My Beautiful Heartbreak

There’s an inspirational music video which has been circulating around the web recently featuring two women who have both suffered some pretty huge trials in their lives.    One of the women is Stephanie Nielson (commonly known as Nie Nie in the blogosphere) and the other is war survivor and refugee, Mariama Kallon.

Although I have never seen Mariama Kallon speak in person, I have heard from others who have heard her share her story firsthand and/or read her book, Delivered by Hope, just how imspirational and truly amazing her attitude is- the key word here is attitude.  And anyone who is familiar with Nie Nie's story knows how she has always maintained a positive attitude since her accident.

The video I’m speaking of is from Christian artist Hilary Weeks and is called Beautiful Heartbreak.  Incidentally, I happen to have a very talented sister-in-law who contributed her mastery of the violin to the String Section of this particular (as well as many other) soundtracks. 

Regarding the title of this song:  if you’re like me your first instinct is to think that the words “beautiful” and “heartbreak” most certainly don’t belong together; It’s an oxymoron.  There’s certainly nothing beautiful about getting your heart broken and having your hopes dashed, right?   However, as I proceeded to watch this video my heart was touched and I understood the message behind the phrase “beautiful heartbreak”.  The words to the chorus in particular seemed to speak to me:

Every fear, every doubt, All the pain I went through

Was the price that I paid to see this view

And now that I’m here I would never trade

The grace that I feel and the faith that I find

Through the bittersweet tears and the sleepless nights

I used to pray that He’d take it all away,

But instead it became

A Beautiful Heartbreak.

I also thought it was very powerful to see Nie Nie and Kallon hold up framed hand-written signs for the camera describing what trials they had gone through and then- as a direct result of consciously choosing to maintain a positive attitude despite their trials- they held up additional signs at the end of the video with words describing some of the beautiful and good things they could focus on, in spite of, and in Mariama’s case, as a direct result of their trials. 

Just as touching to me was the montage at the close of the video of many other women (and a sweet little boy) who would look directly into the camera without speaking and hold up hand-written signs of some of the battles and heartaches which they were facing or had faced.  A powerful technique, which, incidentally, has also been used in this website which I was referred to after a woman posted this picture on her blog:

What a great reminder that you just never know what other people are struggling with, despite how “together” they appear.  As the words to a favorite hymn state “In the quiet heart is hidden sorrow that the eye can’t see”.   You just never know.  Or, as this quote states:

[I’ve always liked that quote, but when I heard it was attributable to Plato I suddenly liked it even more – as if his thoughts deserve more credence than the rest of ours do!]

So- what does the concept of a beautiful heartbreak have to do with my experiences as an adoptive and foster mother?  Quite a bit, actually.  If I were to make a list of the five hardest things I have ever had to face in my life infertility would definitely rank at the top if the list- perhaps second or third.  And although infertility is not a prerequisite for doing foster care or adopting as I mentioned in this post, the fact of the matter is that if my life had been different than the way it has turned out- namely, with a house full of children I had given birth to all conveniently planned and spaced two to three years apart- I would probably be too busy to ever consider doing foster care or adopting.  Perhaps not- but I’m just guessing, based on what I know about my own capabilities and limits.

Heartbreak is such an appropriate word to describe infertility.  Infertility is lonely.  It’s alienating and discouraging.   In a word, it’s . . .  heartbreaking.   When you find yourself in the position of not being able to have what you’ve always wanted most (children) let alone what you’ve always expected would come naturally you start to question not only your worth but your worthiness. 

You feel like an outsider when compared with most other women (that’s my first problem right there- comparing my situation to someone else’s, Why do we do this?)  WOMEN- STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER WOMEN because usually such comparisons focus on someone else’s strengths or blessings compared to our weaknesses or seeming “lack” of blessings!

Yes, infertility can make you feel inadequate- lacking- and even broken inside.  

The good news about my personal “beautiful heartbreak” with infertility is that my desire to be a parent far outweighs my desire to experience a pregnancy.  I am grateful for adoption- beyond words.    Without adoption and the selflessness of my daughter’s birthmother I would never have the chance to be a mother.

Furthermore, the desire to “mother” in me is so great that I’ve been given the opportunity, through foster care, to help parent six children, aside from my daughter, over the past five years.  Of course it’s hard when we have to say goodbye to our foster children, but it’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  [At least that’s what I have to remind myself when I need an attitude check concerning foster care because I feel like I’m just too emotionally exhausted to say “yes” to one more placement.]

The other night as I was putting our foster baby in her bassinette after a middle of the night feeding I thought “This bassinette sure has gotten a lot of use over the past few years.”  I did the math (no small feat considering it was probably two or three in the morning and my mind was not in prime condition) and calculated that it had been used by four babies in four years.  That’s pretty much on par with the Duggar’s rate- Not Bad!  Then I sarcastically thought to myself, “It’s because I’m so fertile!” because I know, realistically, that just the opposite is true- it’s because of my infertility that I’ve been able to care for four babies in four years.

So, if I had to make a video of my own personal heartbreak with infertility, modeled after Hilary Weeks’ Beautiful Heartbreak- [technically the credit goes to director Jed Wells] I would start out somberly looking into the camera and holding up a sign that reads:

“Infertile”

I’m not quite sure how to fill up the middle, although I can think of some pretty dramatic images of negative pregnancy tests, intrusive doctor examinations, being surrounded by a room full of laughing women at a baby shower while trying to hide my pain behind my smile, etc.  but I DO have an idea for the ending scene:  I would be kneeling over the bassinette and I would gingerly kiss a baby’s forehead and lay him or her down to sleep and then hold up a sign with a contented look on my face and it would read:

“4 babies in 4 years”.

Granted, they haven’t all been my babies and I’ve only been able to “keep” one, but as I reflect upon some of the blessings that have come from something as heartbreaking as infertility, nurturing those four precious babies has most definitely been one of them.

But I Wanted to Grow in YOUR Tummy!

I’ve been meaning to write about something that happened several months ago.  A few days after a bridal shower I was talking to my four year old daughter and she was wondering about the funny name of the event we had attended.

But why is it called “shower”? she asked me- both amused and confused about the name.

I explained that it wasn’t like the shower you take to get clean but that there are a lot of presents at the party.  I proceeded to tell her that a shower is just another name for a party to celebrate for when people get married or when someone is going to have a baby.   Then I remembered back to a year ago when she accompanied me to a baby shower.

“Remember last year when we went to the party with all of the presents for your friend’s mommy’s baby before her little sister was born?  That was a shower.”

“ Like when I was in your tummy and you had a shower?!”   she said with enthusiasm.  It wasn’t so much  a question as it was a statement.

I paused.  This had never happened before and I was caught off guard.  My daughter had forgotten that she was adopted despite the fact that whenever she hears the word “adopted” she proudly announces “I’m adopted!” and despite the fact that the first couple of pages in her baby book are full of pictures of her birthmother smiling and holding her and embracing us.  Maybe she was confused because I also have pictures of her baby showers and when I get to those pages I always say “Everyone was so excited when you were born that we had a big party to celebrate!”

“Honey” I gently reminded her  “Remember? . . .  You didn’t grow in mommy’s tummy- you grew in [her birthmother’s name]’s tummy.”

“Oh” she said, with a disappointed sigh.  “But I wanted to grow in your tummy!”

I felt an emptiness the moment she said those words and I don’t know if it was my own issues with infertility that were making me feel that way or if it was hearing the disappointment in her own little voice and trying to sense how she was feeling at the time that made me feel that way.  But I was also very touched by her longing to have been so intimately and literally connected to me. 

I went on to explain that even though she didn’t grow in my tummy she would always be my little girl and that seemed to appease her for the moment and she went on talking about something else.

I’m sure this will be just the first of many conversations to come up about where she came from and that not all future conversations and inquiries will go so smoothly (having a more open adoption would surely help to lessen some of the mystery surrounding further questions) but for now we’re just playing things by ear and trying to be as open and age-appropriate as possible.

National Adoption Month Blogging Challenge

So I’m feeling like a bit of a slacker because as of today National Adoption Month is officially halfway through and although I’ve accepted Mrs. R’s blogging challenge I’ve only blogged once this month!  I do have somewhat of an excuse as we were out of town for a week and I am still in the process of uploading a hundred pictures (no exaggeration) to our private family blog and getting caught up documenting what’s going on in our personal lives over there.

However, I have a goal to post at least six more times on this blog before the month is over- that’s an average of three times a week- so I don’t feel too bad.  I have a couple posts “mostly written”, a few more barely started, and there are always a few floating around in my head at one time.  If you’re a blogger like me the challenge is actually finding time to sit down and finish.  So . . . stay tuned!

National Adoption Month 2011

November is National Adoption Month.

Speaking of Which  . . . AdoptUSKids.org has a new, updated website- Check it out!

I recently registered with the site and found it to be very user friendly.  Not only that, but a caseworker contacted me back with information I needed about a waiting child's case within 24 hours after inquiring.  Very impressive!

Team Meeting, Two-Month Check-Up, and Multiple Chances

Rose has been with us for three and a half weeks.  The actual amount of time she stays in our care is entirely dependent upon when her relatives complete their background screenings, licensing requirements, and home inspections required of them to provide kinship care for her.  Speaking of which, it turns out that there are actually two different sets of relatives now who have come forward wanting to be considered as a kinship placement.

When I learned this I asked the caseworker as well as a kinship specialist assigned to this case What happens when more than one relative comes forward who wants the foster child in their home?  In other words, how do they decide where the child gets placed?   First and foremost, they explained, it depends on if their background checks clear and if their home passes inspection.  (Well- duh- that’s a given!)  Aside from that it’s ultimately up to the Division, taking into account which environment they feel would be best for the child.  However, it was also reassuring to know that Rose’s mother will have a say in the matter of where her child goes, based on her own personal preferences.

I attended a Child and Family Team Meeting last week after Rose’s visit with her mom [She currently has two 2-hour supervised visits per week with her mom] and I must say, as a foster parent, it was the most comprehensive CTFM I’ve ever attended.  Although I won't share what transpired in the meeting I can tell you what impressed me about it (other than the fact that the caseworker actually called one in the first place, and furthermore, let me know in advance when it would be so I could attend):

1)  It was PACKED- there were at least ten people in attendance including me, Rose (who was bundled up and peacefully sleeping in her mom’s arms during the entire 90 minutes), Rose’s mother, the caseworker, the caseworker’s tech who was copiously taking notes on her laptop for reference as the Service Plan is drafted, Rose’s nurse, a Kinship Specialist, one of the relatives applying for kinship care, a family advocate who has been working with Rose’s mother to help her get all of the resources she needs, Rose’s Guardian Ad Liteum (her attendance was the one that impressed me the most)  an intern just observing the meeting, and a representative from Drug Court giving Rose’s mother some options for her treatment plan/requirements to get her child back. 

2)  I feel like Rose's mother left the meeting feeling empowered, due in large part to the concern everyone expressed for her and her situation.   

3)   There was a good "balance" in the meeting of justice and mercy.  Staff members were “just” in the fact that they knew Rose’s mother would have to be held accountable for her choices and put forth a lot of effort and work to have her child returned to her custody, but they were also “merciful” in showing compassion and expressing encouragement to her that, as difficult as it will be, with the right support and resources she can succeed in doing all she needs to get her child back.  

Rose’s mother is very motivated to succeed and my heart goes out to her- in large part because of her humble attitude.  I think back to one of our other foster children’s parents who was in such blatant denial about his choices that he placed blame for the fact that his child was in state custody on anyone and everyone except for himself.  It didn’t help that his parents (who couldn’t pass their background checks and were bitter that their grandchild was not able to be in their home either) totally enabled him as well. This particular parent made token efforts to do what he had to do just so he could get DCFS “off his back” in his words.  It wasn’t surprising to me that his daughter (Molly) came back into custody a year after reunification. 

I contrast his attitude with Rose’s mother’s way of thinking:  She knows she’s made mistakes but she’s willing to be accountable for them.  And as for the services that the State provides for her (Yes, it’s called the Division of Child AND FAMILY SERVICES for a reason- they’re not just Nazis who take children away from their families for no reason at all)-  she is extremely grateful. 

Parents who have children removed are given not just one but multiple chances* and sources of support and resources to assist them in getting their children back again and in dealing with the issues that caused their children to be removed in the first place.  When you think of it in those terms DCFS is truly a “social service” agency versus a fear-mongering witch-hunting enforcement agency.  Although, I’ll admit on more than one occasion I’ve half-joked about neighbors calling DCFS/CPS on me whenever my daughter lets out blood-curdling screams as I brush out snarls from her hair.

Back to the Team Meeting: After I left the meeting and thought about some of the things that were required of Rose’s mother to get her baby back it was a reminder to me to be grateful for the “resources” I have to care for my children which others, myself included, often take for granted- namely- a home, private transportation (I rode the bus during much of my "poor" college years which has made me greatly appreciate having my own car to use whenever I need) and a husband who has a job to provide for us financially and who is willing to do his share of child-rearing when I need someone else to take a turn getting up in the night with a colicky baby or entertaining a preschooler when I can’t bear to read one more book or do the same puzzle for the tenth time in a row!

Parenting can be hard enough when you have a spouse to help out, so I can only imagine how much harder it would be as a single parent to have to take on both roles of providing financially for your family AND doing all of the homemaking/child-rearing duties as well.  This is the situation Rose’s mother is in. But in addition to all of that, she has a ton of meetings/appointments to attend as part of her treatment plan in order to get Rose back in her custody.  Her obligations are doable when she has a foster family to use as a resource (technically we’re called a “Resource Family”, but most people still use the term “foster family”), but as her caseworker wisely pointed out, What happens in the future when Rose is returned to her care and she starts getting burnt out?  If the only employment that fits into her schedule are swing shifts or graveyard shifts, who will be able to watch the baby overnight?  It reminds me of the predicament Christian’s father found himself in as a young, single parent without family support.  When faced with the scenario of becoming burnt out, Rose’s mother expressed hope that she could rely on the same relatives who are in the process of getting approved for kinship placement.  One slight problem is that one of those relatives lives in a different county.  It takes a village to raise a child, truly.

In other news, Rose had her 2 month well baby check-up and is all caught up on her vaccinations.  Although she’s gained a pound since I took her to the doctor two weeks ago, at 8 pounds she is still technically not even on the charts as she is in the 0 percentile for both weight and height.  Zero Percentile!  Fortunately, we have a pretty good track record of fattening babies up in our home.  If she's still with us for Halloween we'll have to get a newborn-size costume for her.

*Regarding Multiple Chances:  Anyone who is under the impression or opinion that bio parents aren't given enough chances or resources to get their kids back (a pet peeve of mine, as usually these are the same types of people who think that all foster parents are selfish and evil and just want to "steal" other people's kids). . .  is sorely mistaken.  I was reminded of this during the beginning of this placement when I was given some background about Rose's parents.  It's been explained to me that reunification efforts aren’t dependent on the parent’s history of having previous children removed (at least in our state), but rather are based on the child’s history of removal.  In other words, since this is the first time that Rose has come into custody- regardless of how many siblings she has who have been removed from their homes and/or adopted through the foster care system- her mother will be given a chance to get her back.