Last year, a couple of weeks before Christmas while my husband
and I were out shopping, he turned to me and said, “Why don’t we just adopt a
child from Syria?” His statement was
due, in large part, to the current and ongoing refugee crisis and a result of
reading and viewing horrific news almost daily about families forced to flee
their homelands for safety. My husband
obviously knows that there’s no such thing as “just” adopting, but he was
expressing his solution to a need.
“It’s not that easy," I began,
“to adopt a refugee child.” I continued
to share what I have learned over the past couple of years on the topic:
‘It’s actually against U.N. Regulations
to adopt refugee children from many countries because there has to be proof
that no relatives exist. That is a
process which could take years.”
I continued, “The purpose of fostering unaccompanied refugee minors,
however, is not to adopt but to help the youth adjust to a new culture, learn
the language, and basically learn whatever skills are necessary for
them to live independently as an adult.”
I purposely stressed the word
“fostering” because providing refugee foster care is a topic I have discussed
with my husband on more than one occasion over the past couple of years. More than once I have contacted the director
of
an agency in my state which contracts with Catholic Community Services to
provide
foster homes for unaccompanied refugee minors. I grilled the director with many questions
about the requirements and training process to become a foster home and even
the backgrounds of the youth who are available to foster. This director was gracious and more
than happy to answer all of my questions.
After much discussion, my husband and
I decided that although fostering unaccompanied refugee minors is
something that we would like to do in the future, for various reasons the
timing is not right for our family right now.
My husband became angry after my
response about not being able to adopt refugee children so easily. He wasn’t angry at me, mind you, but at the
inequality which some people (namely refugees and orphans) must face. He retorted with a rhetorical question: “Then
what good is it for a child to languish in an impoverished camp when there are
homes who are more than willing to take them in?!” Sometimes I wish more people were
like my husband- when he sees someone in need or marginalized in some way he
becomes very driven to make the situation fair.
It was ironic that the month my husband and I had our aforementioned discussion was December- Christmastime- and there
was also a feature story in Time Magazine about the lives of four different babies
born in the war-torn region of Syria. There will be further issues which follow up on how each baby and their families are faring.
Below is one
of the covers of the magazine and I specifically remember that as I saw the picture I couldn’t
help but think about another little baby boy from the Middle East wrapped in
swaddling clothes over 2,000 years ago whose family was turned away because
there was “no room in the inn.”
Doubtless there may be some
reading this post who are thinking, “But why are you worried about children
from across the world when there are hundreds of thousands of children right
here in the U.S. foster care system who need homes?” This brings me to an observation I’ve made
about some members of the fostering/adoption/orphan care community (and I have
to admit, I have been guilty of this kind of thinking myself at times):
I've noticed that sometimes people feel so passionately about a
cause that they assume everyone should feel the same way- or perhaps they feel
that a cause they are drawn to should take precedence over other similar causes. Of course this happens in a very general sense with a variety of issues but
what I’m talking about specifically is those who have fostered or adopted from
foster care and feel that their route to helping children or adopting is more noble or worthy than,
say, a private domestic adoption. Or
those who are so concerned about orphans around the world that they push for
international adoption but don’t focus on foster care adoption. Which cause is “right” or "wrong”?
In
my opinion, anytime someone feels inspired to help another human being [especially
children- who are the most vulnerable of humans] then it is a worthy
cause. Period. Therefore, domestic adoption is right. International adoption is right and worthy. Foster care adoption is a right and worthy
pursuit as well. It’s not a contest or
debate between which cause is worthiest or which way is best. I do, however, feel strongly that certain individuals
feel “called” to very specific types of adoption based, among other things, on what is best suited for their family.
Allow me to share an example:
I have a friend who is a mother
to six children- more than one of her children has special needs (including Down Syndrome) and
two of her children were adopted. This friend, Rebecca, has become a huge advocate not only for adoption but for special needs adoption
because of her family’s experiences. I
might add, her adopted children are a different race than her biological
children so she’s well versed in the complexities of inter-racial adoption
issues as well. I was delighted to learn that Rebecca is in the process of
adopting an older child with special needs from China.
A major motivation for Rebecca
advocating for the adoption of special needs children in China is the realization
that many of these kids with special needs (which covers a huge definition and
range of circumstances) run the risk of aging out of their orphanages as young
as 14 years old and then they are left to live in an institution. If these same children were able to live in
the United States or another country they could have access to so many services not available to
them, not to mention they could live in a FAMILY rather than an institution for
the remainder of their lives.
Back to the
point of this example: Shortly after
Rebecca publicly announced her family's plans to adopt from China (Rebecca’s sister is
also in the process of adopting an older child from China- how neat is
that?!) she answered a Frequently Asked
Question because she has learned from her experiences that people are bound to
make judgments. Although I love Bek’s
humor and frankness in answering the question, I also thought it was very sad
that she even had to say anything explaining or "justifying" her family’s plans
to adopt:
Q. Why China? Aren't there
enough kids in America that need homes? (unspoken, and sometimes spoken-
"that seems selfish").
A. (Unspoken, sometimes
spoken). None of your business! Actually, as Mak and her family are learning,
being an "out loud" family means questions or comments are part of
the package. Teaching moments abound. Why China? I don't know. Really. One year
ago I had never spent ten seconds thinking about China. Every family is
different. For my family, that's where our kid was.
I don't know any family that
goes into adoption without thinking long and hard about what works for them.
It's pretty personal. I know some people who have always dreamed of adopting
from there. I bought a bubble blower that I happened to hand to a boy. A few
other factors for us is that we live in a place that has lots of mandarin
speakers, restaurants and close friends who are Chinese. Our boy won't lack for
people to help him transition. Our cousin lives in our apartment and is not
only the best auntie around, she also speaks mandarin!
And.. there ARE lots of kids
in our country that need homes. If you have seven hours I can have that
conversation with you. Kids in our foster care system often have lots of trauma
before they are available for adoption. Not everyone is equipped to parent that
kind of need. And the very last thing that is good for kids is to have a
placement disrupted because no one was properly prepared. So, if you are going
to float that question with anyone (especially me) the first thing I will ask
you is either how many kids from foster care that YOU are adopting or I will
ask something very intimate about your sex life. Like a person’s sex life,
choices on building a family belong only to the people involved. Mostly, people
are curious. And that's ok! It's fun though to play around with the crunchy
people.
I happen to feel very
passionately about foster care. There is
such a need for good foster homes.
However, I would never pressure anyone into fostering because it’s hard
work and it’s not for everyone. But like
I mentioned before, I have been guilty myself of judging others for not
recognizing the need of providing children in the United States with temporary
or permanent homes. Allow me to share one example:
A couple years ago a dear friend of mine
visited Africa as part of a humanitarian trip.
As part of the services rendered she was able to visit an
orphanage. She immediately fell in love
with the children she saw, especially those with special needs who could
benefit greatly from advanced medical care and early intervention services
available in the U.S. Before returning
home from her trip she confided in me that, as crazy as it sounded, she wanted
to bring home one of the babies from the orphanage to adopt- Literally.
Of course, when I heard of my friend's plans I was like, “Whoa, Nellie! I know you have contacts over there, but what
agency do you plan on going through? Is
it a Hague Accredited Agency? Otherwise,
you could legally run the risk of human trafficking regardless of how worthy
your intentions might be. Adoption isn’t
a process like picking out a puppy from a pound and taking them home. There is a LOT of paperwork involved,
research, and how are you going to get a home study approved so fast and
background checks for all members of your family?”
My friend is extremely compassionate
so her desire to bring relief to the orphans she interacted with came as no
surprise to me. After all, who wouldn’t
be moved to bring home a child from an orphanage after visiting, right? It was the way my friend was approaching the
situation, rather than her desire to help, that concerned me. And here’s where I started to feel somewhat
judgmental towards my friend (because I’m human and not perfect). I thought to myself, “If she wants to adopt a child or provide an environment and
opportunities to a child that they would not have otherwise why is it that she
has to go halfway around the world to do that?
There are literally over 100,000 children in the U.S foster care system
legally freed for adoption who would benefit from being in her home and in her
family. Are these kids not exotic enough
or special enough?”
Fortunately, I recognized that I was being
judgmental and so I settled down and just left it at “That’s AWESOME that she had a
life-changing experience. She wants to
make a difference. Good for her!” And, in case you’re wondering, she didn’t end
up adopting an orphan but she does have additional humanitarian trips planned
in her future because of her experiences.
My point in sharing these stories
and experiences is that it really is rather silly to argue about which path to
adoption is best or most needful. Every
family or individual’s decision to adopt is a very personal one. It’s kind of like- [going back to the plight
of refugees, as I first started off my post]- when I see people getting into
heated political arguments about “Which is better- to use our tax money to
support homeless veterans or to provide relief for refugees?” My personal feelings is that it’s not an
either/or situation- how about BOTH!
So the next time you hear someone
expressing a view (or you find yourself expressing a viewpoint) about which is “better/more
needful”- adopting a child from another country, adopting domestically,
adopting an infant, or adopting an older child- perhaps we can remember that
ALL of them are wonderful options!
