abuse both before the children’s removals and afterwards was rampant in the book.  Some of the accounts of the abuse were described in greater detail than other accounts and I would warn that reading about it is not for the faint in heart.

This book just reaffirmed to me that addiction, abuse, and even poverty and crime are so cyclical in nature.  When I read about a couple of the foster children who were placed in detention centers only to be told by their parents “I was there, too, when I was your age” I couldn’t help but think back to a commercial years ago that showed a dad come into the room with some drugs and he started chewing his son out and said ‘Where did you get this?  Who taught you about these things?” and the boy yelled back “It was YOU!  I learned it by watching you!”  A concluding voiceover somberly announced  “Parents who do drugs have children who do drugs.”  Although the commercial was often parodied and not taken seriously, it contained a lot of truth. 

Orphans of the Living was overall, depressing to read and yet I was drawn to it.  Why?  Because I simply cannot ignore some of the statistics the author cited in her introduction.  

Toth described today’s foster care system as “tired” and “destructive”. 

"A system that feeds 40 percent of its children onto welfare rolls or into prison, according to a study commissioned by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.  Only 17 percent of foster care “graduates” become completely self-supporting two and one half to four years after discharge.  While more than half (54 percent) finish high school, a little less than half (49 percent) are gainfully employed as adults.  Almost 60 percent of the girls give birth within a few years of leaving the system.

Without the backbone of a stable childhood environment and the opportunity to bond with responsible adults, these children are at great risk of falling through society’s safety nets.  Former foster kids are three times more likely to become homeless.  Major metropolitan areas report that as much as 30 to 40 percent of their shelter population has passed through the foster care system."

None of these findings were particularly new to me and I don’t know that I necessarily have a solution to the problem of the increasing amount of children entering the foster system and particularly, older foster children “aging out” of the system, but this is what I DO know: Our most serious social problems begin AND end with the family.

What can be done to prevent the cycles of abuse and addiction?  Are these problems so deeply rooted into families that it’s useless to talk about prevention and we must now use all of our energy and resources (including tax dollars) just keeping up with all of the resulting repercussions of broken homes and wounded children?  Any thoughts?

Also, can anyone out there recommend or share any SUCCESS STORIES of children who successfully “graduated” from the foster care system?  I need to hear some good to balance the bad.

"Normalizing" Adoption

A couple of years ago a young neighbor girl approached me and quietly asked, “Does M. know she’s adopted?”. I immediately found myself growing defensive- not so much because of the actual question but because of the implications her tone of voice implied- as if being adopted were some big, scary secret. If this little girl were an adult my overprotective Mama Bear instincts would have kicked in full gear and I would have been very tempted to become reactionary and turn the question around on her and ask, “OF COURSE!  Why WOULDN’T she know she’s adopted?” But I realized that she was just a child who was asking an innocent question and that this was an opportunity for a teaching moment. I calmly answered her inquiry by replying, “Yes, M. knows she’s adopted. She’s always known and we’ve talked about it since she was a tiny baby.” The little girl smiled, satisfied that her question had been answered. That was the end of the discussion.

I think that for me, as an adoptive parent, there’s a happy medium when it comes to how often and how much I talk about my child’s adoption with her and with others. On the one hand, I don’t want my daughter to ever feel like the fact that she was adopted is “weird” or something she should be ashamed of. I think it’s important for her to realize that the way she joined our family is different from the “typical” way other children join their families. Hopefully, through our communication our daughter will come away with the sense that adoption is something that makes her unique, rather than “weird” and it is something to be celebrated.

On the other hand, I don’t want to emphasize the fact that she’s adopted SO MUCH that it reinforces how “different” she is from others and, by so doing, it instills a sense of alienation or embarrassment in her.

Speaking on the subject of Adoption as Misrepresented in the Media, adoptive parent and adoption advocate Sally Bacchetta said,

"Adoption is not the “normal” course… humans are not biologically or physiologically predisposed toward adoption. Adoption was created, not organically instilled. However, it is a reality, and adoptive families have the same potential for love and bonding and affection and permanency as any family created biologically.

So, there’s a paradox there, for the media and for the rest of us. How to speak authentically about adoption – that is to acknowledge that it is in some way different, yet not make “different” mean “less than, bad, inferior, weird”, etc."

When the topic comes up I gladly share that M. is adopted, but I don’t go around telling people “My daughter is adopted!” when it’s not relevant. Doing so would be like a parent announcing “My child was a breech birth!” every time introductions are made. If birth stories were a topic of conversation, then it would certainly be appropriate to share such details, but otherwise, does it really matter?

I think it’s a balancing act to acknowledge that adoption is different – or to speak “authentically about adoption” as Sally Baccheta puts it, without automatically lumping or equating something that is “different” within the same category of something that is “abnormal.” OR, taken to the other extreme “sensationalizing” the subject.

Looking at both ends of the spectrum, I like to refer to keeping adoption somewhere in between the two pendulums as “normalizing” adoption.

I’ll be the first to admit, my husband and I probably swing more towards the right side of the spectrum in terms of celebrating (but not sensationalizing) our daughter’s adoption. Her adoption is indeed something to be celebrated, but at the same time, we are just a regular family too, who happens to be built through adoption. 

Did anyone catch the episode of Modern Family where the adoptive parents tried to “normalize” their daughter’s adoption by excessively using the word “adoption” in everyday speech and then training Lily to clap her hands every time she heard the word? I got a kick out of that. I was also very touched by the “Two Monkeys and a Panda” story.   Especially when Lily clapped her hands excitedly at the very last word.

Mama Mania Panel

Mama Lark has invited me to be on a year-long weekly panel of foster moms on her blog.

Click HERE to meet the panel members of “MAMA MANIA.”

I look forward to learning something new from each of these women as they offer up a different perspective unique to their own experiences!

Week one of the panel started today. Click HERE to read. Enjoy.

Artificial Twinning

 I had never heard the term “artificial twinning” until last year when our adoption caseworker used it in a sentence. I was familiar with the concept, but I just didn’t know there was actually a coined phrase to describe it. The name alone brings to mind images of scientists in white lab coats, surrounded by petri dishes, syringes, and lab rats. However, in the adoption world, artificial twinning, using Adopting.org’s definition, is defined as:

“An expression used to describe unrelated children in a family whose birthdates are less than 9 months apart, including- a combination of biological and adopted siblings, adopted only, step or foster siblings."

I’ve been curious about the subject so I googled the term and came across a few articles full of professional insight. What I learned in my reading is that pretty much without exception, adoption and child development professionals discourage the practice of artificial twinning. Why? As adoption director and author of the article Artificial Twinning: Adopting More than One (page two on this adoption newsletter) Richard Van Deelen says

“ the adjustment demands of both children happening simultaneously may overwhelm the capacities of the parents to cope and adjust themselves.” He was speaking specifically about cases of couples adopting babies at the same time."

I can understand that line of reasoning. Children- especially babies- do require a lot of work. I thought back to three short years ago, when a four-month-old baby girl was placed with us as a foster placement. Our nights suddenly included middle of the night feedings, lullabies, and diaper changes. Just two weeks after our foster daughter was placed with us we received word that our daughter’s birthmother had chosen us and another baby girl would be joining our family. When our daughter came home from the NICU a month later it made things a little easier for my husband and I since we no longer had to coordinate our schedules and take turns going to the hospital several times a day to feed, hold, change, and bathe our daughter, but now our nights were full of twice as many middle of the night feedings, lullabies, diaper changes, etc. We devoted all of our time, energy, and love to caring for both babies. It was exciting but physically exhausting as well. Many people would say, “It’s like having twins!” In some ways I’m sure it was, but in other ways my mother, who knows firsthand what it’s like to raise twins, says it was probably a lot harder because although the girls were only five months apart chronologically, they were on very different developmental levels considering our daughter was a preemie. They were also on different sleeping and feeding schedules, wore different size diapers and clothes, drank different formulas, and went to different pediatricians. Notwithstanding the demands of two babies, my husband and I wouldn’t change that experience for anything.

Van Deelen also addressed the concerns of competition and comparison in artificial twins. To reduce such comparisons he suggests that adoption agencies use age spacing- (ideally, he says, adding a second child when the first is 2 ½ to 3 years old) and that they place children of different genders together.

I can personally attest to the fact that twins do get compared to each other- a lot- regardless of whether they’re identical or fraternal or even the same gender. I know this because I am a twin. Then again, “regular” siblings also get compared to each other, too. The biggest difference is that in twins their similarities and differences seem much more pronounced because of their obvious closeness in age, and in some cases, appearances.

Patricia Irwin Johnson, a fertility specialist and adoption educator, was much more outspoken than Van Deelen in voicing her opinion on the subject of artificial twinning in her article Instant Family: The Case Against Artificial Twinning.

The specific focus in Irwin’s article was “the unique issues of genetically unrelated healthy babies less than eight months apart in age, who, during the cognitively, physically, and emotionally crucial first year of their lives, become “twins.” My goal is to help parents-to-be see that creating families in this way is not in either baby’s best interest.”

Although I appreciated that Johnson had the babies best interest at heart I wasn’t a big fan of the way she painted infertile parents who are hoping to adopt as selfish, naïve, impatient, and even unethical. Even if a family did, as one of her examples suggested, simultaneously adopt two unrelated babies through international adoption, isn’t it better for a child to be placed in an adoptive two-parent home even if they must divide their time and attention with another child so close to their age rather than the alternative of remaining in a crowded orphanage with a ratio of caregivers to children which makes it nearly impossible for each child to get their needs met?

Other points of interest in Johnson’s article were her suggestions for parents with very close-in age babies. I thought the “separating your children in school” advice was interesting as I’ve seen some mothers of “real” twins (as opposed to “artificial” twins- UGGH- the term sounds far too weird to me, as if the children are robots or some kind of a science experiment!) use both strategies with their twins- keeping them in the same classroom/same teacher versus purposely splitting them up into different classrooms.

Anyway, I know there are some foster and adoptive FAMILIES OUT THERE WHO FIT THE CRITERIA FOR HAVING ARTIFICIAL TWINS:  What are your thoughts on the matter? Do you agree with what professionals have to say or do your own personal experiences tell a different story? What are the advantages, disadvantages, or concerns about having “artificial twins” in your family?

The Waiting Place

Alternate Title for this Post:  "Can I have some Cheese with my WHINE?" 

Yep . . . this one's a venting post.

Lately I’ve found myself giving in to feelings which can become all too familiar for those waiting to adopt (or for anyone who is anxiously awaiting anything significant in their life, for that matter): namely- feelings of self-pity, alienation, and impatience.

It’s been 27 months since our home study has been approved, or as I automatically equate it with- 3 “regular” pregnancies. Enter Impatience. Looks like we WILL have to wait as long as an elephant for our next child! [Reference to this post where I noted that elephants are the mammals with the longest gestation period of 22 months.]

Waiting is hard. And I’m well aware that there are plenty of others out there who have been waiting much longer than I have or will ever have to! Waiting can indeed serve a purpose, but sometimes it feels, in the words of Dr. Suess, like “a most useless place.” To further quote Dr. Suess‘s Oh The Places You’ll Go (it seems fitting seeing as this month is his birthday):

"The Waiting Place … for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go or a bus to come, or a plane to go or the mail to come, or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting."

The thing that frustrates me most is that we haven’t just been “sitting around” waiting for the phone to ring. We’ve tried to be proactive and do our part. Over the past two years I’ve had another surgery but no resulting pregnancies (which, incidentally makes me feel like a total failure). We’ve also taken two foster placements which have resulted in a reunification and a kinship placement/adoption. GREAT for our foster children, but hard on us. I’ve searched through profiles of “Waiting Children” but thus far nothing has felt right. We’ve researched additional adoption agencies and a few adoption facilitators and discussed which ones seem most reputable and affordable.  We’ve updated our birthparent letter and online profile with our current agency and we’ve sent out even more reminders to family and friends about our hopes to adopt in the hopes that they can “keep their ears open” for us, But every time I do so it just serves as a reminder of how “different” we are from most everyone else who builds their families seemingly effortlessly and predictably through having biological children. Enter Alienation.

Sometimes on my especially bitter days my thinking is overcome with “If Only’s”. Enter Self-Pity.

“If only my body were normal.”

“If only we were rich- maybe adoption IS all about the money.“ (Not true- but sometimes it seems that way.) Then we could fly to Africa or China and adopt internationally. Or we could go through an agency that can guarantee us a child-preferably in months rather than years as we’re not getting any younger. When you’re in your early or mid-twenties you can wait four or five years for a child, but when you’re in your mid-thirties or older TIME IS OF THE ESSENCE!

“If only we lived in Memphis, Tennessee- then we could post our adoption profile in the bathrooms of Frayser High School.” Just kidding . . . sort of.

“If onlys” can be my worst enemy. They defeat any hope and faith I have and leave me feeling very ungrateful. But perhaps the most damaging spiritual aspect of If Only’s is that they cause me to think that my plans and personal timeline are more important or wiser than the Lord’s will.

Every so often I feel the need to take a break from the online adoption community simply because it can be so emotionally all-encompassing.  But as I recently dove back in and started reading the thoughts of others- wether they are in the middle of an adoption journey or just starting out, dealing with the uncertainty surrounding foster care, or in the process of making an adoption plan for their child, it was comforting to realize that I am not the only one in "The Waiting Place" or "The Inbetween". 

Here's a little nugget of wisdom offered up by another foster mom (it was accompanied by a beautiful picture nonetheless) which helped to buoy me up while I wait:

“when times get muddy and unclear - keep persevering. something beautiful is about to bloom.”