Impressions from a Foster Parent on John DeGarmo's Fostering Love

While reading and reviewing Fostering Love I came up with twelve points that stood out to me- observations, if you will.  

I wrote about the first five of these observations in my previous post but I decided to save the remaining observations for a separate post not only for the sake of space, but because these particular points brought up many familiar feelings and memories for me personally as a foster parent.

The following are observations which pretty much any foster parent should be familiar with (or at least reminded of):

6) Sometimes "the call" from DCFS doesn't necessarily come at the most convenient times.

7)  Welcoming another child into your home requires a lot of shuffling around and rearranging- not just of schedules and personal space but of sleeping (bedroom) arrangements.

8)  Although required visits between foster children and their birthparents and the relationships between a child's birthparents and their foster family are not always easy to navigate, it is imperative that birth parents and foster families put the needs of their children/foster children as a top priority and treat the child's "other" family with the respect accorded to them.

9)  It's not a foster parent's place to judge the birthparents and families of their foster children  

10)  Don't blame caseworkers for a judge's decision or ruling.

11)  Good legal representation and volunteer CASAs can make all the difference in speaking up for a foster child's rights.

12) It's okay- even necessary- to take a break from fostering when needed.

For an elaboration on each of these observations keep reading:

6)  Sometimes "the call" from DCFS doesn't necessarily come at the most convenient times.

Like, say, five days before Christmas or when your spouse is away on a business trip, or when you're not quite fully recovered from a surgery.  My husband and I have a joke that if he goes out of town for work then we’ll get a placement call from DCFS because it’s happened to us- more than once.

 I laughed when I read this sentence in Chapter 11:

"It was time to take a little break from fostering, and recharge our batteries"

which was followed immediately by this sentence at the beginning of the next paragraph:

"The call came again Tuesday night, the third week of September."

7)  Welcoming another child into your home requires a lot of shuffling around and rearranging- not just of schedules and personal space but of sleeping (bedroom) arrangements.

When the DeGarmos took their first foster placement they had recently moved into a new home and their bedroom arrangements were such that each of their children had their own room. Their youngest child, a 3 year old boy, had the largest bedroom in the house so when the DeGarmos took their first foster placement of a sibling group of a 4 year old girl and her 6 month old baby sister, the 4 year old shared the large bedroom with the DeGarmo's son and the baby slept in a crib in John and Kelly's bedroom.

Unfortunately, the former sleeping arrangement would be against the licensing regulations in my state as children of the opposite sex are not allowed to share a bedroom unless they are younger than two years old.

I admit that when we first started the licensing process, finding available bedroom space in our home was the least of our worries as we were a childless couple who had recently purchased our first home with bedrooms just waiting to be filled with children.  Almost a decade and three permanent children later, finding appropriate bedroom space for any potential foster or adoptive placements has become a bit trickier for various logistical and licensing reasons.

Technically speaking, we could turn my husband's den into a bedroom for one of our own children, if necessary, because it's big enough to comfortably house a child and has plenty of closet space. However, we wouldn't be able to use my husband's den as a bedroom for a foster child because it doesn't have a window and therefore, no source of natural light or an accessibility for escape in case of emergencies.

So yeah- shifting bedrooms and children around like musical chairs to suddenly accommodate one or more children can be a potentially tricky situation to work around for foster families.  On the other hand, bunk beds, trundle beds, or loft beds seem like a very practical space-saving solution for any family who suddenly needs more bedroom space.

8)  Although required visits between foster children and their birthparents and the relationships between a child's birthparents and their foster family are not always easy to navigate, it is imperative that birth parents and foster families put the needs of their children/foster children as a top priority and treat the child's "other" family with the respect accorded to them.

I was pretty much disgusted (but not necessarily shocked) with the immaturity of the birth parents of the DeGarmo's first foster placement.  Not only did these birth parents immediately find fault with the DeGarmos and their parenting but they told their children at their weekly visits, "Your foster parents are bad people who don't love you."

It's inevitable that some birth families are bound to become jealous or overly critical of their child's foster family or anyone who is involved in any part of the investigative or removal process when children are taken out of a home and placed with a family of complete strangers- whether that be law enforcement, social workers, judges, etc.- But in what way, shape, or form does it help the situation- or make the transition for the children involved any less traumatic and less confusing than it already is- to tell the children that the very people who are now caring for them can't be trusted?

Perhaps the worst experience Kelly had with this particular set of birth parents was when they not only yelled at her as she was buckling their children into the car after a weekly visit but they attempted to follow her home.  Fortunately, she lost them in busy traffic.

Another parent of John and Kelly’s foster children wrote them a letter telling them how they could be better parents to her children, even going so far as to list all of the things they were doing wrong.  Wow.  Now tell me again which parent had their child court-ordered to be removed from their care?

John also experienced his share of experiences with birth parents when he was spit upon by a foster child’s mother during a meeting.  He handled it incredibly well and graciously.

I have been very fortunate that the majority of our interactions with the families of our foster children have been civil and I would even characterize some of our relationships as "good".   I felt particularly close to one of our foster daughter's mothers and I think it's because we both recognized our shared love for Rose and felt secure enough in our roles in her life that we didn't feel the need to "compete" with each other.

9)  It's not a foster parent's place to judge the birthparents and families of their foster children.

Yep.  There have been other times when I was initially, quite frankly, afraid to meet the birth families or caretakers of some of the children we've fostered when I learned of their backgrounds or the allegations involving their children.  However, I have discovered that much of the time the birth parents of our foster children end up appearing as equally afraid to meet me (or rather, afraid of me passing judgment on them) as I am to meet them. Funny how that works.  Needless to say, old-fashioned and time-tested courtesy goes a long way in diffusing some of that initial tension.

10) Don't blame caseworkers for a judge's decision or ruling.

At one point in the book the DeGarmos received word that the mother of their ten month old foster daughter (whom had been in their care since she was a newborn) had decided to give custody of her child to a 23 year old friend who worked two jobs.  After doing more investigating about their foster daughter’s potential new placement, John discovered some additional facts about the 23 year old woman’s boyfriend which were of huge concern to him.  Consequently, John found himself arguing with the caseworker about what was in his foster daughter’s best interest.

The caseworker’s response to John’s valid concerns was very telling:

“I understand, John, but sometimes these things are out of our control,” Nancy answered.  “We can only give the judge the information, and he will make the final decision.  Nothing is decided just yet.”

I’ve been to court hearings of my foster children where it wasn’t just me who was left dumbfounded by a judge’s decision- but their caseworker and even the children’s Guardian ad Liteum were left scratching their heads and thinking, “Seriously?” when the judge came to a final decision.

11)  Good legal representation and volunteer CASAs can make all the difference in speaking up for a foster child's rights.

At a particularly tense court hearing regarding the DeGarmo’s same foster child mentioned above, a dedicated CASA worker presented the judge with some crucial information which served as a pivotal turning point in deciding the child’s future.

I won’t tell you what happened but I will quote from the book because sometimes things do have a happy ending, justice is served, and the people who work behind the scenes or without much recognition are appreciated:

“After a few more questions, the judge then asked the casa worker if she would like to offer her opinion on the matter.  Casa workers are those individuals who act as advocates for the foster child, and are strictly volunteers.  Fortunately for us, Mariah’s casa worker, Joan, was deeply interested in our baby Mariah’s well being, and had not only visited with us often, she had apparently done some investigating on her own, uncovering some information that was vital to the future of this precious child, as we were all about to find out.”

A couple pages later the judge recounts:

“I wish to thank all who came and testified in behalf of this little child. Thank you, Joan, for all the work you have done as a casa worker.  Your contributions have been important, and I appreciate the fact that you have volunteered many hours on behalf of Mariah.  I also want to thank those of you who work at DCFS; your job is often very difficult and may even seem unrewarding at times.  Your service to these children is vital, though, and so very important.”

12) It's okay- even necessary- to take a break from fostering when needed.

John’s wife Kelly wisely suggested that their family take some time off from fostering and focus on their own children after taking a placement which was originally only supposed to last for a weekend but turned into a year and a half.  The DeGarmos consequently waited another year until they took their next placement- a drug-addicted baby girl who ended up changing their lives.

I might also add that during John and Kelly’s time taking a break from fostering they were both able to continue working on graduate degrees, to actively volunteer in their church, and Kelly was able to build her own business as a massage therapist.  Although taking a break can allow foster parents to focus on their own children, it can also make it possible for foster parents to pursue other worthwhile endeavors or focus on things they may not have otherwise been able to do quite as easily with the added responsibilities that fostering brings to a family.