School Update- Jill

The week before Christmas Break I had a meeting with Jill's teacher, her Vice Principal, the school psychologist, and the school's speech therapist about if Jill qualified for an IEP, based on recommendations from the speech pathologist at Jill's IOP last year who suggested she be assessed. The Occupational Therapist couldn't make it to the meeting so she called me earlier in the day with her report. 

I have learned that there are thirteen different categories of disability in reference to special education under IDEA, including:

1. Specific Learning Disability (SLD)
2. Speech or Language Impairment
3. Other Health Impairment
4. Autism Spectrum Disorder (ASD)
5. Intellectual Disability
6. Emotional Disturbance
7. Developmental Delay
8. Multiple Disabilities
9. Deaf-Blindness
10. Deafness
11. Hearing Impairment
12. Orthopedic Impairment
13. Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI)

Jill's school psychologist (who conducted the majority of testing) informed me that Jill would be assessed under the category of Autism to see if she qualified for an Individualized Education Plan. Speaking of autism, pretty cool that there's now a Barbie with autism (which, I've read, was designed by an autistic person), but I laughed even harder when I saw this: 

Although the meeting was over an hour, the team didn't tell me until about ten minutes before it actually ended that Jill did not meet the qualifications for an IEP since the majority of the meeting was spent going over her different testing results.  I kind of wish they would have told me their decision at the beginning and then backed it up with the data instead of waiting till the end to learn that she didn't qualify.  Evidently, she did much better on the speech assessment with the speech therapist than she did on the same assessment at her IOP and that was the main area of concern.

I have mixed feelings about Jill not qualifying for an IEP.  In one sense, I guess I should feel relieved, but in another sense I was left feeling like I do much of the time with Jill's special needs- "Yes, she has special needs- but she's getting by and her needs aren't severe enough to require serious intervention." Her teacher confirmed that sometimes she struggles in class, but not enought to have to actually be pulled out of class.  That being said, she still has her 504 Plan and I thought it was very convenient that at the next Parent Teacher Conference the Vice Principal will be in attendance to update her 504 with her teacher and me.

I think my biggest concern is that Jill will be starting junior high next year and I just want her to be successful (meaning, not overwhelmed). I am curious if having different classes and teachers instead of just one classroom and teacher all day will help Jill's AuDHD brain. I just want her to have the accommodations she needs.

One part of the IEP Meeting where I literally almost cried in both stress and relief at how far Jill has come in actually attending school is when we looked at her attendance record from her 4th grade year with 47 absences and from her 5th grade year with 52 absences.  This year she has only had two absences from legitimate sickness. It shouldn’t come as a surprise then, when I can across this statistic about school attendance:

I am happy to report that Jill enjoys the social aspect of school and because of that I am able to successfully get her off to school most days. However, this morning after a brief argument/insistence that she wear her coat today (It was 19 degrees outside by the time she left for the bus stop and I could see her breath) she reluctantly put it on, said some choice words to me and then I said goodbye and closed the front door. Her argument about not putting it on is that it “makes her sweaty” because it’s so warm. This is the same coat I purposely had her pick out herself so that there would be no complaints. [Tell me you have a child with sensory issues without telling me you have a child with sensory issues]!  About an hour later when my son left for school he said “Mom- did you know that Jill’s coat is on the porch?” [Tell me you have a PDA child without telling me you have a PDA child!]

Em is Back

I feel extremely grateful because right now all three of my children are watching a movie together, snacking on Doritos, and occasionally laughing at some line from the movie or an inside joke they have between each other. The best part is that it’s not just temporary. Over the weekend Em decided she wanted to return home to us- for good.

It took less than 7 weeks for our daughter and her birth mom to grow out of the Honeymoon Phase with each other after our daughter decided to leave our house and move in with her birth mom (who happens to live 20 minutes away from us). 

Although my husband and I knew that our daughter wouldn’t be in danger when she left, we were also aware of some red flags that filled us with concern for Em’s sake.  The last couple of times we’ve talked with Em she would hint at things not being ideal. It wasn’t until a couple of days ago that she shared some more details with us and it took every bit of self-restraint within me to stop from exclaiming “I told you so!"

                                        

Em shared that she started feeling like “a burden” to her birth mom. After all, she still doesn’t have a driver’s license or a job so she would have to be driven to and from school each day or anywhere else she wanted to go. Although we would like her to get her license soon, our biggest priority for her is staying in school and graduating next year.

Not only was Em feeling like a burden, but her birth mom made some very direct comments to her about "growing up" and other things which would most likely make anyone feel pretty much like a burden as well. Em learned that, like most parents, her birth mom isn’t perfect despite the pedestal Em seems to have put her on.

I also don’t think Em’s birth mom was fully aware of Em’s emotional immaturity, her special needs (I haven't written much about that but perhaps I will in the future), and certainly her physical conditions [Em was formally diagnosed with POTS last year after a couple of years of troubling symptoms]. However, after one recent episode while living with her birth mom when Em started feeling dizzy and had to sit down, her birth mom implied that she was “faking it” for attention when, in fact, all of Em’s teachers at school have notice of her medical condition on file titled "Health Plan" including her diagnosis and what to do in case of sudden low blood pressure or wonky heart rate.

That’s another reason why it’s been hard for Em to look for a job- not many jobs for teenagers allow them to sit or rest when needed. In fast food or retail, for example, you’re always on the go.

I think one of the saddest parts of Em moving back home with us was her birth mom’s reaction when Em told her about her decision.  Her birth mom basically gaslighted her, tried to make her feel guilty, and then accused her of “taking advantage of me.” Fortunately, the invitation to visit if wanted has still been left open for my daughter from her birth mom.

I’m not naive enough to think that things between Em and my husband and I as her parents will automatically be perfect from now on. Of course we’re still going to have clashes. But I think the past 7 weeks have made Em realizes that our home is a pretty good place to be and that despite our faults as parents, we will always love her and welcome her.

October 2025 Update- Part 2 (Em)

Six weeks ago tonight our oldest daughter, “Em” made the decision to leave our home and go live with her birth mom.  Since then Em has joined us a couple of times for family celebrations and last week she let us take her out to ice cream after her choir concert (which has been tradition), but other than that she has not expressed any desire to return back home.

Occasionally I still find myself automatically setting Em’s place at the table and then the realization hits me and I slowly put the plate and silverware back.  I still text her quite regularly as well- just to check up on her, occasionally to nag her about a missing assignment (because that’s my job and I just want her to graduate from high school at this point!), and sometimes just to share a silly meme.  Much like when she was living at home, sometimes she’ll respond and other times she’ll just ignore my texts.  I finally got out our Halloween decorations a couple of weeks ago and came across a cute little cloth ghost she made as a pre-schooler.  I immediately texted her, “Remember this?!” That time she actually responded back in the affirmative. 

When we were at Em’s choir concert last week I realized I didn’t know any of the songs her class would be performing as she hadn’t been practicing at home like she normally would have been. Little things like that make me feel a tinge of grief.  A few more people in our neighborhood and church congregation have now heard the news that she’s not at home anymore and those close to me have expressed their condolences.  As for Jack and Jill, they have each reacted a little differently to their older sister being gone.  One weekend Em told us she might stop by and spend an evening with her brother and sister, but then she decided not to.  When Jill find out she wasn’t coming after all she said “It’s kind of stupid how she cares more about her birth family than the family she’s been living with her whole life.”  Jack pretends like he doesn’t care, but I know that deep down he does.  She actually spent the night when it was his birthday and we got home from dinner later- and then she went back to her birth mom’s the next day.  Jack told us “I slept a lot better knowing she was home.”   Then on the weekend when he was looking forward to playing video games and hanging out with her but she changed her mind he just tried to casually brush it off and said  something like “She just doesn’t care about me anymore.”  One thing I’ve been reminded of with teenagers is that, like preschoolers, they can be so egocentric.

As for Em’s birth mother- I still haven’t heard one word from her.  Not one phone call or text to me to tell me “Hey- she’s doing alright.”  Nothing.  On days when I’m not so angry or resentful I think “I get it- she’s trying to make up for 18 lost years” because I generally try to give other people the benefit of the doubt.  But I’ve also learned over the past couple of years of opening up this adoption that Em’s birth mother has never really grieved placing Em. She never went back for counseling through the agency we used.  She had another baby girl about a year and a half after Em was born- whom she parented- and now has partial custody of.  When my husband and I and Em’s birth mom were initially figuring out boundaries and how often she and Em would be getting together in person we soon learned that Em’s birth mom was approaching it as if it was a shared custody/coparenting arrangement (as she has with her other children) rather than respecting the preferred boundaries that my husband and I had set as Em’s parents.

I’d like to think that if I had another person’s child in my care I would encourage them (even if say, they had run away) to call their parents and let them know they’re doing okay.  If they wouldn’t I would certainly reach out to the parents and let them know- “Don’t worry- they’re in good hands.  They’re safe.”   That’s one thing we’d try to do with the birth parents of babies and kids we fostered over the years because I can’t imagine the loss and worry or even guilt they might be feeling- regardless of the reason their child ended up in state custody.  We’d try, through our actions, to let the birth families know “Hey- we’re not trying to take your child.  But we promise they will be safe and loved until they come back to you.”

The relationship between my husband and I and Em’s birth mother has turned into more of a competition rather than working together with the best interest of a child at the center.  I feel like we’re the “mean” parents who make sure Em has done her homework or cleaned her room while Em’s birth mom is the “fun” weekend parent who gets to take her to Disneyland or to do fun things without any real parenting or discipline involved.  I don’t know how long the “Honeymoon period” is going to last, but Em did mention to us, the night of her choir concert, that her birth mother recently told her (when she was encouraging her to get a job or something) “Well, when I was your age I had a baby AND a job, so I don’t have much sympathy for those who don’t work!”- something to that effect.  My husband and I were trying so hard to bite our tongues and make “Well maybe don’t drop out of school and sleep around!” come out as nicely and constructively as possible for the sake of teaching our daughter.  We sincerely try not to talk smack of any of our children’s birth parents in front of them- but considering their histories and how our children have been affected as a direct result of their actions- sometimes it’s so hard not to!

Most of the time I obviously really miss Em.  But I can’t deny that about a month ago I was extremely angry at her (and didn’t hold back expressing my feelings about it) when I realized she didn’t spend the night at her birth mother’s house- and then lied to me about it.  She turned off her location sharing on her phone* for a while after that because I was being “creepy” trying to check up on her.  Admittedly, my biggest motivation for tracking her is to make sure she makes it to school every day.  Fortunately, my husband convinced her to turn her location sharing back on so that I can see where she is for her safety.

 *Technically it is our phone because we’re the ones paying for it.  We’ve gone back and forth wondering if we should take possession of her phone (and IPAD) now that she’s an “adult” and doesn’t need us anymore, but we’re pretty sure if we did her birth mom would just get her new ones and we want to keep the lines of communication open.

Em is always more than welcome to come back home- but she is the one who has to want it first.

October 2025 Update- Part 1 (Jill)

Jill spent eight weeks in her intensive outpatient treatment and is now back in “regular” school full-time. Technically, the last two weeks she spent only 3 and a half hours twice a week at her IOP and then the other three weekdays she would spend the entire school day at her old school.  We decided to go that route so that there was a bit of a transition and not too much of a shock or burnout from going back to regular school full-time all at once. 

I also contacted the school counselor before she returned to school to set up regular check-ins with her and met with her teacher and the principal in person about updating her 504 and giving them a summary of any concerns and ways to be of support to Jill.  However, before meeting with the principal and her teacher I was required to meet with the Student and Family Resources Director on the district level at the district offices who met with Jill and I (since she’s been out of school for most of the first term) and he documented that she did, in fact, qualify for accommodations and would be returning to public school full-time.

I’ve never had a child who qualified for an IEP before, but after receiving assessment results from a speech pathologist at Jill’s IOP the last week she was there, they recommended she get some testing done and have accommodations put in place for receptive language. So, after more testing under the direction of the school psychologist she’ll most likely not only have a 504, but an IEP as well.  Jill has been a chatterbox since she was preschool aged and has never had any problems with speaking or forming sounds, but I guess things like picking up on social cues/nonverbal communication and taking things literally rather than figuratively (indicative of autism) can fall under the category of speech/language concerns.   

I should probably be used to it by now, but when I was looking at Jill’s discharge paperwork I started feeling a little overwhelmed and sad because there wasn’t just one diagnosis listed- but multiple: depression, anxiety, ADHD, and autism.  I think raising a child with just one of those challenges could be difficult, but then when there’s several overlapping symptoms all at once it just can feel a little . . . discouraging.  Jill hasn’t even entered junior high yet and I worry what things will look like in the future when I use how she is currently as a baseline.

As for continuing care we can actually use the staff at her outpatient treatment center for medication management which will be slightly easier than working through her psychiatrist every three months or so.  We have also decided to have her continue seeing the therapist she saw for individual therapy at her Outpatient program for ongoing therapy (for now at least) since they have a good relationship and she “fired” her last therapist for siding too much on issues with mom and dad.  Jill’s therapist at her IOP was very knowledgeable about autism and even recommended some good books and resources for us, including this book.

However, her therapist also suggested that we might try to find a clinician more knowledgeable about adoption issues.  I laughed when I got a list of some providers who fit that criteria and immediately noticed that a couple of them were my former coworkers.  I have no doubt they would be great, but that would also be slightly awkward for my child to complain to them on occasion about how mean her parents are and how much she hates her family, etc.

Speaking of adoption competent therapists, last month (after completing a final exam) I completed a yearlong professional Training for Adoption Competency (TAC) for mental health practitioners and other adoption professionals under the Center for Adoption Support and Education (CASE).  We discussed, in detail, the seven core issues of adoption and best clinical practices for clients impacted by adoption (adoptees, birth parents, adoptive parents, grandparents, siblings, etc.)  Although I currently only have one client who is a transracial adoptee, I had a lot of success in working through some of the chapters from this book with her:

I recently recommended this book to another adoptive mom as well.

Loss and Hidden Sorrow

 I started writing this yesterday and was able to finish this morning before my first appointment.

There’s been a lot of loss the past couple of days in our nation and in my heart.  Today is 9/11 and there’s a collective grief and outpouring of reverence as we remember the lives lost and how the world has changed since then.  Yesterday there was a political assassination in my own state, and then just hours later I got word of yet another school shooting. Such tragedies can serve as a call to action for change and either bring people together in unity or create more division.

On a personal level, tomorrow is the death anniversary of my mom.  I’ll have time to visit her grave before I go to work. Hers is a loss I share with my siblings and other family members, so we can be of support to each other and lean on each other, if needed.

The past couple of days I’ve been experiencing a loss that isn’t publicly known.  Only my husband and children, a couple of my siblings, and a trusted church leader are aware.  This one is an ambiguous loss- because the person who has been “lost”- my oldest adopted daughter- is still alive- but she has chosen not to physically be in our home anymore.

I’ll back up to how we got to his point. This was my Facebook status from a couple of years ago:

                                     

Over the past couple of years our daughter has had an open relationship with not only her birth mother, but with birth siblings.  She’s been able to meet aunts, uncles, a few cousins, and grandparents she was previously unaware of.  I mention these relationships because 20 years ago when we started our adoption journey the focus in our preparation and training was on the “adoption triad”- meaning adopted child, birth parents, and adoptive parents.  However, now I prefer using the more updated and inclusive term “adoption kinship network” because adoption involves many more people than just parents and child. 

Something my daughter never had before opening up the relationship with her birth family is older sisters, and now she does! How cool is it that my daughter was able to be one of her half sister’s bridesmaids at her wedding?  How fun for my daughter that she gets doubly spoiled with gifts and baskets and stockings during Easter and Christmas? 

For the most part, things have been “good” for my daughter with her open adoption experience, but my husband and I have faced some challenges.  What started out as an invitation to keep things open with her birth mother has morphed into more of a coparenting arrangement, not respecting our boundaries, and on more than one occasion, going behind our backs.

Ideally, a successful open adoption brings to mind words and concepts like “sharing” “mutual respect” and “multiplication of love” (rather than something finite that can be divided up into smaller pieces).  But without boundaries, open communication, and mutual respect things can turn into resentment, jealousy, and competition. 

I think what’s most surprising to me is that I’m generally a pretty chill, kind person and I’ve always been good at sharing.  But things have transpired over the past year that have made me realize I’m not as good as “sharing” as I thought- especially when I feel like my role as a parent is not honored.    

I could go into a lot more detail, but this is not the place to do that.  That is what friends or therapy or sisters are for, right?

This is the text I got a couple of days ago which broke my heart.

                                           

What I thought might be an overnight visit or just a couple of days is now indefinite.  I realized my daughter’s intentions when she returned to the house with two empty duffel bags provided by her birth mom. 

As I discussed things with Jack and Jill after my oldest daughter packed up more clothes and belongings and left the house, they tried to downplay things, with statements such as “It was bound to happen sometime.” And “It’s okay- she never spent as much time with us and would prefer being with her boyfriend, anyway.”  Were they trying to protect their own feelings or were they trying to comfort and console me in a way?

18 years old but with still a year left of high school and no drivers license or job is an awkward stage to try to leave home. I say leave home instead of “run away” because it’s not exactly the same thing. But it does bring up similar panic and concern in a parent’s heart.

I reminded my daughter that she’s still on our insurance, I still have to take her to dr’s appointments, and even though she’s 18 years old my husband and I are the only ones who can legally excuse her absences from school or check her out of school.

This year a young woman from my state ran away from home-twice- (fortunately she turned herself into a police station the first time) and some of the comments left online were so incredibly judgmental- such as “I wonder what’s going on in that home to make her run away twice!”  “It must be her parents fault”, etc.

If you’ve never had a child suffer from mental illness or trauma (and adoption is trauma since it’s born from loss) then please refrain from making any judgements.

I know that things could be much more worse.  Although my daughter’s birth mom has not yet attempted to communicate with me or respond to my texts, I am in daily contact with my daughter (at least via texting) and I know that she’s safe.  She expressed that she will still join us for family celebrations.  

But it hurts that she’s not home.  

Nobody will be bringing me a casserole or card expressing "I'm sorry for your loss", because the loss is not known to others.