Adoption Miscarriage

Remember the “Might Be” post? 

Well, let's just say I considered naming this one "NOT" and leaving it at that.

However, I've found that blogging can be a very cheap and therapeutic way to process things. In addition, I've actually received a lot of support and understanding from others who have been in situations similar to the ones I've written about.  So although we've had a couple of weeks to mull over the disappointing news, I think I'm finally ready to share a few more details in an attempt to move closer to closure and sort things out.

First, a little background:

I've witnessed a phenomenon in American family structure that is becoming more and more common these days and it is this: Grandparents raising their grandchildren. What accounts for this? It could be a combination of things, including teen pregnancies, divorce, financial hardship, and increasing rates of incarceration due to addictions.

Grandparents raising grandchildren was the precise background of our recent prospective adoptive situation. We were contacted by the grandparents of a child (after they saw our adoption profile online) who have become the full-time permanent caregivers and legal guardians to their two-year old granddaughter because their daughter, the child's birthmother, is no longer capable of parenting. These grandparents adore their granddaughter and have been raising her for over a year, but they are advancing in age and they also have some significant health problems. Needless to say, chasing after a toddler and potty training was not part of their retirement plans.

 
Assumption #1- Don't these grandparents love their granddaughter? 

This is an important assumption to explore because, sadly, many people still mistakenly believe that placing a child for adoption is synonymous with not loving a child, when in reality, just the OPPOSITE is true.

These grandparents absolutely love their granddaughter! But they want to be her grandparents- not her parents. They are faced with a difficult and painful decision but one of the things that drew them to us is the fact that we are happy to let them remain a part of their granddaughter's life through open adoption.

Assumption #2- "They must not know what a delicate and complex issue adoption is if they would consider placing their own granddaughter for adoption."

This assumption couldn't be further from the truth. In fact, these grandparents happen to know the legal ropes as well as the delicate psychological issues involved in adoption because half of their children, including the birthparent of their granddaughter, were adopted from the foster care system. In fact, we've had some very good discussions together about child welfare in general, social workers, family law, bonding and attachment, how to best transition children into a new adoptive home, and even the psychological aspects of changing a child's name at adoption. I've also learned a little more about Reactive Attachment Disorder- not just in children but the lasting effects of RAD on adults, which, among other things, is a big factor in why their own daughter is incapable of parenting at this time.

Most people would be puzzled or shocked, and even judgmental towards a woman who never even inquires about her own children. But when you have the additional knowledge about the woman's background- specifically, that she had a very rough childhood and spent time in the foster care system and was later adopted as an older child, then things make more sense. And as much as I hate to be stereotypical about all children who are "products" of the foster care system, because each person's case is different and unique, in this birthmother's particular case, the end result is very spot on with the statistics I shared from the book Orphans of the Living, which I wrote about in this post.  [Incidentally, speaking of older child adoption, attachment disorders, and the role of nurture versus nature, adoptive mother Felicia recently shared her insights in this post.]

The bottom line is this: Whether incarcerated, homeless, mentally ill, addicted to drugs, or having a previous history of children permanently being removed from their care, birthparents still have rights.  This birthmother cannot parent her daughter, but she will not consent to anybody adopting her daughter except for her own parents.  The grandparents want us to adopt their granddaughter and we would love to adopt her, too.

But that’s not going to happen.

The Good News & Bad News:

-The good news is that we were only two and a half months along in this prospective placement.

-The bad news is that although 2 months isn't 7 or 8 months it's still plenty of time to become attached to a child and a family, especially when the child in question has been in our home two or three times a week over the past couple of months from 2-4 hours at a time and we've had the hopes of her becoming a permanent member of our family through adoption.

We've just gone through a very emotionally exhausting bumpy roller coaster ride in our adoption journey and in the meantime we will be waiting for our next foster placement or for some birthparents to find us who give us their full blessing in adopting their child. 

Versatile Blogger Award

I recently received a Versatile Blogger Award.

I was flattered and somewhat surprised seeing as how I only write about more or less two different topics on this blog, as opposed to my regular blog (which is full of random thoughts consists of a smorgasboard of varying topics.)

The official "rules" of accepting this award are as follows:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award and link back to them.

Thank you William and Alicia- What a fun surprise!  Incidentally, William and Alicia are hoping to adopt, so take a look at their adoption blog, grab their button, and help spread the word.

2. Tell 7 things about yourself.

1. I served a mission for my church in three Southwestern States: Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas.

2. Although I am a native Utahn I've only been skiing once (and I hated it).

3.  I am a great aunt- literally.  I have one grandniece and two grandnephews [and over 40 nieces and nephews].

4.  My favorite job was working in a library. While I worked there I often had dreams of alphabetizing and sorting books. Even now I have to resist the urge to Dewey Decimalize or alphabetize all of the books in my home.

5. I am not afraid to leave the house without wearing make-up.

6.  If I were rich I would hire a personal chef because I hate deciding what to make for dinner every night.

7.  I would love to go back to school and get a Master's Degree in Social Work or Marriage and Family Therapy.

3. Pay it forward and award the Versatile Blogger to 15 recently discovered new bloggers.

Fifteen?  So many blogs-so little time!  I'm going to tweak the rules on this one (for the sake of time) and I am just going to bestow the honor on five blogs.  After all, I did pay it forward when I received the Sunshine Award.

ver·sa·tile   adj.

1. Capable of doing many things competently.

2. Having varied uses or serving many functions:

And the award goes to (drumroll) . . . 

Genuinely Jarman
Cupcakes and Mud Puddles
Upbeats & Downbeats
Simple Inspiration
Gather the Lambs

Perhaps I'll do a future post on why I chose these blogs, but for now this will suffice.

Congratulations, Ladies!

Foster Care Blog Hop

BLOG HOPPIN' In honor of National Foster Care Month:

Considerations for Foster and Adoptive Placements

A question every prospective adoptive parent or foster family should ask themselves is this:

“What are our personal preferences for the children who come into our home?" 

In other words, what do you feel comfortable with in terms of the gender, age, race, and medical conditions of the children who could join your family?  Just as important to consider is what aspects and conditions of a child's background you don't feel comfortable with.

If you're a single parent then the question can be revised to "What preferences and criteria are important to ME?" However, in healthy marriages such important family decisions will be joint decisions; therefore "us" and "our" overrides the "me" and "my".  For instance, perhaps a medical condition or the issue of race really isn't a big deal to one spouse, but if it is of concern to the other spouse, then by all means don't agree to something unless you both unanimously feel good about it!

Another vitally important consideration to take into account when adding more children into your family through foster care or adoption is “How will this child effect the other children in my family?”

For example, I happen to know a wonderful woman who has considered doing foster care and I’m confident she would make a wonderful foster mother. However, she has weighed that decision carefully against the fact that her young son has autism and requires special attention. It’s great to want to care for other people’s children, but ultimately (in my humble opinion) one’s own children should be your first responsibility and priority.  Otherwise your  children, who need you the most, can run the risk of becoming overlooked.

On a personal level, perhaps the biggest "criteria" for our family right now in considering which children to adopt or foster is AGE of the child.  Gender isn't a deciding factor for us because we would be thrilled with a boy or girl.  But at this point in time we’ve come to the agreement (there's that important word again!) that we would like to maintain the age order of the children already in our family.  In other words, we feel that a child (or children) who is younger than our daughter would be the best fit for our family.  Obviously other foster and adoptive families don’t feel the same and choose to adopt out of birth order- it’s a very personal decision for each family based on their individual dynamics. 

Herein lies our dilemma: Our daughter is only three and a half years old.  Couple that with the fact that HEALTH OF A CHILD is another paramount factor in considering which children to foster or adopt and that greatly reduces the number of children available for us to adopt domestically. 

Many if not all of the babies and toddlers available for adoption from foster care are medically fragile and require specialized life-long care.  In our relatively limited experiences fostering and adopting, my husband and I have cared for drug-exposed children, a premature baby, children with speech and developmental delays requiring therapy, a child with a moderate attachment disorder and even an infant with a heart murmur.  Although we're more capable than we initially thought we were, we both still have a lot of fears and concerns which keep us from saying "yes" to two specific conditions which are very common among babies available for adoption from the foster care system: Fetal Alcohol Spectrum Disorder and brain injuries resulting from Shaken Baby Syndrome.  As a prospective caregiver and parent I find both conditions extremely intimidating.  But perhaps the most disturbing and tragic part about these conditions is that they are ENTIRELY preventable. 

I’m all too aware that people can be judgmental- especially when you choose to write about such personal decisions in a public forum.  Doubtless there are some individuals who look down on me for not adopting the first baby or toddler available for adoption.  In fact, sometimes I even ask myself, “Is it selfish of me not to adopt a child with severe special needs?”  I’ve come to two conclusions:

1)     My family will adopt the child that is right for us and that child may or may not end up having special needs.  In other words, we’re adopting a child not a checklist of criteria.  But by the same token, we need to carefully consider the amount of work and dedication involved in caring for possible placements, as well as what impact it would have on the other children in our home.

2)     Because people are judgmental you’re damned if you do and damned if you don’t*.  In other words, adoptive couples may be judged for not considering children who have special needs but people may also question their motives for wanting to adopt a child with special needs in the first place (including any child older than a newborn).

*Similar judgments can be applied to adoptive parents regarding the race of their child.  If a prosepective adoptive couple chooses not to adopt a child of a different race they may be labeled "racist."  However, if a family does adopt a child of a different race they may be unjustly accused of  removing the child from his or her heritage or "people".

Consider the perspective expressed by Mary Hopkins-Best in her book Toddler Adoption.  Hopkins-Best spoke of an adoptive couple who adopted a toddler "because it made them feel self-righteous, not because they were committed to their children's needs."  Hopkins-Best spoke harshly of  adopted parents who are motivated to adopt by “pity or a sense of duty, neither which is healthy for the child or the parents."

Hopkins-Best went on to say:

“During my many years preparing teachers of children with special needs, I have had to redirect a number of prospective candidates who were motivated by a similar pity for children with disabilities.  Pity devalues the object of the pity and allows the perpetrator to maintain a sense of superiority and self-righteousness.”

I’m still trying to decide how I feel about that statement.  On the one hand, I agree that self-righteousness is a poor motive for any decision, but on the other hand, sometimes compassion and pity are exactly what are needed in order for us to step outside of ourselves and reach out to others. 

As far as adoptive or prospective adoptive couples seeking out a child with a specific medical condition or special needs is concerned, there are instances where it makes perfect sense to me.  For example, I know of one foster mother who requests to have diabetic children placed in her home because she is experienced in measuring glucose levels, giving insulin shots, and making sure that children follow a low-sugar diet.  I know of a prospective adoptive couple who are considering adopting a child with a cleft lip or palate since it runs in the husband’s family.  Such instances arise from a sense of practicality rather than self-righteous pity.  It's as if the family's life experiences and associations have prepared them to be the best fit for their child and I don't believe that is something that happens by accident.

Inquiring About Waiting Children

As a prospective adoptive parent I've certainly looked over profiles of Waiting Children before in search of a child.  However, it wasn't until recently that I took the next step in the process and actually filled out and submitted the necessary forms with the intent of becoming a permanent family for a child.  After all, that's a HUGE decision which carries tremendous responsibility and as such it should not be taken lightly!

So what is it that has stopped me from seriously inquiring about Waiting Children in the past?  I think a lot of it has to do with the same fears and concerns I had to face when deciding to do foster care in the first place. A litany of doubts fill my mind, and at the forefront is this one: 

"Children who are placed in the foster care system have been through SO MUCH already.  What makes me and my home the best place for them? Wouldn’t they be better off with someone who has a formal training in grief and loss counseling, attachment theories, behavior modification, etc. to meet their special needs?"

Then I have to remind myself What parent to any child has all the experience they need in nursing, parenting, psychology, discipline, etc. when they become a parent for the first time?

You can try to prepare all you want, but there are some things in life that you just have to learn by doing.  

 

So I'm proud of myself for getting out of my comfort zone and and finally  {a couple of months ago} inquiring about a Waiting Child- Two waiting children to be exact- a sibling group!  Incidentally, when two friends from the adoption community saw the same profile of the children they each separately sent me the link with virtually the same message of “I thought of your family when I saw these children.”

Although nothing came from my inquiry (otherwise I would have a heck of a lot more to be writing about right now) I was contacted by our caseworker with DCFS within a week of inquiring about the children since I listed her name on the form. She was contacted by the children’s caseworker and had some additional information to share with me about the children’s case and their backgrounds, the most pertinent information being that the children would most likely not be placed with our family because the Guardian Ad Liteum assigned to the case was concerned that they be placed in a family where they were the youngest or only children and could have plenty of individualized attention paid to them. I initially thought that the older sibling of the two was younger than our daughter but upon closer look I discovered that he was actually just three days older- talk about “artificial twinning”!

Although there was a gender difference which would greatly reduce any competition between twins and siblings close in age- artificial or not- this child and his younger sibling were still so relatively close in age to our daughter that the powers that be didn’t think our family would be a good fit for them. Although I was somewhat disappointed I was also very relieved that the screening process to find which families can best meet the needs of the children was given such high consideration. Our Resource Family Consultant went on to explain that finding permanency is the ultimate goal for these children. It would be too risky and unfair to them to be placed with a family if it didn’t work out. I wholeheartedly agree. 

SO . . . My questions for you, Dear Readers, are these:

*Have you ever inquired about a Waiting Child?  If so, what hopes or frustrations have you encountered during the process?

*Has anyone out there ever adopted as a result of inquiring about a Waiting Child?

I'd love to hear some success stories!