One Down, Two to Go

 A couple of weeks before school ended I did, in fact, get a call from Jill’s new principal (see this post).  I literally held my breath when he introduced himself and I thought “Now what?”  I was so relieved and pleasantly surprised when he told me the reason for his call was to let me know that Jill’s teacher recognized her for performing better in all three areas of statewide testing than she had the previous year.  This principal is new and although I didn’t realize till halfway through the call that he was on speakerphone with Jill in his office, I did blurt out  “I’m just so relieved because usually when I get a call it’s not to report good news!”

As for Em, she graduated from high school! No, she still doesn’t have her driver’s license or a job, but I am elated that I can at least cross that accomplishment off of my “Parenting To Do” List.

I was a little sad that my parents aren’t alive to see Em graduate, but in addition to our side of the family, her birth mom and birth family showed up to support her on that milestone day of her high school graduation.  I was able to meet Em’s birth aunt for the first time that day as well as Em’s maternal birth grandparents.  Sadly, it was apparent that Em’s birth grandma was in an “altered” state that even Jack commented on afterwards.  When we first met with Em’s birth mom before the adoption was opened up a couple of years ago, Em’s birth mom told us that she didn’t feel comfortable with Em meeting her parents as they both have histories of active substance abuse.  She has since changed her mind and they’ve met a couple of times at public family gatherings.  Em came home after one Christmas party with a couple of gifts they gave her-both reeking of smoke- so I threw the washable gift (a sweater) in the wash as soon as I got it and Em has treasured the other gift  regardless of the lingering smell.

When I met Em’s maternal birth aunt after the graduation ceremony but before we busied ourselves taking pictures, she looked me in the eyes and said, “You’ve done a good job with her.”  She was so sincere as she said it. I was touched and just replied a sincere “Thank you.”

“One Down, Two to Go”- The title of this post has dual meaning: one down, two to go refers to the fact that one of our children has graduated from high school and we have two more yet to graduate.  “One Down, Two to Go” also refers to when I was originally going to post this- when we were one month into summer vacation and had two more months to go.  However, summer is winding down, and school is now less than a month away!  Jack and Jill will be in junior high together next school year and although we have money set aside for Em’s post high-school education she has not yet committed to a specific school or program.  Although we’d prefer her to be working or in school my husband and I are trying our hardest to be encouraging rather than making her feel pressured.  We’ve also decided that she deserves to take a break during the summer so we’re trying really hard to let her have a few months of taking it easy until we increase any expectations of her.

I know I’ve referred to the saying “Comparison is the thief of joy” before and the last couple of months watching some of Em’s friends and schoolmates announce their plans after graduation- some even getting scholarships, I have to remember NOT to compare my kids to other kids, especially keeping in mind that although they may be the same age chronologically, that doesn’t mean they are at the same stage developmentally or that they come from the same backgrounds or have faced the same challenges.

I hate to admit it, but as my children get older I often wonder “How differently would they be if they hadn’t been exposed to drugs in utero?” “What mental illnesses or challenges would they have developed from my husband and I if they were are biological children versus from their actual DNA?”  Of course I would love my children no matter what- but it’s a type of loss I’m willing to acknowledge.  I’m past child-bearing age and old enough to be a grandma now, but I still recognize that although adoption can be a “cure” for childlessness, it is not a cure for some of the stings of infertility.